24 Tribute Top Ten

And so I bid fond farewell to another favourite TV show, as Jack Bauer finally hangs up his torture implements and gives his tonsils a rest from all that shouting... well, at least until the rumoured 24 movie anyway. (Wow, that'll be almost as long a film as Lord Of The Rings!)

24 started ridiculous, then went out of its way to get ever more so as the years progressed. It didn't so much jump the shark or nuke the fridge as torture the shark by cutting it up into small (yet still alive) pieces, stuff them into a fridge, nuke the whole of the country containing the fridge, then resurrect the shark only to poison it with anthrax, kills its family, connect its genitals to a car battery, and have its remains savaged by a mountain lion. Only then the shark would turn out to have been working for a fictional Middle Eastern country all along. Or was it?

But if you were willing to suspend your disbelief - your sheer incredulity - there was no more exciting, adrenaline-packed way of spending 18 hours (minus commercials) and in Jack Bauer we found another great hero for our times, one who could stand proud with Bond and Bourne as a man who would do anything... no, really, anything... to get the job done.

In tribute then, here's my Top Ten (musical) suggestions for what Jack can do next...




10. The House That Jack Built (Aretha Franklin)

Jack builds a house for his daughter Kim only to discover that all the builders are actually working for the Russian mob. When they kidnap Kim because there's a 'y' in the month and she hasn't been kidnapped this episode yet (surely some oversight!), Jack gets medieval on their eyelids with power tools and vinegary salad dressing.

9. Jumpin' Jack Flash (The Rolling Stones)

Jack is given his toughest assignment ever. He must jump up and down on the spot for 24 hours without pausing to eat, sleep, breathe or go weewee, whilst simultaneously flashing every passerby with Little Jack. If he doesn't complete his mission, Big Bird from Sesame Street , Count Duckula, and Hamble and Big Ted from Play School will be senselessly slaughtered. With a chainsaw. And sticklebricks.

8. Jack Singer (Ricky Ross)

Jack goes undercover on X-Factor. Simon Cowell finally gets what's coming to him.

7. Jack On Fire (Blanche)

Terrorists capture Jack and try to force him to complete their Rubix Cube. When he won't play ball they douse him with a mixture of nitroglycerin, magnesium and gasoline then set fire to his writhing, twitching, teeth-gritting body and watch it burn for 24 hours straight. After which Jack gets really pissed off and kicks their tonsils into orbit.

6. Jackhammer Blues (Woody Guthrie)

It's Jack... with a hammer. A fucking massive hammer. You can guess the rest.

5. Jack Names The Planets (Ash)

Jack thinks the planets in our solar system have very suspicious names. Mars? Jupiter? Neptune? It's all some damned Roman conspiracy! Then there's bloody Earth. What a shit name Earth is - why didn't they just call it Dirt and have done with it? Jack decides to deal with the problem once and for all by detonating eight planet-sized nukes (plus a tiny asteroid-sized nuke for Pluto, which might not actually be a planet anymore but still... "IT'S NAMED AFTER A DAMNED DISNEY DOG, CHLOE!") and starting the galaxy again from scratch. Luckily the wind is blowing eastwards that day so none of the nuclear fall-out affects him. Or anyone else we care about.

4. Jack Killed Mom (Jenny Lewis)

Your mum has information vital to stopping a terrorist attack on Mothercare and only Jack Bauer can get it out of her. I'm so very, very sorry.

3. Hit The Road, Jack (Ray Charles)

Jack goes on a road trip across America but is horrified by the state of the nation's highways. "DAMN IT, CHLOE - THERE'S JUST TOO MANY POTHOLES!" He solves the problem by pounding every single inch of tarmac from the east coast to the west with his own face until it's all levelled out and nobody will ever get a puncture again.

2. Smackwater Jack (Carole King)

Undercover CTU moles trick our hero into going back on smack (remember season 3?) but he soon discovers it has no effect on him whatsoever. It's like drinking a glass of aired water for someone as hard as Jack Bauer. So he decides to completely eliminate the drug trade by torturing every single addict in the world, one by one, with garden shears, pliers, and Ricky Martin records, until they're all as tough - and immune to everything - as he is.

1. Jack & Diane (John Mellencamp)

Jack uncovers the truth behind the conspiracy to murder Princess Diana, storms the palace with a sponge and a rusty spanner, bites off one of Charles's ears (it keeps him going for about a week), and gets savaged by a pack of the Queen's rabid corgis.

When Will There Be Good News?

I'm obviously a sucker for a title like that, even if I wasn't already a huge Kate Atkinson fan. A couple of novels ago, Kate fooled the book-buying world into believing she was a crime writer - a clever ruse since genre fiction tends to breed a devoted following and often sell more than the literary gems she was previously credited with.

This then is the third "Jackson Brodie adventure", though perhaps it would be more appropriate to call it the second "Louise Monroe adventure" as by now it's the Scottish DCI introduced in Atkinson's previous novel One Good Turn who's become the real star of this series. She's witty, she's short-tempered, she's extremely self-aware... and this time, for better or worse, she's married.

Joining Jackson and Louise in this third installment is another character I hope we'll see more of in the future, 16 year-old amateur sleuth Reggie Chase. In many ways she's the smartest cookie in the book, though not at all precocious, and a worthy addition to this dysfunctional family of detectives.

Atkinson's writing deviates from genre in two notable areas. Firstly the plotting. Although the novel begins with a gruesome murder, this isn't the crime we're charged with solving, merely an introduction to a couple of important characters. The central dramatic event is a train crash, though that's an accident not a crime. Indeed, for a large part of the book we're left wondering just what we're actually investigating. It's not so much a whodunit as a whodunwhat... though just as gripping.

Secondly, the writing. It's not formulaic, neither is it self-consciously literary. The omniscient narrative follows multiple perspectives, sometimes leaping from one character's mind to another's mid-chapter. The writing - and thinking - is extremely conversational - at times almost frustratingly colloquial. Occasionally I found myself wishing some of her characters wouldn't speak with so many cliches... not novelistic cliches, but the kinds of dull cliches we use in everyday life. It's very real, but sometimes you want your heroes to speak the way you only wish you could.

A small criticism of an otherwise hugely entertaining novel. When Will There Be Good News? As soon as Atkinson releases book 4.

Spandex 2 - Pink Ninjas

Martin Eden is a tease.

When he released the first issue of his colourful, camp gay superheroes comic Spandex, he warned us we'd have to wait quite some time before we saw them again. Then something unexpected happened. Something really quite wonderful. The kind of thing your average small press creator can only dream of. The world went Spandex crazy. It began with a simple press release... and before he knew it Martin was being interviewed by newspapers, websites, TV and radio shows all around the world. Spandex wasn't strictly the world's first gay superhero comic, but it may well have been the first to market itself as such, and that was just the kind of hook journos love. That said, the success of Spandex isn't merely down to novelty value and smart advertising - none of that would matter if the comic wasn't also loads of fun... and fortunately, that's exactly what it is.

So here we have issue 2, much earlier than planned, and even more fun than the first one. Yes, there are pink ninjas. Yes, there's camp humour, bitchiness and sarcasm. Yes, this is a mature readers book, so you do get to see in cartoon detail the problems caused by excitement to the male member when dressed in skintight spandex. But there's also a depth of characterisation that will be familiar to readers of Martin's other classic superhero comic, The O Men, and there's the beginnings of some sneaky plot machinations that bode very well for the future. Plus Martin's art looks better than ever in dayglo colour. I really hope the success he's enjoyed so far is just the beginning.

Find out more about Spandex and order your own copy here.

June Listening

Where the Indelicates meet Meat Loaf... it's a scary place to live!

Been a while since I did a post on what's filling up my music player at the moment, so here's a quick run-through of some of the tracks that are keeping me from driving off the road on my way to work...



Frank Turner is the best new artist I've discovered this year. Not that he's particularly new, he was originally singer with 'post-hardcore' band Million Dead. I've not heard anything by them, but I guess they were pretty heavy. Around four years ago he went solo, reinventing himself as an angry, lyrically-charged and politicised singer-songwriter, half Billy Bragg, half Springsteen. He's released a number of albums since then, but his most recent, Poetry Of The Deed seems to be the one that's breaking him. It features the semi-hit single The Road, which was enough to convince me to buy the album... and the song above, Try This At Home, which was enough to convince me to buy his entire back catalogue.

Because the only thing that punk-rock should ever really mean
Is not sitting round and waiting for the lights to turn green
And not thinking that you're better 'cause you're stood up on a stage
If you're oh, so fucking different then who cares what you have to say?

'Cause there's no such thing as rockstars there's just people who play music
And some of them are just like us and some of them are dicks
So, quick turn off your stereo; pick up that pen and paper
Yeah, you can do much better than some skinny half-arsed English country singer...

Although I adored the Courteeners debut album, St. Jude, I'd been discouraged from buying the follow-up Falcon after a lacklustre live show at Christmas convinced me their lead singer was a bit of an arse. Still, it's only a fiver now, so I thought I'd give it a go. Glad I did. Liam Fray may have flunked the entrance exam for the Liam Gallagher School Of Humility, but he still writes far better lyrics than those Oasis boys ever managed. A welcome surprise.



My front runner for Album Of The Year continues to show no sign of wilting. Like all classic records, you peel off another layer of intrigue every time you hear it. More diverse in style than their debut, it boasts a lyrical and musical confidence that few other bands have demonstrated in the 21st century, and the fact that it's not been number one on the album chart for the last ten weeks... and it's been all but ignored by the music press... just goes to show. What it shows, I'm not entirely sure, but it's a damning indictment of something.

Because you'll never take enough of those pills
Yeah, you're too clever to be mentally ill
You'll never fashion your damaged soul
Because you're too clever to lose control...

Remember, you can download both albums by the Indelicates here - and choose for yourself exactly how much you want to pay for them. Whatever you decide, it won't be enough.



Normally when I confess my love of classic Meat Loaf, I'm all about praising the Wagnerian genius of Jim Steinman, his songwriter and collaborative loon from the days of Bat Out Of Hell, Dead Ringer et al. Sadly Meat and Stein haven't worked together in getting on for 15 years now, so when I talk about the new album Hang Cool, Teddy Bear - it's all about the Meat.

The truth is, much as I love him, Meat hasn't released a great album since he fell out with Jimbo. And sadly, Hang Cool changes nothing . It's full of overblown nonsense in search of a tune, and I wouldn't recommend it to any but the most diehard Meat fan. That said, as with previous Jimless records, there's usually one or two tracks that make it worthwhile, and this time that's down to lead single Los Angeloser. It's a work of Elvis-In-Vegas camp OTT genius, as is the video. This is music as pure entertainment, and if it doesn't make you at least crack a smile, there's no hope for you, daddy-o!



The laziest slacker in music, Evan Dando, quietly released a new Lemonheads album last year, but it came as no surprise that he couldn't be arsed to write any new songs for it. Instead, he plumped for that time-honoured tradition of lazy slacker songwriters everywhere: the covers album. A fine selection of re-interpretations they are too, including Townes Van Zandt's Waiting Round To Die, Wire's Fragile, Leonard Cohen's Hey, That's No Way To Say Goodbye and Tim Hardin's How Can We Hang On To A Dream? There are a couple of misfires: a bizarre stab at Dutch electronica (Dirty Robot, featuring Kate Moss on vocals) and Christina Aguilera's Beautiful, which has already been covered by everyone from Clem Snide to Elvis Costello to our cat Murphy. But they're more than made up for by the song above, Layin' Up With Linda, originally recorded by shock punk GG Allin (and if you want to know what I mean by 'shock punk', wikipedia him... but only if you've got a strong stomach). It's one of those songs that hooks in your head on first listen, and it's perfect for the Evan Dando growl.



You know when you start properly listening to an artist and you wonder how you ever survived without them? When's the last time that happened to you? For me, it was a couple of weeks ago when I finally got round to buying the first 3 homemade albums by Superman Revenge Squad (you can order all three here for just £2.50 each + 50p p&p - another bargain). The track above explains exactly why he's making music, and why you should be buying it.



Hoyt Axton is perhaps most famous as Zach Galligan's dad in Gremlins. But long before that he was a successful songwriter, penning hits for Three Dog Night (Joy To The World), John Denver, Steppenwolf, Ringo Starr and others. Probably the most famous track he recorded himself was Della and The Dealer, a song I remember hearing Terry Wogan play regularly before the radio went arrogantly ginger. It's a little nugget of country genius, and I can't get enough of it.

It's Coming Home...

I've been out the last few nights snapping England flags off the cars in my neighbourhood till I've collected enough to build a huge patriotic footballing bonfire. You may feel this is childish, peevish, yobbish vandalism... and you would probably be correct. However, I do like to feel that I'm doing my bit to redress the balance. The way I see it, if I don't do it... who will? The majority of your ordinary, everyday vandals are likely to be football fans too, willing to suppress their destructive urges in celebration of their glorious game. (Well, at least until the inevitable happens, after which it'll be open season on any symbol that reminds them of their slaughtered dreams.)

You may also feel that the above paragraph contains a sweeping generalisation based around the premise that all football fans are yobs and vice versa. You would definitely be correct in that... however, in my defence, I've been the victim of many a sweeping generalisation from football fans all my life. Such as the generalisation that as a male of the species, I should automatically be interested in their precious sport. "Did you see the game last night?" "Looking forward to the match this weekend?" "What do you reckon to Rooney's chances on Saturday?" And the generalisation that when I express the opinion that I really couldn't give a monkey's left testicle... then there really is summat wrong with me.

Football fans are also among the first to make sweeping generalisations about my own alternative entertainment choices. They'll decide that because I read comics I'm some sad, loser geek. OK, so they're not exactly wrong about that. They'll think that because I like Morrissey I'm some morose, bequiffed misanthrope. OK, so that's a bad example too. Actually, maybe there is something to this sweeping generalisation business after all? A stereotype doesn't become a stereotype unless it's got a large dollop of truth mixed in... isn't that right, my hooligan brethren?

With that in mind, I'll be out again tonight (and tomorrow, between 8-30 and 11pm) snapping off those England flags for all I'm worth. Doing my bit for universal harmony. Because, after all, if I drove around with a huge Spider-Man mask sticking out the top of my sunroof, I'd expect you to do the same for me. Oh, and if you choose to challenge me on my behaviour, please don't try that old "where's your patriotic spirit?" bullshit, because I guarantee that won't get you anywhere. There's nothing even remotely patriotic about your little tribal gut-kicking contest, and just because you wear a red cross on your chest it hardly makes you St. George, now does it? Go out and slay some dragons or something, by jingo! Then we'll talk.

You may feel angry after reading this post... but then, football fans never did have much of a sense of humour. Of course, that might just be another sweeping generalisation... I'm willing to be proved wrong.

The Just Because Meme

Another meme stolen from Sunday Stealing...

1. Make a list of 5 things you can see without getting up.

I'm not in bed. Oh, do you mean without getting up from my chair? I can see... a Spider-Man mask, an Iron Man 2 mousemat, a large bottle of Evian that I bought new yesterday because the one I'd been drinking out of the last few weeks had green slime growing in the bottom, two leopard postcards and a Dilbert cartoon about friends.

2. How do you style your hair? How often do you cut it?

I wet it, brush it back with my hands and apply a small amount of gel. It needs cutting every six weeks or so, it grows very fast.

3. What are you wearing now?

A brown swirly-patterned, short-sleeved shirt, brown cords, black trainer/boot/shoes.

4. What's your occupation? Do you like it?

Filling the world with bile and garbage. No.

5. When was the last time you took a nap? Was there a special reason?

Can't remember. I was tired?

6. Who was the last person you hugged romantically?

Louise.

Ooh, look, number 7 is missing - let's make up our own number 7...

7. What's your favourite Abba song?



Although I prefer the cover by The Real Tuesday Weld.

8. What was the last full meal you ate?

Define "full meal"? You mean more than the sandwich I had for lunch or the porridge I had for breakfast.

That would be last night's tea - moussaka with petit pois, followed by blueberries and Greek yoghurt for dessert.

9. What was the last email you received?

Very dull.

10. What one website do you always visit when you go online?

This one.

11. What was the last significant thing you bought?

Again, define "significant"? If you mean "significant in value", that would have to be our house, which we'll be paying for forever.

12. What musical artist did you not get at first, but then became a fan?

Morrissey.

13. What did you think about before you went to bed last night?

Writing. The BBC Springwatch programme. Charlie Brooker's cynicism.

14. What was the last CD you bought?

Falcon by the Courteeners and Hang Cool, Teddy Bear by Meat Loaf.

15. What is your favorite weather, and why? What's the weather like today?

I like varied weather. If it stays one way for too long, I get bored / annoyed. Today is grey.

16. If you could have a special artistic talent, what would it be?

To be able to write more successfully.

Oh, look, question 17 has something to do with some US reality TV show I wouldn't even watch even if I lived in the states... let's replace it with something else.

17. How many tablets do you take a day?

Four. Two painkillers for my back, a cod liver oil capsule and a milk thistle capsule.

18. What's something you'd like to say to someone right now?

"Fuck off and leave me alone."

19. Any special plans for this weekend?

I wanted to see Nicolas Cage's Bad Lieutenant but it doesn't seem to be on anymore. I will instead be watching the 24 Finale. Say goodnight, Jack.

20. Besides your current S/O, who was the last person that you loved romantically?

Jessica Rabbit.



Feel free, etc. etc.

Thoughtballoons - Mephisto

This week's thoughtballoons character, as chosen by Brandon, is Mephisto. The Marvel Universe is full of gods - from many different pantheons (Greek, Norse, African etc.) - so it makes perfect sense that it'd also have its fair share of devils. Mephisto is quite possibly the baddest of the bad. Not only has he made a career out of torturing the likes of Daredevil, Thor and the Silver Surfer, but he's also the one responsible for the controversial dissolution and erasing of Peter Parker's marriage to Mary Jane Watson (yes, Kelvin, it really was Mephisto - not Joephisto!). Like many literary devils, he likes nothing more than a good deal. Which is what I've based my own 1-page Mephisto story around. Tell me, how would you respond to an offer like this?

As always, I encourage you to check out the other great Mephisto stories from my fellow thoughtballoners. He's a character who opens up a myriad of evil story possibilities...