Movie Review: The Raid

All the critics loved Indonesian action movie The Raid. Listen to them bleat...

"Remember your first time with Hard Boiled? Die Hard? This is how it's done - a clean, hard, constant hit of adrenalin." (Empire)

"High octane excitement from start to finish." (5 Live)

"You have never seen anything this AWESOME." (Twitch Film.)

Even the normally reserved Peter Bradshaw at the Grauniad chimes in with...

"The Raid is completely deranged - and completely superb."

Blimey!

Now, I hate to be the voice of 'meh' in all this, but...

I just don't get it. It's a nice enough premise (and one that suits a city as lawless as Jakarta is painted - not sure how they'll explain the inevitable Hollywood remake): a tower block full of criminals in the worst part of town is targeted by a rogue SWAT team, and a shoot-em-up / kick-boxing bloodbath ensues. However... and this may just be me... but once you've seen 5 chop-sockey pummelings in a row, you start to feel a little... well, pummeled... yourself.

The comparison with the godfather of all action movies only goes so far as "they're both set in a tall building". What Die Hard had... and The Raid palpably doesn't... is a charismatic hero, a superbly arch pantomime baddy, good jokes (to break up the fight scenes) and heart-stopping tension. It's not a bad film, and Welsh director Gareth Evans gives it his all, but in the end there's little more to be found here than one fight scene after another after another after another after another. After another. If that's all you're looking for... then go join the critics.

Top Ten Spaceman & Spacewoman Songs

We're still up in space... but before we visit any more planets, here's a few songs about the men and women who might be making the journey alongside us.

10. Babylon Zoo - Spaceman

If you remember the 30 second jeans ad that made this song a hit, you might remember being rather confused on hearing the full-length version. The rest of the song sounds very different to the bit everybody knows. Watching the video again, I can't help but conclude that Jas Mann was a bit of a git: and his lyrics are pretentious drivel (please stop listening before you get to the "intergalactic Christ" bit). Still, it was a moment in time.

9. Drugstore - Spacegirl

See, I was about to type, "ah, Drugstore... whatever happened...?" until a little birdie told me the band recently got back together and released their first album in almost a decade. Further investigation is required...

8. Belle & Sebastian - A Space Boy Dream

I dreamt I had to go to Mars.

I'm always kidding on about going to Mars for the day
But faced with the reality of it, in a dream, I was terrified.

And it wasn't going to be like a moon trip
There was three of us going, but we couldn't all go on the same ship
We had to go one at a time with a day between us.

The other two astronauts were going to be my dad and my sister
And my dad would come first after me
So I decided when I landed I would just stay in my seat until he got there
And then we could get out together and have a look around
And see what sort of things were there.

7. The Killers - Spaceman

Whatever else you might think about Brandon Flowers, you've got to give him some credit for wearing the outfit he wears in this video. He looks kinda like Mister Sinister from The X-Men. If I were his dad...

"You're not going out wearing that in public, are you, lad?"

6. The Byrds - Mr. Spaceman

As the man who uploaded this to youtube remarks: "good song". Fair enough.

5. Patti Smith - Space Monkey

Of course, it wasn't men or women who went into space first - it was the animals. (We'll have more of them in my Top Ten Astronaut Song list next week.)

I have come to the conclusion that the best Patti Smith songs (with the exception of the one co-written by Bruce) are the ones where she sounds like the kind of insane, rambling lunatic you might meet in the street and give all your change to just to make her go away. This is a prime example.

4. The Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band - I'm The Urban Spaceman

Ah, those wacky 60s. Prepare yourself for the twist ending!

And, just for Dave... The Cud cover version. Which is better than I remembered.

3. Harry Nilsson - Spaceman

Now that I am a spaceman, nobody cares about me.

In many ways, that's the tragic story of Harry Nilsson's life right there. Maybe that's why I'm such a fan...

2. The All-Seeing I featuring Phil Oakey - First Man In Space

Not only has it got Phil Oakey on vocals - it's got Jarvis Cocker on lyrics! Sheffield's finest musical sons (well, two of them), together at last.

Darling, come quick - I can see our house from here!

1. Spiritualized - Ladies & Gentleman, We Are Floating In Space

Perhaps not an obvious choice for Number One on this particular Top Ten (though it was inevitable it'd turn up somewhere on my trip)... until you remember that the man behind Spiritualized is called J. Spaceman. After that: it's perfect.



As I said, next week is Astronaut Songs. But first - which musical Spaceman would you want to be trapped in a capsule with?

In Which I Dream Of Balls

Last night, I dreamt my mum told me that radio and TV presenter Zoe Ball was 80 years old. "Don't be silly," I replied, but she insisted. She'd heard it on the radio so it must be true.

"But, Mum," I told her, "Zoe Ball's married to Fatboy Slim. He was a teenager when he was in the Housemartins - so he's probably just a few years older than me. Why would he be married to an 80 year old woman?"

"What's wrong with 80 year old women?" asked my mum. (She's 83.)

So I went off to investigate... but nowhere online could I find anything to confirm Zoe's real age. However, during my search I did discover that her dad, my childhood TV hero Johnny 'Think of a Number' Ball, was now 116 years old... which led me to believe there may be some truth to my mum's story.

In fact, so convinced was I of the veracity of this dream that I had to google Zoe Ball when I woke up, just to double-check. Turns out she's 41. Which is good, because I'd have been most upset if she'd been younger than me.

Anyway, enough of my dreams. I'm off back to the BBC website to watch Tony Blair accused of war crimes again. Video of the day!

Comic Review: The Almighties #1

My old mate Sam Johnson has recently premiered his new comic The Almighties, a timely, action-packed spoof of a certain other A-rated superteam doing the rounds at the moment. Here's Sam to tell you a little more...

Just in time for THAT movie - Almighties Amass!

Nick Fury is currently assembling Earth’s Mightiest Heroes in the Avengers movie – but what if a more questionable character put together his own skewed take on the world’s greatest super-team…or just threw together whoever was available?

The enigmatic White Out has amassed a dysfunctional bunch of heroes to take down ‘threats to America’ - sending them on missions that have comedic nods to all the big Marvel events of recent years – from Civil War to Fear Itself. But these aren’t your momma’s super-heroes and things aren’t quite as they seem…

“The Almighties brings together creations from myself and co-scripter Mike Gagnon,” says the comic’s other writer Sam Johnson (creator of Geek-Girl and Cabra Cini: Voodoo Junkie Hitwoman). “But while that other super-team are the best that could be assembled, brought together to take on threats that no single hero could withstand – things are a bit more…offbeat here.” Johnson continues, “The guy that hires them - White Out – is a little wacky, aided as he is by a lobotomized butler with a tray of Pimm’s – and he has a personal agenda. So there are factors at play in whom he’s amassed that don’t necessarily make for the most heroic of super-teams. For example, one of them – Nite Fang – whom Johnson & Gagnon bill as ‘our Hulk’ - is a cocky British punk/werewolf who’s here purely for the pay check; another - Mason - is a borderline-psycho merc, and another - Stefanos – billed as ‘our Wolverine’ - is seemingly just a guy that runs a kebab shop - armed with his donor kebab on a skewer!

Not all members of the team are total misfits, though, Johnson and Gagnon bill their field leader - Maxi-Tron - and female member Ms. F - as ‘our Iron Man and Ms. Marvel.’ But like those heroes, these two are also flawed. Only more so.

Johnson fills us in: “Maxi has Tony Stark’s ego dialed up to 11 and is more self-centered than it’s healthy to be when your life and the lives of your team-mates are on the line, and Ms. F has just broken free of her oppressive marriage and has anger issues coming out of that. Anger issues she’s gonna take out on crime!”

“This comic has been created by a talented group of creators who are also big comic book fans,” adds co-scripter Mike Gagnon. “It’s all done in good natured humor, and with all the dark and serious stories being told in comic books, I think this book is important because it reminds people that comics can be fun.”

With the motley crew amassed, you can expect offbeat action, adventure, comedy, testicular cancer, Nazi Robots, and plenty more – all illustrated by hot team of up-and-coming artists Eleonora Kortsarz, Pablo Zambrano and D.C. White - in The Almighties #1; out now in $3.99 regular, $2.99 digital and Limited Avengers movie poster-parody Variant editions; 32 pages, full color, rated Teen+ published by Actuality Press and available to purchase at www.thealmighties.com where you can also check out free-to-read Almighties Origins!

The Almighties gets my wholehearted recommendation, so pop over to their website and find out more right now.

Oh My God - They Killed House!

You bastards!

(Spoilers ahead, obviously.)

I actually thought they'd done it too.

Last episodes are always tricky things to get right. There are certain fundamental elements the audience wants, expects, demands. And top of that list is a happy ending. We've lived with these characters, followed their adventures... laughed, cried, got angry and shared every other emotion with them... for eight whole years. If we're never going to see them again, we want to know they're riding off into the sunset, that they've finally found happiness.

The problem with a character, and a show, like House is that its basic philosophy goes against all that. In real life, House always reminds us, for some people at least, there are no happy endings. They've made a big point of that over the last eight seasons. Just when you thought you knew where a story was going, they always managed to pull the rug out from under you. That's the nature of good detective fiction (a genre which House has always belonged to - don't let anyone kid you it's a medical drama): there has to be a twist at the end that you didn't see coming. So much of the storytelling in this show is built upon dramatic irony... so when House's best / only friend Wilson was revealed as an oncologist dying of the very disease he's been helping people deal with throughout his entire medical career, it would have been a huge cop out to have House cure him. Even though House cures everything!

So Wilson had to die. And House had to either find another reason to go on living... or follow / precede his friend to the grave. Because the only other option would be to give in to sentimentality, and this is a show that has fought sentimentality at every available opportunity.

That's why I thought they'd actually killed him. Even though I knew they couldn't. Despite the fact that it was the last ever episode, despite the fact they'd titled it "Everyone Dies", despite the fact that it would have been the ultimate dramatic irony: the final lesson House learns for definite - there are no happy endings. Just like he'd been telling everyone all along.

In the end though, it would have been a colossal bummer to end the show like that. So they found a way to have their cake and eat it. House dies, he loses / sacrifices the only thing that gave his life meaning. And yet he lives. Why? Because the world's biggest misanthrope cares more about his best friend than he does himself. So House and Wilson get to ride off into the sunset after all... not a happy ending if you dwell on it, but for that one perfect moment, exactly what they - and we - needed.

Goodbye then, Gregory House M.D. I'll miss you, you cantankerous old bastard.

Top Ten Venus Songs

Hey, I never said my journey into outer space was going to take me in a straight line. From Mars, we slingshot back round Earth to our other nearest neighbour, the one a little closer to the sun. Things are hotting up, although the Venus we'll be hearing about through most of this list is a hot, heavenly goddess rather than a big blue rock surrounded by carbon dioxide and sulphuric acid...

10. Low - Venus

A wonderfully relaxing slice of slowcore Mormon rock about a girl who's fed up with everything, from her friends to her make-up. One for the chill-out tent...

9. Bjork - Venus As A Boy

A lorry. A hatter. A box of frogs. Bjork.

8. Mark Wynter - Venus In Blue Jeans

An actor who became a pop star. A Eurovision loser. A cheesy 60's crooner. Why am I so much more forgiving of Mark Wynter than I would be his 21st Century counterparts?

7. Television - Venus

I fell right into the Arms of Venus de Milo.

As rock 'n' roll jokes go, this one always makes me smile.

6. Frankie Avalon - Venus

While Sam Cooke pleaded with Cupid to draw back his bow, Frankie Avalon sent his romantic prayers straight to the Roman goddess of love. Did either answer?

5. Prefab Sprout - Venus of the Soup Kitchen

The song that gave From Langley Park to Memphis its title. So beautiful it makes me want to cry.

4. The Scaremongers - From The Shorelines of Venus

The epic closing track from my local poet laureate's debut (and to date, sadly, only) album, this finds Simon Armitage, his mate and his missus, crafting lyrical images that would make Morrissey green with envy. If you don't own this record, do yourself a favour...

At the height of the season
In a laughable blouse
Came in a suitcase and laughed at my house

3. Half Man Half Biscuit - Venus In Flares

A million housewives every day, pick up a can of beans and say
“What an amazing example of synchronisation”

...begins Nigel Blackwell's ode to our #2 record. It ends in even more outrageous fashion...

Well, The Grand Old Duke Of York
Well, he had ten thousand men
And he marched them up to the top of the hill
And he had them all again

2. The Velvet Undergound - Venus In Furs

Shiny, shiny, shiny boots of leather...

It's about S&M. All the best songs are.

1. Shocking Blue - Venus

Or, if you insist, this version... because I'm a child of the 80s; I'm not proud. (Plus, the video looks like Meat Loaf might stroll in at any second.)



Those were my Venus votes... but which is your goddess on the mountain top?

Movie Review - The Dictator

On exiting Sacha Baron Cohen's The Dictator, I decided to play a little Generation Game memory test, recalling as many of the broken taboos that had trundled past me during the previous hour and a half on this Conveyor Belt of Wrong...

Terrorism
Murder
Rape
Suicide Bombing
Torture
Childbirth
Racism
Sexism
Capitalism
Communism
Liberalism
Feminism
Homophobia
Disability
Masturbation
Blow Jobs
Defecation
Urination
Nuclear War
Megan Fox
Death*

Truly, there are no sacred cows in Sacha Baron Cohen's world: any subject is a suitable target for either satire or flat-out farce. Of course, Cohen and director Larry Charles would no doubt argue they're not making jokes about any of the sensitive issues above... they're making jokes about people's attitudes to them. Which is a very fine line to tread.

But none of that's for me to argue. The only question that mattered to me was this: Is it funny?

And, yes, I found The Dictator a very funny film.

Your own mileage may vary.



(*It occurs to me that this list may have a wonderful effect on my SEO rankings. But I guess that just goes to show the world's as screwed as Sacha Baron Cohen thinks it is... and if so, what else have we got left but to laugh?)