Movie Review: Ghost Rider - Spirit of Vengeance

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

Like most sane moviegoers, I didn't have a great deal of time for the original Ghost Rider movie. OK, it was a stinker. So why, pray tell, did I plunk down my hard earned shekels (well, I.'s hard-earned shekels, since we went on Orange Wednesday and he took pity on my unemployed ass and gave me the GOF of his BO) on the second one? My defence goes thus...

1. I like Ghost Rider. He's one of those Marvel B-listers I've always had a soft spot for even though very few writers seem able to make him work. JM DeMatteis managed it back when I was a kid and Jason Aaron knocked it out of the park recently, but beyond that I can't think of too many other great Ghost Rider stories. The potential is there though, as I discovered while writing this week's Thoughtballoons script based on the character. There's so much can be done with this concept. Sadly, the writers of this movie (mostly David bloody Goyer, Hollywood's go-to guy for bad - and occasionally surprisingly good - superhero movies) preferred to run with a tepid combo of Hellboy, The Omen and The Fast & The Furious... and however exciting you might think that sounds: trust me, you're wrong.

2. I (used to) like Nicholas Cage. And every now and then he makes a film which shows a spark of the manic genius he displayed in Wild At Heart or Bad Lieutenant rather than just SHOUTING ALL THE TIME and ACTING REALLY BADLY. Sadly, this was not to be one of those films. Hey, Nick, if you love Ghost Rider as much as you say you do... why didn't you put some bloody effort in?

3. Idris Elba was in it. I like him a lot. He made the absolute most of an underwritten role and provided a couple of moments of blessed comic relief. Many more were needed. Meanwhile, Ciaran Hinds popped up as the devil. Another hugely talented actor... wasted.

4. The reviews told me this one was much better than the first. They lied.


On the other hand, I can't say the warning signs weren't there. I should have paid more attention to the following...


1. The directors, Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, are most famous for making dumb action movies starring Jason blinkin' Statham. Their style can best be described as "less accomplished Guy Ritchie". I hate Guy Ritchie.

2. It was only possible to watch this movie in 3D. Which is strange as Spirit of Vengeance featured the least gratuitous 3D effects of any pointlessly 3D film I've seen in recent times. In fact, other than the fact I was wearing those stupid glasses so (as usual) my eyes hurt and I couldn't focus on the whole of the screen... at no point was I aware of any 3D effects whatsoever. It was like watching a 2D movie with 3D glasses on. I'd rather have just watched it the way god intended.

3. There was a sequence in which Ghost Rider takes a leak and pisses fire. As if to suggest this might be the highlight of the movie, they even included it in the trailer. It was desperate, humourless and lacking in imagination. Actually, that was pretty representative of the movie as a whole. I take that back: it belonged in the trailer. It should have been the whole trailer. 30 seconds of Ghost Rider weeing. That would have been apt.

Drive Angry 3D

I've been openly mocking Nicolas Cage's new film, Drive Angry 3D, since I saw the first poster.

Especially considering the woeful travesty that was the fat-faced, Elvis-voiced goon's last flick, Season Of The Witch.

Especially considering I hate the current obsession with forcing unnecessary (and really quite shoddy) 3D fx into every single big budget pic Hollywood churns out these days. (I read the other day that Baz Luhrmann's adaptation of The Great Gatsby* is even going to be filmed in 3D... WTF?)

Especially considering it has one of the worst titles of any movie released this century...


So, with all that in mind, why the hell did we go see it?

Because we're fools. Fools, I tell you, crazy fools!

Because I've seen nothing but worthy, intelligent Oscar contenders over the last few weeks and I needed some trash.

And because sometimes, shit films can be fun.


But do you know what? Drive Angry 3D isn't as bad as you think it will be. It's actually a big cheesy helping of B-movie fun. If you enjoyed Tarantino & Rodriguez's Grindhouse double bill, this shares a similar lineage and combines the best elements of both.

The premise is straight out of a 70s shlockbuster. Nicolas Cage has escaped from hell to take revenge on the sneeringly evil cult leader who killed his daughter and stole his only grandchild. (Yes, Cage is now old enough to play a grandpa. Cut him some slack on the fat face.) Along the way he hooks up with sexy, spunky waitress Amber Heard who drives some huge slab of speedy American-made metal and needs help dealing with her abusive redneck boyfriend. Cage also tries his best to steer clear of a demonic accountant played with scenery-chomping glee by William Fichtner (you know, the guy Hollywood always hire when they can't afford Christopher Walken). Much car-chasing, truck-exploding, shotgun-blasting mayhem ensues, all in the worst possible taste, punctuated by crass-but-funny one-liners and heavy rock power chords. It's utter nonsense, but it knows it. And you can't fault it for that.

Only two things disappoint. One is the cameo by NYPD Blue's Charlotte Ross (aka the third Mrs. Sipowicz) as a trashy waitress who gets to have sex with Cage while he kills a gang of attacking meatheads. It's a cute scene and there's nothing wrong with Ross's performance, it's just a shame to see her reduced to this kind of role, botox and all.

And then there's the 3D. Which I still think both gratuitous and distracting. I'd much rather have watched the film without it, though sadly we weren't given that option. And I still resent having to pay an extra £3 to watch a movie in a format that actually makes the visual experience less distinct, harder to follow, and much less enjoyable. But I appear to be in the minority on that one.

Still, against all odds, Drive Angry 3D delivered. I even appreciated the character names - Milton (Cage), Piper (Heard) and Webster (an unexpected cameo from David Morse). More thought went into this picture than you'd ever have expected... but let's face it, you weren't expecting much.



*Sadly, that wasn't a joke.

Season Of The Witch

So just before Christmas, we're at the cinema, me and I and P, about to watch Unstoppable (which I never got round to reviewing but it was all right, if you like based-on-true-story runaway train gubbins with Denzel Washington and the new Captain Kirk) when up pops a trailer for some new medieval action thriller with lots of dramatic set pieces, spooky intrigue and sexy witches. It was one of those trailers that build to a big, music-stopping reveal. Prior to the reveal, we were thinking: "this doesn't look half bad", "might be worth a go", etc.

And then the crescendo climaxed and in waddled Nicolas Cage.

A fat-faced, goateed Nicolas Cage in witch-killer armour.

At which point we all burst out laughing. "That looks stupid," we agreed. And that was surely the end of it.


Cut to: early last week.

"Do you fancy going to watch Season of The Witch?"

"I'd rather pluck my own eyeballs out with red hot sugar tongs."

How soon we forget...


Somehow, against my better judgement, I & P persuaded me. "But, it'll be shit!" I argued. "When has that ever stopped us?" came the reply. Surely, they argued, surely it couldn't be any worse than Solomon Kane?


No further review is necessary. If you're dumb enough (as we were) to go see Season Of The Witch expecting any kind of entertainment - you deserve everything you get.


Despite the fact that I named him Number 8 on my infamous list of Top Ten Worst Actors In Hollywood a couple of years ago, I don't actually dislike Nic Cage. When he's on form, he can be ridiculously entertaining. His mental-as-anything remake of Bad Lieutenant with Werner Herzog last year was the best performance I've seen from him in years. Season Of The Witch was the worst. He didn't just phone this one in, he sent it via Morse Code. From the coma ward.

As for the script, when your very best line is...

"We're gonna need more Holy Water."

...well, quite.