So just before Christmas, we're at the cinema, me and I and P, about to watch Unstoppable (which I never got round to reviewing but it was all right, if you like based-on-true-story runaway train gubbins with Denzel Washington and the new Captain Kirk) when up pops a trailer for some new medieval action thriller with lots of dramatic set pieces, spooky intrigue and sexy witches. It was one of those trailers that build to a big, music-stopping reveal. Prior to the reveal, we were thinking: "this doesn't look half bad", "might be worth a go", etc.
And then the crescendo climaxed and in waddled Nicolas Cage.
A fat-faced, goateed Nicolas Cage in witch-killer armour.
At which point we all burst out laughing. "That looks stupid," we agreed. And that was surely the end of it.
Cut to: early last week.
"Do you fancy going to watch Season of The Witch?"
"I'd rather pluck my own eyeballs out with red hot sugar tongs."
How soon we forget...
Somehow, against my better judgement, I & P persuaded me. "But, it'll be shit!" I argued. "When has that ever stopped us?" came the reply. Surely, they argued, surely it couldn't be any worse than Solomon Kane?
No further review is necessary. If you're dumb enough (as we were) to go see Season Of The Witch expecting any kind of entertainment - you deserve everything you get.
Despite the fact that I named him Number 8 on my infamous list of Top Ten Worst Actors In Hollywood a couple of years ago, I don't actually dislike Nic Cage. When he's on form, he can be ridiculously entertaining. His mental-as-anything remake of Bad Lieutenant with Werner Herzog last year was the best performance I've seen from him in years. Season Of The Witch was the worst. He didn't just phone this one in, he sent it via Morse Code. From the coma ward.
As for the script, when your very best line is...
"We're gonna need more Holy Water."
...well, quite.
