How juvenile am I? First Top Ten of 2011, and I pick a sweary word. Maybe I thought I'd end up with a cooler list of artists (and no Barry Manilow songs) if I compiled a Top Ten Bastards. How wrong can one man be...?
10. Mötley Crüe - Bastard
Before you mock the Crüe, consider that they've sold over 80 million albums. Can that many hair metal idiots be wrong? I have more respect for them after reading Chuck Klosterman's poignant and hilarious memoir Fargo Rock City. Not a whole lot more respect, but some. At the end of the day, their drummer did marry Pamela Anderson. I suppose somebody had to.
9. The Replacements - Bastards Of Young
Unlike the Crüe, Paul Westerberg's Replacements are one of those bands everybody always claims to have been into back in the 80s when really they only actually discovered them long after they'd split up. Go on, admit it. Unless you're really cool, like Miller. In which case you probably bought their first album when you were 9 or something. (Did that sound sarcastic? It was actually meant to be a compliment. See, I can't even give my mates compliments without it sounding sarcastic. Grrr.)
Sadly, the Replacements haven't sold 80 million records.
8. Ben Folds - Bastard
Kids today gettin' old too fast
they can't wait to grow up so they can kiss some ass
They get nostalgic about the last ten years
before the last ten years have passed
Pretty soon, you'll be an old bastard too
So why you gotta act like you know when you don't know?
It's OK if you don't know everything
7. Arab Strap - Fucking Little Bastards
And you think I'm misanthropic? Imagine if I was Scottish too...
6. Half Man Half Biscuit - The Bastard Son Of Dean Friedman
If you don't know who Dean Friedman is, consider yourself deprived. He's the poodle-faced god of 70s MOR-storytelling who brought us such classics as Ariel, Lydia, 'Well, Well' Said The Rocking Chair and the divine duet (with Denise Marsa) Lucky Stars. I don't use the word 'genius' lightly etc. etc....
Who better than Nigel Blackwell and the infamous Biscuit to pay tribute to this Titan of Tunesmithery (still on tour, coming soon to a leisure centre near you)?
And you can thank your lucky stars that you're not
The bastard son of Dean Friedman.
5. Ol' Dirty Bastard feat. Kelis - Baby I Got Your Money
You have to feel bad for Mr. and Mrs. Bastard. That name was like an albatross. Whatever they chose to christen their little boy, people were always going to take the piss. I mean... Kevin? Barry? Complete? Heartless? They must have exhausted that book of baby names before coming up with Ol' Dirty. Still, at least they kept Dirty as the middle name. Presumably to avoid causing further embarrassment to his teachers when calling the register.
4. Ian Dury & The Blockheads - There Ain't Half Been Some Clever Bastards
Ian Dury was fearless in the face of rhyming couplets - he bent them to his will. This song is the perfect example of his art... especially verse 3.
Einstein can't be classed as witless.
He claimed atoms were the littlest.
When you did a bit of splitting-em-ness
Frighten everybody shitless
3. Babybird - Bastard
Another track from my 7th favourite album of last year...
You can love me if you want to
But it's best if you don't
You can believe me, you can deceive me
But it's best if you don't
You could date me, you could hate me
But it's best if you don't
We could have kids, we could grow old
But it's best if we don't
I'm untouchable, yes I am
But if you wanna touch me, you can
I'm a bastard, you know that I am
But that's just what you like in a man
Everybody knows Babybird's biggest hit was You're Gorgeous... but coincidentally, it was spoofed by Mark 'n' Lard in The Shirehorses in a track called You're A Bastard.
2. Town Bike - Bastard Heart
Coming on like a Scouse version of the Donnas, Town Bike are the kind of hard-living punk rock chicks who scare the pants off weedy wallflower indie kids like me... but in a good way. Their debut album Go! Fight! Win! was released last year and you can download their amusingly sweary break-up single Bastard Heart (along with its Kiss-cover Crazy Crazy Nights b-side) for free ('n' legal) at the link above. If you like that, why not pop over to their myspace to hear more?
1. Charlotte Hatherley - Bastardo
An all-too autobiographical-sounding tale of holiday romance has Charlotte Hatherley seduced by a Spanish lothario (played by David Walliams) only to wake the next morning to find him gone... along with her precious guitar. Although he did leave a few Euros with thanks for the memories...
(Simon Pegg also pops up in the spoof girl's comic video as a Spanish waiter.)
I know, I'm a bastard because I didn't include...?
