Too Much Sex & Violence #3 is here!

It's time to return to Fathomsby and catch up with its strange, perverted and outlandish residents. See Harry Hall wallow in drunken regret. Join Dermot and Dorothy for dinner (and orgasmatron). Find out how Wonderful scratches that lonely nights itch. Learn the secret origin of DJ Frank Epstein. Discover what sordid thoughts Kathy Marr encounters when she arrives in town. Examine a two-dicked corpse with FME Imogen Redback. And meet Julia Gore, Jasper Badtouch, Bernie Clunge, Kristoph Plott and the uptight manager of Das Uberblick Hotel. It's our most depraved issue yet...

Written by me, with art by Adrian Bamforth, Kelvin Green, Rob Wells, Stephen Prestwood, Nige Lowrey, Andrew Cheverton, Martin Eden and Chris Askham. Front cover by Martin (and everybody else!), back cover by Chev. All the rest by Davey Metcalfe-Carr.

Sadly, the rising postal cost has meant I've had to put up the price to £2.75 an issue, but hopefully that won't deter you from enjoying the unique pleasures of Fathomsby in the book Broken Frontier called "delectably macabre" and Forbidden Planet described as "a freakshow you can't take your eyes off". Don't worry, the digital download is still just an incredible 99p!

To order the new issue, click here to visit my shop. New readers can also pick up a bargain batch of the first three issues at the knockdown rate of £6.50... while stocks last!

Top Ten Countdown Songs

So - I've got my spaceship, I'm ready to leave earth behind... this is my countdown to lift off.

10. The Tempos - Countdown, Here I Come

Just like a guided missile
My love is heading for you, baby
Like a dog when he hears a whistle
My love is heading for you, baby

They don't write 'em like this anymore. A genuine Northern Soul classic.

9. Weezer - Blast Off!

Jumping the gun rather at number 8, Weezer are already igniting their thrusters. Not sure this is the official video, but it features a robot playing keyboards with tumble-dryer pipe arms, so that's good enough for me.

8. The Black Keys - Countdown

The Black Keys can be forgiven for counting UP rather than down because this track rocks so very much. So very much, I doubt our astronauts would want to leave the launch pad.

7. The Dandy Warhols - Mission Control

From 'Earth To The Dandy Warhols'... naturally.

6. Adam Ant - Apollo 9

This almost made it onto last week's list of Spaceship Songs, but fits here just as well as it begins with a funky countdown.

We will be fine
Apollo 9
Even though
NASA say
We out of line

5. Jupiter One - Countdown

A band I know very little about other than that they countdown to a tight sound.

4. Manfred Mann - 5 4 3 2 1

Paul Jones plays a mean harmonica.

3. Europe - The Final Countdown

Inevitabubble.

2. Pulp - Countdown

A song about sitting on the launch pad, waiting for your life to lift off. We've all been there... some of us still are.

The time, of my life,
oh I think you came too soon,
Yeah you came too soon then,
Oh and it could, it could be tonight,
if I ever leave this room,
(I never leave this room no)
Oh I wasted all my time on all those stupid things that only get me down,
Get down, oh.

1. David Bowie - Space Oddity

Take your protein pills
And put your helmet on...

We've got a long journey ahead of us into musical space... I doubt this is the last we'll hear of Mr. Bowie.



Got a favourite countdown song? Share it with the class.

Book Review - The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes

I read The Sense of an Ending pretty much in one sitting. From this, you can deduce two things. First, it's a reasonably short book (150 pages)... though don't let that fool you into thinking it's a short story. There's a whole lifetime in these pages, fully realised and touchingly real. Secondly, it's damned near unputdownable.

The novel involves Tony Webster, a student in the 60s who has a clumsy relationship with a complicated and frustrating girl called Veronica. When they finally break up, Veronica takes up with Adrian, one of Tony's old school friends, and tragedy soon ensues. But just what really happened between Adrian and Veronica, and the part he himself unwittingly played in their ill-fated romance, is something Tony does not discover until many years later. Julian Barnes has created a compelling mystery that deals with growing old, the unreliability of memory, and the unknown consequences of our actions. There are some terrible revelations contained in the latter pages of this book, yet Barnes makes the reader work hard to piece them together - he doesn't just hand you the answers on a plate. It's a brilliant example of restraint and respecting the reader's intelligence that makes you keep reading long after you should have turned out the light.

I was a huge fan of Julian Barnes when I was younger but this is the first book I've read by him in some years. It's also one of his best, a deserved Booker winner, peppered with the kind of incisive observations that make you nod, smile and sigh at that crazy, sad, tragic and amazing thing called life. But unlike so many other critically adored prize-winners, it's got an actual plot too. What more could you want?*

Sometimes I think the purpose of life is to reconcile us to its eventual loss by wearing us down, by proving, however long it takes, that life isn't all it's cracked up to be.

(*I'm waiting for somebody to say "zombies".)

What To Do If You REALLY Hate Your Neighbours...

...I mean, if you hate your neighbours so much you can't even bear to look at their stinky eyesore of a house! You wish you could wipe it - and them - clean off the face of the earth... but you can't afford dynamite and don't fancy a long prison sentence.

Never mind, one local Huddersfield shop has the answer: packaging material! It's just the job... and better still, they're GIVING IT AWAY!

This has been a Public Service Announcement from the National Literacy League, sponsored by the Your Neighbours Are Dicks Association. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blogging...

Top Ten Spaceship Songs

My musical exploration of space continues.

You may be wondering how I'm planning on getting up into the stars? Here's ten modes of interstellar transportation I considered...

10. The Rezillos - Flying Saucer Attack

Laser beams and gamma projectors
There'll be nothing on earth to protect us
When they arrive out of the sky
They'll be frying us alive

I think I'll wait for the next bus.

9. Def Leppard - Rocket

Oh, come on, you know you don't mean that. It's only Def Leppard. Calm down. Who wouldn't want to go into space with poodle-rockers from Sheffield and a one-armed drummer?

8. Starship - Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now

They started out as a Jefferson Airplane, but that wasn't going to be Slick enough to get them into space. Becoming a Starship rocketed them to the top of the charts.

Heh. DJ puns. They could have been my life.

7. The Wedding Present - Flying Saucer

Dave Gedge has been collecting rusty old spacecraft for years. He also has a Rocket (though sadly you can't hear that on youtube).

6. Suicide - Rocket USA

If flying saucers ever did invade earth, this would be the perfect song to accompany their otherworldly attack. Deeply unsettling, even though it's actually got very little to do with space travel.

5. Peter Parker - Swallow The Rockets

The name of this band is Peter Parker. 'Nuff said.

If I had to go into space, I'd want Peter Parker as my co-pilot. Obviously.

4. Julian Cope - Spacehopper

Julian Cope may well be singing about the orange children's toy with hang-on ears... but I like to picture him riding through space on said item. Kind of like the Silver Surfer... but cooler.

3. Billy Bragg - My Flying Saucer

Care of Woody Guthrie, a sad little song about getting deserted by the mothership. Just like ET. Billy Bragg phone home.

2. Elbow - Lippy Kids

The "title" track from 'Build A Rocket, Boys!'

1. The Kinks - Supersonic Rocket Ship

On my supersonic rocket ship
Nobody has to be hip
Nobody needs to be out of sight. Out of sight.
Nobody's gonna travel second class
There'll be equality
And no suppression of minorities. Well alright.
We'll take this planet, shake it round
And turn it upside down.
My supersonic rocket ship.

Ray Davies: astronaut of pop genius.



So, that's my transportation sorted. If you had to go into space on a musical ship... which would you choose?

Why I Don't Get My Sci Fi Nerd Badge

Thanks to Samurai Frog, who pointed me towards this list of 20 Things Every Sci-Fi Nerd Should Own Physically & Emotionally...

1) Conan The Barbarian Soundtrack

I was never much of a Conan fan, though if I were I suspect I'd have wanted someone other than Arnie to play that particular Hyborian hero. As to the soundtrack...?

FAIL.

2) Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep

I have read this but honestly preferred the film. It is still on my bookshelf though, so I guess I score one point here.

3) The Twilight Zone Collection

Yes. The original US box set with TZ companion book included. Rod Serling is a genius.

4) The Original Star Wars Trilogy – WITHOUT ANY ADDED CRAP

I have the original VHS videos upstairs in the attic, pre-Special Edition, though I think even they had been mucked around with prior to release. I'll count that as a yes, even though I haven't watched them in years.

5) A Profound Hatred for Star Trek Enterprise

I never watched any Star Trek apart from the original Kirk & Spock series, but I don't have any particular hatred for the other series. Enterprise was the one with Scott Bakula, right? How can anyone hate Scott Bakula? (Louise went to college with Scott Bakula's niece. She got a signed photo as proof but she's lost it now.)

FAIL.

6) The Lord of The Rings Extended Edition, The Soundtracks and all of the books

Never liked Orcs.

FAIL.

7) A Profound Sadness for the Way Battlestar Galactica Ended

Never seen it, though Louise has been watching the DVDs and is preparing herself for a let down.

FAIL.

8) A Passionately Favorite Version of the REAL Doctor Who

By "real Doctor Who", I guess you're referring to the pre-revival era? Personally, I don't think of that as any more real than the current incarnation. The Who I grew up with was Tom Baker and I also had a great fondness for Peter Davidson. My favourite Doctor of all time may well be Matt Smith though...

Half a point?

9) A Fear That Will Smith Will Someday Star in The Movie Adaptation of Your Favorite Book

I Am Legend is a favourite book and I had few problems with the Will Smith movie. I guess that's another:

FAIL.

10) Toys from Your Childhood That You Refuse To Part With

Huggy bear. (He lost his nose to a dog.) Not very sci fi, but I'll take the point.

11) The Belief that the Word Midichlorian Was Just from a Nightmare and NOT a real Star Wars Movie

I'll definitely take that point.

12) The Original Tron Movie

Y'know... I'm not sure I've ever ever seen it.

FAIL.

13) An affection for the TV show Firefly

"Affection?" We call it love round these parts.

14) A Hatred for Chris O’Donnell

Why? Because he wasn't Burt Ward? Nah, I don't hate O'Donnell. I might hate Joel Schumacher... if it wasn't for Falling Down.

FAIL.

15) You Know Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics

FAIL.

16) You think Cheetara is HOT!

Thundercats was after my time.

FAIL.

17) You Believe Aliens are our REAL Gods

Am I trying to get my Sci Fi Nerd Badge or my Complete & Utter Numbskull Badge?

FAIL.

18) You Have a Favorite Animated Cult Sci-Fi Movie

Can't think of one.

FAIL.

19) You Blame Hot Rod for Optimus Prime’s Death

Transformers was (just) after my time.

FAIL.

20) You DESPISE Michael Bay for Masturbating on your Childhood

No, I despise George Lucas for that. Michael Bay is just an idiot. If I despised idiots, I'd never leave the house.

FAIL.


Seven and a half out of twenty? Guess I can't claim my badge. I suck at everything...

48 Hour Film Challenge - Tapped Out

As last year, some mates of mine had a crack at the Sci Fi London 48 Hour Film Challenge. They were given a title, a prop and a line of dialogue... and just 48 hours to write and shoot a short sci fi film that included all three. Here's what they came up with...



Well done, guys - best of luck with the competition!

Movie Review - Cabin In The Woods

I read a review of Cabin In The Woods that compared it unfavourably to Scream. Far be it from me to criticise a fellow reviewer, especially a professional getting paid for his opinions, but... bollocks. While both films attack the horror genre with a postmodern, deconstructionist pickaxe, Scream largely tells its audience what it's up to... whereas Cabin In The Woods almost always shows. And we all know which is better from a storytelling perspective, especially in a visual medium like cinema.

I've also seen CITW mentioned in the same breath as Jeepers Creepers for the way it willfully wrongfoots its viewers. Again, that's a totally spurious comparison. While Jeepers Creepers sets off in one direction, then u-turns with no warning into a far less entertaining cul de sac, Cabin In The Woods places its cards on the table from the opening scene. Not all those cards are turned face up, but at no point does it attempt to cheat us like Jeepers did.

Instead, what Drew Goddard and Joss Whedon deliver here is not just the most original and entertaining horror movie in years... but one of the most original and entertaining movies full stop. It's a film with the guts and balls to attempt to explain and justify every ridiculous and crappy horror flick you've ever seen. Genre fans with a sense of humour will lap it up. Those who don't appreciate Whedon's irreverent brand of snarky humour and playful iconoclasm can go watch Battleship instead.

Oh, and did I mention the cast? Beyond the five subverted teen cliches led by Chris 'Thor' Hemsworth and the doe-eyed Willow-alike Kristen Connolly, the cream of the Whedon alumni is present in full force (notably Amy Acker from Angel, Fran Kranz from Dollshouse and Tom Lenk from Buffy). But it's Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins who steal this movie, and not just for fans of The West Wing or Six Feet Under. We really didn't need the stunt-casting cameo at the end... but I can forgive the script's one mis-step into clunky exposition because by then I'd already had so much fun I was guaranteed to go home with a huge grin.

Now even if The Avengers proves a disappointment, Joss Whedon has still delivered one of my favourite movies of the year. More power to him.

Top Twenty Earth Songs

For the next few weeks (or until I grow bored of it), I've planned a musical trip into outer space. And where better to start than home?

Naturally, there are more songs about Earth than any other planet in our Solar System... so here's twenty of my favourites...

20. Placebo - Allergic (To Thoughts of Mother Earth)

If Placebo were starting out now, I probably wouldn't buy their records. Right place, right time.

19. Meat Loaf - Peace On Earth

Meat doesn't want peace on Earth. He just wants to go home.

18. Imogen Heap - Earth

Put that down and clean this mess up
End of conversation
Put your back in it and
Make it up to me now

Whatever you say, love.

17. Curiosity Killed The Cat - Down To Earth

I enjoy this now more than I did at the time, but Ben Volpeliere-Pierrot's hat is still very silly.

16. Prefab Sprout - Earth: The Story So Far

I was so looking forward to this long-unreleased Prefab Sprout album (Lets Change The World With Music) that when it finally arrived, disappointment was perhaps inevitable. Although Paddy's voice is still angelic, the instrumentation mostly sounds like it was recorded in his bedroom on a Bontempi. He just about gets away with it.

15. Green Day - Last Night On Earth

I quite like the fact that Green Day have written a musical. It's the ultimate one finger salute to all those former fans who've been screaming "sell-out" to them for years. This was never a band you should take seriously.

14. Duran Duran - Planet Earth

Yes, I know. I know. But you'd have been disappointed if I hadn't included it somewhere.

13. The Sundays - On Earth

The Sundays are a band that always make me feel younger. They remind me of a certain time. Ironically, a time when I wasn't actually listening to any of their records. But I should have been.

12. The Divine Comedy - Life On Earth

Too good for youtube, apparently. Shame.

11. Gay Dad - To Earth With Love

For about 5 minutes one Wednesday in January, 1999, Gay Dad were the next big thing. And then, like that, they were gone.

10. George Harrison - Give Me Love (Give Me Peace on Earth)

Forever the coolest Beatle.

9. Carole King - I Feel The Earth Move

See also Martika, obviously.

8. Graham Coxon - People of the Earth

People of the earth, your world is crap
You ain't even on the universe map
People of the earth, you do not rock
You are nothing but a fluffy flock
People of the earth, you have failed
You still worship The Sun and The Daily Mail

7. Neil Young - Falling Off The Face Of The Earth

For a cranky old bugger, Neil don't half make some beautiful records.

6. PJ Harvey - The Colour Of The Earth

A cool a capella rendition (followed by the full album version) of one of the stand out tracks from Polly Jean's second Mercury Prize winner.

5. Belinda Carlisle - Heaven Is A Place On Earth

It was about time someone judged Belinda's biggest hit worthy of a reassessment in cool. Thanks to Lana Del Rey then for paying homage on Video Games.

4. Sparks - Never Turn Your Back On Mother Earth

Never turn your back on Ron & Russell Mael. Or on the excellent Niko Case cover.

3. Strangelove - The Greatest Show On Earth

Many of the Britpop era bands that slipped through the cracks were a damned sight more interesting than the ones that bothered the Top Ten. Patrick Duff's Strangelove deserved stardom far more than Oasis.

2. The Dandy Warhols - Not If You Were The Last Junkie On Earth

Another band I sometimes think I've left behind... but they're better than history remembers them.

I never thought you'd be a junkie because heroin is so passé...

1. The Penguins / The Crew Cuts / Death Cab For Cutie et al... and, of course, Marvin Berry & The Starlighters - Earth Angel

C'mon man, let's do something that really cooks...

So. Those were my favourite Earth songs. Now tell me yours.

Points deducted for anyone who mentions the one I left out on purpose...

Book Review: Before I Go To Sleep by S.J. Watson

Every morning, Christine wakes up with no memory of the last 20 years of her life. Her husband Ben has to tell her who she is, where she is, what happened to her and why she can't remember. To help her rebuild her shattered memory, Christine is working with a mysterious doctor who has encouraged her to keep a journal every day of what she (re)discovers about her past. Ben knows nothing about this doctor. Why doesn't Christine trust her husband enough to tell him? Because her journal warns her not to. Meanwhile what happened to Christine's son, Adam... a child she doesn't even remember, despite an intrinsic certainty that she once was a mother? And where is her best friend, Claire? Did she really desert Christine in her time of greatest need?

Fans of Memento will already be hooked. Although the similarities to Christopher Nolan's breakthrough movie are marked, the plot of Before I Go To Sleep is more domestic drama than out-and-out thriller. It's certainly a page-turner though and engenders a similar sense of paranoia as we (Christine & the reader) struggle to work out whodunit... and just what was done. And I'm pleased to say that although I had my suspicions about the twist, the solution was not at all what I'd expected.

Louise Went To New York And All She Brought Me Back Was This Lousy T-Shirt...

...although obviously, since The Big Lebowski is my all-time favourite movie, this is pretty much the Best. Present. Ever.

Yes, Louise went to NYC without me. Her friend won First Class tickets and invited Louise along... although the airline did their best to muck them about and not actually give them First Class... just "the First Class Experience". Which turned out to be not quite the same. Still, free flights to the city that never sleeps... home of Peter Parker, Andy Sipowicz, Bruce Springsteen (yes, I know that's Jersey, but that's where they flew to) and so many more of my heroes. The Dude himself abides in Los Ang-eles County, as I'm sure you're all aware... but he does have a presence in the Big Apple, thanks to this little store Lou and her friend stumbled across down in Greenwich Village.

How cool is that?

And this T-shirt really ties my wardrobe together.

Top Ten Easter Songs

Everybody has a favourite Christmas song, but poor old Easter always has to make do with second best...

10. Patti Smith - Easter

A classic example of a great album let down (slightly) by its title track. There are far better songs on Easter, but I couldn't really ignore this. She is Patti Smith, after all.

9. The Associates - Tell Me Easter's On Friday

Easter's on Friday, Billy.

8. Mansun - Egg Shaped Fred

I did like Mansun, but this is just a blatant attempt to rewrite I Am The Walrus with added indie guitars. You're not Oasis, lads. (Thank god.) Really should have included this in my Top Twenty 'Na Na' Songs.

7. Ashton, Gardner & Dyke - The Resurrection Shuffle.

This band sound like a firm of accountants and look like a bunch of dodgy plumbers you wouldn't let into your house to fix your washing machine. They made a nice enough racket though. This one might also give you a clue as to where we'll end up...

6. Ricky Ross - Cold Easter

Can't find it anywhere online so you'll have to take my word for it: to quote the late Frank Carson, it's a cracker. (Sorry, wrong religious holiday pun.)

5. Tori Amos - Crucify

In which Tori has just got out of the bath. (Rol waits while Steve goes to check out the video and is inevitably disappointed.)

4. Mott The Hoople - Roll Away The Stone

For those of you who think Mott The Hoople only had one good song (the one Bowie gave them), watch this. Hell, watch it anyway for Tony Blackburn and a Womble.

3. XTC - Easter Theatre

Tasty as a big chocolate egg.

2. Julian Cope - Easter Everywhere

There are long periods in which I forget just how good Julian Cope really is. Then suddenly, I remember.

1. The Stone Roses - I Am The Resurrection

No, but just imagine for one second if Ian Brown had been The Resurrection? Would Christianity really have lasted this long?



So... what's your favourite Easter song?

Movie Review: John Carter

The first rule of Film Club is: you do not talk about Film Club.

You all know the second rule of Film Club.

The third rule of Film Club is... if there's a crap genre movie (sci fi, horror, superhero) that all the critics have ripped to shreds: you will go see it in the hope that "it can't be that bad" and generally walk out saying "actually, it was worse".

When I compiled my list of Worst Movies of 2011, Louise pointed out that I hadn't seen any of them with her; I'd seen them all with Film Club. I replied that it was for her own good. Film Club watch the most awful pieces of dreck with me so that she doesn't have to.

It was with Film Club that I saw Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance. Solomon Kane. Pandorum, Surrogates and Outlander. The execrable 10,000 BC. And, of course, Green Lantern. So it came as no surprise when Film Club called me up and said "right, for your birthday, we're taking you to see John Carter - on us!" How could I resist?

In case you haven't yet heard, John Carter has already been dubbed "one of the biggest flops in cinema history". It looks set to lose Disney $80+ million. Even Mark Kermode hated it... and Mark Kermode watches even more crap films than Film Club. In short, John Carter was going to be a stinker... what better way to celebrate my 40th?

So, OK, I've set this up nicely, just like an M Knight Shyamalan script. You're all ready for the twist...

The truth is: I didn't think John Carter was all that bad. Oh, it was no classic, but I've seen far worse films over the last 40 years, and far, far worse sci fi films. As cheesy, fx-laden romps go (yes, in 3-bloody-D, obviously) John Carter was still way more enjoyable than any of the films listed above, had far more heart than any of the Star Wars prequels, and was far less bursting with patronising bullshit than Avatar. It had a charismatic leading man, some cute and non-annoying aliens (certainly no Jar Jar Binks), hammy villainy from two decent British thesps who should know better (though both Mark Strong and Dominic West have previous form in the crap genre movies category with Green Lantern and Punisher: War Zone respectively). And, you know what? If it hadn't bombed worse than Hiroshima, I'd have happily let Film Club buy me a ticket to see the sequel they struggled so hard to set up (which now looks a forlorn hope). I really don't see what all the whinging is about. If audiences will happily plunk down their money to watch three dire Transformers films (and, yes, I saw all three with Film Club) then why did everyone have such a problem with John Carter? It was better than Cowboys Vs. Aliens...

Face For Radio

Too Much Sex & Violence #3 is almost upon us. To keep you going in the meantime, here's a little strip me and Chev put together last year for The Sorry Entertainer anthology. Click the image to read it full screen. Enjoy, pop-pickers!