Sabtu, 30 April 2011

Thor - I Say Thee 'Yay!'



Thor was always my least favourite of Marvel's original big gun characters when I was growing up. If the Marvel universe was full of man-in-the-street superheroes with feet of clay that its readership could relate to in a way we could never relate to an alien from Krypton or a millionaire playboy vigilante, Thor was always the odd one out. A God of Thunder? We didn't trip over too many of those on our way to the comic shop in Huddersfield.

I grew to appreciate Thor's adventures in later years through the work of Walt Simonson, and recently J. Michael Straczynski, but though my fingers were crossed - and I've always had the utmost respect for Ken Branagh - I still daren't hold out too much hope for Thor the movie. It just seemed like one of those concepts that wouldn't translate well to the cinema screen. When they cast a virtual unknown in the lead, my worries grew. Hopkins as Odin? I feared a thick slice of Brian Blessed-style ham. Natalie Portman? I say thee nay!

Then again, I have this theory that it's better to go into a comic book movie expecting the worst. And if I'd gone into Thor expecting Spider-Man II (the zenith of superhero films), I would have been disappointed. Slightly disappointed. As it was, I went in expecting Iron Man II (at best) or Ghost Rider (at worst)... and I came away more than satisfied.

Thor isn't perfect. The early Asgardian scenes are a little cold - and not just because of the Frost Giants - though they do soon become far more gripping and essential. The tonal shifts between Asgard and Earth could have been smoother. The Warriors Three were a little more cartoon than I'd have liked (and Volstagg should have been much bigger - not sure why they chose to cast The Punisher in that role, other than to add Ray Stevenson to the list of actors who've now played more than one Marvel character). But these are minor niggles compared to the things I was really worried about, most of which left me pleasantly surprised.

Chris Hemsworth was Thor. There was never any question. For an actor whose most famous role to date was as Captain Kirk's doomed dad, he's just acted his way into a career - and not just as an action movie hero. He more than held his own against both Hopkins (thankfully reigning in the ham and delivering a measured performance) and Tom Hiddleston's Loki (who otherwise would have stolen the movie). The real surprise for me though was Natalie Portman - in a key role, she is both the heart and the humanity of the film. Her best performance since Leon.

The fx were special, particularly Asgard and a more menacing Destroyer robot than even the one shown in the comics. Of course I saw Thor in 2D, the way movies were meant to be seen, so I can't even complain about the rubbish 3D other reviewers are carping about. Of the supporting cast, Idris Elba naturally shines as a wise and stoic Heimdall while Stellan SkarsgÄrd brings multi-layered class to Erik Selvig (particularly in the post-credits Avengers set-up). I've seen a number of people whinging about the "pointless" Jeremy Renner / Hawkeye cameo, but I loved it. It didn't stick out so much as to distract anyone unfamiliar with the character, but Clint Barton fans like me must surely have been cheering. The token Stan Lee appearance always raises a cheer, but though I also caught JMS as the first New Mexican trying to life Mjolnir from the rock, I missed rumoured cameos from Walt & Louise Simonson. Should have been paying more attention.

Geek stuff aside, Thor is fun popcorn nonsense that should impress regular audiences as well as comic book fans. I hope it does well, and that Marvel bring Branagh back for the sequel. First though, Captain America... and the Avengers.


Kamis, 28 April 2011

Top Ten Lightning Songs


If this be Thor's Day...!

(Well, it will be for me as we're going to see the movie tonight. In 2D, the way it's meant to be seen.)

Thor may well be the God of Thunder (hence last week's Top Ten Thunder Songs), but he's more often illustrated with lightning - thunder being hardly the most visual of elements.

And so... here's my Top Ten favourite Lightning Songs...




10. Tom McRae - I Ain't Scared Of Lightning

Arguably Tom McCrae's best album, his eponymous debutcloses with this short burst of defiance...

If they gave degrees for cheating destiny
Then man, I've got a first

9. Bruce Springsteen - Dry Lightning

Despite the fact that The Grapes of Wrathis one of my favourite novels, The Ghost Of Tom Joadisn't one of my favourite Springsteen albums. Lyrically, these stories are strong - musically, they're a little too sparse - yet without the devastating 4-track effect of Nebraska.Still, Dry Lightning remains an evocative piece of storytelling...

I'd drive down to Alvarado street
Where she danced to make ends meet
I'd spend the night over my gin
As she'd talk to her men


Well the piss yellow sun
Comes bringin' up the day
She said "ain't nobody gonna give nobody
What they really need anyway"

8. George Jones - White Lightning ( From The Best of George Jones)

Written by the Big Bopper, George Jones's version of White Lightning drew infamy from the 80 takes it took its inebriated singer to get it all down on tape. The story goes the session went on so long, the bass player's fingers began to bleed.

7. David Bowie - Lightning Frightening

From one Jones boy to another, this was a bonus track on my copy of The Man Who Sold The World, though it doesn't appear to have been included on more recent versions of that release. Shame.

6. John Travolta - Greased Lightnin' ( From Grease Original Soundtrack)

We'll get some purple French tail lights and thirty-inch fins, oh yeah
A palomino dashboard and duel muffler twins, oh yeah
With new pistons, plugs, and shocks, I can get off my rocks
You know that I ain't braggin', she's a real pussy wagon - greased lightnin'

I think he's referring to something like this...


5. The Flaming Lips - Lightning Strikes The Postman ( From Clouds Taste Metallic)

I got yer letter it had turned to sand,
Lighting strikes the postman in his hand,
I hope that you remember the things you had to say,
It's just a supernatural delay...

Well, that's just typical of the Royal Mail these days. Any excuse!

And it's hard to read the writing through the flames...

4. Auf Der Maur - Lightning Is My Girl ( From Auf Der Maur)

Ex-Hole axe-grinder Melissa Auf Der Maur made better music once she's kicked Courtney to the kerb...?

3. Arctic Monkeys - Crying Lightning ( From Humbug)

While the Flaming Lips are pestering the postman, the Monkeys get back to doing what they do best - aggravating the ice cream man. Featuring lewd Carry On style innuendo based around the contents of a Pick 'n' Mix bag... really, what else do you need?

2. Richard Thompson - 1952 Black Lightning ( From Action Packed - The Best Of The Capitol Years)

I already raved about this song when it made Number One on my Top Ten Songs About The 50s. Only that, and Bruce Willis, prevent it from taking top spot twice...



1. Lou Christie - Lightning Strikes Again ( From Lou Christie The Hits)

Had you worried for a second there, didn't I? Truth is though, it's down to Bruce Willis that I first came across this track, back when David Addison sang it - very briefly - in an old episode of Moonlighting. Bruce's version didn't do it justice, but it did convey a fraction of the sheer excitement contained within this Motown-meets-Frankie Valli style 60s stomper. If you've never heard it before, give yourself just three short minutes to fall in love...





OK, lightning has struck - will it strike twice? What did I miss?


If you've still not had enough Thor-shaped action, I'll be back shortly with my review (not tomorrow though as I'm going to a wedding), and in the meantime it's Thor Week over at Thoughtballoons... go check out my 1-page story. It's Thor Vs. Richard Dawkins... the battle we've all been waiting for!


Rabu, 27 April 2011

The Columbo Effect


Last week, Louise had an unpleasant train journey when a rather large man decided to squeeze himself into the seat next to her, forcing unpleasant bodily contact, odour and perspiration onto her till she reached her destination. Brave, stoic little hero that she is, Louise resisted the urge to scream in his face "get out of my personal space you utter, despicable scumbag!"... which proved a canny move when, later in the day, she arrived for a business lunch with clients only to find herself face-to-face with the very same man.

If Louise had been Larry David, of course, she would have told the man exactly where to go... and lived to face up to the repercussions later.


This reminded me of something similar that happens pretty frequently in our office... so frequently, in fact, we've given it a name. We call it The Columbo Effect. Throughout the day, a variety of reprobates, deadbeats, ne'er-do-wells, miscreants, degenerates, scoundrels, dick heads and sales people make their way through our workspace. We smile and nod and give them what they want - as much as it's in our power to do so - for as long as it takes to get them to go away and leave us alone... and then, as soon as they're gone, we do what all sane human beings do... we slag them off.

"What a complete f---ing idiot," must be one of the most overused phrases in our office.

(However, our slagging-off isn't confined merely to calling people complete f---ing idiots. Today, we discussed a serious moral dilemma... if we had a gun with just one bullet in the chamber, yet we were standing in a field with Colleague 1, Colleague 2 and Boss X standing in front of us... what would we do? In the end we decided to try and line them up, with Colleague 2 at the front because he's the biggest threat to truth and decency, and hope that the bullet had enough power to take out all three. At least if it didn't, it'd still do some serious damage to Boss X - who'd be in the middle - and even if it didn't kill Colleague 1 on the end, at least he'd get splattered with two lots of blood and brain from the backfire. But I digress...)

Anyway, this is where The Columbo Effect comes in. The Columbo Effect happens when Mr. or Mrs. A.N. Noyingcolleague leaves your workspace and the slagging-off commences...

...only for them to return, seconds later, with a prime slice of Peter Falk: "Just one more thing..."

At which point, everyone in the office pretends to be talking about something completely different. "Oh, I know - pink custard - whatever happened to pink custard?"

Beware The Columbo Effect. You don't deserve the consequences...



(I edited this post for swearing in an effort to see if my liberal use of the f-word is responsible for my blog occasionally being deemed Not Safe For Work by google. After all, it is a public service for office workers everywhere...)


Senin, 25 April 2011

A Good Friday In Cheshire


A Good Friday walk round Beeston Castle in Tarporley, West Cheshire took us further than we expected...


...so that by the time we actually reached the castle gates, we weren't quite up for a steep hike to the top. I know - lightweights!


We did get to enjoy some glorious countryside along the way though...


...and met a very spooky tree.


Maybe next time we'll get a little nearer to the castle itself.


Minggu, 24 April 2011

Department Of The Peculiar - Teaser #1



Teaser for a new comic I'm working on with art by Robert Wells.

More info to follow...


Jumat, 22 April 2011

Easter Meme


1. Tell us who was the last person you took a shower with.

Our shower isn't big enough for two people, so the answer to that question is nobody.

Although, there was this one time, at band camp...

2. Tell us about your favorite tee-shirt. Extra points if you show a pic. (We know. What can you do with freakin' extra points?)

Either this... (Available from here.)


(And no, that's not me modelling it. And mine is a lighter blue.)

Or this...


(Available from here.)

And no, I'm not on commission for those links.

3. Has anyone ever hit on you even though they knew you were taken?

I can't remember anyone ever hitting on me full stop. Hit me, yes...

4. Do you plan what to wear tomorrow?

Not usually.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Why?

OK. I just had some coffee.

Mmmmm, coffee.

6. What's the closest thing to you that's black?

My shirt.

7. Tell me about an interesting dream you remember having.

Last night I dreamt I was in a recording session with a celebrity voice (can't remember who it was) and we had one hour to record five scripts. It took about half an hour to record two, then, for some unknown dream reason, we took a 20 minute break. At which point the awful anxiety kicked in that no way would we be able to finish the rest of the scripts in the time we had left.

Have I mentioned I hate my job? Well so does my subconscious.

8. Did you or might you meet anybody new today?

Not if I can help it.

9. If you could be doing anything right now (or perhaps after you finish this ridiculous meme) what would it be?

Sitting out in the sunshine, reading a good book.

10. Can you think of a meme question that's never been asked?

Where have you hidden all the bodies?

11. What comes to mind when I say China?

Honestly? At risk of offending one fifth of the world's population, the very first thing that came to mind was this...



( From Bridge Of Spies)


Never underestimate the effect Carol Decker had on my adolescent brain.

12. Are you overly emotional?

No. No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

13. If you could listen to just one rock album (CD, vinyl or mp3) which one would you pick?

Oh, I'm sure I've answered this question before many times.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?

I'm a biter.

15. Do you like your car?

Not at the moment.

16. Do you like yourself?

More than most people do.

17. Would you go out to eat with Charlie Sheen?

Would he ask me?

18. What was the last song you listened to?

China In Your Hand! Do keep up.

19. Are (or were) your parents strict?

They didn't need to be. I had too much respect for them.

20. Have you ever wondered what attending a wild orgy (if only to watch or...) would be like?

Is there really anyone on the planet who hasn't ever wondered this? If so, I don't want to meet them. (Not to say that, having wondered it, I haven't decided it's not for me.)

21. I say cottage cheese. You say:

Yuck.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?

Another one I've answered before and can't be bothered to answer again. (The nicest was Nick Heyward.)

23. What was the last movie you watched at home?

Machete. Very disappointing.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?

No.

25. What countries have you visited?

Greece. France. Switzerland. Germany (very briefly). I think that's all so far.

26. Have you ever made a phone call while you were drunk that you've regretted? If yes, do tell.

I once mad several drunken calls to a girl I had been going out with - but wasn't any more. Fortunately I was able to delete them from her mobile before she ever heard them. (Which may seem rather sneaky and underhand of me - but it saved us both a load of embarrassment in the long run.)

27. Where were you going the last time you were on a train?

That London.

28. Bacon or sausage?

Bacon.

29. How long have you had a cell-phone?

15 years or so. And it's the same one.

30. What other memes do you do regularly?

I don't do any memes regularly. After I've done them once, why would I do them again?

31. Who is the craziest meme host?

Whutchutalkinabout, Willis?

I suppose this is the place where I'm supposed to link back to Sunday Stealing, where I stole this particular meme from in the first place.

32. Who invented chop sticks?

What am I, wikipedia?

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?

Louise. And the cats.

34. Are you too forgiving?

Probably.

35. When was the last time you were in love?

I still am.

36. Tell us about your best friend.

That would be Louise.

37. What was the stupidest thing you learned in high school?

Most of what I learned in high school was pretty stupid. I only wish I'd learned not to pursue a career in radio.

38. What was the last thing you cried about?

A post I've written for The Vinyl Villain which will probably go live next week. I'll try and remember to link to it then.

39. What was the last question you asked?

Why?

40. Favorite thing to do this time of the year?

Eat chocolate eggs and not go to work.

41. If you had to get a tattoo, what would it be?


42. How would your best friend describe you?

It'd all depend on how much I'd pissed her off that day...

43. Have you ever seen all three Twilight films?

I saw the first half of the first one and that was more than enough.

44. Ever walked into a glass door?

Probably. That sounds like the sort of doofus thing I'd do.

45. Favorite colour on that person you are attracted to?

Aquamarine.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?

No.

47. What hair style (for you) would you like to see return?

The one I'm sporting.

48. What was the last CD you bought?

The Ugly People Vs The Beautiful People

49. Do looks matter to you?

Sometimes.

50. Could you ever forgive a liar?

I'd try.

51. What's the hardest bill to pay every month?

The mortgage, I guess, it being the largest.

The one I most resent paying is petrol - fuel prices being so bloody extortionate at the moment.

52. Do you like your life right now?

It could be better.

Could be a whole lot worse too.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?

TV, no. Radio, yes.

54. Can you handle the truth?

Of course not, Jack.

55. Do you have good vision?

I've never needed glasses.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?

Have we met?
57. How often do you talk on the phone?

As infrequently as I can manage.

58. What celeb would you like to come home to?

I wouldn't want a celebrity in my home. They're not housebroken, any of them.

59. What are you wearing?

A shirt and trousers.

60. What is your favorite wild animal?

The snow leopard.

61. Where was your facebook picture taken?

It wasn't. It was drawn. By Nige.

It's the cover to PJANG #5.

62. Can you waltz?

I'm more of a cha cha cha man.

63. Do you have a job?

Are you employed, sir?

Employed?

You don't go out looking for a job dressed like that? On a weekday?

Is this a... what day is this?

64. What was the most recent thing you stole?

Louise's heart.

(OK, you can stop laughing now.)

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?

Many times. I am Spider-Man, after all...


Rabu, 20 April 2011

My Top Ten Thunder Songs


So the THOR movie is almost upon us and appears to be getting halfway decent reviews too. Good old Kenneth Branagh, eh? I won't be seeing it for a while, but in honour of the God of Thunder, what better than a Top Ten Thunder songs?

If you're really good, we'll do lightning next week.


Special mentions go to Thunder, Thunderthighs, Thunderclap Newman... and (thanks to Rob), Thor himself... with Thunder On The Tundra! (Nice hammer.)



10. Kiss - God Of Thunder ( From Greatest Hits)

The most appropriate record on the list, if not the best, though Kiss seem to be confusing Thor with Elvis... he's not just the God of Thunder, he's also the God of Rock 'n' Roll. And a very naughty boy too, no doubt.

9. Leo Sayer - Thunder In My Heart ( From The Show Must Go On: The Very Best Of Leo Sayer)

Man, that is one serious 'do, Leo.

I can't help but think of Kenny Everett while watching this video.

8.Alphabeat - 10,000 Nights Of Thunder ( From This is Alphabeat)

I know absolutely zilch about Alphabeat, but this record found its way onto my radar a couple of years back and it's not an unpleasant way to spend 3 minutes and 30 seconds.

This is the first time I've ever seen the video though... and if I didn't know better, I'd swear the (male) lead singer was a young Chris Morris.

7. John Cougar Mellencamp - Thundering Hearts ( From American Fool)

Back when he was just a Cougar, JM took a motorcycle ride through the valley of the Thundering Hearts, and this was the result.

Louise recently bought Guitar Hero for her wii. Yes, we've jumped on board the Guitar Hero craze just as everybody else jumped off it (or maybe not). Anyway, one of our favourite songs to play, from Guitar Hero 5, is JCM's Hurts So Good. Just in case you were wondering.

6. The Kinks - Johnny Thunder

From my favourite Kinks album, The Village Green Preservation Society, the songs takes its name from the same DC Comics character that also christened the late New Yorks Dolls guitarist.


5. Tina Turner - We Don't Need Another Hero (Thunderdome) ( From All The Best)

From the movie Mad Max 3 - Beyond Thunderdome (1985) [DVD] - now there's a killer idea... Thor vs. Max Rockatansky. (Not in 3D.) C'mon, Hollywood - make it happen!

4. ACDC - Thunderstruck ( From The Razor's Edge)

Featured in the soundtrack to Iron Man 2(although the soundtrack to Iron Man 2 was pretty much a crass exercise at shifting a Greatest Hits album for a band that never does Greatest Hits albums).

Still worth getting your old school uniform on for...

3. Tom Jones - Thunderball ( From Best of Bond...James Bond)

Another soundtrack favourite. Tom Jones allegedly fainted while singing the last line in the recording studio, so much thunder did he put into his performance. Big girl's blouse.

2. Prince - Thunder

Here's a story I might have told before.

Thunder is the opening track to the album Diamonds And Pearls. I remember buying the CD as soon as it came out and rushing home to listen to it. Realising I had to work that night, I decided to copy the CD onto cassette to listen to in my car on the way (this was 1991, so forgive me for not having an in-car CD player). To make sure the album filled the cassette, I programmed the CD player to repeat-play then left it recording while I went to have my tea. I returned, picked up the cassette, and set off to work. Thunder was a great opening track and I was really enjoying it... but, boy, did it go on. I was halfway to work before I started to get a little bored of it - how long was this track anyway? Was track 2 ever going to begin?

No. It wasn't. Because rather than repeat-play the whole album, I'd set the cassette to record repeat-play just track 1... and filled an entire C90 with it. A great song then... but perhaps not one you want to hear for an hour and a half solid.

1. Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road ( From Born To Run)

There is a constant debate going on in my head about which is my favourite Bruce Springsteen song. This is always one of the top contenders, and therefore has a pretty good chance of getting into my Top Ten Favourite Songs of ALL TIME.

The screen door slams
Mary's dress waves
Like a vision she dances across the porch
As the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey that's me and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again



Do you have thunder in your heart? What song's it playing?

(Attention, Thor-fans, I reviewed Thor Visionaries Walt Simonson Volume 1 over at Comics On The Ration last week. Go there and say hi to Rob.)


Senin, 18 April 2011

I Am Electro!



For months now, I've been afraid to shut my car door. Not when I'm inside, shutting it from the inside is fine because it's got a nice plastic handle that I can pull closed with no harm to my person.

Shutting it from the outside though, that's quite a different matter. Because when I do... sparks fly. Touching the metal door after I've been driving causes me a shock. It's not a problem with the car's electrics, it's a problem with me... and static electricity. It happens at various other times throughout the day - I get static electric shocks from coat hooks, tables, even... Louise! But it's worst when I get out of the car. So I had to take action.

Someone suggested buying one of those anti-static strips that hang down from the rear of your car and drag along the road behind you - the ones with a lightning bolt design you used to see on just about every car when I was a kid. My mum always told me these were to help people with car sickness. ("Do you remember your friend Liam? He used to get car sick all the time." Vague, blurry memories of Liam at the side of the road with a paper bag... there's nothing wrong with Mum's long term memory.) Apparently there's a theory that car sickness is caused by the build up of static electricity in the atmosphere or something...

Well, that's as maybe. And maybe those strips do help people with car sickness. But do they help prevent my electrocution? Let's find out, shall we...?

Yeoooooowchh!

That'll be a 'no' then.

Anyone else got any bright ideas?


Jumat, 15 April 2011

Source Code



Sgt. Colter Stevens has just 8 minutes to discover who bombed a Chicago passenger train in order to help prevent future attacks. In theory, he gets as many shots at the eight minutes as he needs. Though like all the best time travel adventures, time is running out...

Equal parts Quantum Leap, Groundhog Day and Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, Duncan Jones's Source Code is my favourite film of the year so far. It manages to mix against-the-clock thriller with psychological mystery, plus also finds time for a very sweet romantic subplot. Like Jones's previous film, Moon, the less you know going in, the more you'll enjoy it. It has been the subject of much post-film debate in our office, though I will argue in defence of the majority of the time travel logic at work here (despite unreliable narrator Jeffrey Wright's dogged insistence that it isn't time travel) and the unexpectedly upbeat ending. Both worked for me, making this a movie experience that was equally thought-provoking, surprising and heart-warming.

Beyond the complex storyline and edge-of-your seat pace, the cast was perfect. Jake Gyllenhaal has floundered somewhat recently (Prince of Persia?) but this was as confident a stab at leading man as he's yet delivered - made me think of the first time I saw Matt Damon play Bourne... which is interesting as Gyllenhaal is rumoured to be pencilled in as Damon's replacement in that franchise. He was supported by two of the most naturally beautiful actresses currently working in Hollywood - Michelle Monaghan and Vera Farmiga, both providing warm and emotive turns. And then there's Jeffrey Wright, doing his very best 'creepy Orson Welles' impersonation in a role that's sure to gain him more attention. The first film this year that I've wanted to go right back in and watch again from the beginning, and a must-add to my DVD collection when that time comes.


Kamis, 14 April 2011

Top Ten Club Songs


For those of you frightened that I'm about to unveil my staggering lack of knowledge / interest in dance culture... quiver ye not. No banging club anthems here. As Groucho Marx put it, "I don't care to belong to any club that would have me as a member". Chances are none of these would, but I'm filing my application as we speak...



10. The Beatles - Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club (Band) ( From Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band)

I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't. Bored with the Beatles I may be, but there's no denying this record was important and contained some of their finest moments - notably She's Leaving Home and A Day In The Life. I always thought the title track was self-consciously kitsch though...

9. Arctic Monkeys - Ravey Ravey Ravey Club

One of the earliest Monkeys songs, never officially released (I don't think) though they did give it away online, along with much of their early material, to help build their reputation. You know, back when tricks like that actually worked.

8. B52's - Deadbeat Club ( From Funplex)

From their 2008 album, in which the B52s came back after 16 years without releasing a new record... sounding like they'd never been away.

We're wild girls walkin' down the street
Wild girls and boys going out for a big time
We're the deadbeat club

See, I consider myself something of a deadbeat, yet nobody's ever called me a wild boy. Some contradiction going on there, Fred...

7. Little Man Tate - The Self Appreciation Club

Little Man Tate sprung up in the wake of the Arctic Monkeys success, another Sheffield band who traded in witty observational lyrics and twanging guitars. Success never really came their way though and a lot of critics unjustly labelled them Monkeys wannabes. This song, released towards the end of their career, responded thus...

And I know that it must be great
To have a friend in a higher place
But suddenly someone forgets your name
And we're another band that sound the same
And everybody's searching for the next big thing
Then they laugh and they point as they stare at them sing
Nothing worse than to just criticise
With a tongue in your cheek and a mouth full of lies


Their tongues are shaped like razorblades
You're not welcome in this place
Don't you ever show your face
Oh now listen, son, remember
You will never be a member of the...
Self-Appreciation Club.

To show my appreciation, I purposely placed them higher than the Monkeys in this list. Let them win just once...

6. Edward Ball - The Mill Hill Self-Hate Club ( From Catholic Guilt)

From Self-Appreciation to Self-Hate... two sides of the same coin?

Former member of both The Television Personalities and The Times, Edward Ball went solo in the late 80s and scored his biggest "hit" with this poppy little number sometime around the height of Britpop.

5. Wham! - Club Tropicana ( From The Best of Wham!)

Say what you like about George Michael...

OK, you can stop now.

No, really...

SHUT UP!

Anyway, Wham! were a great pop band, no arguments. Besides, at Club Tropicana, the drinks are free...

4. The Scaremongers - Grouse Beaters Boys' Club ( From Born In A Barn)

Because I haven't mentioned Simon Armitage enough this week.

3. The Dust Brothers - This Is Your Life (Theme From Fight Club) ( From Fight Club (Music from Dust Brothers))

This is your life
And its ending one minute at a time

You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake
You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else
We are all a part of the same compost heap
We are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world

You are not your bank account
You are not the clothes you wear
You are not the contents of your wallet
You are not your bowel cancer
You are not your grande latte
You are not the car you drive
You are not your fucking khakis

You have to give up

Welcome to Fight Club... if this is your first night... you have to fight.

2. Babybird - Failed Suicide Club ( From last year's excellent album Ex-Maniac)

Easy enough instructions to follow...

Step one, don’t kill yourself
Step two, don’t do yourself in
Step three, don’t play with knives
Step four, don’t trust anyone


When you’re kicked around and knocked down
And you’ve got nothing left to give
And you can’t breathe, and you can’t hear yourself think
Climb up on your box, take the rope down from the beam
Baby wake up, it’s not a dream


Yes you’ve made it, you’re here
At the failed suicide club
Sitting in a circle, crying…

I can't help but be reminded of Queen's similarly helpful ditty Don't Try Suicide ( from The Game) with its equally didactic refrain...

Don't try suicide
Nobody's worth it
Don't try suicide
Nobody cares
Don't try suicide
You're just gonna hate it
Don't try suicide
Nobody gives a damn

But enough of that. I'm saving them both for the inevitable Top Ten Suicide Songs... possibly the last Top Ten I ever write.

1. John Grant - Silver Platter Club ( from Queen Of Denmark)

If I could redo my Top Ten Albums of 2010, Queen of Denmark would have bumped Eels out of the Top Five.

I wish that I was good at football, baseball and lacrosse
Darts and basketball, and poker, golf and chess


I wish that confidence was all you could see in my eyes
Like those interviews in locker rooms with talented sports guys


I wish I had no self-awareness like the guys I know
Float right through their lives without a thought


And that I didn't give a shit what anybody thought of me
That I was so relaxed you'd think that I was bored


I'm sorry that they didn't hand it to me
On a silver platter, like they did to you
I'm sorry that I wasn't able to become
The man you think I should aspire to




And... because it's bound to come up in the comments... here are ten other clubs I'd have no objection to joining...

10. Two Door Cinema Club ( Tourist History)
9. Timex Social Club
8. Bombay Bicycle Club ( I Had The Blues But I Shook Them Loose)
7. Hot Club De Paris ( Drop It Till It Pops)
6. American Music Club ( Mercury)
5. Tom Tom Club ( Tom Tom Club)
4. The Cammell Laird Social Club ( Cammell Laird Social Club)
3. The Black Rebel Motorcycle Club ( B.R.M.C.)
2. Slow Club ( YEAH, SO?)
1. Teenage Fanclub ( Songs From Northern Britain)

Sorry, no room for Culture Club or S Club. Their name wasn't down, they're not getting in.

Which club would you pay to be part of?


 

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