Having recently watched the movie F on DVD, I'm now even more afraid of scary hoody-wearing young people than ever. As with Eden Lake and French horror Them ('Ils'), it transforms the beastly little oiks you see spitting and swearing on your local street corner into murderous horror film monsters. Now I don't want to go all Mail On Sunday on you and call this a mirror reflecting our society (after all, older generations have been screaming that "the kids are out of control" ever since Adam fathered Cain and Abel), though when you hear about children taking guns into school, knife attacks and junior gang warfare, you can't help but shudder. I prefer to think that, like many good horror films, F merely reflects our society back at us through a cracked mirror darkly. But maybe I'm just looking on the bright side again (you know me!)...
Anyway, I'd recommend F as a cool little urban horror that refuses to take the easier plot paths, shows admirable restraint in terms of violence, and features a stand out performance from David Schofield as the teacher under siege. Cool ending too.
It also inspired this top ten, which needs no further introduction...
10. Morrissey - The Teachers Are Afraid Of The Pupils
Back in the days of The Smiths, Morrissey sang about being terrorised by the "belligerent ghouls" who ran Manchester school. "Spineless swines, demented minds." By the time he hit middle age, he'd grown to see things from the other side of the classroom...
So you stand by the board
Full of fear and intention
And, if you think that they're listening
Well, you've got to be joking
Mucus on your collar
A nail up through the staff chair
A blade in your soap
And you cry into your pillow
To be finished would be a relief
Being Morrissey, of course, he can't help but blame the parents too...
Say the wrong word to our children ...
We'll have you, oh yes, we'll have you
Lay a hand on our children
And it's never too late to have you
9. Carter USM - The Young Offender's Mum
All God's children snatch a handbag
Spot the ball and mash the granddad
Choose the pictures on the news
Count the stitches on the bruise
Lock your sons up with your daughters
Stay at home, don't drink the water
Carter, on the other hand, do find some sympathy for the parents...
Don't lose your temper
In the shopping centre, son
Just remember
The young offender's mum
8. Dan Le Sac Versus Scroobius Pip - Great Britain
Leave it to Scroobius Pip to deliver a more level-head appraisal of the situation...
See sometimes Britain ain't that great
Kids getting stabbed at an alarming rate
Press with a passion to exaggerate
Increasingly clueless heads of state
He even tries to come up with a few of his own solutions. Listen to the song to find out more.
7. Mikrofisch - The Kids Are All Shite
Ah, but now we're getting to the heart of the matter. What's wrong with kids today? It's all down to the music they listen to, reckon Mikrofisch...
Coldplay, Keane and Kaiser Chiefs
Kasabian, Jet and Razorlight
Kings of Leon, Dead 60s...
The kids are all shite!
There's a slight flaw with their argument though. I reckon most of the artists listed above are predominantly listened to by 30+ blokes. (I don't mind the Dead 60s or early Kaisers.) Most kids these days wouldn't be seen dead with a Coldplay CD. I doubt most of them even know what a CD is.
6. My Chemical Romance - Teenagers
Or, if they're a little bit emo, they might be listening to My Chemical Romance... even though those same unruly teenagers scare the shit out of Gerard Way...
5. Ian Dury & The Blockheads - Rough Kids
In case you're thinking Rough Kids are a 21st Century phenomenon, here's Ian Dury whinging about them from back in the late 70s... when I was a rough kid me'sen. I hope I wasn't responsible for this song.
Rough kids play rough games and kick tin cans
Leave their feet out in the aisle
Rough kids have bother and make nuisance
They climb on someone else's fence
Rough kids give m-m-m-m-m-mama no obedience
You know, you know, they've got no sense
4. Elbow - Lippy Kids
Introducing Lippy Kids on their recent tour, Guy Garvey explained that while he does sometimes find himself intimidated by the kids on the corner of his street, he wouldn't want to send them home. Hanging around with his mates at that age was a big part of his development, and led towards him being the man he is today. Somehow, nice Guy that Garvey is, I doubt he's the sort to ever terrorise an old lady... and he never perfected that simian stroll. The Garvey gang spent all their time building rockets.
3. Jarvis Cocker - Fat Children
In which Jarvis gets mugged and murdered by a bunch of flabby delinquents... then comes back to haunt them.
Oh, the parents are the problem
Giving birth to maggots without the sense to become flies
2. Frank Turner - Thatcher Fucked The Kids
Which brings us to Frank Turner... and, man, is he angry.
Whatever happened to childhood?
We're all scared of the kids in our neighbourhood
They're not small, charming and harmless
They're a violent bunch of bastard little shits.
Don't mince your words there, Frank, will you?
And anyone who looks younger than me
Makes me check for my wallet, my phone and my keys,
And I'm tired of being tired out
Always being on the lookout for thieving gits.
But, Frank, who could be responsible for this terrible state of affairs...?
So all the kids are bastards,
But don't blame them, yeah, they learn by example.
Blame the folks who sold the future for the highest bid:
That's right, Thatcher fucked the kids.
And if you don't believe him, listen to the full song for more of his argument...
1. The Indelicates - We Hate The Kids
Long time readers of this blog will not be surprised to see this at number one. It is my favourite single of the 21st Century after all. Just press play.
Oh yeah, we mean it...
So... do you hate the kids? Or blame the parents?
(And can I respond with a Top Ten Songs About Horrible Old People? I can only think of a couple so far...)
