Senin, 28 Februari 2011

Never Let Me Go




I was torn over whether I wanted to see this film. On the one hand it features Keira Knightley (ugh). On the other, Carey Mulligan, who has yet to annoy me. On the third, Andrew Garfield, the Man Who Will Be Spider. And on the fourth hand, it's adapted from a novel by Kazuo Ishiguro who wrote Remains Of The Day, one of the most emotionally affecting films I've ever seen. Actually, that's three hands to one in favour. Louise didn't even need to cast the deciding vote. Good job, as it only takes one of Louise's hands to beat any number of mine. Never take her on in an arm wrestle.

Anyway, I'm glad we saw it at the cinema. It's a moving love story with a nice speculative twist. If you don't know, I won't tell you - but I was pleased by the way the script at no point actually uses the c-word to describe the characters in question. No, not that c-word. The screenplay credits its audience with half a brain. Not surprising as it was adapted by Alex Garland of The Beach and 28 Days Later.

There's a good reason to see this film even if you don't like Keira Knightley... you're not supposed to like her. She's the other woman, a selfish and spiteful creature who comes between our lovers and prevents them from living the life they should have lived. Of course she comes good in the end, albeit too late to make much difference. And she does ACT a little too much, as though someone's told her she might be in with a shot at an Oscar because the script requires her to "do illness". (Surprisingly, Never Let Me Go doesn't appear to have troubled Oscar at all. Which is a shame.) Mulligan is good value, and Spider-Boy shows great promise. (Let's hope he got the c-word out of his system though, we can do without any of those buggers cropping up in any future Spidey films.) Louise was in tears at the end, though I remained strangely unmoved. It's usually the other way round. I sobbed my heart out at the end of The A-Team. But I'm just an old softie...


Minggu, 27 Februari 2011

THE 83RD ACADEMY AWARDS RESULTS



AND HERE ARE THE WINNERS :

1) BEST PICTURE

- 127 HOURS
- BLACK SWAN
- THE FIGHTER
- INCEPTION
- THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT
- THE KING'S SPEECH
- THE SOCIAL NETWORK
- TOY STORY 3
- TRUE GRIT
- WINTER'S BONE

2) BEST DIRECTOR

- DARREN ARONOFSKY (BLACK SWAN)
- ETHAN & JOEL COEN (TRUE GRIT)
- DAVID FINCHER (THE SOCIAL NETWORK)
- TOM HOOPER (THE KING'S SPEECH)
- DAVID O. RUSSELL (THE FIGHTER)

3) BEST ACTOR

- JAVIER BARDEM (BIUTIFUL)
- JEFF BRIDGES (TRUE GRIT)
- JESSE EISENBERG (THE SOCIAL NETWORK)
- COLIN FIRTH (THE KING'S SPEECH)
- JAMES FRANCO (127 HOURS)

4) BEST ACTRESS

- ANNETTE BENING (THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT)
- NICOLE KIDMAN (RABBIT HOLE)
- JENNIFER LAWRENCE (WINTER'S BONE)
- NATALIE PORTMAN (BLACK SWAN)
- MICHELLE WILLIAMS (BLUE VALENTINE)

5) BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

- CHRISTIAN BALE (THE FIGHTER)
- JOHN HAWKES (WINTER'S BONE)
- JEREMY RENNER (THE TOWN)
- MARK RUFALLO (THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT)
- GEOFFREY RUSH (THE KING'S SPEECH)

6) BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

- AMY ADAMS (THE FIGHTER)
- HELENA BONHAM CARTER (THE KING'S SPEECH)
- MELISSA LEO (THE FIGHTER)
- HAILEE STEINFELD (TRUE GRIT)
- JACKI WEAVER (ANIMAL KINGDOM)

7) BEST WRITING - ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

- ANOTHER YEAR (MIKE LEIGH)
- THE FIGHTER (SCOTT SILVER, PAUL TAMASY & ERIC JOHNSON)
- INCEPTION (CHRISTOPHER NOLAN)
- THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT (LISA CHOLODENKO & STUART BLUMBERG)
- THE KING'S SPEECH (DAVID SEIDLER)
8) BEST WRITING - ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

- 127 HOURS (DANNY BOYLE & SIMON BEAUFOY)
- THE SOCIAL NETWORK (AARON SORKIN)
- TOY STORY 3 (MICHAEL ARNDT, JOHN LASSETER, ANDREW STANTON & LEE UNKRICH)
- TRUE GRIT (ETHAN COEN & JOEL COEN)
- WINTER'S BONE (DEBRA GRANIK & ANNE ROSELLINI)

9) BEST ANIMATED FEATURE

- HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON
- THE ILLUSIONIST
- TOY STORY 3

10) BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

- BIUTIFUL (MEXICO)
- DOGTOOTH (GREECE)
- IN A BETTER WORLD (DENMARK)- INCENDIES (CANADA)
- OUTSIDE THE LAW (ALGERIA)

11) BEST DOCUMENTARY - FEATURE

- EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP
- GASLAND
- INSIDE JOB- RESTREPO
- WASTE LAND

12) BEST DOCUMENTARY - SHORT SUBJECT

- KILLING IN THE NAME
- POSTER GIRL
- STRANGERS NO MORE
- SUN COME UP
- THE WARRIORS OF QIUGANG

13) BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM

- THE CONFESSION
- THE CRUSH
- GOD OF LOVE- NA WEWE
- WISH 143
14) BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM

- DAY & NIGHT
- THE GRUFFALO
- LET'S POLLUTE
- THE LOST THING- MADAGASCAR, A JOURNEY DIARY

15) BEST ORIGINAL SCORE

- 127 HOURS (A.R. RAHMAN)
- HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON (JOHN POWELL)
- INCEPTION (HANS ZIMMER)
- THE KING'S SPEECH (ALEXANDRE DESPLAT)
- THE SOCIAL NETWORK (TRENT REZNOR & ATTICUS ROSS)

16) BEST ORIGINAL SONG

- "COMING HOME" (COUNTRY SONG)
- "I SEE THE LIGHT" (TANGLED)
- "IF I RISE" (127 HOURS)
- "WE BELONG TOGETHER" (TOY STORY 3)
17) BEST SOUND EDITING

- INCEPTION
- TOY STORY 3
- TRON: LEGACY
- TRUE GRIT
- UNSTOPPABLE

18) BEST SOUND MIXING

- INCEPTION
- THE KING'S SPEECH
- SALT
- THE SOCIAL NETWORK
- TRUE GRIT

19) BEST ART DIRECTION

- ALICE IN WONDERLAND
- HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOW: PART 1
- INCEPTION
- THE KING'S SPEECH
- TRUE GRIT

20) BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY

- BLACK SWAN
- INCEPTION- THE SOCIAL NETWORK
- THE KING'S SPEECH
- TRUE GRIT

21) BEST MAKE UP

- BARNEY'S VERSION
- THE WAY BACK
- THE WOLFMAN

22) BEST COSTUME DESIGN

- ALICE IN WONDERLAND- I AM LOVE
- THE KING'S SPEECH
- THE TEMPEST
- TRUE GRIT

23) BEST FILM EDITING

- 127 HOURS
- BLACK SWAN
- THE FIGHTER
- THE KING'S SPEECH
- THE SOCIAL NETWORK

24) BEST VISUAL EFFECT

- ALICE IN WONDERLAND
- HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOW: PART 1
- HEREAFTER
- INCEPTION
- IRON MAN 2

There's Always Someone Cooler Than You


So on Saturday night me and Dave spent £25 each on a pair of tickets to see Craig talk to his girlfriend, live at the Sheffield Academy. Craig's a particularly talented young performance artist, able to hold a pint of beer in each hand while telling hilarious stories about all the amazing things that have happened to him on Facebook (Yes... On. Facebook.)

On Saturday though, Craig found himself having to compete with a fucking musician - Ben Folds, you might have heard of him, some American piano playing geek - and his band, who'd taken it upon themselves to pitch up at the same venue and start playing songs on the stage while Craig was telling his hilarious Facebook stories. As a result, Craig had to shout to be heard over the top of this inconsiderate yank and many of Craig's audience didn't catch the subtle nuances of his drunken ramble profound storytelling.

Dave and I were lucky though, we'd found the best place in the house - Craig and his insipid girlfriend were standing right behind us! That's like front row seats - and we didn't have to pay any extra! Unfortunately, as the show progressed, Dave decided he'd rather listen to Ben Folds sing his witty, heartfelt songs than Craig go on and on about how he refused to accept Trevor's Friend Request, so we had to move away from the performance area and closer to the stage where Folds was giving it his all, Jerry Lee Lewising the piano for all his worth, making up songs on the spot from lyrics given to him by members of the audience, covering The Divine Comedy and Kansas (though not, sadly, playing Belinda or Doc Pomus) and generally being one of the most energetic, passionate and creative live acts you'll ever see...

...but still not a patch on Facebook Craig.





Kamis, 24 Februari 2011

Friday Flash - Chartsengrafs - Rol Hirst


This week has been hectic. Finished off the proofreading on my novel, but had very little time to write anything new (except for a one page Powerman & Iron Fist script for Thoughtballoons).

The blog has suffered - I haven't managed a new post since Tuesday's Top Ten Songs About The 80s. Sorry if you missed me. But at least I haven't left you with a #fridayflash story... here's one from the golden days of Elephant Words. It was better than I remembered it.

(Thanks to Grandaddy for the title.)





Chartsengrafs


Trevor always said he didn’t believe in luck. Good things don’t happen because fate decrees them, they happen because you work hard to make them happen. Because you believe in yourself, and your own ability to succeed. He regularly quoted Theodore Herzl to anyone within earshot, and later, Jean-Luc Picard. After a while, the two intermingled. “If you will it… you can make it so.” Trevor wasn’t any more Jewish than he was a 24th century starship captain. He just had a thing for what he called “inspirationals”.

Theodore Herzl died of a heart attack aged 44.

Twenty-seven years I’ve worked in this office. Twenty-five of them in the desk right next to Trevor. He was nineteen when he first arrived at Selly-Sales; me, I’d just turned twenty-five. I still remember his first day. Getting that flaming Life Chart thing out of his briefcase, blu-tacking it on the wall above his word-processor, snapping his fingers, “Let’s go!”

I have to admit, I laughed at him. I mean, that bloody list… it had his whole life planned out! By 21: BMW 3 series. By 23: wearing Armani’s and Versace’s to work. By 25: three bed semi. By 30: Porsche. Married by 29, first kid by 32, second by 35. Before his 40th, a chalet in Provence. Of course, he updated and upgraded as time went by. The semi became a waterside loft apartment; the Porsche: a 911; the second kid: twins (that update, after the fact). But not once did he scale down his expectations, and not once did he fail to achieve his goals.

At 50, Gianni Versace was shot dead on the steps of his Florida mansion.

Three weeks after his wedding to the former Miss Blackpool, Trevor became Sales Manager and they set him up in that big office overlooking the river. He hardly ever went in there. Kept his old desk on the sales floor, right next to mine. Wanted to stay in the thick of it, he said, where the action was. You ask me, he wanted to keep us all looking at that blasted Life Chart. All his ticked off successes, all his unstoppable aspirations. By now he’d taken to attaching little pictures of the things he wanted, after reading that book on visualisation and harnessing the power of positive thinking… whatever.

There was the vintage Fender Strat, torn from the pages of Total Guitar. If he was going to learn, better to do it on a classic.

There was that photo of him dressed in the Steve Irwin shorts, standing with his kids in front of the lion’s enclosure at Chessington World of Adventure. Not long after, he booked a safari in the Kruger National Park, and ordered another five pairs of those shorts from Millets.

Steve Irwin lost his life to a stingray, a few months shy of 45.

Then one day, there was the pier.

“It’s a little jetty off the Isle of Skye… I found the image online while I was researching something for Culbertson McQuarrie,” (our biggest client), “just fell in love with it instantly. So peaceful, so beautiful, so serene… Trudi and I are booked into a hotel up there in the autumn, we’re gonna find that pier, get up nice and early and watch the sun rise. Breathe in the stillness, get back to…” I’d already stopped listening. Over the years, I’d learnt to tune Trevor out. For my sanity. His jokes, his catchphrases, his bloody “inspirationals”…

“We’ll have a Moet et Chandon, please, waiter… do you keep it in a pretty cabinet?”

“Suck in that gut, soldier – there’s targets to hit!”

“If you will it… you can make it so.”

That photo though, I just couldn’t tune that out. Whenever Trevor was out meeting clients (always parking his car round the corner from their premises so they wouldn’t know just how much he was taking them for), I’d sit and fixate on that pier, and wonder just where I’d gone wrong. My own Audi (A4) is five years old; I can’t afford to upgrade. I’m over-extended on the mortgage. This year, Brenda and I managed two weeks in Portugal; we argued the whole time, and the kids had dodgy tummies. I badly needed some serenity in my life, and that photo… the wind stirring the waters, the cloud quilted mountains, the wasting afternoon sunlight… that photo became my escape pod. I could jack it all in tomorrow, or maybe not tomorrow, but as soon as the kids left home; I could jack it in and buy myself a B&B somewhere tranquil and remote like there… no, not somewhere like there. There. Right there. Get up nice and early and watch the sun rise. Breathe in the stillness, get back to…

Late October, when Trevor returned from his holiday, two things had happened. One, he’d cut his hair like Steve McQueen. (Don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t look anything like Steve McQueen. But he looks more like Steve McQueen than you or I do.) Two, he’d put in an offer on an old fisherman’s cottage situated right on that harbour in Skye. Now he could fly up there any time he felt like it. Only 90 minutes to Inverness on a Friday afternoon. He’d let me rent it if I wanted, £350 all in.

Steve McQueen died of liver cancer in Mexico, the same age as Versace.

Trevor’s going up there again this weekend. So am I. His Life Chart’s all clear right now. Everything’s ticked off. I’m sure he’ll be adding something else soon. If he gets the chance.


Selasa, 22 Februari 2011

Top Ten Songs About The 80s


So we jived through the 50s...

We couldn't remember the 60s...

We were born in the 70s (well, I was, anyway)...

Which brings us to the most maligned decade of the latter half of the 20th Century. Quite unfairly, if you ask me. The 80s were ace. They gave us Jet Set Willy, The A-Team, Back To The Future, The Queen Is Dead, Frank Miller's Daredevil, Rubix Cube, Born In The USA and Tunnel Of Love, Moonlighting, John Byrne's Fantastic Four, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Total Eclipse Of The Heart... and all they asked in return was our souls. Sounds like a perfectly fair trade to me.



Anyway, as usual, this isn't a list of Best Songs FROM The 80s... just Best Songs ABOUT the 80s. Don't make me have to explain that to you again.


10. David Bowie - 1984 / Eurythmics - Sex Crime (1984) / Tina Turner - 1984

Having said that, let's start with three songs that were actually recorded in the devilish decade, each dealing with the year George Orwell predicted fascism would run rampant. In reality, we had Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan... phew, lucky escape there, eh, George?

9. John Mayer - 83

Apparently we're all supposed to hate John Mayer because he's a precocious pretty-boy who's had his hands (and, no doubt, other bodily parts) all over Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston and a dozen other Hollywood bimboids. Ah, good on him. I'm not jealous. (If he ever goes near Kate Winslet though, I'm calling him out.) Anyway, this is probably the best song he's ever recorded, from early in his career, before he went all rockstar cliché.

8. Kid Rock - All Summer Long (1989)

Ah, but if it's rockstar cliché you're after, look no further than Kid Rock, bringing the obscenity of his expense account to this video with speedboats, tattoos and pretty girls. Not a bad tune though, despite the fact that he owes most of it to Warren Zevon and Lynyrd Skynyrd. At least he's not afraid to own up to the thievery...

7. Randy Travis - 1982

A more respectable face of American Mid-West musicianship, Randy Travis arrived on the scene in 1985 when Marty McFly was just beginning to travel in time. Here Randy's experimenting with a little cross-chronal communication of his own, calling on the phone company and the post office to help him contact the girl he left behind in 1982. Probably Kim Wilde.

6. Camera Obscura - Eighties Fan

The word 'wistful' was invented for this song. Elsewhere in Scotland, Stuart Murdoch is seething with jealousy at lines like these...

Run away to a bed and breakfast
Console yourself with the Reader's Digest
Ringing the Yellow Pages all alone

And for a certain kind of girl, there's no greater chat up line than this...

You say your life will be the death of you
Tell me, do you wash your hair in honey dew?

5. Manic Street Preachers - 1985

Trust the Manics to pour scorn on the decade of their teenage riot, remembering a year in which Orwell was proved right and the Civil War failed. Still, from misery comes hope...

In 1985, my words they came alive,
friends were made for life,
Morrissey and Marr gave me choice.
In 1985, in 1985.

4. Regina Spektor - Dance Anthem of the 80s

What killed the 80s music scene? If you'd asked me in 1989, I'd have screamed "dance anthems". S-Express, Technotronic, Black Box and their sordid, wailing ilk. (I quite liked MARRS and Pump Up The Volume, but it was a grubby, guilty kind of like, and I knew it was wrong.)

Regina Spektor remembers a much more enticing 80s dance anthem though... if only they'd all sounded this good.

3. Ash - True Love 1980

Ash narrowly missed out on last week's list due to the fact that their debut album was called 1977 and kicked off with the sound effect of Lucasfilm Tie Fighters to celebrate the year of their birth.

Those Ash boys grew up fast though... look at what they were getting up to by age 3!

2. Denim - I'm Against The Eighties

Another artist who really should have made it into last week's list (check out Lawrence's heartfelt 70s tribute The Osmonds if you don't believe me), particularly when you consider that he's not actually that fussed about the decade in which he first shimmied onto the indie-pop scene...

Well I’m against the ‘80s bands that couldn’t play
I’m against the ‘80s singers with nothing to say
You heard it on the radio
You saw it on the TV
You still went and bought it

Guilty as charged, m'lud.

1. Bowling For Soup - 1985

And so we reach, unarguably (don't even try), the greatest ever song ABOUT the 80s... and a promise fulfilled to Bowling For Soup's Jaret Reddick that if I ever compile such a Top Ten, his band will be Number One.

No contest...

Bruce Springsteen, Madonna
Way before Nirvana
There was U2 and Blondie
And music still on MTV
Her two kids in high school
They tell her that she's uncool
Cuz she's still preoccupied
With 19, 19, 1985

Audio & lyrics below, full video on the link above - worth watching, even though the record company don't want me embedding it. After all, there's a danger you might like the song and want to go out and buy it... and that'd never do.



Oh, and Richard Thompson does a pretty mean cover too.


So that was the 80s, my coming of age. What's your favourite song about this decas horribilis?

Don't worry, only one more week to go...


Senin, 21 Februari 2011

True Grit



Well, what do you say?

It's a Coen Brothers film with Jeff Bridges. So a film by my favourite writer/directors, starring my favourite actor, who were together responsible for my all time favourite movie.

And it does exactly what it says on the poster. It's many years since I saw the John Wayne version, and the only thing I remember is "Fill your hand, you son of a bitch!" (which is present and correct). The Coens have returned to the original novel as source material, and given it a quirkiness only they could get away with. There are some wonderfully random moments that contribute very little to the main plot but do give us that "mad world" vibe the Coens play so well. The cinematography is beautiful, particularly on the opening shot, thanks to another reliable member of the Coens posse, Roger Deakins. Matt Damon proves he can play character comedy as well as he does square jawed leading man, and Bridges is... well, Bridges. The ghost of John Wayne doesn't even get a look-in.

So it's exactly the film I expected... with one exception. I'm always wary of child actors (call it the Daniel Radcliffe Is Wooden effect) so I was prepared to suck air through my teeth at the precocious kid who has to carry the majority of the True Grit plot... yet Hailee Steinfeld excels. Only 13 when she took this role, she acts the socks off most Hollywood thespians twice her age. Definitely one to watch...


Sabtu, 19 Februari 2011

127 HOURS (2010)

MyRating: YYYY 1/2

Director: Danny Boyle
Cast: James Franco, Kate Mara, Amber Tamblyn, Clémence Poésy
MPAA: Rated R for language and some disturbing violent content/bloody images

A remarkable true story about a mountain climber Aron Ralston, who has to face a near death experience in one of his hiking adventure in April 2003, based on his autobiography Between a Rock and a Hard Place (published in 2004). Aron (James Franco) is trapped alone in the isolated Blue John Canyon in the Utah desert, after he is falling together with a dislodged boulder, which unfortunately crushes his right forearm and pins it against the canyon wall. Possessing high surviving skills and having lots of experiences in the open nature, Aron uses what he has with him in order to stay alive, including his climbing tools, a bottle of limited water inside, and a dull pocket knife. And he tries to survive the next five days while trying to figure out how to free himself from the boulder and out of the canyon. But when his time runs out, Aron has to do the unbelievable thing in order to save his life.

This is an incredible and 'painful' story that was being captured amazingly by the British director Danny Boyle, the man behind Slumdog Millionaire (2008), that won 8 Academy Awards in 2009. He also co-wrote the screenplay with Simon Beaufoy that was almost all factually accurate and as near authentic as the real event. The sinematography of the Utah desert and canyons was breathtakingly beautiful. The music score by A.R. Rahman was powerful, energetic, and haunting at times, bringing you right into the heart of the wild desert. The smart choice of showing close-up shots of Aron's hand before the event happened, such as when his hand searching around to grab something in the shelf at the beginning of the movie, or when his hand 'lively' touching and feeling the canyon wall, it actually has pre-warned us that something bad will happen to his hand. And when it finally happened, you knew that the 'honeymoon' was over, and it was time for eerie moments.

James Franco gave a dazzling performance in this one-man show attraction. Except in the beginning of the movie where he meets with two other adventurer girls (Kate Mara and Amber Tamblyn) and the other people at the end, there was nobody else except Franco, the open nature, and the rock. He convincingly portrayed the wild and free spirit of Aron Ralston, as we can see how he trully loves the mountain climbing, fearless, full of energy, and full of positive hopes. Falling from a bicycle, but still smiled happily and took a picture of his silly face. Trapped miserably in the canyon, but still able to joke with himself in front of his handycam by pretending to be the radio show host. And as he struggled to free himself from his unfortunate situation, even when he started to lose hopes, we can see how this man was unwilling to let the fate defeated him, not with the extreme decision that he took finally, in order to extricate himself from the rock. It needs more than bravery to do such a thing. And all this was played effectively and full of emotion by Franco. The movie was fortunate to get the right cast, and Franco was lucky to get the perfect role of his career. Got nominated by the Academy Awards is one big deal, your career will never be the same again, whether you win it or not, especially for a young and talented actor like James Franco.

Even though only alone in the canyon, the movie did not limited itself with Aron in that narrow crack, but bounced back and forth through Aron's mind, beyond the space and time, whether through his memories, imaginations or hallucinations. By recalling back to the time when he was still a child and how his father taught him to love the outdoor activities, remembering the good old times that he spent with his ex-girlfriend and the things that he desired to do with her, up to imagining himself drinking a bottle of cold drink in a wild party. All became like surreal pictures and dreams in his delusion and exhausted mind.

The final scene when Aron tried to, once and for all, free himself from the rock was a pretty painfully hard scene to watch, if you get the guts to continue watching it at the first place. It terrors you with the bloody sight and daunting sounds, that will make you wish it to finish soon. It was definitely not a scene for the faint-hearted.

As Aron Ralston said to himself in the movie, "You know, I've been thinking. Everything is... just comes together. It's me. I chose this. I chose all this. This rock... this rock has been waiting for me my entire life. It's entire life, ever since it was a bit of meteorite a million, billion years ago. In space. It's been waiting, to come here. Right, right here. I've been moving towards it my entire life. The minute I was born, every breath that I've taken, every action has been leading me to this crack on the out surface." That was a very thoughtful thought of a dying man. And it's true, everything that we do in our entire life is leading us to something, good or bad, that only God knows what it is. So, it's not merely about fate that we can't control, but it's about how we face it when it comes, because everybody has a big rock in the way of his life. The question is, whether you want to die with the rock, or to break free from it? It's your choice. (MJ)

Jumat, 18 Februari 2011

THE KING'S SPEECH (2010)

MyRating: YYYYY

Director: Tom Hooper
Cast: Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, Helena Bonham Carter, Guy Pearce, Michael Gambon, Timothy Spall, Derek Jacobi
MPAA: Rated R for some language

A fascinating British historical biopic drama about Prince Albert/King George VI (Colin Firth), the father of Queen Elizabeth II, who suffers from a lifelong stammer that makes him difficult to engage in any public speaking. Despite feeling unfit and reluctant, Albert has to assume the throne as the King of England after his elder brother, King Edward VIII (Guy Pierce), abdicates the throne. But as soon as he becomes King, and as he is expected to give speeches all the time, his real nightmares begin.

It's the story about the friendship between King George VI and Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush), an unorthodox speech therapist, whom the King seeks for help in order to cure his tongue-tied. Using unusual techniques, which the King hates at first, including exploring the past sad experiences and trauma that the King has gone through in his childhood, Logue begins to understand where all the fears come from. And only after the King is willing to surrender and trust himself totally into Logue's method, he is able to see the progress. With the love and continuous supports from his wife, Queen Elizabeth (Helena Bonham Cater), and the miraculous coaches from Logue, the King finally sees himself as a true King, who can lead his country and comfort his people through one of the toughest times in history, World War II, but first, he has to prove that he can 'speak'.

This is one beautiful movie that steals my heart. Not because it got 12 Oscar nominations, and possibly will win the Best Picture. But after seeing it, I have to admit that it was indeed 'wonderful' and the nominations are surely worth it. The story was a charming, funny, and hilarious at times, especially when seeing the peculiar method, yet brilliant, that Logue used to train the King. It will draw a smile in your face, and in your heart. It is a movie that will leave you with heartwarming after watching it and makes you feel good. A great well written screenplay by David Seidler with many clever dialogues, and a great direction by Tom Hooper, with beautiful art direction and cinematography. Some of the shots were looked like being shot a bit from the bottom-up. I don't know whether it was only my feeling, but it think some of the shots were purposely being shot that way in order to show the inferiority of a man.

But what made this movie trully standout was the superb actings and performances by the stars. Colin Firth was amazingly great in his impersonation as the stutter King. He really made us tired with him by seeing and waiting him to finish his lines. And we felt pity for him for all his strugglings with strained muscles in his neck everytime he needed to speak. Yet, his acting was very believable. It's time for him to get an Oscar recognition for his brilliant work here. Definitely the greatest and the most memorable role of his career.

Geoffrey Rush was another splendid cast here as the King's speech therapist. Outspoken, brave, a believer, and no compromise in forcing his own way, even when he has to do it in a smart way when dealing with the King. This is an example of a great and enticing character, and Rush scored it with his marvelous acting that made him and his character so much fun to watch. And he seemed to do it easily, what a great actor. Another strong performance by a Supporting Actor of the year. Helena Bonham Carter also gave a very good performance as the King's wife with her agile mimics.

The chemistry between Firth and Rush was bonded very solidly in the movie and worked so well as a strong acting force together. An inspiring and true friendship that the real characters had until the end of their lives. What a wonderful movie that has bonded my heart. Long live the King! (MJ)

Friday Flash - Yolanda (Part 2)


Read Part 1 here...

Last week's #fridayflash story came with not only a 'To Be Continued...' but also a challenge to its readers - could they guess where it was going? It was an experiment to see if the seeds I'd laid in preparation for the twist were subtle or obvious... and when Steve G. saw through my cunning plan, I was forced to think a little smarter. Which, I think, leads to a better conclusion. Sometimes the first idea you come up with is the best... other times, a little brainstorming can be of great value. And as the best plot comes from character, I let the protagonist's character guide him towards a more apt fate...

I hope you enjoy how it all turns out...


(Image by -Kj.)





Yolanda (Part 2)



Do I really expect her to come? I suppose it depends how desperate she is. From her text, I’d say pretty damned desperate. But I don’t know anything about her beyond her name and what she looks like. She might live all the way over the other side of town. She might have responsibilities – god, a kid or something – meaning she can’t leave the house, only entertain visitors at home. Course, if that was the case, I find myself reasoning, surely she’d have texted back by now. The longer I sit there in silence, the greater the chance Yolanda is actually on her way… and then what will I do?

I finish my second coffee and think seriously about getting a third. I’m not going to sleep tonight anyway, whatever happens. The cafe closes in ten minutes, so if I don’t order now I won’t have time to drink it. I’ve pretty much given up on her walking through the door when she does just that.

She’s wearing a purple top with some kind of Muppet on the front (not one I recognise), a long black jacket, and stripy stockings that stop just below her black A-line skirt. Some kind of weird fishbone necklace and earrings shaped like tiny little cassette tapes. Is she even old enough to have ever owned a cassette tape, I wonder. As I try to stop myself staring.

She looks around the shop and scrunches up her face. As she turns in my direction, my eyes dash out into the street. I watch her reflection in the window instead. Thank god for big windows. Then I see her go for her phone.

Shit! Why didn’t I think? When Guy isn’t where he said he’d be, what’s the first thing Yolanda’s going to do? Call him up and ask why. But if she calls now, she’ll hear his phone in my pocket. I can’t even go to turn it off because she’s still looking in my direction. Then she’ll know. I’m a thief. And a liar. And… what? Some scary guy who pretends to be someone he’s not to lure young girls away from the safety of their home in the middle of the night and…? Oh, god, no, that’s not what I am. That’s not why I did this. That’s not—

“What can I get you?” says the bloke behind the counter and Yolanda pauses from making her call, turns to consider the menu on the board above his head, and shrugs.

“Guess I better have an expresso,” she says. Under normal circumstances she’d lose thousands of points for thinking there’s an ‘x’ in the spelling, but in that moment I really don’t care. I’m just glad of the distraction that gives me time to fish Guy’s iPhone from my pocket and hold my thumb against the off button.

Yolanda turns back in my direction while waiting for her drink and puts the phone to her ear. I stare at my empty cup and take a long, deep breath. I know I’ve blown it now. I couldn’t make a move even if I had the guts. What on earth was I thinking? That she’d come all the way down here and be so… what? Pissed off? Heartbroken? Horny? So fucking vulnerable that she’d just fall into my arms and I wouldn’t even have to try? What sort of idiot am I? Really?

“Guy?” she says to his voicemail, though she pronounces it ‘Gui’, and I hate him even more for that. “Guy, you utter shitheel, where are you?” Her voice is low, but direct. It’s anything but the voice of the shy, sensitive ingénue I’d been imagining. People with confidence scare me. “I can’t believe you’d drag me all the way down here and not even… This isn’t funny, Guy… you’ve got five minutes to get your arse back down here, or I swear to Leviathan you’re going to regret it.”

She swears to Leviathan? Riiight... so, turns out the weird goth shit goes further than just her fashion sense. And I’m glad, in a way, because that makes it easier to get up and walk out of there. That and the fact that this is the sort of woman who’d obviously eat me alive, despite my advantage in age. But then again, what did I expect? U know what I need. And I need it bad. There’s a good reason no one’s ever said anything like that to me. Because the sort of woman who’d be that confident, that direct… I’d never be able to approach them in the first place. No, women like that, girls like Yolanda… they get the conceited arseholes they deserve. Guys like ‘Gui’. It doesn’t matter that I’d treat her with more respect and kindness and love than he ever would. It doesn’t matter than I’m better than a box full of Guis. That’s just the way the world always works. Good guys finish last... bad Guis get all the girls.

“Where do you think you’re going…?”

I’m almost out the door when I hear her. At first I think she must be talking to someone else, but as Robert De Niro might say, I’m the only one here. I want to keep going, but I want to turn back more. Look at her. Talk to her. Defy the way the world always works.

I watch her knock back the espresso in one. Only just poured, it must still be molten. If it is, she shows no sign of it.

“M-me…?” I say, and curse myself for the hesitation.

“You,” she says, wetting her lips as she steps towards me. The bloke behind the counter gives me a look, surprise stirred in with jealousy, and that’s the last I ever see of the world as it was. From that moment on, everything is Yolanda.

“Come with me,” she purrs, taking my hand and leading me out the door. She smells of jasmine and old things, her skin on mine feels like the crawling and tickling of a thousand ants. “I think you have something I need… and fuck me, mate, I need it bad.”

And then we’re outside, where I couldn’t tell you, but there’s rain on my face and brickwork against my back. She’s pressing her body against mine, breathing coffee and liquorice, and her eyes are impossible. Somewhere a radio plays Reet Petite. Woah oh oh oh. Woah oh oh oh.

“Tell me,” she says, her voice little more than a whisper, “tell me how much I deserve a man like you. Tell me, how much better you are than the boys I’ve had before. Tell me how I’ll never be happy with a conceited ape like Gui, and only you - only you can satisfy my need."

And that’s how I ended up in thrall to the demon, Y’olan’da, archduchess in the church of Leviathan. That’s how I ended up fodder for an infernal beast that sustains itself on the arrogance and envy of others.

I thought myself better than this.


Kamis, 17 Februari 2011

Small Press Round Up


I haven't written any small press comic reviews for a while, so here's a quick recap of some of the books I've read recently...


Tony McGee's Outcastes is revving up towards its three-part climax, yet with all the drama, revelations and plot twists contained in issue #9, I really have no idea where this book will go next. All hell just broke loose - quite literally. (Don't you just hate people who overuse the phrase "quite literally" or use it in a completely inappropriate manner? Like "I just coughed up a lung - quite literally". No, because if you'd literally coughed up a lung, you'd be dead. You mean "quite figuratively", if you mean anything at all. It's like that bloke on Come Fly With Me who always says "pardon the pun" when he hasn't actually made a pun. No? It's just me is it, again? Oh well, forget I said anything.)

Anyway, so much of great import happens in the latest Outcastes that you really need to have read the previous issues to truly appreciate it. So I suggest you start here. It's worth the effort, particularly as the latest issue contains the best art of Tony's career... and I've been following that career avidly for many a year now, so I know what I'm talking about. Quite literally.


While you're over there, you might want to check out Tony's online strip Eva Nova, which Tone describes as Love & Rockets + Halo Jones + Futurama. If you enjoy that as much as I did, he's also flogging actual paper copies too.


Sean Azzopardi's 100 Days Of Winter is another touching autobiographical story from a writer/artist who's fast becoming one of my favourite small-pressers. This takes the form of a series of illustrated diary entries between October 2009 and February '10, tracing the frustrations of working life, the artistic struggle, relationships, and the story of Sean's sick cat, Nobby, which is genuinely one of the most moving things I've read all year. But I'm a sucker when it comes to cats...

Buy 100 Days Of Winter, and sample more of Sean's work, over at his website.


I read Douglas Noble's Live Static in the car late one afternoon while waiting for an appointment I'd turned up really early for. Daylight was fading, I was all alone in a strange part of town, slightly edgy about the meeting ahead... and Douglas's story really freaked me out. It's a creepy-in-the-extreme tale of a fractured relationship and television gone bad. Douglas describes it as "a horror story about love, a romance about memory, and a dream of forgetting". To get the full effect, I suggest you read it in similarly discomforting circumstances. Brrr...

Find out more about Douglas's work here.


Finally, The Comix Reader is a 24 page newspaper print anthology of short strips by a variety of alternative cartoonists, most notable for the contribution by the legend that is Ralph Kidson (because I can never get enough of Ralph's work) but also featuring fascinating, amusing and thought-provoking work by the likes of Richard Cowdry, Gareth Brookes, Jimi Gherkin and others. All that for a quid? Bargain. Go to this place and buy.


Don't forget, there's more comic reviews by me (and Rob, and occasionally Paul and Steve) over at Comics On The Ration. I've recently reviewed Essential Hulk #6 and Mike Carey's Unwritten, while Rob has been slogging his way through volume after volume of The Walking Dead - presumably so you don't have to.


Rabu, 16 Februari 2011

Top Ten Songs About The 70s


So following my trawl through the 50s and 60s, we finally reach the decade that gave us Showaddywaddy, The Love Boat, Pong, Margaret Thatcher, bell-bottoms, the three day week and... me.

As already established, this isn't my Top Ten Songs From The 70s (hence no Born To Run at #1), just songs about that dismal decade...




10. Josh Rouse - 1972

Let's begin in the year of my birth with this wistful ditty about two young lovers caught between smoking pot and playing pool in the afternoon, working nights at the drive-thru, and screwing in a motel room all the rest of the time. None of which I did myself in 1972, given that I was 0.

9. The Connells - 74-75

I was the one who let you know
I was sorry ever after
74-75

Don't look at me, I was just a toddler.

It amuses me that when you type "Connells" into wikipedia it takes you to a page about a British estate agent, with a small link saying "Do you mean the American rock band?" Their marketing team must be working overtime.

8. Alice Cooper - Teenage Lament 74

A song actually written and recorded in the year it describes, though the experience of being a teenager trapped in a home with squabbling parents and dreaming of rock 'n' roll escape is pretty much timeless (I'm sure Samuel Pepys covered it in his own teenage diaries).

I ran into my room
And I fell down on my knees
Well, I thought that fifteen
Was gonna be a breeze
I picked up my guitar
To blast away the clouds
But somebody in the next room yelled
"You gotta turn that damn thing down!"

7. Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

Billy Corgan is scary. Look at him in this video. No, look at him. Why has no one ever cast him as a vampire in a really scary horror film? Eh? Because it wouldn't get past the censors, that's why.

Even scarier is the pun-ishing name of the album this came from: Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. Ouch.

6. Chris Difford - 1975

Like Billy Joel's We Didn't Start The Fire, Chris traces his life as a songwriter, beginning in '75. It's a much more personal journey than Joel's This Day In History romp, and yet, through all the ups and downs of fame and fortune, Squeeze's top man still has to conclude, "I've never been so happy as 1975." There's a lesson there somewhere.

5. The Ataris - Summer '79

Ten years after Bryan Adams had his moment in the sun, the Ataris turn up to celebrate roller-rinks, air hockey tables and "We Are The Champions". Given that Bryan Adams was only 9 in the Summer of '69 and the Ataris didn't form until the mid 90s, they were probably foetuses duruing the year in question. Then again, I had some of my happiest times as a foetus...

4. Ryan Adams - 1974

From the underrated Rock 'n' Roll album - at the time, everybody said "it's not as good as Heartbreaker or Gold", but that's only because they hadn't heard some of the dreck he's released since. That said, given that this song is all about the year of Ryan's birth... he's still achieved a heck of a lot more with his life than I have, and I had a two year head start!

3. The Alarm - Spirit Of '76

Anthemic guitar pop from the valleys... could the Alarm be the 80s Manics? If you're in the right frame of mind, this song could bring a tear to the eye. If you're in the wrong frame of mind, those tears will be buffeted by laughter.

2. Ed Harcourt - Born In The 70s

Another autobiographical piece from another performer younger than myself...

I was born in the year punk broke
Days before the king was dead

I'm old enough to remember Elvis's death on the TV (though for some reason, Lennon's death a couple of years later failed to register). Ed Harcourt appears to view the 70s as the birth of the Me-Generation that would rise to power in the 80s...

Born in the '70s
(No, we don't really give a fuck about you)
Born in the '70s
(No we don't really give a fuck about you)

1. The Clash - 1977

And while Ed was crawling round in his nappies, Joe Strummer and co. were really not giving a fuck. There was no Elvis, no Beatles and no Rolling Stones in 1977 - just The Clash. And the toilet didn't work.



Anyone who leaves a "but I wasn't even born in the 70s, Rol, nyah nyah nyah" comment wins a very special price. A Silver Jubilee tankard. To the face.

But... what's your favourite Song of the Seventies?


Selasa, 15 Februari 2011

This Blog Is Not For Sale



A couple of interesting emails have plopped into my inbox lately. I guess this blog has been going long enough, gets enough daily hits, and ranks high enough in Google Analytics (or whatever) that it has a certain perceived value. I never understand how you value a website - how Facebook or Twitter can be sold for billions for example. I know it's got something to do with the evil industry, but as my own relationship with the evil industry is such a painful one, I prefer not to delve too deeply. Anyway, while Sunset Over Slawit isn't quite at the stage where Aaron Sorkin is penning a screenplay based around my life, it's obviously been noticed by somebody. To wit, email #1...

We have a client who would like to pay you for the opportunity to post some of their content on your website. All of the content is professionally produced and you can select from pieces relevant to your audience.


The result is you get some free, interesting content for your readers while getting paid.


In return our client is asking for one link that they specify at the bottom of the content (no porn or gambling). Feel free to contact me with any concerns or clarifications you may have.

My first reaction to this was... really? What client? How much?

My second reaction was... hang on, WHY? Why would someone want to use this silly little blog to hawk their filthy wares? OK, so I'm now getting about 200 hits a day (though I have no way of knowing how many of those are spambots), but many of those hits must be the same people coming back again and again. Hell, half of them are probably just Steve. Surely there are more cost-effective ways of blowing your marketing budget than throwing it at me to squeeze the occasional ad for Pepsi or Apple in between My Top Ten Furniture Polish Songs and Why I Hate Audi Drivers post #463?

(Neither Pepsi nor Apple - nor Audi - gave me any money to mention them in the paragraph above. I actually prefer Coke, Microsoft and any other form of vehicular transportation ever invented to the brands in question... which I why I chose them. To avoid favouritism.)

My third thought was... surely those people who visit this blog every day do so exactly because they want to read content written by me? Which, given that my goal in life is to be a writer - and have my writing read by others - fills me with joy and pride and a buzzing in my nether-regions equivalent to Kate Winslet brushing past me in a negligee with a mint condition copy of Amazing Fantasy #15 tucked in her armpit. (In short, thank you all.) BUT if the reason you come here is to read me... why would you want to read some "free, interesting content" written by somebody else with the sole purpose of getting you to click a link and buy something?

So, thanks, but no thanks. If you want to pay me to write something, even something that promotes your wares... I'll give it a shot. I've gratefully received some nice free books, graphic novels and music as a result of writing this blog - and written about them whenever I had something worthwhile to say. But just copying and pasting someone else's words and using the goodwill of Sunset Over Slawit to peddle some old bollocks I have no interest in whatsoever... thanks, but I get enough of that in the day job.

But wait... we're not done yet! Because then comes email #2...

I represent a firm that purchases entire blogs, that is, the URL as well as the content of the blog. We use these blogs to improve the search engine rankings of our clients.


Our firm requires that the blog has correct English and grammar. It must have original content (not duplicate content from other blogs or websites) as well as having no pornography or other distasteful content. In addition, the blog must be able to be found on Google.


If you are interested in selling your blog(s), please reply with your URL(s) as well as your asking price(s). An actual offer for your blog would happen after a detailed analysis of it that showed that it met all of our criteria.

The email then goes on to suggest that, given the right t&c's, and based upon my current Google Ranking, I could make around $500 from this deal. Which isn't to be sniffed at, I suppose - especially when you're as skint as I am.

Except...

Well, my first thought was "bollocks".

My second thought was... WHY? Why would you, as a legitimate business, wish to purchase a blog with an unsexy URL of http://moviebookreview-s.blogspot.com/ (hardly Audiscumbags.com, is it?), the content of which varies most weeks between misanthropic short stories, reviews of crap Nicolas Cage movies, and My Top Ten Songs About Global Thermonuclear Destruction? I just do not get it.

But, as we already established earlier this year when I considered moving this blog wholesale to posterous, I'd lose a good chunk of my readers if I wasn't where I've always been, and you all mean far too much to me to piss you off like that for a measly 500 bucks. That's not to say I wouldn't be open to a better offer...


If you enjoyed the free, interesting content above, please consider clicking on this link and spending a stupid amount of money on the aspirational, life-affirming products available there. If you didn't enjoy the free, interesting content above... go take a long walk off a short pier. Who needs you?


Senin, 14 Februari 2011

THE FIGHTER (2010)

MyRating: YYYYY

Director: David O. Russell
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Christian Bale, Amy Adams, Melissa Leo, Jack McGee, Mickey O'Keefe
MPAA: Rated R for language throughout, drug content, some violence and sexuality

A heartwarming biographical boxing drama about an Irish-American boxer Micky Ward (Mark Wahlberg) and his unlikely journey to win the world light welterweight champion title. Coming from a big dysfunctional family in Lowell, Massachusetts, with seven other sisters to fit in a house, trained by his former professional boxer but a drug-addicted elder half-brother Dicky Eklund (Christian Bale), and managed by his dominant mother Alice Ward (Melissa Leo), Micky has to go through the rough and hard way before he could mark his name in the boxing history. But with the love of his girlfriend, Charlene Fleming (Amy Adams), and the full supports and bonds of his family, Micky proved that 'there is no dream too big to be conquered'.

What makes this movie a winner is the well-written underdog story that will win over the hearts of the audiences, and the charming performances by the actors. Great direction from David O. Russell, who could maximize the amazing potentials of all the casts. In fact, it was 'the performances' that made this movie a gem.

Christian Bale stole the whole movie with his brilliant and knockout performance. He totally transformed himself into another person, fitted well with his crack-addicted character, with his deep junkie eyes and skinny body, deep into the soul and mannerisms of Dicky Eklund. To well picturing the character, Bale had to lose his weight, like what he did before in The Machinist (2004). Not only that, as that of a great and perfectionist actor, Bale also stayed tune and true in his 'Dicky Eklund' character throughout the filming. A role like this did make him looked ugly physically, but it was a character and a performance that will definitely make you fall in love. An incredible acting and definitely an Oscar worthy one.

Mark Wahlberg as the main character, even though overshadowed by Bale, gave a good performance himself. A much calmer character (and not as flashy as Bale), he appeared quite convincingly as the fighter. Great chemistry between Wahlberg and Bale, that bonded very well.

Now, Amy Adams. Her character as Wahlberg's love interest was another character that I loved in this movie. Blunt, sassy, and sometimes rude, this was a strong performance by this lovable and great actress. Adding to the wonderful line-up of supporting casts was Melissa Leo, who gave a very solid performance as the assertive and aggresive mother-manager.

The Fighter is another great addition to the boxing movies like Rocky (1976), Raging Bull (1980) and Cinderella Man (2005). The boxing scenes themselves actually were not that spectacular, but this was a great drama with wonderful performances that will be remembered for years to come. (MJ)

The Red Coffin




A new addition to the rolecall of historical detectives is Inspector Pekkala, Stalin's number one investigator in pre-WWII Soviet Union. A former servant of the Tsar, Pekkala was the former leader's top man, given go-anywhere, do-anything, no-questions-asked privileges under the alias "The Emerald Eye" until the Tsar fell and Pekkala was exiled to Siberia. Years later, Stalin has "invited" him back to investigate murders that no one else can solve... and you don't say 'no' to Stalin.

Pekkala's latest case (this is the second novel in the series, and though I haven't read its predecessor, Eye Of The Red Tsar, everything I needed to know was explained) involves the mysterious death of a Colonel responsible for the development of a "super tank" nicknamed The Red Coffin, Russia's secret weapon in the forthcoming war against Germany. While I guessed the who in the whodunnit pretty early on, there's thankfully far more intrigue going on behind the scenes, and the actual murder turns out to be a less vital part of Pekkala's investigation. With an eye to Hollywood, Sam Eastland keeps his plot action-packed, including an explosive showdown with the rogue Red Coffin itself, but what makes this book far more interesting is Pekkala's back-story and the way it ties into a fascinating era of Russian history, something I knew very little about, but which now has me fascinated. When your supporting cast includes Stalin, Nicolas II (and his scary wife) and Rasputin, you're already onto a winner. I'll definitely be hunting down Eye Of The Red Tsar, and look forward to seeing what Pekkala does next.


Jumat, 11 Februari 2011

Friday Flash - Yolanda (Part 1?)



Yolanda


Ever eavesdrop on a conversation that makes you so angry, you have to do something about it?

Here’s my advice: keep out of it. Look at what happened to me…

It starts in a coffee shop, one evening after work. Ten hours on my feet, with just a 20 minute break for lunch and nonstop earache from Victoria all afternoon, I’m ready to drop. But I don’t just want to go back to my lonely flat and slump comatose in front of another CSI repeat. I need a little human interaction, even if it’s only the brunette in Caffé Nero who always has time for a chat and stamps my loyalty card twice, with a wink. I actually thought I was in there, but of course that’s the night I arrive to find her stepping out with some Neanderthal in a Fred Perry top. As is often the case, I left it too long.

Now I’m way past wanting to be sociable, I just want my coffee. So I order my usual, Americano, black, and sequester myself in a booth as far from the counter as possible. See, people are generally lazy. They don’t want to have to walk to the other end of the shop to sit down after all those endless minutes (say, two) standing in line. And it’s pretty quiet in here tonight so the changes of anyone schlepping all the way over to disturb my sulk are slim. That’s the theory anyway. But it’s been one of those days, so my coffee’s hardly cooled to drinkable before these two huge emo arseholes have slung themselves into the booth next to mine, all Siouxsie Sioux make-up and black leather trenchcoats. I hate them on sight, and then they open their mouths.

“Broke up with Yolanda last night,” says the one on the left. He’s wearing a 30 Seconds To Mars T-shirt and drinking what I’m guessing is a cinnamon latte. Too much eye make-up and bandages all up his left forearm. “What a scene.”

“Aw, dude, I’m sorry,” says the other. He’s only got one eye because of his ridiculous fringe and his coffee’s iced. Never trust anyone who likes their coffee cold. That’s one of the fundamental laws of thermodynamics. “Yolanda was smoking hot.”

“Bitch went nuts,” says Bandage Boy, and my loathing plumbs new depths. Those bandages are obviously for show. I’d love to think of him carefully scoring that arm with a razor blade, but there’s only one kind of self-abuse this idiot specialises in. “How was I supposed to know it was her birthday?”

“Sheeeeit,” says One-Eye, sounding nothing like that guy from The Wire. He laughs and asks how long it’s been since they first got it together.

“I dunno, man,” Bandages replies, “feels like, four, five, six… thousand years or something." If his face was an email, it'd read LOL right now. "Who keeps track of that kind of shit? It was good while it lasted, but a man gets bored – you know?”

“Oh, I know, brother, I know…”

It’s the kind of situation makes me desperate to commit random violence. How such an utter dick can end up with a "smoking hot" girlfriend who he takes for granted, treats like utter shit, then crows to his mate about dumping her. And meanwhile, here’s me, 27 year old, a steady job, prospects, and I don’t even have the confidence to ask out the girl in the coffee shop before she hooks up with some fashionista simian.

I’m still fuming five minutes later as the men in black drain their cups, lick the foam from their lips, and bounce on out of there. I can’t even rejoice at their departure, they’ve made me feel so bad. And that’s when I notice the iPhone Bandages has left behind in the booth. Must have fallen out of his trenchcoat. Anyone else, I might have chased after him, but this oaf? I’ve half a mind to phone up some premium rate sex line in Bangkok and leave the call running till the battery goes flat.

And then the text noise goes off and I almost drop the phone... until I see her picture flash up on the screen. Yolanda. There’s no denying it: she is smoking hot. Not a phrase I would generally use without bunny ears, but this is a girl who knows how to wear eye shadow, juju beads, and fingerless indigo gloves. Her hair is an explosion, but it’s the kind of explosion you’d gladly throw yourself into, and she’s smiling in her photo – the kind of smile that makes me hurt inside when I think of her wasting it on a cock-end like Bandages. I click the envelope and read the message.

Guy – we need 2 talk. Cant leave it like we did. Meet me. Tonite. U know what I need. And I need it bad.

And that's when I lose it completely. It makes me so angry, I want to smash things. Bandages’ iPhone, my grande coffee mug (it’s empty now, I wouldn’t smash it if there was still coffee to be drunk), this stupid leatherette booth, the whole blasted shop. Nobody’s ever sent me a text like that. Even the girls who stuck around for a while, none of them have ever told me they needed it. Bad. But this heartless buffoon… this faux-emotional poseur… this Guy… from him, she needs it. She needs it bad.

My thumb hurries off a reply. It’s automatic.

I’m in Caffe Nero, by the station. Waiting. See you soon.

I detest shorthand. My texts are always written in complete, punctuated English. But as my thumb hovers over send, I realise Guy wouldn’t be quite so conscientious. I rethink, then rethumb.

Babe - Im in Cafe Nero by station. Waiting 4 u. C u soon.

Yes. Much more illiterate. I hit send, slip the phone in my pocket, and head back to the bar to order a second drink. This time I’ll sit nearer the door.

To be continued...?


*********************


This week's #fridayflash wasn't meant to come with a "To be continued..."

I knew exactly where it was going and could probably have found time to write the second half... but then I hit a natural stopping place. Rather than rush the ending, I thought it might be fun to allow it a little more space to develop.

I dunno... what do you think? Let me know if you'd like to read part two next week. I'll take stony silence as my cue to come up with something different.

More importantly... where do you think this story is going? I'm intrigued to know whether the plot thus far suggests a predictable resolution. No, I'm not just scrounging around for ideas... in fact, if someone does suggest the ending I have in mind, it'll probably discourage me from taking this any further. Think of me as M. Knight Shyamalan, stopping at the end of the first act of The Sixth Sense, and asking his audience... so? If anyone says "Bruce Willis is a ghost", I promise I won't take this any further.


Kamis, 10 Februari 2011

The Race Is On


Something is getting on my nerves lately.

Well, something new. All the old things are still getting on my nerves too, but this is one I haven't noticed before - or that I'm noticing with far more frequency.



I've always been a fast walker. If ever I go for a walk with Louise, she always asks me to slow down. It's not like I'm in a hurry to get anywhere, I just have a naturally fast pace. I don't like walking slowly, unless I'm stopping to admire the view, and let's face it - in Bradford, there's no view to admire.

So when I walk across town for my daily caffeine fix, I'm used to passing most of the people who are going in my direction. Because most people walk slower than me. And that's fine. I don't barge them out of the way like Richard Ashcroft, I just step around them and carry on my mission.

But lately, more and more people seem unwilling to let me pass. Instead they start to speed up, to match my pace, or even get ahead. They want to race. Which in turn makes me walk even faster. Till we're virtually sprinting through the centre of Bradford like the winner gets Cafe Nero's last ever Americano, and the loser dies of caffeine withdrawal. Only they're not even going for a coffee... they just don't want me to get ahead.

Look, I don't ask for much out of life. But if I want to walk past you - please just let me walk past you. It isn't a race. There isn't a prize. This is just my natural pace and I don't like following you. Who does it hurt?

Actually, thinking about this, it's just one more nail in my mid-life coffin. I know why it's happening. It's because I'm getting old, isn't it? It's because those damned young people can't face the fact that a soon-to-be 39 year-old fogey has a quicker step than them. And it's only going to get worse, and more frustrating, and drag me further still into a trough of despond... with every passing year.

There's nothing else for it. I'm gonna have to get a segway.


Rabu, 09 Februari 2011

Top Ten Songs About The 60s


So we move on from the 50s... to the decade you can't remember if you were there. I wasn't, so I guess I remember it better than most. Certainly better than many of the artists below...


10. Kenickie - 60s Bitch

Having previously included this in both my Top Ten Number 6 Songs and my Top Ten Bitch Songs, I'm running out of excuses to play it. Unless I decide to do a Top Ten 0s songs. Ordnance Survey?

9. Booker T & The MGs - Soul Clap '69

Booker T named his backing band "the MG's" after producer Chips Moman's sports car, but his record company (not wanting to get caught up in the murky world of trademark infrigement) claimed it actually stood for "Memphis Group". Moman's previous group (also with Booker) was called "the Triumphs". He was also temporarily in charge of "the Scumbags", until he sold his Audi.

8. Gorkys Zygotic Mynci - Foot & Mouth '68

An instrumental from the least interesting Gorkys album, this makes the list for its title alone. What other band would write a song about the outbreak of a terrible cattle disease 40+ years ago?

7. The Stooges - 1969

I love how youtube describes the genre as "proto-punk", suggesting Iggy represents some kind of primordial slime whio might one day evolve into the Ramones or Green Day. (He wouldn't evolve into the Pistols... Johnny Rotten was his own very distinct genus of British slime.)

6. Half Man Half Biscuit - 1966 And All That

Apparently there was some kind of famous footballing tournament in 1966, the last time we English won anything of any real worth. I wouldn't know.

5. New Order - 1963

New Order were one of those bands - like the Smiths and the Jesus & Mary Chain - who all the cool kids liked when I was in High School. Unlike The Smiths and the JMC though, I didn't arrive at the party late... I didn't arrive at all. I tried, which is how come their Greatest Hits landed in my collection. It's one of their more lyrically interesting tracks, but all those synths that bothered me back in 1987... bother me even more today.

4. The Auteurs - 1967

It's 1967 and there's no pop in Luke Haines's record collection. So he has to go and get a job in West Yorkshire... and being the proud Southerner he is, you know that'll kill him.

3. The Indelicates - Julia, We Don't Live In The 60s

Have I told you lately how much I love The Indelicates?

We never had it so good - life is sweet.


And now...

I've never had a tie for top place in these Top Tens before...

But I really can't decide my favourite song about the Sixties...

So this week there are TWO Number Ones...


1. Bryan Adams - Summer of '69

Summer of '69 is the cloest Adams ever got to recreating Born To Run era Springsteen - a triumphant, fist in the air, air raid blast of nostalgia that never fails to make me smile. As classic a slab of rock 'n' roll sunshine as Johnny B. Goode...

Adams and co-writer Jim Vallance can't appear to remember whether the '69 in question was the Summer of Love or the Summer of Mutual Oral Pleasure. You'd think something like that would stick in their mind.

The Canadian rocker's mum once lived just over the hill from me in Honley. That is my claim to non-fame for the day.

Oh, when I look back now, that summer seemed to last forever...



1. The Four Seasons - December 1963 (Oh What A Night)

Frankie Valli's biggest hit was originally titled 'December 5th, 1933' and celebrated the night prohibition was lifted in the States.

Apparently John Barrowman once recorded a cover. Much as I like Captain Jack, I won't be going out of my way to hear that.



So... do you remember any other songs about the 60s? Or were you actually there?


 

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