THE SORCERER'S APPRENTICE (2010)

MyRating: YY

Director: Jon Turteltaub
Cast: Nicolas Cage, Jay Baruchel, Alfred Molina, Teresa Palmer, Toby Kebbell, Omar Benson Miller, Monica Bellucci
MPAA: Rated PG for fantasy action violence, some mild rude humor and brief language

The Sorcerer's Apprentice is a classic ballad poem by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1932), a well-known German writer, written in 1797. The story of the poem, which title in its original language was Der Zauberlehrling, is about a sorcerer's apprentice who is ordered by his master to do some chores in the workshop, while his master is not around. Tired of cleaning the floor, the apprentice enchants a broom with magic to do his work. But since the apprentice is new with magic, the broom soon makes the floor flooded with water by fetching water with a pail, and the apprentice just doesn't know how to stop the broom from working. Feeling frustrated, he breaks and splits the broom in two with an axe. However, it still cannot stop the broom, which are now become two brooms, working with double speed. It's only after the master returns, the spell can be broken, and the apprentice learns a very valuable lesson on how to use magic.

The above story was widely popularized by Disney in 1940 with its acclaimed animated film, Fantasia, where Mickey Mouse plays as the apprentice. And this popular scene is there in this The Sorcerer's Apprentice movie, where the apprentice, Dave Stutler (Baruchel) has to helplessly face with a full cabinet of unstoppable brooms and other cleaning equipments, that awash his workshop floor with water. Dave is an average guy with a past memory that he would like to forget, when he accidentally clashed with the world of magic in his childhood. When Balthazar Blake (Cage), a master sorcerer from the ancient world and once an apprentice of Merlin, finds Dave again many years later, Balthazar recruits him as his apprentice. Dave is not only having the magic hidden potential within him, but he is actually the chosen one. Together, they have to face the dark forces of Maxim Horvath (Molina), Balthazar's centuries-old arch-nemesis, who also hunts Dave for something very valuable that he may have with him. So, Dave's new mission is to save the world from the evil darkness, but before that, he has to survive the training as an apprentice.

Nicolas Cage, Jon Turteltaub (director), Jerry Bruckheimer (producer) and Walt Disney are back as the (winning) team, after the success of National Treasure (2004) and National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007). This time, they are back with 'magic'. But this was not the kind of magic that made me fall in love. I liked some parts of the movie, but I also did not like some other parts of the movie. In overall, I think that this movie has a weak script. It was just too light and the fantasy was felt a bit too childish for me. Most of the humors also did not really funny. Nicolas Cage was in his usual comfort zone, with his same cool acting and expressions, and the same tone of voice. His ugly long hair here was annoying. I also felt that the antagonist character of Alfred Molina was annoying, which I don't know why, maybe because of his hat and outfit, maybe because of his moustache! It was the character of the apprentice that I think was the most interesting one in this movie. Even though some people may think that Jay Baruchel was annoying, I think he gave some fresh air to this movie with his funny moments. There was also an appearance from Monica Bellucci, the beautiful and sexy actress that we loved in Malena (2000). Even though still looks beautiful, she also looks a bit old now. Sadly, age can never lie.

I didn't like the "National Treasure" franchise. I think it was a failed attempt of the modern-day Indiana Jones, with bad and uninspiring scripts. Even though I love adventure movies, but I didn't enjoy both the National Treasure movies. They did it slightly different in The Sorcerer's Apprentice with some magic touches, but as I said, the magic didn't work for me either. It was just an average attempt with an average and forgettable result. The magic did not spark. (MJ)

Glover's Mistake

David's blog was his counter-plot and everything was up for judgement and redressal. If he watched TV or read a book, was delayed by roadworks or bought a sandwich, he'd blog about it. Then the comments from others might appear. It was peculiar what brought people to his site. Anything and everything. And when they arrived they'd look around, then join in. People take so much shit that they'll jump at a chance to give some back. And David's rancour was applauded. He was permitted. He felt fine. He didn't need to justify, but on occasion, late at night, adrenalized with vitriol, some cobwebby corner of him almost understood the problem: he was searching not for things to love but a place to put his rage.

David Pinner, the hero of Nick Laird's second novel, is the lowest of the low. Not a murderer, a rapist, a terrorist or even a Tom Hanks fan... he's a blogger. The scum!

David is a man consumed by insecurity, jealousy and that unsavoury combination of inferiority and superiority complexes that all true bloggers know so well. When he meets up with an old art school tutor who's gone on to bigger things, he sees romantic possibility (despite the fact that he's an unlovable slob - he's deluded, of course... didn't you hear, he's a blogger!?) But when the object of his affection meets and falls instead for David's flatmate Glover, there's nothing he won't do to put a spanner in the works and wreck their happiness.

I read a couple of reviews of Glover's Mistake that complained it was hard to sympathise with such a loathsome protagonist, yet strangely I didn't have a problem. It's true that David is slime, but you have to admire his single-minded dedication to the cause. Laird admits to being a fan of the way Nick Hornby writes about relationships, yet Hornby's heroes are usually lovable idiots - he's never released a grotesque like David Pinner into the world. As a poet, Laird's writing is a little more flowery than Hornby's, and his characters a little more arty, but their obsessions and anxieties will strike a chord with Hornby fans... and bloggers the world over will obviously be able to relate to David himself.

Because, let's face it, we are all scum.




Do I need to add a winking smiley face to the end of that post?

DESPICABLE ME 3D (2010)

MyRating: YY1/2

Director: Pierre Coffin & Chris Renaud
Voice: Steve Carell, Jason Segal, Russell Brand, Julie Andrews, Will Arnett, Kristen Wiig, Miranda Cosgrove, Dana Gaier, Elsie Fisher
MPAA: Rated PG for rude humor and mild action

Despicable Me is the first 3D computer-animated feature film from Universal Studios and Illumination Entertainment. Talking about computer-animated film, Disney/Pixar has always been in the lead of the game, because of their pioneering status with Toy Story back in 1995, their sophisticated graphics and solid storylines. DreamWorks follows closely in the second place, with their most bankable series, Shrek. Do not forget Blue Sky Studios and 20th Century Fox with their Ice Age trilogy, and the unbelievable huge amount of money this trilogy has pumped-in to the studio. Yes, the computer-animated film has become a huge business in Hollywood nowadays, which attracts many studios to participate in producing many new animated films every year, so also to sip the profits that these movies may bring in.

And now, since it is the 3D era, every studio races to make the 3D animated films. Blue Sky did it first with Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. DreamWorks did it with How to Train Your Dragon and Shrek Forever After this year. And Disney/Pixar definitely did not want to lose their pioneer status and did it with Toy Story 3. It's simple, if you do not make it in 3D, then you will fall behind the trend (or in the case of Disney/Pixar, it will be a matter of dignity). And by seeing today's 3D animated films, it makes the old/conventional 2D animated films of Disney (Beauty and The Beast, Aladdin, Lion King, and friends) look like the movies from the 'ice age' era, disregard how much we loved these movies.

Despicable Me has an impressive 3D with its exciting pop-up effects. Indeed, it was the most exciting 3D effects, in terms of 'things jump out of the screen', that I have watched so far. The pop-up of objects was more real and much closer to you. There was also a roller coaster scene, where you will feel as if you were on the roller coaster yourself. Of course, earlier this year, we have watched the 3D of How to Train Your Dragon which was also awesome, especially when you experienced flying with the dragon. The 3D of Shrek Forever After was okay, but not that memorable. While for Toy Story 3, the funny thing is, I almost did not feel the 3D effects. Whether we like it or not, 3D effects are always associated with the 'pop-up' things. The more it pops-up, the more it will be we appreciated for its 3D. And when speaking of this, I think Despicable Me was one of the best pop-up animated 3D so far.

The story is about a supervillain named Gru (Carell), whose pride was being wounded, when he learned that the Pyramid was being stolen by an unknown theft. Driven by jealousy, Gru plans the biggest crime in the history, wich is to steal the moon, so that he could get a recognition from the world that he is the greatest villain living on earth. With the assistant of Dr. Nefario (Brand) and his small army of minions, Gru executes his wicked scheme. But it appears to be not an easy task for Gru, as he has to face with another villain, Vector (Segel), the real theft of the Pyramid, who also wants to be known as the biggest supervillain on earth. When Gru meets with three little orphan girls, Margo, Edith and Agnes, he finally finds a way on how to defeat his enemy, which is by using these three girls as baits. So, he decides to adopt them. However, when the girls come to live in his house, their innocent, purity and loves somehow change Gru's view about life, and ultimately change his life forever.

This movie happened to be a big hit in the box office. Critics and audiences loved it, that gave a good buzz of words of mouth. Besides the appealing 'pop-up' 3D that I mentioned above, the story was also entertaining, that attracted many audiences to the cinemas. And kids will definitely love the funny 'minions'. For the voicing, I think Steve Carell was doing a good job in coloring the character of Gru.
As for me, I enjoyed the pop-up 3D, and the roller coaster scene. But for the story, I have to sincerely say that I did not enjoy and like it that much. And I did think that the storyline was not that good. The (crude) humor somehow did not work for me. I believe that many people loved and thought that the minions were funny, which they did, but I didn't really fall in love with the minions. Maybe if I were younger, I will love them more, as well as the story, which I think was more suitable for kids. The relationship between the three little girls and Gru was sweet though. I think that was the power of this movie, that left us with warm feelings, even though not as good as what Pixar usually did to us with their powerful impact scenes.

I don't think Despicable Me will be the front runner for next year Oscar's Best Animated Feature Film, to compete with Toy Story 3 and How to Train Your Dragon. And in terms of the quality of the story, I don't think that it even close to those two other much superior movies. (MJ)

I Love It When A Film Comes Together

The A-Team movie didn't do as well as expected at the US box office. It lost the battle to another 80s remake, The Karate Kid. I had a hard time understanding why before I'd seen the movie. As a child of the 80s, while I thought The Karate Kid was an OK flick, The A-Team dominated my youth. I loved that show, and I'd been looking forward to a big screen remake for years. We've had to wait a few more weeks for The A-Team to burst into the UK, but after finally seeing the movie... I now have a REALLY hard time understanding why it lost out to Jackie Chan, Will Smith's kid and a bit of rubbish kung-fu.

Because The A-Team movie does exactly what you want it to do. It doesn't try to re-invent the wheel. It doesn't try to make the A-Team believable or hardboiled or treat the concept with a seriousness it doesn't merit... yet neither does it mock the show (and our memories) in the way other big screen adaps have done (stand up, Starsky & Hutch). It says - you know what, The A-Team should be big and loud and brash and outrageous... but most of all, it should be fun.

They could so easily have screwed this up. It's simple enough to cast some black dude with a mohawk and have him say "I ain't getting on no plane, fool" a few times to satisfy the fans. And the rest of the team could have been reduced to their broadest strokes and replicated too - the handsome playboy, the crazy pilot, the silver-haired, cigar chomping leader. Yet the writers here have actually tried - and mostly succeeded - to give what could have been merely caricatures a little depth and development. The casting is perfect. At no point did I think, "that's Liam Neeson". I actually believed it was Hannibal Smith, from the start. George Peppard would be proud. Likewise Bradley Cooper captures that same mix of charm and vulnerability that Dirk Benedict did so well, and District 9's Sharlo Copley gives us a Murdock who's both Howling Mad and really quite sweet. Quinton 'Rampage' Jackson wins the battle with Mr. T, going beyond bluster and bling to be the surprise of the show. And yes, we do get to discover exactly why he doesn't want to get on no planes, fool.

There's slimy support from the always excellent Patrick Wilson and another 80s hero - Simon & Simon's Gerald McRaney (George Hearst in Deadwood); plus a nice cameo from Don Draper himself, John Hamm. (Sadly I missed the Schultz and Benedict cameos as nobody warned me to wait around till after the credits.) The only character who gets shortchanged is Jessica Biel's one-dimensional love interest / super agent, as forgettable in her way as the original Amy Amanda Allen... I guess this always was a show where the guys dominated.

The stunts are utterly ridiculous, the gags are frequently hilarious, the catchphrases, vehicles and gadgets are all given due consideration... really, what else could you want from an A-Team movie?

The Karate Kid? Bah!

Status Anxiety

Yesterday, as part of my working day, I had an awkward meeting with a client. I won't divulge their occupation, but for the purpose of this post, let's just call them a Successful Person. Someone who has worked hard in their chosen field to rise to a level of achievement that would be respected by others. A professional.

I take such meetings from time to time, and it's no big deal. I may have a chip the size of a King Edward on my shoulder about having achieved Sweet Fanny Adam in my own career, but I try not to let it show. This time was different. The Successful Person in question was a former High School classmate. I didn't know that going in, but I recognised her immediately. I'm pretty sure she recognised me too (the name is memorable if nothing else), but neither of us acknowledged it. We treated each other as complete strangers: it was easier that way.

Afterwards, I was reminded of the post I wrote a couple of weeks back about why I don't do school reunions. About not wanting to explain myself to a bunch of people who'd made something of their lives. Am I that insecure about my position in the world? Do I really care so much what other people think? Or am I being too hard - and projecting that self-criticism onto others?

Louise says that whenever she tells people what I do for a living, they always think it's fascinating. From the outside, working in the media always seems that way. And I'm under no illusions that - as much as I hate this job - there are far worse things I could be doing to bring in a wage. But at the end of the day, I don't really care what other people think - I care what I think. And I think that I've failed. There are millions of people in the world who don't have the job they want, who haven't achieved the goals they set them themselves in their youth, who feel they've let themselves down. And I dare say a good proportion of them have far more to complain about than I do. I just never thought I'd be one of them.

But the world needs losers. We play an important role in society. If nothing else, we remind the winners exactly what they've won. I hope they appreciate it.

The Oh My! Meme

Not done a meme in a while, and nothing else is happening much at the moment...

Stolen from Sunday Stealing...


1. The phone rings; who don't you want it to be?

Work. Or Tom Hanks. (Stop bothering me Tom, I'm not going to watch Toy Story 3 until they redub your bits.)

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your trolley?

Of course. It's called civilization.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?

Definitely the second.

4. What was the last compliment someone gave you?

"You're not completely useless, are you?"

(They were wrong.)

5. Do you play the lottery?

When it first began, I bought a ticket every week. Then I realised that money could be better spent.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, who would you want with you?

Wolverine.

7. Do you like to ride horses?

Not really. Did it once, found it rather uncomfortable.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?

I went to a youth hostel once, does that count?

9. What is your favourite party game?

Guessing what time we can go home.

As a kid, I always liked Hide 'n' Seek.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you go for it?

Is it Kate Winslet? Has her divorce come through yet?

11. When was the last time you lied?

The last question.

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?

As long as they weren't a scientologist. (It's not the aliens I object to, more Tom Cruise.)

13. If you have a S/O, who pursued who? If not, do you like to pursue or be pursued?

There wasn't really much in the way of pursuit. She just took pity.

14. Use six words to describe yourself.

Writer. Unachiever. Geek. Reader. Misanthrope. Dreamer.

15. Name a song that could make you cry?

Every time I get this question, the answer always ends up the same.

The Reservoir by Shirley Lee.

16. Are you pleased with your education?

Education is wasted on the young. I made a couple of wrong decisions, could have studied more, gone to a better uni... been a completely different person. Would I have been any happier?

17. How do you feel about gun control?

If I had a gun, I'd use it every rush hour. Hence, I think gun control is a very smart idea.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?

The cats.

19. How often do you have a romantic weekend?

I was about to say "every weekend is a romantic weekend"... then I thought... you better ask Louise.

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?

The future.

21. What was the last adult magazine you have read?

Define 'adult'.

You mean a jazz mag?

I thought the internet put them out of business.

22. What are you told about your eyes?

They're too often closed.

23. How tall is just right?

For what? Seeing over the neighbour's hedge?

24. Where is your dream house located?

On a remote, windswept island.

25. Do you have a secret fetish?

I can never understand why I find stockings so exciting. They're a bit bizarre if you think about them.



26. Have you tried bourbon? If yes, what type?

Ah, the good old days. Jack, my dear old friend - how are you, it's been years.

27. Have you ever seen a male or female stripper?

Only with their clothes on.

28. When was the last time you were at TGI Fridays?

A long time ago.

29. When was the last time you were at Church?

Earlier this year, at Davey's wedding. Actually, that was an abbey - does that count?

30. Where was the furthest place you travelled today?

So far, I haven't travelled anywhere - apart from coming upstairs to sit at the computer. I'll be leaving for Mirfield shortly. Pity me.

31. What was your favourite job?

Working in the record library.

32. What condiments do you like at your BBQ?

Ketchup and a nice BBQ sauce.

33. What's your favourite David Lynch movie?

Wild At Heart.

34. Do you look like your mum or dad?

I love them both.

35. Who was the last person that you showered with (it's okay to leave out the name)?

Eh? How can I answer the question if I leave out the name?

Thoughtballoons - The Punisher

This week's Thoughtballoons character is Marvel's never-smiling psychotic vigilante Death Wish-tribute, the skull-chested Frank Castle aka The Punisher. Often a bit of a one note character, he works well as a guest star / antagonist, but it's tough to make us care about him. It's also much easier to play him for bleak laughs - which was the temptation. Too easy...

Read my 1 page Punisher story here.

Simon King's Wild Life

Wildlife photographer and TV presenter Simon King has led a very fortunate life. He's done what many of us aspire to - he's lived his dream. Simon's specific dream has always been to study and observe and get as close to the natural world as possible, and he's pursued that goal with a single-minded determination that is admirable. It's true that part of Simon's success is down to knowing the right people - he makes no bones about the fact that his father worked for the BBC and introduced him to many of the contacts that helped forward his career. But I don't think that's the only reason for his success. His talent, dedication, hard work and genuine passion for nature is evident in everything he does.

It's not as though he hasn't had to make sacrifices for his work too. While much of this book involves the thrills and spills of wildlife photography - from being swarmed by killer bees to almost losing a finger to a panicking otter to being attacked by a rabid cheetah and having fire ants bite into your manhood - King also talks movingly about the death of his dad and the end of his first marriage - a clear choice between being a stay-at-home family man and a full time nature-chaser.

"I was one of the luckiest men alive, still am. I reasoned that life would always throw up challenges, and compromises would always have to be made. As long as I was still able to feel the wind on my face and get pleasure from it, I would try to juggle the loves of my life so that none suffered from too great a neglect."

Reading Wild Life, I felt a degree of envy for the life Simon King has led. But not for the sacrifices he's made. As exciting an idea as living amongst lions, elephants or albatross might be, I wouldn't want to give up my home comforts to do it. I'm glad there are people like King who are obsessed with wildlife to such an extent - and that they're happy to share their obsession with us.

30 Songs - Day 12

Day 12 - A Song From A Band You Hate

And no prizes for guessing who that band will be.

Oh, how do I hate U2... let me count the ways. What's worse? Their world-conquering bombast? Their self-righteous pomposity? Their smug, humourless egotism? That blasphemous Spidey musical? (Oh, the horror.) Or just the fact that Bono is such a cock?

As with many awful bands though - or at least many awful bands who have been around at least half as long as U2 - I don't hate their music quite as much as I hate them. Yes, I'll turn off the radio if I hear the opening bars of With Or Without You or Where The Streets Have No Name, but it's more for the image they bring with them - Bono's big gurning mug, those stupid red sunglasses, the stubble... and that voice. That voice that makes Bob Geldof sound like Julie Andrews. Not the singing voice: the patronising, proselytising, "I'm bigger than Jesus", Here-I-Am-At-The-UN-with-my-mate-the-new-Nazi-Pope-bow-down-before-me-you-ignorant-serfs speaking voice.

That said, if I close my eyes and try to expunge all thoughts of His Holy Smugalot from my mind... I don't abhor every single U2 song. New Year's Day, Desire, One (especially the Johnny Cash version), The Sweetest Thing, Beautiful Day... I wouldn't want them in my mp3 library, but I wouldn't tear off my ears and pour battery acid in the holes to stop me from ever hearing them again.

The track below is as close as I ever came to actually buying a U2 record. Even at the tender age of 16, common sense prevailed, but I've got to at least give them this...

The Rainbow Orchid - The Quest Continues

Fans of sumptuous, detailed artwork and rattling good yarns rejoice - Julius Chancer is back in the second thrilling episode of Garen Ewing's The Rainbow Orchid - available to order now. This time Julius's quest for that elusive flower takes him all the way to India where he has to contend with plane crashes, punch ups and the rare beauty of an angry maternal snow leopard*. It's all jolly good fun in the best European comics tradition: but it's more than just a homage or tribute to the adventures of Tin Tin and others you may recall from your misspent youth. It lives and breathes and stands proud on its own two feet - Garen's book deserves to win every award going for graphic novel artwork and storytelling.

Truly, if you don't like The Rainbow Orchid, you don't like life!

You can sample the strip from the beginning here and buy both volumes 1 & 2 from Amazon or from Garen's store (where you'll also find a choice range of Rainbow Orchid merchandise too).



(*Snow leopards are one of my favourite animals. I have pictures of them on my notice board at work. So I was especially thrilled to see one guest starring in this comic - with its cub to boot.)

Inception

Sorry to say, my fears regarding Christopher Nolan's Inception came to pass. It's an enjoyable movie, yet I kept wanting to enjoy it more. It's a visually spectacular movie, but - as is often the case with Nolan - a somewhat cold and emotionally unengaging one. It's also overlong and unnecessarily complex. With its dream inside a dream inside a dream inside a dream plotline it felt like Nolan & co. had leapt to the messy threequel without properly exploring what was a fun premise to begin with. And most disappointing of all, certain inconsistencies of plot, unanswered threads, and a two dimensional supporting cast suggested that most hoary of cinematic cliches. While Nolan steered away from explicitly delivering this during the movie's final moments (a la Shyamalan) the film did - perhaps even more frustratingly - hint at it, as though the writers wanted this to be a twist that movie anoraks will debate endlessly for years to come. "Ah, but was his wife telling the truth? Was he actually...?"

But don't let all that put you off. Inception is definitely the best and most imaginative blockbuster of the summer thus far (though it has been a pretty dire summer) and it is a film you ought to see at the cinema. It proves, indisputably, that we don't need 3D to make our eyes pop out. Indeed, 3D would only have spoiled the tremendous sfx on show here, so kudos to Nolan for not jumping on that particular lame bandwagon.

On the Nolan-ometer, Inception falls below Memento, The Prestige and The Dark Knight. It's Batman Begins all over again: thoughtful, fun and spectacular in parts yet too long, too cold and flawed overall. Still, a better flick than many other contemporary film makers could dream of delivering. Just not as gripping as it might have been.

Top Ten Movie Songs

No, not songs from the movies - songs about the movies. And no Celine Dion: guaranteed.



10. Belle & Sebastian - Like Dylan in the Movies

Stuart Murdoch's stalker anthem (one of many!) based around Dylan's famous promo film for Subterranean Homesick Blues. I'm not sure how the two connect, but when the end product sounds this good - who cares?

9. The Auteurs - Underground Movies

Another song I really don't have the first clue about lyrically... but as with most things Luke Haines touches, it has a welcoming seediness.

8. Murder By Death - Holy Lord, Shawshank Redemption Is Such A Good Movie

Murder By Death are great with the titles. This comes from the album Like The Exorcist, But More Breakdancing which also features tracks called: I'm Afraid Of Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf, Intergalactic Menopause and Flamenco's Fuckin' Easy. All inspired titles which the songs in question rarely live up to... how could they?

7. Suzanne Vega (If You Were) In My Movie

Simply put: if you were in Suzanne Vega's movie, you'd get the girl.

6. Death Cab For Cutie - A Movie Script Ending

Death Cab For Cutie believe you can go home again.

5. Thea Gilmore - Movie Kisses

Here it is
The not-so-happy-ending
We've done our picket fence defending
We did Bogart and Bacall and now the spotlight's gone, and anyway
All those movie kisses just last too long

4. Everclear - Songs From An American Movie Part 1

There's something of the David Lynch about many Everclear songs. On the surface: white picket fences. Underneath: darkness.

3. The Long Blondes - Lust In The Movies

I know you think you're in the movies.
You're in the movies and you don't wanna know me.
Well I know all about fear and desire, and I know all about lust, etc.

Edie Sedgwick, Anna Karina, Arlene Dahl.
Edie Sedgwick, Anna Karina, Arlene Dahl.
I just want to be a sweetheart.

I always thought Kate was singing about Tolstoy's tragic heroine Anna Karenina along with cult actresses Edie Sedgwick and Arlene Dahl. I never quite understood why.

Turns out it's actually Danish actress Anna Karina. Well, I never.

2. The Drifters - Kissing In The Back Row Of The Movies

One of those things you dream about doing when you're young and single... then when the opportunity does finally arrive: "Get off me, woman - I want to watch the film!"

1. Okkervil River - Our Life Is Not A Movie Or Maybe

Their best song, it's a lyrical blizzard and no mistaking, with some of the more interesting rhymes you'll hear this week.



Do you have a favourite movie song? Do tell.

Anyone who suggests My Heart Will Go On, Everything I Do (I Do It For You) or Take My Breath Away... don't let the door hit your arse on your way out.

I Write Like...

There's an online oojamaflip I've discovered which purports to examine any writing you paste into it and tell you which famous author you write like. Obviously I was eager to play along...

Firstly I submitted Chapter 1 from my current in-progress novel...

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Really?

I've never read any Doctorow, but I understand he's well-regarded. I wonder if Chapter 2 will bring the same assessment...

I write like
Kurt Vonnegut

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Oh.

I suppose I should take that as a compliment, but it's not really what I was aiming for. A little less mindbending, I think.


How about my previous novel, Imaginary Friends...?

I write like
James Joyce

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Bwahahaha! So you're basically saying my writing is complex to the point of being impenetrable, right? Jeez... no wonder I can't get an agent.

Let's try a short story instead. How about From The Crack Of The Vinyl To The Hiss Of The Tape?

I write like
William Gibson

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

What? Gimme a break - that was hardly cyberpunk.

Let's try Shooting People Is Good...

I write like
Chuck Palahniuk

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

You know, that's the first one I can see. I do sometimes go for a Palahniuk vibe on my short stories.

Let's try I Can Read You Like A Book, one of the most Palahniuk-influenced stories I've written...

I write like
Arthur C. Clarke

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Open the pod bay doors, Hal, I smell a rat.

Let's try something with no literary pretensions whatsoever. How about a radio ad script from my day job...?

I write like
David Foster Wallace

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

DFW is turning in his grave.

It's not complete bollocks though. When I fed in the opening chapter from Stephen King's Bag Of Bones, it identified him straight away. Likewise it was spot on Bram Stoker, Jonathan Swift and Arthur Conan Doyle. But a chunk of Nick Hornby's Juliet, Naked was tagged as Foster Wallace again (sorry Nick, you apparently write radio ads too) while it also confused Douglas Coupland with King, Joseph Heller with JD Salinger, Emily Bronte with Joyce and Dean Koontz with Dan Brown ('ouch!' for Koontz).

As for yesterday's blogpost about the wrong knickers...?

I write like
James Joyce

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

Quite.

Test your own writing and let me know who you write like.



This week's Thoughtballoons character is Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot, The Penguin - waugh! You can read my one-page story here. According to I Write Like, it's very HP Lovecraft...!

The Wrong Knickers

Louise comes downstairs while I'm eating my tea.

"There's a pair of white knickers - from Primark! - in the washing you did over the weekend that AREN'T MINE."

"Well," I splutter, "they're not mine!"

I've never been accused of infidelity before, and though I don't believe Louise is seriously accusing me of it now, the very suggestion still makes me feel insanely guilty. I can feel myself blushing, stammering out possible explanations, getting all needlessly defensive... how the hell can I feel guilty about something I've not actually done? God help me if I'm ever up on an erroneous murder charge.

"But I didn't kill Tom Hanks!"

"You're going down, sunshine!"

Before I continue: a little history. I have never been unfaithful to anyone. I have however been cheated on twice - by two previous partners - so I know exactly how shitty it feels. As a result, no matter the circumstances, I wouldn't ever do that to another human being, particularly not someone I care about. Besides, I'd be rubbish at it. If an unfounded suggestion fills me with this much guilt, imagine what I'd be like if I was actually culpable?

The problem with any such accusation - even one made in jest - is that there's no way to answer it. If you deny it... well, that's exactly what you would do, isn't it? If you make a joke of it... oh, so you think it's funny, do you? The more defensive you get, the more guilty you seem. I really would make a hopeless criminal - but I'd be even worse as "an innocent man charged with a crime he didn't commit".

"But I wasn't anywhere near the building where Bono, Russell Brand and Chris Evans were killed in that suspicious explosion - I swear! The one-armed man did it!"

"Guilty as charged."

However, all that said, if I were to turn heartless cad-bastard overnight, I certainly wouldn't be running around with someone who wears white Primark knickers! Give me some credit! It'd be Anne Summers or Agent Provocateur all the way! And the same goes for if I were to take a sudden turn to transvestism. Stockings and suspenders, darling. Only the best.

Likewise, I think I'd be a bit more careful than to cast my strumpet's nether garments into the weekly wash. And even if I were that stupid, I certainly wouldn't take them out of the wash and hang them on the clothes horse to dry! What am I, a complete idiot?

Fortunately, Louise appears to have answered that question for herself. Or perhaps she's secretly relishing the idea that some other unlucky chump might be about to take me off her hands. As to the mystery knickers, they remain just that. Perhaps they've been left by a malicious prankster out to sow disharmony in Meltham Towers. Or perhaps Louise is so embarrassed by finding such unflattering knicks in the bottom of her drawer, she's blanked out all memory of ever having purchased them. Or perhaps one of our neighbours is sneaking into our house and depositing their tighty-whiteys in our laundry basket because they're too idle to do their own washing? Rest assured, we will get to the bottom of this...

The Post-Birthday World

I always enjoy it when someone takes a genre premise and writes a serious literary novel around it, so Lionel Shriver's Post-Birthday World has been on my hit list for a while now. I was a fan of Shriver already from her last two books, Double Fault and We Need To Talk About Kevin , so I knew exactly what to expect - and this didn't let me down.

PBW follows children's book illustrator Irina McGovern as she's faced with a life-changing decision - whether to kiss a man other than her long term partner Lawrence. The man in question is snooker player Ramsey Acton, a volatile, sexed-up bad boy: the complete opposite of Lawrence. In the moment of that decision, Irina's story diverges into two alternate realities: one where she goes for it and pursues the affair, another where she plays it safe and lives with her regret. Neither turns out the way you'd imagine, though both lead ultimately to the same conclusion.

If the premise sounds a little chick-lit or Sliding Doors, then chances are that's exactly how it'd have turned out from a lesser author. Thankfully Shriver brings weight and depth to the storytelling and shines an uncomfortably bright light on modern romantic relationships that should make even the most secure of readers question the decisions they've made in such matters. As Shriver herself points out in the afterword, "I'm as fascinated with the contrast between going to the supermarket with one man versus another as I am in the difference our selection of partners makes to our careers". What happens to Irina in these split realities proves there's no such thing as a black and white / right and wrong decision in matters of the heart. Whatever you choose, things will go wrong... and right... and wrong again. And there's no such thing as a perfect partner either.

Like David Nicholls' One Day, Shriver's excellent novel traces a path through contemporary history, from the death of Diana to 9/11, using such events to highlight the opinions and attitudes of the central characters and draw parallels between their concurrent storylines. It also mixes real people with fictional - most notably snooker players like Ronnie O'Sullivan and Stephen Hendry who clash with Ramsey in his quest to win the World Championship. (I'm never sure how novelists square such usage against the "all characters are fictional" disclaimer that appears in the front of the book.)
The only problem I had with Double Fault was that sometimes Shriver took the tennis metaphors to a corny extreme that distracted from the story. Here though the snooker forms an amusing and well-researched back drop, though the author does keep self-consciously apologising to American readers who probably won't know the sport from tiddly-winks.

30 Songs - Day 11

Day 11 - A Song From Your Favourite Band

Ah, but my favourite band when?

This week?

This year?

This millennium?

...of the 90s?

...of the 80s?

...of the 70s?

...of the 60s?

...of the 50s?

Or... of all time?

INCEPTION (2010)

MyRating: YYYYY + A CROWN

Director & Writer: Christopher Nolan
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ken Watanabe, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Marion Cotillard, Tom Hardy, Cillian Murphy, Dileep Rao, Tom Berenger, Michael Caine
MPAA: Rated PG-13 for sequences of violence and action throughout

Dom Cobb (DiCaprio) is an extractor, a professional thief who has a very rare skill in stealing secret information from people's dreams. But he is so lost in his missions as he has to pay a big cost that caused him not be able to come home to his family he loved. When a tourist rich businessman, Saito (Watanabe), offers Cobb a mission to infiltrate into the dream of his rival young businessman, Robert Fischer (Murphy) with an exchange for Cobb to get his old life back, Cobb accepts the mission. But this time, the mission is not to steal something from other people's dream, but he has to implant an idea into the target's unconcious mind, and made it as if the idea comes from the target himself. It is called the Inception.

To execute his mission, Cobb gathers a team of experts for this dangerous job, that consists of Arthur (Gordon-Levitt), his long time espionage partner, Ariadne (Page), a young architect who is very talented in creating settings and spaces in dreams, Eames (Hardy), a forger who is the master of disguise, and Yusuf (Rao), a chemist. Together with Saito, they start their heist mission into the target's dream. But they find out that the target is somehow guarded by lots of killer bodyguards in his dream, and they soon turn to become the target themselves. To add the complication, Cobb's past memories of his beautiful wife, Mal (Cottilard), keeps infiltrate into his dream that may jeopardize their mission and shatter Cobb's dream forever.

Once in every few years, usually there will be a movie that is so amazingly and amusingly made that will leave me breathless while watching it. The movie could be so unpredictably and creatively written that makes me wish that I was the writer. And Inception is one of those movies, that comes only once in every few years. And for this, I have to bow my head for Christopher Nolan, who has written such a brilliant, original and wonderful story. This is absolutely a piece of a genius. And Nolan is the genius. The story is captivating, but complex in a clever way, that if you lose your focus for a few seconds, especially in the first half, you may possibly lost in the labyrinth and will not really understand what is happening. You might altogether lost in the dream.

The plot was very well written, so even though the story may complicate your mind and challenge you to think hard, it will slowly guide you and leave your mouth open when you start to realize the logic and the linkage between the plots. The idea of a dream inside a dream (inside a dream of a dream) and the rules of how to survive the dreams was amazing and clever. Actually, Nolan's brilliant ideas struck me again and again throughout the movie. And he likes to tell us in such a way that bends our minds.

Nolan's direction was also superb, adding to his already sophisticated short resume of his high critically acclaimed movies, such as Memento (2000), Insomnia (2002), Batman Begins (2005), The Prestige (2006) and The Dark Knight (2008). The cinematography of this movie was beautiful. The bending world that turned upside down was one interesting scene, after years of stagnation of new and original ideas in Hollywood. The special effects were awesome. And the actions were solid, with quite a lot of actions with well paced tension. The most memorable one will be the scene where Joseph Gordon-Levitt fighting the enemies in a spinning corridor, while running and flying with anti-gravity. That scene was just breathtaking and I believe it has set another iconic action moment in the movie history. You will soon see it becomes a parody elsewhere. The story also has a touching part, when telling the love story between Cobb and his wife. It gave the heart and emotions to the movie. And every explanation that you get in explaining the reasons, will surprise you.

Now, regarding the cast. It was a stellar ensemble of casts. All the actors were doing a very good job. Leonardo DiCaprio was again in his another great role. Not because I like him (which I do), but his acting was just simply excited and solid to watch. And he is so good in choosing the roles that fits him, in his right timing, and this role was one of it. The other actors were also in good forms, especially Ken Watanabe, Tom Hardy, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page and Marion Cottilard, who gave strong performances. Almost all of the casts shine in their roles in this rock solid movie.

To give a perfect closing to the extraordinary journey through the story, this movie gave us a perfect ending. It will make you gasp. Indeed the whole theater, where I watched this movie, did gasp when seeing the very final scene. I think it was a brilliant ending for a brilliant story. Again, one of the best ending in the movie history, that will become a subject of debate for years to come. This movie is a great achievement and a MASTERPIECE. Thanks to Nolan. And it surely will become a classic. I was totally blown away by what I've seen. What a great ride! What a satisfaction! What a movie! (MJ)

Hootiebits The Magic Owl

I hate the abbreviation LOL. I hate it for its scandalous geeky shorthand. I hate it for its stench of hipster exclusivity. I hate it because I have an awful sinking feeling that it was originally devised as TEXT SPEAK - and I deplore the way TEXT SPEAK is destroying our language.

I also hate it because it prevents me from saying that something made me laugh out loud without someone, somewhere thinking I'm saying LOL.

That said - fuck it. Ralph Kidson's latest small press comic made me laugh out loud till I burst something squishy inside. I wish I could explain what it is about Kidson's irreverent cartooning that amuses me so much, but god help us all if he ever calls it a day.

Hootiebits The Magic Owl ("For Adult Birds & Mammals Only") may well be Ralphie's magnum opus. It stars a magic owl who works for god, can travel in space and time (and under the sea) and occasionally kills people (but only 6 in 10,000 years so I wouldn't worry too much). Mostly he just hangs out with his friends, drinks sherry with the Elephant Man, gets drunk and wakes up in bed with Bill Oddie and then goes down the pub with a scented binbag for a ploughman's lunch. (One of his friends, on introduction, made me laugh so much that milk came out of my nose... and I haven't drunk milk since I was 5 years old and they gave it me at school and it made me throw up.)

In fact, I laughed so much I think I need to go read it again. If Hootiebits sounds like your kind of thing, pop on over to Paul Rainey's website where you'll find details on how to email Ralph for a copy of his comic. That might seem like an awful lot of effort, but it's worth every mouseclick.

Predators

Unlike many of my peers, I don't consider the original Predator an action classic... so why, you might ask, did I go see its latest sequel?

The truth is, I've been getting cinema withdrawal. With the exception of Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Orleans, which ran for about five minutes a couple of months ago and I missed because I was on holiday, there hasn't been one film I've remotely wanted to see at the pictures since Four Lions... and that was two months ago. I can't remember the last time I went two months without wanting to go the movies - what a truly dire celluloid summer it's been - what the hell is Hollywood playing at?

Anyway, in preparation for Chris Nolan's Inception, which by now we've probably built up far too much because there's so little else to look forward to, I was finally persuaded to venture back to the local multi-fleapit for Robert Rodriguez's latest reinvention. I kinda wish I hadn't bothered.

Predators isn't so much a bad film as a relentlessly dull one. It does nothing you haven't seen a hundred times before in this kind of movie, and it does so with very little imagination. The original Arnie vehicle just about worked because it offered a certain element of surprise. But once you know that the Predator is the ultimate hunting/killing machine, what else is there to discover? This time there's a bunch of them and some are even more predatory than we've ever seen before? Big deal.

The cast try their best. Adrien Brody is actually not half-bad filling Arnie's shoes, despite the fact that he could happily climb into one of Arnie's shoes and sail it to China. That crumply-faced Mexican-looking bloke who appears in all Rodriguez's films shows up and snarls a bit. Topher Grace is even more slimy than he was in Spider-Man 3. And then there's Walton Goggins...

We were watching Justified the other week (I think Louise has a thing for Timothy Elephant) and when they let Walton Goggins out of jail, and I cheered, Louise turned to me and said, "you love him, don't you?" I couldn't deny it. He was the best thing in The Shield, the best thing in Justified, and now he's the best thing in Predators. When it comes to being an utter sleazeball, Walton Goggins can do no wrong.



The same can't be said of Laurence Fishburne who brings so much ham to his cameo, one of the predators actually chokes to death on him. Which is a blessing for everybody.

Top Ten Television Songs

Well, I did radio, it only follows I continue with a list of my favourite songs about the idiot box...

Special mention goes to two bands names after TVs - Television Personalities and Television. If I ever do a Top Ten about tents, Marquee Moon will be number one.

For any Blur fans wondering where Graham Coxon's Coffee & TV is, I'm saving that for the Coffee Top Ten. No, seriously.


10. The Handsome Family - All The TVs In Town

You can’t see the stars
Above the city skyline
But sometimes the air shines like gold
Under the yellow street lights

The psychotics in the park
Howling up at the sky
And the silent airplanes
Slowly drifting by

Sometimes it all seems to glow
As bright as the lights
From all the TVs in town

But when I wake up scared
In those still summer nights
When the air hangs like snakes
Around flashing neon signs

It seems like there’s nothing
Along these broken roads
But blinking lights on creaking metal poles

Ah, Rennie Sparks. Lyrical poet.

9. I Am Kloot - 86 TVs

I really should pick up the new I Am Kloot album. The reviews seem to suggest they're finally ready for their Elbow moment (years spent flogging a horse that only a few people realise isn't dead... until said horse is reborn as a stallion).

8. Billy Joel - Sleeping With The Television On

I am the product of a misspent youth spent listening to Billy Joel records. See also 'Close To The Borderline' in which Billy sagely notes, "I don't change channels so they must change me".

7. Pulp - TV Movie

Without you my life has become a hangover without end
A movie made for TV: bad dialogue,
Bad acting, no interest.
Too long with no story & no sex.

See also Clem Snide's Made For TV Movie, Everclear's TV Show and Bruce's TV Movie.

6. Mansun - Television

Overblown, theatrical instrumentation? Check.

Pretentious lyrics? Check.

Every album a concept album> Check.

So why did Muse become massive and Mansun disappear? Paul Draper was robbed.

5. Airborne Toxic Event - I Don't Want To Be On TV

I don't.

I've worked with a TV crew twice in my life, recording two separate documentaries, and both times I've found them peopled by arrogant tosspots who thought everybody else existed purely to do their bidding.

Apologies if you work in TV and you're the exception to that rule.

4. Ned's Atomic Dustbin - Kill Your Television

Music blogger Friend Of Rachel Worth over at Cathedrals Of Sounds has a regular feature in which he names Bands That Should Have Been Bigger Than The Beatles. I thoroughly agree with many of his suggestions, including Spearmint, Furniture and The Pearlfishers. Even if they'd never released a record, Ned's Atomic Dustbin deserve pop sainthood for their name alone.

3. Bruce Springsteen - 57 Channels (And Nothing On)

The early 90s is generally considered Bruce's creative nadir. Releasing two albums on the same day is always a sign that something's up (see also GnR - though Use Your Illusion I & II were slightly less disappointing than Lucky Town and Human Touch). This is probably the best track he recorded between Tunnel Of Love and The Rising, and the lyrics hint at just why his mojo went astray.

I bought a bourgeois house in the Hollywood hills
With a truckload of hundred thousand dollar bills
Man came by to hook up my cable TV
We settled in for the night my baby and me
We switched 'round and 'round 'til half-past dawn
There was fifty-seven channels and nothin' on

Never trust any artist who's so content the only thing they've got to complain about is "there's nowt worth watching on TV".

2. Disposable Heroes Of Hiphoprisy - Television, The Drug Of The Nation

This was one of the toughest Top Ten decisions I've had to face. Which is the better television tune, the Disposable Heroes... or the track that - by toss of a coin alone - made it to Number One? Both are essential listening, and yet they're also somewhat surprising choices that venture a little further from my usual whiteboy indie/rock safety zone.

T.V. is the reason why less than ten percent of our nation reads books daily...

1. Gil Scott Heron - The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

There will be no highlights on the eleven o'clock
news and no pictures of hairy armed women
liberationists and Jackie Onassis blowing her nose.
The theme song will not be written by Jim Webb,
Francis Scott Key, nor sung by Glen Campbell, Tom
Jones, Johnny Cash, Englebert Humperdink, or the Rare Earth.
The revolution will not be televised.

No, the theme song will be written by Gil Scott Heron... and lo, it shall be genius.



So... which TV track would have you refusing to change the channel?

Thoughtballoons - Aquaman

This week's Thoughtballoons character is Aquaman. Yes, the guy who talks to the fishies. I feel bad for Aquaman. Nobody knows what to do with him anymore. They're always killing him off and resurrecting him for cheap drama with some ludicrous new power of something, the latest example of which is just one more cynically death-obsessed reason why I don't read DC superhero comics any more. So this story isn't so much a dig at Aquaman, but a dig at all the people who've dissed him over the years... and all the writers who can't think of anything interesting to do with our undersea champion (myself included).

Read my Aquaman story here. Then check out the other guy's 1-pagers... they've treated the King of the Seas with a little more dignity.

30 Songs - Day 10

Day 10 - A Song That Makes You Fall Asleep



Back in my early 20s, I went through the worst bout of insomnia I've ever suffered. I was working nights at the time, getting home at about 3am, then catching maybe a couple of hours sleep (if I was lucky) before dawn jolted me awake. This went on night after night for weeks on end. I went to the doctors, I chewed sleeping tablets like Opal Fruits, I did strange relaxation exercises involving lots of ommmmmms... nothing had any effect.

Then one night I put on Hats by the Blue Nile. It was, and probably still is, the most chilled-out record in my collection. I defy you to put this record on late at night and try to stay awake beyond this... the first...

ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Funk

Some days you just wonder why you bother. The whole world seems against you and there's no point fighting it. Things you'd normally laugh off, or at least banish from your mind as inconsequential, rise up to become insurmountable. All effort seems pointless. You feel like you've wasted your life and it's too late to do anything about it. You feel old and worthless and tired, and you'd welcome armageddon as a relief. You stare blankly at the computer screen and know that nothing you type will ever make any difference to anybody. The flashing cursor is taunting you. None of your usual distractions bring any pleasure or relief. You want to crawl back into bed, pull the covers up over your head, and wish the world away.

What do you do, when you're in a funk? Do you have a guaranteed get-out-of-misery card to play whenever the tsunami of existential ennui crashes over you? Go on, clue me in. How do you get through to tomorrow?

I could do with a laugh.

Synchrony Four

The long awaited fourth issue of Andrew Cheverton's small press anthology Synchrony has recently slithered out into the world and it's an enticing bag of genre-leaping shorts, beginning with Auto-Lolita, the story of a pleasure-droid with an attitude that goes beyond sexy. Then Chev teams up with West colleague Tim Keable for a flower picking, rooftop swinging, zombie-avoiding adventure called The Scent Of Coriander. Chev loves him some zombies, but he's about far more than the head-shooting action, as this touching tale shows. There's more heart to be found in the breakdown fable Cracks, and Moon, a self-illustrated 1-pager that manages to say so much with so little. Finally Chev teams up with artist Dan Lester and takes aim for your funny bone with Rod Hull & Emo, of which Lee & Herring fans would surely approve.

I admire Chev's ability to tell such tales in so few pages - I struggle so much to keep my own PJANG page counts to single figures to satisfy those busy, busy small press artists who don't have all day to be drawing other people's scripts... Chev makes it look easy in this excellent, diverse and enthralling collection. Check out Synchrony #4 and some of Chev's other still-in-print books here. They're well worth your time and your pennies.