Book Review - Luther: The Calling by Neil Cross

I'm a huge fan of the BBC crime drama Luther, starring Idris Elba as the eponymous hardbitten London cop, so I was eager to read the prequel novel written by series creator Neil Cross. It reveals the investigation of which John Luther is still feeling the fall-out when the show began, both professionally (via internal affairs) and personally (his wife left him for another man during the case). You don't need to know anything of the show to enjoy the book, though picturing Elba's imposing form will help you get into the character (indeed, Cross reveals in author's notes that the character wasn't complete until Elba was cast). As a novelist, Cross has a gripping, no-nonsense style that propels the plot forwards while still finding time for character moments and black humour. It's everything I'd hoped for... but this review does come with one warning.

Luther is a dark and extremely violent show. Likewise, the book pulls no punches - yet I've always found violence on the page to be far more affecting / disturbing than on the screen. You use your imagination more as a reader... and there are some extremely horrific scenes here. There's also a recurring theme of cruelty to animals which I always find harder to stomach than violence against humans. And when even Luther gets involved, dangling a dog from a balcony while trying to extract information from a its lowlife owner, Cross almost lost my sympathy for his hero. Desperate times call for desperate measures, but even anti-heroes need to know where to draw the line...

Oh My God - They Killed House!

You bastards!

(Spoilers ahead, obviously.)

I actually thought they'd done it too.

Last episodes are always tricky things to get right. There are certain fundamental elements the audience wants, expects, demands. And top of that list is a happy ending. We've lived with these characters, followed their adventures... laughed, cried, got angry and shared every other emotion with them... for eight whole years. If we're never going to see them again, we want to know they're riding off into the sunset, that they've finally found happiness.

The problem with a character, and a show, like House is that its basic philosophy goes against all that. In real life, House always reminds us, for some people at least, there are no happy endings. They've made a big point of that over the last eight seasons. Just when you thought you knew where a story was going, they always managed to pull the rug out from under you. That's the nature of good detective fiction (a genre which House has always belonged to - don't let anyone kid you it's a medical drama): there has to be a twist at the end that you didn't see coming. So much of the storytelling in this show is built upon dramatic irony... so when House's best / only friend Wilson was revealed as an oncologist dying of the very disease he's been helping people deal with throughout his entire medical career, it would have been a huge cop out to have House cure him. Even though House cures everything!

So Wilson had to die. And House had to either find another reason to go on living... or follow / precede his friend to the grave. Because the only other option would be to give in to sentimentality, and this is a show that has fought sentimentality at every available opportunity.

That's why I thought they'd actually killed him. Even though I knew they couldn't. Despite the fact that it was the last ever episode, despite the fact they'd titled it "Everyone Dies", despite the fact that it would have been the ultimate dramatic irony: the final lesson House learns for definite - there are no happy endings. Just like he'd been telling everyone all along.

In the end though, it would have been a colossal bummer to end the show like that. So they found a way to have their cake and eat it. House dies, he loses / sacrifices the only thing that gave his life meaning. And yet he lives. Why? Because the world's biggest misanthrope cares more about his best friend than he does himself. So House and Wilson get to ride off into the sunset after all... not a happy ending if you dwell on it, but for that one perfect moment, exactly what they - and we - needed.

Goodbye then, Gregory House M.D. I'll miss you, you cantankerous old bastard.

Book Review: I, Patridge by Alan Partridge

There were sections of Alan Patridge's autobiography (ghost-written by Rob & Neil Gibbons, Steve Coogan and Armanda Iannucci) which I found heartbreakingly sad. The foreword, for example, is little more than a bland employer's reference which describes our hero as "honest and trustworthy... a relatively good ambassador for the station... with an average of 1.5 sick days taken per year of employment". The joke, of course, is that for all Alan's supposed celebrity pals (Bill Oddie and Sue Cook among them), the best he can get anyone to write about the chronicle of his life is "I would have no hesitation in recommending him". That's funny, yes, but I also find it terribly pathetic (in all possible definitions of that word), and it's that pathos which makes the character of Alan Patridge more than just an egomaniac media monster. It makes him tragically real. Especially for someone who's worked in the awful industry of local radio where Alan has spent the majority of his career since he "shot a man through the heart with a gun" on the final episode of his ill-fated BBC TV chat show.

I, Partridge is a hilarious pastiche of the kind of woeful celebrity memoir that clogs the bestseller lists around Christmas, and like many such books it's most successful in the earlier chapters (revealing insight's into Alan's childhood) and the mid-section (the material already immortalised in Alan's various TV outings). The gags-per-page ratio drops towards the end as Alan's career slumps further into obscurity as mid-morning present on North Norfolk Digital (North Norfolk's Best Music Mix), but there are some very funny moments along the way and plenty of hideously overwitten prose. My favourite bit was the blackly comic role call of young Alan's first radio comrades, including...

Brian Golding. 'Bonkers' Bri combined a wacky sense of humour with a genuine mental illness and went on to co-host Drive Time on Signal Radio before killing himself in 1991.

There's something to Alan's pompous, self-important tone that makes me cringe for myself too. Reading his book comes a little too close to reading a really bad blog (say, for example, this one). He's even included his own playlist, to be enjoyed during specific chapters, featuring all the usual suspects (Midge Ure, Fleetwood Mac, Classix Nouveau, and, of course, Abba) having long since reached "a startling but unshakeable conclusion: no genuinely good music has been created since 1988". It almost me want to chuck in blogging and go find something less embarrassing to do with my time. Maybe we've all got a little bit of Alan in us...

Movie Review: Sherlock Homes - A Game Of Shadows

Let's not dwell too much on Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows. I didn't like the first one, and despite all the reviewers (Steve included) telling me the sequel was an improvement, I found it... sedimentary, my dear Watson.

Guy Ritchie's freezeframe-the-action-sequences direction is completely lacking in excitement (God, I'm sick of bullet time). Robert Downey Jr. is wasted... again... though not as much as the original Dragon Tattoo girl, Noomi Rapace, utterly thrown away in her debut Hollywood role. Worst of all, there's no mystery whatsoever. The world's greatest detective is given nothing tougher than a mild Sudoko to puzzle over. The crime even Sherlock Holmes can't solve... what happened to all the mystery?

As for gags... even Stephen Fry struggles to raise a smile, getting his kit off as a last resort. Mad Man Jared Harris as Moriarty is the film's sole redeeming feature, but he's fighting an uphill struggle all the way to the Reichenback Falls. Speaking of death-defying escapes... just count yourself lucky, Guy Ritchie. If I'd seen this film one week earlier, it would have crashed into my Top Five Worst Movies of 2011 right behind Transformers 2.

Thank god for the REAL Sherlock... now that's the way to do it!

2011 - TV of the Year

My annual countdown looking back on the best bits of the dying year begins here... with the magical tellybox. This year I've had to suffer the loss of Lost and 365 days without 24. So what's taken their places? Not The Walking Dead (or The Treading Water as we've renamed the lacklustre second series; inspired mid-season climax not withstanding) or True Blood (though the camp monstrosity of Denis O'Hare's Russell Edgington almost brought it home, we did have to balance that with the whole "Sookie is a Faerie" nonsense, and not enough Jason or Lafayette). Speaking of O'Hare, I'm still undecided about American Horror Story. The more ridiculous and implausible it becomes, the more I find it a guilty pleasure, and there are some great performances from O'Hare, Jessica Lange and Six Feet Under's Frances Conroy (slumming it). But... I can't help but feel they're making it up as they go along. And as for Smallville...

As usual, I've probably forgotten some shows that ran earlier in the year. Special runner's up prize goes to Fresh Meat, which is probably a better show than half the ones listed below, but hasn't yet wormed its way into my subconscious. Next year, it could well be Top Ten. For anyone who's read these lists in years gone by, the Top Fifteen will contain few surprises...

15. Castle

Occupying the same slot it did on last year's countdown, Castle continues to be a great example of comfort food telly, thanks largely to the charming Nathan Fillion. That said, they did shake up the formula somewhat at the end of Season 3, so I'm intrigued to see where it goes from here.

14. The Hour

Dominic West comes home from Baltimore for a show that's about as far away from The Wire as possible. He's still got that devilish twinkle in his eye as 50s newscaster Hector Madden and, along with Ben Whishshaw and Romola Garai, West helped make this show more than just a British Mad Men.

13. Rev.

A rarity in sitcom world, Tom Hollander's Rev is both witty and thought-provoking. It's not afraid to swerve away from the obvious laugh in favour of deeper, sadder, yet more honest resolutions. And it has genuine character development. Excellent cast (particularly Simon McBurney as Archdeacon Robert) and some top draw cameos from the likes of Sylvia Sims and Richard E. Grant. Even Dawkins would be swayed by the Reverend Adam Smallbone.

12. Monk

Farewell, then, Adrian Monk. More comfort food telly, Tony Shalhoub's OCDetective always reminded me of the kind of show I'd have watched when I was a kid... the kind I didn't think they made anymore. Despite its formulaic nature, Monk managed to make me laugh out loud and cry real tears on more than one occasion. I'm glad they gave him a happy ending.

11. Nurse Jackie

Sadly stolen from our screens by the Evil Murdoch Empire, I've no idea when I'll get to watch the third and fourth seasons, but Season 2 had me itching for more of Edie Falco's self-destructive uber-nurse. Guess I'll be waiting for the DVD...

10. Fringe

No idea where Fringe is going this season, but as long as John Noble continues to give us his alternately hilarious and heartbreaking portrayal of Dr. Walter Bishop, I'll not miss an episode.

9. Psychoville

Not now, Silent Singer!



8. Justified

Come season 2, Walton Goggins got some serious competition in the sneaky scenery chewing stakes from Margo Martindale as malicious matriarch Mags Bennet. Together, they even encouraged Timothy Olyphant to raise his game. A sly, witty show not afraid to break with formula: Elmore Leonard must be proud.

7. This Is England '88

More merry misery from Shane Meadows. I just love Woody's banter...



6. Mad Men

Another one stolen by Murdoch's Evil Sky Atlantic. Don Draper would not approve...

5. Luther

Told he probably wasn't getting a third series, Luther creator Neil Cross went all out to make the second as grim and nihilistic as possible. With random hammer-killing twins and a violent, clown-masked psycho it made Silence of the Lambs look like Playschool. And somehow granted the show a reprieve: season 3 is currently being filmed. Idris Elba: another member of the Wire alumni come home and made good.

4. Doctor Who

The Stephen Moffat Renaissance continues. Matt Smith cements his place as Best 21st Century Doctor. And Who finally became a show about Time Travel!

3. Frozen Planet

Who cares if they faked the baby polar bear scene? This was still jaw-dropping, eye-popping TV that finally justified the invention of HD and made us all fall in love with penguins. Again.

2. Forbrydlesen / Forbrydelsen II (The Killing)

Like a Danish Jack Bauer, Sarah Lund scowled her way into our hearts with a selection of chunky jumpers (which she even wears when visiting Afghanistan) and a single-minded, self-sacrificing determination to crack the case... even if it takes 20 episodes to do so. Roll on season 3... sadly planned to be the last.

1. House

Cuddy and Thirteen both walked out on him, but House survives (even prison couldn't reform him!), with a couple of new assistants to torment and a new boss (the best choice) to aggravate. As long as he's got Wilson, he'll be OK. But will this be the last series of House too? Hugh - no!

Evil Advertising McMonsters Hollywoodise My Hometown

I realise that by embedding the above video into my blog, I could be seen to be promoting the company in question... but they're such a ubiquitous Big Evil Corporation that I doubt one extra blogpost will affect their fortunes and if you're daft enough to read this post and go out and buy one of their "cooked meat" in "bread" products as a result... well, more fool you.

Anyway, the new McDimbulbs advert was filmed in Huddersfield. I'm not sure I'd have recognised this had someone not pointed it out to me. If you haven't seen it on your telly-box (I had to youtube it), it involves a young man (they all look young to me these days) singing the old Lerner & Loewe classic 'On The Street Where You Live' while he walks through town to get his McBreakfast. Except this guy has the worst sense of direction - he is in serious need of a SatNav. He begins his journey just outside Big Evil Corporation II, Tesco (ours is The Tesco Time Forgot - the only thing that's changed since it opened in the 80s is the prices). Conveniently though, The TTF has been edited out of the opening shot; we wouldn't want to promote a competitor, would we, McLads?

Anyway, our hero then walks under the grim Northern viaducts, heading in the correct direction (his goal is now about 30 seconds away) before he turns and starts walking back where he just came from. Next he finds himself a few blocks downtown by the Adult Cinema (also conveniently airbrushed out of existence) before walking past a launderette... in Fartown*. Which is a five minute bus ride away. Suddenly, he's on Cross Church Street, and heading in the right direction once again. Someone's even conveniently built an Abbey Road style zebra crossing to help him find his way. I'm surprised they didn't paint arrows on the shop windows too. Once again, he almost reaches his destination... when he detours along a side street packed with market stalls (which must have been blown a couple of blocks north by the strong Pennine winds). He takes time to flirt with a random woman (she's humouring him; she's already seen him walk past three times that morning)... and finally, he's there! Just in time to sink his choppers into one of those infamous "cooked meat" in "bread" combos before the men in the white van arrive to speed him back to the happy place.

It's all filmed in glorious HD technicolour supervision so golden and sunshiny it makes my home town look like Narnia. Now don't get me wrong, Huddersfield is a very nice place (I won't hear a word said against it... unless it's by me). But these aren't the streets where I live. It's Hollywood Huddersfield. I'm surprised he doesn't bump into Tom Hanks on his journey. (Maybe Tom finally heard about my sniper rifle.) Like the majority of advertising, it's one big, fat lie after another. Still... it's better than another repeat of Last of the Summer Wine. Just.

Has Television, Cinema or Evil Advertising ever distorted your hometown beyond all recognition?




(*I should point out to non-locals, this is pronounced "Far-town". Just as the nearby Penistone is pronounced "Penn-is-ton". Sorry.)

Movie Review - Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

Do you remember that old 70s TV sketch (I thought it was The Two Ronnies, but the internet is letting me down) where two spies meet on a park bench and speak in ever-more ridiculous code phrases? "The cuckoo flies backwards over the windmill at midnight." Despite the absence of such corny tropes, I couldn't quite take the latest adaptation of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy seriously. Everyone involved tried very hard to convince me, but the cuckoo got lost in the dark.

I've never read John Le Carre's classic spy novel, nor do I remember the 70s TV version starring Alec Guinness. I can't help but imagine both told this story with less clunk. Characters forced to spout whole chapters of exposition in one speech, flashbacks upon flashbacks upon flashbacks, a myriad of meaningful glances from the top drawer of scenery chewing thesps... and still I had little clue what was actually going on.

And though the cast is undeniably talented, hardly anyone stands out. In the central role as retired master spy George Smiley, Gary Oldman gives Ewan McGregor a run for his money in the "Who can do the best Alec Guinness impersonation?" stakes. Mark Strong gives good hangdog. Tom Hardy looks like Terry from Minder. Colin Firth is way too slimy to be trusted. Toby Jones barks in Scottish. Benedict Cumberbatch tones down the Holmesian kookiness. John Hurt is John Hurt. Only Kathy Burke really impresses as a former secretary denied access to her secrets and missing the bad old days. The period detail is excellent though, I definitely felt like I'd been transported back to 1973. What a grey, dismal and depressing year that was. I'm glad I was only 1.

Top Ten Sci Fi Hero Songs

Because I figured we all needed a break from songs about hating your job, quitting your job and arguing with the Job Centre... here's something completely different.

My Top Ten Sci Fi Hero Songs

10. Kim Wilde - Blade Runner

(From 'Teases & Dares'.)

Yes, Kim Wilde wrote a song about Blade Runner, along with her dad Marty. Marty Wilde, not Marty McFly. I bet she's seen things you people just wouldn't believe.

9. Weird Al Yankovich - Yoda

(From 'The Essential Weird Al Yankovic'.)

Song about powerful Jedi master, Weird Al does, hmm? To the tune of Lola by the Kinks, he sings. Lyrics about how he met this wise muppet in a swamp on Dagobah, he writes. Mention awful sequels, he does not. Smart man, yes?

8. Julian Cope - Mad Max

(From 'Autogeddon'.)

Julian doesn't mean to hold a gun up to your head. I guess he leaves that sort of thing to Max Rockatansky.

7. Suede - Metal Mickey

(From 'Suede'.)

OK, he's hardly the world's greatest sci fi hero... but he was better than ALF. The song isn't really about him anyway.

6. Bellatrix - Jediwannabe

(From 'It's All True'.)



Icelandic indie chicks give great geek-rock - complete with retro-80s "boop boop!" laser beam vocals. And I just discovered their album also contains a track called Daredevil... where were they when I did my Top Marvel Comics Songs?

The nerds of a new age

Are coming up to take the stage...

They're coming round...

They're crawling into my bed.

Whatever gets you off, love.

5. The Timelords (KLF) - Doctorin' The Tardis

(From 'The History Of Jams a.k.a. The Timelords'.)

This track already made it onto my Top Ten Doctor Songs, but Who's counting?

4. Catatonia - Mulder & Scully

(From 'International Velvet'.)

I still have a great fondness for Mulder and Scully, and for the way Cerys Matthews sings their names in her razor-blade-throated Welsh. "This could be a case for Murrlder and Scccurlee!"

Special mention goes to Millennium, the X-Files spin-off, starring Lance Henriksen as Frank Black from the Pixies.

3. Spizz Energi - Where's Captain Kirk?

(From 'Where's Captain Kirk: the Very Best of Spizz Energi'.)

Spizz gets beamed aboard the Enterprise, meets all the crew, goes Warp Factor 2, but can't find Captain Kirk. But wait - there's a twist coming that would make Shatner proud. And just to balance things out, they also recorded a song called Spock's Missing.

REM have also covered this. Sadly....... theShathasn't. Yet.

Oh, and lest we forget... there's Klingons off the starboard bow, Jim.

2. Feeder - Buck Rogers

(From 'Echo Park'.)

This is what happens if you get a house in Devon and drink cider from a lemon. Could be worse, you could end up in the 25th Century wearing a white spandex jump suit, with only Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes and the universe's most annoying robot for company. ("Bidee-bidee-bidee... right, Buck!") Still, it wasn't all bad. Let's not forget Wilma Deering.

1. Queen - Flash

(From 'Flash Gordon Soundtrack'.)

Because, come on, let's face it - he saved every one of us. And he only had fourteen hours to do it.

Altogether now... "GORDON'S ALIVE!!!"



So who got lost in the black hole? "Brown Eyed Han Solo Man"? "Things (From Another World) Can Only Get Better"? "I'm ET Like Sunday Morning?" Boldly go into the comments section now...

The Apple

Just before the recent TV adaptation aired, I reviewed Michel Faber's excellent novel The Crimson Petal And The White and predicted...

"For all its excellent cast (including the always watchable Chris O'Dowd, Richard E. Grant and - yay! - Scully), sparkling script, grubby period detail, kinky costume drama romping and acres of naked flesh and naughtiness... it's not a patch on the novel."

Well, I couldn't have been more right. As enjoyable as the TV version may have been, I still walked away unsatisfied. The pictures are always better inside your head.

Thankfully, that's when I discovered The Apple, a short collection of stories which return us to the world of The Crimson Petal, offering tantalising glimpses into the past and future of our favourite character's. So we learn how Sugar spent Christmas Day while she was still living in Mrs. Castaway's whorehouse, discover how a common housefly destroys Bodley's libido, and find out how young Sophie grows up to become a champion of women's rights. And while William Rackham grows old and bitter, Clara, his former maid takes to the street to survive and ends up involved in a darkly comic dalliance with The Rat Man, who insists she let one fingernail grow without being cut or chewed...

Imagination, revelation, wit, warmth and sparkling prose. If you enjoyed the novel, or even the TV adap, I'd recommend you track down a copy of The Apple.

The Crimson Petal And The White

Here's something you won't have read on this blog before - a TV preview. A review of a TV show that hasn't yet aired. The Crimson Petal And The White debuts on UK TV this Wednesday at 9pm, and though I haven't seen it, I can review it with confidence.

"For all its excellent cast (including the always watchable Chris O'Dowd, Richard E. Grant and - yay! - Scully), sparkling script, grubby period detail, kinky costume drama romping and acres of naked flesh and naughtiness... it's not a patch on the novel."

I say that without any fear of retraction because - having just finished reading the 830 pages of source material - no adaptation could ever do it justice. I've been a fan of Michel Faber for some time, and have read just about everything he's written - from his debut novel, Under The Skin, through to his most recent, The Fire Gospel, plus his excellent short story collection The Farenheit Twins and Whitby-based novella The Hundred And Ninety Nine Steps. Yet I've been holding off on tackling his most acclaimed text for two reasons... firstly the genre, a postmodern take on Dickensian Victoriana... and secondly the size. 830 small-type pages... I knew this was one I couldn't finish in a week.

But the news of its forthcoming BBC adaptation finally forced me to take action. And though it did take me the best part of a month, I relished every grubby period detail and wickedly complex character. The book tells the tale of Sugar, a teenage prostitute on the streets of 1860s London, and her gradual ascent and escape thanks to cunning, caring, and her relationship with a slimy rake businessman. It's earthy, bawdy, hilarious and horrifying, creating vivid mental images (which can only be flattened by the TV screen) and constantly switching the reader's affections, allegiances and sympathies between a wide cast of streetwalkers, society types and sociopaths. (From a writer's perspective, I found it both educational and inspirational.) It embraces the genre it subverts - by the throat - but does so through such a warm, welcoming narrative that I didn't ever want it to end.

"So there you have it: the thoughts (somewhat pruned of repetition) of William Rackham as he sits on his bench in St James's Park. If you are bored beyond endurance, I can offer my promise that there will be fucking in the very near future, not to mention madness, abduction, and violent death."

2010 - TV Of The Year

"I don't watch a lot of TV but..." could well become a catchphrase round these parts. Here's what's kept me glued to the idiot box this year...

15. Castle

Castle isn't great TV. It's formulaic as hell. The scripts rarely get beyond workmanlike. It has none of the sparkle of Moonlighting or even Remington Steel, which it so carefully models itself on. And yet, I can't stop watching it - for two great reasons. The main one being Nathan Fillion, who - after Firefly and Dr. Horrible - I have a heckuva lot of time for. He's one of those actors who can make even the corniest of lines raise a smile, and who has more charisma in his eyebrow than I have in my whole body. And then there's the improbably named Stana Katic who's grown beyond just another unbelievably pretty American TV cop to develop actual chemistry with her goofball co-star that often goes beyond what the scriptwriters can bother to deliver. They make an engaging pair... to the point where I'm also tempted to check out Ms. Katic's previous role...

...but I just know I'd be disappointed.

I've always been a sucker for quirky detective shows and now Monk has hung up his OCD mac (though we've still to see the final series in the UK), Castle fills that gap nicely.

14. La La Land

In which guerrilla comedian Marc Wootton takes his hideous creations Gary Garner (a wannabe Jason Statham), Brendan Allen (a kamikaze documentary maker with no ideas of his own) and Shirley Ghostman (a disgraced psychic) to Hollywood... where everyone takes him far too seriously.



13. Luther

Stringer Bell escapes Baltimore and comes home to London where Idris Elba's maverick cop teams up with a cold-as-ice murderer (an inspired, nutty-as-a-fruitcake turn from Ruth Wilson) and tries to keep his job while his best friend goes mental, his wife shacks up with a one time Doctor Who, and everyone wants his badge. This show got better the more extreme it became, leading to a genuinely exciting climax. Disappointing then that the Beeb seem to committed to only two new episodes next year.

12. True Blood

A curious show in which the main characters are also the least interesting and most annoying. If True Blood was just about Sookie and Bill, I'm not sure I'd still be bothered. Fortunately Season 2 brought other characters to the fore - notably Eric, Sam, Lafayette, Jessica and Jason. If they made Jason the star, I'd watch this show forever.

11. The Trip

Sending Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon off on a tour of the north's favourite poncey restaurants could easily have been a luvvie-fest of tedious proportions. Fortunately director Michael Winterbottom had other plans, playing with our expectations of both performers, letting them riff mercilessly, and revealing unexpectedly dark and touching aspects to their "characters" in the process. At times laugh-out-loud funny, at other times really quite sweet.



10. Nurse Jackie

Like ER's wicked step-sister, this is the show that proves everything you always suspected about hospitals. The staff are sicker than the patients. Edie Falco's philandering, pill-popping, mercy killing head nurse is scarier even than a Carry On matron.

9. Justified

When The Shield wrapped, it was a dark day for fans of Walton (Shane) Goggins. Apart from an amusing turn in the otherwise woeful Predators, where would we see our favourite bad boy again? Luckily he turned up as a thorn in Timothy Olyphant's side in Justified... then went and found God and got really messed up. Olyphant in a sheriff's hat is always good value, but it's Goggins who makes this show unmissable. Glad to see he'll be back for season two.

8. Sherlock

Everything that needs to be said has already been said, far more incisively, by others. Sherlock wasn't perfect (the middle episode sagged), but it really shouldn't have worked at all. Yet Benedict Cumberbatch's ADHD Holmes and (particularly) Martin Freeman's warm everyman Watson provided essential viewing, not to mention that sly but nail-biting Moriarty cliffhanger which left us all begging for more.

7. Fringe

This was the year that Fringe finally found its feet and stepped out of the knock-off X-Files box as alternate realities went to war, fake Olivia swapped places with real Olivia, Peter (Pacey) bedded fake Olivia by accident, and Walter Bishop - always the star of the show - offered his son some typically skewed words of comfort...

"In the seventies I innocently wandered in the wrong home and it was three days before I realized my mistake. And unlike Olivia, the woman I was sharing a bed with didn't look like my wife at all."

6. 24

For my full tribute to Jack Bauer, click the link.

5. Doctor Who

Finally, everything clicked with me and New Who. Mainly due to the departure of Russell T. Davies and the stepping up of Stephen Moffat, a writer who understands both sci fi and characterisation - and actually gets the possibilities of time travel too. Credit must also go to Matt Smith. Whereas Eccleston's Doctor was a little too reluctant and Tennant's occasionally over the top, Smith pitched it just right. And then there's Karen Gillen - the least annoying Doctor Who companion since Romana... and easiest on the eye since Peri Brown.

4. This Is England '86

Part hilarious nostalgia piece, part harrowing social drama... and featuring Flip and his gang of moped-riding goons: TV idiots of the year.



3. Mad Men

How could Mad Men top the assassination of JFK? Easy, by getting Don and Peggy to work through the night on a campaign while Don's world fell apart around him. Best single episode of any show this year - though the rest wasn't too shabby either.

RIP, Mrs. Blankenship.

2. Lost

It was never going to please everybody, but the Lost finale satisfied me, wrapping up enough of the mysteries, answering enough of the questions, and managing to give even long-dead characters a happy ending... of sorts. Plus, Sawyer got away. That'll do me.

1. House

House beat everything else for me this year, though admittedly I have been catching up. Season 6, starting with House in the loony bin, was the best yet... and while Season 7 (House in love!) isn't quite up to that standard, that's only because I'm scared that a happy House cannot last... and I care so much about this character, I really don't want to see him hurt any more.

Hugh Laurie is the highest paid TV star in the world? Hugh Laurie!?

Deservedly so.

Monsters

Suggested alternate straplines for the movie Monsters...

Monsters - the monster movie for people who like indie relationship dramas.

Monsters - the monster movie for people who don't mind not really seeing any monsters till the last 15 minutes.

Monsters - the monster movie where all the fx were done on the director's pc but you'll be hard pressed to tell the difference from a multi-million dollar Hollywood blockbuster.

Monsters - the monster movie for people who like actors with silly names that might have come from The Day Today, such as Scoot McNairy and Whitney Able.

Monsters - because you can never get enough alien octopus sex.

Monsters - I liked it, I bet Kelvin hates it.

Monsters - it's scary... but not as scary as the Norwegian TV promo videos below.





Actors will do anything for money.

Simon King's Wild Life

Wildlife photographer and TV presenter Simon King has led a very fortunate life. He's done what many of us aspire to - he's lived his dream. Simon's specific dream has always been to study and observe and get as close to the natural world as possible, and he's pursued that goal with a single-minded determination that is admirable. It's true that part of Simon's success is down to knowing the right people - he makes no bones about the fact that his father worked for the BBC and introduced him to many of the contacts that helped forward his career. But I don't think that's the only reason for his success. His talent, dedication, hard work and genuine passion for nature is evident in everything he does.

It's not as though he hasn't had to make sacrifices for his work too. While much of this book involves the thrills and spills of wildlife photography - from being swarmed by killer bees to almost losing a finger to a panicking otter to being attacked by a rabid cheetah and having fire ants bite into your manhood - King also talks movingly about the death of his dad and the end of his first marriage - a clear choice between being a stay-at-home family man and a full time nature-chaser.

"I was one of the luckiest men alive, still am. I reasoned that life would always throw up challenges, and compromises would always have to be made. As long as I was still able to feel the wind on my face and get pleasure from it, I would try to juggle the loves of my life so that none suffered from too great a neglect."

Reading Wild Life, I felt a degree of envy for the life Simon King has led. But not for the sacrifices he's made. As exciting an idea as living amongst lions, elephants or albatross might be, I wouldn't want to give up my home comforts to do it. I'm glad there are people like King who are obsessed with wildlife to such an extent - and that they're happy to share their obsession with us.

Top Ten Television Songs

Well, I did radio, it only follows I continue with a list of my favourite songs about the idiot box...

Special mention goes to two bands names after TVs - Television Personalities and Television. If I ever do a Top Ten about tents, Marquee Moon will be number one.

For any Blur fans wondering where Graham Coxon's Coffee & TV is, I'm saving that for the Coffee Top Ten. No, seriously.


10. The Handsome Family - All The TVs In Town

You can’t see the stars
Above the city skyline
But sometimes the air shines like gold
Under the yellow street lights

The psychotics in the park
Howling up at the sky
And the silent airplanes
Slowly drifting by

Sometimes it all seems to glow
As bright as the lights
From all the TVs in town

But when I wake up scared
In those still summer nights
When the air hangs like snakes
Around flashing neon signs

It seems like there’s nothing
Along these broken roads
But blinking lights on creaking metal poles

Ah, Rennie Sparks. Lyrical poet.

9. I Am Kloot - 86 TVs

I really should pick up the new I Am Kloot album. The reviews seem to suggest they're finally ready for their Elbow moment (years spent flogging a horse that only a few people realise isn't dead... until said horse is reborn as a stallion).

8. Billy Joel - Sleeping With The Television On

I am the product of a misspent youth spent listening to Billy Joel records. See also 'Close To The Borderline' in which Billy sagely notes, "I don't change channels so they must change me".

7. Pulp - TV Movie

Without you my life has become a hangover without end
A movie made for TV: bad dialogue,
Bad acting, no interest.
Too long with no story & no sex.

See also Clem Snide's Made For TV Movie, Everclear's TV Show and Bruce's TV Movie.

6. Mansun - Television

Overblown, theatrical instrumentation? Check.

Pretentious lyrics? Check.

Every album a concept album> Check.

So why did Muse become massive and Mansun disappear? Paul Draper was robbed.

5. Airborne Toxic Event - I Don't Want To Be On TV

I don't.

I've worked with a TV crew twice in my life, recording two separate documentaries, and both times I've found them peopled by arrogant tosspots who thought everybody else existed purely to do their bidding.

Apologies if you work in TV and you're the exception to that rule.

4. Ned's Atomic Dustbin - Kill Your Television

Music blogger Friend Of Rachel Worth over at Cathedrals Of Sounds has a regular feature in which he names Bands That Should Have Been Bigger Than The Beatles. I thoroughly agree with many of his suggestions, including Spearmint, Furniture and The Pearlfishers. Even if they'd never released a record, Ned's Atomic Dustbin deserve pop sainthood for their name alone.

3. Bruce Springsteen - 57 Channels (And Nothing On)

The early 90s is generally considered Bruce's creative nadir. Releasing two albums on the same day is always a sign that something's up (see also GnR - though Use Your Illusion I & II were slightly less disappointing than Lucky Town and Human Touch). This is probably the best track he recorded between Tunnel Of Love and The Rising, and the lyrics hint at just why his mojo went astray.

I bought a bourgeois house in the Hollywood hills
With a truckload of hundred thousand dollar bills
Man came by to hook up my cable TV
We settled in for the night my baby and me
We switched 'round and 'round 'til half-past dawn
There was fifty-seven channels and nothin' on

Never trust any artist who's so content the only thing they've got to complain about is "there's nowt worth watching on TV".

2. Disposable Heroes Of Hiphoprisy - Television, The Drug Of The Nation

This was one of the toughest Top Ten decisions I've had to face. Which is the better television tune, the Disposable Heroes... or the track that - by toss of a coin alone - made it to Number One? Both are essential listening, and yet they're also somewhat surprising choices that venture a little further from my usual whiteboy indie/rock safety zone.

T.V. is the reason why less than ten percent of our nation reads books daily...

1. Gil Scott Heron - The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

There will be no highlights on the eleven o'clock
news and no pictures of hairy armed women
liberationists and Jackie Onassis blowing her nose.
The theme song will not be written by Jim Webb,
Francis Scott Key, nor sung by Glen Campbell, Tom
Jones, Johnny Cash, Englebert Humperdink, or the Rare Earth.
The revolution will not be televised.

No, the theme song will be written by Gil Scott Heron... and lo, it shall be genius.



So... which TV track would have you refusing to change the channel?

Paralysed By My Day Off

I had a day off on Tuesday, and for a moment I was paralysed. There was so much I wanted to do! Not concrete plans like a day trip to the seaside or even a film I wanted to catch at the cinema (I can't remember a time when I've been less inspired by the choice of movies on release). Some of it was just basic household chores - washing a blanket, cleaning the mildew from the porch. I knew I wanted to go for a walk as it was such a beautiful day - but where? Then there was my proofreading course, I really needed to sit down and do some more on that. Obviously there's about a million things I want to write too, not to mention all the books I have stacked up to read, a few weeks' worth of TV shows on the recorder, a bunch of CDs I haven't had time to listen to yet... the list goes on and on.

I've reached the point in my life where time seems to be speeding up and getting away from me. This hit me for another reason recently. I was looking at all the books on my bookcases, so many of which I'm keeping to read again "at a later date". Yet how often do I actually get the chance to reread old books - even firm favourites? Maybe once or twice a year. The rest of the time, I've always got something new to devour. The same goes for music. One of the reasons I force myself to compile those top ten music lists is that it makes me go back and rediscover random gems from my record collection I might otherwise forget all about.

This is all to do with growing old. When you're younger, even in your twenties, time stretches ahead of you like an endless motorway. There'll always be time to do all the things you want to do - in the future. How often do we put things off when we're young because there's always tomorrow? An infinity of tomorrows. I wrote earlier about how much time I wasted in my youth watching shit TV. I mean really shit TV. Even shitter than Knight Rider and Manimal. Not even enjoyably shit TV. Nowadays, TV shows have to have real value for me to bother with them - or else I have to be doing something else at the same time (making the tea, ironing etc.) so I don't feel like I'm squandering my time. Because it's just too valuable to waste when there's so much you want to do... and the clock's always ticking.

The ironic thing is, you only realise this as you get older. But I'm only 38, and maybe I've realised it younger than many. Time is limited, and there's so much to do. I'm going to try not to waste so much of it in future. Now if only I didn't have to waste so much of it at work...

24 Tribute Top Ten

And so I bid fond farewell to another favourite TV show, as Jack Bauer finally hangs up his torture implements and gives his tonsils a rest from all that shouting... well, at least until the rumoured 24 movie anyway. (Wow, that'll be almost as long a film as Lord Of The Rings!)

24 started ridiculous, then went out of its way to get ever more so as the years progressed. It didn't so much jump the shark or nuke the fridge as torture the shark by cutting it up into small (yet still alive) pieces, stuff them into a fridge, nuke the whole of the country containing the fridge, then resurrect the shark only to poison it with anthrax, kills its family, connect its genitals to a car battery, and have its remains savaged by a mountain lion. Only then the shark would turn out to have been working for a fictional Middle Eastern country all along. Or was it?

But if you were willing to suspend your disbelief - your sheer incredulity - there was no more exciting, adrenaline-packed way of spending 18 hours (minus commercials) and in Jack Bauer we found another great hero for our times, one who could stand proud with Bond and Bourne as a man who would do anything... no, really, anything... to get the job done.

In tribute then, here's my Top Ten (musical) suggestions for what Jack can do next...




10. The House That Jack Built (Aretha Franklin)

Jack builds a house for his daughter Kim only to discover that all the builders are actually working for the Russian mob. When they kidnap Kim because there's a 'y' in the month and she hasn't been kidnapped this episode yet (surely some oversight!), Jack gets medieval on their eyelids with power tools and vinegary salad dressing.

9. Jumpin' Jack Flash (The Rolling Stones)

Jack is given his toughest assignment ever. He must jump up and down on the spot for 24 hours without pausing to eat, sleep, breathe or go weewee, whilst simultaneously flashing every passerby with Little Jack. If he doesn't complete his mission, Big Bird from Sesame Street , Count Duckula, and Hamble and Big Ted from Play School will be senselessly slaughtered. With a chainsaw. And sticklebricks.

8. Jack Singer (Ricky Ross)

Jack goes undercover on X-Factor. Simon Cowell finally gets what's coming to him.

7. Jack On Fire (Blanche)

Terrorists capture Jack and try to force him to complete their Rubix Cube. When he won't play ball they douse him with a mixture of nitroglycerin, magnesium and gasoline then set fire to his writhing, twitching, teeth-gritting body and watch it burn for 24 hours straight. After which Jack gets really pissed off and kicks their tonsils into orbit.

6. Jackhammer Blues (Woody Guthrie)

It's Jack... with a hammer. A fucking massive hammer. You can guess the rest.

5. Jack Names The Planets (Ash)

Jack thinks the planets in our solar system have very suspicious names. Mars? Jupiter? Neptune? It's all some damned Roman conspiracy! Then there's bloody Earth. What a shit name Earth is - why didn't they just call it Dirt and have done with it? Jack decides to deal with the problem once and for all by detonating eight planet-sized nukes (plus a tiny asteroid-sized nuke for Pluto, which might not actually be a planet anymore but still... "IT'S NAMED AFTER A DAMNED DISNEY DOG, CHLOE!") and starting the galaxy again from scratch. Luckily the wind is blowing eastwards that day so none of the nuclear fall-out affects him. Or anyone else we care about.

4. Jack Killed Mom (Jenny Lewis)

Your mum has information vital to stopping a terrorist attack on Mothercare and only Jack Bauer can get it out of her. I'm so very, very sorry.

3. Hit The Road, Jack (Ray Charles)

Jack goes on a road trip across America but is horrified by the state of the nation's highways. "DAMN IT, CHLOE - THERE'S JUST TOO MANY POTHOLES!" He solves the problem by pounding every single inch of tarmac from the east coast to the west with his own face until it's all levelled out and nobody will ever get a puncture again.

2. Smackwater Jack (Carole King)

Undercover CTU moles trick our hero into going back on smack (remember season 3?) but he soon discovers it has no effect on him whatsoever. It's like drinking a glass of aired water for someone as hard as Jack Bauer. So he decides to completely eliminate the drug trade by torturing every single addict in the world, one by one, with garden shears, pliers, and Ricky Martin records, until they're all as tough - and immune to everything - as he is.

1. Jack & Diane (John Mellencamp)

Jack uncovers the truth behind the conspiracy to murder Princess Diana, storms the palace with a sponge and a rusty spanner, bites off one of Charles's ears (it keeps him going for about a week), and gets savaged by a pack of the Queen's rabid corgis.

Richard Curtis... All Is Forgiven

After the genius of Blackadder, the crimes of Richard Curtis live on in infamy. The Vicar of Dibley. Mr. Bean. Love Actually. Culminating in the most woefully disappointing film of last year, The Boat That Rocked... it really seemed like there was no way back for him.

So I wasn't looking forward to last night's Doctor Who. Particularly as the Moffat/Smith Who resurrection has been so consistently strong till now, finally realising the potential this show had so often squandered under Russell T. Davies. The last thing I'd expected was the most emotional piece of mainstream telly I've seen in many a year.

Manipulatively sentimental? You could say that. If you were more of a cynic than me. (If you are more of a cynic than me, I pity you, I really do.) The last 15 minutes of last night's Doctor Who had me fighting back tears the whole way. I'm not entirely sure I can put into words just why... but that's never stopped me before. Firstly, the idea of an artist who spends his whole life feeling unappreciated finally, for one brief moment, getting to see how that will change after his death. Secondly, the loneliness of Van Gogh himself (brilliantly brought to life by Tony Curran). Loneliness as a theme that always gets to me. I keep coming back to that quote from Mother Teresa, "the most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved". And that was a woman who'd seen poverty in all its forms. Finally, the idea that the Doctor and Amy not only give Vincent a few fleeting moments of friendship, happiness, and accomplishment... but that by doing so, may even have hastened his eventual suicide. Who knows how a bipolar personality would respond to being shown what the Doctor showed Vincent? That's the real sting in this tale.

So, thank you Richard Curtis. And thank you Steven Moffat, for the rehabilitation of Richard Curtis. Perhaps that dreaded Neil Gaiman episode will turn out OK after all...