Music I'm Listening To This Week

Five more songs I can't get out of my head (or off my music player)...

8in8 is a musical collaboration between Amanda Palmer, Ben Folds, Damian Kulash and Neil Gaiman. Yes. Musical. Neil Gaiman. Calm down, granny.

I downloaded this record some weeks ago from Amanda Palmer's website (where it's available for a minimum price of just $1) because I'm a huge fan of both Palmer and Folds, both of whom can do no wrong in my eyes... well, apart from marrying Neil Gaiman. I really wish Ben Folds hadn't done that.

Anyway, I've been happily enjoying it without actually realising that the final track is spoken by the God of All Stories About Stories About Stories himself. Who knew he sounded so much like a cross between Tom Lehrer and Noel Coward? The track is called The Problem With Saints... and bloody hell, it's annoyingly good. My Neil Gaiman rehabilitation continues...

Fortunately it's not my favourite track on the record. I wouldn't have been able to live that down. No, my favourite track (though to be fair, all six are excellent) is this... a duet about the failure of permissive parenting, by Amanda and Ben...



Oh, and the 8in8 mini-album is called Nighty Night, presumably in tribute to Julia Davis. That's got to be worth 61p (at today's exchange rate) of anybody's money.

Skint & Demoralised...? Well, yes, I am. But am I downhearted? No, because I've just discovered my New Favourite Band (this week's model) - and they're from just down the road in Wakefield.

I missed out on Skint & Demoralised first time round. So did a lot of people, it seems, despite their debut album Love, And Other Catastrophesbeing on a major label. Listening to songwriter Matt Abbott on 6Music earlier in the week I heard him explain how the band went from heroes to zeroes in the space of two months back in 2009, leaving them with perhaps the most appropriate stage name in pop. Now they're back, with This Sporting Lifeon their own indie label, and ironically drawing more attention than ever. It's a fickle mistress, the music business.

Originally a performance poet, Abbott writes classic observational indie lyrics that'll remind you of everyone from Morrisey to Ian Dury to Mike Skinner to Frank Turner. Yes, he's that good. Further evidence can be found on his ode to the great British pub...

Speaking of Frank Turner, I've yet to grow tired of his latest record, England Keep My Bones- it could well turn out to be album of the year.

The opening track, Eulogy, is only 1 minute 34 seconds in length - which is both frustratingly short (when I'm listening to it, I want it to go on forever) and perfect.

Not everyone grows up to be an astronaut
Not everyone was born to be a king
Not everyone can be... Freddie Mercury
But everyone can raise a glass and sing
Well I haven't always been a perfect person
I haven't done what mum and dad had dreamed

But on the day I die I'll say
"At least I fucking tried!"
That's the only eulogy I need
That's the only eulogy I need.

It's one of those songs that makes me want to go on living. There can be no finer praise.

Brilliant! Tragic!- the new record from Art Brut - isn't quite as brilliant as much of their previous output, nor is it entirely tragic. There's a lot to enjoy here, from Eddie actually trying to sing rather than just talk or shout, to their heartfelt tribute to Axl Rose, to the wonderful Bad Comedian and its appropriately corny lyrics.

You're walking around like love's young dream
He dresses like he comes free with the NME
How can you bear to hold his hand?
I bet he signs his name in Comic Sans

Best reason to buy this record though - as opposed to just downloading it - is the beautiful artwork by Phonogram's Jamie McKelvie. Album cover of the year, no competition.



Finally, I got a real urge to listen to some old Pogues the other night, in particular the track below, possibly their finest moment. I thought I'd mention here because the alternative was to come up with a Top Ten Songs About Ford Cars...

...or a Top Ten Songs About Dodgy Top Shelf Magazines From The 80s.

Be grateful I'm sparing you that...

Top Ten Rubbish Songs

Proof, if proof be needed, that it's possible to compile a Top Ten songs about any subject... even a load of old rubbish.

Special runners-up prizes go to Garbage and the Trash Can Sinatras...

10. Lonnie Donegan - My Old Man's A Dustman

Skiffle-king Donegan angered traditionalists with his turn to musical hall comedy in 1960 - but it proved one of his biggest hits, as well as his third and final Number One. In case you didn't know what a dustman was, the title also provided the following, slightly less poetic parenthesis... (Ballad Of A Refuse Disposal Officer).

Me, I always wanted to know what those "gor-blimey trousers" his old man wore were all about...

9. Blanche - Garbage Picker

Southern Gothic country madness helmed by husband and wife duo Dan John and Tracie Mae Miller...

My debonair style impressed you,
But you kept asking where I shop,
And that day you saw me picking by the roadside,
Was the day that our romance stopped.

8. Raveonettes - Love In A Trashcan

Those crazy Danes, they'll do it anywhere...

7. Johnny Cash - Country Trash

Listening to this song, I feel a strange kinship for Johnny Cash. I suppose I'm doing all right for country trash...

6. Blur - For Tomorrow

The song that gives the album Modern Life Is Rubbish its name, inspired in part by the fact that when they first moved to London, Damon Albarn's parents lived next door to John Lennon. Or so it says on Wikipedia. Which probably means it's bollocks.

5. The Faces - Debris

Rod Stewart used to be cool. Rubbish?

4. Michael Anderson - White Trash Shakespeare

I have no idea where I find these things. This is from a contemporary country album which also contains an excellent song called Raymond Chandler Said. I think someone might have pointed me towards that while compiling my Top Ten Detective Songs.

3. New York Dolls - Trash

While I don't share Morrissey's undying adoration of this band, this is probably the best thing I've heard from them: a raucous slab of pre-punk glam with a nice Mick Jagger impression from lead singer David Johansen.

2. Suede - Trash

25 years later, Suede recorded virtually the same song - yet made it sound completely different. There is a direct line from David Johansen through to Bret Anderson, but I'm not sure the Dolls were the inspiration behind Suede's biggest hit. Maybe it's just one of those glorious flukes pop throws up from time to time.

Maybe, maybe it's the clothes we wear,
The tasteless bracelets and the dye in our hair,
Maybe it's our kookiness,
Or maybe, maybe it's our nowhere towns,
Our nothing places and our cellophane sounds,
Maybe it's our looseness,


But we're trash, you and me,
We're the litter on the breeze,
We're the lovers on the streets...

1. Carter USM - Rubbish

The only problem with that Suede song, much as I love it and want to make it Number #1, is that it's not very British, is it, Bret? Where I come from, we don't have trashcans, we have rubbish bins.

"What do you think of the programme so far?" asks John Peel midway through this track. Wisely, Jim Bob and Fruitbat leave us to provide our own answers...

I wish I'd discovered Carter back in 1992... why did no one tell me?

From the black bag skip in the parking lot
It's a short bad trip to the candy shop
Where the shrimps sell smack to the jelly snakes
And the kids buy crack in their morning break


And the grass grows bluer on the other side
Where the old girls queue for their Mother's Pride
For a slice of life it's a bargain sale
The price is right but the bread is stale


From the high rise priest of the office blocks
To a five year lease on a cardboard box
From the old queens head to the Burger King
In my '57 Chevy made from baked bean tins


And when I drive that heap down the road
You can hear that cheap car stereo
Volume knob turned down low
Rubbish on the radio

Those were mine... what's your favourite rubbish song?

Things I Have Been Listening To...

I bought my first new CD of 2011 yesterday. It's the new album from Elbow (who I'll be seeing live in a fortnight). I haven't received it yet.

So... what have I been listening to in the meantime...?



John Grant's Queen Of Denmark album was included in quite a few critics' Best of 2010 lists, and for once the critics are right. The former Czars frontman's debut solo effort is an enticing mix of 70s MOR and witty, personal, caustic lyrics that reminds me of Harry Nilsson at his underrated best. The song above has the best video (featuring the sad life of an unemployed superhero) but I reckon my favourite track on the album is Where Dreams Go To Die which features the following, heartfelt chorus...

Baby, you're where dreams go to die
I regret the day your lovely carcass passed my eye

Lily Rae's debut album Oh No! is only available to buy from the Indelicates' Corporate Records site, but I'm so glad I took a flyer on it. She has a similarly dark and witty lyrical style to Simon & Julia Indelicate, magpieing her influences from Morrissey, Jacques Brel and Victoria Wood, though after a few listens each track becomes uniquely her. There's a wonderful bitterness to songs like Diane, it's pleasing from one so young...

Diane - what do you see in him? The boy's a knob...

Plus, she has a song called Don't Sleep In My Cardi. What else do you want? Blood?



I wasn't as taken with The Libertines as the music press were back in 2002. They had some pretty good songs, but Pete Doherty annoyed me and the idea that they were a 21st Century answer to The Smiths never really took. That said, I always kind of cast Carl Barât in the Johnny Marr role - guitar god, but no frontman. Dirty Pretty Things did little to persuade me otherwise, but his solo album shows real promise. He hasn't quite found his own voice yet, so many of the tracks sound like Bowie, Brel, Bret Anderson or, obviously, The Libertines - but they still sound good. My favourite is Je Regrette Je Regrette, though I'd have liked it more if he'd called it Angry Birds...

I'm a wretch, I'm a wretch
A tosser at a stretch
I got stuff on my chest
This woman sent me west


I didn't pay her taxi now I'm failing to impress
These angry birds
Such angry birds...

I discovered Tom Williams & The Boat via Steve Lamacq. I want to call Tom a teenage troubadour and not just for the obvious alliteration. I'm not sure if he is still a teenager (though looking at his youthful face makes painful tears wet my crow's feet) but he writes well from that perspective, particularly on the song Concentrate...

They don't know my dad
He's this town through and through
Old school, fifty-something, balding, racist
So his mates are too... but me I'm a modern man!

This is available on the See My Evil EP, downloadable from Tom's website. His debut album is also out now, but I haven't got around to that yet.

Finally (for now), an oldie-but-goody from Bradford's finest rock exports (argue that all you like, Smokie and New Model Army fans)...

Friday Flash - Love Song

First #fridayflash short story of 2011... and I've actually managed to keep below the 1000 word limit. I'm sure that won't last...

Love Song

I’m in your bedroom, writing this song, trying not to make an obvious rhyme like ‘but I keep getting the words wrong’ because I know you wouldn’t respect that. You called me “the greatest lyricist of our generation” after all, do you remember, Evie? Of course you remember. It was the day we met. Well, the day we first communicated. The internet’s an amazing thing, isn’t it? That it could bring us together like this. How could you have known when you tweeted “I love Terry Tribeca, I want his babies!” that I’d be sitting there in my peeling wallpaper hotel room after that piss-bottle gig in Newcastle, late and lonely, just looking for someone to make me feel worthwhile... that I’d see your message and think: ‘thank you’?

You became my muse, I’m apt to confuse, the thoughts… the thoughts… the thoughts… This new album, Evie, it’s all about you. You had such a shock when I replied, you couldn’t believe it was me. Even though it had the verified tick next to my picture to prove the account was genuine, you were certain it was just my manager or somebody in my entourage mucking around. “Entourage”, ha. I guess my world seems a whole lot more glamorous from the outside. The crazy thing is, 15, 20 years ago, I probably would have had an entourage. I’d have had a record company that threw money at me, I’d have had stylists, publicists, photographers, hangers on… but those days are gone. Like I told you that first night we chatted, I don’t do this for the money. I do it because I have to. Because the songs are inside me, screaming to get out… and if I don’t have that release, well, I think I’d just go crazy, you know? Lose it completely. The songs keep me sane.

Not everything’s an accident, sometimes you have to be provident, if you want to make a start, in matters of the… The following night, when we bumped into each other at that club in Coventry, that wasn’t just coincidence, you know. I can tell you this now, we’re close enough that you won’t think... I went there to find you. I saw you talking to your friends about it on Facebook and as I didn’t have a gig that night and it was only a couple of hours on the train and I thought it’d make for a good song… Knock-Outs, remember? You said you didn’t think someone like me would be seen dead in a place like that. Didn’t I get recognised all the time? The truth is, hardly anyone ever recognises me. Your friends certainly didn’t. They didn’t even believe it was me. Yeah, I’ve been on the cover of the NME and my face is all over the internet – but everyone’s face is all over the internet. Unless you’re actually looking, you wouldn’t notice me. I’m not exactly a pretty boy, though “my unconventional look matches my unconventional lyrics,” says Alex Petridis in The Guardian. Though I guess since meeting you, my songwriting’s become a whole lot more conventional. You know I almost wrote a ‘swim any river, hike any mountain’ song last night? Maybe I’ll have a pop hit and flush my indie cred with it. That shit doesn’t matter anymore. I want to take you to Paris and Rome and New York, and not in the back of a fucking tour bus, Evie. I want my own private jet, like Bono. I never wanted to be Bono, but for you, Evie, for you I want to be Bono. I want to be whatever you want me to be.

I saw you in the arms of another, I went to pieces, then and there. I knew I wasn’t your only lover, just don’t tell me more for him you… Clumsy. That’s fucking clumsy, man. What’s happened to my writing? It used to come so natural. My mind’s on other things right now. That second time was a mistake, I admit. You were with your fiancée at that restaurant in Nuneaton. Not the classiest of establishments, but Michael wasn’t really the classiest of guys, was he? When I saw where he was taking you for your anniversary… I wanted to show you how much better you could do. That’s all. Crispy duck and a cheap Merlot? Is that really all you were to him? Caused quite a scene that night, didn’t he? Your ex… I know, I know it’s an adjustment, thinking of him in that way after all those years together, but you need to try. Part of you still expects him to walk in the front door any minute and start whinging about his shit day again. How much he hates his boss, wishes he could find something else, always wanted to be a fireman. Of course I read your blog, even though you don’t use your real name, enough of your friends know about it, leave messages on it, link to it… it’s hardly a secret. That post you wrote about me, long before we even met, that was what convinced me. You understood. And yet, by him, you were misunderstood. “Shame he’s not hunky enough to be a fireman - LOL!” That’s what Rachel wrote in your comments. She was right, of course, Michael was hardly a body builder. He couldn’t even fight me off.

You can’t have her, Mike. You’re not the man she really likes. I saw you leaving your office at night. My alibi is airtight. Mike. I know you don’t want to hear the details, Evie, but it’s done now. You don’t need to worry about him any more. We can get on with our lives. Come on, Evie, open the bathroom door. Talk to me. I’ll turn the music down if you promise not to scream again. Please, Evie, don’t be mad. Open the door. Don’t be like all the others…

Forget You!

In an effort to clean up this blog after the tawdry bacchanalia of the last few days, I'm going to refrain from using the F-word around here ever again.

So if you ever catch me using the word 'forget' on this blog again, you have my permission to report me to my good friends at the Mail On Sunday. From now on, just like Cee-Lo Green does on his current Number One Chart Hit, I will endeavour to always replace the word 'forget' with a word that's much less offensive. And if I forget... oh - d'oh!



Full credit to Cee-Lo Green though. I think this is the first Number One Chart Hit I've enjoyed - or even been remotely aware of - through the whole of 2010. Beyond the cheeky hook of the unedited version, it's got a wonderful classic Motown vibe... the lyrics are dripping in bitterness and spite, which is always good... and it's a great song for playing really loud in the car and singing along to when you're stuck in traffic.

Top Ten Self-Pity Songs (Volume 1)

Isn't self-pity great? I hereby declare it the most ace emotion ever! If I'm having a bad day, there's nothing more guaranteed to cheer me up than a good long bout of feeling sorry for myself.

You'd think that with all the money and groupies and cocaine and stuff, your average rock star wouldn't have much time for self-pity, yet they seem to get off on it almost as much as I do. Although to be fair, most of the anthems to self-loathing listed below come from early in the respective artist's career - by singing about how shit they felt, they made oodles of money and hence stopped feeling so shit about themselves... and then went on to stop writing such good songs, since happiness is rarely conducive to artistic greatness.

This is Volume 1 simply because there are so many great self-pity songs, I really couldn't narrow it down to just ten. I'll throw some more onto the fire the next time I'm feeling crappy. Do feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments box...


10. Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag

I don't care, I love this song. It encapsulates how shit it is to be a teenager, listening to Iron Maiden, unable to get the girl you want because she's dating a dick. The video features perpetual loser Jason Biggs trying to cop off with Mena Suvari (from Amy Heckerling's underrated teen-com Loser). The band followed this supreme ode to woe with an Erasure cover. Yes, a fucking ERASURE cover. They deserved to self-destruct after that. But as one-hit wonders go... wow.

9. Eels - Dog Faced Boy

Coming home from the school today
Crying all along the way
Ain't no way for a boy to be
Begging ma to shave me please

You little punks think you own this town
Well someday someone's gonna bring you down
Life ain't pretty for a dog faced boy

E from the Eels has built a career on feeling sorry for himself, and understandly so when you consider some of the things that have happened to him. That said, he's always aware that things could be worse. He could always have a face like a shaggy mongrel.

8. Strangelove - Freak

If your name was Duff, you might expect your life to follow suit. So cheesed off that fate had robbed him by leaving that all-important 'y' off the end of his name - otherwise he might have been The Man From Atlantis or Bobby Ewing - Patrick Duff formed Strangelove and channeled all his negativity into this...

I walk the plastic streets
Just like a monkey
Just like a geek
My scraping knuckles bleed
I hear my Mummy crying out
He's a freak
I live a life alone
And all my friends are gone
It kind of turns me on
I hate them one by one by one
I'm a freak

7. Mansun - What It's Like To Be Hated

A song so utterly depressing, I can't even find it on youtube.

How are you feeling today, Paul Draper?

Ugly, scruffy, no one

Really?

Nasty, bitter, enraged

Right...

Hated, broken

Oh, come on now, cheer up - it can't be that bad.

Disturbed, unwanted at birth
The fucking joke that we are
I've never had any friends

Fair enough then.

6. Simon & Garfunkel - I Am A Rock

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

See the genius of Paul Simon here is that, bad as he's feeling, he's actually convinced himself he's better off that way. There was a time in my life I lived by the following lines...

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.

And if it all falls apart at sometime in the future, I'll live by them again.

5. Teddy Thompson - Turning The Gun On Myself

I really should do a list of suicide anthems. And this really should be on it. But as it's possibly the best song Richard Thompson Jr.'s ever written, it deserves its place on this list too.

4. Eric Carmen - All By Myself

When Eric Carmen was young, he never needed anyone. Making love? Making love was just for fun! Sadly, those days are gone. Now he's living alone, thinking of all the friends he's known... but when he dials the telephone... nobody's home.

I don't know about you, but I'm welling up.

3. Beck - Loser

For many years, I thought that Beck sang "So - open up the door - I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?"

Only when it comes to writing this post do my investigations reveal he's actually singing "Soy un perdedor", which, according to the internet... is Spanish for "I'm a loser".

2. Radiohead - Creep

I wish I was special. Don't you?

1. The Smiths - I Know It's Over

Of course, I could have compiled an entire Self-Pity Top Ten just from Smiths songs. And I could have made a Top Hundred just from sticking pins at random in Morrissey's solo catalogue. But none of them would have been quite as majestically miserable as this. It begins with Morrissey climbing into an empty bed he equates with a grave... and goes rapidly downhill from there. He then imagines a relationship with a potential partner who turns round and says to him these immortal words...

"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight ?
I know ...
'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."

If you've never sat alone late at night and asked yourself these questions... count yourself very, very lucky.



There - don't you feel better now?

Mozipedia

Simon Goddard's Mozipedia takes obsession too far. It's everything you ever wanted to know about Morrissey... and quite a bit you probably never wanted to know, unless you're a stalker. This massive 500 page breeze-block of a book traces the sources of every lyric, every drummer, every acquaintance... yet throughout all this, the author can't decide whether he wants to stick to just the facts or offer a critical assessment, indulge in hearsay and gossip or tow the official Morrissey line.

Often fascinating, the track by track entries are vital, but many of the others blur the line between curiosity and trainspottery. Want to know more about every actor, poet, playwright, musician, philospher and street-sweeper Morrissey has ever expressed even a passing interest in? Then this is the book for you. But even if you're only reading a couple of entries a night (as I did), you may find such scrupulous attention to detail combined with dogmatic hero worship gets a little tiring after a while.

Goddard's Morrissey fixation also blinds him to the merits of other artists (unless they're artists Moz adores - the entry on Moz's precious New York Dolls falls over itself to keep the great man happy), and he's often two-faced in his critical appraisal. For example, in an entry on Lloyd Cole, Goddard writes...

"When it came to cultural references, Cole was notoriously heavy handed, peppering his lyrics with the names of Simone de Beavoir, Grace Kelly and Norman Mailer. Although Morrissey has borrowed from literary and cinematic sources, never has he sung anything as crudely referential as "she looks like Eve Marie Saint in On The Waterfront".

Later though, in the entry on Pier Paolo Pasolini...

"Italian neo-realist film director referenced in You Have Killed Me along with his debut feature film ACCATONE."

So it's OK for Moz to namedrop obscure Italian filmmakers in his lyrics, but not for Lloyd Cole to romanticise a woman by comparing her to one of Hitchcock's favourite actresses? Now I'm a big fan of both Morrissey and Cole, so I like to think I'm unbiased... but really, which is the better song, the better lyric? Rattlesnakes or You Have Killed Me? Come on, Simon - take off the blinkers for just a second, man!

Most amusing of all is the entry on infamous Smith biographer Johnny Rogan -Goddard seething with jealousy that Rogan's Severed Alliance found its way onto Morrissey's radar while his own Songs That Saved Your Life merited less than a blip. One wonders what Morrissey would make of Goddard's latest love letter? I can't help but think that, like me, he'd find it a little excessive... though hardly worth the effort to complain about.

All that said, I consider myself fortunate to have read the Mozipedia. Firstly because many of the entries provided information I hadn't read before (and I've read a fair few Morrissey books in my time). There's certainly no faulting Goddard's research. Secondly, I didn't have to pay for it. It was a gift from the world's most generous blogger. He knows who he is. Many thanks, JC.

Once We Were Anarchists

I'm young enough to be all pissed off
But I'm old enough to be jaded
I'm at the age where I want things to change
But with age my hopes have faded
I'm young and bored of being young and bored
If I was old I could say I've seen it all before
In short, I'm tired of giving a shit

Or: One More Reason Why Frank Turner Is My Musical Discovery Of 2010.

Top Ten Movie Songs

No, not songs from the movies - songs about the movies. And no Celine Dion: guaranteed.



10. Belle & Sebastian - Like Dylan in the Movies

Stuart Murdoch's stalker anthem (one of many!) based around Dylan's famous promo film for Subterranean Homesick Blues. I'm not sure how the two connect, but when the end product sounds this good - who cares?

9. The Auteurs - Underground Movies

Another song I really don't have the first clue about lyrically... but as with most things Luke Haines touches, it has a welcoming seediness.

8. Murder By Death - Holy Lord, Shawshank Redemption Is Such A Good Movie

Murder By Death are great with the titles. This comes from the album Like The Exorcist, But More Breakdancing which also features tracks called: I'm Afraid Of Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf, Intergalactic Menopause and Flamenco's Fuckin' Easy. All inspired titles which the songs in question rarely live up to... how could they?

7. Suzanne Vega (If You Were) In My Movie

Simply put: if you were in Suzanne Vega's movie, you'd get the girl.

6. Death Cab For Cutie - A Movie Script Ending

Death Cab For Cutie believe you can go home again.

5. Thea Gilmore - Movie Kisses

Here it is
The not-so-happy-ending
We've done our picket fence defending
We did Bogart and Bacall and now the spotlight's gone, and anyway
All those movie kisses just last too long

4. Everclear - Songs From An American Movie Part 1

There's something of the David Lynch about many Everclear songs. On the surface: white picket fences. Underneath: darkness.

3. The Long Blondes - Lust In The Movies

I know you think you're in the movies.
You're in the movies and you don't wanna know me.
Well I know all about fear and desire, and I know all about lust, etc.

Edie Sedgwick, Anna Karina, Arlene Dahl.
Edie Sedgwick, Anna Karina, Arlene Dahl.
I just want to be a sweetheart.

I always thought Kate was singing about Tolstoy's tragic heroine Anna Karenina along with cult actresses Edie Sedgwick and Arlene Dahl. I never quite understood why.

Turns out it's actually Danish actress Anna Karina. Well, I never.

2. The Drifters - Kissing In The Back Row Of The Movies

One of those things you dream about doing when you're young and single... then when the opportunity does finally arrive: "Get off me, woman - I want to watch the film!"

1. Okkervil River - Our Life Is Not A Movie Or Maybe

Their best song, it's a lyrical blizzard and no mistaking, with some of the more interesting rhymes you'll hear this week.



Do you have a favourite movie song? Do tell.

Anyone who suggests My Heart Will Go On, Everything I Do (I Do It For You) or Take My Breath Away... don't let the door hit your arse on your way out.

Top 40 Radio Songs

After last week's DJ Top Ten, and in celebration of today's announcement that 6 Music lives, here's a countdown of my favourite radio songs. Turned out when I checked my library there were so many great songs with radio in the title, I had enough for a whole Top 40 - with some left over! Seemed an appropriate enough way of celebrating the evil industry...


40. Roxy Music - Oh Yeah (On The Radio)

39. The Ataris - The Radio Still Sucks

38. Hefner - The Greater London Radio

37. Jane Bond & The UndercoverMen - Radio Moscow

36. Edwin Starr - H.A.P.P.Y Radio

35. Nirvana - Radio Friendly Unit Shifter

34. Robbie Williams - Radio

33. The Vines - Don't Listen To The Radio

32. Black Box Recorder - Factory Radio

31. Everclear - AM Radio

30. George Harrison - Devil's Radio

29. Talking Heads - Radio Head

28. Helen Love - Summer Pop Radio

27. Elvis Costello - Radio Sweetheart

26. The Ataris - Radio #2

25. Jesse Malin - Broken Radio

24. Teenage Fanclub - Radio

23. The Ramones - Do You Remember Rock 'n' Roll Radio?

22. Donna Summer - On The Radio

21. Bruce Springsteen - Radio Nowhere

20. Dead 60s - Riot Radio

19. Jim White - Static On The Radio

18. The Selecter - On My Radio

17. The Clash - This Is Radio Clash

16. Latin Quarter - Radio Africa

15. The Concretes - On The Radio

14. Steve Earle - Satellite Radio

13. Rush - Spirit Of Radio

12. Scissor Sisters - Tits On The Radio

11. Regina Spektor - On The Radio

10. The Wonder Stuff - Radio Ass Kiss

Radio Ass Kiss on the air
Say what you like now no one cares

9. Queen - Radio Gaga

I'd sit alone and watch your light
My only friend through teenage nights

Truer words never sung...

8. Ricky Ross - Radio On

A haunting rarity from Ricky's first solo album.

7. REM - Radio Song

I remember REM purists getting all up in arms about the fact that this song featured a rap by KRS-One. Still, probably better than a rap by Michael Stipe. Unfortunately, 20+ years on, Radio Song has dated rather more than the rest of the album.

6. Tom Robinson - Listen To The Radio / Atmospherics

Tom Robinson was eight years old when he recorded this song. Seriously - just watch the video!

5. Kathleen Edwards - One More Song The Radio Won't Like

Ironically, I discovered Kathleen Edwards through hearing this record on Bob Harris's radio show.

4. Slade - Radio Wall Of Sound

In the early 90's, Slade decided they fancied a crack at the Def Leppard market stateside. They had to sideline Noddy a bit to do though...

3. Ballboy - All The Records On The Radio Are Shite

(Except Mine) sings Ballboy.

Except having the word 'Shite' in your title would probably rule out your chances of getting much airplay... although I did hear someone use the word "shitlist" in a news bulletin on Radio 2 this lunchtime, so anything's possible.

2. Buggles - Video Killed The Radio Star

A timeless classic from Trevor Horn and co... whatever happened to him?

The Presidents Of The United States Of America cover version from The Wedding Singer is always worth a listen too.

As is this rather cool live version by The Wrong Trousers.

1. Elvis Costello - Radio Radio

I've featured this song here before, and I'll probably feature it again...

And the radio is in the hands of such a lot of fools
Trying to anaesthetise the way that you feel...

With forty songs to choose from, I must have included your favourite radio song... mustn't I?

30 Songs - Day 8

Day 08 - A Song You Know All The Words To

A sad fact widely known
The most impassionate song
To a lonely soul
Is so easily outgrown
But don't forget the songs
That made you smile
And the songs that made you cry
When you lay in awe
On the bedroom floor
And said : "Oh, oh, smother me Mother..."

So sang Morrissey in his tribute to those long teenage hours spent studying lyrics. How many hours did I spend on my bedroom floor, lyrics sheet in hand - or, on those frustrating occasions when no lyrics sheet was provided, headphones on, writing them out myself, listening to that one line over and over again to work out... just what were they singing? Kids these days don't know how lucky they've got it, in a world where most songs give up their mystery at the click of a mouse. I'm glad I grew up when I did.



One of the songs I spent longest on as a teenager was Don McLean's American Pie. Ostensibly a song about the death of Buddy Holly, whole theses have been written about the many supposed references that pepper the song's 8.33 running time. Was Bob Dylan the Jester? Elvis the king? Was it Lennon or Lenin who read a book on Marx? Was that a reference to Altamont? Is Mick Jagger satan? Or are some people reading far too much into it?

When asked what American Pie really meant, Don McLean quipped, "it means I never have to work again". Seems like a pretty good deal to me. Being that he also gave us Vincent and Castles In The Air, his retirement is well-deserved.

Top Ten DJ Songs

A long time ago, in a whole other lifetime, I used to write and publish a comic called THE JOCK. In it, a group of rebel DJs fought for freedom and real music in a world where mindless corporate muzak had become the opiate of the masses. A book where the hero was a DJ...? Why not write a comic about a super-powered traffic warden or altruistic ambulance-chasing lawyer while I was at it? No wonder it didn't catch on.

During my 20+ years in the radio industry, I've known a hell of a lot of DJs. Some of them have gone on to fame and fortune, some have gone on to proper jobs. Some have even been intelligent, sincere, modest, warm-hearted and normal. For every Chris Evans, there's a Mark Radcliffe or John Peel. Well, there used to be. The true DJ is a dying breed, for some of the reasons found in song below... here's my tribute.

10. Faithless - God Is A DJ

There are thousands of dance songs about DJs, but most are about club DJs rather than radio. Still, the principle is the same I suppose - someone passionate about music, passionate about sharing that music with the world. Faithless is as close as I ever got to dance music. If my God was a DJ, he'd mostly play songs with real instruments and proper lyrics. I guess I'm just an old-fashioned guy.

9. The View - Wasted Little DJs / Face For Radio

Who knows why Scottish band The View are so obsessed with DJs that they wrote two songs about them on their debut album ? Perhaps it was a ploy to get their records played?

The same record for the 16th time
Exact same set you did the last time round

Hmm... perhaps not.

8. David Bowie - DJ

I am a D.J.
I am what I play
I got believers
Believing me

The DJ as cult (sp?) of ego... as only Mad Dave McMad could do it.

7. Soulwax - Too Many DJs

"Everybody wants to be the DJ" sang Soulwax. Well of course we do. We all believe our own tastes in music are far superior to those of anyone else.

The ironic thing is that Soulwax now seem to far prefer being DJs themselves, rather than actually recording any new records. Which is a shame.

6. Tom Petty - The Last DJ

Back when I started working in radio, I had aspirations to be a presenter myself. Soon after that, free choice was taken away from the majority of jocks and replaced by music testing, focus groups and playlists. That was what spurred me into creating The Jock and convinced me it wasn't the career for me. (Well, that and the fact that I have a shit voice.)

Well you can't turn him into a company man
You can't turn him into a whore
And the boys upstairs just don't understand anymore
Well the top brass don't like him talking so much
And he won't play what they say to play
And he don't want to change what don't need to change
And there goes the last DJ
Who plays what he wants to play
And says what he wants to say
Hey, hey, hey

5. The Hold Steady - Most People Are DJs

Everyone's a critic and most people are DJs

I know it's not what this song is about... but can you come up with a better eight word definition of the internet?

4. Donald Fagen - The Nightfly

Amazingly, I can't find the original of this Donald Fagen classic anywhere on the net. Lots of middle-aged blokes playing it in their bedrooms though...

I'm Lester the Nightfly
Hello Baton Rouge
Won't you turn your radio down
Respect the seven second delay we use

I used to work on a phone-in show. Spent my nights telling people to turn off their radios before they went on air. And calling the police to deal with all the nutters and attempted suicides...

3. Harry Chapin - W*O*L*D*

Harry Chapin. Genius. Three words that should always be used in close proximity.

A plea from an old, drunk DJ to the ex-wife who doesn't want him back...

Got a spot on the top of my head, just begging for a new toupee
And a tire on my gut from sitting on my...
But they're never gonna go away
Sometimes I get this crazy dream
That I just drove off in my car
But you can travel on ten thousand miles and still say where you are
Been thinking that I should stop this jocking
And start that record store
Maybe I could settle down and you'd take me back once more...

2. The Smiths - Panic

Come on, you knew it was coming. You're only surprised it's not number one.

Hang the blessed DJ!

1. Mark Germino - Rex Bob Lowenstein

Tom Petty's isn't the only last DJ. When Hartlanberg's Rex Bob gets told what to play by the boys upstairs, he's locks himself in the studio and goes out fighting.

Now, one day a man in a pinstriped suit
Took the owner of the station to a restaurant booth
His pitch was simple, "you’ll increase your sales
If you only play the song list we send in the mail."

He guaranteed a larger audience
Less confusion and higher points
"But your drive-time jock won’t get to do his thing.
Hey he’s not half bad, tell me, what’s his name?"

For all those wondering what happened to Buggles and Video Killed The Radio Star... I'm saving that for my Radio Top Ten... which is looking more like a Top 40 at the moment. Kinda fitting. In the meantime... what's your favourite DJ song?

24 Tribute Top Ten

And so I bid fond farewell to another favourite TV show, as Jack Bauer finally hangs up his torture implements and gives his tonsils a rest from all that shouting... well, at least until the rumoured 24 movie anyway. (Wow, that'll be almost as long a film as Lord Of The Rings!)

24 started ridiculous, then went out of its way to get ever more so as the years progressed. It didn't so much jump the shark or nuke the fridge as torture the shark by cutting it up into small (yet still alive) pieces, stuff them into a fridge, nuke the whole of the country containing the fridge, then resurrect the shark only to poison it with anthrax, kills its family, connect its genitals to a car battery, and have its remains savaged by a mountain lion. Only then the shark would turn out to have been working for a fictional Middle Eastern country all along. Or was it?

But if you were willing to suspend your disbelief - your sheer incredulity - there was no more exciting, adrenaline-packed way of spending 18 hours (minus commercials) and in Jack Bauer we found another great hero for our times, one who could stand proud with Bond and Bourne as a man who would do anything... no, really, anything... to get the job done.

In tribute then, here's my Top Ten (musical) suggestions for what Jack can do next...




10. The House That Jack Built (Aretha Franklin)

Jack builds a house for his daughter Kim only to discover that all the builders are actually working for the Russian mob. When they kidnap Kim because there's a 'y' in the month and she hasn't been kidnapped this episode yet (surely some oversight!), Jack gets medieval on their eyelids with power tools and vinegary salad dressing.

9. Jumpin' Jack Flash (The Rolling Stones)

Jack is given his toughest assignment ever. He must jump up and down on the spot for 24 hours without pausing to eat, sleep, breathe or go weewee, whilst simultaneously flashing every passerby with Little Jack. If he doesn't complete his mission, Big Bird from Sesame Street , Count Duckula, and Hamble and Big Ted from Play School will be senselessly slaughtered. With a chainsaw. And sticklebricks.

8. Jack Singer (Ricky Ross)

Jack goes undercover on X-Factor. Simon Cowell finally gets what's coming to him.

7. Jack On Fire (Blanche)

Terrorists capture Jack and try to force him to complete their Rubix Cube. When he won't play ball they douse him with a mixture of nitroglycerin, magnesium and gasoline then set fire to his writhing, twitching, teeth-gritting body and watch it burn for 24 hours straight. After which Jack gets really pissed off and kicks their tonsils into orbit.

6. Jackhammer Blues (Woody Guthrie)

It's Jack... with a hammer. A fucking massive hammer. You can guess the rest.

5. Jack Names The Planets (Ash)

Jack thinks the planets in our solar system have very suspicious names. Mars? Jupiter? Neptune? It's all some damned Roman conspiracy! Then there's bloody Earth. What a shit name Earth is - why didn't they just call it Dirt and have done with it? Jack decides to deal with the problem once and for all by detonating eight planet-sized nukes (plus a tiny asteroid-sized nuke for Pluto, which might not actually be a planet anymore but still... "IT'S NAMED AFTER A DAMNED DISNEY DOG, CHLOE!") and starting the galaxy again from scratch. Luckily the wind is blowing eastwards that day so none of the nuclear fall-out affects him. Or anyone else we care about.

4. Jack Killed Mom (Jenny Lewis)

Your mum has information vital to stopping a terrorist attack on Mothercare and only Jack Bauer can get it out of her. I'm so very, very sorry.

3. Hit The Road, Jack (Ray Charles)

Jack goes on a road trip across America but is horrified by the state of the nation's highways. "DAMN IT, CHLOE - THERE'S JUST TOO MANY POTHOLES!" He solves the problem by pounding every single inch of tarmac from the east coast to the west with his own face until it's all levelled out and nobody will ever get a puncture again.

2. Smackwater Jack (Carole King)

Undercover CTU moles trick our hero into going back on smack (remember season 3?) but he soon discovers it has no effect on him whatsoever. It's like drinking a glass of aired water for someone as hard as Jack Bauer. So he decides to completely eliminate the drug trade by torturing every single addict in the world, one by one, with garden shears, pliers, and Ricky Martin records, until they're all as tough - and immune to everything - as he is.

1. Jack & Diane (John Mellencamp)

Jack uncovers the truth behind the conspiracy to murder Princess Diana, storms the palace with a sponge and a rusty spanner, bites off one of Charles's ears (it keeps him going for about a week), and gets savaged by a pack of the Queen's rabid corgis.

June Listening

Where the Indelicates meet Meat Loaf... it's a scary place to live!

Been a while since I did a post on what's filling up my music player at the moment, so here's a quick run-through of some of the tracks that are keeping me from driving off the road on my way to work...



Frank Turner is the best new artist I've discovered this year. Not that he's particularly new, he was originally singer with 'post-hardcore' band Million Dead. I've not heard anything by them, but I guess they were pretty heavy. Around four years ago he went solo, reinventing himself as an angry, lyrically-charged and politicised singer-songwriter, half Billy Bragg, half Springsteen. He's released a number of albums since then, but his most recent, Poetry Of The Deed seems to be the one that's breaking him. It features the semi-hit single The Road, which was enough to convince me to buy the album... and the song above, Try This At Home, which was enough to convince me to buy his entire back catalogue.

Because the only thing that punk-rock should ever really mean
Is not sitting round and waiting for the lights to turn green
And not thinking that you're better 'cause you're stood up on a stage
If you're oh, so fucking different then who cares what you have to say?

'Cause there's no such thing as rockstars there's just people who play music
And some of them are just like us and some of them are dicks
So, quick turn off your stereo; pick up that pen and paper
Yeah, you can do much better than some skinny half-arsed English country singer...

Although I adored the Courteeners debut album, St. Jude, I'd been discouraged from buying the follow-up Falcon after a lacklustre live show at Christmas convinced me their lead singer was a bit of an arse. Still, it's only a fiver now, so I thought I'd give it a go. Glad I did. Liam Fray may have flunked the entrance exam for the Liam Gallagher School Of Humility, but he still writes far better lyrics than those Oasis boys ever managed. A welcome surprise.



My front runner for Album Of The Year continues to show no sign of wilting. Like all classic records, you peel off another layer of intrigue every time you hear it. More diverse in style than their debut, it boasts a lyrical and musical confidence that few other bands have demonstrated in the 21st century, and the fact that it's not been number one on the album chart for the last ten weeks... and it's been all but ignored by the music press... just goes to show. What it shows, I'm not entirely sure, but it's a damning indictment of something.

Because you'll never take enough of those pills
Yeah, you're too clever to be mentally ill
You'll never fashion your damaged soul
Because you're too clever to lose control...

Remember, you can download both albums by the Indelicates here - and choose for yourself exactly how much you want to pay for them. Whatever you decide, it won't be enough.



Normally when I confess my love of classic Meat Loaf, I'm all about praising the Wagnerian genius of Jim Steinman, his songwriter and collaborative loon from the days of Bat Out Of Hell, Dead Ringer et al. Sadly Meat and Stein haven't worked together in getting on for 15 years now, so when I talk about the new album Hang Cool, Teddy Bear - it's all about the Meat.

The truth is, much as I love him, Meat hasn't released a great album since he fell out with Jimbo. And sadly, Hang Cool changes nothing . It's full of overblown nonsense in search of a tune, and I wouldn't recommend it to any but the most diehard Meat fan. That said, as with previous Jimless records, there's usually one or two tracks that make it worthwhile, and this time that's down to lead single Los Angeloser. It's a work of Elvis-In-Vegas camp OTT genius, as is the video. This is music as pure entertainment, and if it doesn't make you at least crack a smile, there's no hope for you, daddy-o!



The laziest slacker in music, Evan Dando, quietly released a new Lemonheads album last year, but it came as no surprise that he couldn't be arsed to write any new songs for it. Instead, he plumped for that time-honoured tradition of lazy slacker songwriters everywhere: the covers album. A fine selection of re-interpretations they are too, including Townes Van Zandt's Waiting Round To Die, Wire's Fragile, Leonard Cohen's Hey, That's No Way To Say Goodbye and Tim Hardin's How Can We Hang On To A Dream? There are a couple of misfires: a bizarre stab at Dutch electronica (Dirty Robot, featuring Kate Moss on vocals) and Christina Aguilera's Beautiful, which has already been covered by everyone from Clem Snide to Elvis Costello to our cat Murphy. But they're more than made up for by the song above, Layin' Up With Linda, originally recorded by shock punk GG Allin (and if you want to know what I mean by 'shock punk', wikipedia him... but only if you've got a strong stomach). It's one of those songs that hooks in your head on first listen, and it's perfect for the Evan Dando growl.



You know when you start properly listening to an artist and you wonder how you ever survived without them? When's the last time that happened to you? For me, it was a couple of weeks ago when I finally got round to buying the first 3 homemade albums by Superman Revenge Squad (you can order all three here for just £2.50 each + 50p p&p - another bargain). The track above explains exactly why he's making music, and why you should be buying it.



Hoyt Axton is perhaps most famous as Zach Galligan's dad in Gremlins. But long before that he was a successful songwriter, penning hits for Three Dog Night (Joy To The World), John Denver, Steppenwolf, Ringo Starr and others. Probably the most famous track he recorded himself was Della and The Dealer, a song I remember hearing Terry Wogan play regularly before the radio went arrogantly ginger. It's a little nugget of country genius, and I can't get enough of it.

Top Ten Haircut Songs

Thanks to Penelope, I've started work on a new Top Ten Music feature... yet it's rather spiralled out of control and might take a little more work than these countdowns normally do. In the meantime, I'll keep up with the random playlists... this one's for anybody who's had a new haircut this week.

Special mention goes to Nick Heyward, the nicest popstar I ever met, and Haircut 100. Where do we go from here? Is it down to the lake, I fear...

Runners up included SFA's Ice Hockey Hair, Mercury Rev's Car Wash Hair, The Charlatans' Jesus Hairdo and Half Man Half Biscuit's tragic Hair Like Bryan May Blues...

But these, in my humble opinion, are the dos that most definitely do.

10. George Thorogood - Get A Haircut

"...and get a real job!"

Sage advice from George T. Pity I never took it.

9. Tracie Young - Boy Hairdresser

I think it was JC, The Vinyl Villain who introduced me to Tracie Young, probably because I wasn't paying enough attention during her brief 15 minutes back in 1984. This song was co-written by Paul Weller and seemed set to spur her on to stardom, particularly when she was voted Most-Fanciable Female by the readers of Smash Hits. Sadly, twas not to be.

8. The Waifs - Haircut

The Waifs are an Australian band I really must investigate in more depth. They're darker underneath...

7. Pavement - Cut Your Hair

Scruffy bunch of American indie scalliwags with not a decent haircut between 'em. Shave 'em all and send 'em in the army - 'specially Malkmus!

6. Jim White - Combing My Hair In A Brand New Style

"He used a blue hair comb with a busted tooth
To comb out the tangles of his messed-up youth."

If only it was that easy.

5. The Divine Comedy - Bernice Bobs Her Hair

Her hair was long
Her hair was dark
Her hair flowed down her back
And now it lies upon the floor
Bernice runs out the door

None on her head, just down her back, as the old Eric Morecambe gag goes.

4. Beck - Devil's Haircut

Beck updates Stagger Lee and introduces him to 90s consumerism via a Noel Gallager remix.

3. Regina Spektor - Samson

Ah, Regina Spektor, whatever happened? Begin To Hope was such a perfect album... why did its follow-up, Far, leave me so cold? Who cut your hair in between records?

2. Morrissey - Hairdresser On Fire

Poor old Morrissey, even his hairdresser's too busy to see him. Apparently there are barber shops in both Connecticut and Copenhagen named after this song.

1. Billy Bragg - Walk Away Renée

With Johnny Marr playing the tune of The Left Banke's 60s hit as backing, Billy makes up his own heartbreaking lyrics - a short story of young love doomed by infidelity and haircuts. Perfect.



So go on then, what's your favourite haircut song?