Top Ten Uptown / Downtown Songs

We'll get sexual next week. I promise. Meanwhile, for no reason other than I thought it'd make a cool playlist...

When I started compiling this top ten, I had the notion that 'uptown' and 'downtown' were more American concepts than British. Then I remembered that here in Yorkshire it's quite common to hear someone say "I'm going up town" or especially "I'm off down town". If someone not from Yorkshire were to attempt to write those phrases phonetically, they'd use that annoying t' abbreviation that nobody actually uses round these parts ("I'm off down t' town"). There is no t', we just miss out the definite article completely. There endeth today's Yorkshire grammar lesson... now on with the songs.

10. Dogs Must Be Carried - Way Downtown

DMBC were a comedy indie band from London who brought out an album packed with cleverly written and well-performed parodies of acts like Pulp, Morrissey, Van Morrison and this, their T-Rex moment. Sadly I can't find any of those on youtube, but if you click here, you can hear their hilarious Liam Lynch parody 'United Kingdom Of Whenever' (the X-Files lyric makes me smile every time). And their album is still available to download from that Amazon, should you be so inclined.

9. Primal Scream - Uptown

Primal Scream were a comedy indie band who brought out a series of cleverly written and well-performed parodies of The Rolling Stones (only joshing, lads!)... although this one sounds more like George Michael, actually.

8. The Blue Nile - The Downtown Lights

I've probably told this story before, but when does that ever stop me? About 15 or so years ago, I had a really bad bout of insomnia. I tried everything to help me fall asleep but nothing did the trick. Then I put The Blue Nile's album 'Hats' on the headphones... problem solved.

7. The Crystals - Uptown

Ah, Phil Spector, where are you now? Oh, wait, you're in the nick, serving time for crimes against hairpieces and working with Starsailor. Still, nobody who could make records like this could be all bad.

6. Petula Clark - Downtown

When you're alone and life is making you lonely
You can always go downtown

It's diabolical that my first thought on hearing the name Tony Hatch is "Crossroads theme tune" rather than "Downtown".

5. Billy Joel - Uptown Girl

Everyone knows that Billy Joel dedicated this song to his then-wife Christie Brinkley, yet wikipedia claims it was originally written about his previous girlfriend, Elle Macpherson. Billy Joel: the former boxer who looks like he took one too many roundhouses to the face before he became a pop star. Macpherson, then Brinkley. He must have a terrific... sense of humour.

I'm a huge Billy Joel fan, but this record has been tarnished by far too many wedding party discos. And the video is cheese on a log.

4. Lloyd Cole - Downtown

I want to see a touch of evil in your eye
But all that I'm getting babe is sweetness and lies
I want to see something that I might desire
I want to take you down babe into the mire
Deals going down no chance no masking
One thing's for sure never get what you're asking
They're coming with Johnsons, they're coming with knives
They're robbing your boots when they give you a shoe shine

Obviously a different area than the one Petula frequented. This'd be the part of town I'd break down in.

3. Randy Edelman - Uptown Uptempo Woman

Don't care what you say, I love this. He may look like the fired fourth member of Rod, Jane & Freddie, but dude can play piano... and has some stamina in the lovemaking department if his lyrics are even half-true.

2. Tom Waits - Downtown Train

There was a time when Tom Waits sounded like little more than a hoarse Springsteen. And nothing wrong with that. See also Downtown. It's obviously a part of town Tom knew well.

1. Althia & Donna - Uptown Top Ranking

Undoubtedly the coolest uptown or downtown record ever recorded, and the Black Box Recorder version ain't too shabby neither.

As an experiment, I've tried making this Top Ten available on spotify. Click here if you're into that stuff... and let me know if it works.



So... Uptown or Downtown. Where you headed tonight?

2010 - Albums Of The Year (20 - 11)

And so I conclude the 2010 review with my customary countdown of my favourite albums of the year. The usual provisos apply... including the one about me no longer caring about being seen as remotely cool, so nyah nyah if you don't like Meat Loaf, get over it, you fake hipsters... and the one about me not having heard every single record that was released in 2010 - not even every single one I might actually want to hear, and there being loads of stuff I'm either just getting round to or haven't even bought yet that may well blow some of the albums listed below completely out of the water...

But really, if you need all that spelling out to you... what are you, an idiot?

These were the records that kept me from ploughing into the back of countless Audis throughout the course of 2010...



20. Everybody Was In The French Resistance... Now! - Fixing The Charts Volume 1

With no new Art Brut record to big up, Eddie Argos teamed with his girlFREN, Dyan Valdes (of The Blood Arm) for an album of amusing answer songs. It filled the gap till the Brut get back.



19. The Courteeners - Falcon

Difficult second album syndrome plagues the Courteeners - yet that debut really took some beating...



18. Superman Revenge Squad - Dead Crow Blues

A songwriter I seriously learned to love in 2010, though his latest release wasn't quite as marvellous as the previous three. Newbies should start with 'This is my own personal way of dealing with it all' and work their way up. The older records are available for an insanely cheap £3 (inc. P&P) from Ben's website.



17. James - The Night Before / The Morning After

Tim Booth and the gang came back with a bang with two themed mini albums, the first an upbeat Saturday night record, the second a thoughtful and touching comedown. Stand out track of the latter is told from the perspective of Booth's elderly mother, now living out her twilight years in a retirement home. It's a choker.



16. Meat Loaf - Hang Cool, Teddy Bear

Meat Loaf without Jim Steinman is like toast without butter, but as it's unlikely those two will ever kiss and make up, Marvin's latest stab at OTT immortality manages better than most. As you'd expect, he throws in everything it can get its hands on - from Justin Hawkins to Jack Black to the kitchen sink - turning it all up to 11 and praying. One track even features Hugh Laurie on piano. If we can't have Jim Steinman... this is about as good as it gets.



15. The Divine Comedy - Bang Goes The Knighthood

Now officially a national treasure. So treasure him!

This video features Neil and his blow-up doll. A love story for the ages...



14. Thea Gilmore - Murphy's Heart

Still the greatest contemporary British female singer songwriter... still criminally unappreciated.



13. Lloyd Cole - Broken Record

Another national treasure, though he long since deserted us for the States. Growing old gracefully, he even brought a proper band along with him for his latest album... but stopped just short of causing a commotion.



12. The Hold Steady - Heaven Is Whenever

The best and worst that can be said of this is that it's just another Hold Steady record. Hardly groundbreaking, but it does exactly what it says on the tin.

She said I just can't sympathise with your rock 'n' roll problems...

11. Evelyn Evelyn - Evelyn Evelyn

My second best new musical discovery of 2010 (the first will be revealed tomorrow), Amanda Palmer's debut solo record was one of my top five most listened to discs this year. Unfortunately, it was released in 2008. This is the record she did release this year, a cabaret concept album that tells the story of two Siamese twins, Evelyn and Evelyn, their circus life and tragic romantic demise. It's unlike anything else I heard this year, which is always a good thing.



Tomorrow... the Top Ten (d'oh!).

Catching Up

Between going to That London, editing my latest novel (which I've now decided is finished, bar the tinkering, and will be much shorter than originally planned, but hopefully much better for it), writing stories for Friday Flash and Thoughtballoons, and setting up a fake Twitter account to take the piss out of the most annoying man on telly (don't tell anyone it's me)... I've gotten a little behind on my usual blogging subjects. So here's a quick catch-up of some of the things I've seen, done, read and listened to lately...

You know when you see a film and you LOVE it, even though you know it could be much better? RED is the best could-be-much-better film I've seen all year. It's a little slow in places. A little corny. And Helen Mirren is - surprisingly - not very good. But... it has real heart, which is rare for an action movie. The opening sequence is exceptional. Bruce Willis really underplays it - not a smirk in sight. Mary Louise Parker is both hilarious and beautiful (and unlike a lot of women in Hollywood, seems to be maturing without the aid of botox). Malkovich hams it up like he's in panto. Karl Urban proves Bones wasn't a one-off scene-stealer. And amazingly for a film adapted from a Warren Ellis comic, this is the least cynical Hollywood movie I've seen in years. It's a heartwarming feel-good action romp like they don't make any more. No, it's not perfect, but it's a lot of fun. And a damn sight better than The Expendables.

Slightly less feelgood, though still enjoyable in its own way, is the "Lesbian Moms" flick The Kids Are All Right. Mark Ruffalo steals this one with his laidback manchild routine. Much as I admire Julianne Moore and Annette Bening, there's something insufferably smug about their characters that almost tips this film into annoying. Almost, but not quite. It's an adult relationships comedy that does some amusing things, though I really can't credit the Oscar buzz. And it has been saddled with the rubbishest film title of the year - what, they just put The Who on random play and picked the next song up? What was wrong with "My Two Moms"?



Lloyd Cole's new album Broken Record is garnering some of his best reviews in years. I suspect it's down to the fact that Lloyd's dragged a full band along with him this time rather than playing the acoustic troubadour card. I've seen him do that one-man-and-his-guitar act quite a bit over the last few years and it never grows tired... but seeing him perform his greatestest hits (plus the best of the new stuff) accompanied by two other fine musicians really was a treat. Some of the best guitar work I've heard in a long time. No drums though, he hates taking drums on tour - far too much hassle! I don't love Broken Record quite as much as I did 2003's Music In A Foreign Language, but it does feature Lloyd at his literate, world-weary best. Highly recommended, particularly if you get the chance to see it performed live.



I've mentioned the Ben Folds / Nick Hornby collaboration before, but it's worth another plug as it's fast becoming one of my favourite records of the year. Particularly their tribute to veteran songwriter Doc Pomus...

Finally, Comic of the Week comes from my sometime PJANG #4 collaborator, Ryan Taylor. The Grinning Mask is a fun tribute to the old EC horror comics, down to its Frederick Wertham-inspired title. Childhood hi-jinks meet scary monsters - excellent work from Ryan on story and art. Find out more about The Grinning Mask here.

Speaking of PJANG... issue #5 will be heading to the printers shortly, with not one but TWO covers by Nige Lowrey. Here's the first, based on the strip 'The Ex-Men', illustrated by Kelvin Green, to whet your appetite. Second cover to follow soon...

Mozipedia

Simon Goddard's Mozipedia takes obsession too far. It's everything you ever wanted to know about Morrissey... and quite a bit you probably never wanted to know, unless you're a stalker. This massive 500 page breeze-block of a book traces the sources of every lyric, every drummer, every acquaintance... yet throughout all this, the author can't decide whether he wants to stick to just the facts or offer a critical assessment, indulge in hearsay and gossip or tow the official Morrissey line.

Often fascinating, the track by track entries are vital, but many of the others blur the line between curiosity and trainspottery. Want to know more about every actor, poet, playwright, musician, philospher and street-sweeper Morrissey has ever expressed even a passing interest in? Then this is the book for you. But even if you're only reading a couple of entries a night (as I did), you may find such scrupulous attention to detail combined with dogmatic hero worship gets a little tiring after a while.

Goddard's Morrissey fixation also blinds him to the merits of other artists (unless they're artists Moz adores - the entry on Moz's precious New York Dolls falls over itself to keep the great man happy), and he's often two-faced in his critical appraisal. For example, in an entry on Lloyd Cole, Goddard writes...

"When it came to cultural references, Cole was notoriously heavy handed, peppering his lyrics with the names of Simone de Beavoir, Grace Kelly and Norman Mailer. Although Morrissey has borrowed from literary and cinematic sources, never has he sung anything as crudely referential as "she looks like Eve Marie Saint in On The Waterfront".

Later though, in the entry on Pier Paolo Pasolini...

"Italian neo-realist film director referenced in You Have Killed Me along with his debut feature film ACCATONE."

So it's OK for Moz to namedrop obscure Italian filmmakers in his lyrics, but not for Lloyd Cole to romanticise a woman by comparing her to one of Hitchcock's favourite actresses? Now I'm a big fan of both Morrissey and Cole, so I like to think I'm unbiased... but really, which is the better song, the better lyric? Rattlesnakes or You Have Killed Me? Come on, Simon - take off the blinkers for just a second, man!

Most amusing of all is the entry on infamous Smith biographer Johnny Rogan -Goddard seething with jealousy that Rogan's Severed Alliance found its way onto Morrissey's radar while his own Songs That Saved Your Life merited less than a blip. One wonders what Morrissey would make of Goddard's latest love letter? I can't help but think that, like me, he'd find it a little excessive... though hardly worth the effort to complain about.

All that said, I consider myself fortunate to have read the Mozipedia. Firstly because many of the entries provided information I hadn't read before (and I've read a fair few Morrissey books in my time). There's certainly no faulting Goddard's research. Secondly, I didn't have to pay for it. It was a gift from the world's most generous blogger. He knows who he is. Many thanks, JC.

30 Songs - Day 15

Can't believe I've been doing this meme since April and I've only just reached the halfway point! In case you missed any of the previous days (how could you live with yourself?)...

Day 1 - My Favourite Song

Day 2 - My Least Favourite Song

Day 3 - A Song That Makes Me Happy

Day 4 - A Song That Makes Me Sad

Day 5 - A Song That Reminds Me Of Someone

Day 6 - A Song That Reminds Me Of Somewhere

Day 7 - A Song That Reminds Me Of A Certain Event

Day 8 - A Song I Know All The Words To

Day 9 - A Song I Can Dance To

Day 10 - A Song That Makes Me Fall Asleep

Day 11 - A Song From My Favourite Band

Day 12 - A Song From A Band I Hate

Day 13 - a Song That's A Guilty Pleasure

Day 14 - A Song No One Would Expect Me To Love

All of which brings me to...


Day 15 - A Song That Describes You


Oh, the endless possibilities! Do I go for Theaudience's A Pessimist Is Never Disappointed (Sophie Ellis-Bextor when she was cool...er - she'll always be cool, even as a pop kid.)

Or how about Lloyd Cole's woeful Mr. Malcontent?

Starsailor's Poor, Misguided Fool?

Or Justin Currie's ode to misanthropy No, Surrender? (That comma is essential.)


No, let's try and be positive about myself for a change, eh? Just to surprise you all...