Top Ten Uptown / Downtown Songs

We'll get sexual next week. I promise. Meanwhile, for no reason other than I thought it'd make a cool playlist...

When I started compiling this top ten, I had the notion that 'uptown' and 'downtown' were more American concepts than British. Then I remembered that here in Yorkshire it's quite common to hear someone say "I'm going up town" or especially "I'm off down town". If someone not from Yorkshire were to attempt to write those phrases phonetically, they'd use that annoying t' abbreviation that nobody actually uses round these parts ("I'm off down t' town"). There is no t', we just miss out the definite article completely. There endeth today's Yorkshire grammar lesson... now on with the songs.

10. Dogs Must Be Carried - Way Downtown

DMBC were a comedy indie band from London who brought out an album packed with cleverly written and well-performed parodies of acts like Pulp, Morrissey, Van Morrison and this, their T-Rex moment. Sadly I can't find any of those on youtube, but if you click here, you can hear their hilarious Liam Lynch parody 'United Kingdom Of Whenever' (the X-Files lyric makes me smile every time). And their album is still available to download from that Amazon, should you be so inclined.

9. Primal Scream - Uptown

Primal Scream were a comedy indie band who brought out a series of cleverly written and well-performed parodies of The Rolling Stones (only joshing, lads!)... although this one sounds more like George Michael, actually.

8. The Blue Nile - The Downtown Lights

I've probably told this story before, but when does that ever stop me? About 15 or so years ago, I had a really bad bout of insomnia. I tried everything to help me fall asleep but nothing did the trick. Then I put The Blue Nile's album 'Hats' on the headphones... problem solved.

7. The Crystals - Uptown

Ah, Phil Spector, where are you now? Oh, wait, you're in the nick, serving time for crimes against hairpieces and working with Starsailor. Still, nobody who could make records like this could be all bad.

6. Petula Clark - Downtown

When you're alone and life is making you lonely
You can always go downtown

It's diabolical that my first thought on hearing the name Tony Hatch is "Crossroads theme tune" rather than "Downtown".

5. Billy Joel - Uptown Girl

Everyone knows that Billy Joel dedicated this song to his then-wife Christie Brinkley, yet wikipedia claims it was originally written about his previous girlfriend, Elle Macpherson. Billy Joel: the former boxer who looks like he took one too many roundhouses to the face before he became a pop star. Macpherson, then Brinkley. He must have a terrific... sense of humour.

I'm a huge Billy Joel fan, but this record has been tarnished by far too many wedding party discos. And the video is cheese on a log.

4. Lloyd Cole - Downtown

I want to see a touch of evil in your eye
But all that I'm getting babe is sweetness and lies
I want to see something that I might desire
I want to take you down babe into the mire
Deals going down no chance no masking
One thing's for sure never get what you're asking
They're coming with Johnsons, they're coming with knives
They're robbing your boots when they give you a shoe shine

Obviously a different area than the one Petula frequented. This'd be the part of town I'd break down in.

3. Randy Edelman - Uptown Uptempo Woman

Don't care what you say, I love this. He may look like the fired fourth member of Rod, Jane & Freddie, but dude can play piano... and has some stamina in the lovemaking department if his lyrics are even half-true.

2. Tom Waits - Downtown Train

There was a time when Tom Waits sounded like little more than a hoarse Springsteen. And nothing wrong with that. See also Downtown. It's obviously a part of town Tom knew well.

1. Althia & Donna - Uptown Top Ranking

Undoubtedly the coolest uptown or downtown record ever recorded, and the Black Box Recorder version ain't too shabby neither.

As an experiment, I've tried making this Top Ten available on spotify. Click here if you're into that stuff... and let me know if it works.



So... Uptown or Downtown. Where you headed tonight?

Top Ten Valentine Songs

We'll get back to sexy next week... today though, we're going with soppy. Or not, as many of these songs look at the darker side of Valentine's Day. Which is good because I've never been a fan. If you're not in a relationship, it's just another kick in the ribs. If you are... well, not everything's roses, is it?

10. The Humms - No One Wants To Be Alone On Valentine's Day

Goes without saying really.

9. The Killers - The Ballad Of Michael Valentine

More tarnished Vegas romanticism from Brandon Flowers Pops.

8. The Very Sexuals - Anti-Valentine

Sounding like the Jesus & Mary Chain playing Unchained Melody in a Twin Peaks bar, this track is available to download free (along with the rest of their excellent album, Post-Apocalyptic Love) from the Very Sexuals website.

7. Richard Hawley - Valentine

About the only truly romantic song on this countdown, but that's OK because it's Richard Hawley and that's allowed.

6. The Auteurs - Lenny Valentino

In another life, Luke Haines was the south coast's answer to Martin Scorcese. Or Oliver Stone...

5. Tom Waits - Blue Valentines

Guilt and betrayal haunt every line of Tom Waits' apocalyptic love letter. Just devastating.

4. Bruce Springsteen - Valentine's Day

Nobody writes "driving to see my baby" songs like Bruce and this is one of his most atmospheric. Like much of the Tunnel Of Love album, it's dark and dramatic.

Is it the sound of the leaves
Left blown by the wayside
That's got me out here on this spooky old highway tonight?
Is it the cry of the river
With the moonlight shining through?
That ain't what scares me baby
What scares me is losing you

3. Frank Sinatra - My Funny Valentine

Or you might prefer the Elvis Costello version. Depends what kind of day I'm having.

2. Ruth - Valentine's Day

Stay out of my way on Valentine's Day!

Ah, Ruth... with tunes this good, you should have been massive.

1. Billy Bragg - Valentine's Day Is Over

One of Billy's best. Damn, these lyrics take some beating...

Thank you for the things you bought me, thank you for the card
Thank you for the things you taught me when you hit me hard
That love between two people must be based on understanding
Until that's true you'll find your things
All stacked out on the landing, surprise, surprise
Valentine's Day is over

But which song were you hoping for in the post this morning?

Top Ten Songs About The 50s

Because I want to do a Top Ten Songs About The 80s in a few weeks time, and because I'm a saddo list-compiler completist, I first had to go back further, to the dawn of rock 'n' roll. Just be glad I couldn't find enough songs about the 30s or 40s... or the 1800s.

To be clear - this isn't my favourite songs FROM the fifties... all these tracks were released much later. It's just a list of tracks that recall that mythical decade in one way or another...

10. Ronnie Milsap - Lost In The 50s Tonight

It's crass music journo shorthand to call Ronnie Milsap the "country Stevie Wonder" just because he's blind... so I won't.

This song was recorded in 1985... yet it could easily have come from thirty years earlier.

9. Patti Smith - 1959

I like Patti Smith. Horses? Great album. That one with Because The Night on? Even better. Let's face it, there are those who believe Morrissey and Marr named their band after her... so really, who am I to be critical?

However...

This song does contain the following lyric...

Wisdom was a teapot
Pouring from above.

???

8. The Police - Born In The 50s

OK, Sting, here's the problem. You call your song Born In The 50s, yet all your lyrics refer to events that took place in the 60s.

My mother cried
When president Kennedy died
She said it was the communists
But I knew better

Also, it seems Sting knew exactly who shot JFK... even when he was a little kid. Pity the Warren Commission didn't just ask li'l Gordon. And what's more...

They screamed
When the Beatles sang
And they laughed when the King fell down the stairs
Oh they should've known better
Oh we hated our Aunts
Then we messed in our pants

I swear I'm not making these lyrics up. I take back everything I said about Patti Smith's teapot.

7. Dion - Queen of '59

From the album Streetheart, which came bundled up on CD with its far superior (Phil Spector produced) predecessor, Born To Be With You, this is a nice little duet with Phil Everly, written about Dion's wife Susan. Damned if I can find it anywhere on the internet though.

6. Tom Waits - Ol' 55

Tom Waits takes his vintage automobile out for a spin. I have no idea what sort of car this would be, but I want to say Buick. Apparently the Eagles covered this track, but Tom wasn't too impressed, calling their version "antiseptic". But then, he hates the fucking Eagles, man.

5. The Gaslight Anthem - The '59 Sound

You ain't supposed to die on a Saturday night, not even for making a career out of impersonating the E Street Band.

4. Beach Boys - Disney Girls (1957)

A nostalgic ode from Beach Boy Bruce Johnson, released in the 70s when the 50s already felt like a golden age. I'm not sure how much of this is American Happy Days mythologising (certainly Britain in the 50s doesn't look half as appealing with hindsight) but you can hear in this song exactly why Marty McFly had to go back there.

3. Morrissey - Munich Air Disaster 1958

As if to prove my point about Britain, here's Morrissey with a song dedicated to the Manchester United team killed on their way home from Germany. In black and white, no doubt.

2. Billy Joel - We Didn't Start The Fire

Some may question this track's inclusion. To them I say: compile your own list. This infamous 80s list song begins in the year of Joel's birth, 1949, but spends more of its time in the 50s than it does in the 60s, 70s or 80s... as illustrated in this excessively detailed guide to every single lyric.

We Didn't Start The Fire was released at the height of my teenage Joel-mania, when I really should have been listening to the Smiths... but wasn't. I still love it, even the bit where he obviously can't think of a rhyme for "JFK blown away". He should have asked Sting.

1. Richard Thompson - 1952 Black Lightning

A wonderful story about Richard Thompson's favourite motorcycle, and the heartbreaking romance it inspires. Would also likely make Number One in my Top Ten Motorbike Songs... if I ever get round to that.

Said Red Molly to James that's a fine motorbike
A girl could feel special on any such like
Said James to Red Molly, well my hat's off to you
It's a Vincent Black Lightning, 1952
And I've seen you at the corners and cafes it seems
Red hair and black leather, my favorite color scheme
And he pulled her on behind
And down to Box Hill they did ride

So... do you remember any songs about the 50s? Or are you all too young?

Top Ten Misery Songs

In a change to the expected programme, we take a break from Top Tens about popular beverages, and take a request from the floor instead. Kelvin didn't actually ask for a Top Ten Misery Songs... but he's getting it anyway.


10. Graham Coxon - Bittersweet Bundle Of Misery ( From Happiness in Magazines)

Kelvin thinks this sounds suspiciously similar GC's solo Blur outing Coffee & TV. I'm not sure I agree. You?

9. The Beatles - Misery ( From Please Please Me)

Yes, yes, I know, it's the friggin' Beatles. But always better a miserable Beatles than some happy-happy joy-joy grinning-Macca Beatles.

This was the first Lennon & McCartney composition to be covered by another artist. Originally written for Helen Shapiro, but she rejected it, the honour of being the first ever Beatles cover star actually went to comedian and singer Kenny Lynch. Yep, this guy...

8. Pink & Steven Tyler - Misery ( From M!ssundaztood)

Pink and Steven Tyler... now that's what I call scary.

7. Frightened Rabbit - Not Miserable

I will always remember the night that I almost drowned
All alone in a house

And the love that I lost
With all of the shit that came out in the wash
Just a pocket of fluff

And I'm not put upon
I'm free from disease, no grays, no liver spots
Most of the misery's gone
Gone, gone to the bone

No, lads, not miserable at all.

Taken from the album Winter of Mixed Drinks- which might be my album title of the year - even if the record itself isn't a patch on their last one.

6. Green Day - Misery ( From Warning)

Green Day write their own version of Walk On The Wild Side... the rest is misery.

5. The Pet Shop Boys - Miserablism ( From
Alternative)

Just for the sake of it
make sure you're always frowning
(Angst! Angst! Angst!)
It shows the world
that you've got substance and depth

Thank you, Neil, you made me feel good about myself... for a flickering millisecond. Was it worth it?

4. Half Man Half Biscuit - Reasons To Be Miserable (Part 10) ( From Back in the Dhss)

A fairly attractive girl walks past a building site and from underneath an industrial safety helmet you hear (wolf whistle) and you stand there witnessing the whole Neanderthal situation, wanting to twist your own brain out as they sit satisfied on their newly-built wall, laughing their hods off...

Reasons to be miserable
Another good excuse to be dead
It’s one more thing to gripe about
As I while away my days in bed

3. Brendan Benson - Misery ( From My Old, Familiar Friend)

Brendan Benson sounds more like mid-period Elvis Costello with every new record. If you're going to sound like anyone, that's a good place to start.

2. Tom Waits - Misery Is The River Of The World ( From Blood Money)

On which Tom plays calliope - or steam-powered organ. Forget guitars, we need more calliopes them in pop.

1. The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now ( From Hatful of Hollow)

Come on, you all knew where this was going... it was this or Miserable Lie. No contest really.

The song most often mocked by non-Smith fans (i.e. me, circa 1985) who claim the band are miserablists... and just don't get the irony.

Apparently this is one of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's 500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll. Which is pretty cool for all kinds of reasons.



So... what's your favourite misery music?