Top Ten Astronaut Songs

Leftover from my collection of Spacemen and Spacewomen Songs, I realised I had enough tracks to make an Astronauts' Top Ten too. And I think it's gonna be a long, long list...



(Sadly no Sleeper in this list, but their debut album cover seemed appropriate.)

10. Clint Boon Experience - Andy Gill Astronaut / Tiger Woods Astronaut

I couldn't find either of the above tracks from Clint Boon's seminal 1999 album The Compact Guide to Pop Music & Space Travel anywhere on youtube, but I did find this, an alternate version with Phillip Glass as its inspiration.

9. Cloud Atlas - Even Astronauts

A Welsh band named after David Mitchell's insanely enjoyable novel (soon to be desecrated at a cinema near you with Tom Hanks... presumably he'll play one of the clouds... or an atlas... or a plank). Cloud Atlas have a chunky indie guitar sound and interesting lyrics. Sadly, it looks like they gave up the fight a couple of years back. Unless you know differently... (I've stopped saying bands have split up because someone always ends up telling me they recently got back together.)

8. Guns 'n' Roses - Rocket Queen

A song about a girl Axl knew who was going to call her band Rocket Queen (and therefore nothing to do with actual astronauts), this sneaks into the Top Ten by being from the very best GNR album and rocking like a chair.

7. Suede - Astrogirl

Because it's high time we had some Brett Anderson in one of these top tens. Even a track from the least popular Suede album is better than nothing.

6. Amanda Palmer - Astronaut

This, on the other hand, is one of many stand out tracks from the very best Amanda Palmer album (thus far - there's a new one promised later this year from the prolific Mrs. Gaiman), Who Killed Amanda Palmer. Also, if you're looking for a rhyme with 'astronaut', 'after-thought' takes some beating...

5. Frigid Vinegar - Dogmonaut 2000 (Is There Anyone Out There?)

A lost classic from the 90s about a YTS Jedi who steals the wheels off abandoned spaceships. You can't make it up.

4. The National - Looking For Astronauts

The National are a great example of a band whose lyrics sound like they mean a lot more than they actually do. That's not a bad thing. Not always, anyway.

3. Riff Raff - I Wanna Be A Cosmonaut

Before he was Billy Bragg, he was just one half of Riff Raff (with Wiggy). They made a delightful punk noise... but his best tunes lay ahead of him.

2. The Divine Comedy - Laika's Theme / Absent Friends

Laika, if you're scratching your head, was a pioneering astronaut: the first dog to successfully orbit the earth. Sadly, she died up there, but Neil Hannon paid eulogy to her twice on the album Absent Friends, firstly on the instrumental theme named after her, and secondly in the title track...

Laika flew through inky blue
'Til Laika neared the atmosphere
And Laika knew
Laika's life was through.
Here's to absent friends...

1. Elton John - Rocket Man

I'm surprised nobody's asked me about the absence of this track from previous lists - it could easily have fit the Spacemen, Countdown, Spaceship or Mars Top Tens ("Mars ain't the kind of place to raise your kids," after all). I've been saving it up, because whatever you might think of Elton's crimes against sanity in recent times... there's no denying this is a stone cold John/Taupin classic.

"I'm not the man they think I am at home..."

Indeed.



Those were my favourite astronaut songs... but which one gets you high as a kite?

Top Ten Spaceship Songs

My musical exploration of space continues.

You may be wondering how I'm planning on getting up into the stars? Here's ten modes of interstellar transportation I considered...

10. The Rezillos - Flying Saucer Attack

Laser beams and gamma projectors
There'll be nothing on earth to protect us
When they arrive out of the sky
They'll be frying us alive

I think I'll wait for the next bus.

9. Def Leppard - Rocket

Oh, come on, you know you don't mean that. It's only Def Leppard. Calm down. Who wouldn't want to go into space with poodle-rockers from Sheffield and a one-armed drummer?

8. Starship - Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now

They started out as a Jefferson Airplane, but that wasn't going to be Slick enough to get them into space. Becoming a Starship rocketed them to the top of the charts.

Heh. DJ puns. They could have been my life.

7. The Wedding Present - Flying Saucer

Dave Gedge has been collecting rusty old spacecraft for years. He also has a Rocket (though sadly you can't hear that on youtube).

6. Suicide - Rocket USA

If flying saucers ever did invade earth, this would be the perfect song to accompany their otherworldly attack. Deeply unsettling, even though it's actually got very little to do with space travel.

5. Peter Parker - Swallow The Rockets

The name of this band is Peter Parker. 'Nuff said.

If I had to go into space, I'd want Peter Parker as my co-pilot. Obviously.

4. Julian Cope - Spacehopper

Julian Cope may well be singing about the orange children's toy with hang-on ears... but I like to picture him riding through space on said item. Kind of like the Silver Surfer... but cooler.

3. Billy Bragg - My Flying Saucer

Care of Woody Guthrie, a sad little song about getting deserted by the mothership. Just like ET. Billy Bragg phone home.

2. Elbow - Lippy Kids

The "title" track from 'Build A Rocket, Boys!'

1. The Kinks - Supersonic Rocket Ship

On my supersonic rocket ship
Nobody has to be hip
Nobody needs to be out of sight. Out of sight.
Nobody's gonna travel second class
There'll be equality
And no suppression of minorities. Well alright.
We'll take this planet, shake it round
And turn it upside down.
My supersonic rocket ship.

Ray Davies: astronaut of pop genius.



So, that's my transportation sorted. If you had to go into space on a musical ship... which would you choose?

Top Ten Valentine Songs

We'll get back to sexy next week... today though, we're going with soppy. Or not, as many of these songs look at the darker side of Valentine's Day. Which is good because I've never been a fan. If you're not in a relationship, it's just another kick in the ribs. If you are... well, not everything's roses, is it?

10. The Humms - No One Wants To Be Alone On Valentine's Day

Goes without saying really.

9. The Killers - The Ballad Of Michael Valentine

More tarnished Vegas romanticism from Brandon Flowers Pops.

8. The Very Sexuals - Anti-Valentine

Sounding like the Jesus & Mary Chain playing Unchained Melody in a Twin Peaks bar, this track is available to download free (along with the rest of their excellent album, Post-Apocalyptic Love) from the Very Sexuals website.

7. Richard Hawley - Valentine

About the only truly romantic song on this countdown, but that's OK because it's Richard Hawley and that's allowed.

6. The Auteurs - Lenny Valentino

In another life, Luke Haines was the south coast's answer to Martin Scorcese. Or Oliver Stone...

5. Tom Waits - Blue Valentines

Guilt and betrayal haunt every line of Tom Waits' apocalyptic love letter. Just devastating.

4. Bruce Springsteen - Valentine's Day

Nobody writes "driving to see my baby" songs like Bruce and this is one of his most atmospheric. Like much of the Tunnel Of Love album, it's dark and dramatic.

Is it the sound of the leaves
Left blown by the wayside
That's got me out here on this spooky old highway tonight?
Is it the cry of the river
With the moonlight shining through?
That ain't what scares me baby
What scares me is losing you

3. Frank Sinatra - My Funny Valentine

Or you might prefer the Elvis Costello version. Depends what kind of day I'm having.

2. Ruth - Valentine's Day

Stay out of my way on Valentine's Day!

Ah, Ruth... with tunes this good, you should have been massive.

1. Billy Bragg - Valentine's Day Is Over

One of Billy's best. Damn, these lyrics take some beating...

Thank you for the things you bought me, thank you for the card
Thank you for the things you taught me when you hit me hard
That love between two people must be based on understanding
Until that's true you'll find your things
All stacked out on the landing, surprise, surprise
Valentine's Day is over

But which song were you hoping for in the post this morning?

Top Ten In Between Songs

I'm in between a great many things at the moment. In between jobs. In between ages (hey, kids - Rol's life begins on March 19th... apparently!). In between... oh, I'm sure I'm in between some other stuff. Just go with it, will you? It's ten great songs, that's all you need to know.

10. Idlewild - The Space Between All Things

There's something about the lyrics to this particular Idlewild track that reminds me of Lloyd Cole. It's got that same sophisticated sadness.

All the walls of your house were painted in deep blue
You're at that indecisive age to choose colours that reflect you
And everything and nothing is in the space between all things

The best thing about Idlewild will always be their lead singer's name though. Roddie Woomble. Genius.

9. Rufus Wainwright - Between My Legs

Rufus gets all gynaecological. I can handle the notion that he's "wearing his heart between his legs" but I get the juvenile sniggers when he sings "And I shed a tear between my legs". What, like doing a wee?

8. Mary McGregor - Torn Between Two Lovers

Written by Peter of ...Paul & Mary fame, and inspired by Dr. Zhivago. You didn't know that, did you? You did? Smart arse.

I love this picture of Mary McGregor I found on wikipedia. It's so fresh-faced and 70s. She could be an Angel, Charlie.

7. The Melting Ice Caps - Between Eros & Agape

The Melting Ice Caps are ace. Which seems like a rather unecological thing to say. But the band are literate, sensitive, tuneful and witty. What else do you want from your lyricists? This track (along with a bunch of their other excellent singles) is available to download free from their website. Go do it now!

6. The Persuaders - A Thin Line Between Love & Hate

No, not Roger Moore and Tony Curtis.

"Four of the hottest young men in the business - and by 'hot', I mean they're really doing it, and doing it out of sight."

With an intro like that, how could you resist?

Great late night soul. And if Samuel L. Jackson ever formed a band...

The Pretenders did a pretty mean cover too.

5. The Hold Steady - Stuck Between Stations

She was a really cool kisser and she wasn't all that strict of a Christian
She was a damn good dancer but she wasn't all that great of a girlfriend
He likes the warm feeling but he's tired of all the dehydration
Most nights are crystal clear but tonight it's like he's stuck between stations

And that is why The Hold Steady rock my world.

Plus, the video looks like it was made by Tony Hart and Morph.

4. Donald Fagen - Walk Between The Raindrops

More great late night listening. Hey man, don't dis (one half of) The Dan.

3. Billy Bragg - Between The Wars

Watch Steve Wright try to pretend he understands Billy Bragg as he introduces this song on vintage TOTP. Then watch a 12 year old Billy sing his heart out. Was he ever that young? Were any of us...?

2. Sleeper - Inbetweener

In remembering Britpop, Sleeper often seem to slip through the cracks. Which is a shame, because Louise Wener wrote some nice, sub-Cocker lyrics and had the sexy popstar pout down well. I recently discovered their debut album had been re-issued as a 2-disc set with b-sides and live tracks thrown in. Well worth a re-appraisal.

1. The Cure - In Between Days

Yeah, like it could have been anything else.




Tip of the hat to The Go-Betweens... but which is your favourite in between song?

Billy Bragg - The Progressive Patriot

"Mixing pop and politics - they ask me what the use is
I offer them embarrassment and my usual excuses..."

Part history of England, part history of popular music and - oh yes, part history of Billy Bragg and the Bragg family... I've never read another rock star autobiography like The Progressive Patriot.

Of course, to refer to this book as an autobiography is as erroneous and misleading as calling Billy Bragg a rock star. Neither is a perfect fit for the title in question, and both are so much more besides.

Anyone who's ever seen Billy Bragg live will be familiar with the story of how as a young man he became politicized on seeing The Clash perform at the Rock Against Racism Carnival Against The Nazis in Victoria Park, Hackney, in April 1978.

"The Clash taught me a valuable lesson that day, which I have in the back of my mind every time I write a song or step out on to a stage: although you can't change the world by singing songs and doing gigs, the things you say and the actions you take can change the perspective of members of the audience..."

"And although the world was just the same as it had always been as I travelled home on the Tube that evening, my view of it had been changed forever."

Another thing you'll know if you've seen the Bard of Barking live any time in the last five years is the anger and revulsion he felt when the far-right British National Party won a dozen seats on his home town council. Much of his work in recent years has been dedicated to defeating the rise of racism across the country, and The Progressive Patriot is a natural extension of that mission. It begins by tracing the multicultural past of Barking itself where Julius Caesar marched his legions in 54 BC, long before the neighbouring town of Londinium was any more than a few shacks. From here, Billy recounts the origins of the Anglo-Saxon people themselves, forging his way through myth and mystery to uncover the truth that history is always written by the victors... and sometimes by the politicians who wish to stay victorious. The idea that there's no such thing as a native Englishman is not an original one, but I've never seen it expressed so clearly or emphatically, though I'm sure there are those who would dispute Billy's version of the tale... just as current BNP leader Nick Griffin once disputed the Holocaust.

One final thing you'll know if you've ever attended a Billy Bragg gig is that he's the first to admit that his fanbase can be divided into two distinct camps. There are those who follow him with fists held high for his strong political stance... and those who merely nod their heads while he's singing There Is Power In A Union and wait patiently for him to get back to the wonderful observational / relationship lyrics of Levi Stubbs' Tears and The Saturday Boy. Though I find myself agreeing with the majority of Billy's politics, I'll always be more comfortable in the latter camp, so I suppose it's natural that the chapters I enjoyed most in The Progressive Patriot were those dealing with music rather than multiculturalism... though the latter seeps naturally into the former throughout. Still, if The Clash politicized young William Bragg, it was Paul Simon who taught him honesty in songwriting...

"I am sitting in the back row of the coach (on a school trip to Belgium) with several boys of my own age. We are out of earshot of teachers and parents. Bored by the flat landscape, we have spent much of the morning kneeling on our seats looking out the back window, waving at passing motorists. We drive onto the car deck of the ferry and park. Another coach pulls up alongside us. It is full of girls who are about our age."

"The girls wave to us. We wave to them. They smile at us. We smile at them. They flirt with us. We act the goat, attempting to conceal our excitement..."

"But suddenly we are across the river. The ferry unloads and the girls are gone. Our sense of enchantment is shattered and we struggle to contain the feelings that our brief encounter has unleashed..."

"I was deeply upset, yet I didn't feel that I could express how I felt - to do so would be to admit that... I liked girls. Turning my face to the window, I realised that I was alone. I couldn't talk to my mates; I couldn't run to my teacher; my parents wouldn't understand. Where could I turn to for comfort?"

"And then this happens: from above my head, a descending guitar line comes tumbling out from a tiny speaker..."

"I am just a poor boy, though my story's seldom told..."

Despite all the passion of Billy's politics, it's this story - and the revelation that New Yorker Paul Simon wrote Homeward Bound late one night "while waiting for the milk train after a gig in Lancashire" - that had the deepest effect on this particular reader. I'm not sure if that makes me shallow... or soppy. Maybe, in the words of Upfield, I've just got a socialism of the heart.

Easter Meme

1. Tell us who was the last person you took a shower with.

Our shower isn't big enough for two people, so the answer to that question is nobody.

Although, there was this one time, at band camp...

2. Tell us about your favorite tee-shirt. Extra points if you show a pic. (We know. What can you do with freakin' extra points?)

Either this... (Available from here.)

(And no, that's not me modelling it. And mine is a lighter blue.)

Or this...

(Available from here.)

And no, I'm not on commission for those links.

3. Has anyone ever hit on you even though they knew you were taken?

I can't remember anyone ever hitting on me full stop. Hit me, yes...

4. Do you plan what to wear tomorrow?

Not usually.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Why?

OK. I just had some coffee.

Mmmmm, coffee.

6. What's the closest thing to you that's black?

My shirt.

7. Tell me about an interesting dream you remember having.

Last night I dreamt I was in a recording session with a celebrity voice (can't remember who it was) and we had one hour to record five scripts. It took about half an hour to record two, then, for some unknown dream reason, we took a 20 minute break. At which point the awful anxiety kicked in that no way would we be able to finish the rest of the scripts in the time we had left.

Have I mentioned I hate my job? Well so does my subconscious.

8. Did you or might you meet anybody new today?

Not if I can help it.

9. If you could be doing anything right now (or perhaps after you finish this ridiculous meme) what would it be?

Sitting out in the sunshine, reading a good book.

10. Can you think of a meme question that's never been asked?

Where have you hidden all the bodies?

11. What comes to mind when I say China?

Honestly? At risk of offending one fifth of the world's population, the very first thing that came to mind was this...



( From Bridge Of Spies)

Never underestimate the effect Carol Decker had on my adolescent brain.

12. Are you overly emotional?

No. No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

13. If you could listen to just one rock album (CD, vinyl or mp3) which one would you pick?

Oh, I'm sure I've answered this question before many times.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?

I'm a biter.

15. Do you like your car?

Not at the moment.

16. Do you like yourself?

More than most people do.

17. Would you go out to eat with Charlie Sheen?

Would he ask me?

18. What was the last song you listened to?

China In Your Hand! Do keep up.

19. Are (or were) your parents strict?

They didn't need to be. I had too much respect for them.

20. Have you ever wondered what attending a wild orgy (if only to watch or...) would be like?

Is there really anyone on the planet who hasn't ever wondered this? If so, I don't want to meet them. (Not to say that, having wondered it, I haven't decided it's not for me.)

21. I say cottage cheese. You say:

Yuck.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?

Another one I've answered before and can't be bothered to answer again. (The nicest was Nick Heyward.)

23. What was the last movie you watched at home?

Machete. Very disappointing.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?

No.

25. What countries have you visited?

Greece. France. Switzerland. Germany (very briefly). I think that's all so far.

26. Have you ever made a phone call while you were drunk that you've regretted? If yes, do tell.

I once mad several drunken calls to a girl I had been going out with - but wasn't any more. Fortunately I was able to delete them from her mobile before she ever heard them. (Which may seem rather sneaky and underhand of me - but it saved us both a load of embarrassment in the long run.)

27. Where were you going the last time you were on a train?

That London.

28. Bacon or sausage?

Bacon.

29. How long have you had a cell-phone?

15 years or so. And it's the same one.

30. What other memes do you do regularly?

I don't do any memes regularly. After I've done them once, why would I do them again?

31. Who is the craziest meme host?

Whutchutalkinabout, Willis?

I suppose this is the place where I'm supposed to link back to Sunday Stealing, where I stole this particular meme from in the first place.

32. Who invented chop sticks?

What am I, wikipedia?

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?

Louise. And the cats.

34. Are you too forgiving?

Probably.

35. When was the last time you were in love?

I still am.

36. Tell us about your best friend.

That would be Louise.

37. What was the stupidest thing you learned in high school?

Most of what I learned in high school was pretty stupid. I only wish I'd learned not to pursue a career in radio.

38. What was the last thing you cried about?

A post I've written for The Vinyl Villain which will probably go live next week. I'll try and remember to link to it then.

39. What was the last question you asked?

Why?

40. Favorite thing to do this time of the year?

Eat chocolate eggs and not go to work.

41. If you had to get a tattoo, what would it be?

42. How would your best friend describe you?

It'd all depend on how much I'd pissed her off that day...

43. Have you ever seen all three Twilight films?

I saw the first half of the first one and that was more than enough.

44. Ever walked into a glass door?

Probably. That sounds like the sort of doofus thing I'd do.

45. Favorite colour on that person you are attracted to?

Aquamarine.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?

No.

47. What hair style (for you) would you like to see return?

The one I'm sporting.

48. What was the last CD you bought?

The Ugly People Vs The Beautiful People

49. Do looks matter to you?

Sometimes.

50. Could you ever forgive a liar?

I'd try.

51. What's the hardest bill to pay every month?

The mortgage, I guess, it being the largest.

The one I most resent paying is petrol - fuel prices being so bloody extortionate at the moment.

52. Do you like your life right now?

It could be better.

Could be a whole lot worse too.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?

TV, no. Radio, yes.

54. Can you handle the truth?

Of course not, Jack.

55. Do you have good vision?

I've never needed glasses.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?

Have we met?
57. How often do you talk on the phone?

As infrequently as I can manage.

58. What celeb would you like to come home to?

I wouldn't want a celebrity in my home. They're not housebroken, any of them.

59. What are you wearing?

A shirt and trousers.

60. What is your favorite wild animal?

The snow leopard.

61. Where was your facebook picture taken?

It wasn't. It was drawn. By Nige.

It's the cover to PJANG #5.

62. Can you waltz?

I'm more of a cha cha cha man.

63. Do you have a job?

Are you employed, sir?

Employed?

You don't go out looking for a job dressed like that? On a weekday?

Is this a... what day is this?

64. What was the most recent thing you stole?

Louise's heart.

(OK, you can stop laughing now.)

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?

Many times. I am Spider-Man, after all...

Mixing Pop and Politics...

"Mixing pop and politics, they ask me what the use is
I offer them embarrassment and my usual excuses..."

Before the gig, in the Academy bar, we overhear two blokes discussing the forthcoming entertainment. "It should be a good gig," says one. "As long as he stays away from the politics," says the other.

Really, now. Isn't that a bit like going along to a Lady Gaga gig and hoping she stays away from the slutty dresses? The politics are such an important part of Billy Bragg's persona, he wouldn't be Billy Bragg without them. And while much has been made of the fact that the bard of Berking now lives in a lovely "mansion" on the cliffs of Dorset, it would be churlish to deny him the rewards of his success - particularly when he continues to fight the good fight as vocally as he ever did. Saturday's gig, it transpires, is actually a charity event organised to raise funds to help defeat the far-right BNP party in the North West. "Hope Not Hate" is the message, and given that this is exactly what brought Billy to Manchester on Saturday night, you can hardly expect him to stay quiet on the subject.

"As Brother Barry said
As he married Marion
The wife has three great attributes
Intelligence, a Swiss army knife and charm"

But even the man himself admits there are two kinds of Billy Bragg fan. There are those who are brought to him through the politics, who feel stirred and empowered by his performance of songs like Between The Wars, World Turned Upside Down, NPWA and There Is Power In A Union. And there are those who fall instead for his pithy, heartfelt, witty and truthful kitchen sink relationship dramas and "love songs". Valentine's Day Is Over, Saturday Boy, A Lover Sings and the forever devastating Levi Stubbs' Tears. I've always been in the latter camp, though I respect and agree with many of Billy's opinions in the former and have no problem showing my support for a cause like "Hope Not Hate". I've seen him live many times now, and though I always prefer the shows that are steered towards Billy the performer rather than Billy the revolutionary, I accept that they're two sides of the same man, and that sometimes one will take prominence over the other. Fortunately he maintains his sense of humour whichever badge he's wearing, and it's impossible not to be inspired by him either way.

"A cynic is just a busted optimist" he says at one point in the show, and he makes me think about how easily I let cynicism rule my own life at times. Reading this blog sometimes, you might think that the cynic has won. But I do strive to be optimistic - it's essential if I'm to continue striving to achieve my ambitions. Optimists keep trying, cynics give in. So maybe I'm not as cynical as I sometimes think... and maybe it takes a little Billy Bragg rabble-rousing to remind me of that every now and then. You've got to keep fighting for what you believe in, and you've got to keep believing in yourself. We're all of us Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards...

"If you're lonely, I will call -
If you're poorly, I will send poetry


I love you
I am the milkman of human kindness
I will leave an extra pint"

Top Ten Spell Songs

After last week's Witches, I thought about following on with a Top Ten Wizards but found just seven in my library (not counting Roy Wood) and only The Who was a classic.

But I'm not done with the occult just yet... so here's my Top Ten Spell Songs, which ties in quite nicely with this week's Thoughtballoons character, Dr. Strange, Master of the Mystic Arts. If you're so inclined, you can read my one page script here.

10. Focus - Hocus Pocus

Where rampant guitar riffs meet crazy Dutch yodelling.

I know but two things about Focus...

1) They're one of Stuart Maconie's favourite bands.

2) They're featured, to amusing effect, in the classic Half Man Half Biscuit story song, Tour Jacket With Detatchable Sleeves...

After the Identical Cocteau Twins, came the final act, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Focus. Following a commendable stab at Sylvia, Helen shouted to the guitarist: “Are you knackered, man?” To which he replied: “No, I’m Jan Akkerman”.

9. Siouxsie & The Banshees - Spellbound

In which Siouxsie Sioux suffers for her art, crawling around on a men's room floor like she's re-enacting that infamous scene from Trainspotting, before things go really mental like Toy Story meets the Texas Chasinsaw Massacre...

"When you think your toys have gone berserk..."

...they're probably just listening to too many Banshees records.

8. Gogol Bordello - Break The Spell

If Start Wearing Purple is the only Gogol Bordello song you've ever heard, here's another tasty slice of Russian gypsy mayhem for your earbuds.

7. Amber Benson - Under Your Spell

From the infamous Buffy & The Vampire Slayer musical episode - you know the one where they wouldn't let Alyson Hannigan sing because despite being too cute to live, she's also got a singing voice like Miss Piggy in a 'Yodel Like Jan Akkerman' Competition?

I still don't know whether Amber Benson's character was called Tara or Tera.

6. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Spell

Cave at his most yearningly romantic. Hard to believe this is the same guy who gave us Grinderman.

5. Lambchop - I Can Hardly Spell My Name

OK, I know, strictly speaking the definition of 'spell' here is an entirely different one to every other song on this list (one derives from the Germanic, the other from Old English - see, I'm not entirely allergic to research), but it's still a beautiful record, while Kurt Wagner's lyrics are just cryptic enough to make it an invocation of sorts.

4. Aqualung - Strange & Beautiful (I'll Put A Spell On You)

A prime slab of Coldplayesque whimsy from the summer of 2002 when this song was everywhere thanks to its use in a VW ad campaign. Songwriter Matt Hales has made far more interesting records since, but this appears to be the one he'll be remembered for.

3. Screaming Jay Hawkins - I Put A Spell On You

A unique - and at the time, shocking - performance which was achieved by getting everybody in the studio so fired up on liquor and spicy chicken wings that Screaming Jay doesn't even remember recording it. Covered by everyone from Bryan Ferry to Nina Simone, Jimmy Barnes to the Eels... but none of them are quite as scary as the original.

2. Billy Bragg - She's Got A New Spell

One minute she says
She's gone to get the cat in
The next thing I know
She's mumbling in Latin

Billy looks about 12 in this video. It's really quite depressing.

1. Steve Miller Band - Abracadrabra

The word "abracadabra" comes from Aramaic and means "to create... as I say".

Not to be confused with DC Comics' mad magician Abra Kadabra...

Steve Miller (no, not that one) allegedly wrote this song after meeting Diana Ross.

This was the band's last big hit, not counting the UK jeans ad Joker revival in the 90s.



So, shazam, alakazam, hey presto... who did I dispell?

Top Ten Sugar Songs

I promise I'll get out of the coffee shop after this. I know you're all bored of these lists now. More interesting top tens to follow, I guarantee.

In the meantime... here's a countdown of my favourite sugary songs. As usual I've kept the list just to songs about sugar, so no room for The Sugarcubes, Sugar Ray or... Sugar.

Likewise, I've banned Brown Sugar by the Stones, purely because that was Number One on my Top Ten Brown Songs. Do I need to get out more or what?


10. Mary Lou Lord - Sugar Sugar

The old Archies Number One given a guitary makeover by Mary Lou Lord and Semisonic (apparently), with Drew Barrymore along for the ride.

9. Billy Bragg - Sugar Daddy

A Billy Bragg b-side. For those of you who appreciate the finer things in life.

8. The Stone Roses - Sugar Spun Sister

I like the Stone Roses.

I like Ian Brown.

But GOD, these lyrics were written by a 6th Form Poetry Student.

Her hair
Soft drifted snow
Death white
I'd like to know
Why she hates
All that she does
But she gives
It all that she's got

7. Neil Young - Sugar Mountain

You can't be twenty on Sugar Mountain.

But you can have ENORMOUS sideburns.

6. Aimee Mann - Sugarcoated

Aimee Mann writes biting lyrics... coated in sugar.

5. Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me

The 97th best band from Sheffield. And yet...

My favourite Def Leppard song is that one where they substitute the word 'rock' for the word 'fuck'. That's, like, so edgy, dude.

4. Flight Of The Conchords - Sugalumps

Kelis sang about her Milkshake...

Fergie sang about her Humps...

Flight Of The Conchords respond with an ode to their Sugalumps...

My sugarlumps are two of a kind - sweet and white and highly refined
Honies try all kinds of tomfoolery to steal a feel of my family jewelry
My cannonballs cause a kerfuffle - the ladies they hustle to ruffle my truffle
If you party with the Party Prince, you get two complimentary after-dinner mints

3. The Rubettes - Sugar Baby Love

Possibly the greatest pure glam-pop single ever written. Sing along if your voice goes high enougg.

2. Echo & The Bunnymen - Lips Like Sugar

I have nothing to declare about this song other than its genius.

1. The Four Tops - I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie Honey Bunch)

Better than any sugar rush.



They were mine - but what sugary song sets off your sweet tooth?

Top Ten Milk Songs

I did coffee...

I did tea...

But for those of you who prefer your beverages caffeine free and full of calcium... a Top Ten Milk Songs seemed a must.

10. Eddie Cochran - Milk Cow Blues

Rock 'n' Rollers knew how to write songs about farm animals. See also the Elvis version. We need more cows in the chart these days (and no, I don't mean Lady Gaga).

9. Kelis - Milkshake

Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Haven't a clue what this means, but it does make me want to go to the yard. And I don't even like milkshakes.

This would normally be a good time to mention Flight Of The Conchords' hilarious reaction to this song... but I'm saving that for next week.

8. Garbage - Milk

You always have to wonder why Shirley Manson decided to call her band Garbage. Doesn't suggest a whole lot of confidence in the end product, does it? I still think Rubbish would have been a better name.

7. Art Brut - DC Comics And Chocolate Milk

Part of my Best DC Comics Songs post, the ironic thing being that this song is actually better than most DC comics these days.

6. Dr Feelgood - Milk & Alcohol

One of Mark Radcliffe's favourite bands. I reckon The Dude would appreciate this song too, since his beverage of choice is a White Russian.

"Hey man, there's a beverage here!"



5. Herman's Hermits - No Milk Today

Written by Graham Gouldman, who went on to form 10CC, this always reminds me of free school milk. Here's something I've probably told you before - drinking milk makes me throw up. I discovered this when I first went to school. After a couple of days trying to get me to drink my free school milk, the teacher gave it up as a bad job. When I went up to the next class a year later, I tried explaining to the new teacher that I didn't drink milk, but she wasn't for listening. She soon learned.

4. Rufus Wainwright - Cigarettes & Chocolate Milk

Not quite as bad for Rufus as Eddie Argos's chosen accompaniment for chocolate milk. In case you were wondering, chocolate milk makes me throw up too. And so do cigarettes.

3. Saint Etienne - Milk Bottle Symphony

Possibly Saint Etienne's greatest moment.

Oh, sod it, there's no 'possibly' about it.

2. Billy Bragg - Milkman Of Human Kindness

If you're lonely, I will call
If you're poorly, I will send poetry

If you're sleeping, I will wait
If your bed is wet, I will dry your tears

If you are falling, I'll put out my hands
If you feel bitter, I will understand

I love you
I am the milkman of human kindness
I will leave an extra pint

A bad pun has never sounded so sweet.

1. Benny Hill - Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)

I was never really a Benny Hill fan. Even as a kid I found him a bit too silly, and I guess I was too young to appreciate the innuendo. But I do consider Ernie to be a minor work of genius: not just a spoof country and western song played for laughs, there's something genuinely moving about its tragic and spooky denouement.

Was that the trees a rustling
Or the hinges of the gate
Or Ernies ghostly goldtops a rattling in their crate?
They won't forget Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

Have you Got Milk? What's your favourite milky milky song?

Top Ten Haircut Songs

Thanks to Penelope, I've started work on a new Top Ten Music feature... yet it's rather spiralled out of control and might take a little more work than these countdowns normally do. In the meantime, I'll keep up with the random playlists... this one's for anybody who's had a new haircut this week.

Special mention goes to Nick Heyward, the nicest popstar I ever met, and Haircut 100. Where do we go from here? Is it down to the lake, I fear...

Runners up included SFA's Ice Hockey Hair, Mercury Rev's Car Wash Hair, The Charlatans' Jesus Hairdo and Half Man Half Biscuit's tragic Hair Like Bryan May Blues...

But these, in my humble opinion, are the dos that most definitely do.

10. George Thorogood - Get A Haircut

"...and get a real job!"

Sage advice from George T. Pity I never took it.

9. Tracie Young - Boy Hairdresser

I think it was JC, The Vinyl Villain who introduced me to Tracie Young, probably because I wasn't paying enough attention during her brief 15 minutes back in 1984. This song was co-written by Paul Weller and seemed set to spur her on to stardom, particularly when she was voted Most-Fanciable Female by the readers of Smash Hits. Sadly, twas not to be.

8. The Waifs - Haircut

The Waifs are an Australian band I really must investigate in more depth. They're darker underneath...

7. Pavement - Cut Your Hair

Scruffy bunch of American indie scalliwags with not a decent haircut between 'em. Shave 'em all and send 'em in the army - 'specially Malkmus!

6. Jim White - Combing My Hair In A Brand New Style

"He used a blue hair comb with a busted tooth
To comb out the tangles of his messed-up youth."

If only it was that easy.

5. The Divine Comedy - Bernice Bobs Her Hair

Her hair was long
Her hair was dark
Her hair flowed down her back
And now it lies upon the floor
Bernice runs out the door

None on her head, just down her back, as the old Eric Morecambe gag goes.

4. Beck - Devil's Haircut

Beck updates Stagger Lee and introduces him to 90s consumerism via a Noel Gallager remix.

3. Regina Spektor - Samson

Ah, Regina Spektor, whatever happened? Begin To Hope was such a perfect album... why did its follow-up, Far, leave me so cold? Who cut your hair in between records?

2. Morrissey - Hairdresser On Fire

Poor old Morrissey, even his hairdresser's too busy to see him. Apparently there are barber shops in both Connecticut and Copenhagen named after this song.

1. Billy Bragg - Walk Away Renée

With Johnny Marr playing the tune of The Left Banke's 60s hit as backing, Billy makes up his own heartbreaking lyrics - a short story of young love doomed by infidelity and haircuts. Perfect.



So go on then, what's your favourite haircut song?