2011 - Albums of the Year

And now, the end is near, and so I face the final curtain...

What an excellent year it's been for music. As well as great new records from old favourites like Luke Haines, Elbow and PJ Harvey, I've also made some incredible new discoveries from the likes of Skint & Demoralised, The King Blues and Cosmo Jarvis. Many of the artists I've been championing don't get a lot of attention from the radio or music press, yet they have strong fanbases and if the winds of taste were blowing in the right direction for a change, they'd be topping the charts. Not that topping the charts means anything to anyone but the X-Factor idiots these days.

Anyway, it's been a hard fought battle on my own chart of the year. Will my favourite band of the 21st Century clinch a hat-trick of number one albums... or has someone else beaten them to the top spot?

Click the links to hear a selection of my favourite tracks from each of the albums.

My Top 20 Albums of 2011

20. Glen Campbell - Ghost On The Canvas

19. Art Brut - Brilliant! Tragic!

18. Half Man Half Biscuit - 90 Bisodol (Crimond)

17. Arctic Monkeys - Suck It And See

16. Paul Simon - So Beautiful Or So What?

15. 8in8 - Nighty Night

14. Skint & Demoralised - This Sporting Life

13. The Airborne Toxic Event - All At Once

12. Luke Haines - 9 1/2 Psychedelic Meditations On British Wrestling Of The 1970's And Early 1980's

11. Shirley Lee - Winter Autumn Summer Spring

10. Fountains of Wayne - Sky Full Of Holes

9. The Vaccines - What Did You Expect From The Vaccines?

8. The King Blues - Punk & Poetry

7. PJ Harvey - Let England Shake

6. Cosmo Jarvis - Is The World Strange Or Am I Strange?

5. Elbow - Build A Rocket, Boys!

4. Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues

3. Noah & The Whale - Last Night On Earth

2. The Indelicates - David Koresh, Superstar

1. Frank Turner - England Keep My Bones

Apologies to The Indelicates then, it would have been nice to let them win three albums in a row, but brutal honesty must give the award to Frank Turner this year. Truth is, any one of the albums in the Top Five would have been a worthy victor in less exciting years. There's not an album there I wouldn't fight to see gain more recognition. Cosmo Jarvis asks, Is The World Strange Or Am I Strange...? And FRank Turner replies...

Not everyone grows up to be an astronaut
Not everyone was born to be a king
Not everyone can be Freddie Mercury
Everyone can raise a glass and sing
Well, I haven't always been a perfect person
I haven't done what mum and dad had dreamed

But on the day I die I'll say
"At least I fucking tried!"
That's the only eulogy I need
That's the only eulogy I need.

Happy New Year, thanks for wasting some of the old one reading this silly little blog. Despite everything, it's been fun.

2011 - Movies of the Year

Let's start with the turkeys... click the links if you want to know just how much I hated them.

Worst Five Movies of 2011

5. The Thing (2011)

4. Immortals

3. Season Of The Witch

2. Transformers 3

1. Green Lantern

Despite those, it's actually been a really good year at the cinema and I could easily have filled a Top 20 with runners up including Never Let Me Go, The Adjustment Bureau, The Skin I Live In, X-Men: First Class and The Guard. But if I have to pick 10...

My Top Ten Movies of 2011

10. The Inbetweeners

9. Thor

8. Another Earth

7. The Big Picture

6. The King's Speech

5. We Need To Talk About Kevin

4. 127 Hours

3. Source Code

2. True Grit

1. Super 8

Super 8 might not be the best film of the year, but it's the one which gave me the warmest glow - nostalgia for the kind of movie I grew up loving, like Back To The Future with aliens. The long awaited Coens / Bridges reunion was a shoe-in, but Super 8 had more twinkly eyed magic than I'd expected and deserves its place at the top... though I'm sure many would disagree.

What was your favourite movie of the year?

2011 - Books of the Year

The Best of 2010 Countdown continues with the best books I've read this year. No attempts to categorise them into books that were published in 2010 or not... instead, a short countdown of my favourite non-fiction reads before we get onto the main event.

Click the links to read my full reviews. If you can be bothered.

My Top Five Non-Fiction Books of 2010

5. Adventures On The High Teas - Stuart Maconie

4. Sex, Drugs & Cocoa Puffs - Chuck Klosterman

3. The Progressive Patriot - Billy Bragg

2. Good Morning Nantwich - Phil Jupitus

1. How I Escaped My Certain Fate - Stewart Lee

My Top Ten Fiction Books of 2011

10. World War Z - Max Brooks

9. Furnace - Muriel Gray

8. Room - Emma Donoghue

7. Started Early, Took My Dog - Kate Atkinson

6. The Hollow Man - John Dickson Carr

5. The Passage - Justin Cronin

4. Full Dark, No Stars - Stephen King

3. Seeing Stars - Simon Armitage

2. Child 44 - Tom Rob Smith

1. The Crimson Petal And The White - Michel Faber

It was a difficult list to judge this year, largely due to a couple of my favourite books suffering from huge flaws in their final acts. Justin Cronin's The Passage is prime example - in many ways, it's the most engrossing novel I've read this year... but it just doesn't know when to end. Child 44 was not so all-consuming, yet it was far more balanced and satisfying on conclusion. The top prize had to go to Michel Faber though, combining a cracking genre plot (a genre I'm usually not that interested in) with beautiful, witty and imaginative prose. The TV adaptation was fun, but not a patch on the source material.

What's the best book you read this year?

2011 - TV of the Year

My annual countdown looking back on the best bits of the dying year begins here... with the magical tellybox. This year I've had to suffer the loss of Lost and 365 days without 24. So what's taken their places? Not The Walking Dead (or The Treading Water as we've renamed the lacklustre second series; inspired mid-season climax not withstanding) or True Blood (though the camp monstrosity of Denis O'Hare's Russell Edgington almost brought it home, we did have to balance that with the whole "Sookie is a Faerie" nonsense, and not enough Jason or Lafayette). Speaking of O'Hare, I'm still undecided about American Horror Story. The more ridiculous and implausible it becomes, the more I find it a guilty pleasure, and there are some great performances from O'Hare, Jessica Lange and Six Feet Under's Frances Conroy (slumming it). But... I can't help but feel they're making it up as they go along. And as for Smallville...

As usual, I've probably forgotten some shows that ran earlier in the year. Special runner's up prize goes to Fresh Meat, which is probably a better show than half the ones listed below, but hasn't yet wormed its way into my subconscious. Next year, it could well be Top Ten. For anyone who's read these lists in years gone by, the Top Fifteen will contain few surprises...

15. Castle

Occupying the same slot it did on last year's countdown, Castle continues to be a great example of comfort food telly, thanks largely to the charming Nathan Fillion. That said, they did shake up the formula somewhat at the end of Season 3, so I'm intrigued to see where it goes from here.

14. The Hour

Dominic West comes home from Baltimore for a show that's about as far away from The Wire as possible. He's still got that devilish twinkle in his eye as 50s newscaster Hector Madden and, along with Ben Whishshaw and Romola Garai, West helped make this show more than just a British Mad Men.

13. Rev.

A rarity in sitcom world, Tom Hollander's Rev is both witty and thought-provoking. It's not afraid to swerve away from the obvious laugh in favour of deeper, sadder, yet more honest resolutions. And it has genuine character development. Excellent cast (particularly Simon McBurney as Archdeacon Robert) and some top draw cameos from the likes of Sylvia Sims and Richard E. Grant. Even Dawkins would be swayed by the Reverend Adam Smallbone.

12. Monk

Farewell, then, Adrian Monk. More comfort food telly, Tony Shalhoub's OCDetective always reminded me of the kind of show I'd have watched when I was a kid... the kind I didn't think they made anymore. Despite its formulaic nature, Monk managed to make me laugh out loud and cry real tears on more than one occasion. I'm glad they gave him a happy ending.

11. Nurse Jackie

Sadly stolen from our screens by the Evil Murdoch Empire, I've no idea when I'll get to watch the third and fourth seasons, but Season 2 had me itching for more of Edie Falco's self-destructive uber-nurse. Guess I'll be waiting for the DVD...

10. Fringe

No idea where Fringe is going this season, but as long as John Noble continues to give us his alternately hilarious and heartbreaking portrayal of Dr. Walter Bishop, I'll not miss an episode.

9. Psychoville

Not now, Silent Singer!



8. Justified

Come season 2, Walton Goggins got some serious competition in the sneaky scenery chewing stakes from Margo Martindale as malicious matriarch Mags Bennet. Together, they even encouraged Timothy Olyphant to raise his game. A sly, witty show not afraid to break with formula: Elmore Leonard must be proud.

7. This Is England '88

More merry misery from Shane Meadows. I just love Woody's banter...



6. Mad Men

Another one stolen by Murdoch's Evil Sky Atlantic. Don Draper would not approve...

5. Luther

Told he probably wasn't getting a third series, Luther creator Neil Cross went all out to make the second as grim and nihilistic as possible. With random hammer-killing twins and a violent, clown-masked psycho it made Silence of the Lambs look like Playschool. And somehow granted the show a reprieve: season 3 is currently being filmed. Idris Elba: another member of the Wire alumni come home and made good.

4. Doctor Who

The Stephen Moffat Renaissance continues. Matt Smith cements his place as Best 21st Century Doctor. And Who finally became a show about Time Travel!

3. Frozen Planet

Who cares if they faked the baby polar bear scene? This was still jaw-dropping, eye-popping TV that finally justified the invention of HD and made us all fall in love with penguins. Again.

2. Forbrydlesen / Forbrydelsen II (The Killing)

Like a Danish Jack Bauer, Sarah Lund scowled her way into our hearts with a selection of chunky jumpers (which she even wears when visiting Afghanistan) and a single-minded, self-sacrificing determination to crack the case... even if it takes 20 episodes to do so. Roll on season 3... sadly planned to be the last.

1. House

Cuddy and Thirteen both walked out on him, but House survives (even prison couldn't reform him!), with a couple of new assistants to torment and a new boss (the best choice) to aggravate. As long as he's got Wilson, he'll be OK. But will this be the last series of House too? Hugh - no!

Christmas Card From A Loser In Huddersfield...

...as opposed to a hooker in Minneapolis.

Over at Nige's Page of Rage, Nigel is discussing the thorny subject of Christmas cards, specifically the quandary of wanting to send a card to some of your work colleagues... but not wanting to wee on the rest of them even if their Santa hats are on fire. Not a problem for me this year as I don't officially have any work colleagues. I did receive a card from one person on my course (who thoughtfully sent one to each of us), then watched amusingly as another student spent half the lesson frantically scribbling out cards of her own... not to be outdone.

This is our third Christmas in this home. It's in a terrace row of five houses, and though we know our neighbours to say "hello" to, we don't know most of their names and we've never exchanged Christmas cards. Until this year... when the nice couple in the end house (our immediate neighbours) decided to send one to each house in the row. Within a week, the psychological pressure had boiled over and the cards were flying. In the end, we received one from every other neighbour (some just addressed to our house number with an apology for not knowing our names). Finally, Louise had to crack and return the gesture. Me, I quite liked the idea of being the only miserable bastards in the row... but it is Christmas, after all.

Beyond that, I've not sent a great deal of cards this year. Hey - I'm unemployed, give me a break! So, apologies if you've sent me one and not had one in return. Take this and like it...

I'll be back after the big day with my annual countdown on the best stuff of the year. In the meantime, peace and goodwill to you and your families... here's hoping 2012's a better year than '11 (apocalypse permitting).

Comic Review: West - Confederate Dead

I've been looking forward to this latest Jerusalem West adventure ever since the book began. Seeing how well Andrew Cheverton and Tim Keable mixed Deadwood-style Western with Romero-esque horror in the book's first few issues, and knowing what a fan of zombie films Chev is, a West / zombies face-off has always been inevitable. And here it is, every bit as juicy and dramatic and bloody and beautiful as I'd hoped... in many ways the most accomplished single issue West story yet.

Plotwise, it's probably also the most straightforward. A young West and his bounty hunter pal Wilton Frohickie (I'm not sure if Chev stole that name from my own favourite Frohickie, but it's a great name nevertheless) are chasing down a ruthless gang of outlaws. Their pursuit leads them to Black Salt Island on a dark and stormy night, and then...

So not only is this the West adventure I've been dying to see Chev write - it's also the most amazing piece of comic art I've yet seen Tim deliver. From the gorgeous wraparound cover to the stylish and dramatic interiors, this is a comic you just can't take your eyes off. A truly gorgeous piece of work. If you like westerns, if you like zombies, if you like comics... if you like breathing: buy this book.

Comfort & Joy

I won't lie to you: it's been a rough year here at SOS Towers. Losing my job, crashing my car, having to watch Green Lantern, Transformers 3 and Season Of The Witch... that'll take the spring out of your step and right. I've had stress, sleepless nights and moments where I've just plain broken down and sobbed into my porridge. But no matter how miserable I've felt, there are some things which always give me comfort. This post is a tribute to those...

1. Coffee Shops.

Obviously, the coffee itself is important here, but there's also something hugely comforting about taking time out from your day to sit in a coffee shop and watch the world go by. It feels like a special treat and makes me feel sophisticated and adult: something I'm especially grateful for after sitting in an anonymous cattle queue at the Job Centre. Coffee Shop Culture gets a lot of stick, but I think it's one of the true advances in our society. When I was a student first time round, our only options were pubs and grubby cafes. The rise of coffee shops make me think there's hope for civilization after all.

2. Alex Lester on Radio 2.

I tend to sleep with headphones on, tuned to Radio 2. It helps me gets to sleep and if I wake during the night it helps me get back to sleep. It gives me something to think about and distract my mind in the wee small hours when problems always seem far worse than they might actually be. 3am is the worst time to find yourself lying away with an over-active imagination, so thank god for Alex Lester on Radio 2. An amusing, genuine and inoffensive jock who plays a good variety of music and helps keep me from despair. See also Huey Morgan, Bob Harris and Richard Allison on a weekend. And Chris Evans for making me want to switch off the radio and get up as soon as it's morning.

3. Mum & Dad

They say you appreciate your parents more as you get older. I appreciate mine more every time I see them.

4. Comics

Though I can't afford as many of them as I once did, the ones I do buy, take from the library or re-read from my rapidly dwindling collection in the attic continue to give me solace. From the wonderful, warm nostalgia buzz of rediscovering comics from my youth to the rare examples of uncynical mainstream books (thank god for Dan Slott's Amazing Spider-Man!) to all the wonderful home-made small press books I continue to discover and champion. I still love reading novels and listening to music, even watching TV... but nothing calms my mind last thing at night like a good comic.

5. Writing

It's still there. Whenever I get the chance. Not as often as I might wish, but writing has always helped me sort out my thoughts and put things in perspective. Even blogging helps, but the real peace comes from writing fiction. Hopefully I'll continue to be able to steal time to write, whatever else life throws at me, it's the only thing that keeps me sane.

What gives you comfort no matter what...?

Movie Review: The Thing (2011)

John Carpenter's The Thing is one of my favourite movies. It's the perfect horror film, full of isolation, paranoia, dread, shocks and a truly great monster. Well crafted characters, top note performances and a classic stalemate ending. Any sequel, prequel or remake was doomed to failure in my eyes then... and yet, I found myself inexplicably drawn to The Thing 2011. In truth, it was much less of a car crash than I expected, but that's not to say I enjoyed it. The best I can say is that it's utterly, utterly pointless. Put that on your poster!

Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.'s movie is slavishly devoted to Carpenter's. It sticks rigidly to the plot template it established (taking into account the debt Carpenter owed to John W. Campbell's short story "Who Goes There?" and the original 1951 movie Thing From Another World). It's basically a 2 hour love letter to the Carpenter movie, to the point that it makes tremendous efforts in the final credits sequence to set up that film's opening scene. The problem is, it adds very little to the mythology - and take away many of the elements that made Carpenter's version so successful. The scenes aboard The Thing's spacecraft go nowhere and the "Who's got fillings?" inquisition isn't a patch on Carpenter's hot wire in the blood sample sequence. Worse still, it jettisons Carpenter's creepy synthesiser soundtrack in favour of orchestral overkill... something that's brought home in the epilogue when they finally dig out the synths to evoke the original. The CGI, meanwhile, could have been a whole lot more gratuitous... but it still couldn't hold a candle to Stan Winston.

The cast do their best, yet cute and spunky as Mary Elizabeth Winstead may well be, she's no Kurt Russell. Hey, I don't know, maybe if you've never seen the Carpenter version then the 2011 Thing might have something for you. It's not a bad movie... it just doesn't make any effort to justify its own existence. It may be a carbon copy, but it ain't nothing like the real Thing...

Book Review: World War Z by Max Brooks

Subtitled 'An Oral History of the Zombie War', Max Brooks' novel offers a unique perspective - or many different perspectives - on what is becoming a well told tale. While zombie holocausts are ten a penny these days, Brooks gives us something I hadn't seen before: the global picture. There are no recurring characters here (except the unseen narrator), just a series of interviews which tell the story of a terrifying zombie plague from first bite to final (?) victory. From China to Texas, Finland to South Korea, India to Sydney, Barbados to the Federated States of Micronesia, we see a truly worldwide catastrophe, from the point of view of arrogant soldiers, terrified civilians, vain movie directors, failing politicians and horrified relief workers. It's tirelessly researched with clever insights into warfare, science, technology and society as a whole, though Brooks also manages to find time for moments of breathtaking excitement, terror and even the odd laugh. It doesn't take you on the same kind of emotional journey as The Passage, yet it's more plausible and knows when to call it a day. A fascinating novel - though God only knows how Brad Pitt thinks he's going to turn it into a movie...

I met one gentleman on a coastal ferry from Portland to Seattle. He had worked in the licensing department for an advertising agency, specifically in charge of procuring the rights to classic rock songs for television commercials. Now he was a chimney sweep. Given that most homes in Seattle had lost their central heating and the winters were now longer and colder, he was seldom idle. "I help keep my neighbours warm," he said proudly. I know it sounds a little Norman Rockwell, but I hear stories like that all the time.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - GHOST PROTOCOL (2011)

MyRating: YYYY

Director: Brad Bird

Cast: Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg, Paula Patton, Michael Nyqvist, Vladimir Mashkov, Samuli Edelmann, Léa Seydoux, Josh Holloway, Anil Kapoor , Tom Wilkinson

MPAA: Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense action and violence

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol is another action movie that will stun you with its high-octane and adrenaline-rush action sequences, after the highly entertaining and full-speed adrenaline-pumping Fast Five this year. Some of the scenes may make you hold your breath (and maybe open your mouth) due to its unbelievably crazy actions and stunts. Tom Cruise seems to be enjoying and addicted to jumping from high-rise buildings. After the bungee jump he did from the top of Bank of China Tower building in Shanghai in Mission: Impossible III (2006), now he is climbing the tallest building in the world, Burj Khalifa in Dubai, a building with 829.84 m (2,723 feet) height and 160 floors. Our world really needs to build more taller skycrapers for him to jump in his next movies.

Being accused of involving in a fatal terrorist bombing attack in Russia, Ethan Hunt (Cruise) and his new team members are left alone to take the blame, as the U.S. government activates "Ghost Protocol" that shuts down the entire IMF (Impossible Missions Force) organization. Hunted by the Russians and disbanded by their own government, Ethan and his team must move fast in a mission to stop the enemy mastermind from jeopardizing the world with a nuclear war threat, and to clear their organization's name, as well as theirs.

Fast-paced, and full with gripping and intense actions, Brad Bird (the director of The Iron Giant, The Incredibles and Ratatouille), who directed his live action movie for the first time, has successfully made another great fun Mission: Impossible movie that will put this franchise in the high level of pride and expectations, after the good things that J.J. Abrams brought and did in Mission: Impossible III. This fourth installment of the series has a highly enjoyable storyline with Tom Cruise's Mission: Impossible big screen version and style of 'IMF team in a dangerous mission', which showcasing their use of sophisticated high-tech gadgets, and of course, full-blown actions.

This movie has beautiful sceneries of many exotic places, from Budapest to Moscow (into the heart of The Kremlin), and from Dubai to Mumbai. As I watched this in a normal theater, I can only imagine how great this film will look like in the IMAX theater (the movie was partially shot using IMAX cameras), especially the Burj Khalifa building climbing scene that will put your vertigo level at test. The dialogs between the characters were well written and the movie also gave enough room for other main characters to shine.

The cast was solid. I always like Tom Cruise, as I think he is one of the great actors Hollywood ever has, who never seems to lose his energy. And as Ethan Hunt, he seemed to channel all of his energy perfectly with running and fighting and jumping and doing other unbelievable action stunts by his own, including hanging and swinging in the heights of Burj Khalifa building. I think I saw more Tom Cruise rather than Ethan Hunt here (as his big name, personality and ego are much bigger than his character), but we can also see how he was really committed in all that he did in this movie and gave all that he could in bringing us a high class and a top-notch action movie. And he has the charms as a megastar leading actor. He always does.

The addition of Jeremy Renner, one of the hottest comodity in Hollywood nowadays and a two-times Academy Award nominees in two years in a row with The Hurt Locker and The Town, was a smart choice from the producer. He played an IMF analyst William Brandt, who possesses extra skills that other normal analysts don't possess, but with his own secret and past. He was cool here, and it was interesting to see him being paired up with Tom Cruise as a team. Renner has his own moment when in one scene he has to jump into a ventilating shaft with a horizontal flying body position, that reminding us with the same famous style that Tom Cruise did in the first movie.

After also appearing in Mission: Impossible III, Simon Pegg has a bigger role and screen time here as agent Benji Dunn, who just got promoted as a field agent. He has the expertise with computers and hacking into security systems. His character was funny and a smile teaser of this movie, with many of his funny lines that will definitely make you smile. I think Pegg did shine in his own way in this film. And as the only woman in the team, Paula Patton also gave a good and enjoyable performance as agent Jane Carter, a one-tough-chick who kicks ass and has a revenge to make.

Top cast, exotic places, awesome action concept and sequences, supported with a good script, what else do you need in order to make a real thrilling action movie? It has the complete package, with lots of explosions, dangerous stunts, car chase, bare hand fightings and dust storm, including an explosion that threw a car and landed just inches from the running Tom Cruise. The prison breakout scene in the beginning of the movie, and the intense final fighting scene in the car assembly warehouse, began and ended the movie with full punches.

Tom Cruise's memorable and spectacular Burj Khalifa building scene, which is the highlight of this movie and will be remembered for years to come, may be a bit over-the-top. But that is what you pay to see in a Tom Cruise's Mission: Impossible movie. And as the scene was very well shot and directed, and well acted, that made it looked believable and thrilled you at your seat, at the end you will not mind if some of the things you see are not making sense at all.

It has been a good long journey for Tom Cruise and his 'Mission Impossible'. I hated and didn't enjoy the first Mission: Impossible (1996, directed by Brian De Palma) at all. The second Mission: Impossible II (2000) was okay, with John Woo turned it into a Hong Kong style action movie. The third one by J.J. Abrams, Mission: Impossible III (2006), was surprisingly great and highly entertaining, and without a doubt the best of the three. And this latest sequel, Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol (2011), was another good example of a great action movie that knows how to deliver rock-solid action scenes. Be prepared for adrenaline-rush, as this is the movie that will surely satisfy the adrenaline junkies. (MJ)

MYMOVIE CRITIC - REVIEWING MOVIES FROM THE AUDIENCE'S STANDPOINT

Comic Review: Verity Fair #3

The latest issue of Terry Wiley's Verity Fair is another hugely entertaining slice of comedy and chaos in which Verity visits her psychiatrist to talk recurring nightmares, appears (twice) on Never Mind The Buzzcocks, shares curry with a cat and reminisces about a youthful romance with Billy Bragg (or is it?). It's just as crazy and funny and beautifully drawn as you'd expect from the wonderful Mr. Wiley and it's available now at all good comic shows... or by emailing Terry direct at verityfair@oglanut.org.uk, price £2 plus postage for a black & white copy (with colour cover), £4 plus postage for the full colour special edition.

Warning though: it may contain bottoms and swearies. Gosh, that's almost as bad as a comic featuring Too Much Sex & Violence!

My Ronnie Corbett Story (minus any funny bits)

So I went to the bank...

I went to the bank to pay in the cheque the insurance company had finally sent me in compensation for my written-off car. Getting that money has been a long and drawn-out process involving many phone calls of the "what's going on?" variety. I do hope I get the chance to score this company on their customer service at some point down the line because I'll happily rip them a new one. They were constantly telling me "you'll get a call tomorrow" but no call was ever forthcoming. After chasing them for a week to find out when the car was going to be valued ("mañana") I finally got someone to tell me, last Thursday, that the valuation would be in by the "end of the day".

"So you'll call me either this afternoon or tomorrow morning to tell me how much you'll be offering me?"

"No. We'll be calling you next Tuesday."

"TUESDAY? Why TUESDAY!?"

"Because that's when it's been diarised by the computer."

"OK, what if I call you back in the morning?"

"Oh, if you call us, we'll be able to tell you then. But if you don't call us, expect a call on Tuesday."

Unsurprisingly, then, I was ready for a fight when I actually got the quote. Yet it turned out to be more than I'd expected. They actually offered me the old car's market value (minus my excess), which, coincidentally, was exactly what I'd paid for my new car. I snapped their hands off because I was sick of dealing with them. Which was probably their plan all along.

Anyway, I went to the bank with my cheque. The bank is just across the road from the university where I have my teacher training lessons. Not the college where I do my placement... which is proving an eye-opening experience, I can tell you. If you ever want to feel old... talk to a class of young adults. Last week, the subject of Princess Diana's funeral came up. "What do you remember about that?" I asked them. "We don't," they replied. It was only at this point that I did a rough calculation and worked out... most of them weren't even born.

But I told the producer I wouldn't digress so much in telling this story, so let's get back to the bank where I took my insurance cheque. There's one woman in front of me in the queue and as she approaches the counter to make a payment of her own, she's pounced upon by an overzealous bank employee who wants to talk to her about her account.

"If you could just spare me a few moments, I think I can get you on a much better account."

"Well, I can't really... I've only ten minutes left on the parking meter."

"It won't take any longer than that."

She squirmed, made more excuses, but the vulture wouldn't let her alone. Finally she relented and agreed to follow him back to his desk for the hard sell. I breathed a sigh of relief. At least while he was tied up with her, I could make my payment and escape before he had chance to get his claws into me. And so I did...

I arrived at the university about ten minutes early for my lesson, so I joined a group of my fellow trainees in the coffee shop. I sat down for a chat and Americano... and that's when my phone started ringing. "I better turn that off before the lesson," I thought, but even though I didn't recognise the caller's number, I took the chance of answering it.

"Mr. Hirst? This is Bob Vulture from the bank? You were here a few minutes ago to pay in a cheque?"

"Erm... yes... is there a problem?"

"Oh, no problem with your cheque, Mr. Hirst. That's gone in fine. No, it's just that I noticed the current account you were using is quite an old one..."

(I didn't even pay the cheque into my current account - I paid it into my savings account. He had no reason to even look at my current account.)

"I wondered, if you were still nearby, if you wouldn't mind popping back in to see if I can't help you onto a better account for..."

I won't bore you with the rest, but yes, you guessed it, the "better account" was going to end up costing me more money... and yes, he rather lost interest in "helping me" once he discovered I was currently unemployed.

Here's an appropriate song in lieu of a punchline...

Movie Review: Another Earth

I knew very little about Another Earth as I walked into the cinema, only that it was a low budget movie about the discovery of an identical earth in orbit around our own. I was intrigued enough to give it a go, and I'm glad I did. Hidden away, with no stars and a limited release, this proved to be one of the year's most engrossing pictures.

As with all the best sci fi, the big ideas here take a back seat to the characters. Essentially this is a story about two people: a reckless young student (Brit Marling) with a promising career ahead of her and a successful composer and family man (Lost bit-parter William Mapother, cursed forever to be known as as "Tom Cruise's cousin", proving himself here to a far more interesting actor). Both their lives are changed on the night the second earth appears in the sky, and what follows is the story of how they rebuild themselves while a terrible secret lurks behind their every encounter. It's a doomed love story, beautifully observed, with strong performances from both leads. The film, written by Marling and director Mike Cahill, grips from the start and leads to an enigmatic, emotional and hugely satisfying conclusion. If you get a chance to catch it on the big screen, grab it.

My Week On The Web

Over at The Mixtape Lives On, we're gearing up for 2012 with my favourite songs about the End of the World. This week, that's included classic offerings from Johnny Cash, The Clash, The Handsome Family and Barry Maguire. We also played another great List Song by The Jim Carroll Band (about all his dead friends), new music from Low Roar - with the sublime title of "Friends Make Garbage, True Friends Take It Out" and continued my countdown of the best albums of 2011 with Noah & The Whale.

Elsewhere on the web this week, Dan from All That Comes With It broke his vow to never blog again by setting up a rival Slawit blog. Hey, I'm not worried - I can stand the competition!

Ryan and James Lindsay, my brothers from down under began their appeal to gather financing for their short film Soap - the story of a man who must wash his hands every hour, on the hour. Being a little bit OCD myself, I can sympathise...

Sam Johnson began teasing his new comic book...



And I discovered this year's heaviest Christmas record from Krashkarma...



...the music may not be to your liking, but the video's worth watching to see what happens when McCauley Culkin meets Freddie Krueger.



That was my week on the web - how was yours?

Book Review: The Courage Consort by Michel Faber

The Courage Consort, "possibly the seventh best-known a cappella vocal ensemble in Britain", are holed up in a rural Belgian château to rehearse the most complicated piece they've ever had to perform: Partitum Mutante. Forced to co-exist under the same roof for the first time, egos begin to clash and minds begin to fray. Relationship break down, strange allegiances form and... is that a ghost wailing in the woods?

Michel Faber's wonderfully observed satirical novella does for avant-garde classical music what Spinal Tap did for heavy rock. Although it's a short book, every sentence is a gem.

As for Dagmar, the most recent addition to the group, she'd stuck with the Courage Consort because they gave her fewer hassles than any of her many previous liaisons. After walking out on the Staatsoper because the directors seemed to think she was too sexually immoral to sing opera (her last role for them was Berg's prostitute Lulu, for God's sake!) she'd been a bit wary of these smiling English people, but it had turned out OK. They allowed her to get away with tempestuous love affairs, even illegitimate pregnancy, as long as she showed up on time, and this she had no trouble with. For nine months of ballooning belly she'd never missed a rehearsal: she'd given birth, prudently, during the lull between Ligeti's Aventures in Basle and the 'Carols Sacred and Profane' Christmas concert in Huddersfield. That was good enough for Roger Courage, who had sent her a tasteful congratulations card without enquiring after the baby's name or sex.

Extra marks for mentioning Huddersfield: we're proud of our Choral Society.

It's All About Meme

Stolen from Sunday Stealing...

1) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Buy my comic.

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Today, I feel like saying Stan Lee.

3) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Los Angeles circa 1940, when Raymond Chandler and Philip Marlowe walked those streets.

4) What do you think about most?

Stories.

5) You have the opportunity to spend a romantic night with the music celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

If you'd asked me this when I was 16, I'd have replied Carol Decker. Today though...?

Amanda Palmer. Not because I fancy her, just to piss Neil Gaiman off.

6) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

What doesn't kill you just makes you stronger. Most of the horrible experiences in my past have proved inspirational fodder for stories...

7) What's your strangest talent?

Being able to sleep with headphones on.

8) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?

Where did you bury the body?

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Of course. Morrissey just doesn't realise it.

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?

The last time I heard this...

11) Do you have any strange phobias?

Gumpophobia: The Fear of Tom Hanks.

12) What's your religion?

True believer (see question 2).

13) What is your current desktop picture?

14) When you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Walking.

15) What's the last song you listened to?

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Not at all simple. The obvious answer would be The Smiths... but a more contemporary answer would be The Indelicates.

17) What was the last lie you told?

"No, I don't want to go home."

18) Do you believe in karma?

I'm scared to say no, just in case...

19) What is a saying you say a lot?

"Hey, man, this is a private residence!"

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

i) Being rubbish at everything.

ii) Fooling people into believing I'm not.

21) Who is your celebrity crush?

Kate Winslet's restraining order has barred me from answering this question.

22) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: heart.

Tragically, it was 'beat'. I must be a closet Nick Berry fan. I claim Buddy Holly.

23) How do you vent your anger?

With a silent scream.

24) Do you have a collection of anything?

Comics, though it's rapidly dwindling. Music. Books.

25) What is your favorite word?

Coffee. Hmm, coffee...

Comic Review: The Abnormals

When people talk about the most influential comics of the last 30 years, they often namecheck Watchmen or The Dark Knight Returns. Yet if the UK small press scene is anything to go by, I'd put Grant Morrison's seminal run on Doom Patrol high up on that list as well. That book certainly had a huge impact on me and I know Spandex's Martin Eden rates it highly as well. Now here comes Grant Springford, writer/artist of The Abnormals, a book which wears its Doom Patrol influence shamelessly on its sleeve - and that's no bad thing for fans of kooky, off-kilter super-hero fun.

The Abnormals Special #1 introduces us to a weird bunch of characters such as Meena Malhotra, Angie Gray (she's not an alien), Throwback, The Link, Nasty (Nastiorumbalokey) the imp and Jack Patch... and now I'm itching to read more. There's a good bit of set-up and foreshadowing as you'd expect from a first issue, but there's also a full story featuring a spooky threat on the London underground, savage poltergeists made up of lost property and despair. Grant's art is striking and vividly coloured and the script is sharp and intriguing.

Feeling Abnormal? Find out more here.

What's Another Year?

Sunset Over Slawit is five today, and it's been a pretty tumultuous year here at SOS-towers. This was the year I lost my job, crashed my car and fell foul of the local nutter.

On the plus side, I began training for a new profession, launched a successful comic and started a new music blog.

That last one seems a pretty crazy thing to do as the blogosphere itself continues to shrink (we said goodbye to RB and Dan this year, among others) and my own available blogging time decreases (it's amazing how much more free time there was in the day when I had a full time job). But The Mixtape Lives On is a fast-fix for my blogging cravings and I've always preferred writing about music to just about any other subject. Makes you wonder whether this blog will see a sixth birthday... I guess only time will tell. With the exception of Steve, I doubt anybody would really miss it.

Yay! Happy blogbirthday, me! Anyone for cake?

Top Ten Breakdown Songs

Ten pop and rock stars stuck on the hard shoulder (or, like me, in a hedge) waiting for a tow truck. Let’s hope they all have Breakdown Cover.

10. Dale Watson - Flat Tire

If Johnny Cash had driven a truck, he might have sounded like Dale Watson.

9. Radiohead - Blow Out

Radiohead don't have a lot of luck on the road. First a blow out, then they crash their fast German car and only an airbag saves their life. They should stick to public transport.

8. The Handsome Family - Stalled

Brett Sparks stalls his pickup truck in the snow, far from town... then just sits there in the dark. As stories go, it's not a great one. There's no serial killer with a hook on his arm or anything. But it still sounds real good.

7. Tool - Lost Keys

Tool also appear to have lost the lyrics sheet.

6. Jesse Malin & Bruce Springsteen - Broken Radio

You probably wouldn't be too popular if you called up breakdown recovery with a problem like this... but if you ask me, the radio is possibly the most essential component of any automotive vehicle. Driving without due musical entertainment should be outlawed.

5. Paul Westerberg - Dirty Diesel

Dirty Diesel causes Paul Westerberg all manner of problems... particularly as his car takes unleaded. He's going to need a Replacement.

4. Adam & The Ants - Car Trouble

In which Adam Ant ends up having to push, push, push his light blue car all the way home. Serves him right for being a dandy highwayman.

3. Jackson Browne - Running On Empty

Jackson Browne runs out of gas, but not when it comes to songwriting.

2. Elbow - Puncture Repair

You could probably fix this one yourself with a just bit of Elbow grease, Guy.

1. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Breakdown

There were enough songs with ‘breakdown’ in the title to fill a Top Ten all by themselves. Tom Petty's debut single was the best.

Gig Review: Frank Turner Live In Manchester

I only discovered Frank Turner last year but he's rapidly become one of my favourite artists. His songs are passionate, witty, outspoken and, at times, intensely personal. He mixes heartfelt rock 'n' roll with barnstorming folk like Bruce, Billy and Richard Thompson before him. He's the real deal.

I've been wanting to see Frank live for ages but the last time he played Manchester the tickets sold out immediately. It was obviously time for him to move up and play somewhere bigger... sadly this turned out to be my least favourite venue: the dreaded Apollo. It's a sign of how desperate I was to see this performer live that (still carless) I caught a bus, a train and then took a long walk through one of the dodgiest parts of Manchester... thankfully, Frank didn't let me down.

It was heartening to find myself alongside a great number of Frank-ophiles, many of whom proved all the more devoted with their word perfect singalongs to even the most obscure tracks from the Turner back pages. This is obviously an artist who touches and inspires a great many people and he's surely now on the verge of a tipping point from cult sensation to arena-filling rock star. I missed my chance to see him in the smaller venues but I'll certainly follow him to the larger ones... as long as he doesn't hurry back to the Apollo.

God, that place just goes out of its way to grab my goat. Saturday's annoyance was the heat - turned up so high I almost passed out (no exaggeration for effect). Completely unnecessary... unless it was all a scam to sell more beers. Insert your own Apollo / sun god / surface of the sun gag here; for me it's just one more reason to never set foot in the place again. Please, Frank, make it The Academy next time... or the MEN. Anywhere but the bloody Apollo!

Even More Sex & Violence

Many thanks to Andy Oliver over at Broken Frontier for helping promote my new comic, TOO MUCH SEX & VIOLENCE. I've never been interviewed before... it makes me feel like a proper writer - at last!

Read the Broken Frontier interview here.

Meanwhile, feedback and reviews on the first issue continue to pour in... here's another selection of opinions...

"If you are a fan of League of Gentlemen, then Too Much Sex & Violence is the comic for you. A gloriously depraved and quirky selection of vignettes all settled around the 'not so quiet' seaside town of Fathomsby. Rol Hirst writes and corrals the assorted artists together to make this one of the more interesting reads this year."

(Gary Erskine: artist, Hellblazer, The Filth, Dan Dare.)

"Reminds me of Gary Spencer Millidge's Strangehaven on a bad drug trip! If you like the dark humour of the League of Gentlemen then you'll like this comic!" (Selina Lock: writer/editor, The Girly Comic.)

"Hail to Fathomsby!" (James Lindsay: writer, filmmaker, A Pessimist Darkly.)

"...superbly paced and dramatically rendered... you can never have to much of a good thing, and Too Much Sex & Violence is a very good thing." (Dan Powell: award-winning writer.:)

"...delectably macabre..." Andy Oliver: writer/editor, Broken Frontier.

"...beautifully overdone stuff." Al Ewing: writer, Travelling Man.

"There are some great lines in it too... It made me chuckle anyway." Michael Barnes aka El Blondino, artist.

And if you missed the first batch of reviews, click here.

If you've not yet got enough Sex & Violence in your life... get yourself a copy today.

Movie Review: Immortals

I do so hate it when someone whose opinion I value and respect gets to review a movie on their blog before I do. Especially if they like it and I think it sucks wet ass through a straw. Who am I to disagree with Steve? His opinion is, I'm sure you'll agree, far more worthy than mine. He has the wisdom of age behind him, for one thing. Look, if you think Immortals is your kind of movie, stop reading this review now and go read Steve's. But if you want to hear someone have a good old moan...

I think I may have a problem with director Tarsem Singh. I didn't notice his name in the credits, I hadn't read it in any reviews, yet I soon recognised his style from the last time I was forced to sit through one of his films: The Cell starring Jennifer Lopez and Vince Vaughan (from way back in 2000). Like that film, Immortals is visually stunning. Both will stick in my mind as being two of the most picturesque movies I've ever seen. Tarsem certainly puts the money up there on the screen and has a painter's eyes for detail. Every shot is like Michelangelo meets Salvador Dali. It's almost more than the human eye can contain. And this one was in 3D too... you know what a colossal waste of space I consider 3D to be, an affront to right-thinking cinema audience everywhere... and yet good old Tarsem made it work. The 3D actually looked good. No, screw that, the 3D took my breath away.

It's a shame then that, as with The Cell, all Tarsem's attention goes on the visuals. Certainly none of it goes on securing a decent script to work from. You can't blame the plot - that's as old as the hills, but the script... man, this script was bad. Can we say "style over substance"? Can we tattoo it on Tasem's forehead so he'll see it every morning when he washes his face? Can we talk about the actors now?

The star of the movie is Henry Cavill, about who I knew very little beforehand except that he's been cast as the new Superman. You know what? I can see that. He did a pretty good job of pitching his Theseus somewhere between the big blue boyscout and his speccy, stuttering alter ego. Doesn't mean I gave a monkeys what happened to him, or the impossibly beautiful Freida Pinto who plays his oracle. Beyond them, John Hurt plays John Hurt (his default position these days) and Mickey Rourke plays the old Avengers baddie Orka The Killer Whale. Seriously. Compare the photo above with the cover below and you'll see what I mean.

Beyond that, I have little else to add. Immortals gives lie to the old maxim that you can't polish a turd. It seems, after all, you can. You can paint it up to be the most spectacular, sparkly, devastatingly beautiful turds anyone has ever seen - in 3D too! At the end of the day though, it's still a bum radish.

On the other hand...

My Top Twenty Teacher Songs

One of the things I've been doing over at The Mixtape Lives On for the past few weeks is playing songs about teachers. In preparation for my new job, it seemed wise to find out what my favourite singers and songwriters thought about their teachers. Most of them concluded they were a bunch of lecherous pervs, bullying ghouls or sexually frustrated stalkers. Still, what do pop stars know about anything? They don't live in the real world...

Here's my full Top 20, click the links to listen to and read more about each song...


20. Paul Simon - The Teacher

19. The Talks - Teachers

18. Super Furry Animals - The Teacher

17. Leonard Cohen - The Teacher

16. Big Country - The Teacher

15. Pet Shop Boys - Hey, Headmaster!

14. Rufus Wainwright - The Art Teacher

13. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - Teach Your Children Well

12. Van Halen - Hot For Teacher

11. Belle & Sebastian - Expectations

10. Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall

9. Timbuk 3 - The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

8. Morrissey - The Teachers Are Afraid Of The Pupils

7. Black Kids - I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You

6. The Police - Don't Stand So Close To Me

5. Madness - Baggy Trousers

4. The Trashcan Sinatras - To Sir, With Love

3. Pulp - PTA

2. The Smiths - The Headmaster Ritual

1. Black Box Recorder - The School Song



Discover a new song every day at The Mixtape Lives On...