Why I Don't Get My Sci Fi Nerd Badge

Thanks to Samurai Frog, who pointed me towards this list of 20 Things Every Sci-Fi Nerd Should Own Physically & Emotionally...

1) Conan The Barbarian Soundtrack

I was never much of a Conan fan, though if I were I suspect I'd have wanted someone other than Arnie to play that particular Hyborian hero. As to the soundtrack...?

FAIL.

2) Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep

I have read this but honestly preferred the film. It is still on my bookshelf though, so I guess I score one point here.

3) The Twilight Zone Collection

Yes. The original US box set with TZ companion book included. Rod Serling is a genius.

4) The Original Star Wars Trilogy – WITHOUT ANY ADDED CRAP

I have the original VHS videos upstairs in the attic, pre-Special Edition, though I think even they had been mucked around with prior to release. I'll count that as a yes, even though I haven't watched them in years.

5) A Profound Hatred for Star Trek Enterprise

I never watched any Star Trek apart from the original Kirk & Spock series, but I don't have any particular hatred for the other series. Enterprise was the one with Scott Bakula, right? How can anyone hate Scott Bakula? (Louise went to college with Scott Bakula's niece. She got a signed photo as proof but she's lost it now.)

FAIL.

6) The Lord of The Rings Extended Edition, The Soundtracks and all of the books

Never liked Orcs.

FAIL.

7) A Profound Sadness for the Way Battlestar Galactica Ended

Never seen it, though Louise has been watching the DVDs and is preparing herself for a let down.

FAIL.

8) A Passionately Favorite Version of the REAL Doctor Who

By "real Doctor Who", I guess you're referring to the pre-revival era? Personally, I don't think of that as any more real than the current incarnation. The Who I grew up with was Tom Baker and I also had a great fondness for Peter Davidson. My favourite Doctor of all time may well be Matt Smith though...

Half a point?

9) A Fear That Will Smith Will Someday Star in The Movie Adaptation of Your Favorite Book

I Am Legend is a favourite book and I had few problems with the Will Smith movie. I guess that's another:

FAIL.

10) Toys from Your Childhood That You Refuse To Part With

Huggy bear. (He lost his nose to a dog.) Not very sci fi, but I'll take the point.

11) The Belief that the Word Midichlorian Was Just from a Nightmare and NOT a real Star Wars Movie

I'll definitely take that point.

12) The Original Tron Movie

Y'know... I'm not sure I've ever ever seen it.

FAIL.

13) An affection for the TV show Firefly

"Affection?" We call it love round these parts.

14) A Hatred for Chris O’Donnell

Why? Because he wasn't Burt Ward? Nah, I don't hate O'Donnell. I might hate Joel Schumacher... if it wasn't for Falling Down.

FAIL.

15) You Know Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics

FAIL.

16) You think Cheetara is HOT!

Thundercats was after my time.

FAIL.

17) You Believe Aliens are our REAL Gods

Am I trying to get my Sci Fi Nerd Badge or my Complete & Utter Numbskull Badge?

FAIL.

18) You Have a Favorite Animated Cult Sci-Fi Movie

Can't think of one.

FAIL.

19) You Blame Hot Rod for Optimus Prime’s Death

Transformers was (just) after my time.

FAIL.

20) You DESPISE Michael Bay for Masturbating on your Childhood

No, I despise George Lucas for that. Michael Bay is just an idiot. If I despised idiots, I'd never leave the house.

FAIL.


Seven and a half out of twenty? Guess I can't claim my badge. I suck at everything...

2011 - TV of the Year

My annual countdown looking back on the best bits of the dying year begins here... with the magical tellybox. This year I've had to suffer the loss of Lost and 365 days without 24. So what's taken their places? Not The Walking Dead (or The Treading Water as we've renamed the lacklustre second series; inspired mid-season climax not withstanding) or True Blood (though the camp monstrosity of Denis O'Hare's Russell Edgington almost brought it home, we did have to balance that with the whole "Sookie is a Faerie" nonsense, and not enough Jason or Lafayette). Speaking of O'Hare, I'm still undecided about American Horror Story. The more ridiculous and implausible it becomes, the more I find it a guilty pleasure, and there are some great performances from O'Hare, Jessica Lange and Six Feet Under's Frances Conroy (slumming it). But... I can't help but feel they're making it up as they go along. And as for Smallville...

As usual, I've probably forgotten some shows that ran earlier in the year. Special runner's up prize goes to Fresh Meat, which is probably a better show than half the ones listed below, but hasn't yet wormed its way into my subconscious. Next year, it could well be Top Ten. For anyone who's read these lists in years gone by, the Top Fifteen will contain few surprises...

15. Castle

Occupying the same slot it did on last year's countdown, Castle continues to be a great example of comfort food telly, thanks largely to the charming Nathan Fillion. That said, they did shake up the formula somewhat at the end of Season 3, so I'm intrigued to see where it goes from here.

14. The Hour

Dominic West comes home from Baltimore for a show that's about as far away from The Wire as possible. He's still got that devilish twinkle in his eye as 50s newscaster Hector Madden and, along with Ben Whishshaw and Romola Garai, West helped make this show more than just a British Mad Men.

13. Rev.

A rarity in sitcom world, Tom Hollander's Rev is both witty and thought-provoking. It's not afraid to swerve away from the obvious laugh in favour of deeper, sadder, yet more honest resolutions. And it has genuine character development. Excellent cast (particularly Simon McBurney as Archdeacon Robert) and some top draw cameos from the likes of Sylvia Sims and Richard E. Grant. Even Dawkins would be swayed by the Reverend Adam Smallbone.

12. Monk

Farewell, then, Adrian Monk. More comfort food telly, Tony Shalhoub's OCDetective always reminded me of the kind of show I'd have watched when I was a kid... the kind I didn't think they made anymore. Despite its formulaic nature, Monk managed to make me laugh out loud and cry real tears on more than one occasion. I'm glad they gave him a happy ending.

11. Nurse Jackie

Sadly stolen from our screens by the Evil Murdoch Empire, I've no idea when I'll get to watch the third and fourth seasons, but Season 2 had me itching for more of Edie Falco's self-destructive uber-nurse. Guess I'll be waiting for the DVD...

10. Fringe

No idea where Fringe is going this season, but as long as John Noble continues to give us his alternately hilarious and heartbreaking portrayal of Dr. Walter Bishop, I'll not miss an episode.

9. Psychoville

Not now, Silent Singer!



8. Justified

Come season 2, Walton Goggins got some serious competition in the sneaky scenery chewing stakes from Margo Martindale as malicious matriarch Mags Bennet. Together, they even encouraged Timothy Olyphant to raise his game. A sly, witty show not afraid to break with formula: Elmore Leonard must be proud.

7. This Is England '88

More merry misery from Shane Meadows. I just love Woody's banter...



6. Mad Men

Another one stolen by Murdoch's Evil Sky Atlantic. Don Draper would not approve...

5. Luther

Told he probably wasn't getting a third series, Luther creator Neil Cross went all out to make the second as grim and nihilistic as possible. With random hammer-killing twins and a violent, clown-masked psycho it made Silence of the Lambs look like Playschool. And somehow granted the show a reprieve: season 3 is currently being filmed. Idris Elba: another member of the Wire alumni come home and made good.

4. Doctor Who

The Stephen Moffat Renaissance continues. Matt Smith cements his place as Best 21st Century Doctor. And Who finally became a show about Time Travel!

3. Frozen Planet

Who cares if they faked the baby polar bear scene? This was still jaw-dropping, eye-popping TV that finally justified the invention of HD and made us all fall in love with penguins. Again.

2. Forbrydlesen / Forbrydelsen II (The Killing)

Like a Danish Jack Bauer, Sarah Lund scowled her way into our hearts with a selection of chunky jumpers (which she even wears when visiting Afghanistan) and a single-minded, self-sacrificing determination to crack the case... even if it takes 20 episodes to do so. Roll on season 3... sadly planned to be the last.

1. House

Cuddy and Thirteen both walked out on him, but House survives (even prison couldn't reform him!), with a couple of new assistants to torment and a new boss (the best choice) to aggravate. As long as he's got Wilson, he'll be OK. But will this be the last series of House too? Hugh - no!

Going South (5): Dorchester Dinosaur Musem

Have you noticed how high tech a lot of museums and tourist attractions are becoming these days. They're not content unless they're bursting to the seems with 3D computer simulations, interactive holograms, teleporters and Hadron Colliders. Not like when I were a lad when museums were all "Do Not Touch" signs, plastic replicas of squirrel droppings and dusty fossils. Having said that, sometimes I long for the simple times. It's like Doctor Who. The modern day monsters might be impressively realistic CGI creations but there's still nothing as scary as a dustbin with a sink plunger on top. Maybe our imaginations worked a little harder back in them days...

All of which brings us to the next stop on our journey south, the Dorchester Dinosaur Museum - where the ancient relics are more than just the skulls of sabre toothed tigers and woolly mammoth tusks. Many of the exhibits here transported me back in time not just to the Jurassic Age, but to the museums of my youth, before everything came with bells, whistles and flashing lights to grab our attention deficient youth. (What a fogey I must sound. Isn't it ace?)

That's not to say this museum was entirely without audio visual or interactive elements. For the former, there was a video of Jurassic Park on continuous loop. And for the latter... who needs computer games when you've got red plastic plates? Simply press the "button" to reveal the answer...

They certainly kept me entertained. Well, them and the huge plastic dinosaur that greeted us as we arrived...

2010 - TV Of The Year

"I don't watch a lot of TV but..." could well become a catchphrase round these parts. Here's what's kept me glued to the idiot box this year...

15. Castle

Castle isn't great TV. It's formulaic as hell. The scripts rarely get beyond workmanlike. It has none of the sparkle of Moonlighting or even Remington Steel, which it so carefully models itself on. And yet, I can't stop watching it - for two great reasons. The main one being Nathan Fillion, who - after Firefly and Dr. Horrible - I have a heckuva lot of time for. He's one of those actors who can make even the corniest of lines raise a smile, and who has more charisma in his eyebrow than I have in my whole body. And then there's the improbably named Stana Katic who's grown beyond just another unbelievably pretty American TV cop to develop actual chemistry with her goofball co-star that often goes beyond what the scriptwriters can bother to deliver. They make an engaging pair... to the point where I'm also tempted to check out Ms. Katic's previous role...

...but I just know I'd be disappointed.

I've always been a sucker for quirky detective shows and now Monk has hung up his OCD mac (though we've still to see the final series in the UK), Castle fills that gap nicely.

14. La La Land

In which guerrilla comedian Marc Wootton takes his hideous creations Gary Garner (a wannabe Jason Statham), Brendan Allen (a kamikaze documentary maker with no ideas of his own) and Shirley Ghostman (a disgraced psychic) to Hollywood... where everyone takes him far too seriously.



13. Luther

Stringer Bell escapes Baltimore and comes home to London where Idris Elba's maverick cop teams up with a cold-as-ice murderer (an inspired, nutty-as-a-fruitcake turn from Ruth Wilson) and tries to keep his job while his best friend goes mental, his wife shacks up with a one time Doctor Who, and everyone wants his badge. This show got better the more extreme it became, leading to a genuinely exciting climax. Disappointing then that the Beeb seem to committed to only two new episodes next year.

12. True Blood

A curious show in which the main characters are also the least interesting and most annoying. If True Blood was just about Sookie and Bill, I'm not sure I'd still be bothered. Fortunately Season 2 brought other characters to the fore - notably Eric, Sam, Lafayette, Jessica and Jason. If they made Jason the star, I'd watch this show forever.

11. The Trip

Sending Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon off on a tour of the north's favourite poncey restaurants could easily have been a luvvie-fest of tedious proportions. Fortunately director Michael Winterbottom had other plans, playing with our expectations of both performers, letting them riff mercilessly, and revealing unexpectedly dark and touching aspects to their "characters" in the process. At times laugh-out-loud funny, at other times really quite sweet.



10. Nurse Jackie

Like ER's wicked step-sister, this is the show that proves everything you always suspected about hospitals. The staff are sicker than the patients. Edie Falco's philandering, pill-popping, mercy killing head nurse is scarier even than a Carry On matron.

9. Justified

When The Shield wrapped, it was a dark day for fans of Walton (Shane) Goggins. Apart from an amusing turn in the otherwise woeful Predators, where would we see our favourite bad boy again? Luckily he turned up as a thorn in Timothy Olyphant's side in Justified... then went and found God and got really messed up. Olyphant in a sheriff's hat is always good value, but it's Goggins who makes this show unmissable. Glad to see he'll be back for season two.

8. Sherlock

Everything that needs to be said has already been said, far more incisively, by others. Sherlock wasn't perfect (the middle episode sagged), but it really shouldn't have worked at all. Yet Benedict Cumberbatch's ADHD Holmes and (particularly) Martin Freeman's warm everyman Watson provided essential viewing, not to mention that sly but nail-biting Moriarty cliffhanger which left us all begging for more.

7. Fringe

This was the year that Fringe finally found its feet and stepped out of the knock-off X-Files box as alternate realities went to war, fake Olivia swapped places with real Olivia, Peter (Pacey) bedded fake Olivia by accident, and Walter Bishop - always the star of the show - offered his son some typically skewed words of comfort...

"In the seventies I innocently wandered in the wrong home and it was three days before I realized my mistake. And unlike Olivia, the woman I was sharing a bed with didn't look like my wife at all."

6. 24

For my full tribute to Jack Bauer, click the link.

5. Doctor Who

Finally, everything clicked with me and New Who. Mainly due to the departure of Russell T. Davies and the stepping up of Stephen Moffat, a writer who understands both sci fi and characterisation - and actually gets the possibilities of time travel too. Credit must also go to Matt Smith. Whereas Eccleston's Doctor was a little too reluctant and Tennant's occasionally over the top, Smith pitched it just right. And then there's Karen Gillen - the least annoying Doctor Who companion since Romana... and easiest on the eye since Peri Brown.

4. This Is England '86

Part hilarious nostalgia piece, part harrowing social drama... and featuring Flip and his gang of moped-riding goons: TV idiots of the year.



3. Mad Men

How could Mad Men top the assassination of JFK? Easy, by getting Don and Peggy to work through the night on a campaign while Don's world fell apart around him. Best single episode of any show this year - though the rest wasn't too shabby either.

RIP, Mrs. Blankenship.

2. Lost

It was never going to please everybody, but the Lost finale satisfied me, wrapping up enough of the mysteries, answering enough of the questions, and managing to give even long-dead characters a happy ending... of sorts. Plus, Sawyer got away. That'll do me.

1. House

House beat everything else for me this year, though admittedly I have been catching up. Season 6, starting with House in the loony bin, was the best yet... and while Season 7 (House in love!) isn't quite up to that standard, that's only because I'm scared that a happy House cannot last... and I care so much about this character, I really don't want to see him hurt any more.

Hugh Laurie is the highest paid TV star in the world? Hugh Laurie!?

Deservedly so.

Black Evening

David Morrell is the Canadian-American author who created the character John Rambo in his critically acclaimed debut novel First Blood...

Wait, wait - come back! Give him a chance!

I've not read First Blood, but from reading Morrell's Black Evening, I'm pretty sure his prose was mangled beyond all recognition by Sylvester Stallone. One story here, Dead Image, hints at the truth behind Morrell's experiences with Hollywood...

"He doesn't act. He poses. It wasn't enough that he wanted eight million bucks and fifteen upfront points to do the picture. It wasn't enough that he changed my scene so the dialogue sounded as if a moron had written it. No, he had to keep dashing to his trailer, snorting some coke (for 'creative inspiration', he said), then sniffling after every sentence in the big speech of the picture."

You warm to David Morrell after that.

Black Evening collects short stories from throughout Morrell's career, many of which stand up well against the work of his contemporary, and obvious comparison, Stephen King. Here are tales of gruesome murder, black magic, haunted houses and deadly obsessions. In one story a writer buys a magical typewriter that writes trashly - yet wildly lucrative - novels, not matter what keys he hits. In another, a man is cursed by a Native American rainmaker so that storms follow him wherever he goes. In yet another, a college football team wins every game they play - as long as each player touches the head of strange little idol before kick off.

And then there's the story that drove me to seek out this collection, thanks to a recommendation from Pip. Orange Is For Anguish, Blue Is For Insanity is eerily close to Richard Curtis's recent Doctor Who episode, yet was written long before. It features an artist who is driven to investigate the hidden colours - and frightening truths - inside the paintings of Dutch master Van 'Dorn'. Not quite as emotional as the Curtis Van Gogh, but all the ideas are there for the taking.

Each story here is fast-paced, gripping and eminently readable. Only very occasionally does Morrell go a little too far for my delicate sensibilities - one description in the first story made me wince, partly from its graphic nature, partly from its rather un-pc prose. Then again, it was written in 1971, when the world was a rather topsy turvy place in such matters... and John Rambo was anything but a target for meathead mockery.

Richard Curtis... All Is Forgiven

After the genius of Blackadder, the crimes of Richard Curtis live on in infamy. The Vicar of Dibley. Mr. Bean. Love Actually. Culminating in the most woefully disappointing film of last year, The Boat That Rocked... it really seemed like there was no way back for him.

So I wasn't looking forward to last night's Doctor Who. Particularly as the Moffat/Smith Who resurrection has been so consistently strong till now, finally realising the potential this show had so often squandered under Russell T. Davies. The last thing I'd expected was the most emotional piece of mainstream telly I've seen in many a year.

Manipulatively sentimental? You could say that. If you were more of a cynic than me. (If you are more of a cynic than me, I pity you, I really do.) The last 15 minutes of last night's Doctor Who had me fighting back tears the whole way. I'm not entirely sure I can put into words just why... but that's never stopped me before. Firstly, the idea of an artist who spends his whole life feeling unappreciated finally, for one brief moment, getting to see how that will change after his death. Secondly, the loneliness of Van Gogh himself (brilliantly brought to life by Tony Curran). Loneliness as a theme that always gets to me. I keep coming back to that quote from Mother Teresa, "the most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved". And that was a woman who'd seen poverty in all its forms. Finally, the idea that the Doctor and Amy not only give Vincent a few fleeting moments of friendship, happiness, and accomplishment... but that by doing so, may even have hastened his eventual suicide. Who knows how a bipolar personality would respond to being shown what the Doctor showed Vincent? That's the real sting in this tale.

So, thank you Richard Curtis. And thank you Steven Moffat, for the rehabilitation of Richard Curtis. Perhaps that dreaded Neil Gaiman episode will turn out OK after all...