Why I Don't Get My Sci Fi Nerd Badge

Thanks to Samurai Frog, who pointed me towards this list of 20 Things Every Sci-Fi Nerd Should Own Physically & Emotionally...

1) Conan The Barbarian Soundtrack

I was never much of a Conan fan, though if I were I suspect I'd have wanted someone other than Arnie to play that particular Hyborian hero. As to the soundtrack...?

FAIL.

2) Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep

I have read this but honestly preferred the film. It is still on my bookshelf though, so I guess I score one point here.

3) The Twilight Zone Collection

Yes. The original US box set with TZ companion book included. Rod Serling is a genius.

4) The Original Star Wars Trilogy – WITHOUT ANY ADDED CRAP

I have the original VHS videos upstairs in the attic, pre-Special Edition, though I think even they had been mucked around with prior to release. I'll count that as a yes, even though I haven't watched them in years.

5) A Profound Hatred for Star Trek Enterprise

I never watched any Star Trek apart from the original Kirk & Spock series, but I don't have any particular hatred for the other series. Enterprise was the one with Scott Bakula, right? How can anyone hate Scott Bakula? (Louise went to college with Scott Bakula's niece. She got a signed photo as proof but she's lost it now.)

FAIL.

6) The Lord of The Rings Extended Edition, The Soundtracks and all of the books

Never liked Orcs.

FAIL.

7) A Profound Sadness for the Way Battlestar Galactica Ended

Never seen it, though Louise has been watching the DVDs and is preparing herself for a let down.

FAIL.

8) A Passionately Favorite Version of the REAL Doctor Who

By "real Doctor Who", I guess you're referring to the pre-revival era? Personally, I don't think of that as any more real than the current incarnation. The Who I grew up with was Tom Baker and I also had a great fondness for Peter Davidson. My favourite Doctor of all time may well be Matt Smith though...

Half a point?

9) A Fear That Will Smith Will Someday Star in The Movie Adaptation of Your Favorite Book

I Am Legend is a favourite book and I had few problems with the Will Smith movie. I guess that's another:

FAIL.

10) Toys from Your Childhood That You Refuse To Part With

Huggy bear. (He lost his nose to a dog.) Not very sci fi, but I'll take the point.

11) The Belief that the Word Midichlorian Was Just from a Nightmare and NOT a real Star Wars Movie

I'll definitely take that point.

12) The Original Tron Movie

Y'know... I'm not sure I've ever ever seen it.

FAIL.

13) An affection for the TV show Firefly

"Affection?" We call it love round these parts.

14) A Hatred for Chris O’Donnell

Why? Because he wasn't Burt Ward? Nah, I don't hate O'Donnell. I might hate Joel Schumacher... if it wasn't for Falling Down.

FAIL.

15) You Know Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics

FAIL.

16) You think Cheetara is HOT!

Thundercats was after my time.

FAIL.

17) You Believe Aliens are our REAL Gods

Am I trying to get my Sci Fi Nerd Badge or my Complete & Utter Numbskull Badge?

FAIL.

18) You Have a Favorite Animated Cult Sci-Fi Movie

Can't think of one.

FAIL.

19) You Blame Hot Rod for Optimus Prime’s Death

Transformers was (just) after my time.

FAIL.

20) You DESPISE Michael Bay for Masturbating on your Childhood

No, I despise George Lucas for that. Michael Bay is just an idiot. If I despised idiots, I'd never leave the house.

FAIL.


Seven and a half out of twenty? Guess I can't claim my badge. I suck at everything...

Transformers 3 - Look, It Wasn't My Idea, Right?

Really.

They made me do it.

Considering how much I hated the last Transformers movie, surely wild horses couldn't drag me to a cinema showing the third one?

What can I say?

I'm weak.

I'm easily led.

I didn't have actually pay any money.

Please believe me, this was not my idea.

The annoying thing is, Michel Bay actually suckered me into believing this time might be different. The opening ten minutes present some genuinely interesting story possibilities. It's just the other six hours that are utterly unbearable.

Yes, this is an arse-numbingly long movie. It begins in the 60s, at the glorious highpoint of US history: the moon landing. The writers obviously wanted us to contrast this with the fall of the American Empire in the 21st century, and maybe there's some suggestion that the hubris that led man to walk on the moon ultimately brings about the downfall of this seemingly unstoppable world leader. Or something. Any suggestion of intelligent plot is jettisoned like a booster rocket as soon as T3 splashes down in 2011.

From then on in, we get more of exactly what you'd expect. Big fighting robots. Shia LaBeouf running, screaming and mugging for the camera. Some vacuous wooden underwear model who's drafted in to disprove the notion that Megan Fox is the worst actress in Hollywood. More sickening machine-porn and breathless disaster-porn than even Richard Hammond could dream of. And then... we get the Coen Brothers influence.

The last two Transformers movies have been graced by the smoked ham of John Turturro, slumming it for the paycheck - The Jesus would be ashamed. (And he's a pederast, dude.) This time, he's brought friends. Not just John Malkovich with shiny teeth and Bad Comedy controls turned up to 11... but Mrs. Coen herself, Frances McDormand. My god, Frances - what are you doing? My only hope is that your hubby and brother-in-law needed a cash boost for their next project and your appearance here is just a charity appeal. Any other explanation is too depressing to consider.

Still, let's look on the bright side. Transformers 3 isn't quite as bad as 2... in the same way that losing a testicle to a threshing machine isn't quite as bad as losing your whole scrotum.