The Girl Who Played With Fire

The second of Stieg Larsson's Millennium trilogy is just as page-turnery and unputdownable as The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, though it does stretch credibility to breaking point - or, more appropriately, shoot credibility in the brain then bury it in a shallow grave in the woods.

Unlike the previous book, the plot this time lands squarely on the doorstep of our titular, angry-goth-feminist-icon, heroine Lisbeth Salander when she's accused of murdering two reporters and her sleazy probation officer in a night of kill-crazy violence. Fortunately she has an excellent hiding place, plus the help of a veritable phone book of crack investigators - chiefly Millennium's publisher / Lisbeth's onetime lover Mikael Blomkvist. Also helping prove her innocence are her former employer, original probation office, boxing coach and Chinese girlfriend... even the police have Lisbeth sympathizers in their ranks, which is useful because the evidence against her is pretty condemning.

Oh, and there's also a secondary plotline about sex trafficking which seems to point towards some frightening figures from Lisbeth's past... who may or may not be untouchable in the eyes of the law.

Larsson's strength lies in his intricate plotting and eye for absorbing detail. He has the ability to write a chapter about nothing more than Lisbeth shopping for groceries or buying furniture from Ikea and make it as riveting as any murder investigation. His weakness is action sequences. Just as the showdown with Dragon Tattoo's serial killer felt slightly forced, the dramatic climax here will raise more than an eyebrow. It's melodrama and manipulation - undeniably thrilling, yet disappointing when compared to the rest of the book. That said, it's certainly not enough to discourage me from reading part 3, or cursing the cruel gods of fate who stole Larsson for us before he could write any more.

Ironically, the elements that work best in Larsson's books are the very things that don't transfer well to the cinema screen. Much of Lisbeth's investigative work involves hacking into secret computer files, while Blomkvist spends hours digging through dusty old reports in newspaper morgues. Exciting as that may be on the page, you'd be falling asleep in the cinema. So the Swedish filmmakers in charge of adapting Lisbeth's adventures to the big screen are faced with the task of not only streamlining Larsson's labyrinthine plot, but also ramping up the action. In doing so they sadly lose much of what makes the story work and render the plot bizarrely unintelligible for anyone who's not read the book. The first half of the novel is stripped down into the first 20 minutes of the movie and the large supporting cast is barely sketched compared to the fingerprint detail Larsson gives them on the page. What saves the second film - just, though not as much as the first one - is the central performances. Noomi Rapace and Michael Nyqvist bring Lisbeth and Blomkvist to life with a grubby realism that Hollywood just won't be able to match. While I'm excited to see David Fincher helming the US remakes (though I breathed a sigh of relief when the laughable rumour of Scarlett Johansson as Lisbeth proved false) and I'm hoping he can transmit more of what makes Larsson's novels so gripping to the screen, you can bet your bottom dollar there'll be no flabby nude scenes or grimy Swedish streets on show... and somehow, that just won't be the same.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. Cinema Audiences

If you're sick of reading glowing fanboy reviews of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, you might want to click away now. There's very little for me to add beyond: LOVED IT. All the potential from the comic, fully realised, in - arguably - a medium even better suited to telling this particular story than black & white semi-manga. As I've said before about Scott Pilgrim, the biggest thing this comic always had going for it was the "why hasn't anyone done that before?" concept. A young slacker battles his potential girlfriend's seven evil exes in OTT computer game and comic book inspired combat without anyone ever stopping to ask how. Just because, because that's how things work in this world - deal with it.

Scott Pilgrim kept me grinning throughout. Yes, Michael Cera is perfectly cast, but it's the support that make this film so much fun, from Kieran Culkin's mega-dry Wallace to Chris Evans and Brandon Routh hamming each other off the screen. The worst thing that could happen to Brandon Routh now is another Superman movie - with this and his show-stealing cameo in Zack & Miri, he's proved himself a far better comedy actor than comic book actor, I'd happily pay to see him headlining a movie - as long as it didn't have a big red S in the title.

Edgar Wright meanwhile takes the hyperactive direction of Spaced and turns it up to ten thousand. In a way though, we ought to be glad that this film has bombed slightly at the US box office (besides, cult status is assured) because the last thing any of us need is a load of unnecessary sequels or knock-offs. The Roadrunner-meets-Street Fighter action sequences work amazingly well in the context of Scott's world but they could so easily become annoying if, like The Matrix, they spawned a load of slow-mo imitators.

If you're stuck at certain age and never grew up, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World is the most fun you could have at the cinema this summer without The A-Team. Go see it. Or don't. What do I care?

PIRANHA (2010)

MyRating: YYY1/2

Director: Alexandre Aja
Cast: Elisabeth Shue, Stephen R. McQueen, Jerry O'Connell, Adam Scott, Ving Rhames, Jessica Szohr, Kelly Brook, Riley Steele, Christopher Lloyd, Eli Roth, Richard Dreyfuss
MPAA: Rated R for sequences of strong bloody horror violence and gore, graphic nudity, sexual content, language and some drug use

Holiday on the beach will never be the same again! Maybe we have heard this before when the phenomenal Jaws of Steven Spielberg was first being released in 1975, which made many people became afraid of the beach and the sea at that time. This Piranha was a remake from a movie directed by Joe Dante with the same title in 1978, which was actually a comedy and a parody of the successful Jaws. However, this 2010 version by Alexandre Aja was no parody!

When an underwater earthquake shakes Lake Victoria on a Spring Break event, where the number of visitors is at its peak and the beach is at its busiest time of the year, thousands of prehistoric man-eating piranhas, with sharp razor-teeth, are being released from the beneath of the earth. And the party is suddenly becoming the ultimate terror and their worst nightmares, ever, as while thousands of young visitors are partying and enjoying the beach, the fishes are also partying and enjoying their fleshes.

This movie is a horror-action-thriller with an old magic formula that turned out to work perfectly well. The story was simple, but captivating and suspenseful. The actings were good. The tension was well managed to the climax. Lots of beautiful "sceneries" on the beach. And the piranhas were cute, that will make you want to take them home and put them in the aquarium as your pets. No! They were brutal! As brutal as hell breaks loose! This movie has lots and lots amount of gore with extremely strong violence, as you can see people being eaten to the bones, bodies ripped and torn apart, beautiful faces become fleshless, tons of bloods spilling on the beach, and dead bodies floating everywhere. People screaming and panicking, trying to "swim" for their lives, including the horror-sounded screaming from the people inside the theater when seeing the horror on screen. Indeed, if you have a weak heart and stomach, then there were many pretty hard scenes to watch.

Besides scary, this movie was also sexy. Very sexy and wild. As there were plenty of beautiful young women in bikinis (and without). Definitely a feast for the eyes and a guilty pleasure movie. Actually this is the magic formula, you give them gore, and you give them pretty girls who do not mind to do anything, combined with an interesting story, then every horror fan will surely love it. It's the perfect recipe. But don't bring your kids to watch this movie, just because you think this is the cute live version of Finding Nemo, because it is not.

The other factor that didn't make this movie to fall into an average B-movie was the well-known casts and the good performances by the actors. Elisabeth Shue was convincing as the Sheriff and the mother, who concerns about the safety of her town as well as her children. Jerry O'Connell gave a very interesting performance as an eccentric pornographer and womanizer, who wants to shoot porn on beach. There were also Ving Rhames as the Deputy Sheriff, Christopher Lloyd as the marine biologist, Eli Roth as the Wet T-Shirt Host, and a performance by Richard Dreyfuss as Matt Hooper, the character he portrayed in Jaws. The young lead, Stephen R. McQueen, as Shue's son, also performed well. While Jessica Szohr, Kelly Brook and Riley Steele were the beauty pageants and the breath takers of this movie. The CGI was okay and the piranhas did look fierce, and sometimes funny. Unfortunately, I didn't watch this in 3D.

Piranha was a great fun summer horror movie. I think it delivered what the horror fans has always expected from such a movie. Not only a feast for the eyes, but also for the nerves. If you like horror, then this one is a satisfaction guaranteed! (MJ)

Thoughtballoons - John Constantine

This week's Thoughtballoons character choice was mine. Only my second time at bat, and once I'd gotten the most obvious choice out of the way... who was next?

Who else... but the second obvious choice?

If you've got a problem with the occult, and no one else can help... go find Dr. Strange, Daimon Hellstrom or Dr. Thirteen. Pray you don't ever get desperate enough to need John Constantine. Because the scouse mage, supernatural conman, and devil-taunting hellblazer is not a man you should ever wish to turn to in a crisis. John Constantine is good at helping one person, and one person only: John Constantine. Just ask his friends or family - well, you could if they weren't all burning in hell, possessed by demons or getting their insides ripped out by serial killers. (Yeah, there is Chas. Somehow Chas manges to survive everything John throws at him. Lucky bastard... if you can call that lucky.) Count on one thing - if you're in trouble and John Constantine gets involved, things are going to get much worse before they get better.

Read my John Constantine story here.

The Wedding Present Go Bizarro In Holmfirth

Congratulate me, I managed to stand up for a whole gig without too much discomfort. Still some discomfort, but nowhere near how bad I felt when I saw Ash back in April. Maybe the chiropractor is having some effect after all! He reckons I have weak knees which might be adding to the pain in my back when I'm standing. So he's got me wearing knee braces when walking, which are definitely helping manage the pain. Why not try them at a gig? Hey... there might be something to this...

Anyway - The Wedding Present in Holmfirth. There's a trend at the moment towards artists with a certain heritage digging into their back catalogues and performing a classic album all the way through, just as it appeared on record - twenty-odd years later. Never one to miss out on a bandwagon (one of his new songs involves a wife cheating on her husband via iPhone), David Gedge is dragging his latest incarnation of The Wedding Present out on the road to re-present 1989's classic Bizarro - and great it sounds too.

I was disappointed to miss out on the support - particularly when I discovered it was Cinerama. That is, the other name for The Wedding Present. Damn them! (My favourite David Gedge memory is still the Cinerama gig I went to where he was running his own T-shirt stand.) Still, whether my back would have stood up to an extra hour's punishment I'm not sure. It was Bizarro I came to see, and Bizarro I got. After an opening set of new songs and a couple of classics, the repeating voice of John Peel filled the Picturedrome, an edited montage of "The Wedding Present / The Wedding Present / The Wedding Present..." before the great man himself introduced the opening track from beyond the grave. (21 years later, David Gedge is a lot more animated than he was in this video.)

Have you ever seen a bunch of late 30-something / early 40-something blokes moshing? It's a sight to lift your heart. And though I couldn't join in myself (that was never really my scene, even as a younger man with a stronger back), I cheered them on through No!, Thanks, What Have I Said Now, Granadaland and the mammoth, showstopping Take Me! I never saw The Wedding Present back in 1989 - hell, I'd barely even heard of them - but I can't imagine them sounding any better than this. Especially on the song below, perhaps their greatest single... fans of My Favourite Dress may disagree, but as Mr. Gedge was happy to point out, "I think you paid to see the wrong album - you should have come when we did George Best."

Friday Flash - The Cleaner

I've managed another #FridayFlash short story this week... but don't start taking them for granted. I won't be able to do one every week!

The Cleaner

Me and Lisa, we both worked hard. Long hours, late nights – we were earning decent money, but never had any free time to enjoy it. The last thing we wanted was to spend our weekends scrubbing the bath or mopping the kitchen floor. So at risk of being mocked as middle class by all our right-on friends, we hired a cleaner. From a card in the newsagents window. Eight pounds an hour, three hours a week. Twenty-four quid wasn’t bad if it bought us back our Saturdays.

Joanne called round one night after work and Lisa told her exactly what we wanted. We’re not perfectionists or clean freaks or anything like that - a bit of light dusting and hoovering, a once-over in the kitchen and bathroom, that’ll be fine. As long as we’re not choking on dustballs or getting out of the bath dirtier than we got in, we’re happy.

“Oh, I think we can do a little better than that,” said Joanne. She was a slight woman in her early 30s with a bleached perm and a bright silver stud in her left nostril. Normally when I see those things they make me think I’m talking to someone with a huge zit on the side of her nose, but Joanne’s was so shiny no one could mistake it for acne.

“She seems nice enough,” said Lisa once Joanne had gone for the bus. We’d been concerned about giving someone we’d never met a key to our front door, but there seemed little to worry about. Joanne would work Friday mornings, 10 till 1, so it’d all be sorted by the time we finished work for the weekend. No problems.


Week One.

The first thing I noticed was the oven. I didn’t even get inside – I could see it shining at me as I passed the kitchen window. I thought for a moment Lisa must have bought a new one and not told me. Then I remembered the cleaner.

“It’s amazing,” said Lisa, when she got home, “it must have taken her hours.”

“It did,” I said, handing her the note.

Sorry I didn’t have time to do the whole house this week, kinda got caught up cleaning the oven – what a state! Don’t worry, now that I’ve blitzed that it’ll be a lot easier in future. Get to the rest next time – Jo.

“So we have a nice sparkly oven, but we’re still going to have to clean the rest of the house ourselves?” Lisa asked.

“Just this week. Like she says, now she’s blitzed that…”

“Was the oven really that bad?”

“I guess it must have been.”


Week Two.

This time, the first thing I noticed was the coffee ring on the kitchen table. How could Joanne miss that, I wondered, as I carried my bags through to the living room where the cat hairs on the carpet made the same patterns they had when I left for work.

“So she spent three hours on the bathroom floor?” said Lisa, reading the second note a third time.

“It must have been filthy.”

“Yeah – but we’re still going to have to do everything else ourselves.”

“Next week – she promises next week she’ll have time to do the full clean.”

“She better – or you’re having words.”

“Me? Why me?”


Week Three.

The perfume bottles on Lisa’s dressing table were arranged in order of descending height. The cut glass bottle with the elegant stopper and the crystal pendant round its neck was cleaner than when Lisa’s grandmother bought it 60 years earlier. The rest of the house was untouched.

“Right – that’s it,” said Lisa, “I’m having words.”

“I thought you wanted me to—“

“You? What would you say? You’re bloody hopeless. I’m working from home next Friday anyway so I’ll tell her straight. We don’t want her spending all her time on just one thing if it means nothing else is getting done. I’ll talk to her. It’ll be fine.”


Week Four.

I phoned home during my lunch hour. “So? How did it go?”

“She’s doing my nut in!”

“She took it the wrong way?”

“No, it was fine. I told her soon as she got here how we wanted things doing and she said no problem. She told me she was a little bit OCD, but at the end of the day she’d do it however we wanted. Then she went up to clean the bathroom… I’ve not seen her since. I knocked on the door about half an hour ago and she just said the toilet – she really needed to spend more time on the toilet. I’m dying for a pee – but she won’t let me in till she’s done!”

“We’re going to have to let her go – get someone else…”

“Too right we are! As soon as she comes out of that bloody bathroom – she’s gone!”


Week Five.

I’ve been tied to the bed now since Monday. Sometimes I can hear Lisa crying from the bathroom, but I don’t know what’s happening in there. Every few hours I see Joanne walk past the bedroom door. Sometimes she’s pushing the hoover, sometimes she’d dusting, other times she’s just looking for dirt she might have missed earlier. She’s got a huge magnifying glass, some kind of strange beeping device that measures air quality, and all the time in the world.

She brings me food twice a day. Unties my hands just enough so I can eat. Tells me not to make a mess. I know better than to get crumbs on the bedclothes. I’ve got sores on my back and my legs and I’m worried what’ll happen when they burst. Will she try and bleach the whole bed again, with me in it? She never stays to chat, there’s too much to be done.

“This house is filthy…”

Thoughtballoons - Jubilee

After many years of getting very annoyed with Chris Claremont's increasing need to overwrite every single word balloon, I finally gave up reading Uncanny X-Men in the late 80s (around the time scratchy old Mark Silvestri took over on art). I didn't pick the book up again until Grant Morrison jumped on board, and by then it was another century. As a result, I know very little about this week's Thoughtballoons character, Jubilee. As I understand it, she was created by Claremont and Jim Lee as a kind of mallrat Robin to Wolverine's Batman and she had some kind of exploding firework powers which she's subsequently lost but will probably end up getting back once she's finished being a vampire or whatever.

You can tell I don't really care, can't you?

Still, that didn't stop me writing my own 2 panel Jubilee script... my first Thoughtballoons What If? Well, I like it even if nobody else does...

August Listening

So what am I listening to at the moment? You know you want to know.

First though, for everyone who found themselves staggering under the weight of all that relentless misery last week... This Is A Happy Song by Superman Revenge Squad.



I always found Guillemots a rather frustrating band. They lured me in with classic indie pop singles like Made Up Love Song #43 and Annie, Let's Not Wait then bored my pants off with half-arsed albums full of much beard scratching and muso-noodling. I always felt songwriter Fyfe Dangerfield had great potential... and he's taken a step closer to realising that on his new solo album Fly Yellow Moon.

Earlier this year Fyfe scored an actual Top Ten hit, albeit with a cover of Billy Joel's old cheesefest She's Always A Woman, as featured in some TV ad or other. That's been stapled onto subsequent reissues of the album, but there are far stronger songs here (and songs which fit Fyfe's delicate voice much better - rather than straining to hit some of Billy's notes). When You Walk In The Room, She Needs Me, and this... all good stuff.



Earlier this year, former Delgado Emma Pollock released her second solo album, The Law Of Large Numbers. I remember commenting that certain songs on her previous record (Watch The Fireworks - my 9th favourite album of 2007) reminded me of mid-period Elvis Costello. That's truer than ever here, many of these tracks could fit snugly onto Mighty Like A Rose or Spike... though Emma's got a much sweeter voice (no offence, Declan).



Eddie Argos is back again! Not with Art Brut, not with The Glam Chops, not even with Everybody Was In The French Resistance... Now, but with yet another side-project, this one aimed squarely at comics fans... Spoiler Alert! Eddie is a particular fan of DC's old JLI comic book - i.e. The Justice League when they were funny (and worth reading), and the first Spoiler Alert! EP features songs about Booster Gold, Blue Beetle and Batman. Available to download for peanuts (you choose how many peanuts) right here.

I used to have this theory that The Divine Comedy got better with each album, in inverse proportion to how many people were buying their records. Much as I still love Neil Hannon, he's tried his best to disprove that theory with Bang Goes The Knighthood. It's a fine record, featuring many good songs, but doesn't quite scale the heights of Victory For The Comic Muse or Absent Friends. It does however feature the first decent song I've heard about the financial crisis...



A recent Radio 2 documentary on Laurel Canyon in the 60s stirred my interest in loads of old hippy songwriters, including Jackson Browne, Joni Mitchell and Crosby, Stills & Nash. Though I'm more familiar with the work of their occasional fourth member Mr. Young, I've been enjoying their mellow greatest hits collection. And boy do I know where Fleet Foxes nicked all their tricks now.



Dresden Doll Amanda Palmer has released an EP of old Radiohead songs played on her magical ukulele. There's a real ukulele resurgence going on at the moment - Louise just bought one, then there's the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain... even Dan's getting in on the act. Radiohead on the ukulele really shouldn't work... and yet, it does. Creep in particular is a work of twisted genius. Download the EP from Amanda's website, Amanda Fucking Palmer dot net.



New Jersey's favourite Bruce-influenced band The Gaslight Anthem are also back with a new record American Slang, and while it's not quite as barnstorming as The '59 Sound it does make me want to go tripping down the boardwalk then sleep on the beach at midnight. They still sound like a tribute band though. A more interesting bunch of Springsteen groupies are Titus Andronicus whose debut The Monitor roars out of Jersey louder and punkier than anything you'll ever hear on E Street. I'm still undecided on whether this is a good thing or not, but they certainly nail their colours to the mast with this song, paying debts not only to the Boss, but to Billy Bragg as well...

"No I never wanted to change the world, but I'm looking for a new New Jersey...
'Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to die."

Finally, an oldie but... well, an oldie. When I was 14, I thought Dire Straits were pretty cool. Then, like much of the rest of the world, I decided categorically they weren't. Now... many, many years later... I might actually be coming round to cool again. Yes, Mark Knopfler looks like your dad's stupid mate with the Ford Capri, but this is a great song whatever...

The Universe Hates Me

We all have those moments (or, at least, I presume it's not just me) when it seems like some higher power is mocking us. God, Fate, Mephisto, Loki, Mxyplyzyk, Tyler Durden, The Impossible Man, Grant Morrison, the rabbit from Donnie Darko... I dunno, whichever of those dudes you believe in. Those moments when the twisted writer in charge of our lives sticks a knife in our joy balloons and 'pop'. Those moments when you shake your fist at the sky and scream, 'WHYYYYYYYY?'

Yesterday had one such moment. I was in a bad mood anyway, largely due to work-related shenanigans, so I really wasn't up for being the butt of a cosmic joke in my lunch hour. Like I had any choice.

Every Monday I go to the Evil Supermarket That Needs No Further Publicity to pick up a few bits for my lunch. Apples, bananas, the one flavour of Ocean Spray (Cranberry & Blueberry) they don't sell online (obviously the type I want). Mostly good healthy fair. On my way to the checkouts I always glance down the snacks aisle where the temptation of Marmite Cashew Nuts waves at me from its over-priced shelf. Much as I love this particular delicacy, £1.63 always seems too much to spend, so normally I sigh ruefully and carry on about my business. No Marmite Cashew Nuts for me this week. Maybe when they have them on special offer...

Cut to this weekend. An unpleasant sight greets me in the bathroom mirror as I step out of the shower. I quote Harry Chapin: "I've got a tyre around my gut from sitting on my butt". The back problems (yes, still ongoing) are preventing me exercising as much as I might. I need to lose some weight. Right then - strict regime. Watch my diet for the next few weeks. While I can still fit in the bathroom door.

And so to Monday. The Supermarket. A bad mood already. The long walk to the checkout. A glance down the snacks aisle... Marmite Cashew Nuts - HALF PRICE! Oh, man, too good to pass up. My sweaty little hand reaches up to grab a packet from the shelf. And then I remember... cashew nuts: high fat content. OK, it's "good" fat (a concept which was surely invented by nut farmers)... but it's still fat. I can hardly break my diet on the first day, can I? But why do they have to be half price this week? Why? Why? Whyyyyy?

As flies to wanton boys are we to th' gods,
They kill us for their sport.

In that awful moment, I seriously feel like crying at the unfairness of it all.

Tell me about your last The Universe Hates Me moment. Go on, I need cheering up.

National Get A Decent Artist Into The Charts Day

My favourite British female singer songwriter is, and has been for a good many years now, Thea Gilmore. She writes smart, incisive lyrics and sings like an angel. She's something of a critical darling, the music press all seem aware of her greatness, yet sadly this has yet to be communicated to the great unwashed. Largely this is because Thea isn't on a major label - and doesn't want to be on a major label. She prefers the creative freedom of being an independent, even though this means she often struggles to get her music played on the radio. Every now and then though the radio takes notice - as it has of her new single, cunningly titled You're The Radio. (A hint to all songwriters - radio is an entirely onanistic industry. It loves to play records about itself.)

So You're The Radio has been A-listed by the UK's biggest national radio station, Radio 2. Having cracked that, Thea's set her sights firmly on the Top 40. But she needs our help. The single is out now and can be downloaded from Amazon for a very modest 79p. So take a listen to the video below, and if you like what you hear... give Thea your support. It's about time we had something worth listening to in the charts again... god, I sound old.

The Cattle Raid Of Cooley - Duel!

Patrick Brown's wonderful translation of ancient Irish legends returns, and chapter 3 focusses on an exciting and amusing duel between teenage border guard Cú Chulainn and his chosen challenger from the invading army of Connacht. It's a beautifully rendered action sequence that proves why Patrick's decision to retell these old stories in comic book form was such an excellent idea.

Also in this issue, the secret origin of Cú Chulainn and a gripping game of fidchell. Now you know that's got you intrigued! Start reading The Cattle Raid Of Cooley online over at Patrick's website, where you can also order the first three issues, and the prequel book, Ness.

Friday Flash - He's Just A Lickle Kid

After taking time out to write a new play (There's More Where That Came From), a few short stories for competition entry and a couple of new strips for PJANG, I've gone back to my latest novel, which is cheerfully titled I Wish, Wish, Wish You Were Dead, Dead, Dead. It's a love story. I'm about three quarters of the way through, but it's a long, soul-destroying process full of dread, self-doubt and disillusionment ("it's all SHIT!"), and apart from my weekly Thoughtballoons script I've not got anything else to keep the evil thoughts at bay.

So I thought I'd try my hand at some Flash Fiction. My old mate Dan Powell is always banging on about #fridayflash, a meme wherein writers post a short story of 1000 words or less on a Friday then promote the hell out of it via Twitter and sundry other locales on what Vicus calls the electric interweb. So I set myself a challenge - and challenge it is, because word limits are always a problem - to start writing my own #fridayflash stories, the first of which can be read below. I'm worried that in doing so I might have channelled my inner fascist, middle-class, Daily Mail reading, scumbag Hyde-self... but I prefer to think there's more going on in this story than just reactionary zeal. See what you think...






He's Just A Lickle Kid

In the summer of 1949, a farmer by the name of Hedgemoor caught seven year old Tommy Marshall running through his fields, stamping and trampling his crop to the ground. Hedgemoor grabbed Tommy by the wrist, lifted him up so his feet were swinging over the broken corn, then whipped him to within an inch of his life with a riding crop he wore clipped to his belt.

When Tommy returned home for tea his mother asked him why he’d been crying. He told her the full story, because he knew never to lie to his mum, then took a second beating for his trouble with a carpet slipper. He never trampled corn again, but he carried a lingering resentment against all farmers for the rest of his days.



In the autumn of 1977, 35 year old Thomas Marshall caught a kid from his local estate, Carl Shutterman, pulling the petals off the prize roses in his garden. He chased the little bastard with a garden hoe, screaming how he’d report him to the police for vandalism and destruction of private property. Carl escaped, but not without running through a patch of nettles that left him itching painfully.

“So how did this happen then?” his mum asked when he got home, and though Carl tried his best to tell the story without getting into trouble, she soon wheedled the truth out of him. “Sounds like it serves you right, young man. You should count yourself lucky you got away with just a few nettle stings – now go to your room and think on. No TV for you tonight.”



In the winter of 2009, Carl Shutterman, now in his 42nd year, was walking home from work in the snow. He stopped to admire a snowman in a neighbour’s garden - a carrot for its nose, pebbles for a smile and cool dude sunglasses. That’s when a hard-packed iceball hit him straight in the eye. Blinking, holding a palm to his swollen face, Carl spotted the culprit, Danny Harris, a kid he recognised from three doors down, laughing on the corner. “You little fucker,” Carl screamed, “when I get my hands on you, I’ll rip your fucking head off and shit down your neck!” Danny ran away, ha-has echoing between the frozen terraces.

That night, Carl opened his front door to a furious Michael and Fiona Harris. They told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever threatened their son again, or came anywhere near the boy, they’d report Carl to the police, the social services, and the Child Offenders’ Registry. When Carl explained that he wasn’t the sort of man to ever hurt a child, but that he felt perfectly within his rights to at least give Danny a blasting, considering the black eye he was now sporting, Fiona Harris told Carl to grow up. “He’s just a lickle kid – didn’t you ever do nothing wrong when you were a lickle kid?”



In the spring of 2050, Danny Harris, 49 and not long out of prison for GBH and assaulting a policewoman with a Becks bottle, was attacked on his way home from an appointment with his parole officer. Eight year old Ewan Turner tripped him up then set about beating him repeatedly on the back of his head with a golf club he’d stolen from his great uncle Eddie. When Danny finally managed to wrestle the weapon away from the boy, a passing pensioner who’d only seen the tail end of the altercation pulled over to the side of the road and shot Danny with a 5000 volt taser. “You all right, lad?” 83 year old Carl Shutterman asked the boy. “Did he hurt you?”

“Fuck you, grampa,” said Ewan Turner, knocking the taser out of Carl’s liver-spotted hand and making off with it down the road. When he finally arrived home after midnight, Ewan’s parents didn’t ask where he’d been. They were too busy playing Hostile-WOW-3D and acting out cyber-rape fantasies with a 16 year-old in Brazil. Not yet ready for bed, Ewan went into the kitchen and started testing his new toy out on the dog.

To Kill A Mockingbird

This year marks the fiftieth anniversary of the original publication of To Kill A Mockingbird, so it seemed a good time to pull the book down off the shelf and give it another read.

What can I write about Mockingbird that hasn't already been said? Very little. It is a timeless classic, and rightfully so. Its theme of racial integration in the deep south of America is one we've seen time and time again in popular fiction over recent years, yet it must have been groundbreaking in 1960. Its secondary theme, of growing up and the loss of innocence, is another common to many classic novels, yet despite the fact that Mockingbird's narrator is a pre-teenage girl, Harper Lee never shies away from the unpleasant realities of the adult world.

The courtroom scenes are as gripping as any John Grisham thriller, yet in Atticus Finch, Lee gives us a hero more fascinating and troubled than any other crusading legal eagle you might care to name. He's an old widower with young children and a snobby sister; a crack shot with a firearm who doesn't like guns; a quiet, studious man but a cunning judge of character. He's honourable and lives his life to the letter of the law, yet is ultimately persuaded that there are times when the law needs bending to protect the vulnerable. For anyone who's seen the movie, it's impossible not to think of Gregory Peck's pitch perfect performance.

Beyond the central storyline are some powerfully affecting subplots, notably the tale of crotchety old Mrs. Dubose, one of Atticus's sternest critics, a proud lady who wins her final battle with dignity. And then, of course, there's the unsung hero of To Kill A Mockingbird, Boo Radley. Well - unsung until the early 90's, anyway...



Harper Lee never published another novel. As she's refused all requests at interview for the last few decades, we may never know why. It's possible she just doesn't feel she can ever top her first book. If you're only going to have one novel to your name, you could do much worse than this one.

Top Ten Misery Songs

In a change to the expected programme, we take a break from Top Tens about popular beverages, and take a request from the floor instead. Kelvin didn't actually ask for a Top Ten Misery Songs... but he's getting it anyway.


10. Graham Coxon - Bittersweet Bundle Of Misery ( From Happiness in Magazines)

Kelvin thinks this sounds suspiciously similar GC's solo Blur outing Coffee & TV. I'm not sure I agree. You?

9. The Beatles - Misery ( From Please Please Me)

Yes, yes, I know, it's the friggin' Beatles. But always better a miserable Beatles than some happy-happy joy-joy grinning-Macca Beatles.

This was the first Lennon & McCartney composition to be covered by another artist. Originally written for Helen Shapiro, but she rejected it, the honour of being the first ever Beatles cover star actually went to comedian and singer Kenny Lynch. Yep, this guy...

8. Pink & Steven Tyler - Misery ( From M!ssundaztood)

Pink and Steven Tyler... now that's what I call scary.

7. Frightened Rabbit - Not Miserable

I will always remember the night that I almost drowned
All alone in a house

And the love that I lost
With all of the shit that came out in the wash
Just a pocket of fluff

And I'm not put upon
I'm free from disease, no grays, no liver spots
Most of the misery's gone
Gone, gone to the bone

No, lads, not miserable at all.

Taken from the album Winter of Mixed Drinks- which might be my album title of the year - even if the record itself isn't a patch on their last one.

6. Green Day - Misery ( From Warning)

Green Day write their own version of Walk On The Wild Side... the rest is misery.

5. The Pet Shop Boys - Miserablism ( From
Alternative)

Just for the sake of it
make sure you're always frowning
(Angst! Angst! Angst!)
It shows the world
that you've got substance and depth

Thank you, Neil, you made me feel good about myself... for a flickering millisecond. Was it worth it?

4. Half Man Half Biscuit - Reasons To Be Miserable (Part 10) ( From Back in the Dhss)

A fairly attractive girl walks past a building site and from underneath an industrial safety helmet you hear (wolf whistle) and you stand there witnessing the whole Neanderthal situation, wanting to twist your own brain out as they sit satisfied on their newly-built wall, laughing their hods off...

Reasons to be miserable
Another good excuse to be dead
It’s one more thing to gripe about
As I while away my days in bed

3. Brendan Benson - Misery ( From My Old, Familiar Friend)

Brendan Benson sounds more like mid-period Elvis Costello with every new record. If you're going to sound like anyone, that's a good place to start.

2. Tom Waits - Misery Is The River Of The World ( From Blood Money)

On which Tom plays calliope - or steam-powered organ. Forget guitars, we need more calliopes them in pop.

1. The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now ( From Hatful of Hollow)

Come on, you all knew where this was going... it was this or Miserable Lie. No contest really.

The song most often mocked by non-Smith fans (i.e. me, circa 1985) who claim the band are miserablists... and just don't get the irony.

Apparently this is one of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's 500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll. Which is pretty cool for all kinds of reasons.



So... what's your favourite misery music?

Thoughtballoons - Scott Pilgrim

This week's Thoughtballoons character is our first to exist outside the Marvel or DC universes, the star of a new film by Shaun Of The Dead's Edgar Wright (not yet released in the UK so I can't give you my review - but the trailer looks ace), Scott Pilgrim. I've only read the first of Bryan Lee O'Malley's seven Scott Pilgrim books but it's a great concept, mixing slice-of-life indie bedsit angst with OTT comic book, Manga and video game action. As you probably know, the premise is that Scott meets a cool new girl who may be the answer to his dreams... but before they can live happily ever after he has to fight her 7 evil exes. It's the sort of book you hear about and think, "I can't believe nobody's ever done that before" - and such ideas are few and far between in the world of comics... or anywhere else for that matter.

For my own shot at Scott Pilgrim, I went with the obvious crossover (or should that be X-over?) gag. It's the sort of idea that made me think, "I can't believe nobody's ever done that either"... though I'm scared to scour the internet because knowing my luck somebody probably already has. Here it is. I make no apologies.

5-IN-1 MINI REVIEWS (PART-1)

LEAP YEAR (2010), TOOTH FAIRY (2010), LEGION (2010), WHEN IN ROME (2010), THE LOSERS (2010)

LEAP YEAR (2010)

MyRating: YY1/2

Director: Anand Tucker
Cast: Amy Adams, Matthew Goode, Adam Scott, John Lithgow
MPAA: Rated PG for sensuality and language
US Gross: US$ 25.9 Million
Worldwide Gross: US$ 31.7 Million

The lovely Amy Adams stars in this romantic comedy about a woman who decides to propose her boyfriend on Leap Day, an old Irish folklore tradition from the Fifth Century, where women can propose to men on every February 29th, which only happens once every four years. She decides to fly to Dublin to meet her boyfriend. However, due to bad weather, her plane is forced to land in Wales instead. Cannot find another connecting flight, and in order to catch her boyfriend in time, Adams decides to hire an unfriendly innkeeper, Matthew Goode, to drive her to Dublin. They embark a cross-country adventure together. However, many other incidents keep delaying their journey. And in that journey, they learn to know each other, in a way that they do not expect. But they still have to go to Dublin, and will she get there on time before the day of the 29th is over?

This was supposed to be one sweet rom-com, but the result was not that sweet. One main reason, there was not good enough chemistry between Amy Adams and Matthew Goode, as the two main leads. They just didn't seem to be a perfect match. The script was also very predictable, as we already knew what will happen to them at the end (isn't every rom-com predictable?). And some of the humors were dry and not so funny. The movie still attracted me though because of Adams, one of my favorite actresses nowadays. She was sweet, as usual. It was also nice to see the countryside of Ireland and take a sniff of fresh air with them in their cross-country adventure. (MJ)

TOOTH FAIRY (2010)

MyRating: YY1/2

Director: Michael Lembeck

Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Ashley Judd, Julie Andrews, Stephen Merchant, Seth MacFarlane
MPAA: Rated PG for mild language, some rude humor and sports action

US Gross: US$ 60.0 Million
Worldwide Gross: US$ 112.3 Million

Dwayne Johnson was ridiculous as a hockey player who is punished to become a tooth fairy for one week by Julie Andrews, the tooth fairy godmother, as a punishment for him banishing a kid's dreams, complete with his wings, magic wand and his laughable tutu outfit. Struggling at first, to do what the tooth fairies have to do, he finally finds peace and the meaning of his new role, as he discovers his own buried childhood dreams.

What was Johnson thinking when choosing this role? He seems prefering to choose the same 'safe' roles in mediocre family movies for some years now. He needs to be back on track as an action star, if he wants people to look at his career seriously, because that is what he does best. When other 'muscle' actors have done a movie called 'The Expendables', it is just not good for Johnson to get stuck in these kind of roles. Anyway, the story was enjoyable though. It was funny and has its touching moments. Quite a satisfactory and entertaining family movie. And kids will definitely love this. (MJ)

LEGION (2010)

MyRating: YYY

Director: Scott Charles Stewart
Cast: Paul Bettany, Dennis Quaid, Lucas Black, Tyrese Gibson, Adrianne Palicki, Willa Holland, Kevin Durand, Charles S. Dutton
MPAA: Rated R for strong bloody violence, and language
US Gross: US$ 40.2 Million
Worldwide Gross: US$ 67.9 Million

The fights between the angels will never be this interesting. When God loses his faith towards mankind, he sends the Archangel Michael, played by Paul Bettany, and a legion of other angels to bring the Apocalypse to Earth and destroy the human race. Feeling pity with the humans, Michael disobeys the order and decides to help the mankind. But the other angels still have to execute the order from their master, and their pursuit somehow aim to one diner in the middle of nowhere, where Dennis Quaid and a bunch of people are trapped inside. Being siege by the wrath of angels outside the building, the humans have to defend their lives and fight back, with the help of Michael. Soon, the diner becomes the bloody battleground between the angels and the humans.

I thought this movie was bad when seeing many critics banishing it. But after watching it, I found myself to like and enjoy it. It was a good movie, if not the best one. I liked the mystery and the thriller of the movie. The tension was also well made, as I felt as if I was in there with them, trapped in that diner. And it chilled me. As I love horror movies, I find it easy to like this movie, which has some horror parts in it. The fight between Michael and Gabriel, another Archangel, at the end of the movie may look a bit ridiculous, but one of the purpose of this movie was to make them fight at the end. The fight scene itself was quite interesting though. If you like fantasy thriller, with a little bit of horror, then just go try this one. It was not as bad as they said. (MJ)

WHEN IN ROME (2010)

MyRating: Y1/2

Director: Mark Steven Johnson
Cast: Kristen Bell, Josh Duhamel, Anjelica Huston, Danny DeVito, Will Arnett, John Heder, Dax Shepard
MPAA: Rated PG-13 for some suggestive content
US Gross: US$ 32.7 Million
Worldwide Gross: US$ 43.0 Million

Everything seemed to be wrong in this unfunny and 'trying too hard' romantic comedy about Kristen Bell, a young career woman, whose love life is sinking when her boyfriend left her. When she goes to Rome to attend her sister's wedding, she meets with another man, Josh Duhamel, the best man of the wedding, and quickly feels attracted to him. But after one unfortunate event when she picked up some coins from the 'Fountain of Love' while she was drunk, she suddenly finds herself being chased by four unknown men, plus Duhamel who seems to also begin attracted to her. The legend said that if you take a coin from the 'fountain', then the person who threw it in will fall in love with you. And the situation soon becomes out of control as all these guys force to get her love. Bell knows that she has to find a way to break the curse. But will it also destroy the love of the man, whom she just met and fallen in love with? Did she also have picked up his 'coin'?

This movie was a mess. The script was lame. The comedy was too force. Duhamel did not possess the charisma of a good lead actor in a rom-com. And most of the supporting actors, especially John Heder, were annoying in their roles. Even in a scene that was supposedly to be funny, when Bell has to break a vase in the wedding ceremony, it still could not provoke me to laugh. This movie was a bad vehicle for the beautiful Kristen Bell. (MJ)

THE LOSERS (2010)

MyRating: YY

Director: Sylvain White
Cast: Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Zoe Saldana, Chris Evans, Idris Elba, Columbus Short, Óscar Jaenada, Jason Patric
MPAA: Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense action and violence, a scene of sensuality and language
US Gross: US$ 23.6 Million
Worldwide Gross: US$ 29.0 Million

This is another movie that didn't work for me. It is about an elite U.S. Special Forces sent into a search and destroy mission in the Bolivian jungle, but find themselves being double crossed by someone powerful inside the organization. The group, led by Jeffrey Dean Morgan, is then presumed dead in the mission. But they don't want to accept the defeat and just disappear forever. And when they meet with Zoe Saldana, a beautiful agent with a hidden agenda of her own, they work together to bring down the enemy and his organization. This time, they come back with a vengeance.

Even though many people liked this movie, for me, it was boring. The story did not work for me. The jokes did not work for me. And the over-the-top actions didn't work for me either. I remember yawning in my tiredness while watching this movie, didn't feel entertained, and hoped it to end soon. However, as the two main leads, I have to say that Jeffrey Dean Morgan gave a good performance and possessed a good charisma as the leader, and Zoe Saldana also gave a convincing performance. Again in overall, it was the script that didn't work for my taste. (MJ)

MYMOVIE CRITIC - REVIEWING MOVIES FROM THE AUDIENCE'S STANDPOINT

THE LAST AIRBENDER (2010)

MyRating: YY1/2

Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Cast: Noah Ringer, Dev Patel, Nicola Peltz, Jackson Rathbone, Aasif Mandvi, Cliff Curtis, Shaun Toub, Seychelle Gabriel
MPAA: Rated PG for fantasy action violence

When Aang (Ringer) is being found, after 100 years of disappearance, by siblings from a Southern Water Tribe, Katara (Peltz) and Sokka (Rathbone), the world that is in chaos seems to finally find a hope. Aang is the Avatar, the last from Air Nomads, who is the only one that can keep the four element kingdoms (Water, Air, Earth and Fire) in harmony. As the Avatar, he also has the capability to use and "bend" all the four elements. So, when he disappeared, so was the peace, as the Fire Nation attacks and tries to conquer the other 3 kingdoms to gain domination of the world. Fire Lord Ozai (Curtis), the leader from the Fire Nation, also imprisons anyone who has elemental "bending" abilities. To restore the world peace, Aang, accompanied by Katara and Sokka, has to take a journey to the Northern Water Kingdom to master "Waterbending". But it will not become an easy task for them, as they have to face with the Fire Lord and his armies, lead by Commander Zhao (Mandvi). Not only that, they also have to face Prince Zuko (Patel), the exiled son of Lord Ozai, who has big ambition to catch Aang and dominate his abilities, in order to prove himself to his country that he has the quality to become a leader.

When I first heard that Avatar: The Last Airbender, the popular three seasons Nickelodeon animated TV series, will be adapted into live action movie by M. Night Shyamalan, I have a big doubt in my mind and already decided at once that the result will be a terrible movie. I somehow prejudged that his adaption will become a strange one, in a bad way. I loved The Sixth Sense, as it was a brilliant movie and one of my most favorite movies of all time. But since his first hit, Shyamalan's screenwriting and directing performance seemed to be gradually deteriorated, and ended up making a movie like Lady in the Water, one of the worst and pointless movies of all time. If I may draw a line, Shyamalan started excellence as a post-graduate student with The Sixth Sense, but somehow ended up miserably as a kindergarten pupil with Lady in the Water. Lady was just so bad and ridiculous, that made me losing almost all my trust towards Shyamalan as a good filmmaker. That was why I never bought the hype of The Last Airbender. It never really provoked my interest to see this movie. Of course I finally watched it though, just for the sake of writing the review, and to witness how bad it would be, as almost all the critics have trashed the movie. When I went to see it, I even have prepared to hate it and give a "BOO... (zero star)" rating. I have as well thought of some critical words to be written in my review towards this movie and Shyamalan. What this movie has to do was just to prove that it was actually that super-bad and unwatchable at all.

So, how bad was it? I hate when I have to come into this point. Yes, this movie was not a 'good' movie, if we compare it with other great fantasy movies. But it was not that bad either. Indeed, it was not as bad as I thought and expected it to be. It has the entertaining values as a movie, which I still could enjoy, surprisingly! At least, I was not feeling sleepy or totally boring while watching it, as many times I did when I really hated watching a movie.

I never watched the Avatar TV series or read its comic books. That was why the racial issue in selecting the casts by Shyamalan was not becoming a big issue for me while watching it (the casts should have been Asian people as per the original story, instead of mostly Caucasian in the movie). That was also why I didn't have any expectations on how the movie should be or tried to compare it with the original series, since I came into the theater with a very low expectation. However, I will tell you though, the weaknesses of this movie. First, the story written and direction by Shyamalan was an average one, nothing really stand out as compare to a good fantasy movie. The climax of the movie also not very well done. Second, the actings were bad, especially Jackson Rathbone, who has such a wooden expression. His blank face made his character becoming an annoyance. Noah Ringer's acting as Aang was a bit robotic too, especially if people compare him to the original character of Aang, who indeed is funny. Third, the fighting scenes were also looked robotic, as if every move was choreographed in such a way that 'after you push forward, then I will fall behind' or 'before I attack, you should not defend'. This made the fighting scenes did not flow smoothly, not spontaneous, and looked rather clumsy. Shyamalan was just not very good in handling action sequences.

Now, the positive sides. The special effects, even though not great, somehow looked cool. It was quite fun to see how Aang, even some of the moves may look clumsy, used the air and water elements around him to fight the enemies and made them scattered and flied away. From the story point of view, it 'has' a story and it was watchable. I don't think this movie was really-really that bad, as many people said. Nor it was a terrible nightmare, as many people thought. And as a PG rating movie, most kids will surely like this. I didn't like it that much, but I didn't hate it either. For me, this is a mediocre-executed movie, that again, unplanned, I still could sit and enjoy it for the way it was.

The Last Airbender and Shyamalan may possibly get Razzie nominations next year just because of the hype of 'the worst movie of the year' that it has already gathered from the critics. It seems to be already stamped in the face. And for that, only fate will tell. (MJ)

30 Songs - Day 14

Day 14 - A Song No One Would Expect You To Love

As with the previous day's quest for my Guilty Pleasure song, I struggled to think of a song no one would expect me to love. Then I remembered a tune that's been kicking around in my head all week from Dan Le Sac and Scroobius Pip...



The duo first came to my notice with their hilarious and biting list-song Thou Shalt Always Kill, but though that track had its roots in rap and drum 'n' bass, its heart was all indie kid - hence its crossover success. Many of the other tracks on DLS Vs SP's debut album performed a similar balancing act, particularly Letter From God and Angles. However, the reviews suggested their follow-up record towed a much more dance-oriented line, so I had my doubts whether it'd appeal. But though there's nothing quite as strong as the three tracks mentioned above, there's much fun to be had with the rhymes and themes developed by natural storyteller Pip (plus he's got a great beard). I'll never be a fan of electronic beeps - I'd always prefer a guitar or piano ("proper instruments," says the fogey inside me) - but if the lyrics are good enough, I'll keep coming back for more.