We all have those moments (or, at least, I presume it's not just me) when it seems like some higher power is mocking us. God, Fate, Mephisto, Loki, Mxyplyzyk, Tyler Durden, The Impossible Man, Grant Morrison, the rabbit from Donnie Darko... I dunno, whichever of those dudes you believe in. Those moments when the twisted writer in charge of our lives sticks a knife in our joy balloons and 'pop'. Those moments when you shake your fist at the sky and scream, 'WHYYYYYYYY?'
Yesterday had one such moment. I was in a bad mood anyway, largely due to work-related shenanigans, so I really wasn't up for being the butt of a cosmic joke in my lunch hour. Like I had any choice.
Every Monday I go to the Evil Supermarket That Needs No Further Publicity to pick up a few bits for my lunch. Apples, bananas, the one flavour of Ocean Spray (Cranberry & Blueberry) they don't sell online (obviously the type I want). Mostly good healthy fair. On my way to the checkouts I always glance down the snacks aisle where the temptation of Marmite Cashew Nuts waves at me from its over-priced shelf. Much as I love this particular delicacy, £1.63 always seems too much to spend, so normally I sigh ruefully and carry on about my business. No Marmite Cashew Nuts for me this week. Maybe when they have them on special offer...
Cut to this weekend. An unpleasant sight greets me in the bathroom mirror as I step out of the shower. I quote Harry Chapin: "I've got a tyre around my gut from sitting on my butt". The back problems (yes, still ongoing) are preventing me exercising as much as I might. I need to lose some weight. Right then - strict regime. Watch my diet for the next few weeks. While I can still fit in the bathroom door.
And so to Monday. The Supermarket. A bad mood already. The long walk to the checkout. A glance down the snacks aisle... Marmite Cashew Nuts - HALF PRICE! Oh, man, too good to pass up. My sweaty little hand reaches up to grab a packet from the shelf. And then I remember... cashew nuts: high fat content. OK, it's "good" fat (a concept which was surely invented by nut farmers)... but it's still fat. I can hardly break my diet on the first day, can I? But why do they have to be half price this week? Why? Why? Whyyyyy?
As flies to wanton boys are we to th' gods,
They kill us for their sport.
In that awful moment, I seriously feel like crying at the unfairness of it all.
Tell me about your last The Universe Hates Me moment. Go on, I need cheering up.
