You know when you send somebody an email containing two questions and they only reply to the first? How annoying is that? Like they've lost interest after the first question. Fuckers. (It's OK, the individual in question is a friend. I'm sure he won't mind me calling him a fucker.)
My sister goes to the dentist. As she arrives, there's a couple in front of her heading from the waiting room to the surgery. "I know you're not looking forward to this," says the husband, "but try to be brave."
After a few minutes, terrible screams begin to issue from the surgery. These continue for the next hour while my sister waits for her own - now long-delayed - appointment. Just as she's about to explain to the receptionist that she can't wait any longer - she's late enough for work as it is - another man comes in for his appointment.
"The dentist is running behind today, you'll have a long wait," says the receptionist, with no hint of an apology.
"OK," says the man, "I'll just pop out and tell my wife so she doesn't wonder where I am. She's waiting in the car."
"LEAVE THIS RECEPTION," screams the receptionist, "AND YOU WILL LOSE YOUR APPOINTMENT!" ('Also your head and your bollocks', is understood.)
From the surgery, the screams continue.
Louise gets on the train. The carriage is crowded, but there's one free space next to a woman who's put her bag on the seat. Louise goes to ask the woman to move her bag so she can sit down.
"Sorry," says the woman, "I'm saving this seat for my husband. He stood back to allow the ladies to get on first."
Chivalrous enough to allow the ladies to get on first, but not enough to let them have his seat.
I have an argument in Morrisons. I go in to buy cat litter and make the mistake of trying to enter via the automated check-outs rather than the "official" entrance. The woman policing the automated check-outs makes me go back and walk all the way around, like my headmaster used to if I was running in the school corridor.
I fetch my cat litter and return to the automated check-out. On the screen it says: "To begin, touch the screen or scan your product."
I scan the product.
Nothing happens.
I scan it again.
The woman I had the earlier altercation with rushes over and with a huge sigh says, "you have to touch the screen to start!" ('Moron!' is understood.)
"But that's not what it says on the screen," I point out.
"You have to touch the screen to start," she repeats.
"But it says 'To begin, touch the screen OR scan your product.'"
"You have to touch the screen to start," she repeats, like the Computer Says zombie from Little Britain.
"That's not what it says."
"You have to touch the screen to start."
"'OR scan your product' - it says 'OR'!"
"You have to touch the screen to start."
This continues on a perpetual loop until civilization has crashed around us, ivy is growing through the floor, and the cat litter I'm holding has become fossilized charcoal.
It may still be going on. Sitting here typing this post might just be a dream.
