Top Ten Uptown / Downtown Songs

We'll get sexual next week. I promise. Meanwhile, for no reason other than I thought it'd make a cool playlist...

When I started compiling this top ten, I had the notion that 'uptown' and 'downtown' were more American concepts than British. Then I remembered that here in Yorkshire it's quite common to hear someone say "I'm going up town" or especially "I'm off down town". If someone not from Yorkshire were to attempt to write those phrases phonetically, they'd use that annoying t' abbreviation that nobody actually uses round these parts ("I'm off down t' town"). There is no t', we just miss out the definite article completely. There endeth today's Yorkshire grammar lesson... now on with the songs.

10. Dogs Must Be Carried - Way Downtown

DMBC were a comedy indie band from London who brought out an album packed with cleverly written and well-performed parodies of acts like Pulp, Morrissey, Van Morrison and this, their T-Rex moment. Sadly I can't find any of those on youtube, but if you click here, you can hear their hilarious Liam Lynch parody 'United Kingdom Of Whenever' (the X-Files lyric makes me smile every time). And their album is still available to download from that Amazon, should you be so inclined.

9. Primal Scream - Uptown

Primal Scream were a comedy indie band who brought out a series of cleverly written and well-performed parodies of The Rolling Stones (only joshing, lads!)... although this one sounds more like George Michael, actually.

8. The Blue Nile - The Downtown Lights

I've probably told this story before, but when does that ever stop me? About 15 or so years ago, I had a really bad bout of insomnia. I tried everything to help me fall asleep but nothing did the trick. Then I put The Blue Nile's album 'Hats' on the headphones... problem solved.

7. The Crystals - Uptown

Ah, Phil Spector, where are you now? Oh, wait, you're in the nick, serving time for crimes against hairpieces and working with Starsailor. Still, nobody who could make records like this could be all bad.

6. Petula Clark - Downtown

When you're alone and life is making you lonely
You can always go downtown

It's diabolical that my first thought on hearing the name Tony Hatch is "Crossroads theme tune" rather than "Downtown".

5. Billy Joel - Uptown Girl

Everyone knows that Billy Joel dedicated this song to his then-wife Christie Brinkley, yet wikipedia claims it was originally written about his previous girlfriend, Elle Macpherson. Billy Joel: the former boxer who looks like he took one too many roundhouses to the face before he became a pop star. Macpherson, then Brinkley. He must have a terrific... sense of humour.

I'm a huge Billy Joel fan, but this record has been tarnished by far too many wedding party discos. And the video is cheese on a log.

4. Lloyd Cole - Downtown

I want to see a touch of evil in your eye
But all that I'm getting babe is sweetness and lies
I want to see something that I might desire
I want to take you down babe into the mire
Deals going down no chance no masking
One thing's for sure never get what you're asking
They're coming with Johnsons, they're coming with knives
They're robbing your boots when they give you a shoe shine

Obviously a different area than the one Petula frequented. This'd be the part of town I'd break down in.

3. Randy Edelman - Uptown Uptempo Woman

Don't care what you say, I love this. He may look like the fired fourth member of Rod, Jane & Freddie, but dude can play piano... and has some stamina in the lovemaking department if his lyrics are even half-true.

2. Tom Waits - Downtown Train

There was a time when Tom Waits sounded like little more than a hoarse Springsteen. And nothing wrong with that. See also Downtown. It's obviously a part of town Tom knew well.

1. Althia & Donna - Uptown Top Ranking

Undoubtedly the coolest uptown or downtown record ever recorded, and the Black Box Recorder version ain't too shabby neither.

As an experiment, I've tried making this Top Ten available on spotify. Click here if you're into that stuff... and let me know if it works.



So... Uptown or Downtown. Where you headed tonight?

Book Review - The Good, The Bad and The Multiplex by Mark Kermode

"All you really need to know about The Oscars is that they're the awards that didn't give a Best Picture gong to Citizen Kane, but did give one to Driving Miss Daisy. Just think about that for a moment and try to imagine a world in which Driving Miss Daisy really was the best film you were going to see all year. Be honest. You'd throw yourself off a bridge, wouldn't you?"

As I said when I reviewed his last book, It's Only A Movie, I rarely disagree with Mark Kermode when it comes to cinema. Films, yes, occasionally we quibble over individual movies. Even then, I can usually see his point (even if I disagree). But when it comes to his thoughts on cinema itself, Mark Kermode is my soul brother.

I don't think critics should do the job of watching movies for you. I don't even think they should do the job of telling you which movies to watch. Or what you should think about them. No, I think critics should do the job of watching all the movies and then telling you what they think in a way which is honest, engaging, erudite and (if you're lucky) entertaining.

Beyond that, you're on your own.

His latest book tackles just What's Wrong With Modern Cinema. And I nodded my head so much, Louise thought I'd developed a twitch.

From major problems with the movie-going experience itself (the frustrations of online ticket buying, badly framed films and why popcorn is wrong) to the way Hollywood is screwing up and dumbing down the end product (like me, Kermode has a serious loathing of 3D - though he does point out that the Nazis were big fans) to the thorny question of "What are film critics for anyway?", this book is always entertaining, often hilarious and occasionally infuriating. I shared his frustration and pain - particularly when he was arguing with a pompous cinema "manager" who obviously had little interest in how films were projected onto the screen. Together, we mourned the death of the professional projectionist and looked back fondly on a world where ushers did more than just tear your ticket stub. And when he compares the modern cinema going experience to Westworld minus Yul Brynner... well, I had to shudder.

In the wake of Avatar's bum-numbing stereoscopic success, every half-witted Hollywood producer without an original thought in their coke-addled heads decided that 3D was a cash cow and all future products must be forced to conform to this glutinous economic paradigm forthwith. Never mind the fact that (James) Cameron had spent years gazing at his own navel trying to figure out how to make a game-changing movie in a medium which no one had liked for almost a century. Say what you like about Avatar (that it's infantile, overlong, shamelessly derivative, wildly patronising, and laughably lacking in humour from start to finish - which it is), at least its creator believed in the technological innovations apparently required to bring it to the screen. Never mind that the film looks a million times better in 2D (clearer, sharper, brighter) or that Pandora is a far more immersive world when not viewed through the alienating annoyance of polarised lenses that make everything seem dark, dingy and dismally diminutive. At least Cameron thought he was doing the right thing - like Tony Blair deciding to invade Iraq, only with less tragic results.

Countdown To 40: A Song A Year - Teenage Wasteland

So the countdown to March 19th continues (one in the eye for all those who believe we'll have to wait till December 21st for the 2012 apocalypse) and I'm back to picking one song for every year of my life so far.

These were my choices from 1972 - 1982... and now, on with the show.

11 (1983) Yes - Owner Of A Lonely Heart

What!? I hear you scream. You chose this over A New England or any of the songs on your favourite Costello album, Punch The Clock? I know, it's shocking, isn't it? I was never a huge Yes fan but this one album - this one song - soundtracked so many of my teenage memories. It's partly that killer riff, partly the sentiment (I was that Owner Of A Lonely Heart), partly John Anderson's angelic vocals... and yeah, partly the Trevor Horn sheen. It's not one man and his guitar singing an out of tune song about how all the girls in his school were already pushing prams: it's impossible to compare the two. But it'd be a few more years before I fell for Billy Bragg. When I was 11, this rocked my world.

Speaking of which, Number One in the charts on my 11th birthday? Another Jim Steinman classic. Turn the pomp up to 11 with Total Eclipse Of The Heart. Brilliant.

12 (1984) Bruce Springsteen - Glory Days

This is where it starts to get difficult. Do I pick a song that would mean more to me in later life, something from The Smiths or Rattlesnakes by Lloyd Cole? Or do I go with my gut and settle for the one album that screams 1984 louder than anything else in my head? Not the best Bruce album, but certainly the most iconic. And when you're 12 and only just finding your pop feet, that's all you want.

Meanwhile, if I'm feeling old, I just need to look at Bruce Springsteen in this video. God, he looks about 12 - and yet, he'd been making records for well over a decade by the time he finally made the big time.

At number one on my final pre-teen birthday? Lionel Richie, Hello. At least it wasn't I Just Called To Say I Love You.

13 (1985) Huey Lewis & The News - The Power Of Love

Oh god, when will he get past his American rock phase, you're wondering? Not just yet. Huey Lewis was another of my teenage heroes, helped along by Michael J. Fox and his DeLorean. Yes, this was the year of How Soon Is Now, and if I'd opened my ears properly I might have realised Morrissey had written that song just for me. But despite my teenage moodiness, I had an optimistic spirit and Back To The Future was my teen movie. Well, that and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Huey and the gang made three great albums prior to this one... and never came close again. Maybe that's what sent my tastebuds off in other musical directions?

It could be worse. The Number One that marked my ascent to teenagerdom? Easy Lover by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey.

14 (1986) The Smiths - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

Well, it couldn't really be anything else, could it? Even though I wouldn't properly appreciate this song for a good few years, it probably had a bigger impact on my life than any other record in my collection. It made me love The Smiths and forgive Morrissey anything. Back in '86, I was listening to far more Fore!, Graceland, Slippery When Wet and A Kind Of Magic. But The Queen Is Dead became my retrospective teenage anthem. It's hard to believe I didn't love it when it first came out.

By the way, if There Is A Light... hadn't been released in 1986, it wouldn't have been replaced by any of the records above. No, this year's runner up, and the song that most reminds me of teenage school discos, is Caravan Of Love by The Housemartins. Just in case you were wondering.

Number One as I turned 14? Chain Reaction by Diana Ross (with a little help from the Bee Gees.) Now that's what I call music.

15 (1987) Prince & Sheena Easton - U Got The Look

So many records say 1987 to me, yet it's hard to pick just one that stands out above the rest. Too much choice. My two favourite albums of the year are Tunnel Of Love and Strangeways, Here We Come yet neither produced a truly iconic single. I was tempted by Barcelona, Livin' On A Prayer or Sweet Child O' Mine, but while I don't rate Sign O' The Times the album as highly as many critics (though it's title track probably does say more about 1987 than most other songs released that year), this was the single that finally made me love the little purple freak.

My birthday Number One at 15? Everything I Own, a watered down cover version of an old reggae standard by a past-his-prime Boy George. Hardly one of the year's musical highlights.

16 (1988) Morrissey - Every Day Is Like Sunday

Damn it, I really wanted to give this one to Billy Bragg and Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards, but it doesn't quite compare to trudging slowly over wet sand back to the bench where your clothes were stolen. What does?

On the day I reached the age of consent (not that anyone would consent back for a good few years), the ironic Number One was I Should Be So Lucky by Kylie Minogue, a hideous slice of SAW-ed off landfill pop. And do you want to know something even worse? I actually bought the damn thing. I must have been desperate...

17 (1989) Del Amitri - Nothing Ever Happens

The late 80s were a dire time for music, though I still managed to find plenty to keep me going. As with the best of his songs, Justin Currie's debut hit combines apathy with misanthropy in a way few other artists could or would ever attempt. For 1989, it was this or I'll Sail This Ship Alone.

Meanwhile at Number One on March 19th, Madonna reached her artistic pinnacle with Like A Prayer. IMHO.

18 (1990) The Inspiral Carpets - This Is How It Feels To Be Lonely

This is how it feels to be 18. This, November Spawned A Monster and Birdhouse In Your Soul paint a curiously accurate picture of my last year of A Levels. Happy 18th!

Meanwhile, topping the charts on my birthday? Dub Be Good To Me by Beats International. I liked him in the Housemartins, I even dug Fatboy Slim, but this one wasn't a Norman conquest for me.

19 (1991) Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band - The Fire Inside

An unusual choice for the year that brought us Smells Like Teen Spirit and Losing My Religion, but this has long been one of my favourite songs. Elvis Costello almost stole the year with The Other Side Of Summer, but in the end Bob is Number One with a Bullet Band.

And on my 19th birthday? The Stonk by Hale & Pace. Bloody hell.

20 (1992) Bruce Springsteen - Human Touch

I went with my gut on this one. Neither of the two albums Bruce released in 1992 are among anybody's favourites. There were far better records released this year - including Automatic For The People, It's A Shame About Ray and Generation Terrorists. But this track carries a kind of crushed yet hopeful romanticism that's always made it stand out for me. I guess it reminds me of being 20 more than any of the above.

My 20th Number One birthday song was Stay by Shakespeare's Sister. Morrissey gets the last word in as usual.

Back next week with the run-up to my 30th.

Movie Review: Ghost Rider - Spirit of Vengeance

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

Like most sane moviegoers, I didn't have a great deal of time for the original Ghost Rider movie. OK, it was a stinker. So why, pray tell, did I plunk down my hard earned shekels (well, I.'s hard-earned shekels, since we went on Orange Wednesday and he took pity on my unemployed ass and gave me the GOF of his BO) on the second one? My defence goes thus...

1. I like Ghost Rider. He's one of those Marvel B-listers I've always had a soft spot for even though very few writers seem able to make him work. JM DeMatteis managed it back when I was a kid and Jason Aaron knocked it out of the park recently, but beyond that I can't think of too many other great Ghost Rider stories. The potential is there though, as I discovered while writing this week's Thoughtballoons script based on the character. There's so much can be done with this concept. Sadly, the writers of this movie (mostly David bloody Goyer, Hollywood's go-to guy for bad - and occasionally surprisingly good - superhero movies) preferred to run with a tepid combo of Hellboy, The Omen and The Fast & The Furious... and however exciting you might think that sounds: trust me, you're wrong.

2. I (used to) like Nicholas Cage. And every now and then he makes a film which shows a spark of the manic genius he displayed in Wild At Heart or Bad Lieutenant rather than just SHOUTING ALL THE TIME and ACTING REALLY BADLY. Sadly, this was not to be one of those films. Hey, Nick, if you love Ghost Rider as much as you say you do... why didn't you put some bloody effort in?

3. Idris Elba was in it. I like him a lot. He made the absolute most of an underwritten role and provided a couple of moments of blessed comic relief. Many more were needed. Meanwhile, Ciaran Hinds popped up as the devil. Another hugely talented actor... wasted.

4. The reviews told me this one was much better than the first. They lied.


On the other hand, I can't say the warning signs weren't there. I should have paid more attention to the following...


1. The directors, Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, are most famous for making dumb action movies starring Jason blinkin' Statham. Their style can best be described as "less accomplished Guy Ritchie". I hate Guy Ritchie.

2. It was only possible to watch this movie in 3D. Which is strange as Spirit of Vengeance featured the least gratuitous 3D effects of any pointlessly 3D film I've seen in recent times. In fact, other than the fact I was wearing those stupid glasses so (as usual) my eyes hurt and I couldn't focus on the whole of the screen... at no point was I aware of any 3D effects whatsoever. It was like watching a 2D movie with 3D glasses on. I'd rather have just watched it the way god intended.

3. There was a sequence in which Ghost Rider takes a leak and pisses fire. As if to suggest this might be the highlight of the movie, they even included it in the trailer. It was desperate, humourless and lacking in imagination. Actually, that was pretty representative of the movie as a whole. I take that back: it belonged in the trailer. It should have been the whole trailer. 30 seconds of Ghost Rider weeing. That would have been apt.

Top Ten Sexy Songs

If you were here a couple of weeks back when I did sex, you'll understand the rules. This time it's ten great songs with 'sexy' in the title. In tribute to the second issue of Too Much Sex & Violence, out now...

10. The Beatles - Sexy Sadie

The original title was 'Maharishi', written by John after the Beatles' India experience. I don't mind including the occasional Beatles track in these lists, but I like to get them out of the way early on because they hardly need my help to sell any more records.

9. Dr. Hook - Sexy Eyes

Of course, if you're a huge Beatles fan you'll probably be horrified to see them one place below Dr. Hook, but them's the breaks. This song reminds me of that old Kenny Everett gag about "the woman in the bar who rolled her eyes at me... so I picked them up and rolled them back."

8. Art Brut - Sexy Sometimes

Eddie Argos wants to be Barry White... though he accepts his chances are slim.

I want to be played in the background,
While a couple drinks their wine.
That would be a triumph, with a voice like mine.

7. Corinne Bailey Rae - Sexyback

Yes, it's the Justin Timberlake song.

Yes, it's the version it's OK to like.

6. Little Man Tate - Sexy In Latin

A bittersweet tale of young love from Sheffield's dear departed.

5. Hot Chocolate - You Sexy Thing

Love the Starsky & Hutch guitar on this. It's worth tracking down Cud's version too, if you can get your ears on it.

4. Flight of the Conchords - We're Both In Love With A Sexy Lady

Bret, she was looking at me
No, she was looking at me
Bret, she was looking at me,
She had her eye on my knee
Dog, I'm sorry, she had her eye on my guns
Are you loco? She was checking out my buns
No, bro, she had an eye on me
She had an eye on me
Well, how could she have an eye on both of us?
Wait a minute, you talking about the girl with a lazy eye?
I think she might have had a slightly lazy eye

We're both in love with a sexy lady
With an eye that's lazy
The girl that's fly with a wonky eye
She's smokin' with an eye that's broken
I think it's hot
The way she looks left a lot
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

The word 'genius' cannot be used enough when talking about Flight of the Conchords.

3. Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy

For everyone who complained about the lack of Salt 'n' Pepa on the sex countdown: here, I hope you're happy now.

My actual real number 3 is...

Lily Rae & The Saturday Girls - Oh! To Be Young & Sexy

...but I couldn't find that on youtube. Still, it's as worthy of your attention as anything else here today.

2. Rod Stewart - Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?

Because...

Steady now, ladies.

1. Prince - Sexy M.F.

It's hard enough trying to search for the word 'sexy' on youtube, try searching for the full title. Then try finding a version Prince's record company haven't objected to being there in the first place. All that said, it's worth the effort for a song that was (understandably) edited to death for radio play.

See also Lovesexy, somewhat less obscene yet still impossible to find on youtube for the reasons outlined above.



So - what sexy song gets you in the mood?

Book Review: Dark Matter by Michelle Paver

In pre-WWII London, Jack Miller, a penniless young office clerk is offered the chance of a lifetime - to join a scientific expedition to Gruhuken on the Norwegian island of Spitsbergen in the Arctic Circle. But circumstances conspire to leave Jack alone and stranded at this remote, frozen camp... alone among the living, anyway.

The first adult novel by former children's author Michelle Paver, Dark Matter is an atmospheric and chilling (in both senses of the word) ghost story. It reminded me of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and Albert Sanchez Pinol's Cold Skin. The Shining and The Thing also, of course. Paver has spent a lot of time in the Arctic and creates a wonderful sense of place: of lonely isolation and stark beauty. Although certain classic ghost story conventions are unavoidable (the taciturn ship's Captain who warns the expedition against making camp in Gruhuken, but won't say why), the characters are believably flawed and the slow-burn creepiness draws you in. This isn't a horror story of big shocks, though there are some memorably scary images and a gripping portrayal of Jack's sanity gradually unravelling as Dark Matter moves towards its climax. Plus there are cute huskies: always a bonus.

Countdown To 40: A Song A Year - The First 10 Years...

So, March 19th 2012. That's the date. The date my life finally begins. I can hardly wait. Maybe Marvel will call me up and ask me to write Spider-Man, Morrissey and Bruce will pop round for a coffee and Kate Winslet will pop round for... unlikely, really, what with Louise's shotgun and everything.

Or perhaps it'll just be another day like all the rest.

To mark the countdown to this momentous milestone, I thought I'd look back on my life so far through the medium of song. Some time ago, I ran a feature here called My Life In Music in which I chose a favourite album for every year I'd been on this earth. This will be sort of like that, except this time it'll be just a single song. It won't necessarily be my favourite song from each particular year... but one that's meant more to me throughout my life than most others released that year.

0 (1972) Harry Nilsson - Without You

The record that was at Number One as I came squealing out into the world on that grey Sunday lunchtime. Although this was Harry Nilsson's biggest hit, he's made far better records and this one was both overplayed and then tragically eviscerated by Mariah Carey. I've always been a huge Nilsson fan though, so I'm happy to settle on this as my original birthday tune.

1 (1973) Billy Joel - Piano Man

As I turned one, the record at the top of the charts was Cum On Feel The Noize by Slade. A fine tune, even if I always had issues with Noddy's spelling. But the autobiographical Piano Man was Billy Joel's first big hit and one of the records that first attracted me to his songwriting as a teenager. Yes, I was that cool.

2 (1974) Harry Chapin - W.O.L.D.

Another great singer-songwriter of the 70s, Harry Chapin never matched the level of fame achieved by Joel or even Nilsson, but his excellent story songs always manage to bring a smile to my face or tear to my eye. W.O.L.D. is probably his best known track, the story of a has-been DJ... I'd meet plenty of those once I started working in radio.

Number One as I turned 2? Billy, Don't Be A Hero by Paper Lace. I can live with that, given that my first name is William, though I always preferred The Night Chicago Died.

3 (1975) Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road

Could this be the hardest choice I'll have to make on this countdown? In any other year, the winner would have been Bohemian Rhapsody. Hands down. Queen were my first big band as a kid and Bo Rap just blew me away. And then a few years later, I discovered Bruce. Born To Run and this. Two songs from my favourite album of the 70s, a record that has meant more to me than just about any other in my life.

So you're scared and you're thinking that maybe we ain't that young anymore

Number One on my third birthday? Bye Bye Baby by The Bay City Rollers. Oh.

4 (1976) Queen - Somebody To Love

So I had to pass on Queen last year - hopefully this will make up for it. One of the most joyous songs about being a sad sack lonely bones I've ever heard. Thank you, Freddie, this one kept me going throughout my teens.

Cheesy disco at #1 as I turned four: I Love To Love by Tina Charles. I wouldn't necessarily turn off the radio if that came on. You become more tolerant of old cheese as you become an old cheeser yourself.

5 (1977) Meat Loaf - Bat Out Of Hell

Ah, Jim Steinman, another hero of my teens. Nothing succeeds like excess. I don't care what you say, this record bleeds rock 'n' roll all over your carpet.

Number One on my 5th? Chanson D'Amour by Manhattan Transfer. A ratty-tatty-tat.

6 (1978) The Boomtown Rats - Rat Trap

As with Bat Out Of Hell, here's another song that owes more than a little debt to Born To Run. For about five minutes there, Bob Geldof was the Irish Springsteen. Then he lost his muse and went off to try and save the fookin' world.

I'm 6. If you're coming to my birthday party, you might hear today's Number One song playing from my sister's record collection. Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush. Fantastic.

7 (1979) Elvis Costello - Oliver's Army

Another of my early songwriting heroes - though like Bruce, Billy and Jim I didn't really discover him till I was a teenager. Costello gleefully admits he stole the jubilant piano chords in his biggest hit from Abba. That's the way to do it.

My 7 year itch birthday song? I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. Excellent.

8 (1980) Robert Palmer - Johnny & Mary

Because I might not have room to squeeze Batley's finest in to my countdown later in the decade, here's one of his finest moments. I was a huge Robert Palmer fan growing up - he left us far too soon.

Alternatively, I might gone with Hungry Heart, Geno or Ashes To Ashes... or perhaps even the Number One as I turned 8: Going Underground.

9 (1981) Queen & David Bowie - Under Pressure

The bassline not even Vanilla Ice could kill. And here's my confession: I almost gave this year to Making Your Mind Up by Bucks Fizz. Not because it's a record I've spent a lot of time with over the years, but at 9 years old I thought it was just about the coolest thing ever. And not just that bit when the girls tear off their skirts... although that might well have been the first time I showed an interest in such things.

Number One at 9? Jealous Guy by Roxy Music. Better than the Lennon version.

10 (1982) John Cougar Mellencamp - Jack & Diane

And yet another Man Who Would Be Bruce. I've always loved this track - I think it might be the combination of power riff followed by acoustic plink. That and the romantic Americana... though it was years before I understood what "sucking on chilli dogs outside the Tastee Freez" really meant. Oh, and the mid-song drum-breakdwn before JCM goes into his glorious gospel refrain. There's so much to love about Jack & Diane. No wonder it edged out Come On Eileen and the entire contents of Nebraska...

Oh yeah, life goes on
Long after the thrill of living is gone

As I hit double figures, the song at the top of the charts was The Lion Sleeps Tonight by Tight Fit. Which is a good point to pause as any... I'll be back soon with my terrible teens. And some songs from Manchester, I reckon...

I Am A Whinging Student (Hirst, 2012)

As part of my PGCE teacher training, I'm not just teaching... I'm also studying. For the most part, I find I'm enjoying being a student again. It's certainly better than the 9-5 drudge of office work that swallowed the last 20 years of my life. I like going to seminars. I enjoy class discussions and activities (though I can do without some of the "this is rubbish, why are we doing this, how is it relevant?" carping from my fellow students). I like getting feedback from my tutors. I just love the university atmosphere - it's a lot more relaxed than I remember. Then again, the campus in question is separate to the main uni and made up mostly of happily dull adult learners like me. Joy! I'm even enjoying getting involved with extra-curricular activities such as writing interviews for the university's marketing department and becoming class representative to give course feedback at the twice-yearly Student Panels. Nobody else wanted to do it, but I found it fascinating. Certainly more so than writing radio ads.

The only thing I don't like about being a student again is writing essays. It's not that actual essays themselves I have a problem with, it's the way the focus has shifted from the importance of content to the secondary matter (in my eyes, anyway) of referencing. When I did my original degree in the early 90s, you got an essay question, read a few books around the subject, wrote your findings up in your own words, threw in a few quotes, compiled a bibliography... and that was that. Nowadays every sentence, every idea, every bloody word has to be referenced to where you took it from, who else might have had that thought first or used those words in approximately the same order. Otherwise you're up on charges of plagiarism, your work gets referred, and you're made to stand before the Jedi Council to explain your actions before being excommunicated or burnt at the stake. And you know what's to blame for all this...?

The bloody internet, of course.

Way back in the day (yes, I'm a Soprano), when I wrote an essay, I went to the library, took out a few books (the same few books that everyone else was using) and got on with it. Nowadays I have instant access to thousands of books - not to mention all the journal articles and other students' essays that google will point you towards. But wait, there are also programmes which analyse your finished work and pick out key words and phrases to ascertain exactly where you stole every last thought... if you haven't bloody referenced it. Even if you have your own individual opinion on a subject, you better not voice it unless you can find someone else who's said it first. Sometimes I know exactly what I want to write for a specific section but I have to spend hours searching for an appropriate reference to either quote directly or paraphrase so that I can't be falsely accused of plagiarism. You wonder if stamping down on plagiarism might also be putting a stop to individual expression. We never had to worry about this before the bloody internet took over everything.

And don't even start me on which style of referencing I'm supposed to use. Oxford? No, Harvard. Ah, but which branch of Harvard...? Personally, I think I'll opt for the old Stan Lee footnote style. 'Nuff said, effendi!

Top Ten Valentine Songs

We'll get back to sexy next week... today though, we're going with soppy. Or not, as many of these songs look at the darker side of Valentine's Day. Which is good because I've never been a fan. If you're not in a relationship, it's just another kick in the ribs. If you are... well, not everything's roses, is it?

10. The Humms - No One Wants To Be Alone On Valentine's Day

Goes without saying really.

9. The Killers - The Ballad Of Michael Valentine

More tarnished Vegas romanticism from Brandon Flowers Pops.

8. The Very Sexuals - Anti-Valentine

Sounding like the Jesus & Mary Chain playing Unchained Melody in a Twin Peaks bar, this track is available to download free (along with the rest of their excellent album, Post-Apocalyptic Love) from the Very Sexuals website.

7. Richard Hawley - Valentine

About the only truly romantic song on this countdown, but that's OK because it's Richard Hawley and that's allowed.

6. The Auteurs - Lenny Valentino

In another life, Luke Haines was the south coast's answer to Martin Scorcese. Or Oliver Stone...

5. Tom Waits - Blue Valentines

Guilt and betrayal haunt every line of Tom Waits' apocalyptic love letter. Just devastating.

4. Bruce Springsteen - Valentine's Day

Nobody writes "driving to see my baby" songs like Bruce and this is one of his most atmospheric. Like much of the Tunnel Of Love album, it's dark and dramatic.

Is it the sound of the leaves
Left blown by the wayside
That's got me out here on this spooky old highway tonight?
Is it the cry of the river
With the moonlight shining through?
That ain't what scares me baby
What scares me is losing you

3. Frank Sinatra - My Funny Valentine

Or you might prefer the Elvis Costello version. Depends what kind of day I'm having.

2. Ruth - Valentine's Day

Stay out of my way on Valentine's Day!

Ah, Ruth... with tunes this good, you should have been massive.

1. Billy Bragg - Valentine's Day Is Over

One of Billy's best. Damn, these lyrics take some beating...

Thank you for the things you bought me, thank you for the card
Thank you for the things you taught me when you hit me hard
That love between two people must be based on understanding
Until that's true you'll find your things
All stacked out on the landing, surprise, surprise
Valentine's Day is over

But which song were you hoping for in the post this morning?

Book Review: I, Patridge by Alan Partridge

There were sections of Alan Patridge's autobiography (ghost-written by Rob & Neil Gibbons, Steve Coogan and Armanda Iannucci) which I found heartbreakingly sad. The foreword, for example, is little more than a bland employer's reference which describes our hero as "honest and trustworthy... a relatively good ambassador for the station... with an average of 1.5 sick days taken per year of employment". The joke, of course, is that for all Alan's supposed celebrity pals (Bill Oddie and Sue Cook among them), the best he can get anyone to write about the chronicle of his life is "I would have no hesitation in recommending him". That's funny, yes, but I also find it terribly pathetic (in all possible definitions of that word), and it's that pathos which makes the character of Alan Patridge more than just an egomaniac media monster. It makes him tragically real. Especially for someone who's worked in the awful industry of local radio where Alan has spent the majority of his career since he "shot a man through the heart with a gun" on the final episode of his ill-fated BBC TV chat show.

I, Partridge is a hilarious pastiche of the kind of woeful celebrity memoir that clogs the bestseller lists around Christmas, and like many such books it's most successful in the earlier chapters (revealing insight's into Alan's childhood) and the mid-section (the material already immortalised in Alan's various TV outings). The gags-per-page ratio drops towards the end as Alan's career slumps further into obscurity as mid-morning present on North Norfolk Digital (North Norfolk's Best Music Mix), but there are some very funny moments along the way and plenty of hideously overwitten prose. My favourite bit was the blackly comic role call of young Alan's first radio comrades, including...

Brian Golding. 'Bonkers' Bri combined a wacky sense of humour with a genuine mental illness and went on to co-host Drive Time on Signal Radio before killing himself in 1991.

There's something to Alan's pompous, self-important tone that makes me cringe for myself too. Reading his book comes a little too close to reading a really bad blog (say, for example, this one). He's even included his own playlist, to be enjoyed during specific chapters, featuring all the usual suspects (Midge Ure, Fleetwood Mac, Classix Nouveau, and, of course, Abba) having long since reached "a startling but unshakeable conclusion: no genuinely good music has been created since 1988". It almost me want to chuck in blogging and go find something less embarrassing to do with my time. Maybe we've all got a little bit of Alan in us...

Movie Review: Carnage

Should you be the sort of nihilist who believes that pleasant society is a "waffer thin" masquerade that threatens to crumble at any second... that all human relationships are built around insecurity and resentment rather than love and trust... and that everybody secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) hates everybody else... then Roman Polanski's adaptation of the blackly comic Carnage by French playwright Yasmina Reza is the movie for you. Go see it now: I insist.

The premise is simple: two sets of liberal New York parents gather to discuss a playground fight between their respective sons. Jodie Foster and John C. Reilly's boy, Ethan, has had two teeth knocked after being struck with a stick by Kate Winslet and Christoph Waltz's son, Zachary. What starts as a cordial get-together to discuss a minor childhood fracas soon descends into anarchy as the two parental pairs go to war - with each other and themselves. Tempers fray and allegiances switch (and switch again). It's couple vs. couple, spouse vs. spouse, husband vs. husband, wife vs. wife, every man and woman for him or herself... with whiskey, cigars, pear and apple cobbler, projectile vomiting and a "dead" hamster thrown in for fun.

Carnage is an actor's dream, and Polanski wisely steps aside and leaves the film to his thesps. Winslet and Foster compete in the uptight bitch category (until alcohol loosens their inhibitions) while the always excellent Christoph Waltz displays his prodigious talent for deadpan grimaces. But the real revelation here is Reilly, going from bumbling nice guy to bitter, misanthropic bigot in the space of an hour. Which only makes us love him more.

Should you believe people are inherently decent, you might want to leave that opinion at the door... or prepare to think again.

Top Ten Sex Songs

In honour of the new issue of Too Much Sex & Violence (get your copy here), here's ten great songs that directly mention S-E-X in the title. Of course, there are millions of songs about doing the wild thing that don't mention the S-E-X word... but if I started sorting through all those, we'd be here forever...

And no, I didn't count 'sexy' songs. Or 'sexual' songs. Those will be on separate lists. Pay attention at the back!

10. George Michael - I Want Your Sex

I can hear you sniggering and you can stop it right now. I still maintain that 'Faith' was a great pop album, but you probably had to be there. It was also one of the first albums I bought again on CD (when I finally got a CD player), though that was a few years later. It reminds me of the first time I took a girl out on a date. Picked her up in my dad's car and drove her home afterwards. She even invited me in for a coffee. Did I get any...?

Did I heck.

9. Beck - Sexx Laws

This is basically Beck trying to be Prince, as is the whole Midnight Vultures album. Which is pretty silly. There's only one Prince. Beck is better being Beck. Still, this was a catchy enough single. I'd never seen the video before - who knew Jack Black was in it?

8. Soft Cell - Sex Dwarf

"WARNING," says the youtube poster, "this is one of the most controversial music videos ever made because it contains lots of sexual stuff."

Hmm. Looks like a very bad Little Britain sketch to me. Still, it's Marc Almond at his most extreme, and that's always worth a listen.

7. The King Blues - Sex Education

He never had a little chat with his Dad
It weren't his Mum who enlightened this lad...

It's the evil internet where kids get their sex education these days. A timely, if depressing, assessment from The (ever-excellent) King Blues.

6. T'Pau - Sex Talk

And we're back to the 80s with (as I've confessed before) one of my earliest pop star sex idols. And she even sings about Spider-Man in this song... swoon!

5. The Vaccines - Post Break-Up Sex

The track that first brought this noisy bunch of ruffians to my attention last year. Because they put "sex" in the title, obviously.

4. Ian Dury & The Blockheads - Sex & Drugs & Rock 'n' Roll

It's all his brain and body needs...

3. The Divine Comedy - Generation Sex

Generation sex
Respects
The rights
Of girls
Who want to take their clothes off
As long as we can all watch that's okay
And generation sex
Elects
The type
Of guys
You wouldn't leave your kids with
And shouts "off with their heads" if they get laid
Lovers watch their backs
As hacks
In macs
Take snaps
Through telephoto lenses
Chase Mercedes Benzes through the night
A mourning nation weeps
And wails
But keeps
The sales
Of evil tabloids healthy
The poor protect the wealthy in this world

2. James Brown - Get Up (I Feel Like Being A Sex Machine)

The original Mr. Lover Man. Shabba, my arse.

1. Pulp - Sheffield: Sex City

Which brings us to one of the most shameless pervs in rock: our Jarv. This has long been one of my favourite Pulp songs, and not just because I recognise a lot of the places he mentions. It fair drips sleazy atmosphere, it does.

Oh the things we saw:
everyone on Park Hill came in unison at four-thirteen a.m.
and the whole block fell down.
The tobacconist caught fire,
and everyone in the street died of lung cancer.
We heard groans coming from the T-reg Chevette:
You bet, you bet, yeah you bet.

And that is why I wish Jarvis Cocker would find the time to write a novel.



So those were my sex songs. Remember, sexy and sexual get their own lists. But what does it for you, baby...?

More Great Comics You Should Buy Now

The second issue of Rob Jackson's "It's A Man's Life In The Ice Cream Business" is just as engrossing as the first, though I swear I'm confounded trying to explain why. It's more of the same action we enjoyed in part one as Rob and family continue to make their way round the farmers' markets of the North West selling home-made ice cream, sheep & goats' cheese, soup and even sorbet. Along the way there's drama as a miserable customer complains the vegetable soup is "all carrots", suspense as Rob wonders whether a heavy snowfall will stop him getting to Houghton Tower, and the threat of competition from rival cheese and ice cream stalls. There's music, grumbles, some inspiring recipes... and honesty. Real life honesty. With buckets of charm. I can't explain why I enjoy this book so much, I just do. Give it a try and see if you do too.

One of my all-time favourite small-press creators, Ralph Kidson, is back with another wonderfully observed mini comic. Graham The Lonely Snake is the heartbreaking (and I do not use that word lightly) story of a desert snake whose only friend is a rock called Steven Hughes. It may well be the most moving comic I've ever read, or I might just be getting soppy in my old age. The man who previously made me care about the adventures of an envelope and a stick has taken anthropomorphism to new levels with this tiny little comic. It made me laugh. It made me cry. It made me want to vote Ralph Kidson for PM. Our country needs him...

Book Review: Player One by Douglas Coupland

A typically self-aware bunch of Coupland characters find themselves stranded in the bar of an airport hotel while in the outside world the price of oil reaches $350 a barrel... and society implodes.

Rick is a reformed alcoholic about to give a large cheque to a self-improvement guru who's promised to change his life.

Karen has flown half way across America to meet her blind date, Warren, after they met in a Peak Oil Apocalypse chatroom.

Luke is a small town pastor who wishes someone would invent an 8th deadly sin to make his confessionals a little less monotonous.

And Rachel breeds white mice for laboratories and has multiple structural anomalies in her limbic system that render her emotionless, humourless and without any understanding of human nature... though she is drop dead gorgeous.

As with the best of Coupland's novels, Player One combines high concept thriller with sharp characterisation and trenchant sociological insight. And as with most Coupland novels, it has absolutely no idea how to end. There are loads of great ideas along the way though and it's frequently thought-provoking and hilarious.

Goddamn Internet ... his computer's spell-check always forces him to capitalize the word "Internet". Come on: World War II earned its capitalization. The internet just sucks human beings away from reality.

Movie Review: Haywire

Gina Carano kicks ass. The former pro martial arts stars and American Gladiator spends the majority of Steven Soderberg's tense action film Haywire knocking seven bells out of the likes of Channing Tatum, Ewan McGregor, Michael Fassbender (yep, him again) and assorted extras - and it's a pleasure to see. As Louise pointed out, it's good to see a woman beating up tough guys in a movie, especially as she looks so very capable. Forget Angelina Jolie and Zoe Saldana - Gina Carano is the real thing.

Some reviewers have carped that because of this, Carano's acting chops don't quite match up to her karate kicks. To that I say: bollocks. Admittedly, this is hardly a role to stretch an actor, and I doubt she'd be able to pull off costume drama (unless it was Pride And Prejudice And Zombies), but as action heroines go she's not only believable: she's likeable. And just as good at the flirty dress-up stuff as she is the smackdowns. She's a hell of a lot more sexy and charismatic than Scarlett and not half as Terminatrix-scary as Angelina. And if you were to line her up against Sly or Arnie or Jean-Claude, she'd win in every category.

Haywire's plot is a typically convoluted affair (typical of Soderberg rather than most action movies) that'll have you scratching your head if you stop to think. Thankfully, you're rarely given a second to do so. The supporting cast, which also includes Michael Douglas (who I can't take seriously since Alan Patridge described him as "a grey crow") and Antonio Banderas, is uniformly solid and nobody seems unhappy about playing second fiddle to a virtual unknown. The weak link for me was Channing Tatum, a young actor with a head so square he can't help but remind me of Mr. Strong. Louise assures me he's not without his appeal... and along with Fassbender and Banderas, she was adequately catered for, so I didn't feel too guilty about my admiration of Ms. Carano. Something for everyone then...

Top Ten In Between Songs

I'm in between a great many things at the moment. In between jobs. In between ages (hey, kids - Rol's life begins on March 19th... apparently!). In between... oh, I'm sure I'm in between some other stuff. Just go with it, will you? It's ten great songs, that's all you need to know.

10. Idlewild - The Space Between All Things

There's something about the lyrics to this particular Idlewild track that reminds me of Lloyd Cole. It's got that same sophisticated sadness.

All the walls of your house were painted in deep blue
You're at that indecisive age to choose colours that reflect you
And everything and nothing is in the space between all things

The best thing about Idlewild will always be their lead singer's name though. Roddie Woomble. Genius.

9. Rufus Wainwright - Between My Legs

Rufus gets all gynaecological. I can handle the notion that he's "wearing his heart between his legs" but I get the juvenile sniggers when he sings "And I shed a tear between my legs". What, like doing a wee?

8. Mary McGregor - Torn Between Two Lovers

Written by Peter of ...Paul & Mary fame, and inspired by Dr. Zhivago. You didn't know that, did you? You did? Smart arse.

I love this picture of Mary McGregor I found on wikipedia. It's so fresh-faced and 70s. She could be an Angel, Charlie.

7. The Melting Ice Caps - Between Eros & Agape

The Melting Ice Caps are ace. Which seems like a rather unecological thing to say. But the band are literate, sensitive, tuneful and witty. What else do you want from your lyricists? This track (along with a bunch of their other excellent singles) is available to download free from their website. Go do it now!

6. The Persuaders - A Thin Line Between Love & Hate

No, not Roger Moore and Tony Curtis.

"Four of the hottest young men in the business - and by 'hot', I mean they're really doing it, and doing it out of sight."

With an intro like that, how could you resist?

Great late night soul. And if Samuel L. Jackson ever formed a band...

The Pretenders did a pretty mean cover too.

5. The Hold Steady - Stuck Between Stations

She was a really cool kisser and she wasn't all that strict of a Christian
She was a damn good dancer but she wasn't all that great of a girlfriend
He likes the warm feeling but he's tired of all the dehydration
Most nights are crystal clear but tonight it's like he's stuck between stations

And that is why The Hold Steady rock my world.

Plus, the video looks like it was made by Tony Hart and Morph.

4. Donald Fagen - Walk Between The Raindrops

More great late night listening. Hey man, don't dis (one half of) The Dan.

3. Billy Bragg - Between The Wars

Watch Steve Wright try to pretend he understands Billy Bragg as he introduces this song on vintage TOTP. Then watch a 12 year old Billy sing his heart out. Was he ever that young? Were any of us...?

2. Sleeper - Inbetweener

In remembering Britpop, Sleeper often seem to slip through the cracks. Which is a shame, because Louise Wener wrote some nice, sub-Cocker lyrics and had the sexy popstar pout down well. I recently discovered their debut album had been re-issued as a 2-disc set with b-sides and live tracks thrown in. Well worth a re-appraisal.

1. The Cure - In Between Days

Yeah, like it could have been anything else.




Tip of the hat to The Go-Betweens... but which is your favourite in between song?