Movie Review: The Raid

All the critics loved Indonesian action movie The Raid. Listen to them bleat...

"Remember your first time with Hard Boiled? Die Hard? This is how it's done - a clean, hard, constant hit of adrenalin." (Empire)

"High octane excitement from start to finish." (5 Live)

"You have never seen anything this AWESOME." (Twitch Film.)

Even the normally reserved Peter Bradshaw at the Grauniad chimes in with...

"The Raid is completely deranged - and completely superb."

Blimey!

Now, I hate to be the voice of 'meh' in all this, but...

I just don't get it. It's a nice enough premise (and one that suits a city as lawless as Jakarta is painted - not sure how they'll explain the inevitable Hollywood remake): a tower block full of criminals in the worst part of town is targeted by a rogue SWAT team, and a shoot-em-up / kick-boxing bloodbath ensues. However... and this may just be me... but once you've seen 5 chop-sockey pummelings in a row, you start to feel a little... well, pummeled... yourself.

The comparison with the godfather of all action movies only goes so far as "they're both set in a tall building". What Die Hard had... and The Raid palpably doesn't... is a charismatic hero, a superbly arch pantomime baddy, good jokes (to break up the fight scenes) and heart-stopping tension. It's not a bad film, and Welsh director Gareth Evans gives it his all, but in the end there's little more to be found here than one fight scene after another after another after another after another. After another. If that's all you're looking for... then go join the critics.

Movie Review: Haywire

Gina Carano kicks ass. The former pro martial arts stars and American Gladiator spends the majority of Steven Soderberg's tense action film Haywire knocking seven bells out of the likes of Channing Tatum, Ewan McGregor, Michael Fassbender (yep, him again) and assorted extras - and it's a pleasure to see. As Louise pointed out, it's good to see a woman beating up tough guys in a movie, especially as she looks so very capable. Forget Angelina Jolie and Zoe Saldana - Gina Carano is the real thing.

Some reviewers have carped that because of this, Carano's acting chops don't quite match up to her karate kicks. To that I say: bollocks. Admittedly, this is hardly a role to stretch an actor, and I doubt she'd be able to pull off costume drama (unless it was Pride And Prejudice And Zombies), but as action heroines go she's not only believable: she's likeable. And just as good at the flirty dress-up stuff as she is the smackdowns. She's a hell of a lot more sexy and charismatic than Scarlett and not half as Terminatrix-scary as Angelina. And if you were to line her up against Sly or Arnie or Jean-Claude, she'd win in every category.

Haywire's plot is a typically convoluted affair (typical of Soderberg rather than most action movies) that'll have you scratching your head if you stop to think. Thankfully, you're rarely given a second to do so. The supporting cast, which also includes Michael Douglas (who I can't take seriously since Alan Patridge described him as "a grey crow") and Antonio Banderas, is uniformly solid and nobody seems unhappy about playing second fiddle to a virtual unknown. The weak link for me was Channing Tatum, a young actor with a head so square he can't help but remind me of Mr. Strong. Louise assures me he's not without his appeal... and along with Fassbender and Banderas, she was adequately catered for, so I didn't feel too guilty about my admiration of Ms. Carano. Something for everyone then...

The Expendables

I never thought I'd hear myself saying this about a film, or anything else for that matter, but what The Expendables really needed... no, what it really needed... was more Dolph Lundgren.

Now I'm hardly what you'd call a Dolph Lundgren fan. In fact, up till now, I think I've seen a grand total of two of his films - Rocky IV (which was bollocks) and the original 80s version of The Punisher (which was utter bollocks, though not quite as bollocks as last year's woeful Punisher War Zone). I don't consider Dolph a great actor. Hell, I don't even consider Dolph an actor. Yet unlike many of his aged action hero comrades in The Expendables, Dolph appeared to know exactly what he was doing. He was taking the piss. And if there'd been more of that, The Expendables would have been a much better film. Unfortunately, Slyvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke and (to a lesser extent) Jet Li appear to be taking this material far too seriously. And therein lies the tragedy.

Films like The Expendables can only really work (for me, at least) when they know they're rubbish. When they wedge their tongues firmly in their cheeks and glory in that very rubbish-ocity. Look at Willis. He's only there five minutes, but the smirk doesn't leave his face for a second. (Some believe the wind stuck when he was a particularly smug child and that's just his default expression. This Bruce-fan would never be so cruel.) Even Arnie, wooden as ever, knows he's here to take the piss. Stallone though - Stallone is serious. He's staked his career on this comeback, and he's desperately trying to make some kind of statement. Or rather, SUB KIBE OB STABEMEBNT. And Rourke? Oscar-worthy in The Wrestler, Raspberry-worthy here. That comeback didn't last very long, did it Mickey?

(The less said about Statham, as always, the better. I was disturbed to see him cosying up to Charisma Carpenter though - Cordelia's taste in men doesn't improve with age, does it?)

Don't get me wrong, The Expendables is not an unenjoyable way to spend an hour and a half if you grew up watching daft 80s action movies. There's enough OTT violence and dumb one-liners to satisfy anyone who ever claimed First Blood: Part II or Commando a classic. But we've all grown up a lot since then. Well, all but Sly Stallone. In Sly's world it's still 1985, Reagan's still in the White House, the video shop still rules home entertainment and dumb action movies may still have the PODENDIAL to CHAMGE BHE WORLB. "The Most Awesome Action Cast Ever Assembled"? Pity they couldn't have spared a few dollars for the script.