Top Ten Seaside Songs

Following my Return To Reighton Gap post, this seemed apt. You may be going on holiday soon. You may just have come back. Either way, here's ten seaside songs that might get you in the mood / jog your memories. I could easily have made this a Top 20 or 30 but I'm trying to reign myself in and stop boring your speedos off.

10. Led Zeppelin - Down By The Seaside

(From 'Physical Graffiti'.)

The sea air makes messrs. Page and Plant go all mellow. Nice.

9. Queen - Seaside Rendezvous

(From 'A Night At The Opera'.)

It has the opposite affect on Mr. Mercury, sending him quite, quite bonkers. Not that he has very far to travel.

8. The Kooks - Seaside

(From 'Inside In/Inside Out'.)

I like the way they've recorded the acoustic guitar on this track. It sounds like he's busking on the sea front. Without the seagulls stealing coins from his hat.

7. Kirsty MacColl - He's On The Beach

(From 'The Best of Kirsty MacColl'.)

Poor old Kirsty, she's doesn't have much luck with men. This bloke tells her he's going on holiday without her... next thing she knows she's getting a postcard from the seaside. Sydney, Australia.

And he says it's brilliant there
There's something in the air
There's sunshine everywhere
He's on the beach

Was it something she said?

6. Bruce Springsteen - 4th Of July, Asbury Park (Sandy)

(From 'Greetings From Asbury Park N.J.')

Being brought up in Asbury Park, Bruce had a lot of seaside stories to tell on his early records. This one brings a tear to my eye if I'm in the right mood (melancholic).

Every summer when the weather gets hot
They ride that road down from heaven
On their Harleys, they come and they go
And you can see 'em dressed like stars
In all them cheap little seashore bars
Parked making love with their babies
Out on the Kokomo

I've never been to Asbury Park, but for some reason I imagine it to be like the New Jersey equivalent of Blackpool.

5. Rialto - Summer's Over

(From 'Rialto'.)

A song that obviously owes an enormous debt to our number two record this week (no jumping ahead, kids, we'll get there soon enough). It's no worse off for that.

Kamikaze seagull planes fighting over chip shop take-away remains
When you're walking on the cliffs
You can't help thinking of how far down the sea is
And what if it should give...

Quite beautiful.

4. Squeeze - Pulling Mussels From A Shell

(From 'Greatest Hits'.)

I never really understood the innuendo of this song, but it's obviously a gloriously mucky tale of a holiday romance and what goes on behind the chalet. If anyone wants to explain just what Chris Difford and Glenn Tilbrook mean by "pulling mussels from a shell", you know where the comments box is.

On second thoughts...

3. The Drifters - Under The Boardwalk

(From 'The Very Best of the Drifters'.)

If this song doesn't make you want to go lie on a blanket down by the sea, you're obviously dead from the sunglasses down.

Just be thankful this child of the 80s didn't inflict the Bruce Willis version on you. (One of the first records I ever bought!) Hey, Bruno...!

2. Morrissey - Everyday Is Like Sunday

(From 'Bona Drag: 20th Anniversary Edition'.)

Hands up if you thought this would be number one? Well, yes, it is one of Mozzer's best. And it is wonderfully evocative of those dreary seaside towns where the highlight of the week was sharing some grease tea and celebrating winning a cheap tray on the bingo. But hey, Morrissey - I actually like those tacky resorts. I can think of far better places to bring down your nuclear bombs. Is is really so bad that Every Day Is Like Sunday?

1. Beach Boys - Surfin' USA

(From 'Surfin' Safari/Surfin' USA'.)

I'm sure that seaside holidays are completely different kettles of fish in the USA, but nothing says sun and sand and sea to me more than the Beach Boys and nothing gets me more in the mood for a holiday. I'm waxing down by surfboard as I type...

(No, that's not a Squeeze-esque euphemism, Steve!)



So those were my bucket and spade / sandcastle / ice cream on the beach songs... but what song reminds you of seaside holidays gone by... or gets you in the mood for future ones?

This Is The Last Birthday I Will Ever Celebrate...

...and sadly, I have to celebrate it with Bryan May... why couldn't it have been Freddie?



Still, on the plus side, life finally begins next year...

...and at least I'm not as old as Bruce Willis, who's 56 today.

Catching Up

Between going to That London, editing my latest novel (which I've now decided is finished, bar the tinkering, and will be much shorter than originally planned, but hopefully much better for it), writing stories for Friday Flash and Thoughtballoons, and setting up a fake Twitter account to take the piss out of the most annoying man on telly (don't tell anyone it's me)... I've gotten a little behind on my usual blogging subjects. So here's a quick catch-up of some of the things I've seen, done, read and listened to lately...

You know when you see a film and you LOVE it, even though you know it could be much better? RED is the best could-be-much-better film I've seen all year. It's a little slow in places. A little corny. And Helen Mirren is - surprisingly - not very good. But... it has real heart, which is rare for an action movie. The opening sequence is exceptional. Bruce Willis really underplays it - not a smirk in sight. Mary Louise Parker is both hilarious and beautiful (and unlike a lot of women in Hollywood, seems to be maturing without the aid of botox). Malkovich hams it up like he's in panto. Karl Urban proves Bones wasn't a one-off scene-stealer. And amazingly for a film adapted from a Warren Ellis comic, this is the least cynical Hollywood movie I've seen in years. It's a heartwarming feel-good action romp like they don't make any more. No, it's not perfect, but it's a lot of fun. And a damn sight better than The Expendables.

Slightly less feelgood, though still enjoyable in its own way, is the "Lesbian Moms" flick The Kids Are All Right. Mark Ruffalo steals this one with his laidback manchild routine. Much as I admire Julianne Moore and Annette Bening, there's something insufferably smug about their characters that almost tips this film into annoying. Almost, but not quite. It's an adult relationships comedy that does some amusing things, though I really can't credit the Oscar buzz. And it has been saddled with the rubbishest film title of the year - what, they just put The Who on random play and picked the next song up? What was wrong with "My Two Moms"?



Lloyd Cole's new album Broken Record is garnering some of his best reviews in years. I suspect it's down to the fact that Lloyd's dragged a full band along with him this time rather than playing the acoustic troubadour card. I've seen him do that one-man-and-his-guitar act quite a bit over the last few years and it never grows tired... but seeing him perform his greatestest hits (plus the best of the new stuff) accompanied by two other fine musicians really was a treat. Some of the best guitar work I've heard in a long time. No drums though, he hates taking drums on tour - far too much hassle! I don't love Broken Record quite as much as I did 2003's Music In A Foreign Language, but it does feature Lloyd at his literate, world-weary best. Highly recommended, particularly if you get the chance to see it performed live.



I've mentioned the Ben Folds / Nick Hornby collaboration before, but it's worth another plug as it's fast becoming one of my favourite records of the year. Particularly their tribute to veteran songwriter Doc Pomus...

Finally, Comic of the Week comes from my sometime PJANG #4 collaborator, Ryan Taylor. The Grinning Mask is a fun tribute to the old EC horror comics, down to its Frederick Wertham-inspired title. Childhood hi-jinks meet scary monsters - excellent work from Ryan on story and art. Find out more about The Grinning Mask here.

Speaking of PJANG... issue #5 will be heading to the printers shortly, with not one but TWO covers by Nige Lowrey. Here's the first, based on the strip 'The Ex-Men', illustrated by Kelvin Green, to whet your appetite. Second cover to follow soon...

The Expendables

I never thought I'd hear myself saying this about a film, or anything else for that matter, but what The Expendables really needed... no, what it really needed... was more Dolph Lundgren.

Now I'm hardly what you'd call a Dolph Lundgren fan. In fact, up till now, I think I've seen a grand total of two of his films - Rocky IV (which was bollocks) and the original 80s version of The Punisher (which was utter bollocks, though not quite as bollocks as last year's woeful Punisher War Zone). I don't consider Dolph a great actor. Hell, I don't even consider Dolph an actor. Yet unlike many of his aged action hero comrades in The Expendables, Dolph appeared to know exactly what he was doing. He was taking the piss. And if there'd been more of that, The Expendables would have been a much better film. Unfortunately, Slyvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke and (to a lesser extent) Jet Li appear to be taking this material far too seriously. And therein lies the tragedy.

Films like The Expendables can only really work (for me, at least) when they know they're rubbish. When they wedge their tongues firmly in their cheeks and glory in that very rubbish-ocity. Look at Willis. He's only there five minutes, but the smirk doesn't leave his face for a second. (Some believe the wind stuck when he was a particularly smug child and that's just his default expression. This Bruce-fan would never be so cruel.) Even Arnie, wooden as ever, knows he's here to take the piss. Stallone though - Stallone is serious. He's staked his career on this comeback, and he's desperately trying to make some kind of statement. Or rather, SUB KIBE OB STABEMEBNT. And Rourke? Oscar-worthy in The Wrestler, Raspberry-worthy here. That comeback didn't last very long, did it Mickey?

(The less said about Statham, as always, the better. I was disturbed to see him cosying up to Charisma Carpenter though - Cordelia's taste in men doesn't improve with age, does it?)

Don't get me wrong, The Expendables is not an unenjoyable way to spend an hour and a half if you grew up watching daft 80s action movies. There's enough OTT violence and dumb one-liners to satisfy anyone who ever claimed First Blood: Part II or Commando a classic. But we've all grown up a lot since then. Well, all but Sly Stallone. In Sly's world it's still 1985, Reagan's still in the White House, the video shop still rules home entertainment and dumb action movies may still have the PODENDIAL to CHAMGE BHE WORLB. "The Most Awesome Action Cast Ever Assembled"? Pity they couldn't have spared a few dollars for the script.