Countdown To 40: A Song A Year - Teenage Wasteland

So the countdown to March 19th continues (one in the eye for all those who believe we'll have to wait till December 21st for the 2012 apocalypse) and I'm back to picking one song for every year of my life so far.

These were my choices from 1972 - 1982... and now, on with the show.

11 (1983) Yes - Owner Of A Lonely Heart

What!? I hear you scream. You chose this over A New England or any of the songs on your favourite Costello album, Punch The Clock? I know, it's shocking, isn't it? I was never a huge Yes fan but this one album - this one song - soundtracked so many of my teenage memories. It's partly that killer riff, partly the sentiment (I was that Owner Of A Lonely Heart), partly John Anderson's angelic vocals... and yeah, partly the Trevor Horn sheen. It's not one man and his guitar singing an out of tune song about how all the girls in his school were already pushing prams: it's impossible to compare the two. But it'd be a few more years before I fell for Billy Bragg. When I was 11, this rocked my world.

Speaking of which, Number One in the charts on my 11th birthday? Another Jim Steinman classic. Turn the pomp up to 11 with Total Eclipse Of The Heart. Brilliant.

12 (1984) Bruce Springsteen - Glory Days

This is where it starts to get difficult. Do I pick a song that would mean more to me in later life, something from The Smiths or Rattlesnakes by Lloyd Cole? Or do I go with my gut and settle for the one album that screams 1984 louder than anything else in my head? Not the best Bruce album, but certainly the most iconic. And when you're 12 and only just finding your pop feet, that's all you want.

Meanwhile, if I'm feeling old, I just need to look at Bruce Springsteen in this video. God, he looks about 12 - and yet, he'd been making records for well over a decade by the time he finally made the big time.

At number one on my final pre-teen birthday? Lionel Richie, Hello. At least it wasn't I Just Called To Say I Love You.

13 (1985) Huey Lewis & The News - The Power Of Love

Oh god, when will he get past his American rock phase, you're wondering? Not just yet. Huey Lewis was another of my teenage heroes, helped along by Michael J. Fox and his DeLorean. Yes, this was the year of How Soon Is Now, and if I'd opened my ears properly I might have realised Morrissey had written that song just for me. But despite my teenage moodiness, I had an optimistic spirit and Back To The Future was my teen movie. Well, that and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Huey and the gang made three great albums prior to this one... and never came close again. Maybe that's what sent my tastebuds off in other musical directions?

It could be worse. The Number One that marked my ascent to teenagerdom? Easy Lover by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey.

14 (1986) The Smiths - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

Well, it couldn't really be anything else, could it? Even though I wouldn't properly appreciate this song for a good few years, it probably had a bigger impact on my life than any other record in my collection. It made me love The Smiths and forgive Morrissey anything. Back in '86, I was listening to far more Fore!, Graceland, Slippery When Wet and A Kind Of Magic. But The Queen Is Dead became my retrospective teenage anthem. It's hard to believe I didn't love it when it first came out.

By the way, if There Is A Light... hadn't been released in 1986, it wouldn't have been replaced by any of the records above. No, this year's runner up, and the song that most reminds me of teenage school discos, is Caravan Of Love by The Housemartins. Just in case you were wondering.

Number One as I turned 14? Chain Reaction by Diana Ross (with a little help from the Bee Gees.) Now that's what I call music.

15 (1987) Prince & Sheena Easton - U Got The Look

So many records say 1987 to me, yet it's hard to pick just one that stands out above the rest. Too much choice. My two favourite albums of the year are Tunnel Of Love and Strangeways, Here We Come yet neither produced a truly iconic single. I was tempted by Barcelona, Livin' On A Prayer or Sweet Child O' Mine, but while I don't rate Sign O' The Times the album as highly as many critics (though it's title track probably does say more about 1987 than most other songs released that year), this was the single that finally made me love the little purple freak.

My birthday Number One at 15? Everything I Own, a watered down cover version of an old reggae standard by a past-his-prime Boy George. Hardly one of the year's musical highlights.

16 (1988) Morrissey - Every Day Is Like Sunday

Damn it, I really wanted to give this one to Billy Bragg and Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards, but it doesn't quite compare to trudging slowly over wet sand back to the bench where your clothes were stolen. What does?

On the day I reached the age of consent (not that anyone would consent back for a good few years), the ironic Number One was I Should Be So Lucky by Kylie Minogue, a hideous slice of SAW-ed off landfill pop. And do you want to know something even worse? I actually bought the damn thing. I must have been desperate...

17 (1989) Del Amitri - Nothing Ever Happens

The late 80s were a dire time for music, though I still managed to find plenty to keep me going. As with the best of his songs, Justin Currie's debut hit combines apathy with misanthropy in a way few other artists could or would ever attempt. For 1989, it was this or I'll Sail This Ship Alone.

Meanwhile at Number One on March 19th, Madonna reached her artistic pinnacle with Like A Prayer. IMHO.

18 (1990) The Inspiral Carpets - This Is How It Feels To Be Lonely

This is how it feels to be 18. This, November Spawned A Monster and Birdhouse In Your Soul paint a curiously accurate picture of my last year of A Levels. Happy 18th!

Meanwhile, topping the charts on my birthday? Dub Be Good To Me by Beats International. I liked him in the Housemartins, I even dug Fatboy Slim, but this one wasn't a Norman conquest for me.

19 (1991) Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band - The Fire Inside

An unusual choice for the year that brought us Smells Like Teen Spirit and Losing My Religion, but this has long been one of my favourite songs. Elvis Costello almost stole the year with The Other Side Of Summer, but in the end Bob is Number One with a Bullet Band.

And on my 19th birthday? The Stonk by Hale & Pace. Bloody hell.

20 (1992) Bruce Springsteen - Human Touch

I went with my gut on this one. Neither of the two albums Bruce released in 1992 are among anybody's favourites. There were far better records released this year - including Automatic For The People, It's A Shame About Ray and Generation Terrorists. But this track carries a kind of crushed yet hopeful romanticism that's always made it stand out for me. I guess it reminds me of being 20 more than any of the above.

My 20th Number One birthday song was Stay by Shakespeare's Sister. Morrissey gets the last word in as usual.

Back next week with the run-up to my 30th.

The Neverending Meme

Happy New Meme! Stolen, as these things usually are, from Sunday Stealing.

1. Song that always makes you sad?

I've mentioned this many times before, but it never fails to bring a tear to my eye.

2. Last thing you bought?

The "new" single from the reborn Ultrasound.

3. Last person you argued with?

Probably Louise. I'm sure I was in the wrong.

4. Do you put butter on before putting peanut butter on?

No, I stop at the butter. Peanut butter is the work of the devil.

5. One of your stuffed animals’ names as a kid?

Huggy Bear.

6. Did you ever at one time own a Barenaked Ladies CD?

Still do.

7. Favourite day of the week?

Saturday looks good to me.

8. Favourite sundae topping?

I'm pretty happy with just the ice cream, but I like a splash of raspberry vinegar on my 99.

9. Did you take piano lessons?

Yes. For about ten years. Can I play the piano? Sadly, not.

10. Most frequent song played?

Impossible to answer. At the moment, I'm rather taken by Vermillion by Guillemots.

11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy?

Deal Or No Deal. At one point I watched it every day. I'm on the wagon now though, I haven't touched a drop in 4 or 5 years, and I'm staying away from the boxes.

12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey?

I'd like a hockey stick for everyday use.

13. Date someone older or younger?

Louise is my younger woman.

14. One place you could travel right now?

Anywhere warm, quiet and green.

15. Do you use umbrellas?

No. I'm a hard northerner.

16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem?

Eh?

17. Favourite cheese?

Can't beat a nice bit of Cheddar.

18. The Smiths or The Cure?

Sorry, Bob.

19. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes?

Gentlemen Prefer Brunettes.

20. Best job you ever had?

All the ones that never paid me any money. As soon as you start earning money for a job, you know it's gonna be a pain in the arse.

My Top Twenty Teacher Songs

One of the things I've been doing over at The Mixtape Lives On for the past few weeks is playing songs about teachers. In preparation for my new job, it seemed wise to find out what my favourite singers and songwriters thought about their teachers. Most of them concluded they were a bunch of lecherous pervs, bullying ghouls or sexually frustrated stalkers. Still, what do pop stars know about anything? They don't live in the real world...

Here's my full Top 20, click the links to listen to and read more about each song...


20. Paul Simon - The Teacher

19. The Talks - Teachers

18. Super Furry Animals - The Teacher

17. Leonard Cohen - The Teacher

16. Big Country - The Teacher

15. Pet Shop Boys - Hey, Headmaster!

14. Rufus Wainwright - The Art Teacher

13. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - Teach Your Children Well

12. Van Halen - Hot For Teacher

11. Belle & Sebastian - Expectations

10. Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall

9. Timbuk 3 - The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

8. Morrissey - The Teachers Are Afraid Of The Pupils

7. Black Kids - I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You

6. The Police - Don't Stand So Close To Me

5. Madness - Baggy Trousers

4. The Trashcan Sinatras - To Sir, With Love

3. Pulp - PTA

2. The Smiths - The Headmaster Ritual

1. Black Box Recorder - The School Song



Discover a new song every day at The Mixtape Lives On...

Book Review - Harbour by John Ajvide Lindqvist

Anyone who's read John Ajvide Lindqvist's previous novels, Handling The Undead and Let The Right One In will know that he's an author hugely influenced by Stephen King at his best. We see this again in the opening chapters of Harbour as Lindqvist introduces us to a strange community who make their home on Domarö, a haunted island in the Stockholm archipelago. There's Anders, whose six year old daughter disappears into thin air on a walk to the lighthouse. There's Simon, an old magician and escapologist who keeps a spooky insect in a box that gives him supernatural abilities. There's Anna-Greta, Anders' grandma, a former smuggler who knows far more about the terrible history of Domarö than she's letting on. And there's Elin, a former Reality TV beauty who's determined to make herself ugly. All great characters, given plenty of back-story while the mystery of Domarö deepens, long before the horror begins.

Anders' daughter Maja isn't the first person to disappear on Domarö, and she won't be the last. But what happens when the missing start coming back? Harbour builds to an exciting and shocking first act climax involving two old ghosts called Henrik and Bjorn, homicidal Smiths fans who ride the island on a spooky moped, quoting Morissey lyrics and causing panic wherever they go. Unfortunately, the novel loses much of its momentum in the second half and drags towards an unsatisfyingly metaphysical ending. It's just like Stephen King... at his worst. But don't let that put you off. Harbour remains a fascinating, engrossing and emotionally gripping read, and you may have more time for the climax than I did. It's worth reading for page 347 alone, where Anders breaks down while listening to a cassette of an old Swedish comedian. Lindqvist has a powerful understanding of how pop culture affects us even at the lowest points of our life, and how sometimes it's all that keeps us going.

Top Ten 'I Quit!' Songs

Specially for Lee at Quit Your Day Job... and anyone who might be considering packing it all in and joining me on the scrap heap / glorious golden road to success and riches (delete as applicable).

10. Elvis Presley - Guitar Man

(From 'The Essential Elvis Presley')

If you're thinking of taking the plunge, Elvis advises caution. Don't jump till you've got somewhere to jump to...

Well, I quit my job down at the car wash
I left my momma a goodbye note
By sundown I'd left Kingston
With my guitar under my coat
I hitchhiked all the way down to Memphis
Got a room at the YMCA
For the next three weeks I went hunting them nightclubs
Looking for a place to play
Well, I thought my pickin' would set 'em on fire
But nobody wanted to hire a guitar man

One of my very favourite Elvis tunes, written by Jerry Reed. There's also a cracking version by The Jesus & Mary Chain from the old NME compilation The Last Temptation Of Elvis.

We don't need no guitar man, son!

9. The Ramones - The Job That Ate My Brain

(From 'The Chrysalis Years Anthology')

You have to wonder what employer in their right mind would give these scruffy toe-rags a job in the first place?

I can't take this crazy pace.
I've become a mental case.
Yeah, this is the job that ate my brain.

8. Tennessee Ernie Ford - Sixteen Tons

(From 'Tennessee Ernie Ford The Greatest Hits & More')

You think your job's bad? You could be loading sixteen tons of coal a day with nothing to show for it but being "another day older and deeper in debt".

The Johnny Cash version is also worth a mention. The Johnny Cash version is always worth a mention.

7. The Enemy - Away From Here

(From 'We'll Live And Die In These Towns')

Does this sound at all familiar to you?

I'm so sick, sick, sick and tired
Of working just to be retired
I don't want to get that far
I don't want your company car
Promotions aint my thing
Name badges are not interesting
It's much easier for me see
To stay at home with Richard and Judy

Fans of The Jam (see below) may answer that it sounds a little too familiar...

6. Drive By Truckers - This F*cking Job

(From 'The Big To-Do')

Well, yes, but there's no need to swear, is there? I'm trying really hard to clean up the language round this blog these days...

Workin' this job is a kick in the pants
Workin' this job is like a knife in the back
It ain't gettin' me further than the dump I live in
It ain't gettin' me further than the next paycheck

5. The Flaming Lips - Bad Days

(From 'Clouds Taste Metallic')

See, if you ask me, the Lips have a rather extreme way of dealing with the problem...

You hate your boss at your job
But in your dreams you can blow his head off
In your dreams, show no mercy!

But only in your dreams, obviously. I'd never condone this course of action in real life. Unless your boss is an absolute...

4. Alan Jackson & Jimmy Buffett - It's Five O'Clock Somewhere

(From '34 Number Ones')

The sun is hot and that old clock is movin' slow,

An' so am I.

Work day passes like molasses in wintertime,

But it's July.

I'm gettin' paid by the hour, an' older by the minute.

My boss just pushed me over the limit.

I'd like to call him somethin',

I think I'll just call it a day.

The pristine white stetson, the perfectly trimmed moustache... Alan Jackson is probably everything you hate about modern country music, right?

Well, you know what? Stuff you! It's five o'clock somewhere...

3. The Jam - Just Who Is The Five O'Clock Hero?

(From 'The Gift')

Who'd ever have imagined Paul Weller and Alan Jackson would be singing from the same hymn sheet? I guess hating the 9 to 5 really is universal. Hell, just ask Dolly Parton!

It seems a constant struggle just to exist
Scrimping and saving and crossing off lists
From this window I`ve seen the whole world pass
From dawn to dusk I`ve heard the last laugh laughed
I`ve seen enough tears to wash away this street
I`ve heard wedding bells chime and a funeral march
When as one life finishes the other one starts

Alright then love so I`ll be off now
It`s back to the lunchbox and worker management rows
There`s gotta be more to this old life than this
Scrimping and saving and crossing off lists

2. The Smiths - Frankly, Mr. Shankly

(From 'The Queen Is Dead')

Considering Morrissey famously sang "I was looking for a job and then I found a job - and heaven knows I'm miserable now", it's no surprise he'd end up writing another song about hating the boss of his record company (Geoff Travis - who apparently did write bloody awful poetry).

Frankly, Mr. Shankly, this position I've held
It pays my way but it corrodes my soul...

I want to leave
You will not miss me
I want to go down in musical history

Who wouldn't feel more fulfilled making Christmas cards for the mentally ill?

Still Mr. Travis might console himself with the knowledge that Morrissey could probably have written the same lyrics about any of the many, many record company bosses he's encountered since leaving Rough Trade. Well, when you go in with that kind of attitude...

1. Johnny Paycheck - Take This Job And Shove It

(From 'The Best of Johnny Paycheck')

There were a lot of country songs on this list, even for a good old boy such as myself, but jacking in your job is obviously a recurring theme in that genre - probably more so than any other. And there's none more direct than this old classic from the aptly named Johnny Paycheck... can you think of anything better to sing as you're walking out the door?



If you can, leave it with your keys in the comments...

Top Twenty Car Crash Songs

You're only human, you have to slow down and take a look as you drive past this week's list of songs...

20. James - Crash (From 'Millionaires'.)

Probably isn't actually about a car crash, which is why I placed it at number 20. Who can tell with Tim Booth's lyrics? Great song anyway.

19. Half Man Half Biscuit - Tour Jacket With Detachable Sleeves (From 'Some Call It Godcore'.)

On his way back from seeing a night of terrible tribute acts (including I Can't Believe Its Not Focus and the Identical Cocteau Twins), Nigel Blackwell and his girlfriend Helen, in her eponymous tour jacket, take the last bus home...

As we boarded, I immediately felt a little uneasy, as the driver didn’t seem to know the required fare for our intended destination. As we made our way to the upper deck front seat, I felt the vehicle swing round to the left, as if to go along Bridge Street. “He really doesn’t know the route”, I thought, with increasing alarm. “Better go downstairs and help him out. Wait a minute. Bridge Street? The overhead railway Bridge Street? Oh my God – HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLENNNNNNNNNN…!!!”

Ten years later, Blackwell is driving the same bus route... and has a spooky encounter... with that very same black tour jacket (with detachable sleeves).

18. Crash Test Dummies - Mmm Mmm Mmm (From 'God Shuffled His Feet'.)

Once, there was this kid who got into an accident and couldn't come to school...

A true outcast's love story... and it all begins with a car crash. The boy was OK though - he was a Crash Test Dummy.

17. Ferlin Husky - The Drunk Driver (From 'Ferlin Huskey'.)

The maudlin and moralistic story of two small children killed by a drunk driver... with an awful twist.

This one will either break your heart or crack your funny bone.

Also by the same artist: I Dug My Daddy's Grave, Draggin' The River, Born To Lose (you get the picture)...

16. The Candyskins - Car Crash (From 'Sunday Morning Fever'.)

Britpop also-rans who broke up in 1998... have amazingly got back together. It seems there's even money in the reunion circuit for bands nobody can remember. Good on 'em.

15. Eminem - Stan (From 'Curtain Call - The Hits'.)

You know, the one with Dido wailing about her tea going cold. You may not remember, but it ends with Stan sticking his girlfriend in the boot of his car and driving it off a bridge. Like so many Eminem songs do.

14. Suede - Daddy's Speeding (From 'Dog Man Star'.)

Bret Anderson muses on how James Dean's car crash granted him immortality...

Whiplash caught the silver son
Took the film to No. I
Crashed the car and left us here
Broken glass for teenage boys trapped in steel and celluloid
Crashed the car and left us here.

13. Meat Loaf - Objects In The Rear View Mirror (From 'Bat Out of Hell Vol.2: Back Into Hell'.)

You'd be forgiven for thinking that every Jim Steinman song involves a car crash of some kind. Bat Out Of Hell has been described as "the ultimate car crash song" but much as I love that record (and I love it more than is healthy for a 39 year-old man), Objects... seems even more focused on the tragedy of a "fatac". Whereas BooH escapes the crash - and Hell itself - on a silver Black Phantom bike, Objects... stays with the accident, the death of Meat Loaf's teenage friend Kenny ("Oh my god, they killed..." etc.) and the way it's haunted him throughout his life.

There are times I think I see him peeling out of the dark
I think he's right behind me now and he's gaining ground

The video was directed by Michael Bay. Because, damn, who else could do this song justice?

12. Twinkle - Terry (From 'Golden Lights: Special Edition'.)

Though there has been much death and destruction in this list so far, this is the first actual death disc, an actual genre in its own right back in the 50s and 60s, wherein teenage girl (and occasionally boy) singers told tragic tales of young love cut short by driving too fast without paying due care and attention to the road.

I guess nobody ever took heed of the message in these songs because they just kept happening... as you'll see below.

11. Radiohead - Airbag (From 'OK Computer'.)

One of my absolute faves from grumpy Thom and the gang.

In a fast german car
I'm amazed that I survived
An airbag saved my life

10. Jan & Dean - Dead Man's Curve (From 'The Very Best Of Jan & Dean'.)

Every other early Beach Boys song was about coasting round town in your dad's character with a surfboard on the roof and bird-dogging chicks. Over on the other side of town, Jan & Dean were driving their cars a little more recklessly...

Won't come back from Dead Man's Curve...

9. Bruce Springsteen - Wreck On The Highway (From 'The River'.)

Another artist who spends much of his time writing car songs, so you'd imagine we'd come across more pile-ups in his repertoire than we actually do. Where many of the records on this list go for melodrama, Bruce strips away the pomp to give us a more personal reaction...

An ambulance finally came and took him to Riverside
I watched as they drove him away
And I thought of a girlfriend or a young wife
And a state trooper knocking in the middle of the night
To say your baby died in a wreck on the highway

Special mention must go to another Bruce song, Cadillac Ranch, dedicated to the place where smart wrecks go when they die...

8. Pearl Jam - Last Kiss (From 'Rearview Mirror: The Best of Pearl Jam'.)

Another death disc, originally recorded by Wayne Cochran back in 1961. I'm not a huge Pearl Jam fan, but this may well be Eddie Vedder's finest moment.

7. The Hours - Car Crash (From 'See The Light'.)

Me and you were just a car crash, baby
Everybody slowed down to take a look

The Hours - criminally ignored songwriters.

6. Black Box Recorder - Girl Singing In The Wreckage (From 'England Made Me'.)

Sarah Nixey crashes with her boyfriend on the way back from a New Year's party and gets stuck there for hour after hour after hour... or does she? It's a Luke Haines song, so who knows if she's telling the truth?

5. Ricky Valance - Tell Laura I Love Her (From 'The Very Best of Ricky Valance'.)

One of the all-time classic death discs ('bom bom bom bom'), originally recorded by Ray Peterson ('bom bom bom bom') though it was Ricky Valance who took it to Number One in the UK ('bom bom bom bom'). Tommy enters a stock car race to win money for his bride to be, loses his life in a crash, then comes back to haunt Laura forever, thereby ensuring her misery...

4. Dave Edmunds - Crawling From The Wreckage (From 'The Many Sides Of Dave Edmunds: The Greatest Hits And More'.)

It's a Graham Parker song, but the Dave Edmunds version was always mine. Despite the fact that "bits of me are scattered in the trees and on the hedges", the narrator of this song refuses to let one little accident prevent him "crawling from the wreckage... and into a brand new car". I hope he has good car insurance.

3. Shangri-Las - Leader Of The Pack (From 'The Best Of'.)

I love the Shangri-Las. So many of their songs end in teenage tragedy. Though this is their most famous record, there's similar automotive disaster in their Give Us Your Blessings, a song so woeful it makes Leader Of The Pack sound like an uplifting Jackanory story.

Sadly I can't listen to Leader Of The Pack anymore without hearing Julian Clary's spoof version, from his old identity as The Joan Collins Fanclub.

"Julian - is that Jimmy's ring you're wearing?"


No, it's not, it's my ring.


"Gee, it must be great riding with him... is he picking you up after school today?"


No, I don't go to school anymore - I'm 28 now.


Watch out for that great big lorry, Jimmy...
Oh... too late.

This wasn't actually the first Leader Of The Pack parody. Back in the 60s, The Detergents gave us the other side of the story... The Leader Of The Laundromat. (You'll have to hunt that one down yourself.)

2. The Primitives - Crash (From 'Best Of'.)

Another band back on the reunion circuit after nearly 20 years in retirement. Hope Tracy Tracy's vocal chords are still up for it.

Hands up if you thought this would be Number One?

Good guess... but look what you forgot...

1. The Smiths - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out (From 'The Queen Is Dead'.)

It could only be Morrissey & Marr's finest moment. The song that finally convinced me to love the Smiths. I haven't ever looked back.

And if a double-decker bus crashes into us...
To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us
To die by your side - well, the pleasure and the privilege is mine

But... lest you feeling I'm celebrating the car crash, I'll let the final word go to Tony Christie...

Drive safely darlin',
There's a long long road ahead,
And the weatherman says the freezing rain may turn to snow,
Mind how you go,
Drive safely darlin'
Mind how you go,
Drive safely darlin'

Do please take care on the roads… I need every reader I can get!

(Lyrics used for review purposes only. Copyright the respective songwriters. Removable on request.)

Top Twenty Devil Songs

Following on from last week's #fridayflash story, The Devil Wants Your Small Change, here are 20 songs about Old Nick...





20. Robert Johnson - Me & The Devil Blues

He sold his soul to the devil, just to play songs like this.

19. Bruce Springsteen - Devils & Dust

The best track from my least favourite Springsteen album.

What if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love

Nice harmonica.

18. Marty Robbins - Devil Woman

The cooler song with this title. Don't worry, we'll get to the uncooler one in a moment.

17. Superman Revenge Squad - The Devil Has Two Hands

If Star Wars single-handedly killed decent cinema
Then MTV single-handedly killed music
And the devil has two hands, he uses one to shove all these bands onto the telly, and the other one to stab them in the back

And Coca-Cola owns Christmas these days, I’d start a riot but might miss Eastenders, and that would be too much of a price to pay
And everything I love is mass-produced and meant to last a day; my favourite records started life an a glint in some sweat shop owner's eye

16. Skip James - Devil Got My Woman

The song Steve Buscemi gets all worked up about in the movie Ghost World.

15. Modest Mouse - This Devil's Workday

MM trying to sound like Tom Waits... again.

14. John Martyn - I'd Rather Be The Devil

I'd rather be the devil
Than I would be my woman's man

13. Wild Beasts - The Devil's Crayon

I saw Wild Beasts live once, in a support slot. I hated them.

On record though, they're growing on me.

12. Suzi Quatro - Devil Gate Drive

Ah those leather pants and white boots.

11. Luke Haines - All The English Devils

Where Mrs. Beeton meets Nobby Stiles - only in a Luke Haines lyric.

10. Cliff Richard - Devil Woman

Look, everyone, it's Cliff!

Or, if you prefer, the Flight of the Conchords parody... guest starring Chloe from 24.



9. INXS - Devil Inside

Before Michael Hutchence did his last dance, I was a huge INXS fan. It all seems like such a long time ago...

8. Gil Scott Heron - Me & The Devil

If anyone knows the darkness in men's souls, it's GSH...

7. Elvis - You're The Devil In Disguise

Oh yes you are.

6. The Lawrence Arms - The Devil's Taking Names

A literary punk band? Really?

5. The Smiths - Handsome Devil

Let me get my hands on your mammary glands
And let me get your head on the conjugal bed
I say, I say, I say...

That sweet-tongued devil... maybe Morrissey wouldn't be so unlucky in love if he changed his chat up lines.

4. Billie Holliday - That Ole Devil Called Love

See also Alison Moyet, the second greatest version of this classic.

3. Shed Seven - Devil In Your Shoes

Some may scoff at such a high placing for the Sheds... but this is their finest hour. Give them their due.

2. The Charlie Daniels Band - The Devil Went Down To Georgia

Johnny, rosin up your bow and play your fiddle hard.
'Cos hells broke loose in Georgia and the devil deals the cards.
And if you win you get this shiny fiddle made of gold.
But if you lose, the devil gets your soul.

I really wanted this to be Number One.

Fire on the mountain, run boys, run.
The devil's in the house of the risin' sun.
Chicken in the bread pan, pickin' out dough.
"Granny, does your dog bite?"
"No, child, no."

1. Rolling Stones - Sympathy For The Devil

When you search for "The Rolling Stones" on youtube, this is the first track that comes up. For good reason...



So... what will I be damned to hell for all eternity for not including?

30 Songs - Day 19

Day 19 - A Song From Your Favourite Album

No, I haven't forgotten this meme (well, I had a bit), but I have been struggling somewhat with Day 19. My favourite album? My favourite-favourite album? From when, exactly?

I could happily name my favourite album from the 70s...

My favourite album from the 80s...

My favourite album from the 90s...

Even, at a push, my favourite album from the 00s...

But asking me to choose between them for my favourite album of ALL TIME?

No... I can't.

I just... can't.

Oh, go on then.

If I have to...



But I am liable to change my mind tomorrow...

Top Thirteen Ghost Songs

I celebrated Halloween earlier this week with my Top Twenty Horror Films, but I also wanted to do something to mark the day itself so I started collecting ghost songs with the aim of compiling a Top Ten. Then I realised there were more than 10 essential ghost songs, so I bumped it up to 13 in honour of the day. As mentioned previously, I'm a supreme triskaidekaphobic, but this is the one day of the year that such bad luck cancels itself out. You remember how on Buffy, no self-respecting vamp or ghoul would be seen dead causing trouble on Halloween? It's the same principle.

Even with 13 positions in my Top Ten, I still had to leave out a bunch of great ghost songs, including haunted offerings by Aimee Mann, Gene, Tom Waits, Prefab Sprout, the Manics, Richard Thompson, The White Stripes and others. Not to mention Cherry Ghost, the Ghosts and Phil... Spector.

If you're interested in Ghost Rider songs, I suggest you click here.




13. The Beautiful South - Woman In The Wall

A man murders his wife and plasters her into the bedroom wall... but the wife gets her revenge, driving him mad with ghostly screams and a wall that drips blood. If only all relationships were that simple.

12. Orange Juice - What Presence?

In the moth eaten gloom of his shabby room, Edwyn Collins sees the strangest manifestiation...

It may just be his imagination.

11. The Smiths - A Rush And A Push And The Land Is Ours

In which Morrissey becomes the Ghost of Troubled Joe, hung by his pretty white neck some 18 months ago, then travels to a mystical time zone...

There's too much caffeine in your bloodstream
And a lack of real spice in your life

Yeah, man, I know how that goes...

10. Stan Ridgway - Camouflage

In which a young soldier in Vietnam is saved from an ambush by an awfully big marine who cries "Semper Fi!" and then turns out to have died the previous evening.

He was an awfully strange marine.

9. Bruce Springsteen - The Ghost Of Tom Joad

In which Bruce calls upon the spirit of Steinbeck's classic hero to stand up for the disenfranchised of modern day America. Not so much a ghost story as a requiem for an age long gone...

8. Godley & Creme - Under Your Thumb

A man takes refuge from a storm in the last compartment of a stationary train... but someone follows him on board... the spirit of a woman whose only escape from an oppressive relationship was to take her own life...

7. Laura Marling - Ghosts

These are just ghosts that broke my heart before I met you.

6. Jellyfish - The Ghost At Number One

I will defend Jellyfish as a great 90s rock-pop institution, but on reflection the lyrics to this song are very silly.

5. Ray Parker Jr. - Ghostbusters

I ain't 'fraid of no ghosts

4. John Leyton - Johnny Remember Me

Joe Meek's finest 2 minutes 38 seconds?

One of many so-called "death discs" from the 60s (see also Leader Of The Pack, Dead Man's Curve, Last Kiss et al. ... I've got a whole album of them at home), although this is one of the few wherein the crash victim comes back, with haunting consequences.

3. R Dean Taylor - There's A Ghost In My House

Another rave from the grave by Holland Dozier Holland.

See also The Fall's version.

2. Kate Bush - Wuthering Heights

Heathcliff - it's me, Cathy, I've come home... let me in your window...

1. The Specials - Ghost Town

Not a town full of ghosts, but a town that's a ghost of its former self... this is still one of the spookiest records you'll ever hear...

Top Ten Self-Pity Songs (Volume 2)

Some guy on the net thinks I suck and he should know
He's got his own blog!

By popular demand, I'm back with another pathetic playlist of pity. Many thanks to everyone who suggested songs last time, some of which are included here, others will be featured in the future.

You know the drill by now... this is Radio I Hate Myself & Want To Die FM!

10. Skinny - Failure


"Why have I always been a failure?" asked Skinny in 1998. It must have been doubly galling for them when Moby was such a success.

9. Tom Jones - I (Who Have Nothing)


You know that Cee-Lo Green chart-topper I was raving about? Here's its 1970 predecessor courtesy of the Welsh warbler.

8.Superman Revenge Squad - Pupkin

This homage to Robert DeNiro's King of Comedy deserves a post all its own. I strongly urge you to read the lyrics below, and if they strike a chord, follow the link to Ben Parker's website and give him some money. He has a new record out now.

I've been looking through loads of books of old lyrics that I wrote,
I've been wondering if I have really developed at all,
I used to want to be Billy Corgan now I can't remember what I once saw in those sentimental, over-produced songs he used to sing to me,
I was at home and feeling lonely, he was out there making loads of cash...

Used to want to be a writer
But now I'd take a lighter to those stories
I thought I'd be changing people's lives
I thought I'd have the Booker Prize
Now I realise that they're just lies
People tell themselves because hey don't wanna get a job

What's the point of singing songs you don't believe in
Just 'cos people say they might make you money?
And is Robbie from Eastenders really sexy
Just 'cos people recognise him from the telly?
And if Newsnight Review look at everything you do
And they decide it's crap
Is it really time to pack it in?
And no matter how many times I do this thing
Will I still feel like Rupert Pupkin?

I used to wanna be in Iron Maiden
Now I can't imagine what I'd do
With the money that I'd come into
Just for playing shows and hanging out with Bruce
And spending my spare time with Mötley Crüe
I mean, would I really care
About the people that stare
And point at the spandex clothes that I wear
If it was something I really wanted to do?

What's the point of singing songs you don't believe in
Just 'cos people say they might make you money?
And is Robbie from Eastenders really sexy
Just 'cos people recognise him from the telly?
And if Newsnight Review look at everything you do
And they decide it's crap
Is it really time to pack it in?
And no matter how many times I do this thing
Will I still feel like Rupert Pupkin?

7. Bloodhound Gang - Why Is Everybody Always Picking On Me?

Juvenile in the extreme, like The Inbetweeners on record, yet I can't help but sympathise...

6. Gilbert O'Sullivan - Alone Again (Naturally)


A song that begins with Gilbert being jilted at the altar and ends with the death of both his parents - you can't really blame him for feeling sorry for himself.

See also Nothing Rhymed, a song so monumentally miserable that even Morrissey struggled to make it through to the end when covering it live.

5. Babybird - Unlovable


Speaking of Morrissey... there is, of course, a masterclass in self-pity from The Smiths that goes under the same title as this recent offering from Babybird - you know, it's the one where Moz declares "I wear black on the outside, black is how I feel on the inside". I'd have given my right arm for a T-shirt with that on the front when I was 15 (and it'd only have needed one sleeve).

Babybird's song isn't quite that tragic, but it is a fine example of the quality of work on Stephen Jones's 10th album, Ex-Maniac, released earlier this year. Plus the video was directed by Johnny Deep. Yes, that Johnny Depp.

4. Luxembourg - Single


"I wouldn't wish my life upon anyone else..." sings David Shah on this peerless ode to failing to bother the charts. "I can't spend another summer burning copies of my debut single in my bedroom," he continues, "I can't spend another Sunday crying on the sofa as another opportunity passes me by."

You can download the entire album free from their Last FM page. I'd highly recommend you do that. Now.

3. Nick Drake - Poor Boy

How did I get this far into an appreciation of supreme self-pity without any Nick Drake? Poor, poor Nick Drake - I'll weep for him forever.

2. Ben Folds / Nick Hornby - A Working Day

The opening track to the new Ben Folds / Nick Hornby collaboration. Seriously - Ben Folds and Nick Hornby made a record together. Ben on music and vocals, Nick on lyrics. Until Stephen King and Bruce Springsteen team up, or Morrissey and Douglas Coupland, this is my dream muso-author combo.

Some guy on the net thinks I suck and he should know
He's got his own blog!

I'm a loser
I'm a poser
Yeah really
It's over
I mean it and I quit
Everything I write is shit

Hey, hey
It's a working day
Hey, hey
It's a working day

Somehow it's reassuring to know that even Ben Folds and Nick Hornby have days like that.

1. Janis Ian - At Seventeen

A song I find almost too painful to listen to. And I'm a boy...

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me

Go on world - hurt each other, kill each other, do anything you want!

I just don't care any more.

Top Ten Self-Pity Songs (Volume 1)

Isn't self-pity great? I hereby declare it the most ace emotion ever! If I'm having a bad day, there's nothing more guaranteed to cheer me up than a good long bout of feeling sorry for myself.

You'd think that with all the money and groupies and cocaine and stuff, your average rock star wouldn't have much time for self-pity, yet they seem to get off on it almost as much as I do. Although to be fair, most of the anthems to self-loathing listed below come from early in the respective artist's career - by singing about how shit they felt, they made oodles of money and hence stopped feeling so shit about themselves... and then went on to stop writing such good songs, since happiness is rarely conducive to artistic greatness.

This is Volume 1 simply because there are so many great self-pity songs, I really couldn't narrow it down to just ten. I'll throw some more onto the fire the next time I'm feeling crappy. Do feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments box...


10. Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag

I don't care, I love this song. It encapsulates how shit it is to be a teenager, listening to Iron Maiden, unable to get the girl you want because she's dating a dick. The video features perpetual loser Jason Biggs trying to cop off with Mena Suvari (from Amy Heckerling's underrated teen-com Loser). The band followed this supreme ode to woe with an Erasure cover. Yes, a fucking ERASURE cover. They deserved to self-destruct after that. But as one-hit wonders go... wow.

9. Eels - Dog Faced Boy

Coming home from the school today
Crying all along the way
Ain't no way for a boy to be
Begging ma to shave me please

You little punks think you own this town
Well someday someone's gonna bring you down
Life ain't pretty for a dog faced boy

E from the Eels has built a career on feeling sorry for himself, and understandly so when you consider some of the things that have happened to him. That said, he's always aware that things could be worse. He could always have a face like a shaggy mongrel.

8. Strangelove - Freak

If your name was Duff, you might expect your life to follow suit. So cheesed off that fate had robbed him by leaving that all-important 'y' off the end of his name - otherwise he might have been The Man From Atlantis or Bobby Ewing - Patrick Duff formed Strangelove and channeled all his negativity into this...

I walk the plastic streets
Just like a monkey
Just like a geek
My scraping knuckles bleed
I hear my Mummy crying out
He's a freak
I live a life alone
And all my friends are gone
It kind of turns me on
I hate them one by one by one
I'm a freak

7. Mansun - What It's Like To Be Hated

A song so utterly depressing, I can't even find it on youtube.

How are you feeling today, Paul Draper?

Ugly, scruffy, no one

Really?

Nasty, bitter, enraged

Right...

Hated, broken

Oh, come on now, cheer up - it can't be that bad.

Disturbed, unwanted at birth
The fucking joke that we are
I've never had any friends

Fair enough then.

6. Simon & Garfunkel - I Am A Rock

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

See the genius of Paul Simon here is that, bad as he's feeling, he's actually convinced himself he's better off that way. There was a time in my life I lived by the following lines...

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.

And if it all falls apart at sometime in the future, I'll live by them again.

5. Teddy Thompson - Turning The Gun On Myself

I really should do a list of suicide anthems. And this really should be on it. But as it's possibly the best song Richard Thompson Jr.'s ever written, it deserves its place on this list too.

4. Eric Carmen - All By Myself

When Eric Carmen was young, he never needed anyone. Making love? Making love was just for fun! Sadly, those days are gone. Now he's living alone, thinking of all the friends he's known... but when he dials the telephone... nobody's home.

I don't know about you, but I'm welling up.

3. Beck - Loser

For many years, I thought that Beck sang "So - open up the door - I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?"

Only when it comes to writing this post do my investigations reveal he's actually singing "Soy un perdedor", which, according to the internet... is Spanish for "I'm a loser".

2. Radiohead - Creep

I wish I was special. Don't you?

1. The Smiths - I Know It's Over

Of course, I could have compiled an entire Self-Pity Top Ten just from Smiths songs. And I could have made a Top Hundred just from sticking pins at random in Morrissey's solo catalogue. But none of them would have been quite as majestically miserable as this. It begins with Morrissey climbing into an empty bed he equates with a grave... and goes rapidly downhill from there. He then imagines a relationship with a potential partner who turns round and says to him these immortal words...

"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight ?
I know ...
'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."

If you've never sat alone late at night and asked yourself these questions... count yourself very, very lucky.



There - don't you feel better now?

Mozipedia

Simon Goddard's Mozipedia takes obsession too far. It's everything you ever wanted to know about Morrissey... and quite a bit you probably never wanted to know, unless you're a stalker. This massive 500 page breeze-block of a book traces the sources of every lyric, every drummer, every acquaintance... yet throughout all this, the author can't decide whether he wants to stick to just the facts or offer a critical assessment, indulge in hearsay and gossip or tow the official Morrissey line.

Often fascinating, the track by track entries are vital, but many of the others blur the line between curiosity and trainspottery. Want to know more about every actor, poet, playwright, musician, philospher and street-sweeper Morrissey has ever expressed even a passing interest in? Then this is the book for you. But even if you're only reading a couple of entries a night (as I did), you may find such scrupulous attention to detail combined with dogmatic hero worship gets a little tiring after a while.

Goddard's Morrissey fixation also blinds him to the merits of other artists (unless they're artists Moz adores - the entry on Moz's precious New York Dolls falls over itself to keep the great man happy), and he's often two-faced in his critical appraisal. For example, in an entry on Lloyd Cole, Goddard writes...

"When it came to cultural references, Cole was notoriously heavy handed, peppering his lyrics with the names of Simone de Beavoir, Grace Kelly and Norman Mailer. Although Morrissey has borrowed from literary and cinematic sources, never has he sung anything as crudely referential as "she looks like Eve Marie Saint in On The Waterfront".

Later though, in the entry on Pier Paolo Pasolini...

"Italian neo-realist film director referenced in You Have Killed Me along with his debut feature film ACCATONE."

So it's OK for Moz to namedrop obscure Italian filmmakers in his lyrics, but not for Lloyd Cole to romanticise a woman by comparing her to one of Hitchcock's favourite actresses? Now I'm a big fan of both Morrissey and Cole, so I like to think I'm unbiased... but really, which is the better song, the better lyric? Rattlesnakes or You Have Killed Me? Come on, Simon - take off the blinkers for just a second, man!

Most amusing of all is the entry on infamous Smith biographer Johnny Rogan -Goddard seething with jealousy that Rogan's Severed Alliance found its way onto Morrissey's radar while his own Songs That Saved Your Life merited less than a blip. One wonders what Morrissey would make of Goddard's latest love letter? I can't help but think that, like me, he'd find it a little excessive... though hardly worth the effort to complain about.

All that said, I consider myself fortunate to have read the Mozipedia. Firstly because many of the entries provided information I hadn't read before (and I've read a fair few Morrissey books in my time). There's certainly no faulting Goddard's research. Secondly, I didn't have to pay for it. It was a gift from the world's most generous blogger. He knows who he is. Many thanks, JC.

Top Ten Misery Songs

In a change to the expected programme, we take a break from Top Tens about popular beverages, and take a request from the floor instead. Kelvin didn't actually ask for a Top Ten Misery Songs... but he's getting it anyway.


10. Graham Coxon - Bittersweet Bundle Of Misery ( From Happiness in Magazines)

Kelvin thinks this sounds suspiciously similar GC's solo Blur outing Coffee & TV. I'm not sure I agree. You?

9. The Beatles - Misery ( From Please Please Me)

Yes, yes, I know, it's the friggin' Beatles. But always better a miserable Beatles than some happy-happy joy-joy grinning-Macca Beatles.

This was the first Lennon & McCartney composition to be covered by another artist. Originally written for Helen Shapiro, but she rejected it, the honour of being the first ever Beatles cover star actually went to comedian and singer Kenny Lynch. Yep, this guy...

8. Pink & Steven Tyler - Misery ( From M!ssundaztood)

Pink and Steven Tyler... now that's what I call scary.

7. Frightened Rabbit - Not Miserable

I will always remember the night that I almost drowned
All alone in a house

And the love that I lost
With all of the shit that came out in the wash
Just a pocket of fluff

And I'm not put upon
I'm free from disease, no grays, no liver spots
Most of the misery's gone
Gone, gone to the bone

No, lads, not miserable at all.

Taken from the album Winter of Mixed Drinks- which might be my album title of the year - even if the record itself isn't a patch on their last one.

6. Green Day - Misery ( From Warning)

Green Day write their own version of Walk On The Wild Side... the rest is misery.

5. The Pet Shop Boys - Miserablism ( From
Alternative)

Just for the sake of it
make sure you're always frowning
(Angst! Angst! Angst!)
It shows the world
that you've got substance and depth

Thank you, Neil, you made me feel good about myself... for a flickering millisecond. Was it worth it?

4. Half Man Half Biscuit - Reasons To Be Miserable (Part 10) ( From Back in the Dhss)

A fairly attractive girl walks past a building site and from underneath an industrial safety helmet you hear (wolf whistle) and you stand there witnessing the whole Neanderthal situation, wanting to twist your own brain out as they sit satisfied on their newly-built wall, laughing their hods off...

Reasons to be miserable
Another good excuse to be dead
It’s one more thing to gripe about
As I while away my days in bed

3. Brendan Benson - Misery ( From My Old, Familiar Friend)

Brendan Benson sounds more like mid-period Elvis Costello with every new record. If you're going to sound like anyone, that's a good place to start.

2. Tom Waits - Misery Is The River Of The World ( From Blood Money)

On which Tom plays calliope - or steam-powered organ. Forget guitars, we need more calliopes them in pop.

1. The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now ( From Hatful of Hollow)

Come on, you all knew where this was going... it was this or Miserable Lie. No contest really.

The song most often mocked by non-Smith fans (i.e. me, circa 1985) who claim the band are miserablists... and just don't get the irony.

Apparently this is one of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's 500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll. Which is pretty cool for all kinds of reasons.



So... what's your favourite misery music?