Top Ten Space Alien Songs

I know, I promised you my Top Ten Astronaut songs this week... but with the release of Prometheus, this one seemed too good an opportunity to miss.

This Top Ten is also dedicated to the late Ray Bradbury, one of my favourite authors. Something Wicked This Way Comes is among the greatest novels ever written.



10. Arctic Monkeys - Space Invaders

A Monkeys rarity. Can't remember where it came from. It's an Unidentified Playing Object.

9. Magnetic Fields - Alien Being

You talk a lot about nothing at all
Watch TV shows about nothing at all
Think a lot about nothing at all
Listen to songs about nothing at all

You write the laws about nothing at all
Make 3D films about nothing at all
Stage happenings about nothing at all
Sound and light shows about nothing at all

You complain about nothing at all
Go insane about nothing at all

You have no feelings
I think you are an alien being

8. Neil Hannon - Aliens

Another rarity: it's not often you hear Neil Hannon releasing a song under his real name. This was part of an Oxfam charity album called The Cake Sale. It's really quite lovely.

7. Dweeb - Chart Raider Space Invader

Dweeb were a late 90s indie band who sounded quite a lot like Ash and had most success with their excellent single Scooby Doo. This was their debut record... good luck in tracking it down!

6. Soko - I Thought I Was An Alien

Kind of a French Bjork, Soko transfixed me a couple of years back with her superb stalker anthem I'll Kill Her. Apparently she hates it now she's grown up a bit. Because I haven't grown up, I still love it. I Thought I Was An Alien is the title track of her latest album.

5. Dan Bern - Talkin' Alien Abduction Blues

In which Dan Bern gets abducted by aliens who strap him down, stick a probe up his nose... and start critiquing his songwriting.

Then they waved this wand around my head
Said, "Now we're reading your thoughts, you see
You got an awful lot of songs in there
Though it seems they're all in the key of G"

I said "What about Marilyn? That's in D"
They said "D flat, actually"
I said, "Yeah, because I tune it down a half step
What about Hannibal?"
They said "What about Hannibal?"
I said "Well, technically, it's in G
But it's really a dropped D tuning capo'd up"

They said "How come you don't play the harmonica more?"
I said "How come I'm in a space ship
Talking to aliens about my act?"
They said, "We'd rather talk physics
But you're illiterate there"

Couldn't argue.

4. Fountains Of Wayne - I Want An Alien For Christmas

Top of the FOWs Xmas list: a little green guy about three feet high with 17 eyes who knows how to fly. Who wouldn't want one?

3. David Bowie - Starman / Loving The Alien

Can you believe it's 40 years since the release of Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders From Mars? I could easily have filled a Top Ten just from the Bowie back catalogue, but Starman is undoubtedly his greatest alien moment (and not just because it gave its name to the John Carpenter / Jeff Bridges movie). Loving The Alien can't compete, but it does feature one of crazy Davey's maddest videos.

2. Radiohead - Subterranean Homesick Alien

Like Bowie, Thom Yorke could easily have fallen to earth with a bump. Could this be his most autobiographical song?

I wish that they'd swoop down, in a country lane
Late at night when I'm driving
Take me on board their beautiful ship, show me the world as I'd love to see it
I'd tell all my friends but they'd never believe me
They'd think that I'd finally lost it completely
I'd show them the stars, and the meaning of life
They'd shut me away, but I'd be alright
Alright

1. The Carpenters - Calling Occupants Of Interplanetary Crafts (The Recognized Anthem of World Contact Day)

Originally recorded by Klaatu, who score an extra point for naming themselves after the alien hero of The Day The Earth Stood Still... but it's Karen Carpenter's version I consider definitive.



Those were my favourite alien anthems... but which one will you take to your leader?

Top Ten Mars Songs

Our next stop on my musical journey into space is Earth's closest neighbour, the red planet. Watch out for little green men... and the God of War.

10. The Boss Martians featuring Iggy Pop - Mars Is For Martians

'Nuff said.

9. Grinderman - Honey Bee (Let's Fly To Mars)

So that's what happened to all the bees - Nick Cave took 'em to Mars! One of the less obscene Grinderman records.

8. The Flaming Lips - Take Meta Mars

Somebody please take Wayne Coyne to Mars before he puts anymore heads in jars. Taken from the album In a Priest Driven Ambulance (With Silver Sunshine Stares), this was allegedly inspired by the Can song Mushroom. Or maybe just some mushrooms.

7. The Wedding Present - Mars Sparkles Down On Me

There's a new Wedding Present album out, in case you haven't heard. This is from their last one. Both are brilliant.

6. T. Rex - Ballrooms of Mars

Bob Dylan knows
And I bet Alan Freed did
There are things in night
That are better not to behold

5. The Undertones - Mars Bar

OK, so it might not be the planet... but it does help Feargal work, rest and play. And it's a perfect reminder of how supremely ACE The Undertones were.

4. Jeff Wayne - The Eve of the War

No one would have believed the top comment on youtube for this song...

I will play this on 21st December, 2012.

WHO WILL JOIN ME?

TOGETHER, LET US USHER IN THE APOCALYPSE.

No, dude, but I'll play it on the 22nd in your honour.

3. Ash - Girl From Mars

And she never told him her name...

2. David Bowie - Life On Mars?

Look, it may be a godawful small affair, but Bowie's already had one Number One on this journey and I very much doubt it's the last we'll hear from him. Let's give someone else a chance at the top position...

1. John Grant - Marz

John Grant's spelling might need a little work, but his songwriting is out of this world.

Golden champagne juicy grapefruit lucky Monday
High school footall hot fudge buffalo tulip sundae
Almond caramel frappe pineapple rootbeer
Black and white pennyapple Henry Ford sweetheart maple tea

So. Those were my favourite Martians... what are yours?

Top Ten Countdown Songs

So - I've got my spaceship, I'm ready to leave earth behind... this is my countdown to lift off.

10. The Tempos - Countdown, Here I Come

Just like a guided missile
My love is heading for you, baby
Like a dog when he hears a whistle
My love is heading for you, baby

They don't write 'em like this anymore. A genuine Northern Soul classic.

9. Weezer - Blast Off!

Jumping the gun rather at number 8, Weezer are already igniting their thrusters. Not sure this is the official video, but it features a robot playing keyboards with tumble-dryer pipe arms, so that's good enough for me.

8. The Black Keys - Countdown

The Black Keys can be forgiven for counting UP rather than down because this track rocks so very much. So very much, I doubt our astronauts would want to leave the launch pad.

7. The Dandy Warhols - Mission Control

From 'Earth To The Dandy Warhols'... naturally.

6. Adam Ant - Apollo 9

This almost made it onto last week's list of Spaceship Songs, but fits here just as well as it begins with a funky countdown.

We will be fine
Apollo 9
Even though
NASA say
We out of line

5. Jupiter One - Countdown

A band I know very little about other than that they countdown to a tight sound.

4. Manfred Mann - 5 4 3 2 1

Paul Jones plays a mean harmonica.

3. Europe - The Final Countdown

Inevitabubble.

2. Pulp - Countdown

A song about sitting on the launch pad, waiting for your life to lift off. We've all been there... some of us still are.

The time, of my life,
oh I think you came too soon,
Yeah you came too soon then,
Oh and it could, it could be tonight,
if I ever leave this room,
(I never leave this room no)
Oh I wasted all my time on all those stupid things that only get me down,
Get down, oh.

1. David Bowie - Space Oddity

Take your protein pills
And put your helmet on...

We've got a long journey ahead of us into musical space... I doubt this is the last we'll hear of Mr. Bowie.



Got a favourite countdown song? Share it with the class.

Countdown To 40: A Song A Year - The First 10 Years...

So, March 19th 2012. That's the date. The date my life finally begins. I can hardly wait. Maybe Marvel will call me up and ask me to write Spider-Man, Morrissey and Bruce will pop round for a coffee and Kate Winslet will pop round for... unlikely, really, what with Louise's shotgun and everything.

Or perhaps it'll just be another day like all the rest.

To mark the countdown to this momentous milestone, I thought I'd look back on my life so far through the medium of song. Some time ago, I ran a feature here called My Life In Music in which I chose a favourite album for every year I'd been on this earth. This will be sort of like that, except this time it'll be just a single song. It won't necessarily be my favourite song from each particular year... but one that's meant more to me throughout my life than most others released that year.

0 (1972) Harry Nilsson - Without You

The record that was at Number One as I came squealing out into the world on that grey Sunday lunchtime. Although this was Harry Nilsson's biggest hit, he's made far better records and this one was both overplayed and then tragically eviscerated by Mariah Carey. I've always been a huge Nilsson fan though, so I'm happy to settle on this as my original birthday tune.

1 (1973) Billy Joel - Piano Man

As I turned one, the record at the top of the charts was Cum On Feel The Noize by Slade. A fine tune, even if I always had issues with Noddy's spelling. But the autobiographical Piano Man was Billy Joel's first big hit and one of the records that first attracted me to his songwriting as a teenager. Yes, I was that cool.

2 (1974) Harry Chapin - W.O.L.D.

Another great singer-songwriter of the 70s, Harry Chapin never matched the level of fame achieved by Joel or even Nilsson, but his excellent story songs always manage to bring a smile to my face or tear to my eye. W.O.L.D. is probably his best known track, the story of a has-been DJ... I'd meet plenty of those once I started working in radio.

Number One as I turned 2? Billy, Don't Be A Hero by Paper Lace. I can live with that, given that my first name is William, though I always preferred The Night Chicago Died.

3 (1975) Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road

Could this be the hardest choice I'll have to make on this countdown? In any other year, the winner would have been Bohemian Rhapsody. Hands down. Queen were my first big band as a kid and Bo Rap just blew me away. And then a few years later, I discovered Bruce. Born To Run and this. Two songs from my favourite album of the 70s, a record that has meant more to me than just about any other in my life.

So you're scared and you're thinking that maybe we ain't that young anymore

Number One on my third birthday? Bye Bye Baby by The Bay City Rollers. Oh.

4 (1976) Queen - Somebody To Love

So I had to pass on Queen last year - hopefully this will make up for it. One of the most joyous songs about being a sad sack lonely bones I've ever heard. Thank you, Freddie, this one kept me going throughout my teens.

Cheesy disco at #1 as I turned four: I Love To Love by Tina Charles. I wouldn't necessarily turn off the radio if that came on. You become more tolerant of old cheese as you become an old cheeser yourself.

5 (1977) Meat Loaf - Bat Out Of Hell

Ah, Jim Steinman, another hero of my teens. Nothing succeeds like excess. I don't care what you say, this record bleeds rock 'n' roll all over your carpet.

Number One on my 5th? Chanson D'Amour by Manhattan Transfer. A ratty-tatty-tat.

6 (1978) The Boomtown Rats - Rat Trap

As with Bat Out Of Hell, here's another song that owes more than a little debt to Born To Run. For about five minutes there, Bob Geldof was the Irish Springsteen. Then he lost his muse and went off to try and save the fookin' world.

I'm 6. If you're coming to my birthday party, you might hear today's Number One song playing from my sister's record collection. Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush. Fantastic.

7 (1979) Elvis Costello - Oliver's Army

Another of my early songwriting heroes - though like Bruce, Billy and Jim I didn't really discover him till I was a teenager. Costello gleefully admits he stole the jubilant piano chords in his biggest hit from Abba. That's the way to do it.

My 7 year itch birthday song? I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. Excellent.

8 (1980) Robert Palmer - Johnny & Mary

Because I might not have room to squeeze Batley's finest in to my countdown later in the decade, here's one of his finest moments. I was a huge Robert Palmer fan growing up - he left us far too soon.

Alternatively, I might gone with Hungry Heart, Geno or Ashes To Ashes... or perhaps even the Number One as I turned 8: Going Underground.

9 (1981) Queen & David Bowie - Under Pressure

The bassline not even Vanilla Ice could kill. And here's my confession: I almost gave this year to Making Your Mind Up by Bucks Fizz. Not because it's a record I've spent a lot of time with over the years, but at 9 years old I thought it was just about the coolest thing ever. And not just that bit when the girls tear off their skirts... although that might well have been the first time I showed an interest in such things.

Number One at 9? Jealous Guy by Roxy Music. Better than the Lennon version.

10 (1982) John Cougar Mellencamp - Jack & Diane

And yet another Man Who Would Be Bruce. I've always loved this track - I think it might be the combination of power riff followed by acoustic plink. That and the romantic Americana... though it was years before I understood what "sucking on chilli dogs outside the Tastee Freez" really meant. Oh, and the mid-song drum-breakdwn before JCM goes into his glorious gospel refrain. There's so much to love about Jack & Diane. No wonder it edged out Come On Eileen and the entire contents of Nebraska...

Oh yeah, life goes on
Long after the thrill of living is gone

As I hit double figures, the song at the top of the charts was The Lion Sleeps Tonight by Tight Fit. Which is a good point to pause as any... I'll be back soon with my terrible teens. And some songs from Manchester, I reckon...

Top Ten Lightning Songs

If this be Thor's Day...!

(Well, it will be for me as we're going to see the movie tonight. In 2D, the way it's meant to be seen.)

Thor may well be the God of Thunder (hence last week's Top Ten Thunder Songs), but he's more often illustrated with lightning - thunder being hardly the most visual of elements.

And so... here's my Top Ten favourite Lightning Songs...

10. Tom McRae - I Ain't Scared Of Lightning

Arguably Tom McCrae's best album, his eponymous debutcloses with this short burst of defiance...

If they gave degrees for cheating destiny
Then man, I've got a first

9. Bruce Springsteen - Dry Lightning

Despite the fact that The Grapes of Wrathis one of my favourite novels, The Ghost Of Tom Joadisn't one of my favourite Springsteen albums. Lyrically, these stories are strong - musically, they're a little too sparse - yet without the devastating 4-track effect of Nebraska.Still, Dry Lightning remains an evocative piece of storytelling...

I'd drive down to Alvarado street
Where she danced to make ends meet
I'd spend the night over my gin
As she'd talk to her men


Well the piss yellow sun
Comes bringin' up the day
She said "ain't nobody gonna give nobody
What they really need anyway"

8. George Jones - White Lightning ( From The Best of George Jones)

Written by the Big Bopper, George Jones's version of White Lightning drew infamy from the 80 takes it took its inebriated singer to get it all down on tape. The story goes the session went on so long, the bass player's fingers began to bleed.

7. David Bowie - Lightning Frightening

From one Jones boy to another, this was a bonus track on my copy of The Man Who Sold The World, though it doesn't appear to have been included on more recent versions of that release. Shame.

6. John Travolta - Greased Lightnin' ( From Grease Original Soundtrack)

We'll get some purple French tail lights and thirty-inch fins, oh yeah
A palomino dashboard and duel muffler twins, oh yeah
With new pistons, plugs, and shocks, I can get off my rocks
You know that I ain't braggin', she's a real pussy wagon - greased lightnin'

I think he's referring to something like this...

5. The Flaming Lips - Lightning Strikes The Postman ( From Clouds Taste Metallic)

I got yer letter it had turned to sand,
Lighting strikes the postman in his hand,
I hope that you remember the things you had to say,
It's just a supernatural delay...

Well, that's just typical of the Royal Mail these days. Any excuse!

And it's hard to read the writing through the flames...

4. Auf Der Maur - Lightning Is My Girl ( From Auf Der Maur)

Ex-Hole axe-grinder Melissa Auf Der Maur made better music once she's kicked Courtney to the kerb...?

3. Arctic Monkeys - Crying Lightning ( From Humbug)

While the Flaming Lips are pestering the postman, the Monkeys get back to doing what they do best - aggravating the ice cream man. Featuring lewd Carry On style innuendo based around the contents of a Pick 'n' Mix bag... really, what else do you need?

2. Richard Thompson - 1952 Black Lightning ( From Action Packed - The Best Of The Capitol Years)

I already raved about this song when it made Number One on my Top Ten Songs About The 50s. Only that, and Bruce Willis, prevent it from taking top spot twice...



1. Lou Christie - Lightning Strikes Again ( From Lou Christie The Hits)

Had you worried for a second there, didn't I? Truth is though, it's down to Bruce Willis that I first came across this track, back when David Addison sang it - very briefly - in an old episode of Moonlighting. Bruce's version didn't do it justice, but it did convey a fraction of the sheer excitement contained within this Motown-meets-Frankie Valli style 60s stomper. If you've never heard it before, give yourself just three short minutes to fall in love...





OK, lightning has struck - will it strike twice? What did I miss?

If you've still not had enough Thor-shaped action, I'll be back shortly with my review (not tomorrow though as I'm going to a wedding), and in the meantime it's Thor Week over at Thoughtballoons... go check out my 1-page story. It's Thor Vs. Richard Dawkins... the battle we've all been waiting for!

Top Ten Songs About The 80s

So we jived through the 50s...

We couldn't remember the 60s...

We were born in the 70s (well, I was, anyway)...

Which brings us to the most maligned decade of the latter half of the 20th Century. Quite unfairly, if you ask me. The 80s were ace. They gave us Jet Set Willy, The A-Team, Back To The Future, The Queen Is Dead, Frank Miller's Daredevil, Rubix Cube, Born In The USA and Tunnel Of Love, Moonlighting, John Byrne's Fantastic Four, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Total Eclipse Of The Heart... and all they asked in return was our souls. Sounds like a perfectly fair trade to me.

Anyway, as usual, this isn't a list of Best Songs FROM The 80s... just Best Songs ABOUT the 80s. Don't make me have to explain that to you again.


10. David Bowie - 1984 / Eurythmics - Sex Crime (1984) / Tina Turner - 1984

Having said that, let's start with three songs that were actually recorded in the devilish decade, each dealing with the year George Orwell predicted fascism would run rampant. In reality, we had Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan... phew, lucky escape there, eh, George?

9. John Mayer - 83

Apparently we're all supposed to hate John Mayer because he's a precocious pretty-boy who's had his hands (and, no doubt, other bodily parts) all over Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston and a dozen other Hollywood bimboids. Ah, good on him. I'm not jealous. (If he ever goes near Kate Winslet though, I'm calling him out.) Anyway, this is probably the best song he's ever recorded, from early in his career, before he went all rockstar cliché.

8. Kid Rock - All Summer Long (1989)

Ah, but if it's rockstar cliché you're after, look no further than Kid Rock, bringing the obscenity of his expense account to this video with speedboats, tattoos and pretty girls. Not a bad tune though, despite the fact that he owes most of it to Warren Zevon and Lynyrd Skynyrd. At least he's not afraid to own up to the thievery...

7. Randy Travis - 1982

A more respectable face of American Mid-West musicianship, Randy Travis arrived on the scene in 1985 when Marty McFly was just beginning to travel in time. Here Randy's experimenting with a little cross-chronal communication of his own, calling on the phone company and the post office to help him contact the girl he left behind in 1982. Probably Kim Wilde.

6. Camera Obscura - Eighties Fan

The word 'wistful' was invented for this song. Elsewhere in Scotland, Stuart Murdoch is seething with jealousy at lines like these...

Run away to a bed and breakfast
Console yourself with the Reader's Digest
Ringing the Yellow Pages all alone

And for a certain kind of girl, there's no greater chat up line than this...

You say your life will be the death of you
Tell me, do you wash your hair in honey dew?

5. Manic Street Preachers - 1985

Trust the Manics to pour scorn on the decade of their teenage riot, remembering a year in which Orwell was proved right and the Civil War failed. Still, from misery comes hope...

In 1985, my words they came alive,
friends were made for life,
Morrissey and Marr gave me choice.
In 1985, in 1985.

4. Regina Spektor - Dance Anthem of the 80s

What killed the 80s music scene? If you'd asked me in 1989, I'd have screamed "dance anthems". S-Express, Technotronic, Black Box and their sordid, wailing ilk. (I quite liked MARRS and Pump Up The Volume, but it was a grubby, guilty kind of like, and I knew it was wrong.)

Regina Spektor remembers a much more enticing 80s dance anthem though... if only they'd all sounded this good.

3. Ash - True Love 1980

Ash narrowly missed out on last week's list due to the fact that their debut album was called 1977 and kicked off with the sound effect of Lucasfilm Tie Fighters to celebrate the year of their birth.

Those Ash boys grew up fast though... look at what they were getting up to by age 3!

2. Denim - I'm Against The Eighties

Another artist who really should have made it into last week's list (check out Lawrence's heartfelt 70s tribute The Osmonds if you don't believe me), particularly when you consider that he's not actually that fussed about the decade in which he first shimmied onto the indie-pop scene...

Well I’m against the ‘80s bands that couldn’t play
I’m against the ‘80s singers with nothing to say
You heard it on the radio
You saw it on the TV
You still went and bought it

Guilty as charged, m'lud.

1. Bowling For Soup - 1985

And so we reach, unarguably (don't even try), the greatest ever song ABOUT the 80s... and a promise fulfilled to Bowling For Soup's Jaret Reddick that if I ever compile such a Top Ten, his band will be Number One.

No contest...

Bruce Springsteen, Madonna
Way before Nirvana
There was U2 and Blondie
And music still on MTV
Her two kids in high school
They tell her that she's uncool
Cuz she's still preoccupied
With 19, 19, 1985

Audio & lyrics below, full video on the link above - worth watching, even though the record company don't want me embedding it. After all, there's a danger you might like the song and want to go out and buy it... and that'd never do.



Oh, and Richard Thompson does a pretty mean cover too.


So that was the 80s, my coming of age. What's your favourite song about this decas horribilis?

Don't worry, only one more week to go...

Top Ten Bitch Songs

This seemed like an obvious follow-on from last week's list of Bastard Songs, however I was not without my qualms...

I used to work with a woman who absolutely loathed the word B-I-T-C-H. She was happy enough using most other swearwords (even the C-one), but could not even stand to be in the same room as someone saying "bitch". Now I'm a firm believer in not letting words have power over you... but I also don't want there to be any kind of misogynist subtext from a post like this. (Misanthropic, yes, but there's a misanthropic subtext to just about every post I write.) Besides, as this list proves, the word in question can have all kinds of different interpretations... and it does make for an excellent selection of tunes...

10. Meredith Brooks - Bitch

What further proof can you ask for than this 90s feminist empowerment anthem (oh, argue that one amongst yourselves) from Meredith Brooks...?

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

9. Inspiral Carpets - Bitches Brew

An atmospheric, almost Joy Division-esque drone from the Manc madcaps... though they are wearing Sphinx masks in the video, and you never saw Ian Curtis doing that, did you?

8. David Bowie - Queen Bitch

Ah, Bowie. You really should show up on these lists more often, you crazy androgynous godlike genius, you.

She's so swishy in her satin and tat
In her frock coat
and bipperty-bopperty hat
Oh God, I could do better than that

What a bee-yatch!

7. Kenickie - 60s Bitch

I make no apology for the fact that this also appeared in my Top Ten Six Songs. It's Kenickie, deal with it.

6. Absentee - Bitchstealer

"Bring her back, bring her back, bring her back..."

I knew very little about Absentee... but after hearing this, I wanted to know more.

5. Elton John - The Bitch Is Back

In which Elton is the titular bitch... and you just know he is, too.

4. Blast Off Country Style - Hey, Hey I Love You Bitch

I can't find much about this band online either, and sadly no link to the song in question. But it's great... so if you can track it down, you'd be doing yourself a huge favour.

3. Bowling For Soup - The Bitch Song

The b-word means something quite different in an all-male prison, as Bowling For Soup discover in this sensitive video dealing with the harsh realities of prison life.

I like Bowling For Soup. They're like a band from a Hannah Barbera cartoon. I bet they drive around in a colourful tourbus solving spooky mysteries and upsetting local shopkeepers wherever they go.

It amuses me no end that when you search for this song on youtube it comes up as "Beach Song".

I originally placed this song at #7... then I received a tweet from the band's lead singer Jaret Reddick... and he's right, they should have been at least #5.

So I changed the order round and made them #3. Yes, I am that easily swayed.

If David Bowie wants to tweet me, I'll make him at least #4.

2. Ben Folds - Bitches Ain't Shit

Quite possibly the greatest cover version ever recorded, in which Ben Folds castrates the macho posturing of Dr. Dre's original (though to be fair, the bitches Dre refers to are a former bandmate and his manager) and turns it into a heartbreaking piano ballad. Folds' version of this song became so popular that he eventually had to give up playing it live because he didn't want his kids to hear him referred to as "that bitch guy".

1. Robyn - Konichiwa Bitches

I first became aware of Robyn, and this song, through Kieron Gillen and Jamie McKelvie's excellent Phonogram.

Here Robyn brags like the cockiest of rappers yet in such hilarious, tongue-in-cheek fashion you can't help but love her. This song is actually the main reason I wanted to compile this particular Top Ten... it was either this or a Top Ten Foreign Language Greetings Songs... which was much clumsier... though I haven't ruled it out completely.

I'm so very hot that when I rob your mansion
You ain't call the cops, you call the firestation

'Cause my love is so sweet
You'll be zoom, zoom, zoom
Don't even get me started on my bada-boom-boom
One left, one right thats how I organize 'em
You know I fill my cups no need to supersize em'
Right now you probably thinking how she get in them jeans
Well I'm gifted all natural and burstin the seams

Konichiwa bitches!

Feel free to bitch in the comments about the bitches I kicked to the curb...

Top Ten Monster Songs

If you're expecting a Top Ten Snow Songs, go elsewhere. Me and snow, we're done. The divorce papers are with my solicitor and I want possession of the shovel. Bloody snow.

Instead, because I already did ghost songs, and because there's a new movie out in the UK this week called... erm... Monsters... here are some monsterrific tunes from my collection. No vampire or werewolf, Frankenstein or Dracula songs, maybe I'm saving those for a list of their own...

10. Bobby Boris Pickett & The Crypt Kickers - Monster Mash

It was either here, or at Number 1. this was, after all, a graveyard smash. The Vincent Price version is also worth a click.

9. Ryan Adams - I See Monsters

Every time I include a Ryan Adams song in these lists, I have to ask... Ryan... what went wrong?

8. L7 - Monster

From their square name, L7 should have been a band of geeks like Weezer. Not a band of hot indie-chick psychos. This isn't quite as good as their greatest moment in the sun, Shitlist, but it's not bad.

7. Voice Of The Beehive - Monsters & Angels

I am a child of the 80s, hear me roar.

6. Meat Loaf - The Monster Is Loose

From Bat Out Of Hell III: A Sequel Too Far. Not written by Jim Steinman, which explains why it's not at #1.

5. Shrag - Long Term Monster

They're from Brighton, they're not on youtube, they deserve your love.

4. David Bowie - Scary Monsters (And Super Freaks)

She had a horror of rooms she was tired, you can't hide, beat

David Bowie sure could write an opening line. Complete nonsense, but pure wonderful.

3. Eels - My Beloved Monster

From the Shrek soundtrack, but don't hold that against E.

2. The Automatic - Monster

What's that coming over the hill
Is it a monster? Is it a monster?

Could also have been #1, were I not 160% predictable.

1. Morrissey - November Spawned A Monster

Yes, yes. What-ever.

But if the lights were out - would you even dare?
To kiss her full on the mouth... or anywhere?

A punch in the face for the first person to mention the REM album.

Volcano Songs

A few weeks back, when the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajökull started spewing ash clouds over Europe and disrupting everybody's flights in the process, Reluctant Blogger suggested I put together a Top Ten Volcano songs in tribute. I toyed with the idea, but feared I'd missed the boat. Good old Eyjafjallajökull though, I knew it wouldn't let me down. Topical blogging ahoy! (Well, as topical as Sunset Over Slawit ever gets.)

Apparently there's a Damien Rice song called Volcano, but as I've never heard it and can probably die happy without ever doing so, it doesn't feature in the list below. Just in case you were wondering.



10. Beck - Volcano

And I heard
Of that Japanese girl
Who jumped
Into The Volcano
Was she trying
To make it back
Back into the womb
Of the world?

Who says you don't learn anything from listening to Beck records? Right here I learned about Japanese student Kiyoko Matsumoto who committed suicide in 1933 by throwing herself into the Mount Mihari volcano, starting a trend which resulted in 944 people doing exactly the same thing over the next year. Those crazy Japanese, eh?

9. Embrace - Ashes

Embrace hail from Brighouse, which is halfway between where I live (t'other side of Huddersfield) and where I work (Bradford). There aren't a lot of volcanoes in Brighouse, but there is a huge crater in Bradford where six years ago they knocked a huge chunk of the city down in preparation for building a new shopping centre... and then left it to rot.

Embrace are currently recording their sixth album... hurry up, lads, it's been ages!

8. Grandaddy - Lava Kiss

Volcanologists say
That we're unlike the rest
That we're the best
Fearlessness
Deadliness
Lava Kiss
Togetherness

I keep biting my lip at the moment. It's very annoying and painful. But not as painful as a lava kiss, I'd imagine.

7. Islands - Volcanoes

Canadian band Islands find that when you anger the gods, "a hard rain falls, made of magma" and "melts Alaska".

6. Van Halen - Eruption

1 minute and 42 seconds of epic guitar wanking from Eddie. Because he can.

5. Teardrop Explodes - Kilimanjaro

Kilimanjaro is considered by many the best album the Teardrop Explodes ever recorded. It's also one of those albums where the original running order didn't include the title track. That popped up on an EP released later, and on subsequent re-issues. Julian Cope originally planned to call this album Everybody Wants To Shag The Teardrop Explodes, which would have been a must better title, but wouldn't have got a mention in this list. (EWTShagTTE was eventually used as the name of a compilation, long after the band had split.)

Not to be confused with Pete Doherty's Babyshambles who famously killed a man for his giro.

4. Bennet - Mum Has Gone To Iceland

Not actually a volcano song, nor a song about the country of Iceland, this is actually about the chain of frozen food shops. I don't care - it's bloody marvellous!

3. Ash - Burn Baby Burn

One of their best. Featuring both Ash and burning... and cheerleaders, in the video, if you're interested in that sort of thing.

2. David Bowie - Ashes To Ashes

Every now and then, I think, "actually, David Bowie's not all that mad really"... then I see a video like this one and I remember... no, he's barking.

The shrieking of nothing is killing me.
Just pictures of Jap girls in synthesis
And I ain't got no money and I ain't got no hair

1. Silver Sun - Lava

Perfect power pop with peerless Beach Boys harmonies and an opening line to die for.

"I fucking give up!"

(Though sung so high and harmonised, nobody could actually tell those were the lyrics... certainly we didn't know that, when we used to play this on the late 90s indie radio show I helped produce.)



So. Those were mine. If you've got a favourite volcano song... you know what to do with it. Equally, if you'd like to suggest another Top Ten subject, be my guest. I can only ignore you if I don't like it.