Top Ten Mars Songs

Our next stop on my musical journey into space is Earth's closest neighbour, the red planet. Watch out for little green men... and the God of War.

10. The Boss Martians featuring Iggy Pop - Mars Is For Martians

'Nuff said.

9. Grinderman - Honey Bee (Let's Fly To Mars)

So that's what happened to all the bees - Nick Cave took 'em to Mars! One of the less obscene Grinderman records.

8. The Flaming Lips - Take Meta Mars

Somebody please take Wayne Coyne to Mars before he puts anymore heads in jars. Taken from the album In a Priest Driven Ambulance (With Silver Sunshine Stares), this was allegedly inspired by the Can song Mushroom. Or maybe just some mushrooms.

7. The Wedding Present - Mars Sparkles Down On Me

There's a new Wedding Present album out, in case you haven't heard. This is from their last one. Both are brilliant.

6. T. Rex - Ballrooms of Mars

Bob Dylan knows
And I bet Alan Freed did
There are things in night
That are better not to behold

5. The Undertones - Mars Bar

OK, so it might not be the planet... but it does help Feargal work, rest and play. And it's a perfect reminder of how supremely ACE The Undertones were.

4. Jeff Wayne - The Eve of the War

No one would have believed the top comment on youtube for this song...

I will play this on 21st December, 2012.

WHO WILL JOIN ME?

TOGETHER, LET US USHER IN THE APOCALYPSE.

No, dude, but I'll play it on the 22nd in your honour.

3. Ash - Girl From Mars

And she never told him her name...

2. David Bowie - Life On Mars?

Look, it may be a godawful small affair, but Bowie's already had one Number One on this journey and I very much doubt it's the last we'll hear from him. Let's give someone else a chance at the top position...

1. John Grant - Marz

John Grant's spelling might need a little work, but his songwriting is out of this world.

Golden champagne juicy grapefruit lucky Monday
High school footall hot fudge buffalo tulip sundae
Almond caramel frappe pineapple rootbeer
Black and white pennyapple Henry Ford sweetheart maple tea

So. Those were my favourite Martians... what are yours?

Top Ten Man On The Moon Songs

OK, let's get back into space after last week's unrelated diversion... and where's the first stop on our journey?

There are far too many songs about the big blue cheese button to narrow down a Top Ten Moon Songs... so instead, here's 10 solely about taking a trip there.

10. Radiohead - Sail to the Moon (Brush the Cobwebs Out of the Sky.)

See, I might consider that bracketed subtitle pretentious... had Thom Yorke not stolen it from Bagpuss.

9. Super Furry Animals - Colonise The Moon

I vomited throughout your saxophone solo, sings Gruff Rhys, to whom I'm not sure. It's enough to make him want to leave the planet and set up his home Space 1999 style on Moonbase Alpha.

8. Love & Rockets - Holiday On The Moon

You can't get a suntan on the moon, reckon the band named after the comic.

7. Grinderman - Man In The Moon

Nick Cave's daddy was an astronaut. Now he's living on the moon...

6. Drive-By Truckers - Puttin' People on the Moon

The Truckers sing the working man's blues: while they're struggling to scrape by, another joker in the White House is puttin' people on the moon.

5. Eels - Climbing To The Moon

Got a sky that looks like heaven
Got an earth that looks like shit
It's getting hard to tell where
What I am ends
And what they're making me begins

No wonder E's got his foot on the ladder...

4. The Police - Walking On The Moon

I believe giant steps are in order.

3. ELO - Ticket To The Moon

Remember the good old 1980s?
When things were so uncomplicated?
I wish I could go back there again
And everything could be the same.

2. Frank Sinatra - Fly Me To The Moon

What's Spring like on Jupiter and Mars? Patience, Frank, we'll get to that in coming weeks.

1. REM - Man On The Moon

Oh, look, I found a version where Stipey duets with Bruce. That'll do nicely.



Got a favourite Man On The Moon song? Don't be shy about it...

Top Ten Spell Songs

After last week's Witches, I thought about following on with a Top Ten Wizards but found just seven in my library (not counting Roy Wood) and only The Who was a classic.

But I'm not done with the occult just yet... so here's my Top Ten Spell Songs, which ties in quite nicely with this week's Thoughtballoons character, Dr. Strange, Master of the Mystic Arts. If you're so inclined, you can read my one page script here.

10. Focus - Hocus Pocus

Where rampant guitar riffs meet crazy Dutch yodelling.

I know but two things about Focus...

1) They're one of Stuart Maconie's favourite bands.

2) They're featured, to amusing effect, in the classic Half Man Half Biscuit story song, Tour Jacket With Detatchable Sleeves...

After the Identical Cocteau Twins, came the final act, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Focus. Following a commendable stab at Sylvia, Helen shouted to the guitarist: “Are you knackered, man?” To which he replied: “No, I’m Jan Akkerman”.

9. Siouxsie & The Banshees - Spellbound

In which Siouxsie Sioux suffers for her art, crawling around on a men's room floor like she's re-enacting that infamous scene from Trainspotting, before things go really mental like Toy Story meets the Texas Chasinsaw Massacre...

"When you think your toys have gone berserk..."

...they're probably just listening to too many Banshees records.

8. Gogol Bordello - Break The Spell

If Start Wearing Purple is the only Gogol Bordello song you've ever heard, here's another tasty slice of Russian gypsy mayhem for your earbuds.

7. Amber Benson - Under Your Spell

From the infamous Buffy & The Vampire Slayer musical episode - you know the one where they wouldn't let Alyson Hannigan sing because despite being too cute to live, she's also got a singing voice like Miss Piggy in a 'Yodel Like Jan Akkerman' Competition?

I still don't know whether Amber Benson's character was called Tara or Tera.

6. Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - Spell

Cave at his most yearningly romantic. Hard to believe this is the same guy who gave us Grinderman.

5. Lambchop - I Can Hardly Spell My Name

OK, I know, strictly speaking the definition of 'spell' here is an entirely different one to every other song on this list (one derives from the Germanic, the other from Old English - see, I'm not entirely allergic to research), but it's still a beautiful record, while Kurt Wagner's lyrics are just cryptic enough to make it an invocation of sorts.

4. Aqualung - Strange & Beautiful (I'll Put A Spell On You)

A prime slab of Coldplayesque whimsy from the summer of 2002 when this song was everywhere thanks to its use in a VW ad campaign. Songwriter Matt Hales has made far more interesting records since, but this appears to be the one he'll be remembered for.

3. Screaming Jay Hawkins - I Put A Spell On You

A unique - and at the time, shocking - performance which was achieved by getting everybody in the studio so fired up on liquor and spicy chicken wings that Screaming Jay doesn't even remember recording it. Covered by everyone from Bryan Ferry to Nina Simone, Jimmy Barnes to the Eels... but none of them are quite as scary as the original.

2. Billy Bragg - She's Got A New Spell

One minute she says
She's gone to get the cat in
The next thing I know
She's mumbling in Latin

Billy looks about 12 in this video. It's really quite depressing.

1. Steve Miller Band - Abracadrabra

The word "abracadabra" comes from Aramaic and means "to create... as I say".

Not to be confused with DC Comics' mad magician Abra Kadabra...

Steve Miller (no, not that one) allegedly wrote this song after meeting Diana Ross.

This was the band's last big hit, not counting the UK jeans ad Joker revival in the 90s.



So, shazam, alakazam, hey presto... who did I dispell?

The Death Of Bunny Munro

It's been a long time since I disliked a book as much as I disliked The Death Of Bunny Munro.

Which is strange, because I love Nick Cave. I've been a fan of his music for years, and though I haven't read his first novel And The Ass Saw The Angel, why wouldn't I love his fiction too?

There's nothing wrong with Cave's prose. It is, as the reviews clearly state, striking and lyrical. The problem comes with the character of Bunny Munro himself, a sex-addicted travelling salesman who is forced to take his young son on the road with him when his wife commits suicide. Munro is a loathsome creation who views every woman he meets as a potential shag, goes far beyond the point of mentally undressing them, and yet regularly finds himself hip-deep in poontang. To call his character vaguely misogynist is to drastically misuse the word 'vaguely'.

Yes, there's a point to all this. Yes, Cave is satirising masculinity, and yes, redemption (of a kind) will eventually come Bunny's way. But it's a grubby and unpleasant journey and one that offers little in the way of humour, enlightenment or plot. And (in case you were wondering) bugger all in the way of eroticism. All this coming from someone who read and appreciated American Psycho. Maybe I'm becoming a prude in my old age, but if I read one more description of Bunny imagining the shape of a woman's vagina, I'd have thrown this book in the wood-chipper.

Sorry Nick, I think in future I'll stick with the records.