Top Ten Sexy Songs

If you were here a couple of weeks back when I did sex, you'll understand the rules. This time it's ten great songs with 'sexy' in the title. In tribute to the second issue of Too Much Sex & Violence, out now...

10. The Beatles - Sexy Sadie

The original title was 'Maharishi', written by John after the Beatles' India experience. I don't mind including the occasional Beatles track in these lists, but I like to get them out of the way early on because they hardly need my help to sell any more records.

9. Dr. Hook - Sexy Eyes

Of course, if you're a huge Beatles fan you'll probably be horrified to see them one place below Dr. Hook, but them's the breaks. This song reminds me of that old Kenny Everett gag about "the woman in the bar who rolled her eyes at me... so I picked them up and rolled them back."

8. Art Brut - Sexy Sometimes

Eddie Argos wants to be Barry White... though he accepts his chances are slim.

I want to be played in the background,
While a couple drinks their wine.
That would be a triumph, with a voice like mine.

7. Corinne Bailey Rae - Sexyback

Yes, it's the Justin Timberlake song.

Yes, it's the version it's OK to like.

6. Little Man Tate - Sexy In Latin

A bittersweet tale of young love from Sheffield's dear departed.

5. Hot Chocolate - You Sexy Thing

Love the Starsky & Hutch guitar on this. It's worth tracking down Cud's version too, if you can get your ears on it.

4. Flight of the Conchords - We're Both In Love With A Sexy Lady

Bret, she was looking at me
No, she was looking at me
Bret, she was looking at me,
She had her eye on my knee
Dog, I'm sorry, she had her eye on my guns
Are you loco? She was checking out my buns
No, bro, she had an eye on me
She had an eye on me
Well, how could she have an eye on both of us?
Wait a minute, you talking about the girl with a lazy eye?
I think she might have had a slightly lazy eye

We're both in love with a sexy lady
With an eye that's lazy
The girl that's fly with a wonky eye
She's smokin' with an eye that's broken
I think it's hot
The way she looks left a lot
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

The word 'genius' cannot be used enough when talking about Flight of the Conchords.

3. Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy

For everyone who complained about the lack of Salt 'n' Pepa on the sex countdown: here, I hope you're happy now.

My actual real number 3 is...

Lily Rae & The Saturday Girls - Oh! To Be Young & Sexy

...but I couldn't find that on youtube. Still, it's as worthy of your attention as anything else here today.

2. Rod Stewart - Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?

Because...

Steady now, ladies.

1. Prince - Sexy M.F.

It's hard enough trying to search for the word 'sexy' on youtube, try searching for the full title. Then try finding a version Prince's record company haven't objected to being there in the first place. All that said, it's worth the effort for a song that was (understandably) edited to death for radio play.

See also Lovesexy, somewhat less obscene yet still impossible to find on youtube for the reasons outlined above.



So - what sexy song gets you in the mood?

Music I'm Listening To This Week

Five more songs I can't get out of my head (or off my music player)...

8in8 is a musical collaboration between Amanda Palmer, Ben Folds, Damian Kulash and Neil Gaiman. Yes. Musical. Neil Gaiman. Calm down, granny.

I downloaded this record some weeks ago from Amanda Palmer's website (where it's available for a minimum price of just $1) because I'm a huge fan of both Palmer and Folds, both of whom can do no wrong in my eyes... well, apart from marrying Neil Gaiman. I really wish Ben Folds hadn't done that.

Anyway, I've been happily enjoying it without actually realising that the final track is spoken by the God of All Stories About Stories About Stories himself. Who knew he sounded so much like a cross between Tom Lehrer and Noel Coward? The track is called The Problem With Saints... and bloody hell, it's annoyingly good. My Neil Gaiman rehabilitation continues...

Fortunately it's not my favourite track on the record. I wouldn't have been able to live that down. No, my favourite track (though to be fair, all six are excellent) is this... a duet about the failure of permissive parenting, by Amanda and Ben...



Oh, and the 8in8 mini-album is called Nighty Night, presumably in tribute to Julia Davis. That's got to be worth 61p (at today's exchange rate) of anybody's money.

Skint & Demoralised...? Well, yes, I am. But am I downhearted? No, because I've just discovered my New Favourite Band (this week's model) - and they're from just down the road in Wakefield.

I missed out on Skint & Demoralised first time round. So did a lot of people, it seems, despite their debut album Love, And Other Catastrophesbeing on a major label. Listening to songwriter Matt Abbott on 6Music earlier in the week I heard him explain how the band went from heroes to zeroes in the space of two months back in 2009, leaving them with perhaps the most appropriate stage name in pop. Now they're back, with This Sporting Lifeon their own indie label, and ironically drawing more attention than ever. It's a fickle mistress, the music business.

Originally a performance poet, Abbott writes classic observational indie lyrics that'll remind you of everyone from Morrisey to Ian Dury to Mike Skinner to Frank Turner. Yes, he's that good. Further evidence can be found on his ode to the great British pub...

Speaking of Frank Turner, I've yet to grow tired of his latest record, England Keep My Bones- it could well turn out to be album of the year.

The opening track, Eulogy, is only 1 minute 34 seconds in length - which is both frustratingly short (when I'm listening to it, I want it to go on forever) and perfect.

Not everyone grows up to be an astronaut
Not everyone was born to be a king
Not everyone can be... Freddie Mercury
But everyone can raise a glass and sing
Well I haven't always been a perfect person
I haven't done what mum and dad had dreamed

But on the day I die I'll say
"At least I fucking tried!"
That's the only eulogy I need
That's the only eulogy I need.

It's one of those songs that makes me want to go on living. There can be no finer praise.

Brilliant! Tragic!- the new record from Art Brut - isn't quite as brilliant as much of their previous output, nor is it entirely tragic. There's a lot to enjoy here, from Eddie actually trying to sing rather than just talk or shout, to their heartfelt tribute to Axl Rose, to the wonderful Bad Comedian and its appropriately corny lyrics.

You're walking around like love's young dream
He dresses like he comes free with the NME
How can you bear to hold his hand?
I bet he signs his name in Comic Sans

Best reason to buy this record though - as opposed to just downloading it - is the beautiful artwork by Phonogram's Jamie McKelvie. Album cover of the year, no competition.



Finally, I got a real urge to listen to some old Pogues the other night, in particular the track below, possibly their finest moment. I thought I'd mention here because the alternative was to come up with a Top Ten Songs About Ford Cars...

...or a Top Ten Songs About Dodgy Top Shelf Magazines From The 80s.

Be grateful I'm sparing you that...

Top Ten Satan Songs

All right, all right, enough with the Top Twenty Devil Songs... let's have something a bit more FESTIVE, shall we?

How about a Top Ten Santa songs..?

D'oh! Me and my damned dyslexia!


10. The Louvin Brothers - Satan Is Real

An old style deep south country hit that breaks into gospel style preaching about the evils and temptations of modern music and society.

Quite possibly the most bizarre thing you'll hear this week... if you click the link.

No wonder Johnny Cash dubbed himself The Man In Black if this is what the country white hats were singing.

9. Luke Haines - Satan Wants Me

The devil has the best tunes... sounds like he's already got you, Luke.

8. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Satan Said Dance

This song sounds like a Charles Manson recruitment drive to me.

7. Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me

(Or, as the mondgreen has it, "Beelzebub has the devil for a sideboard".)

When I was 16, Queen's biggest hit was among my Top Three Favourite Songs EVER. And that was long before Wayne's World.

6. British Sea Power - No, Lucifer

Why are satanic puppets so disturbing? A nightmarish video for one of BSP's most poppy songs.

5. Cake - Satan Is My Motor

Satan is the only one who seems to understand...

4. Orbital - Satan

I'm not a huge fan of dance music, but this Orbital track stuck in my mind from about 15 years ago because of it's amusingly sampled intro, and I had to recruit the twitter hivemind to help me remember it.

Daddy, what does regret mean?
Well son, the funny thing about regret is,
It's better to regret something you have done,
Than to regret something you haven't done.
And by the way, if you see your mom this weekend,
Be sure and tell her, SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!

Apparently, the sample originates from a Butthole Surfers track called Sweat Loaf. Which is nice.

3. Art Brut - Demons Out

In which Eddie Argos kicks Satan's arse.

How can you sleep at night when nobody likes the music we like?
How am I supposed to sleep at night when no one likes the music we write?
Record buying public, we hate them
This is Art Brut vs. Satan
Don't worry, we can take 'em!

2. Ben Folds - Satan Is My Master

About 45 seconds into this short track, Ben Folds is possessed by the devil. It's like Billy Joel meets The Exorcist.

1. Morrissey - Satan Rejected My Soul

Poor old Moz (#4765). Even Satan doesn't want him.




So, my little devils... which Satanic Song do you worship?


For more festive Satanic Santa fun, can I direct you towards this week's Thoughtballoons story? Ryan chose Santa Claus as this week's character... and I did a very bad thing.

Top Ten Milk Songs

I did coffee...

I did tea...

But for those of you who prefer your beverages caffeine free and full of calcium... a Top Ten Milk Songs seemed a must.

10. Eddie Cochran - Milk Cow Blues

Rock 'n' Rollers knew how to write songs about farm animals. See also the Elvis version. We need more cows in the chart these days (and no, I don't mean Lady Gaga).

9. Kelis - Milkshake

Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Haven't a clue what this means, but it does make me want to go to the yard. And I don't even like milkshakes.

This would normally be a good time to mention Flight Of The Conchords' hilarious reaction to this song... but I'm saving that for next week.

8. Garbage - Milk

You always have to wonder why Shirley Manson decided to call her band Garbage. Doesn't suggest a whole lot of confidence in the end product, does it? I still think Rubbish would have been a better name.

7. Art Brut - DC Comics And Chocolate Milk

Part of my Best DC Comics Songs post, the ironic thing being that this song is actually better than most DC comics these days.

6. Dr Feelgood - Milk & Alcohol

One of Mark Radcliffe's favourite bands. I reckon The Dude would appreciate this song too, since his beverage of choice is a White Russian.

"Hey man, there's a beverage here!"



5. Herman's Hermits - No Milk Today

Written by Graham Gouldman, who went on to form 10CC, this always reminds me of free school milk. Here's something I've probably told you before - drinking milk makes me throw up. I discovered this when I first went to school. After a couple of days trying to get me to drink my free school milk, the teacher gave it up as a bad job. When I went up to the next class a year later, I tried explaining to the new teacher that I didn't drink milk, but she wasn't for listening. She soon learned.

4. Rufus Wainwright - Cigarettes & Chocolate Milk

Not quite as bad for Rufus as Eddie Argos's chosen accompaniment for chocolate milk. In case you were wondering, chocolate milk makes me throw up too. And so do cigarettes.

3. Saint Etienne - Milk Bottle Symphony

Possibly Saint Etienne's greatest moment.

Oh, sod it, there's no 'possibly' about it.

2. Billy Bragg - Milkman Of Human Kindness

If you're lonely, I will call
If you're poorly, I will send poetry

If you're sleeping, I will wait
If your bed is wet, I will dry your tears

If you are falling, I'll put out my hands
If you feel bitter, I will understand

I love you
I am the milkman of human kindness
I will leave an extra pint

A bad pun has never sounded so sweet.

1. Benny Hill - Ernie (The Fastest Milkman In The West)

I was never really a Benny Hill fan. Even as a kid I found him a bit too silly, and I guess I was too young to appreciate the innuendo. But I do consider Ernie to be a minor work of genius: not just a spoof country and western song played for laughs, there's something genuinely moving about its tragic and spooky denouement.

Was that the trees a rustling
Or the hinges of the gate
Or Ernies ghostly goldtops a rattling in their crate?
They won't forget Ernie
And he drove the fastest milkcart in the west

Have you Got Milk? What's your favourite milky milky song?