Random Meme

Looking around for something to write about on a tepid Tuesday, I found this old meme in my half-written drafts pile. I have no idea where I stole it from, but it's a while since I did one of these, so...


1. What is your favorite Mexican dish?

Louise makes delicious chicken fajitas. We had them Saturday night. Yum.

2. When you were a kid, did you get started on your homework right away after school, or did you procrastinate?

I tried to get it out of the way as soon as possible so I could get on with reading comics, writing stories, and listening to records... you know, the important stuff.

3. What is your favorite store for home furnishings?

I don't have one, but this is as good a place as any to say that I hate Ikea. The only good thing about Ikea was the meatballs, but even the Ikea cafe has gone down the pan. I remember the days when you could get 10 meatballs for a quid. And they had mayonnaise sachets to go with the chips. And lingonberry juice. All distant memories now.

4. When you were young, did you like school lunches?

Some. I liked sausage, beans and chips day. I could go for a plate of school sausage, beans and chips right now. Fish and chip day was ruined by mushy peas though - and the Nazi dinner ladies who forced me to eat them and scarred me for life in the process.

5. Is religion a crutch?

If I was lame, would religion help me walk? No. Not even if I took a trip to Lourdes.

As I've said before, I'm not an atheist. I'm an agnostic. I'm Mulder. I want to believe... in something.

If that's a crutch... so be it. Whatever gets you through the night.

6. In your region, what is the “big” high school sport?

Bullying.

7. Do you consider yourself rich?

No.

But I don't exactly consider myself poor either.

Things could be better... they could also be a whole lot worse.

8. Which of these would you have the best chance administering:

A) CPR
B) Heimlich Maneuver
C) Changing a flat tire

The flat. Although if I could get away with driving it to a garage and having someone else do it, I would.

I have had first aid training, but it's a looong time ago, and I'd likely do more harm than good.

9. Which dance would you prefer to learn & why:

A) Salsa
B) Hip Hop
C) Waltz
D) Swing

Swing and salsa would probably be too much for my back and I'd just look tragic trying to hip hop... so I'd have to say waltz, darling.

10. What’s the worst news you’ve ever delivered to someone?

You got that job in our department. You can start Monday.

11. Name something you learned in college that had nothing to do with classes or academics.

The cool kids don't want to play with you... thank god.

12. New variation on an old question: If there’s a song in your head that just won’t get out, what is your favorite (or most repeated) line in that song?

For some reason, this particular song keeps running through my head lately. It's incredibly un-pc, and there's little chance of it ever getting played on the radio, so I don't know where it's come from or which ugly, sexist bit of my subconscious keeps chucking it up... What can I say, I'm obviously disturbed.

The Universe Hates Me

We all have those moments (or, at least, I presume it's not just me) when it seems like some higher power is mocking us. God, Fate, Mephisto, Loki, Mxyplyzyk, Tyler Durden, The Impossible Man, Grant Morrison, the rabbit from Donnie Darko... I dunno, whichever of those dudes you believe in. Those moments when the twisted writer in charge of our lives sticks a knife in our joy balloons and 'pop'. Those moments when you shake your fist at the sky and scream, 'WHYYYYYYYY?'

Yesterday had one such moment. I was in a bad mood anyway, largely due to work-related shenanigans, so I really wasn't up for being the butt of a cosmic joke in my lunch hour. Like I had any choice.

Every Monday I go to the Evil Supermarket That Needs No Further Publicity to pick up a few bits for my lunch. Apples, bananas, the one flavour of Ocean Spray (Cranberry & Blueberry) they don't sell online (obviously the type I want). Mostly good healthy fair. On my way to the checkouts I always glance down the snacks aisle where the temptation of Marmite Cashew Nuts waves at me from its over-priced shelf. Much as I love this particular delicacy, £1.63 always seems too much to spend, so normally I sigh ruefully and carry on about my business. No Marmite Cashew Nuts for me this week. Maybe when they have them on special offer...

Cut to this weekend. An unpleasant sight greets me in the bathroom mirror as I step out of the shower. I quote Harry Chapin: "I've got a tyre around my gut from sitting on my butt". The back problems (yes, still ongoing) are preventing me exercising as much as I might. I need to lose some weight. Right then - strict regime. Watch my diet for the next few weeks. While I can still fit in the bathroom door.

And so to Monday. The Supermarket. A bad mood already. The long walk to the checkout. A glance down the snacks aisle... Marmite Cashew Nuts - HALF PRICE! Oh, man, too good to pass up. My sweaty little hand reaches up to grab a packet from the shelf. And then I remember... cashew nuts: high fat content. OK, it's "good" fat (a concept which was surely invented by nut farmers)... but it's still fat. I can hardly break my diet on the first day, can I? But why do they have to be half price this week? Why? Why? Whyyyyy?

As flies to wanton boys are we to th' gods,
They kill us for their sport.

In that awful moment, I seriously feel like crying at the unfairness of it all.

Tell me about your last The Universe Hates Me moment. Go on, I need cheering up.

This Takes The Biscuit

In work's kitchen this morning, I found a couple of fig rolls on a plate left over from a meeting. I couldn't stop myself. I haven't had a fig roll in years.

In tribute, I briefly considered compiling my Top Ten Biscuits and seeing whether fig rolls truly deserve a place amongst the gingerbread, jammy dodgers, fruit shrewsburies, chocolate digestives and chocolate chip cookies. (I'm trusting that my American readers are savvy enough to not question my definition of the word 'biscuit'... though I do sometimes wonder why us proud Brits muddied the waters of that particular transatlantic anomaly by part-adopting cookie too.) But then I realised... it's Friday, I'd rather just see here and eat a biscuit than actually write about them. (I might have to go get a coffee to have with them.)

What's your favourite biscuit?

If forced to choose in front of a firing squad, I'd probably have to say ginger. I do like a nice ginger biscuit...