Going South (6): Miscellanea

A final collection of photos from our incredible journey to Wiltshire, Dorset and The South, a land where dogs drive 4x4s...

Where the Bastard Brothers are kind to their sisters...

Where black sheep graze a giant chalk penis...

Where owls and vultures prowl...

Where you always have to keep an eye out for tanks crossing....

And where the sparrows pose for photos.

Thanks to everyone in The South for welcoming us during our holiday and not shooting us for being ignorant northerners.

Going South (5): Dorchester Dinosaur Musem

Have you noticed how high tech a lot of museums and tourist attractions are becoming these days. They're not content unless they're bursting to the seems with 3D computer simulations, interactive holograms, teleporters and Hadron Colliders. Not like when I were a lad when museums were all "Do Not Touch" signs, plastic replicas of squirrel droppings and dusty fossils. Having said that, sometimes I long for the simple times. It's like Doctor Who. The modern day monsters might be impressively realistic CGI creations but there's still nothing as scary as a dustbin with a sink plunger on top. Maybe our imaginations worked a little harder back in them days...

All of which brings us to the next stop on our journey south, the Dorchester Dinosaur Museum - where the ancient relics are more than just the skulls of sabre toothed tigers and woolly mammoth tusks. Many of the exhibits here transported me back in time not just to the Jurassic Age, but to the museums of my youth, before everything came with bells, whistles and flashing lights to grab our attention deficient youth. (What a fogey I must sound. Isn't it ace?)

That's not to say this museum was entirely without audio visual or interactive elements. For the former, there was a video of Jurassic Park on continuous loop. And for the latter... who needs computer games when you've got red plastic plates? Simply press the "button" to reveal the answer...

They certainly kept me entertained. Well, them and the huge plastic dinosaur that greeted us as we arrived...

Going South (4): Lulworth Cove & Durdle Door

The best weather we had during our visit to Dorset came on the day of our visit to Lulworth Cove, a stunning horseshoe cove backed by white chalk cliffs. Sitting there on the beach, watching the waves lap on the shore and the pesky seagulls bobbing on the water, we experienced a moment of rare tranquility. (Well, rare for me and Louise.) Next time I'm faced with one of those relaxation exercises involving visualisation, this is the place I will picture.

Just a few minute's drive up the coast (or one heck of a hike if you've brought the right shoes) we found another famous Dorset landmark.

Durdle Door is a naturally formed limestone archway through which the sea crashes daily. I know bugger all about geology, but I do know that Durdle Door was the location for the video shoot of 'Shout' by Tears For Fears. I wore my bright red socks, rolled up above the top of my boots, in tribute to Roland and Curt.



You might also recognise it from the videos to Tears Of The Dragon by Bruce Dickinson and Savior's Day by Cliff Richard. Truly a location frequented by both God and The Antichrist. Louise and I fit in perfectly.

Going South (3) Shaftesbury

The only thing I knew of Shaftesbury was its famous Gold Hill: the location of "Britain's favourite TV advert", as directed by Sir Ridley Scott in 1973.



It doesn't look much different today, though you're lucky if you can take pictures like the ones here... I had to wait 20 minutes for a break in the tourists. Bloody tourists.

Worst are the ones who insist on re-enacting the Hovis ad for their own amusement. Without even bothering to bring a bike...

What I didn't know about Shaftesbury is something even more breathtakingly picturesque - Park Walk, a long, tree-lined promenade looking out across Blackmore Vale and towards Glastonbury Tor. Unusually for the area, Shaftesbury is a town built on top of a great hill, and as such it's one of the highest towns in England (not to mention one of the oldest). The view from Park Walk is stunning... photos, I'm sad to say, don't do it justice. Go there on a day of big clouds like these for the ultimate spectacle.

Going South (2): Monkey World

When we first arrived at Monkey World, we were worried a better name for the place might be "Spot The Monkey World". It was a windy, chilly day and despite having large enclosures full of climbing frames, nets and other exciting outdoor toys, most of the chimps were huddled up inside. Fortunately the sun soon came out, and so did the monkeys.

Monkey World is an Ape Rescue Centre dedicated to combating worldwide monkey smuggling and offering rehabilitation to rescued primates. Some of the monkeys here have health problems due to neglect or abuse they suffered in previous captivity and probably wouldn't be able to survive in the wild anymore. At Monkey World they're encouraged to live in natural social groups to aid in their recovery. The centre was founded by the late Jim Cronin who dedicated his life to the conservation and welfare of monkeys everywhere.

Our favourites were the orangutans, particularly Oshine, an older female who suffered weight problems having been fed on a human diet of junk food while being raised illegally as a pet by a family in South Africa. Oshine's social group also a included a younger female orangutan and a tiny toddler. These two squabbled and play-fought like human children, but when the older girl got a little too rough with her young step-brother, Oshine stepped in, took the little one's hand, and walked him away like a mother walking her child to school. I don't really do "sweet", but that was one of the sweetest things I've ever seen.

Slightly less sweet was the moment when the young female orangutan hung spread-eagled before us with her ladybits pressed up against the window. We might have found her innocence charming had not the assorted apes on our side of the glass not started clicking away with their camera phones to capture this image for perverted posterity. Still, we can't blame the monkeys for our own vile and disgusting ways. It's at times like these you realise the human race really doesn't deserve this planet... maybe it is time to give it back to the apes.