And so I bid fond farewell to another favourite TV show, as Jack Bauer finally hangs up his torture implements and gives his tonsils a rest from all that shouting... well, at least until the rumoured 24 movie anyway. (Wow, that'll be almost as long a film as Lord Of The Rings!)
24 started ridiculous, then went out of its way to get ever more so as the years progressed. It didn't so much jump the shark or nuke the fridge as torture the shark by cutting it up into small (yet still alive) pieces, stuff them into a fridge, nuke the whole of the country containing the fridge, then resurrect the shark only to poison it with anthrax, kills its family, connect its genitals to a car battery, and have its remains savaged by a mountain lion. Only then the shark would turn out to have been working for a fictional Middle Eastern country all along. Or was it?
But if you were willing to suspend your disbelief - your sheer incredulity - there was no more exciting, adrenaline-packed way of spending 18 hours (minus commercials) and in Jack Bauer we found another great hero for our times, one who could stand proud with Bond and Bourne as a man who would do anything... no, really, anything... to get the job done.
In tribute then, here's my Top Ten (musical) suggestions for what Jack can do next...
10. The House That Jack Built (Aretha Franklin)
Jack builds a house for his daughter Kim only to discover that all the builders are actually working for the Russian mob. When they kidnap Kim because there's a 'y' in the month and she hasn't been kidnapped this episode yet (surely some oversight!), Jack gets medieval on their eyelids with power tools and vinegary salad dressing.
9. Jumpin' Jack Flash (The Rolling Stones)
Jack is given his toughest assignment ever. He must jump up and down on the spot for 24 hours without pausing to eat, sleep, breathe or go weewee, whilst simultaneously flashing every passerby with Little Jack. If he doesn't complete his mission, Big Bird from Sesame Street , Count Duckula, and Hamble and Big Ted from Play School will be senselessly slaughtered. With a chainsaw. And sticklebricks.
8. Jack Singer (Ricky Ross)
Jack goes undercover on X-Factor. Simon Cowell finally gets what's coming to him.
7. Jack On Fire (Blanche)
Terrorists capture Jack and try to force him to complete their Rubix Cube. When he won't play ball they douse him with a mixture of nitroglycerin, magnesium and gasoline then set fire to his writhing, twitching, teeth-gritting body and watch it burn for 24 hours straight. After which Jack gets really pissed off and kicks their tonsils into orbit.
6. Jackhammer Blues (Woody Guthrie)
It's Jack... with a hammer. A fucking massive hammer. You can guess the rest.
5. Jack Names The Planets (Ash)
Jack thinks the planets in our solar system have very suspicious names. Mars? Jupiter? Neptune? It's all some damned Roman conspiracy! Then there's bloody Earth. What a shit name Earth is - why didn't they just call it Dirt and have done with it? Jack decides to deal with the problem once and for all by detonating eight planet-sized nukes (plus a tiny asteroid-sized nuke for Pluto, which might not actually be a planet anymore but still... "IT'S NAMED AFTER A DAMNED DISNEY DOG, CHLOE!") and starting the galaxy again from scratch. Luckily the wind is blowing eastwards that day so none of the nuclear fall-out affects him. Or anyone else we care about.
4. Jack Killed Mom (Jenny Lewis)
Your mum has information vital to stopping a terrorist attack on Mothercare and only Jack Bauer can get it out of her. I'm so very, very sorry.
3. Hit The Road, Jack (Ray Charles)
Jack goes on a road trip across America but is horrified by the state of the nation's highways. "DAMN IT, CHLOE - THERE'S JUST TOO MANY POTHOLES!" He solves the problem by pounding every single inch of tarmac from the east coast to the west with his own face until it's all levelled out and nobody will ever get a puncture again.
2. Smackwater Jack (Carole King)
Undercover CTU moles trick our hero into going back on smack (remember season 3?) but he soon discovers it has no effect on him whatsoever. It's like drinking a glass of aired water for someone as hard as Jack Bauer. So he decides to completely eliminate the drug trade by torturing every single addict in the world, one by one, with garden shears, pliers, and Ricky Martin records, until they're all as tough - and immune to everything - as he is.
1. Jack & Diane (John Mellencamp)
Jack uncovers the truth behind the conspiracy to murder Princess Diana, storms the palace with a sponge and a rusty spanner, bites off one of Charles's ears (it keeps him going for about a week), and gets savaged by a pack of the Queen's rabid corgis.
