My Week On The Web

Over at The Mixtape Lives On, we're gearing up for 2012 with my favourite songs about the End of the World. This week, that's included classic offerings from Johnny Cash, The Clash, The Handsome Family and Barry Maguire. We also played another great List Song by The Jim Carroll Band (about all his dead friends), new music from Low Roar - with the sublime title of "Friends Make Garbage, True Friends Take It Out" and continued my countdown of the best albums of 2011 with Noah & The Whale.

Elsewhere on the web this week, Dan from All That Comes With It broke his vow to never blog again by setting up a rival Slawit blog. Hey, I'm not worried - I can stand the competition!

Ryan and James Lindsay, my brothers from down under began their appeal to gather financing for their short film Soap - the story of a man who must wash his hands every hour, on the hour. Being a little bit OCD myself, I can sympathise...

Sam Johnson began teasing his new comic book...



And I discovered this year's heaviest Christmas record from Krashkarma...



...the music may not be to your liking, but the video's worth watching to see what happens when McCauley Culkin meets Freddie Krueger.



That was my week on the web - how was yours?

It's All About Meme

Stolen from Sunday Stealing...

1) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Buy my comic.

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Today, I feel like saying Stan Lee.

3) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Los Angeles circa 1940, when Raymond Chandler and Philip Marlowe walked those streets.

4) What do you think about most?

Stories.

5) You have the opportunity to spend a romantic night with the music celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

If you'd asked me this when I was 16, I'd have replied Carol Decker. Today though...?

Amanda Palmer. Not because I fancy her, just to piss Neil Gaiman off.

6) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

What doesn't kill you just makes you stronger. Most of the horrible experiences in my past have proved inspirational fodder for stories...

7) What's your strangest talent?

Being able to sleep with headphones on.

8) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?

Where did you bury the body?

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Of course. Morrissey just doesn't realise it.

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?

The last time I heard this...

11) Do you have any strange phobias?

Gumpophobia: The Fear of Tom Hanks.

12) What's your religion?

True believer (see question 2).

13) What is your current desktop picture?

14) When you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Walking.

15) What's the last song you listened to?

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Not at all simple. The obvious answer would be The Smiths... but a more contemporary answer would be The Indelicates.

17) What was the last lie you told?

"No, I don't want to go home."

18) Do you believe in karma?

I'm scared to say no, just in case...

19) What is a saying you say a lot?

"Hey, man, this is a private residence!"

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

i) Being rubbish at everything.

ii) Fooling people into believing I'm not.

21) Who is your celebrity crush?

Kate Winslet's restraining order has barred me from answering this question.

22) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: heart.

Tragically, it was 'beat'. I must be a closet Nick Berry fan. I claim Buddy Holly.

23) How do you vent your anger?

With a silent scream.

24) Do you have a collection of anything?

Comics, though it's rapidly dwindling. Music. Books.

25) What is your favorite word?

Coffee. Hmm, coffee...

The Captcha Code

I don't know about you, but I object to the fact that whenever I'm given a captcha code to fill out during my daily online meanderings, not only am I verifying my true identity as a human being rather than a robot, cyborg or a breakfast TV presenter... I'm also helping boffins decipher old texts.

A lot of those wavy captcha texts (particularly the ones you struggle to decipher and often end up keying in the wrong word and having to pick an alternative) are taken straight from digitised books, magazines and sacred scrolls... and because computers are too dumbass to read them properly, us human lackeys are being made to do their job - for free!

I object to this on two fronts: firstly, now I'm self-employed, I want paying for my work as a translator - I reckon five quid per captcha isn't too much to ask; and secondly... this all feels a little Dan Brown to me. Not only do I not want anyone to mistake me for Tom Hanks... but what if I accidentally decipher a captcha that foretells the end of the world... 40 days of rain (or worse, 40 days of frog rain)... or that Homebase will be closing early next Sunday?

How can I live with that kind of responsibility?

So in future, no more captcha codes for me. Apart from the one in the comments section on this blog. I promise there's no hidden text deciphering involved there.

Speaking of hidden codes - this week's thoughtballoons character is The Riddler (my choice), so do pop over to the thoughtballoons site and check out our 1-page scripts. My own offering, "Wise Men Fold", started the week... and there's more head-scratchers to come...

Top Ten People I Don't Want To Follow On Twitter

Twitter has started helpfully suggesting people I might like to follow, presumably based on the people I already follow. Some of these suggestions are making me angry. Very angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

This blog post is rated 15. Contains images of a disturbing nature and one instance of *very* strong language. Don't say you weren't warned.

10. Derren Brown - smug conjurer who really ought to spell his name with an 'a'.

9. Rich Johnson - arrogant, self-important comics gossip-columnist boob who takes special joy in pointing out errors of subbing, proofreading, continuity et al. Not itself a crime unless one makes far more basic errors oneself - such as not knowing how to spell Electro or that The Lizard was never a member of The Sinister Six.

8. Ashton Kutcher - for this, Demi ditched Bruce?

7. Fearne Cotton - DJ. Makes Jo Whiley sound interesting.

6. Neil Gaiman - ridiculously arrogant "rock star" writer who poses for author photographs dressed in leathers and riding a Harley - which is fine if you're Jim Steinman, but not if you specialise in fey goth-centred gibberish in which every one of your characters goes on endlessly about "the mystical power of stories". I'm sorry, I know you like him. Try not to hate me too much for disagreeing with you.

5. Jim Carrey - gurning "comedy" twat.

4. Russell Brand - another so-called comedian (yes, yes, humour is subjective, blah blah) whose comedy seems based entirely on a) his silly voice, b) his stupid hair, and c) his ridiculous sex-life; career-building popstar husband; and the man who singlehandedly ruined Radio 2 (by bragging about the fact that he once shagged Manuel's daughter, upsetting the Daily Mail, and bringing about the resignation of Programme Controller Lesley Douglas, leading to her replacement by someone who quite clearly doesn't have a clue what he's doing). Yes, he likes Morrissey, but he's still a tosser.

3. Mark Millar - ego-maniacal comics writer who is excellent at writing about how excellent he is... not so excellent at writing comics that don't rely heavily on clichéd shock value, unnecessary cynicism, and sub-Arnie one-liners.

2. Chris Evans* - DJ. Cunt.

1. Tom Hanks - Gump**.




*No, not Captain America.

**I did warn you I was going to use the 'G' word.