My Captain America Movie Review

Everyone's been asking for my Captain America review. Do you people have nothing better to do with your lives than wonder what this particular Zombie thought of the latest Marvel blockbuster? I'm a very busy man, you know. I can't just be reviewing every film I've seen as soon as I've seen it. Oh, very well...

The capsule review goes like this: I enjoyed Captain America. I thought it was fun. Not as much fun as Thor. Not as much fun as The Incredible Hulk. Certainly not as much fun as Iron Man. (But a load more fun than Iron Man 2.)

I liked the way Chris Evans portrayed Steve Rogers' journey from zero to hero. I liked Hugo Weaving's boo-hiss Red Skull. I liked Tommy Lee Jones. I like Hayley Atwell. I liked Stanley Tucci. I liked Toby Jones. There wasn't anything not to like. I just wanted to like it more.

I wanted Evans to be more charismatic (I know he can - Johnny Storm proved that). I wanted the Skull and Zola to be more diabolical. I wanted Tommy Lee Jones to have funnier / grumpier lines. I wanted Bucky's tragic fate to have more impact. I wanted the romance with Peggy Carter to have more heart. I wanted Cap to live up to the Indiana Jones template, but it was never going to happen.

The problem is Captain America himself. Created in the 40s, he's the archetypal square-jawed hero. He only really becomes interesting as a man out of time. To be everything he needs to be in the present day, Steve Rogers needs to be rather dull and L7 in the past. He's no Indiana Jones. He's no Johnny Storm. He's just a too-good-to-be-true hero like the ones we grew up watching in the old black and white movie reels. (No, I'm not that old - I watched them on Saturday morning telly.) And that's just what Marvel gave us here - a modern day movie reel. There was no room for sly winks to the camera like Harrison Ford would have done. I might have enjoyed that more, but it just wouldn't have been appropriate for Captain Whitebread.

Still, it was nice to see a cameo from the original Human Torch. Sadly no Namor though. Wonder if Marvel Studios don't own the rights to Subby?

Top Ten People I Don't Want To Follow On Twitter

Twitter has started helpfully suggesting people I might like to follow, presumably based on the people I already follow. Some of these suggestions are making me angry. Very angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

This blog post is rated 15. Contains images of a disturbing nature and one instance of *very* strong language. Don't say you weren't warned.

10. Derren Brown - smug conjurer who really ought to spell his name with an 'a'.

9. Rich Johnson - arrogant, self-important comics gossip-columnist boob who takes special joy in pointing out errors of subbing, proofreading, continuity et al. Not itself a crime unless one makes far more basic errors oneself - such as not knowing how to spell Electro or that The Lizard was never a member of The Sinister Six.

8. Ashton Kutcher - for this, Demi ditched Bruce?

7. Fearne Cotton - DJ. Makes Jo Whiley sound interesting.

6. Neil Gaiman - ridiculously arrogant "rock star" writer who poses for author photographs dressed in leathers and riding a Harley - which is fine if you're Jim Steinman, but not if you specialise in fey goth-centred gibberish in which every one of your characters goes on endlessly about "the mystical power of stories". I'm sorry, I know you like him. Try not to hate me too much for disagreeing with you.

5. Jim Carrey - gurning "comedy" twat.

4. Russell Brand - another so-called comedian (yes, yes, humour is subjective, blah blah) whose comedy seems based entirely on a) his silly voice, b) his stupid hair, and c) his ridiculous sex-life; career-building popstar husband; and the man who singlehandedly ruined Radio 2 (by bragging about the fact that he once shagged Manuel's daughter, upsetting the Daily Mail, and bringing about the resignation of Programme Controller Lesley Douglas, leading to her replacement by someone who quite clearly doesn't have a clue what he's doing). Yes, he likes Morrissey, but he's still a tosser.

3. Mark Millar - ego-maniacal comics writer who is excellent at writing about how excellent he is... not so excellent at writing comics that don't rely heavily on clichéd shock value, unnecessary cynicism, and sub-Arnie one-liners.

2. Chris Evans* - DJ. Cunt.

1. Tom Hanks - Gump**.




*No, not Captain America.

**I did warn you I was going to use the 'G' word.