Top Ten Space Alien Songs

I know, I promised you my Top Ten Astronaut songs this week... but with the release of Prometheus, this one seemed too good an opportunity to miss.

This Top Ten is also dedicated to the late Ray Bradbury, one of my favourite authors. Something Wicked This Way Comes is among the greatest novels ever written.



10. Arctic Monkeys - Space Invaders

A Monkeys rarity. Can't remember where it came from. It's an Unidentified Playing Object.

9. Magnetic Fields - Alien Being

You talk a lot about nothing at all
Watch TV shows about nothing at all
Think a lot about nothing at all
Listen to songs about nothing at all

You write the laws about nothing at all
Make 3D films about nothing at all
Stage happenings about nothing at all
Sound and light shows about nothing at all

You complain about nothing at all
Go insane about nothing at all

You have no feelings
I think you are an alien being

8. Neil Hannon - Aliens

Another rarity: it's not often you hear Neil Hannon releasing a song under his real name. This was part of an Oxfam charity album called The Cake Sale. It's really quite lovely.

7. Dweeb - Chart Raider Space Invader

Dweeb were a late 90s indie band who sounded quite a lot like Ash and had most success with their excellent single Scooby Doo. This was their debut record... good luck in tracking it down!

6. Soko - I Thought I Was An Alien

Kind of a French Bjork, Soko transfixed me a couple of years back with her superb stalker anthem I'll Kill Her. Apparently she hates it now she's grown up a bit. Because I haven't grown up, I still love it. I Thought I Was An Alien is the title track of her latest album.

5. Dan Bern - Talkin' Alien Abduction Blues

In which Dan Bern gets abducted by aliens who strap him down, stick a probe up his nose... and start critiquing his songwriting.

Then they waved this wand around my head
Said, "Now we're reading your thoughts, you see
You got an awful lot of songs in there
Though it seems they're all in the key of G"

I said "What about Marilyn? That's in D"
They said "D flat, actually"
I said, "Yeah, because I tune it down a half step
What about Hannibal?"
They said "What about Hannibal?"
I said "Well, technically, it's in G
But it's really a dropped D tuning capo'd up"

They said "How come you don't play the harmonica more?"
I said "How come I'm in a space ship
Talking to aliens about my act?"
They said, "We'd rather talk physics
But you're illiterate there"

Couldn't argue.

4. Fountains Of Wayne - I Want An Alien For Christmas

Top of the FOWs Xmas list: a little green guy about three feet high with 17 eyes who knows how to fly. Who wouldn't want one?

3. David Bowie - Starman / Loving The Alien

Can you believe it's 40 years since the release of Ziggy Stardust & The Spiders From Mars? I could easily have filled a Top Ten just from the Bowie back catalogue, but Starman is undoubtedly his greatest alien moment (and not just because it gave its name to the John Carpenter / Jeff Bridges movie). Loving The Alien can't compete, but it does feature one of crazy Davey's maddest videos.

2. Radiohead - Subterranean Homesick Alien

Like Bowie, Thom Yorke could easily have fallen to earth with a bump. Could this be his most autobiographical song?

I wish that they'd swoop down, in a country lane
Late at night when I'm driving
Take me on board their beautiful ship, show me the world as I'd love to see it
I'd tell all my friends but they'd never believe me
They'd think that I'd finally lost it completely
I'd show them the stars, and the meaning of life
They'd shut me away, but I'd be alright
Alright

1. The Carpenters - Calling Occupants Of Interplanetary Crafts (The Recognized Anthem of World Contact Day)

Originally recorded by Klaatu, who score an extra point for naming themselves after the alien hero of The Day The Earth Stood Still... but it's Karen Carpenter's version I consider definitive.



Those were my favourite alien anthems... but which one will you take to your leader?

Top Ten Man On The Moon Songs

OK, let's get back into space after last week's unrelated diversion... and where's the first stop on our journey?

There are far too many songs about the big blue cheese button to narrow down a Top Ten Moon Songs... so instead, here's 10 solely about taking a trip there.

10. Radiohead - Sail to the Moon (Brush the Cobwebs Out of the Sky.)

See, I might consider that bracketed subtitle pretentious... had Thom Yorke not stolen it from Bagpuss.

9. Super Furry Animals - Colonise The Moon

I vomited throughout your saxophone solo, sings Gruff Rhys, to whom I'm not sure. It's enough to make him want to leave the planet and set up his home Space 1999 style on Moonbase Alpha.

8. Love & Rockets - Holiday On The Moon

You can't get a suntan on the moon, reckon the band named after the comic.

7. Grinderman - Man In The Moon

Nick Cave's daddy was an astronaut. Now he's living on the moon...

6. Drive-By Truckers - Puttin' People on the Moon

The Truckers sing the working man's blues: while they're struggling to scrape by, another joker in the White House is puttin' people on the moon.

5. Eels - Climbing To The Moon

Got a sky that looks like heaven
Got an earth that looks like shit
It's getting hard to tell where
What I am ends
And what they're making me begins

No wonder E's got his foot on the ladder...

4. The Police - Walking On The Moon

I believe giant steps are in order.

3. ELO - Ticket To The Moon

Remember the good old 1980s?
When things were so uncomplicated?
I wish I could go back there again
And everything could be the same.

2. Frank Sinatra - Fly Me To The Moon

What's Spring like on Jupiter and Mars? Patience, Frank, we'll get to that in coming weeks.

1. REM - Man On The Moon

Oh, look, I found a version where Stipey duets with Bruce. That'll do nicely.



Got a favourite Man On The Moon song? Don't be shy about it...

Top Ten Breakdown Songs

Ten pop and rock stars stuck on the hard shoulder (or, like me, in a hedge) waiting for a tow truck. Let’s hope they all have Breakdown Cover.

10. Dale Watson - Flat Tire

If Johnny Cash had driven a truck, he might have sounded like Dale Watson.

9. Radiohead - Blow Out

Radiohead don't have a lot of luck on the road. First a blow out, then they crash their fast German car and only an airbag saves their life. They should stick to public transport.

8. The Handsome Family - Stalled

Brett Sparks stalls his pickup truck in the snow, far from town... then just sits there in the dark. As stories go, it's not a great one. There's no serial killer with a hook on his arm or anything. But it still sounds real good.

7. Tool - Lost Keys

Tool also appear to have lost the lyrics sheet.

6. Jesse Malin & Bruce Springsteen - Broken Radio

You probably wouldn't be too popular if you called up breakdown recovery with a problem like this... but if you ask me, the radio is possibly the most essential component of any automotive vehicle. Driving without due musical entertainment should be outlawed.

5. Paul Westerberg - Dirty Diesel

Dirty Diesel causes Paul Westerberg all manner of problems... particularly as his car takes unleaded. He's going to need a Replacement.

4. Adam & The Ants - Car Trouble

In which Adam Ant ends up having to push, push, push his light blue car all the way home. Serves him right for being a dandy highwayman.

3. Jackson Browne - Running On Empty

Jackson Browne runs out of gas, but not when it comes to songwriting.

2. Elbow - Puncture Repair

You could probably fix this one yourself with a just bit of Elbow grease, Guy.

1. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Breakdown

There were enough songs with ‘breakdown’ in the title to fill a Top Ten all by themselves. Tom Petty's debut single was the best.

Top Ten Self-Pity Songs (Volume 1)

Isn't self-pity great? I hereby declare it the most ace emotion ever! If I'm having a bad day, there's nothing more guaranteed to cheer me up than a good long bout of feeling sorry for myself.

You'd think that with all the money and groupies and cocaine and stuff, your average rock star wouldn't have much time for self-pity, yet they seem to get off on it almost as much as I do. Although to be fair, most of the anthems to self-loathing listed below come from early in the respective artist's career - by singing about how shit they felt, they made oodles of money and hence stopped feeling so shit about themselves... and then went on to stop writing such good songs, since happiness is rarely conducive to artistic greatness.

This is Volume 1 simply because there are so many great self-pity songs, I really couldn't narrow it down to just ten. I'll throw some more onto the fire the next time I'm feeling crappy. Do feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments box...


10. Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag

I don't care, I love this song. It encapsulates how shit it is to be a teenager, listening to Iron Maiden, unable to get the girl you want because she's dating a dick. The video features perpetual loser Jason Biggs trying to cop off with Mena Suvari (from Amy Heckerling's underrated teen-com Loser). The band followed this supreme ode to woe with an Erasure cover. Yes, a fucking ERASURE cover. They deserved to self-destruct after that. But as one-hit wonders go... wow.

9. Eels - Dog Faced Boy

Coming home from the school today
Crying all along the way
Ain't no way for a boy to be
Begging ma to shave me please

You little punks think you own this town
Well someday someone's gonna bring you down
Life ain't pretty for a dog faced boy

E from the Eels has built a career on feeling sorry for himself, and understandly so when you consider some of the things that have happened to him. That said, he's always aware that things could be worse. He could always have a face like a shaggy mongrel.

8. Strangelove - Freak

If your name was Duff, you might expect your life to follow suit. So cheesed off that fate had robbed him by leaving that all-important 'y' off the end of his name - otherwise he might have been The Man From Atlantis or Bobby Ewing - Patrick Duff formed Strangelove and channeled all his negativity into this...

I walk the plastic streets
Just like a monkey
Just like a geek
My scraping knuckles bleed
I hear my Mummy crying out
He's a freak
I live a life alone
And all my friends are gone
It kind of turns me on
I hate them one by one by one
I'm a freak

7. Mansun - What It's Like To Be Hated

A song so utterly depressing, I can't even find it on youtube.

How are you feeling today, Paul Draper?

Ugly, scruffy, no one

Really?

Nasty, bitter, enraged

Right...

Hated, broken

Oh, come on now, cheer up - it can't be that bad.

Disturbed, unwanted at birth
The fucking joke that we are
I've never had any friends

Fair enough then.

6. Simon & Garfunkel - I Am A Rock

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

See the genius of Paul Simon here is that, bad as he's feeling, he's actually convinced himself he's better off that way. There was a time in my life I lived by the following lines...

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.

And if it all falls apart at sometime in the future, I'll live by them again.

5. Teddy Thompson - Turning The Gun On Myself

I really should do a list of suicide anthems. And this really should be on it. But as it's possibly the best song Richard Thompson Jr.'s ever written, it deserves its place on this list too.

4. Eric Carmen - All By Myself

When Eric Carmen was young, he never needed anyone. Making love? Making love was just for fun! Sadly, those days are gone. Now he's living alone, thinking of all the friends he's known... but when he dials the telephone... nobody's home.

I don't know about you, but I'm welling up.

3. Beck - Loser

For many years, I thought that Beck sang "So - open up the door - I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?"

Only when it comes to writing this post do my investigations reveal he's actually singing "Soy un perdedor", which, according to the internet... is Spanish for "I'm a loser".

2. Radiohead - Creep

I wish I was special. Don't you?

1. The Smiths - I Know It's Over

Of course, I could have compiled an entire Self-Pity Top Ten just from Smiths songs. And I could have made a Top Hundred just from sticking pins at random in Morrissey's solo catalogue. But none of them would have been quite as majestically miserable as this. It begins with Morrissey climbing into an empty bed he equates with a grave... and goes rapidly downhill from there. He then imagines a relationship with a potential partner who turns round and says to him these immortal words...

"If you're so funny
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
And if you're so clever
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very entertaining
Then why are you on your own tonight ?
If you're so very good-looking
Why do you sleep alone tonight ?
I know ...
'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms..."

If you've never sat alone late at night and asked yourself these questions... count yourself very, very lucky.



There - don't you feel better now?

30 Songs - Day 6

Day 06 - A Song That Reminds You Of Somewhere



The first time I flew the nest I was in my early 20s. I'd just come out of an ill-advised and emotionally scarring relationship and I thought what I needed most to sort my life out was a place of my own. Unfortunately, the only place I could afford was a shitty one-down two-up hovel perched precariously over the motorway with pleasant factory views, neighbours who liked to party (and park right outside my front door) and a cold, sterile bathroom. It was the worst six months of my life. While I was there (over Christmas too), my dad was rushed into hospital, my dog died, and a girl I really, really liked made it clear it wasn't ever going to be mutual.

I drank a lot while I was there. I developed a taste for red wine and vodka and cultivated my interest in whiskey and Jack. A trip to the supermarket wasn't complete without spending at least £15 on spirits. I stayed up late watching DVDs on a tiny TV (that I'd forgot to buy a TV license for), drinking till I was sleepy enough to make it through the night. The staircase was really steep; more than once I remember climbing up to the bedroom on my hands a knees.

I'm sure I listened to a lot of music while I lived in that house. I was working in the record library at the time so getting loads of freebie CDs and gig tickets. It was probably around the time Britpop started imploding, so my album of choice was more than likely This Is Hardcore, the perfect soundtrack to my life right at that moment (and, ironically, my favourite record of the 90s).

But it's not Pulp that reminds me of that house, and that dark, dark time. It's not Radiohead either, though they would be similarly appropriate. Actually, it's Sonny & Cher, I Got You Babe. My overriding memory is of watching Groundhog Day on DVD, struggling to laugh, hearing that song come round again and again and again...

A couple of mates rescued me a few months later, offering me a room in a shared house in a much more pleasant area, and happier times (while they lasted). I'll always be grateful to Matt and Greg (and Dave, who was moving out) for getting me out of that pit.