Countdown To 40: A Song A Year - Thirtysomething Else

In the last ten years, all the really good music ran screaming from the charts and founds its audience underground. Is that the sound of a 40 year-old muso talking? Perhaps. Perhaps that's what 40 year old blokes have always thought. But I remember all those 40 year old blokes buying Blur and Oasis albums and feeling like a teenager again 15 years ago. And that's how I feel when I listen to the latest by The Indelicates, Cosmo Jarvis or Frank Turner. The difference is none of those artists ever bother the single chart. Because people don't buy singles in the same way they used to. Does the singles chart truly represent what's popular in music anymore? Wiser minds that mine have tried to puzzle that one out. And that's not why I'm here today. I'm just here to conclude my countdown to...

In case you missed 'em:

The first ten years...

The troublesome teens...

20 Is The New Teenage...

And now - the last ten years...


31 (2003) The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army

I surprised myself with this one. I'd pretty much given the year to Stacy's Mom, the ultimate 80's AOR throwback anthem from the mighty, mighty Fountains of Wayne. And then I remembered this little ditty, with the greatest guitar riff of the 21st Century (so far). Damn it if Jack White doesn't steal the crown. But the FoW boys came close.

Do you really care what was Number #1 on my birthday in 2003? For completeness' sake, I'll tell you. Gareth Gates featuring The Kumars - "Spirit In The Sky". I'm starting to regret having a birthday right after Comic Relief.

32 (2004) Morrissey - First Of The Gang To Die

A helluva year to judge. Bowling For Soup's 1985 might have stolen it (even though that does say more about the 80s than the noughties). Or what about Shatner & Rollins together? What do you mean you can't get behind that? OK then, how about Bill's Common People duet with Joe Jackson? Not convinced? Philistines.

You Are The Quarry was Morrissey's great comeback moment, bristling with attitude and energy. He's made better records, but none that managed to catch the zeitgeist in quite the same way. For a moment, he was an international superstar, and First Of The Gang was his tribute to an adoring Mexican fanbase. Not bad for a Stretford lad with Irish Blood & English Heart, or an album that was mostly a great big f-u to his many "enemies" (real and imagined).

In the charts? Cha Cha Slide by DJ Casper. Me neither.

33 (2005) Arctic Monkeys - I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor

"Don't believe the hype," says Alex Turner as he introduces this - a genuine Number One hit single in both the singles chart and mine. Wow - how often does that happen? This takes us back to the days when the internet could actually break a new band. Before everybody jumped on that wagon.

A number of songs came close - my favourite Eels track, Things The Grandchildren Should Know; my favourite HMHB tune, For What Is Chatteris...; even Martha Wainwright's touching tribute to her father, Bloody Motherfucking Asshole; and, of course, anything from Art Brut's glorious debut album. Particularly appropriate would be Bad Weekend, because... well, popular culture no longer applies to me.

Speaking of which: my birthday chart #1? McFly. Less offensive than the rest of this decade.

34 (2006) The Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice

There was fierce competition from Jarvis, Guillemots and the Arctic Monkeys. Among others. Not Ready To Make Nice sprang from a battle between the Dixie Chicks and George W. Bush and ended as the Dixie Chicks versus the whole of conservative America. And somehow the Dixie Chicks won. If you don't know the story behind it, it's worth reading this. For that alone, they deserve 2006. Plus, it's nice to have a country record in this chart. Variety is the spice, etc. etc.

35 (2007) Dan Le Sac Vs. Scroobius Pip - Thou Shalt Always Kill

Thou shalt not think any man over the age of 30 who chooses a "hiphop" track as his favourite song of the year is just trying to be cool.

Thou shalt judge this on its own merits, not your own prejudices.

Thou shalt not make repetitive, generic music.

Thou shalt not make repetitive, generic music.

Thou shalt give equal worth to the De La Soul remix.

Thou shalt not look at yourself in the mirror while you're crying: your eyes already know.

Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.

Thou shalt always kill.

For 60 of my favourite songs from 2007, you can go here. This process gets a whole lot easier now I have a blog to refer back to. The Manics almost clinched the top spot with an amazing single from an incredible album at a point in their career when most bands are winding down and coasting on former glories. It even made #2 in them there meaningless singles charts. But it didn't rewrite the Ten Commandments like Scroobius did.

At #1 in them there meaningless singles charts? Sugababes vs Girls Aloud - "Walk This Way". Another Comic Relief song, I suspect. I'm just glad I've never heard it.

36 (2008) The Indelicates - We Hate The Kids

This record made me feel that same teenage passion for music I'd felt at different points in my life for Bruce, The Smiths, Jarvis et al. If the singles charts truly represented what it feels like to be a teenager, then this song would have been Number One for a year. If the NME had any balls (oh, look, is that Noel Gallagher on the cover again - how cutting edge), The Indelicates would be on the front every week. My favourite single of the 21st Century from my favourite album of the 21st Century by my favourite band of the 21st Century. Not some croaky old fuddy duddies I've been listening to all my life, but a bright, young, vibrant band bursting with ideas and attitude and intelligence.

Every generation gets fooled again
And every generation is to blame...

The rest of 2008 can be found here. Apologies to Elbow: in any other year, One Day Like This would have made it.

(We Hate The Kids might originally have been released as a single prior to 2008, but I only discovered it as part of the Indelicates' debut album, American Demo, and that's why it's here. Just in case you're a pedant.)

And in the charts? Basshunter featuring DJ Mental Theos - "Now You"...

No more music, thank you and goodnight.

37 (2009) Frank Turner - Try This At Home

'Cause there's no such thing as rockstars
There's just people who play music
And some of them are just like us
And some of them are dicks
So, quick turn off your stereo
Pick up that pen and paper
Yeah, you can do much better
Than some skinny half-arsed English country singer

Many of my other favourite songs from 2009 can be found here.

And at #1 in the charts as I turned 37? Another Comic Relief single. A good song, by a comedian I like, but I still prefer the original.

38 (2010) Cee Lo Green - Fuck You

It could have gone to either Frank or The Indelicates again, but I still think the greatest pop single of 2010 was this. (And it was a genuine pop hit too - though swearing always helps that.) Maybe I'm just a sucker for combining classic Motown production values with cuss words. Maybe you think I should have grown out of this record by now? You know what I say to that?

Many more of my favourites from 2010 can be heard here.

And at #1 in the unreal world? Pass Out by Tinie Tempah. At least it's not another bloody Comic Relief song.

39 (2011) Lana Del Rey - Video Games

Once again, both Frank Turner and The Indelicates could have swiped the crown, as could Cosmo Jarvis, Fleet Foxes, Noah & The Whale... any of the artists on this list. But I'd be lying if I didn't choose the most mesmerising record of last year. The album's pretty good too - though it does remind me of Like A Prayer era Madonna a lot more than I expected. Nothing wrong with that though, Like A Prayer era Madonna is my favourite. Nothing on the record is quite as "Joni Mitchell sings in a Twin Peaks bar" as this one song though.

And last year's Number One on the 19th of March? Just The Way You Are (Amazing) by my popstar doppleganger, Bruno Mars. Hoorah!

Which brings us to 40. No idea what my favourite record will be this year... and I don't really care what'll be at #1 as my life finally begins next Monday. Because, you know what? I hate the kids, I'm not ready to make nice, a seven nation army couldn't hold me back, I shalt always kill and I'll probably be the first of the gang to die. Anyone spot a theme? In that case, I'll leave the last word to Cee-Lo...

Countdown To 40: A Song A Year - 20 Is The New Teenage

The first ten years...

The troublesome teens...

And now, part 3 of my Countdown to...

21 (1993) Aimee Mann - I Should've Known

If I were being retroactive, I'd pick something like OU or Razzmatazz from the Pulp: Intro album, but sadly I didn't discover Jarvis till the following year. I did discover Aimee Mann in '93 though and even chose her debut solo record, Whatever, as my album of the year. Mr. Harris is probably my favourite track from that disc now, but this is the one that made me love Aimee at the time.

Meanwhile, the singles chart had fallen off a cliff. Number One as I got the key to the door? Oh Carolina by Shaggy.

22 (1994) Morrissey - Now My Heart Is Full

And I just can't explain so I won't even try to

Jarvis almost made it home once again, I could have gone with just about anything from His 'n' Hers. But then there's Vauxhall & I. Could this be Morrissey's finest 39 minutes as a solo artist?

I told you the birthday number ones just get worse and worse. March 19th, 1994? Doop. By Doop. Sadly, not this one...

23 (1995) Pulp - Common People

All hail Britpop, and its greatest hero finally makes it home. I could have chosen Sorted For E's & Whizz, but I'd just be being contrary.

Meanwhile in the charts... Love Can Build A Bridge by Cher, Chrissie Hynde, Neneh Cherry and Eric Clapton. Who all should have known better.

24 (1996) Ocean Colour Scene - The Day We Caught The Train

At last, proof that my favourite singles don't always come from my favourite albums. This was the year of Everything Must Go, Beautiful Freak and Murder Ballads... yet the song that most reminds me of my second stab at being a teenager is this exuberant blast of sunshiny retro-pop from Ocean Colour Scene. Hard to believe they were the first band I ever saw live.

Meanwhile, back in the charts... How Deep Is Your Love? Shallow, when it comes to the Take That version. Not so shallow they couldn't drown a few Gibb brothers in it.

25 (1997) Blur - Song 2

Blur were a great singles band and this was their greatest moment. Two minutes of noisy power pop that never fail to make me go "Woo hoo!" While Radiohead, The Verve and Gene were darkening my long player collection, Damon and the lads kept me smiling. This year's runner-up was a hymn to optimism from James: Tomorrow.

And in an alternate reality to my own, The Spice Girls were having their 4th Number One as I reached my mid-20s. I can't even remember the title.

26 (1998) The New Radicals - You Get What You Give

Another song that stands out by not belonging to one of the year's best albums. 1998 gave us my favourite record of the 90s, Pulp's public breakdown on This Is Hardcore. But the single of the year belongs to Gregg Alexander, a man who hated being a rock star so much he went off and wrote songs for Ronan Keating.

Sadly, I can't find my other favourite single of 1998 on youtube. Child Psychology by Black Box Recorder must be too dark for the video collective.

March 19th 1998, the Number One was It's Like That by Run DMC vs. Jason Nevins. Which is a damn sight better than we've managed throughout the rest of this decade so far.

27 (1999) Travis - Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

I thought long and hard about this one. It would have been so much cooler to pick something by The Magnetic Fields (69, my favourite album of '99), The Flaming Lips or even Ooberman, but as much as Fran Healey has damaged his limited rep by writing MOR-pap for the last 10+ years, this is still a perfect gloomy-pop song that captures a snapshot of my life in 1999. I remember watching them play it live at a festival just before they went big, in the rain. Perfect.

Besides, it could have been worse. I could have chosen my last birthday Number One of the 20th Century. Boyzone murdering Billy Ocean. When The Going Gets Tough... the tough put their hands over their ears and go lalalalalalalala.

28 (2000) Everclear - Wonderful

Neither of my two favourite singles of 2000 meant much to the public at large. I've written about Black Box Recorder's The Facts Of Life before, but Wonderful by Everclear is a curio. An American band who have never bothered the British charts, this is their greatest moment. More upbeat power-pop packed with smiley hooks, handclaps and a 'na-na-na' chorus... masking a dark lyrical undertow.

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

Far less Wonderful, my first birthday chart-topper of the 21st Century: Bag It Up by Geri Halliwell. WTF? Is that Geri singing about her shopping? I'm not sure I've ever even heard that record. I am sure I never want to.

29 (2001) Eels - Souljacker Part 1

Ben Folds came close with Rockin' The Suburbs, but this rocks harder.

And on my birthday? Pure And Simple by Hear'Say. The charts are officially dead.

30 (2002) The Flaming Lips - Do You Realise?

The song I want playing at my funeral. Kind of apt for my 30th birthday?

But as I actually turned 30, Will Young was at Number One, marking the funeral of the singles chart as we knew it. Simon Cowell slaughtered the damned thing before our very eyes.

Ten more years to go...

Countdown To 40: A Song A Year - Teenage Wasteland

So the countdown to March 19th continues (one in the eye for all those who believe we'll have to wait till December 21st for the 2012 apocalypse) and I'm back to picking one song for every year of my life so far.

These were my choices from 1972 - 1982... and now, on with the show.

11 (1983) Yes - Owner Of A Lonely Heart

What!? I hear you scream. You chose this over A New England or any of the songs on your favourite Costello album, Punch The Clock? I know, it's shocking, isn't it? I was never a huge Yes fan but this one album - this one song - soundtracked so many of my teenage memories. It's partly that killer riff, partly the sentiment (I was that Owner Of A Lonely Heart), partly John Anderson's angelic vocals... and yeah, partly the Trevor Horn sheen. It's not one man and his guitar singing an out of tune song about how all the girls in his school were already pushing prams: it's impossible to compare the two. But it'd be a few more years before I fell for Billy Bragg. When I was 11, this rocked my world.

Speaking of which, Number One in the charts on my 11th birthday? Another Jim Steinman classic. Turn the pomp up to 11 with Total Eclipse Of The Heart. Brilliant.

12 (1984) Bruce Springsteen - Glory Days

This is where it starts to get difficult. Do I pick a song that would mean more to me in later life, something from The Smiths or Rattlesnakes by Lloyd Cole? Or do I go with my gut and settle for the one album that screams 1984 louder than anything else in my head? Not the best Bruce album, but certainly the most iconic. And when you're 12 and only just finding your pop feet, that's all you want.

Meanwhile, if I'm feeling old, I just need to look at Bruce Springsteen in this video. God, he looks about 12 - and yet, he'd been making records for well over a decade by the time he finally made the big time.

At number one on my final pre-teen birthday? Lionel Richie, Hello. At least it wasn't I Just Called To Say I Love You.

13 (1985) Huey Lewis & The News - The Power Of Love

Oh god, when will he get past his American rock phase, you're wondering? Not just yet. Huey Lewis was another of my teenage heroes, helped along by Michael J. Fox and his DeLorean. Yes, this was the year of How Soon Is Now, and if I'd opened my ears properly I might have realised Morrissey had written that song just for me. But despite my teenage moodiness, I had an optimistic spirit and Back To The Future was my teen movie. Well, that and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Huey and the gang made three great albums prior to this one... and never came close again. Maybe that's what sent my tastebuds off in other musical directions?

It could be worse. The Number One that marked my ascent to teenagerdom? Easy Lover by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey.

14 (1986) The Smiths - There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

Well, it couldn't really be anything else, could it? Even though I wouldn't properly appreciate this song for a good few years, it probably had a bigger impact on my life than any other record in my collection. It made me love The Smiths and forgive Morrissey anything. Back in '86, I was listening to far more Fore!, Graceland, Slippery When Wet and A Kind Of Magic. But The Queen Is Dead became my retrospective teenage anthem. It's hard to believe I didn't love it when it first came out.

By the way, if There Is A Light... hadn't been released in 1986, it wouldn't have been replaced by any of the records above. No, this year's runner up, and the song that most reminds me of teenage school discos, is Caravan Of Love by The Housemartins. Just in case you were wondering.

Number One as I turned 14? Chain Reaction by Diana Ross (with a little help from the Bee Gees.) Now that's what I call music.

15 (1987) Prince & Sheena Easton - U Got The Look

So many records say 1987 to me, yet it's hard to pick just one that stands out above the rest. Too much choice. My two favourite albums of the year are Tunnel Of Love and Strangeways, Here We Come yet neither produced a truly iconic single. I was tempted by Barcelona, Livin' On A Prayer or Sweet Child O' Mine, but while I don't rate Sign O' The Times the album as highly as many critics (though it's title track probably does say more about 1987 than most other songs released that year), this was the single that finally made me love the little purple freak.

My birthday Number One at 15? Everything I Own, a watered down cover version of an old reggae standard by a past-his-prime Boy George. Hardly one of the year's musical highlights.

16 (1988) Morrissey - Every Day Is Like Sunday

Damn it, I really wanted to give this one to Billy Bragg and Waiting For The Great Leap Forwards, but it doesn't quite compare to trudging slowly over wet sand back to the bench where your clothes were stolen. What does?

On the day I reached the age of consent (not that anyone would consent back for a good few years), the ironic Number One was I Should Be So Lucky by Kylie Minogue, a hideous slice of SAW-ed off landfill pop. And do you want to know something even worse? I actually bought the damn thing. I must have been desperate...

17 (1989) Del Amitri - Nothing Ever Happens

The late 80s were a dire time for music, though I still managed to find plenty to keep me going. As with the best of his songs, Justin Currie's debut hit combines apathy with misanthropy in a way few other artists could or would ever attempt. For 1989, it was this or I'll Sail This Ship Alone.

Meanwhile at Number One on March 19th, Madonna reached her artistic pinnacle with Like A Prayer. IMHO.

18 (1990) The Inspiral Carpets - This Is How It Feels To Be Lonely

This is how it feels to be 18. This, November Spawned A Monster and Birdhouse In Your Soul paint a curiously accurate picture of my last year of A Levels. Happy 18th!

Meanwhile, topping the charts on my birthday? Dub Be Good To Me by Beats International. I liked him in the Housemartins, I even dug Fatboy Slim, but this one wasn't a Norman conquest for me.

19 (1991) Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band - The Fire Inside

An unusual choice for the year that brought us Smells Like Teen Spirit and Losing My Religion, but this has long been one of my favourite songs. Elvis Costello almost stole the year with The Other Side Of Summer, but in the end Bob is Number One with a Bullet Band.

And on my 19th birthday? The Stonk by Hale & Pace. Bloody hell.

20 (1992) Bruce Springsteen - Human Touch

I went with my gut on this one. Neither of the two albums Bruce released in 1992 are among anybody's favourites. There were far better records released this year - including Automatic For The People, It's A Shame About Ray and Generation Terrorists. But this track carries a kind of crushed yet hopeful romanticism that's always made it stand out for me. I guess it reminds me of being 20 more than any of the above.

My 20th Number One birthday song was Stay by Shakespeare's Sister. Morrissey gets the last word in as usual.

Back next week with the run-up to my 30th.

It's All About Meme

Stolen from Sunday Stealing...

1) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Buy my comic.

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Today, I feel like saying Stan Lee.

3) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Los Angeles circa 1940, when Raymond Chandler and Philip Marlowe walked those streets.

4) What do you think about most?

Stories.

5) You have the opportunity to spend a romantic night with the music celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

If you'd asked me this when I was 16, I'd have replied Carol Decker. Today though...?

Amanda Palmer. Not because I fancy her, just to piss Neil Gaiman off.

6) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

What doesn't kill you just makes you stronger. Most of the horrible experiences in my past have proved inspirational fodder for stories...

7) What's your strangest talent?

Being able to sleep with headphones on.

8) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?

Where did you bury the body?

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Of course. Morrissey just doesn't realise it.

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?

The last time I heard this...

11) Do you have any strange phobias?

Gumpophobia: The Fear of Tom Hanks.

12) What's your religion?

True believer (see question 2).

13) What is your current desktop picture?

14) When you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Walking.

15) What's the last song you listened to?

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Not at all simple. The obvious answer would be The Smiths... but a more contemporary answer would be The Indelicates.

17) What was the last lie you told?

"No, I don't want to go home."

18) Do you believe in karma?

I'm scared to say no, just in case...

19) What is a saying you say a lot?

"Hey, man, this is a private residence!"

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

i) Being rubbish at everything.

ii) Fooling people into believing I'm not.

21) Who is your celebrity crush?

Kate Winslet's restraining order has barred me from answering this question.

22) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: heart.

Tragically, it was 'beat'. I must be a closet Nick Berry fan. I claim Buddy Holly.

23) How do you vent your anger?

With a silent scream.

24) Do you have a collection of anything?

Comics, though it's rapidly dwindling. Music. Books.

25) What is your favorite word?

Coffee. Hmm, coffee...

My Top Twenty Teacher Songs

One of the things I've been doing over at The Mixtape Lives On for the past few weeks is playing songs about teachers. In preparation for my new job, it seemed wise to find out what my favourite singers and songwriters thought about their teachers. Most of them concluded they were a bunch of lecherous pervs, bullying ghouls or sexually frustrated stalkers. Still, what do pop stars know about anything? They don't live in the real world...

Here's my full Top 20, click the links to listen to and read more about each song...


20. Paul Simon - The Teacher

19. The Talks - Teachers

18. Super Furry Animals - The Teacher

17. Leonard Cohen - The Teacher

16. Big Country - The Teacher

15. Pet Shop Boys - Hey, Headmaster!

14. Rufus Wainwright - The Art Teacher

13. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - Teach Your Children Well

12. Van Halen - Hot For Teacher

11. Belle & Sebastian - Expectations

10. Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall

9. Timbuk 3 - The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

8. Morrissey - The Teachers Are Afraid Of The Pupils

7. Black Kids - I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You

6. The Police - Don't Stand So Close To Me

5. Madness - Baggy Trousers

4. The Trashcan Sinatras - To Sir, With Love

3. Pulp - PTA

2. The Smiths - The Headmaster Ritual

1. Black Box Recorder - The School Song



Discover a new song every day at The Mixtape Lives On...

Book Review - Harbour by John Ajvide Lindqvist

Anyone who's read John Ajvide Lindqvist's previous novels, Handling The Undead and Let The Right One In will know that he's an author hugely influenced by Stephen King at his best. We see this again in the opening chapters of Harbour as Lindqvist introduces us to a strange community who make their home on Domarö, a haunted island in the Stockholm archipelago. There's Anders, whose six year old daughter disappears into thin air on a walk to the lighthouse. There's Simon, an old magician and escapologist who keeps a spooky insect in a box that gives him supernatural abilities. There's Anna-Greta, Anders' grandma, a former smuggler who knows far more about the terrible history of Domarö than she's letting on. And there's Elin, a former Reality TV beauty who's determined to make herself ugly. All great characters, given plenty of back-story while the mystery of Domarö deepens, long before the horror begins.

Anders' daughter Maja isn't the first person to disappear on Domarö, and she won't be the last. But what happens when the missing start coming back? Harbour builds to an exciting and shocking first act climax involving two old ghosts called Henrik and Bjorn, homicidal Smiths fans who ride the island on a spooky moped, quoting Morissey lyrics and causing panic wherever they go. Unfortunately, the novel loses much of its momentum in the second half and drags towards an unsatisfyingly metaphysical ending. It's just like Stephen King... at his worst. But don't let that put you off. Harbour remains a fascinating, engrossing and emotionally gripping read, and you may have more time for the climax than I did. It's worth reading for page 347 alone, where Anders breaks down while listening to a cassette of an old Swedish comedian. Lindqvist has a powerful understanding of how pop culture affects us even at the lowest points of our life, and how sometimes it's all that keeps us going.

The Teachers Are Afraid Of The Pupils

So here we go with the next step of my master plan: teacher training.

What, you say? Rol, you say? Are you insane, you say? Putting you in a classroom with a mob of cheeky young oiks... that's a recipe for disaster!

Fortunately, I'm not training to teach young people. That job lost its appeal since they abolished corporal punishment. If I could have been Bullet Baxter in Grange Hill, I might have been interested... though knowing me I'd probably have been more like Scruffy McDuffy.

Sleep easy tonight, I'm not training to teach kids, I won't be terrorising your offspring anytime soon. Unless they decide to stick around for some post-compulsory, 16+ education... after which point, I can't promise you anything.

Sadly, I can't write about my teaching experiences here - or even my teacher training experiences. Confidentiality and all that. Maybe I'll set up an anonymous blog and write about it there. Let me know if you'd like the link.

Belligerent ghouls run Manchester schools... so I reckon I'm a shoe-in for a job there sometime in the future.

The Top Ten Fat Songs

The news keeps telling us we're living through an Obesity Epidemic. Britain and the USA are the worst offenders - apparently half the UK will be clinically obese by the year 2030.

Personally, I think if your weight is making you miserable, or affecting your day-to-day health... then do something about it. But if you're happy as you are - well, life's too short not to have that extra helping of pudding. You might be hit by a bus tomorrow. And the more padding you have, the more chance of survival.

Here's 10 songs to help you celebrate letting your belt out one more notch...

10. The Fat Boys & Chubby Checker - The Twist

(From 'The Best Of The Fat Boys'.)

Everyone laughed at The Fat Boys, but the Fat Boys had the last laugh when they became a huge success with their humorous rapping and human beatbox performances. Sadly, one of the Fat Boys died of a heart attack aged only 28. The other two appear to have slimmed down a little since then.

9. Chris Difford - Fat As A Fiddle

(From 'The Last Temptation Of Chris'.)

Now I have tits just like my mum
I'm out breath before I run
I like to eat because it's fun
But it comes at such a price.

I'm on the old brown rice and the herbal tea for the greater part of me.

If ever there were any doubt that Chris Difford is one of our greatest living lyricists...

8. Black Grape - Fat Neck

(From 'It's Great When You're Straight ... Yeah'.)

I dunno, I reckon if I had Shaun Ryder telling me I had a fat neck - I mean, Shaun Ryder! - that'd probably send me down Weightwatchers. The government ought to appoint him as Minister For Health. He'd sort out the obesity epidemic quick smart.

7. Babybird - 45 & Fat

(From 'Ugly Beautiful'.)

I'm working on my middle-aged spread so that in a few years time I can adopt this as my theme song. Pizza for tea last night - fish and chips for lunch today!

Stephen Jones claims here that he'll "sing about love until he's 45 and fat". He must have changed his mind, otherwise he'd have quit three years back. Phew!

6. Fats Domino - The Fat Man

(From 'Greatest Hits: Walking To New Orleans'.)

They call him the Fat Man - 'cos he weighs 200 pounds
But all the girls love him, 'cos he knows his way around

I bet Cee Lo Green can sympathise...

5. Queen - Fat Bottomed Girls

(From 'Jazz'.)

There were those who accused Queen of sexism back when this record was released in 1978. Oh yes, those enlightened ultra-pc days of the 70s! Compared to the likes of Sir Mixalot, Freddie and the gang's attitude now seems tame and quaint. Also - Freddie Mercury: sexist? Puh-lease.

4. Bad Manners - Lip Up, Fatty

(From 'Bad Manners'.)

Ah, Buster Bloodvessel. The world's unlikeliest pop star. The history of pop just wouldn't be the same without his boiler-suited girth. OK, Buster, you can put your tongue away now. Please.

3. Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine - Sheriff Fatman

(From 'Straw Donkey: the Singles'.)

Someone call up Roger Cook and The United Nations!

2. Morrissey - You're The One For Me, Fatty

(From 'Your Arsenal'.)

Say what you want about Morrissey, but he knows his fanbase. He knows its made up of the lonely, the unpretty, the people who feel they don't quite belong, the freaks and geeks. (Hey, I should know.) And just as he reached out and put his arms around the wheelchair-bound "monster" spawned in November, here he gives a big hug to everyone who knows that Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others. For someone who hates the human race as much as Morrissey appears to, he's a mass of contradictions.

1. The Beautiful South - Perfect 10

(From 'Quench'.)

Here's a healthy response to the weight issue, from Paul Heaton and Jacqui Abbott...

If he's extra large - well, I'm in charge

I can work this thing on top

And if he's XXL - well, what the hell?

Every penny doesn't fit the slot

The anorexic chicks - the model 6...

Don't hold no weight with me

Well 8 or 9, yeah, that's just fine

I like to hold something I can see

It's obviously a subject close to Heaton's waistline as he released his debut solo album 'Fat Chance' under the pseudonym 'Biscuit Boy'.



OK, put down that cake and tell me your favourite fat song in the comments... and while you're getting interactive, don't forget to vote in this week's Title Fight - which is your favourite 'Drive' song?

Top Ten Seaside Songs

Following my Return To Reighton Gap post, this seemed apt. You may be going on holiday soon. You may just have come back. Either way, here's ten seaside songs that might get you in the mood / jog your memories. I could easily have made this a Top 20 or 30 but I'm trying to reign myself in and stop boring your speedos off.

10. Led Zeppelin - Down By The Seaside

(From 'Physical Graffiti'.)

The sea air makes messrs. Page and Plant go all mellow. Nice.

9. Queen - Seaside Rendezvous

(From 'A Night At The Opera'.)

It has the opposite affect on Mr. Mercury, sending him quite, quite bonkers. Not that he has very far to travel.

8. The Kooks - Seaside

(From 'Inside In/Inside Out'.)

I like the way they've recorded the acoustic guitar on this track. It sounds like he's busking on the sea front. Without the seagulls stealing coins from his hat.

7. Kirsty MacColl - He's On The Beach

(From 'The Best of Kirsty MacColl'.)

Poor old Kirsty, she's doesn't have much luck with men. This bloke tells her he's going on holiday without her... next thing she knows she's getting a postcard from the seaside. Sydney, Australia.

And he says it's brilliant there
There's something in the air
There's sunshine everywhere
He's on the beach

Was it something she said?

6. Bruce Springsteen - 4th Of July, Asbury Park (Sandy)

(From 'Greetings From Asbury Park N.J.')

Being brought up in Asbury Park, Bruce had a lot of seaside stories to tell on his early records. This one brings a tear to my eye if I'm in the right mood (melancholic).

Every summer when the weather gets hot
They ride that road down from heaven
On their Harleys, they come and they go
And you can see 'em dressed like stars
In all them cheap little seashore bars
Parked making love with their babies
Out on the Kokomo

I've never been to Asbury Park, but for some reason I imagine it to be like the New Jersey equivalent of Blackpool.

5. Rialto - Summer's Over

(From 'Rialto'.)

A song that obviously owes an enormous debt to our number two record this week (no jumping ahead, kids, we'll get there soon enough). It's no worse off for that.

Kamikaze seagull planes fighting over chip shop take-away remains
When you're walking on the cliffs
You can't help thinking of how far down the sea is
And what if it should give...

Quite beautiful.

4. Squeeze - Pulling Mussels From A Shell

(From 'Greatest Hits'.)

I never really understood the innuendo of this song, but it's obviously a gloriously mucky tale of a holiday romance and what goes on behind the chalet. If anyone wants to explain just what Chris Difford and Glenn Tilbrook mean by "pulling mussels from a shell", you know where the comments box is.

On second thoughts...

3. The Drifters - Under The Boardwalk

(From 'The Very Best of the Drifters'.)

If this song doesn't make you want to go lie on a blanket down by the sea, you're obviously dead from the sunglasses down.

Just be thankful this child of the 80s didn't inflict the Bruce Willis version on you. (One of the first records I ever bought!) Hey, Bruno...!

2. Morrissey - Everyday Is Like Sunday

(From 'Bona Drag: 20th Anniversary Edition'.)

Hands up if you thought this would be number one? Well, yes, it is one of Mozzer's best. And it is wonderfully evocative of those dreary seaside towns where the highlight of the week was sharing some grease tea and celebrating winning a cheap tray on the bingo. But hey, Morrissey - I actually like those tacky resorts. I can think of far better places to bring down your nuclear bombs. Is is really so bad that Every Day Is Like Sunday?

1. Beach Boys - Surfin' USA

(From 'Surfin' Safari/Surfin' USA'.)

I'm sure that seaside holidays are completely different kettles of fish in the USA, but nothing says sun and sand and sea to me more than the Beach Boys and nothing gets me more in the mood for a holiday. I'm waxing down by surfboard as I type...

(No, that's not a Squeeze-esque euphemism, Steve!)



So those were my bucket and spade / sandcastle / ice cream on the beach songs... but what song reminds you of seaside holidays gone by... or gets you in the mood for future ones?

Morrissey - The Vegas Years

On the hottest night of the year, Morrissey brought his sparkly-shirted cabaret act to St. Georges Hall, Bradford... and blew up the stage. Literally.

Whether he likes to admit it or not, these are the Vegas days for the Mozfather. A few years back he was performing in front of huge letters that spelt out his name in light bulbs, a la Elvis: The Comeback Special. Now, while he's not yet wearing jumpsuits or doing ill-advised karate moves on stage, and the lack of burgers mean his waistline stays respectable (for a man of his years), a Vegas residency Greatest Hits package has become his lot, albeit in the slightly less glamorous surroundings of Grimsby, Stoke and Bradford. But should we expect anything else?

The setlist was one of his best in recent years, without an over-reliance on the last three albums, nothing too obscure, and some live gems I've not heard for ages... if ever. Perversely, these included the much-maligned You're The One For Me, Fatty and Ouija Board, Ouija Board: but as I'm an unashamed fan of both, I was pleased as punch. Great to hear Alma Matters and Speedway again too, while the mid-set one-two punch of There Is A Light... followed by Everyday Is Like Sunday would have made for a much more satisfying singalong encore than the tired combo of First Of The Gang (a great song, but it needs a long rest) and a lumpen This Charming Man... which left me feeling JC might be right about refusing access to certain segments of the Smiths back catalogue. Then again, the night's undisputed highlight was a rare 25th birthday outing for I Know It's Over, a performance that made me wonder what'd happen if Moz took the Vegas comparison to its extremes, ditched Boz Boorer and the lads, and took to the road with a proper showband instead... or even an orchestra? He'd have to devise a set-list that steered clear of the sonic battery of Meat Is Murder (no great loss) while favouring tracks like I Know Its Over, Trouble Loves Me and There Is A Light (with proper strings... imagine!), but surely it's time for some kind of change?

Instead, it looks like we can expect more of the same, at least until he finally decides to get off the stage. New tracks performed last night were People Are The Same Everywhere (you can guess the rest) and Action Is My Middle Name, one of his catchiest offerings in years - given that I was singing along by the second chorus. Of course, he's back to being without a record deal, and moaning that no one will have have him, but that's all part of the act. It's impossible to believe there aren't interested parties, given the current state of the music industry, even with his infamous reputation.

One thing that wasn't part of the act was the aforementioned explosion which silenced the main set's final song, Irish Blood, English Heart a few lines in. Darkness and silence filled the stage, and for a moment we all wondered whether it really was over. Given his frequent avowal that performing is the only thing to give his life meaning, it'd be perfectly proper for Morrissey to one day go out singing... but thankfully this was not to be the night. A panic of roadies saved us from the riot, but by then we'd had the best of him, and it was time to say goodbye, if not farewell. Vegas act or not, record deal or gurning busker, I still hope it's a long time before we say farewell to Morrissey forever...

Today Is The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life

If I'd murdered the boss who gave me my first job in radio back in 1988, I reckon I'd have been out of prison long before this. As it is, I feel like I've done the time without doing the crime.

But now I've finally been released, and not just for good behaviour. I'm free as a bird, and I'm never going back. It's forward all the way now. Even the sun has come out to congratulate me. And what better way to celebrate my new lease of life but by seeing my old pal Morrissey, live, tonight. Ironically, the gig's in Bradford... but I'm seeing it as my grand farewell to that inland town they forgot to bomb.

Thanks for all the well-wishy stuff. I promise I won't let the positivity poison this blog too much, we'll be back to the cynicism and grumbling very soon... after all, I've still got that Green Lantern review to write!

Top Ten Bored Songs

A couple of weeks back, the ennui set in with my Top Ten Boring Songs. As if that wasn't enough to bore you to death, here come another ten...

10. Chris Difford - On My Own I'm Never Bored

Chris Difford is a man after my own heart. The only time I ever get bored is at work... so I guess that won't be a problem in a couple of weeks...!

From 'The Last Temptation Of Chris'.

9. Paul Armfield - Why Should It Be That A Man Gets Bored

I don't know much about singer-songwriter Paul Armfield, but I find it hard to believe any man could get bored listening to this beautiful track.

8. Edwyn Collins - Bored

Edwyn Collins gives new meaning to the words "rock 'n' roll survivor".

From his amazing, Lazarus-like comeback album, 'Losing Sleep'.

7. Manic Street Preachers - Bored Out Of My Mind

I'm bored out of my mind and I'm too stoned lazy to see...

From 'Lipstick Traces (A Secret History of Manic Street Preachers)'.

6. The Adverts - Bored Teenagers

Some punky racket by a load of snotty-nosed upstarts from the 70s. In case you like that sort of thing.

From 'Anthology'.

5. Evan Dando - Baby I'm Bored

OK, strictly speaking this isn't the name of a song, it's the name of an album... but considering it neatly sums up Evan Dando's entire career - the consummate "can't be arsed" slacker king - I couldn't leave it out.

Like the Dude himself, it's good to know Evan Dando is out there, taking it easy for all the rest of us sinners.

'Baby I'm Bored'.

4. The Clash - I'm So Bored With The USA

Yankee detectives
Are always on the TV
'Cos killers in America
Work seven days a week

In the UK, of course, killers always take Thursday afternoons off. They're not all "work, work, work".

From 'The Clash (UK Version)'.

3. Grandaddy - Kim, You Bore Me To Death

Ah, Grandaddy. They sure knew how to write a song title.

We met at a party
I was drunk and smoking cloves
I really just needed a ride back to town
No, I don't smoke cloves anymore

Amusingly, whoever uploaded this to youtube decided the song must have been written about Kim Jong Il. Man, that must have been some party - who invited both Jason Lytle and Kim Jong Il? (At least Kim wouldn't have been so very rone-ry that night.)

From 'The Broken Down Comforter Collection'.

2. Morrissey - The World Is Full Of Crashing Bores

In which Morrissey bemoans a world of "policewomen, policemen, silly women taxmen, uniformed whores" and "lockjawed pop stars, thicker than pig shit" with "nothing to convey"... before concluding, with typical self-deprecation...

And I must be one, 'cos no one ever turns to me to say
Take me in your arms, Take me in your arms
And love me, And love me

From 'You Are The Quarry'.

1. Iggy Pop - I'm Bored

Iggy Pop isn't just bored - he's the Chairman of the Bored. I suppose that might explain why he ended up doing those car insurance ads.

From 'Best Of Iggy Pop'.



For my next top ten, I promise you something far more... exciting...

Top Ten Songs About Horrible Young People

Having recently watched the movie F on DVD, I'm now even more afraid of scary hoody-wearing young people than ever. As with Eden Lake and French horror Them ('Ils'), it transforms the beastly little oiks you see spitting and swearing on your local street corner into murderous horror film monsters. Now I don't want to go all Mail On Sunday on you and call this a mirror reflecting our society (after all, older generations have been screaming that "the kids are out of control" ever since Adam fathered Cain and Abel), though when you hear about children taking guns into school, knife attacks and junior gang warfare, you can't help but shudder. I prefer to think that, like many good horror films, F merely reflects our society back at us through a cracked mirror darkly. But maybe I'm just looking on the bright side again (you know me!)...

Anyway, I'd recommend F as a cool little urban horror that refuses to take the easier plot paths, shows admirable restraint in terms of violence, and features a stand out performance from David Schofield as the teacher under siege. Cool ending too.

It also inspired this top ten, which needs no further introduction...


10. Morrissey - The Teachers Are Afraid Of The Pupils

Back in the days of The Smiths, Morrissey sang about being terrorised by the "belligerent ghouls" who ran Manchester school. "Spineless swines, demented minds." By the time he hit middle age, he'd grown to see things from the other side of the classroom...

So you stand by the board
Full of fear and intention
And, if you think that they're listening
Well, you've got to be joking

Mucus on your collar
A nail up through the staff chair
A blade in your soap
And you cry into your pillow
To be finished would be a relief

Being Morrissey, of course, he can't help but blame the parents too...

Say the wrong word to our children ...
We'll have you, oh yes, we'll have you
Lay a hand on our children
And it's never too late to have you

9. Carter USM - The Young Offender's Mum

All God's children snatch a handbag
Spot the ball and mash the granddad
Choose the pictures on the news
Count the stitches on the bruise
Lock your sons up with your daughters
Stay at home, don't drink the water

Carter, on the other hand, do find some sympathy for the parents...

Don't lose your temper
In the shopping centre, son
Just remember
The young offender's mum

8. Dan Le Sac Versus Scroobius Pip - Great Britain

Leave it to Scroobius Pip to deliver a more level-head appraisal of the situation...

See sometimes Britain ain't that great
Kids getting stabbed at an alarming rate
Press with a passion to exaggerate
Increasingly clueless heads of state

He even tries to come up with a few of his own solutions. Listen to the song to find out more.

7. Mikrofisch - The Kids Are All Shite

Ah, but now we're getting to the heart of the matter. What's wrong with kids today? It's all down to the music they listen to, reckon Mikrofisch...

Coldplay, Keane and Kaiser Chiefs
Kasabian, Jet and Razorlight
Kings of Leon, Dead 60s...
The kids are all shite!

There's a slight flaw with their argument though. I reckon most of the artists listed above are predominantly listened to by 30+ blokes. (I don't mind the Dead 60s or early Kaisers.) Most kids these days wouldn't be seen dead with a Coldplay CD. I doubt most of them even know what a CD is.

6. My Chemical Romance - Teenagers

Or, if they're a little bit emo, they might be listening to My Chemical Romance... even though those same unruly teenagers scare the shit out of Gerard Way...

5. Ian Dury & The Blockheads - Rough Kids

In case you're thinking Rough Kids are a 21st Century phenomenon, here's Ian Dury whinging about them from back in the late 70s... when I was a rough kid me'sen. I hope I wasn't responsible for this song.

Rough kids play rough games and kick tin cans
Leave their feet out in the aisle
Rough kids have bother and make nuisance
They climb on someone else's fence
Rough kids give m-m-m-m-m-mama no obedience
You know, you know, they've got no sense

4. Elbow - Lippy Kids

Introducing Lippy Kids on their recent tour, Guy Garvey explained that while he does sometimes find himself intimidated by the kids on the corner of his street, he wouldn't want to send them home. Hanging around with his mates at that age was a big part of his development, and led towards him being the man he is today. Somehow, nice Guy that Garvey is, I doubt he's the sort to ever terrorise an old lady... and he never perfected that simian stroll. The Garvey gang spent all their time building rockets.

3. Jarvis Cocker - Fat Children

In which Jarvis gets mugged and murdered by a bunch of flabby delinquents... then comes back to haunt them.

Oh, the parents are the problem
Giving birth to maggots without the sense to become flies

2. Frank Turner - Thatcher Fucked The Kids

Which brings us to Frank Turner... and, man, is he angry.

Whatever happened to childhood?
We're all scared of the kids in our neighbourhood
They're not small, charming and harmless
They're a violent bunch of bastard little shits.

Don't mince your words there, Frank, will you?

And anyone who looks younger than me
Makes me check for my wallet, my phone and my keys,
And I'm tired of being tired out
Always being on the lookout for thieving gits.

But, Frank, who could be responsible for this terrible state of affairs...?

So all the kids are bastards,
But don't blame them, yeah, they learn by example.
Blame the folks who sold the future for the highest bid:
That's right, Thatcher fucked the kids.

And if you don't believe him, listen to the full song for more of his argument...

1. The Indelicates - We Hate The Kids

Long time readers of this blog will not be surprised to see this at number one. It is my favourite single of the 21st Century after all. Just press play.

Oh yeah, we mean it...

So... do you hate the kids? Or blame the parents?

(And can I respond with a Top Ten Songs About Horrible Old People? I can only think of a couple so far...)

Top Ten Rubbish Songs

Proof, if proof be needed, that it's possible to compile a Top Ten songs about any subject... even a load of old rubbish.

Special runners-up prizes go to Garbage and the Trash Can Sinatras...

10. Lonnie Donegan - My Old Man's A Dustman

Skiffle-king Donegan angered traditionalists with his turn to musical hall comedy in 1960 - but it proved one of his biggest hits, as well as his third and final Number One. In case you didn't know what a dustman was, the title also provided the following, slightly less poetic parenthesis... (Ballad Of A Refuse Disposal Officer).

Me, I always wanted to know what those "gor-blimey trousers" his old man wore were all about...

9. Blanche - Garbage Picker

Southern Gothic country madness helmed by husband and wife duo Dan John and Tracie Mae Miller...

My debonair style impressed you,
But you kept asking where I shop,
And that day you saw me picking by the roadside,
Was the day that our romance stopped.

8. Raveonettes - Love In A Trashcan

Those crazy Danes, they'll do it anywhere...

7. Johnny Cash - Country Trash

Listening to this song, I feel a strange kinship for Johnny Cash. I suppose I'm doing all right for country trash...

6. Blur - For Tomorrow

The song that gives the album Modern Life Is Rubbish its name, inspired in part by the fact that when they first moved to London, Damon Albarn's parents lived next door to John Lennon. Or so it says on Wikipedia. Which probably means it's bollocks.

5. The Faces - Debris

Rod Stewart used to be cool. Rubbish?

4. Michael Anderson - White Trash Shakespeare

I have no idea where I find these things. This is from a contemporary country album which also contains an excellent song called Raymond Chandler Said. I think someone might have pointed me towards that while compiling my Top Ten Detective Songs.

3. New York Dolls - Trash

While I don't share Morrissey's undying adoration of this band, this is probably the best thing I've heard from them: a raucous slab of pre-punk glam with a nice Mick Jagger impression from lead singer David Johansen.

2. Suede - Trash

25 years later, Suede recorded virtually the same song - yet made it sound completely different. There is a direct line from David Johansen through to Bret Anderson, but I'm not sure the Dolls were the inspiration behind Suede's biggest hit. Maybe it's just one of those glorious flukes pop throws up from time to time.

Maybe, maybe it's the clothes we wear,
The tasteless bracelets and the dye in our hair,
Maybe it's our kookiness,
Or maybe, maybe it's our nowhere towns,
Our nothing places and our cellophane sounds,
Maybe it's our looseness,


But we're trash, you and me,
We're the litter on the breeze,
We're the lovers on the streets...

1. Carter USM - Rubbish

The only problem with that Suede song, much as I love it and want to make it Number #1, is that it's not very British, is it, Bret? Where I come from, we don't have trashcans, we have rubbish bins.

"What do you think of the programme so far?" asks John Peel midway through this track. Wisely, Jim Bob and Fruitbat leave us to provide our own answers...

I wish I'd discovered Carter back in 1992... why did no one tell me?

From the black bag skip in the parking lot
It's a short bad trip to the candy shop
Where the shrimps sell smack to the jelly snakes
And the kids buy crack in their morning break


And the grass grows bluer on the other side
Where the old girls queue for their Mother's Pride
For a slice of life it's a bargain sale
The price is right but the bread is stale


From the high rise priest of the office blocks
To a five year lease on a cardboard box
From the old queens head to the Burger King
In my '57 Chevy made from baked bean tins


And when I drive that heap down the road
You can hear that cheap car stereo
Volume knob turned down low
Rubbish on the radio

Those were mine... what's your favourite rubbish song?