Top Ten Sex Songs

In honour of the new issue of Too Much Sex & Violence (get your copy here), here's ten great songs that directly mention S-E-X in the title. Of course, there are millions of songs about doing the wild thing that don't mention the S-E-X word... but if I started sorting through all those, we'd be here forever...

And no, I didn't count 'sexy' songs. Or 'sexual' songs. Those will be on separate lists. Pay attention at the back!

10. George Michael - I Want Your Sex

I can hear you sniggering and you can stop it right now. I still maintain that 'Faith' was a great pop album, but you probably had to be there. It was also one of the first albums I bought again on CD (when I finally got a CD player), though that was a few years later. It reminds me of the first time I took a girl out on a date. Picked her up in my dad's car and drove her home afterwards. She even invited me in for a coffee. Did I get any...?

Did I heck.

9. Beck - Sexx Laws

This is basically Beck trying to be Prince, as is the whole Midnight Vultures album. Which is pretty silly. There's only one Prince. Beck is better being Beck. Still, this was a catchy enough single. I'd never seen the video before - who knew Jack Black was in it?

8. Soft Cell - Sex Dwarf

"WARNING," says the youtube poster, "this is one of the most controversial music videos ever made because it contains lots of sexual stuff."

Hmm. Looks like a very bad Little Britain sketch to me. Still, it's Marc Almond at his most extreme, and that's always worth a listen.

7. The King Blues - Sex Education

He never had a little chat with his Dad
It weren't his Mum who enlightened this lad...

It's the evil internet where kids get their sex education these days. A timely, if depressing, assessment from The (ever-excellent) King Blues.

6. T'Pau - Sex Talk

And we're back to the 80s with (as I've confessed before) one of my earliest pop star sex idols. And she even sings about Spider-Man in this song... swoon!

5. The Vaccines - Post Break-Up Sex

The track that first brought this noisy bunch of ruffians to my attention last year. Because they put "sex" in the title, obviously.

4. Ian Dury & The Blockheads - Sex & Drugs & Rock 'n' Roll

It's all his brain and body needs...

3. The Divine Comedy - Generation Sex

Generation sex
Respects
The rights
Of girls
Who want to take their clothes off
As long as we can all watch that's okay
And generation sex
Elects
The type
Of guys
You wouldn't leave your kids with
And shouts "off with their heads" if they get laid
Lovers watch their backs
As hacks
In macs
Take snaps
Through telephoto lenses
Chase Mercedes Benzes through the night
A mourning nation weeps
And wails
But keeps
The sales
Of evil tabloids healthy
The poor protect the wealthy in this world

2. James Brown - Get Up (I Feel Like Being A Sex Machine)

The original Mr. Lover Man. Shabba, my arse.

1. Pulp - Sheffield: Sex City

Which brings us to one of the most shameless pervs in rock: our Jarv. This has long been one of my favourite Pulp songs, and not just because I recognise a lot of the places he mentions. It fair drips sleazy atmosphere, it does.

Oh the things we saw:
everyone on Park Hill came in unison at four-thirteen a.m.
and the whole block fell down.
The tobacconist caught fire,
and everyone in the street died of lung cancer.
We heard groans coming from the T-reg Chevette:
You bet, you bet, yeah you bet.

And that is why I wish Jarvis Cocker would find the time to write a novel.



So those were my sex songs. Remember, sexy and sexual get their own lists. But what does it for you, baby...?

Top Ten Songs About Horrible Young People

Having recently watched the movie F on DVD, I'm now even more afraid of scary hoody-wearing young people than ever. As with Eden Lake and French horror Them ('Ils'), it transforms the beastly little oiks you see spitting and swearing on your local street corner into murderous horror film monsters. Now I don't want to go all Mail On Sunday on you and call this a mirror reflecting our society (after all, older generations have been screaming that "the kids are out of control" ever since Adam fathered Cain and Abel), though when you hear about children taking guns into school, knife attacks and junior gang warfare, you can't help but shudder. I prefer to think that, like many good horror films, F merely reflects our society back at us through a cracked mirror darkly. But maybe I'm just looking on the bright side again (you know me!)...

Anyway, I'd recommend F as a cool little urban horror that refuses to take the easier plot paths, shows admirable restraint in terms of violence, and features a stand out performance from David Schofield as the teacher under siege. Cool ending too.

It also inspired this top ten, which needs no further introduction...


10. Morrissey - The Teachers Are Afraid Of The Pupils

Back in the days of The Smiths, Morrissey sang about being terrorised by the "belligerent ghouls" who ran Manchester school. "Spineless swines, demented minds." By the time he hit middle age, he'd grown to see things from the other side of the classroom...

So you stand by the board
Full of fear and intention
And, if you think that they're listening
Well, you've got to be joking

Mucus on your collar
A nail up through the staff chair
A blade in your soap
And you cry into your pillow
To be finished would be a relief

Being Morrissey, of course, he can't help but blame the parents too...

Say the wrong word to our children ...
We'll have you, oh yes, we'll have you
Lay a hand on our children
And it's never too late to have you

9. Carter USM - The Young Offender's Mum

All God's children snatch a handbag
Spot the ball and mash the granddad
Choose the pictures on the news
Count the stitches on the bruise
Lock your sons up with your daughters
Stay at home, don't drink the water

Carter, on the other hand, do find some sympathy for the parents...

Don't lose your temper
In the shopping centre, son
Just remember
The young offender's mum

8. Dan Le Sac Versus Scroobius Pip - Great Britain

Leave it to Scroobius Pip to deliver a more level-head appraisal of the situation...

See sometimes Britain ain't that great
Kids getting stabbed at an alarming rate
Press with a passion to exaggerate
Increasingly clueless heads of state

He even tries to come up with a few of his own solutions. Listen to the song to find out more.

7. Mikrofisch - The Kids Are All Shite

Ah, but now we're getting to the heart of the matter. What's wrong with kids today? It's all down to the music they listen to, reckon Mikrofisch...

Coldplay, Keane and Kaiser Chiefs
Kasabian, Jet and Razorlight
Kings of Leon, Dead 60s...
The kids are all shite!

There's a slight flaw with their argument though. I reckon most of the artists listed above are predominantly listened to by 30+ blokes. (I don't mind the Dead 60s or early Kaisers.) Most kids these days wouldn't be seen dead with a Coldplay CD. I doubt most of them even know what a CD is.

6. My Chemical Romance - Teenagers

Or, if they're a little bit emo, they might be listening to My Chemical Romance... even though those same unruly teenagers scare the shit out of Gerard Way...

5. Ian Dury & The Blockheads - Rough Kids

In case you're thinking Rough Kids are a 21st Century phenomenon, here's Ian Dury whinging about them from back in the late 70s... when I was a rough kid me'sen. I hope I wasn't responsible for this song.

Rough kids play rough games and kick tin cans
Leave their feet out in the aisle
Rough kids have bother and make nuisance
They climb on someone else's fence
Rough kids give m-m-m-m-m-mama no obedience
You know, you know, they've got no sense

4. Elbow - Lippy Kids

Introducing Lippy Kids on their recent tour, Guy Garvey explained that while he does sometimes find himself intimidated by the kids on the corner of his street, he wouldn't want to send them home. Hanging around with his mates at that age was a big part of his development, and led towards him being the man he is today. Somehow, nice Guy that Garvey is, I doubt he's the sort to ever terrorise an old lady... and he never perfected that simian stroll. The Garvey gang spent all their time building rockets.

3. Jarvis Cocker - Fat Children

In which Jarvis gets mugged and murdered by a bunch of flabby delinquents... then comes back to haunt them.

Oh, the parents are the problem
Giving birth to maggots without the sense to become flies

2. Frank Turner - Thatcher Fucked The Kids

Which brings us to Frank Turner... and, man, is he angry.

Whatever happened to childhood?
We're all scared of the kids in our neighbourhood
They're not small, charming and harmless
They're a violent bunch of bastard little shits.

Don't mince your words there, Frank, will you?

And anyone who looks younger than me
Makes me check for my wallet, my phone and my keys,
And I'm tired of being tired out
Always being on the lookout for thieving gits.

But, Frank, who could be responsible for this terrible state of affairs...?

So all the kids are bastards,
But don't blame them, yeah, they learn by example.
Blame the folks who sold the future for the highest bid:
That's right, Thatcher fucked the kids.

And if you don't believe him, listen to the full song for more of his argument...

1. The Indelicates - We Hate The Kids

Long time readers of this blog will not be surprised to see this at number one. It is my favourite single of the 21st Century after all. Just press play.

Oh yeah, we mean it...

So... do you hate the kids? Or blame the parents?

(And can I respond with a Top Ten Songs About Horrible Old People? I can only think of a couple so far...)

Top Ten Bastard Songs

How juvenile am I? First Top Ten of 2011, and I pick a sweary word. Maybe I thought I'd end up with a cooler list of artists (and no Barry Manilow songs) if I compiled a Top Ten Bastards. How wrong can one man be...?

10. Mötley Crüe - Bastard

Before you mock the Crüe, consider that they've sold over 80 million albums. Can that many hair metal idiots be wrong? I have more respect for them after reading Chuck Klosterman's poignant and hilarious memoir Fargo Rock City. Not a whole lot more respect, but some. At the end of the day, their drummer did marry Pamela Anderson. I suppose somebody had to.

9. The Replacements - Bastards Of Young

Unlike the Crüe, Paul Westerberg's Replacements are one of those bands everybody always claims to have been into back in the 80s when really they only actually discovered them long after they'd split up. Go on, admit it. Unless you're really cool, like Miller. In which case you probably bought their first album when you were 9 or something. (Did that sound sarcastic? It was actually meant to be a compliment. See, I can't even give my mates compliments without it sounding sarcastic. Grrr.)

Sadly, the Replacements haven't sold 80 million records.

8. Ben Folds - Bastard

Kids today gettin' old too fast
they can't wait to grow up so they can kiss some ass
They get nostalgic about the last ten years
before the last ten years have passed

Pretty soon, you'll be an old bastard too

So why you gotta act like you know when you don't know?
It's OK if you don't know everything

7. Arab Strap - Fucking Little Bastards

And you think I'm misanthropic? Imagine if I was Scottish too...

6. Half Man Half Biscuit - The Bastard Son Of Dean Friedman

If you don't know who Dean Friedman is, consider yourself deprived. He's the poodle-faced god of 70s MOR-storytelling who brought us such classics as Ariel, Lydia, 'Well, Well' Said The Rocking Chair and the divine duet (with Denise Marsa) Lucky Stars. I don't use the word 'genius' lightly etc. etc....

Who better than Nigel Blackwell and the infamous Biscuit to pay tribute to this Titan of Tunesmithery (still on tour, coming soon to a leisure centre near you)?

And you can thank your lucky stars that you're not
The bastard son of Dean Friedman.

5. Ol' Dirty Bastard feat. Kelis - Baby I Got Your Money

You have to feel bad for Mr. and Mrs. Bastard. That name was like an albatross. Whatever they chose to christen their little boy, people were always going to take the piss. I mean... Kevin? Barry? Complete? Heartless? They must have exhausted that book of baby names before coming up with Ol' Dirty. Still, at least they kept Dirty as the middle name. Presumably to avoid causing further embarrassment to his teachers when calling the register.

4. Ian Dury & The Blockheads - There Ain't Half Been Some Clever Bastards

Ian Dury was fearless in the face of rhyming couplets - he bent them to his will. This song is the perfect example of his art... especially verse 3.

Einstein can't be classed as witless.
He claimed atoms were the littlest.
When you did a bit of splitting-em-ness
Frighten everybody shitless

3. Babybird - Bastard

Another track from my 7th favourite album of last year...

You can love me if you want to
But it's best if you don't
You can believe me, you can deceive me
But it's best if you don't

You could date me, you could hate me
But it's best if you don't
We could have kids, we could grow old
But it's best if we don't

I'm untouchable, yes I am
But if you wanna touch me, you can
I'm a bastard, you know that I am
But that's just what you like in a man

Everybody knows Babybird's biggest hit was You're Gorgeous... but coincidentally, it was spoofed by Mark 'n' Lard in The Shirehorses in a track called You're A Bastard.

2. Town Bike - Bastard Heart

Coming on like a Scouse version of the Donnas, Town Bike are the kind of hard-living punk rock chicks who scare the pants off weedy wallflower indie kids like me... but in a good way. Their debut album Go! Fight! Win! was released last year and you can download their amusingly sweary break-up single Bastard Heart (along with its Kiss-cover Crazy Crazy Nights b-side) for free ('n' legal) at the link above. If you like that, why not pop over to their myspace to hear more?

1. Charlotte Hatherley - Bastardo

An all-too autobiographical-sounding tale of holiday romance has Charlotte Hatherley seduced by a Spanish lothario (played by David Walliams) only to wake the next morning to find him gone... along with her precious guitar. Although he did leave a few Euros with thanks for the memories...

(Simon Pegg also pops up in the spoof girl's comic video as a Spanish waiter.)



I know, I'm a bastard because I didn't include...?