Keeping It Peel: My Top Ten John Peel Songs

Today is the day we celebrate the great John Peel, without whom all our record collections would be much the sadder. Find out more about Keeping It Peel here. Over on The Mixtape Lives On, I'm playing one of my favourite Peel sessions. And here at SOS... it's my Top Ten Songs About John Peel.

10. CLSM - John Peel Is Not Enough

9. Jeffrey Lewis - The Legend Of The Fall

DJ John Peel says they're his favourite band
Because they're always different and always the same.

8. James - Ten Below

I'm at the bottom of my bed
Headphones on my head
John Peel's show
Feels like ten below

7. Television Personalities - Part-Time Punks

Then they go to Rough Trade to buy Siouxsie & the Banshees
They heard John Peel play it just the other night

6. Helen Love - John Peel Roadshow

And I gotta give my demo to John Peel
I hope he loves my band
And I gotta give my demo to John Peel
I hope he understands

5. Carter USM - Rubbish

"What do you think of the programme so far?"

4. Mitch Benn - A Minute's Noise For John

He soundtracked all our misspent youths
From Teenage Kicks to Home Truths...

3. Bis - We Love John Peel

2. Paul Burch - John Peel

Now he spent time in Dallas
And he told a tall tale
Met John & Jackie on the campaign trail
And he was there in the room
When Oswald was led away
Newsreel footage, taken at the scene
Oswald and Peel 11/24/63

It's time to fold the tent
The empire's no more
Tell your majesty it's over
John Peel sailed on

1. Shirley Lee - An Old Cricketer

The Top Ten Fat Songs

The news keeps telling us we're living through an Obesity Epidemic. Britain and the USA are the worst offenders - apparently half the UK will be clinically obese by the year 2030.

Personally, I think if your weight is making you miserable, or affecting your day-to-day health... then do something about it. But if you're happy as you are - well, life's too short not to have that extra helping of pudding. You might be hit by a bus tomorrow. And the more padding you have, the more chance of survival.

Here's 10 songs to help you celebrate letting your belt out one more notch...

10. The Fat Boys & Chubby Checker - The Twist

(From 'The Best Of The Fat Boys'.)

Everyone laughed at The Fat Boys, but the Fat Boys had the last laugh when they became a huge success with their humorous rapping and human beatbox performances. Sadly, one of the Fat Boys died of a heart attack aged only 28. The other two appear to have slimmed down a little since then.

9. Chris Difford - Fat As A Fiddle

(From 'The Last Temptation Of Chris'.)

Now I have tits just like my mum
I'm out breath before I run
I like to eat because it's fun
But it comes at such a price.

I'm on the old brown rice and the herbal tea for the greater part of me.

If ever there were any doubt that Chris Difford is one of our greatest living lyricists...

8. Black Grape - Fat Neck

(From 'It's Great When You're Straight ... Yeah'.)

I dunno, I reckon if I had Shaun Ryder telling me I had a fat neck - I mean, Shaun Ryder! - that'd probably send me down Weightwatchers. The government ought to appoint him as Minister For Health. He'd sort out the obesity epidemic quick smart.

7. Babybird - 45 & Fat

(From 'Ugly Beautiful'.)

I'm working on my middle-aged spread so that in a few years time I can adopt this as my theme song. Pizza for tea last night - fish and chips for lunch today!

Stephen Jones claims here that he'll "sing about love until he's 45 and fat". He must have changed his mind, otherwise he'd have quit three years back. Phew!

6. Fats Domino - The Fat Man

(From 'Greatest Hits: Walking To New Orleans'.)

They call him the Fat Man - 'cos he weighs 200 pounds
But all the girls love him, 'cos he knows his way around

I bet Cee Lo Green can sympathise...

5. Queen - Fat Bottomed Girls

(From 'Jazz'.)

There were those who accused Queen of sexism back when this record was released in 1978. Oh yes, those enlightened ultra-pc days of the 70s! Compared to the likes of Sir Mixalot, Freddie and the gang's attitude now seems tame and quaint. Also - Freddie Mercury: sexist? Puh-lease.

4. Bad Manners - Lip Up, Fatty

(From 'Bad Manners'.)

Ah, Buster Bloodvessel. The world's unlikeliest pop star. The history of pop just wouldn't be the same without his boiler-suited girth. OK, Buster, you can put your tongue away now. Please.

3. Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine - Sheriff Fatman

(From 'Straw Donkey: the Singles'.)

Someone call up Roger Cook and The United Nations!

2. Morrissey - You're The One For Me, Fatty

(From 'Your Arsenal'.)

Say what you want about Morrissey, but he knows his fanbase. He knows its made up of the lonely, the unpretty, the people who feel they don't quite belong, the freaks and geeks. (Hey, I should know.) And just as he reached out and put his arms around the wheelchair-bound "monster" spawned in November, here he gives a big hug to everyone who knows that Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others. For someone who hates the human race as much as Morrissey appears to, he's a mass of contradictions.

1. The Beautiful South - Perfect 10

(From 'Quench'.)

Here's a healthy response to the weight issue, from Paul Heaton and Jacqui Abbott...

If he's extra large - well, I'm in charge

I can work this thing on top

And if he's XXL - well, what the hell?

Every penny doesn't fit the slot

The anorexic chicks - the model 6...

Don't hold no weight with me

Well 8 or 9, yeah, that's just fine

I like to hold something I can see

It's obviously a subject close to Heaton's waistline as he released his debut solo album 'Fat Chance' under the pseudonym 'Biscuit Boy'.



OK, put down that cake and tell me your favourite fat song in the comments... and while you're getting interactive, don't forget to vote in this week's Title Fight - which is your favourite 'Drive' song?

Top Ten Songs About Horrible Young People

Having recently watched the movie F on DVD, I'm now even more afraid of scary hoody-wearing young people than ever. As with Eden Lake and French horror Them ('Ils'), it transforms the beastly little oiks you see spitting and swearing on your local street corner into murderous horror film monsters. Now I don't want to go all Mail On Sunday on you and call this a mirror reflecting our society (after all, older generations have been screaming that "the kids are out of control" ever since Adam fathered Cain and Abel), though when you hear about children taking guns into school, knife attacks and junior gang warfare, you can't help but shudder. I prefer to think that, like many good horror films, F merely reflects our society back at us through a cracked mirror darkly. But maybe I'm just looking on the bright side again (you know me!)...

Anyway, I'd recommend F as a cool little urban horror that refuses to take the easier plot paths, shows admirable restraint in terms of violence, and features a stand out performance from David Schofield as the teacher under siege. Cool ending too.

It also inspired this top ten, which needs no further introduction...


10. Morrissey - The Teachers Are Afraid Of The Pupils

Back in the days of The Smiths, Morrissey sang about being terrorised by the "belligerent ghouls" who ran Manchester school. "Spineless swines, demented minds." By the time he hit middle age, he'd grown to see things from the other side of the classroom...

So you stand by the board
Full of fear and intention
And, if you think that they're listening
Well, you've got to be joking

Mucus on your collar
A nail up through the staff chair
A blade in your soap
And you cry into your pillow
To be finished would be a relief

Being Morrissey, of course, he can't help but blame the parents too...

Say the wrong word to our children ...
We'll have you, oh yes, we'll have you
Lay a hand on our children
And it's never too late to have you

9. Carter USM - The Young Offender's Mum

All God's children snatch a handbag
Spot the ball and mash the granddad
Choose the pictures on the news
Count the stitches on the bruise
Lock your sons up with your daughters
Stay at home, don't drink the water

Carter, on the other hand, do find some sympathy for the parents...

Don't lose your temper
In the shopping centre, son
Just remember
The young offender's mum

8. Dan Le Sac Versus Scroobius Pip - Great Britain

Leave it to Scroobius Pip to deliver a more level-head appraisal of the situation...

See sometimes Britain ain't that great
Kids getting stabbed at an alarming rate
Press with a passion to exaggerate
Increasingly clueless heads of state

He even tries to come up with a few of his own solutions. Listen to the song to find out more.

7. Mikrofisch - The Kids Are All Shite

Ah, but now we're getting to the heart of the matter. What's wrong with kids today? It's all down to the music they listen to, reckon Mikrofisch...

Coldplay, Keane and Kaiser Chiefs
Kasabian, Jet and Razorlight
Kings of Leon, Dead 60s...
The kids are all shite!

There's a slight flaw with their argument though. I reckon most of the artists listed above are predominantly listened to by 30+ blokes. (I don't mind the Dead 60s or early Kaisers.) Most kids these days wouldn't be seen dead with a Coldplay CD. I doubt most of them even know what a CD is.

6. My Chemical Romance - Teenagers

Or, if they're a little bit emo, they might be listening to My Chemical Romance... even though those same unruly teenagers scare the shit out of Gerard Way...

5. Ian Dury & The Blockheads - Rough Kids

In case you're thinking Rough Kids are a 21st Century phenomenon, here's Ian Dury whinging about them from back in the late 70s... when I was a rough kid me'sen. I hope I wasn't responsible for this song.

Rough kids play rough games and kick tin cans
Leave their feet out in the aisle
Rough kids have bother and make nuisance
They climb on someone else's fence
Rough kids give m-m-m-m-m-mama no obedience
You know, you know, they've got no sense

4. Elbow - Lippy Kids

Introducing Lippy Kids on their recent tour, Guy Garvey explained that while he does sometimes find himself intimidated by the kids on the corner of his street, he wouldn't want to send them home. Hanging around with his mates at that age was a big part of his development, and led towards him being the man he is today. Somehow, nice Guy that Garvey is, I doubt he's the sort to ever terrorise an old lady... and he never perfected that simian stroll. The Garvey gang spent all their time building rockets.

3. Jarvis Cocker - Fat Children

In which Jarvis gets mugged and murdered by a bunch of flabby delinquents... then comes back to haunt them.

Oh, the parents are the problem
Giving birth to maggots without the sense to become flies

2. Frank Turner - Thatcher Fucked The Kids

Which brings us to Frank Turner... and, man, is he angry.

Whatever happened to childhood?
We're all scared of the kids in our neighbourhood
They're not small, charming and harmless
They're a violent bunch of bastard little shits.

Don't mince your words there, Frank, will you?

And anyone who looks younger than me
Makes me check for my wallet, my phone and my keys,
And I'm tired of being tired out
Always being on the lookout for thieving gits.

But, Frank, who could be responsible for this terrible state of affairs...?

So all the kids are bastards,
But don't blame them, yeah, they learn by example.
Blame the folks who sold the future for the highest bid:
That's right, Thatcher fucked the kids.

And if you don't believe him, listen to the full song for more of his argument...

1. The Indelicates - We Hate The Kids

Long time readers of this blog will not be surprised to see this at number one. It is my favourite single of the 21st Century after all. Just press play.

Oh yeah, we mean it...

So... do you hate the kids? Or blame the parents?

(And can I respond with a Top Ten Songs About Horrible Old People? I can only think of a couple so far...)

Top Ten Rubbish Songs

Proof, if proof be needed, that it's possible to compile a Top Ten songs about any subject... even a load of old rubbish.

Special runners-up prizes go to Garbage and the Trash Can Sinatras...

10. Lonnie Donegan - My Old Man's A Dustman

Skiffle-king Donegan angered traditionalists with his turn to musical hall comedy in 1960 - but it proved one of his biggest hits, as well as his third and final Number One. In case you didn't know what a dustman was, the title also provided the following, slightly less poetic parenthesis... (Ballad Of A Refuse Disposal Officer).

Me, I always wanted to know what those "gor-blimey trousers" his old man wore were all about...

9. Blanche - Garbage Picker

Southern Gothic country madness helmed by husband and wife duo Dan John and Tracie Mae Miller...

My debonair style impressed you,
But you kept asking where I shop,
And that day you saw me picking by the roadside,
Was the day that our romance stopped.

8. Raveonettes - Love In A Trashcan

Those crazy Danes, they'll do it anywhere...

7. Johnny Cash - Country Trash

Listening to this song, I feel a strange kinship for Johnny Cash. I suppose I'm doing all right for country trash...

6. Blur - For Tomorrow

The song that gives the album Modern Life Is Rubbish its name, inspired in part by the fact that when they first moved to London, Damon Albarn's parents lived next door to John Lennon. Or so it says on Wikipedia. Which probably means it's bollocks.

5. The Faces - Debris

Rod Stewart used to be cool. Rubbish?

4. Michael Anderson - White Trash Shakespeare

I have no idea where I find these things. This is from a contemporary country album which also contains an excellent song called Raymond Chandler Said. I think someone might have pointed me towards that while compiling my Top Ten Detective Songs.

3. New York Dolls - Trash

While I don't share Morrissey's undying adoration of this band, this is probably the best thing I've heard from them: a raucous slab of pre-punk glam with a nice Mick Jagger impression from lead singer David Johansen.

2. Suede - Trash

25 years later, Suede recorded virtually the same song - yet made it sound completely different. There is a direct line from David Johansen through to Bret Anderson, but I'm not sure the Dolls were the inspiration behind Suede's biggest hit. Maybe it's just one of those glorious flukes pop throws up from time to time.

Maybe, maybe it's the clothes we wear,
The tasteless bracelets and the dye in our hair,
Maybe it's our kookiness,
Or maybe, maybe it's our nowhere towns,
Our nothing places and our cellophane sounds,
Maybe it's our looseness,


But we're trash, you and me,
We're the litter on the breeze,
We're the lovers on the streets...

1. Carter USM - Rubbish

The only problem with that Suede song, much as I love it and want to make it Number #1, is that it's not very British, is it, Bret? Where I come from, we don't have trashcans, we have rubbish bins.

"What do you think of the programme so far?" asks John Peel midway through this track. Wisely, Jim Bob and Fruitbat leave us to provide our own answers...

I wish I'd discovered Carter back in 1992... why did no one tell me?

From the black bag skip in the parking lot
It's a short bad trip to the candy shop
Where the shrimps sell smack to the jelly snakes
And the kids buy crack in their morning break


And the grass grows bluer on the other side
Where the old girls queue for their Mother's Pride
For a slice of life it's a bargain sale
The price is right but the bread is stale


From the high rise priest of the office blocks
To a five year lease on a cardboard box
From the old queens head to the Burger King
In my '57 Chevy made from baked bean tins


And when I drive that heap down the road
You can hear that cheap car stereo
Volume knob turned down low
Rubbish on the radio

Those were mine... what's your favourite rubbish song?

Top Ten Songs About The 90s

50s...

60s...

70s...

80s...

And finally...

The 90s is just as maligned as the 80s, if not more so. But I'll defend it with equal fervour. Though it was something of a rollercoaster personally, musically it was my time. Britpop gets a lot of negative press, but so many of my favourite bands came from that era that I can forgive it the thuggish excesses of Oasis.

Pulp, Blur, Suede, the Manics, Radiohead, The Verve, the Divine Comedy, Ash, Gene, My Life Story, Catatonia, Supergrass - even Ocean Colour Scene and Shed Seven had their moments. In many ways, these bands represent my teenage revolution - even though I had to wait till I was in my 20s to properly embrace sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll. Well, ill-advised relationships, Jack Daniels and Britpop, anyway.

As with the other lists, this is NOT a Top Ten Songs FROM The 90s... only a Top Ten Songs ABOUT The 90s...

10. Travis - Tied To The 90s

Let's start with the obvious one (though not quite as obvious as the one we'll end with). Travis began life as a cute, knockabout indie band. On their second album, they discovered big ballads. On their third, they discovered pandering to the lowest common denominator and trying to beat the upstarts Coldplay at the game the stole from Travis in the first place. On their fourth album, they lost. What went wrong, eh?

9. Seahorses - 1999

I always thought the Seahorses had more potential than their one album and final unrelated single showed. John Squire got bored too easily and went off to paint pictures of dolphin. He could have been a contender...

16 sweet Chablis sham kisses
17 nothings whispered in her ear
18 attempts on her best pair of knickers
1999 was a hell of a year

8. Moxy Fruvous - Stuck In The 90s

Weird Canadian comedy hipsters from the early 90s who released one classic album (Video Bargainville) and then decided to try and become proper, serious musicians... which was much less entertaining.

7. Eminem - '97 Bonnie & Clyde

In which Em tries to prove himself a suitable father to Hailey by singing Will Smith lullabies and trying to murder her mum. Again.

What can I say? It appeals to my warped sense of humour.

6. Picture Centre - Fireworks October 1990

A band so fey and ephemeral they make Belle & Sebastian sound butch, this is wonderful 3am chill-out stuff. A band so forgotten, they don't even rate a Wikipedia entry. But I remember them.

Just.

5. Blur - End Of A Century

See, I was going to select 1992 , which is all very well, but not really a patch on the song above. So that's what you get.

End of a century?
It's nothing special...

4. Carter USM - The 90s Revival / 1993

Ah, Carter. How I wish I could claim to have been a huge fan of your under-appreciated oeuvre "back in the day". Sadly, it passed me by. Only now, in the 21st Century, am I finally coming to appreciate your greatness. Just in time for your forthcoming reunion tour. That'll be a true 90s revival.

3. Fountains Of Wayne - '92 Subaru

Most car songs celebrate classic '57 Chevvies and their ilk. The FOWs can only afford a late model Subaru, second hand from some old ladies out of state. Ah, but they love it like a Caddy.

2. The Soundtrack Of Our Lives - Instant Repeater '99

Often when you see a year on the end of a song title it's only there to show you when the song was recorded - or, more frequently in the 90s, remixed. Tonight though, Swedish serial guitar abusers TSOOL will actually sing '99 like it's... well, erm, the next record in our countdown. (Even though the song itself was released in '96.)

1. Prince - 1999

Like it was ever going to be anything else. Originally released in 1983, a much bigger hit in 1985, reissued for no reason I can figure in the final year of the millennium (unless you're one of those people who believes the final year of the millennium was 2000)... a song that created its own idiom.

Somebody once told me that come the 21st Century you'd never hear this record again. "Why would anybody play it once it's out of date?" Um... because its sentiment is timeless? There's no reason not to party like it's 1999 even in 2011 if you want to.

As for my own millennium memories... I had the flu so I spent the turn of the century in bed. (It really was 'nothing special'.) Was it as good as everybody thought it would be...?



And so we end our countdown of songs about decades. I won't be compiling a Top Ten Songs About The Noughties because it's all still too close and there aren't yet enough decent ones to go round. Maybe one day...

In the meantime, do you have a favourite song about the 90s? If so, you know what to do with it.

Next week, something completely different...

Rubbish!