The Top Ten Fat Songs

The news keeps telling us we're living through an Obesity Epidemic. Britain and the USA are the worst offenders - apparently half the UK will be clinically obese by the year 2030.

Personally, I think if your weight is making you miserable, or affecting your day-to-day health... then do something about it. But if you're happy as you are - well, life's too short not to have that extra helping of pudding. You might be hit by a bus tomorrow. And the more padding you have, the more chance of survival.

Here's 10 songs to help you celebrate letting your belt out one more notch...

10. The Fat Boys & Chubby Checker - The Twist

(From 'The Best Of The Fat Boys'.)

Everyone laughed at The Fat Boys, but the Fat Boys had the last laugh when they became a huge success with their humorous rapping and human beatbox performances. Sadly, one of the Fat Boys died of a heart attack aged only 28. The other two appear to have slimmed down a little since then.

9. Chris Difford - Fat As A Fiddle

(From 'The Last Temptation Of Chris'.)

Now I have tits just like my mum
I'm out breath before I run
I like to eat because it's fun
But it comes at such a price.

I'm on the old brown rice and the herbal tea for the greater part of me.

If ever there were any doubt that Chris Difford is one of our greatest living lyricists...

8. Black Grape - Fat Neck

(From 'It's Great When You're Straight ... Yeah'.)

I dunno, I reckon if I had Shaun Ryder telling me I had a fat neck - I mean, Shaun Ryder! - that'd probably send me down Weightwatchers. The government ought to appoint him as Minister For Health. He'd sort out the obesity epidemic quick smart.

7. Babybird - 45 & Fat

(From 'Ugly Beautiful'.)

I'm working on my middle-aged spread so that in a few years time I can adopt this as my theme song. Pizza for tea last night - fish and chips for lunch today!

Stephen Jones claims here that he'll "sing about love until he's 45 and fat". He must have changed his mind, otherwise he'd have quit three years back. Phew!

6. Fats Domino - The Fat Man

(From 'Greatest Hits: Walking To New Orleans'.)

They call him the Fat Man - 'cos he weighs 200 pounds
But all the girls love him, 'cos he knows his way around

I bet Cee Lo Green can sympathise...

5. Queen - Fat Bottomed Girls

(From 'Jazz'.)

There were those who accused Queen of sexism back when this record was released in 1978. Oh yes, those enlightened ultra-pc days of the 70s! Compared to the likes of Sir Mixalot, Freddie and the gang's attitude now seems tame and quaint. Also - Freddie Mercury: sexist? Puh-lease.

4. Bad Manners - Lip Up, Fatty

(From 'Bad Manners'.)

Ah, Buster Bloodvessel. The world's unlikeliest pop star. The history of pop just wouldn't be the same without his boiler-suited girth. OK, Buster, you can put your tongue away now. Please.

3. Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine - Sheriff Fatman

(From 'Straw Donkey: the Singles'.)

Someone call up Roger Cook and The United Nations!

2. Morrissey - You're The One For Me, Fatty

(From 'Your Arsenal'.)

Say what you want about Morrissey, but he knows his fanbase. He knows its made up of the lonely, the unpretty, the people who feel they don't quite belong, the freaks and geeks. (Hey, I should know.) And just as he reached out and put his arms around the wheelchair-bound "monster" spawned in November, here he gives a big hug to everyone who knows that Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others. For someone who hates the human race as much as Morrissey appears to, he's a mass of contradictions.

1. The Beautiful South - Perfect 10

(From 'Quench'.)

Here's a healthy response to the weight issue, from Paul Heaton and Jacqui Abbott...

If he's extra large - well, I'm in charge

I can work this thing on top

And if he's XXL - well, what the hell?

Every penny doesn't fit the slot

The anorexic chicks - the model 6...

Don't hold no weight with me

Well 8 or 9, yeah, that's just fine

I like to hold something I can see

It's obviously a subject close to Heaton's waistline as he released his debut solo album 'Fat Chance' under the pseudonym 'Biscuit Boy'.



OK, put down that cake and tell me your favourite fat song in the comments... and while you're getting interactive, don't forget to vote in this week's Title Fight - which is your favourite 'Drive' song?

Top Ten Bored Songs

A couple of weeks back, the ennui set in with my Top Ten Boring Songs. As if that wasn't enough to bore you to death, here come another ten...

10. Chris Difford - On My Own I'm Never Bored

Chris Difford is a man after my own heart. The only time I ever get bored is at work... so I guess that won't be a problem in a couple of weeks...!

From 'The Last Temptation Of Chris'.

9. Paul Armfield - Why Should It Be That A Man Gets Bored

I don't know much about singer-songwriter Paul Armfield, but I find it hard to believe any man could get bored listening to this beautiful track.

8. Edwyn Collins - Bored

Edwyn Collins gives new meaning to the words "rock 'n' roll survivor".

From his amazing, Lazarus-like comeback album, 'Losing Sleep'.

7. Manic Street Preachers - Bored Out Of My Mind

I'm bored out of my mind and I'm too stoned lazy to see...

From 'Lipstick Traces (A Secret History of Manic Street Preachers)'.

6. The Adverts - Bored Teenagers

Some punky racket by a load of snotty-nosed upstarts from the 70s. In case you like that sort of thing.

From 'Anthology'.

5. Evan Dando - Baby I'm Bored

OK, strictly speaking this isn't the name of a song, it's the name of an album... but considering it neatly sums up Evan Dando's entire career - the consummate "can't be arsed" slacker king - I couldn't leave it out.

Like the Dude himself, it's good to know Evan Dando is out there, taking it easy for all the rest of us sinners.

'Baby I'm Bored'.

4. The Clash - I'm So Bored With The USA

Yankee detectives
Are always on the TV
'Cos killers in America
Work seven days a week

In the UK, of course, killers always take Thursday afternoons off. They're not all "work, work, work".

From 'The Clash (UK Version)'.

3. Grandaddy - Kim, You Bore Me To Death

Ah, Grandaddy. They sure knew how to write a song title.

We met at a party
I was drunk and smoking cloves
I really just needed a ride back to town
No, I don't smoke cloves anymore

Amusingly, whoever uploaded this to youtube decided the song must have been written about Kim Jong Il. Man, that must have been some party - who invited both Jason Lytle and Kim Jong Il? (At least Kim wouldn't have been so very rone-ry that night.)

From 'The Broken Down Comforter Collection'.

2. Morrissey - The World Is Full Of Crashing Bores

In which Morrissey bemoans a world of "policewomen, policemen, silly women taxmen, uniformed whores" and "lockjawed pop stars, thicker than pig shit" with "nothing to convey"... before concluding, with typical self-deprecation...

And I must be one, 'cos no one ever turns to me to say
Take me in your arms, Take me in your arms
And love me, And love me

From 'You Are The Quarry'.

1. Iggy Pop - I'm Bored

Iggy Pop isn't just bored - he's the Chairman of the Bored. I suppose that might explain why he ended up doing those car insurance ads.

From 'Best Of Iggy Pop'.



For my next top ten, I promise you something far more... exciting...

Top Ten Songs About The 70s

So following my trawl through the 50s and 60s, we finally reach the decade that gave us Showaddywaddy, The Love Boat, Pong, Margaret Thatcher, bell-bottoms, the three day week and... me.

As already established, this isn't my Top Ten Songs From The 70s (hence no Born To Run at #1), just songs about that dismal decade...

10. Josh Rouse - 1972

Let's begin in the year of my birth with this wistful ditty about two young lovers caught between smoking pot and playing pool in the afternoon, working nights at the drive-thru, and screwing in a motel room all the rest of the time. None of which I did myself in 1972, given that I was 0.

9. The Connells - 74-75

I was the one who let you know
I was sorry ever after
74-75

Don't look at me, I was just a toddler.

It amuses me that when you type "Connells" into wikipedia it takes you to a page about a British estate agent, with a small link saying "Do you mean the American rock band?" Their marketing team must be working overtime.

8. Alice Cooper - Teenage Lament 74

A song actually written and recorded in the year it describes, though the experience of being a teenager trapped in a home with squabbling parents and dreaming of rock 'n' roll escape is pretty much timeless (I'm sure Samuel Pepys covered it in his own teenage diaries).

I ran into my room
And I fell down on my knees
Well, I thought that fifteen
Was gonna be a breeze
I picked up my guitar
To blast away the clouds
But somebody in the next room yelled
"You gotta turn that damn thing down!"

7. Smashing Pumpkins - 1979

Billy Corgan is scary. Look at him in this video. No, look at him. Why has no one ever cast him as a vampire in a really scary horror film? Eh? Because it wouldn't get past the censors, that's why.

Even scarier is the pun-ishing name of the album this came from: Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. Ouch.

6. Chris Difford - 1975

Like Billy Joel's We Didn't Start The Fire, Chris traces his life as a songwriter, beginning in '75. It's a much more personal journey than Joel's This Day In History romp, and yet, through all the ups and downs of fame and fortune, Squeeze's top man still has to conclude, "I've never been so happy as 1975." There's a lesson there somewhere.

5. The Ataris - Summer '79

Ten years after Bryan Adams had his moment in the sun, the Ataris turn up to celebrate roller-rinks, air hockey tables and "We Are The Champions". Given that Bryan Adams was only 9 in the Summer of '69 and the Ataris didn't form until the mid 90s, they were probably foetuses duruing the year in question. Then again, I had some of my happiest times as a foetus...

4. Ryan Adams - 1974

From the underrated Rock 'n' Roll album - at the time, everybody said "it's not as good as Heartbreaker or Gold", but that's only because they hadn't heard some of the dreck he's released since. That said, given that this song is all about the year of Ryan's birth... he's still achieved a heck of a lot more with his life than I have, and I had a two year head start!

3. The Alarm - Spirit Of '76

Anthemic guitar pop from the valleys... could the Alarm be the 80s Manics? If you're in the right frame of mind, this song could bring a tear to the eye. If you're in the wrong frame of mind, those tears will be buffeted by laughter.

2. Ed Harcourt - Born In The 70s

Another autobiographical piece from another performer younger than myself...

I was born in the year punk broke
Days before the king was dead

I'm old enough to remember Elvis's death on the TV (though for some reason, Lennon's death a couple of years later failed to register). Ed Harcourt appears to view the 70s as the birth of the Me-Generation that would rise to power in the 80s...

Born in the '70s
(No, we don't really give a fuck about you)
Born in the '70s
(No we don't really give a fuck about you)

1. The Clash - 1977

And while Ed was crawling round in his nappies, Joe Strummer and co. were really not giving a fuck. There was no Elvis, no Beatles and no Rolling Stones in 1977 - just The Clash. And the toilet didn't work.



Anyone who leaves a "but I wasn't even born in the 70s, Rol, nyah nyah nyah" comment wins a very special price. A Silver Jubilee tankard. To the face.

But... what's your favourite Song of the Seventies?