Movie Review: Carnage

Should you be the sort of nihilist who believes that pleasant society is a "waffer thin" masquerade that threatens to crumble at any second... that all human relationships are built around insecurity and resentment rather than love and trust... and that everybody secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) hates everybody else... then Roman Polanski's adaptation of the blackly comic Carnage by French playwright Yasmina Reza is the movie for you. Go see it now: I insist.

The premise is simple: two sets of liberal New York parents gather to discuss a playground fight between their respective sons. Jodie Foster and John C. Reilly's boy, Ethan, has had two teeth knocked after being struck with a stick by Kate Winslet and Christoph Waltz's son, Zachary. What starts as a cordial get-together to discuss a minor childhood fracas soon descends into anarchy as the two parental pairs go to war - with each other and themselves. Tempers fray and allegiances switch (and switch again). It's couple vs. couple, spouse vs. spouse, husband vs. husband, wife vs. wife, every man and woman for him or herself... with whiskey, cigars, pear and apple cobbler, projectile vomiting and a "dead" hamster thrown in for fun.

Carnage is an actor's dream, and Polanski wisely steps aside and leaves the film to his thesps. Winslet and Foster compete in the uptight bitch category (until alcohol loosens their inhibitions) while the always excellent Christoph Waltz displays his prodigious talent for deadpan grimaces. But the real revelation here is Reilly, going from bumbling nice guy to bitter, misanthropic bigot in the space of an hour. Which only makes us love him more.

Should you believe people are inherently decent, you might want to leave that opinion at the door... or prepare to think again.

It's All About Meme

Stolen from Sunday Stealing...

1) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Buy my comic.

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Today, I feel like saying Stan Lee.

3) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Los Angeles circa 1940, when Raymond Chandler and Philip Marlowe walked those streets.

4) What do you think about most?

Stories.

5) You have the opportunity to spend a romantic night with the music celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

If you'd asked me this when I was 16, I'd have replied Carol Decker. Today though...?

Amanda Palmer. Not because I fancy her, just to piss Neil Gaiman off.

6) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

What doesn't kill you just makes you stronger. Most of the horrible experiences in my past have proved inspirational fodder for stories...

7) What's your strangest talent?

Being able to sleep with headphones on.

8) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?

Where did you bury the body?

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Of course. Morrissey just doesn't realise it.

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?

The last time I heard this...

11) Do you have any strange phobias?

Gumpophobia: The Fear of Tom Hanks.

12) What's your religion?

True believer (see question 2).

13) What is your current desktop picture?

14) When you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Walking.

15) What's the last song you listened to?

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Not at all simple. The obvious answer would be The Smiths... but a more contemporary answer would be The Indelicates.

17) What was the last lie you told?

"No, I don't want to go home."

18) Do you believe in karma?

I'm scared to say no, just in case...

19) What is a saying you say a lot?

"Hey, man, this is a private residence!"

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

i) Being rubbish at everything.

ii) Fooling people into believing I'm not.

21) Who is your celebrity crush?

Kate Winslet's restraining order has barred me from answering this question.

22) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: heart.

Tragically, it was 'beat'. I must be a closet Nick Berry fan. I claim Buddy Holly.

23) How do you vent your anger?

With a silent scream.

24) Do you have a collection of anything?

Comics, though it's rapidly dwindling. Music. Books.

25) What is your favorite word?

Coffee. Hmm, coffee...

Movie Review: Contagion

For years, I didn't like Gwyneth Paltrow very much. I found her whiny. 'Whiny, whiny, whiny boots of leather', I used to sing whenever she whined her way onto my cinema screen. Followed by a chorus of '6ix' by the Lemonheads, based on her unfortunate fate in the movie Se7en, notable for its refrain, "Here comes Gwyneth's head in a box". I was thrown out of many a Gwyneth Paltrow film for doing this, but it was worth it.

Yet in recent years, particularly following her standout performances in Iron Man and Country Strong, I've grown a grudging appreciation of Gwyneth's talents. Thank god then for Steven Soderberg, here in the nick of time to confirm what a skanky, disease ridden strumpet Chris Martin's missus really is. If you don't like Gwyneth, that's one damn good reason to watch Contagion right there. Nasty things do happen to her.

Nasty things happening to famous, pretty people is basically what Contagion is all about. But while I could happily sit through Gwyneth foaming at the mouth, I had less time for the unfortunate fates of Kate Winslet and Marion Cotillard. The women do most of the suffering in Soderberg's H1N1 disaster movie while the blokes do most of the whining. Matt Damon's most upset about losing his wife and child to the virus, though the worst his own symptoms get are a fat face and a bad mullet. Meanwhile, Lawrence Fishburne thinks he's still in CSI and Jude Law plays cinema's most hateful nerd, giving a bad name to bloggers everywhere. When Elliot Gould tells him "blogging's not journalism - it's just graffiti with punctuation", I almost considered hanging up my keyboard. Thank god then for Jennifer Ehle, not just the film's one true hero but also it's only brief moment of sex appeal. Even when the world's going to hell in a hand basket, it's good to know our top scientists still wear hold-up stockings.

I didn't enjoy Contagion as much as the critics. It was a competent, plausible, at times unnerving thriller that followed exactly the path you'd expect with few surprises. If you've seen Outbreak, you know exactly what's coming. That the human race is almost doomed by a pig, a bat and Gwyneth Paltrow was curiously satisfying to the misanthrope in me... but my hypochondriac side hated watching it in a packed cinema with people coughing and spluttering all around. I'd suggest watching it from inside a Jacko-style isolation tent... or the comfort of your own home. Don't talk to anyone. Don't touch anyone. Especially Gwyneth.

This Time It's Personal Meme (Part 1)

Stolen from Sunday Stealing...

1. Are you happier now than you were five months ago?

Hmmm... yes. Just about.

2. Have you ever slept in the same bed with someone you shouldn't have?

No. But I have slept in a different bed to someone I shouldn't have. Many times.

3. Can you sleep in total darkness?

Yes.

4. Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for, the one who got away, what do you say?

"Ms. Winslet? How did you get my number?"

5. What do you think about the weather this summer?

Summer appears to have changed forever, doesn't it? Summer now seems to involve a nice warm May followed by two months of rain, wind and clouds like tarmac - with an occasional teasingly bright spell, but nothing to compare to late Spring.

I'm hoping for a brighter Autumn.

6. How many people do you trust with everything?

I trust no one with everything.

7. What was the last thing you drank?

Black coffee.

8. Is there anyone you want to come see you?

Well, Kate Winslet did just give me a call... but no, I had to turn her down. Again.

9. Name one thing you love about winter?



10. Have you ever dated a Goth?

Sadly not. That's not to say I didn't try, in my younger days, but I was just too miserable for her.

11. What are you looking forward to tomorrow?

Going to see The Expendables.

12. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having?

Work.

13. What's the longest that you have committed to one person and one person only?

As long as it'll be until Louise finally wises up and kicks my ass to the kerb.

14. What’s the first thing you did when you opened your eyes today?

Closed them again.

15. Has anyone ever told you they never want to ever lose you?

Tina Turner and Gloria Estefan. Those girls were always fighting over me.

16. Is there anybody you wish you could fix your relationship with?

Audi drivers. I wish I could fix it so they behaved like civilized, considerate human beings.

17. Could you go out in public, looking like you do now?

I just did. Why, what's wrong with me?

18. Do you think things will change in the next 3 months? How?

Yes. I'll suddenly become an overnight success, after only 20 years trying.

19. Do you believe that you never know what you've got 'til it's gone?

Sadly, yes. Conversely, I also believe you never truly know what you want until you get it.

20. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

Yes. What am I, a neanderthal?