Top Ten Tea Songs

What sort of True Brit would I be, listing my Top Ten Coffee Songs, if I didn't follow with a tribute to The Great British Cuppa?


10. Nirvana - Pennyroyal Tea

"Give me a Leonard Cohen afterlife", pleads Kurt Cobain, "so I can sigh eternally".

Wonder if he got his wish?

9. The Proclaimers - Lulu Selling Tea

Like a Scottish Housemartins, The Proclaimers "voice their dissent" over the fact that the 60s people always talk about isn't the same decade they remember from the childhood. It's not the Beatles they grew up on, but...

Mother's Pride on the table, Batman on TV
A Man In A Suitcase, Daktari and Skippy
Jimmy Clitheroe, Colin Stein and Lulu selling tea

8. Supergrass - Whisky & Green Tea

Story of my life. Whiskey in my 20s, Green Tea in my 30s. Man, I needed those antioxidants!

7. Philip Jeays - The Tea Dance

Welcome to the tea dance
Old debutants getting up on their toes
Darjeeling and romance
Between potted plants and yesterday's Romeos

Philip Jeays - give that man an Ivor Novello.

6. Joni Mitchell - The Tea Leaf Prophecy

Still working my way through Simon Goddard's Mozipedia, and I hadn't realised how much of an influence Joni M. was on Mozzer's songwriting. Could this be her Ouija Board, Ouija Board...?

Out of the blue--just passin' thru
A young flight sergeant
On two weeks leave--
Says "Molly McGee--no one else will do!"
And seals the tea-leaf prophecy.

5. Frank Turner - A Decent Cup Of Tea

As mentioned already, Frank Turner is my musical discovery of the year, combining the fire and brimstone of a youthful Billy Bragg with the epic ambition of Springsteen. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to have found a young songwriter who speaks to me as much as Frank does.

It's obvious to me,
But she never seems to see
That it's not about the days when everything has turned out right,
No it's more about the moments when she calls me in the night
To make her cups of tea and wash the weary worries from her head
And then to draw the pain out slowly as I put her into bed.

4. Belle & Sebastian - For The Price Of A Cup Of Tea

For the price of a cup of tea
You'd get a line of coke
For the price of a night with me
You'd be the village joke

Cue self-deprecating gag. Stuart Murdoch sets 'em up, I knock 'em down.

3. Fortunes - Storm In A Teacup

Pitter patter. Pitter patter.

2. The Scaremongers - Tea Leaves

From my favourite record of 2009, the Number One album Born In A Barn.

Didn't know it'd made Number One? Here's the proof.

1. Cat Stevens - Tea For The Tillerman

Used as the theme to Ricky Gervais's Extras, this short (just over a minute) track is both poignant and uplifting. Not a clue what it's actually about, but it always makes me think of the foiled ambition of Andy Millman, Maggie Jacobs and Barry from Eastenders.



So... how do you take yours?

Off The Wagon

I have a confession to make.

After years of restraint, circumspection and self-discipline, I have slipped.

I have fallen off the wagon.

I'm drinking again.

No. Not alcohol. (Sorry, Penelope.)

Not alcohol, but almost as bad.

The dreaded bean.

Coffee.

I managed to kick the habit three years ago, fighting my way through the withdrawal headaches to the point where I actually believed I didn't need it anymore. But there's nothing compares with the smell of freshly brewed coffee in a morning (not even napalm), and I've been lured back in. Maybe I needed a little drug abuse to help me deal with the back pain. Whatever my excuse, I'm drinking again. And though it's only a couple of times a week, I can feel the addiction digging in its claws.

I'm limiting my abuse to proper coffee only. Filter coffee, never instant. Which means I only drink when I'm out or visiting my folks, occasionally at home (via cafetiere)... and every now and then, from a coffee shop.

This morning I had to take my car in for a new exhaust. With an hour to kill, I drifted into town and found myself besieged by coffee shops. I'd actually intended to go record shopping. Louise found a band on the Glastonbury coverage we both thought sounded pretty cool (The Avett Brothers) and I thought I'd pick up their CD. I remember when I was a kid, a trip into town offered a myriad of possible music outlets. Now there's only sad old HMV. The lone survivor of the high street music decimation. And did they have the disc? Did they buggery. No record shops then... but thousands of coffee shops. Everywhere you look. Starbucks. Cafe Nero. Costa Coffee. Merrie England (!) Not to mention the independents. There's a coffee shop on every corner. How do they all stay in business? Are we that addicted?

I chose an independent. The last time I visited Starbucks I was disturbed to discover their takeaway cupholders are made from 'post-consumer fibre'. How Soylent Green is that? I liked the look of this place though, and the fact that the owner was playing (and singing along to) Gene as I walked in. His patter was slick too - "there you go, young man" - till I realised it was just his standard routine. You feel less enamoured by someone addressing you as "young man" when he gives the same line to the pensioner following you in the queue. But then it happened. The thing I've found keeps happening, ever since I started frequenting coffee shops again...

It's always the same. I walk in and make my order. I've never been one for mocha-frappa-bollocksa-chinos. My needs are simple. I just want a plain black coffee. So that's all I ask for...

"Regular black coffee, please."

Is that not clear enough? Is there some room for misunderstanding? No? So please, someone tell me, why do I keep hearing the same question whenever I ask for a regular BLACK coffee...?

"Do you want milk with that?"

Seriously. Is it just me?