SALT (2010)

MyRating: YYYY1/2
Director: Phillip Noyce
Cast: Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Daniel Olbrychski, August Diehl
MPAA: Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of violence and action

Angelina Jolie rocked in this fully packed actions and breathtakingly entertaining movie about Evelyn Salt, a top CIA agent, who is suddenly being accused as a Russian KGB spy. Not only that, she is also accused of planning a grand scheme to assasinate the Russian President during his forthcoming visit to New York City to attend the funeral of the deceased U.S. Vice President. Being detained by the U.S. Counterintelligence to clarify her situation, Salt concerned about the safety of her husband, who she cannot contact, so in split seconds, Salt decides to escape and run away. And soon, she becomes the number one target of the chase by the U.S. Counterintelligence, lead by Peabody (Ejiofor). And Salt's action to run, and what she does after that, has increased the suspicions that she is indeed a Russian spy. Only Salt's boss, Ted Winter (Schreiber), who seems to be the only one that believes she is not a mole. But, does she or does she not?

Jolie was absolutely 100% perfect choice for the main role as Salt. She has the posture. She has the charisma. She has the looks. She has 'the X-factor' that makes Salt becoming a great heroine character. Besides that, she also has the physical vitality and fitness, confidence, and a good acting capacity, that can lure you even by a side glance of the look in her eyes. With all those qualities in her, Jolie successfully created a solid character for Salt, that everybody will definitely fall in love with. Salt (and Jolie) possesses the beauty and the brain of a woman that men love (and other women admire), not only that, she was also cool, adept, fast, quick thinking in panic situations, and most of all, she kicked ass. Jolie really fitted in the character, as if she was Salt herself in the real life. Having said all that, I don't think that any other actresses nowadays could play this character as good as Angelina Jolie. Even if there is another actress playing Salt, she will be another Salt, not this Salt that we love.

The story itself was engaging with interesting intriques and fast paced non-stop actions from the beginning till the end, gave you almost no time to hold your breath at your seat. Phillip Noyce did an outstanding job in directing this movie. The actions were top-notch and the fighting sequences were great. You will see Jolie fighting furiously against many men in close combats, running and jumping around (including jumping from a flyover to a truck), speeding a motorbike, battering down the enemy's lair and finishing-off the bad guys. And in her free times, she run.

Tom Cruise was offered to play Salt at the beginning, but he refused to play the character since he prefered to take the project of Knight and Days with Cameron Diaz, which was actually quite a good movie itself. I can imagine Cruise playing the male version of Salt though, and I believe he could make this character works as well, with his own style. But, the history has stated that not Tom Cruise who played Salt, but Angelina Jolie. And I am happy that she did. It is just not easy for an actress to play a solid and memorable heroine, whom everybody loves and cherishes. But Jolie took this job and played it well done. I believe there will be a sequel. There should be a sequel! One is not enough. I want to see more of Salt and Angelina Jolie, and I believe other people do too.

So when talking of Salt as a great action movie, maybe we are talking about Jolie who was awesome as Salt. But it doesn't matter, because they are one. Jolie is Salt. (MJ)

Top Ten People I Don't Want To Follow On Twitter

Twitter has started helpfully suggesting people I might like to follow, presumably based on the people I already follow. Some of these suggestions are making me angry. Very angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

This blog post is rated 15. Contains images of a disturbing nature and one instance of *very* strong language. Don't say you weren't warned.

10. Derren Brown - smug conjurer who really ought to spell his name with an 'a'.

9. Rich Johnson - arrogant, self-important comics gossip-columnist boob who takes special joy in pointing out errors of subbing, proofreading, continuity et al. Not itself a crime unless one makes far more basic errors oneself - such as not knowing how to spell Electro or that The Lizard was never a member of The Sinister Six.

8. Ashton Kutcher - for this, Demi ditched Bruce?

7. Fearne Cotton - DJ. Makes Jo Whiley sound interesting.

6. Neil Gaiman - ridiculously arrogant "rock star" writer who poses for author photographs dressed in leathers and riding a Harley - which is fine if you're Jim Steinman, but not if you specialise in fey goth-centred gibberish in which every one of your characters goes on endlessly about "the mystical power of stories". I'm sorry, I know you like him. Try not to hate me too much for disagreeing with you.

5. Jim Carrey - gurning "comedy" twat.

4. Russell Brand - another so-called comedian (yes, yes, humour is subjective, blah blah) whose comedy seems based entirely on a) his silly voice, b) his stupid hair, and c) his ridiculous sex-life; career-building popstar husband; and the man who singlehandedly ruined Radio 2 (by bragging about the fact that he once shagged Manuel's daughter, upsetting the Daily Mail, and bringing about the resignation of Programme Controller Lesley Douglas, leading to her replacement by someone who quite clearly doesn't have a clue what he's doing). Yes, he likes Morrissey, but he's still a tosser.

3. Mark Millar - ego-maniacal comics writer who is excellent at writing about how excellent he is... not so excellent at writing comics that don't rely heavily on clichéd shock value, unnecessary cynicism, and sub-Arnie one-liners.

2. Chris Evans* - DJ. Cunt.

1. Tom Hanks - Gump**.




*No, not Captain America.

**I did warn you I was going to use the 'G' word.

THE EXPENDABLES (2010)

MyRating: YYYY

Director: Sylvester Stallone
Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, Steve Austin, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, Giselle Itie, David Zayas, Gary Danniels, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger
MPAA: Rated R for strong action and bloody violence throughout, and for some language

Sylvester Stallone never stops what he does best, which is making action movies. And playing as the tough guy (he will always be our tough guy, whether you like him or not), Stallone proves that he still has teeth for the man of his age as an action star, including playing the triple roles, as he was also the Director and the co-Screenwriter in The Expendables. He never stops in giving his 'best' works, that shows what a spirit this man has in this industry and reminding people that he still exists. "I am still here, don't forget me yet!" (said Stallone with his 'funny-deep-mumble' voice). We have seen how hard he tried in his come back with Rocky Balboa (2006) and Rambo (2008), two of his most iconic and greatest roles. For that, we have to appreciate what he did, regardless how many people raised their eyebrows and questioned his motives with his decision to reprise those roles. Anyway, Rocky and Rambo will always stay in our hearts. One more thing, he never stops searching for new ideas. And we have to admit that his idea of collecting a bunch of 'famous' or 'used to be famous' action stars together in a movie like this was one of the wildest and craziest ideas ever in Hollywood, at the same time it was one of the most exciting ideas in the 'action movies' history. It was a brilliant idea from Mr. Stallone!

This is an old school action movie. Stallone's style! Do we think 'old school' because we think of Stallone and some of his gang here as old timers? It doesn't matter! Because The Expendables was one cool action movie. It was not only cool, but it was also one brutal and bloody violence action movie. The story is about a group of skillful mercenaries, led by Barney Ross (Stallone), who is hired to overthrow a ruthless dictator, General Garza (Zayas), in a small South American island country named Vilena. The group consists of Lee Christmas (Statham), Ying Yang (Li), Gunner Jensen (Lundgren), Toll Road (Couture) and Hale Caesar (Crews), who have various specific individual skills , from blade throwing expert, martial arts, sniping, demolitionist, and heavy weaponry specialist. They not only have to face the General with his full force of armies, but also James Munroe (Roberts), an ex-CIA agent, who is the real puppeteer of the bloodbath conflict in Vilena, and his fierce henchman, Paine (Austin). To infiltrate into the country, they have to work together with their contact, Sandra (Itie), a beautiful local rebel, who has her own secret and reasons for fighting the government. Together, they must stop the General and his puppet master from causing more deaths and destructions in Vilena, a mission too dangerous that may expend their own lives.

What more interesting than too see these bountiful action stars in this movie, who each of them have their own fans and demographics. This was the main strength of this movie and what made it so excited to watch. Stallone, Statham, Li, Lundgren and many other big-tough guys fighting like crazy in one movie. With only one entry ticket? Come on! That itself has made this movie well-worthy to watch. The actions were hard core and very brutal, with a complete package of close and bare fisted combats, heavy weaponry banging, car chasing, bloods spilling, body parts stabbing and dismembering, bone and head cracking, plus many mindless explosions. It will surely satisfy the hunger of the hard-core action fans. The action sequences was well choreographed, and on top of that, the stars made the fights beautiful and excited.

The story was simple. To sum it up easily, it was about tough guys fighting tough guys. No, it was more than that actually, but the actions and the fights were the ones that we wait. The movie was fast paced, with some funny dialogs and humors, and a good chemistry between Stallone and Statham, as the two main leads of the pack. Stallone played his role well as the leader of the group (both in screen and off screen), considering he also sat in the chair of director to maintain all those big egos of all those big actors. Jason Statham did an outstanding job. He has that charisma of a new generation action star, that not only knows how to give engaging and solid action performances, but also knows how to act well. I just love this guy more and more. While Jet Li, even though has a smaller role, also got his share to show his martial arts capability. There was interesting fight between Li and Dolph Lundgren (also Stallone's nemesis in Rocky IV), that you would not want to miss. We can see how Stallone was trying hard here to give all the actors their fair shares of appearances, based on their roles in the movie. He surely did not want to waste any of their awesome talents. Mickey Rourke also has his share of appearance as Tool, an ex-Expendables team member who has retired and loves to tattoo.

The most historic moment was of course the first time appearance of the 3 gods of action stars, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger, in one scene. It was a 'dream' team-up. These two buddies of Stallone, who appeared as cameos here, surely have also helped lifting up the profile of this movie. Even though we have seen the scene many times in the trailer, it still did not reduce the excitement to see them acting together in one seriously-relax conversation and making jokes at each others, including joking Mr. Governor's ambition to become Mr. President. It was the hilarious and golden moment of this movie. Hopefully, next time we can see them fighting together in one action sequence, if there were ever that moment.

This fun and entertaining movie was not without weaknesses. One of them was the poor special effects (you can see it from the explosion effects and the effects of how a man burned with fire near the end of the movie). There were also too many close-shot quick combats, that made some fights could not be seen clearly in details (it was worse with me sitting quite in the front of the fully booked theater). But again, who cares! This movie served its purpose, which was to entertain people with its fully packed and biting actions. And I think Stallone has successfully pulled this one out and made this movie worked well. An action fest that should not be missed by hard-core action-movies lovers. Good job, Stallone! You always know how to entertain us... and we still remember you. (MJ)

You Have The Right To Remain Misanthropic

According to the Association of Chief Police Officers, I could very well be a Menace To Society. In a recent radio advertising campaign*, these top cops highlighted certain types of behaviour the public ought to be vigilant about... after all, you never know when there might be a potential terrorist in your midst.

"The man at the end of the street doesn't talk to his neighbours much, because he likes to keep himself to himself."

Or maybe he just thinks his neighbours are annoying?

"He pays with cash because he doesn't have a bank card..."

Or perhaps he can't remember his pin number?

"...and he keeps his curtains closed because his house is on a bus route."

What, you'd prefer he was an exhibitionist? Free live nude shows for the kids passing on the bus? Is that what you're suggesting? Oh, no, wait, my bad - we're not supposed to walk around naked in our own homes, are we?

"This may mean nothing, but together it could all add up to you having suspicions."

Or it could mean you're a nosey-parker busy-body with far too much time on your hands.


But wait, the foremost fuzz aren't done yet...

"The man two desks down from you at work looks at online aerial photos, because he's thinking of moving house."

Or perhaps he's building a missile in his cellar?

"He rents three lockups, full of his mother's things he just can't throw out."

But what about that fourth lock-up, the one his mother's decomposing corpse is locked in?

"He paid for a flight with cash, but that's because he's a spontaneous kind of guy..."

Or maybe he was in a desperate hurry to get away from his prying, judgmental (or just plain mental) colleagues?


In short: being vaguely antisocial, minding your own business, and keeping yourself to yourself is the new blowing up airports. Lock me up and throw away the key. Just don't expect me to make polite smalltalk with my cellmates...




*I keep telling you: radio advertising... that's the real menace to society.

Sleep No More

I first heard about LTC Rolt's Sleep No More a few years ago in an article on classic British ghost stories. Unfortunately the book was out of print and the only copies I could find on either Amazon or eBay were going for silly money. Earlier this year I noticed Rolt's anthology had been republished and added it to my wishlist, thinking I'd get round to it soon. It quickly went out of print again (a small run, perhaps, and unexpected demand) but luckily I managed to secure a copy before the prices started rising.

Tom Rolt was a writer between the 1940s and 70s who specialised in factual books about the history of British railways, canals and industry, as well as biographies of famous engineers such as Isambard Kingdom Brunel and Thomas Telford. But he was also a fan of the supernatural, and wrote a number of creepy short stories that combined his various interests in macabre fashion.

Here are stories of haunted mines and foundries, tragic railway tunnel disasters, lonely moors with mysterious buildings that appear from nowhere in the fog, remote islands with eerily lit castles, and cars that break down miles from nowhere on stormy nights. Atmosphere is everything in Rolt's writing, and his detailed knowledge of the subject matter lends these short tales a chilling authenticity. Like John Wyndham, Rolt is writing of a Britain that's hardly recognisable nowadays, yet despite his rather middle-class leanings he's unafraid to venture into darker territory when the story requires.

In her introduction, Susan Hill mentions Rolt's love of MR James, which shines through in these stories. But while many of James's stories were set in towns and cities, Rolt ventures away from civilization to investigate the creepier corners of the British isles. If you've ever found yourself lost and alone on misty moorland - or stared into the darkness of an old abandoned railway tunnel - these are the stories for you.

Top Ten Tea Songs

What sort of True Brit would I be, listing my Top Ten Coffee Songs, if I didn't follow with a tribute to The Great British Cuppa?


10. Nirvana - Pennyroyal Tea

"Give me a Leonard Cohen afterlife", pleads Kurt Cobain, "so I can sigh eternally".

Wonder if he got his wish?

9. The Proclaimers - Lulu Selling Tea

Like a Scottish Housemartins, The Proclaimers "voice their dissent" over the fact that the 60s people always talk about isn't the same decade they remember from the childhood. It's not the Beatles they grew up on, but...

Mother's Pride on the table, Batman on TV
A Man In A Suitcase, Daktari and Skippy
Jimmy Clitheroe, Colin Stein and Lulu selling tea

8. Supergrass - Whisky & Green Tea

Story of my life. Whiskey in my 20s, Green Tea in my 30s. Man, I needed those antioxidants!

7. Philip Jeays - The Tea Dance

Welcome to the tea dance
Old debutants getting up on their toes
Darjeeling and romance
Between potted plants and yesterday's Romeos

Philip Jeays - give that man an Ivor Novello.

6. Joni Mitchell - The Tea Leaf Prophecy

Still working my way through Simon Goddard's Mozipedia, and I hadn't realised how much of an influence Joni M. was on Mozzer's songwriting. Could this be her Ouija Board, Ouija Board...?

Out of the blue--just passin' thru
A young flight sergeant
On two weeks leave--
Says "Molly McGee--no one else will do!"
And seals the tea-leaf prophecy.

5. Frank Turner - A Decent Cup Of Tea

As mentioned already, Frank Turner is my musical discovery of the year, combining the fire and brimstone of a youthful Billy Bragg with the epic ambition of Springsteen. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to have found a young songwriter who speaks to me as much as Frank does.

It's obvious to me,
But she never seems to see
That it's not about the days when everything has turned out right,
No it's more about the moments when she calls me in the night
To make her cups of tea and wash the weary worries from her head
And then to draw the pain out slowly as I put her into bed.

4. Belle & Sebastian - For The Price Of A Cup Of Tea

For the price of a cup of tea
You'd get a line of coke
For the price of a night with me
You'd be the village joke

Cue self-deprecating gag. Stuart Murdoch sets 'em up, I knock 'em down.

3. Fortunes - Storm In A Teacup

Pitter patter. Pitter patter.

2. The Scaremongers - Tea Leaves

From my favourite record of 2009, the Number One album Born In A Barn.

Didn't know it'd made Number One? Here's the proof.

1. Cat Stevens - Tea For The Tillerman

Used as the theme to Ricky Gervais's Extras, this short (just over a minute) track is both poignant and uplifting. Not a clue what it's actually about, but it always makes me think of the foiled ambition of Andy Millman, Maggie Jacobs and Barry from Eastenders.



So... how do you take yours?

People - Don't You Just Love 'Em?

You know when you send somebody an email containing two questions and they only reply to the first? How annoying is that? Like they've lost interest after the first question. Fuckers. (It's OK, the individual in question is a friend. I'm sure he won't mind me calling him a fucker.)

My sister goes to the dentist. As she arrives, there's a couple in front of her heading from the waiting room to the surgery. "I know you're not looking forward to this," says the husband, "but try to be brave."

After a few minutes, terrible screams begin to issue from the surgery. These continue for the next hour while my sister waits for her own - now long-delayed - appointment. Just as she's about to explain to the receptionist that she can't wait any longer - she's late enough for work as it is - another man comes in for his appointment.

"The dentist is running behind today, you'll have a long wait," says the receptionist, with no hint of an apology.

"OK," says the man, "I'll just pop out and tell my wife so she doesn't wonder where I am. She's waiting in the car."

"LEAVE THIS RECEPTION," screams the receptionist, "AND YOU WILL LOSE YOUR APPOINTMENT!" ('Also your head and your bollocks', is understood.)

From the surgery, the screams continue.

Louise gets on the train. The carriage is crowded, but there's one free space next to a woman who's put her bag on the seat. Louise goes to ask the woman to move her bag so she can sit down.

"Sorry," says the woman, "I'm saving this seat for my husband. He stood back to allow the ladies to get on first."

Chivalrous enough to allow the ladies to get on first, but not enough to let them have his seat.

I have an argument in Morrisons. I go in to buy cat litter and make the mistake of trying to enter via the automated check-outs rather than the "official" entrance. The woman policing the automated check-outs makes me go back and walk all the way around, like my headmaster used to if I was running in the school corridor.

I fetch my cat litter and return to the automated check-out. On the screen it says: "To begin, touch the screen or scan your product."

I scan the product.

Nothing happens.

I scan it again.

The woman I had the earlier altercation with rushes over and with a huge sigh says, "you have to touch the screen to start!" ('Moron!' is understood.)

"But that's not what it says on the screen," I point out.

"You have to touch the screen to start," she repeats.

"But it says 'To begin, touch the screen OR scan your product.'"

"You have to touch the screen to start," she repeats, like the Computer Says zombie from Little Britain.

"That's not what it says."

"You have to touch the screen to start."

"'OR scan your product' - it says 'OR'!"

"You have to touch the screen to start."

This continues on a perpetual loop until civilization has crashed around us, ivy is growing through the floor, and the cat litter I'm holding has become fossilized charcoal.

It may still be going on. Sitting here typing this post might just be a dream.