Top Ten Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune & Pluto Songs

OK, following Earth, Mars, Venus and Mercury, I struggled to make a decent Top Ten with any of the other planets in our solar system. So here's the best of the rest, with two caveats...

i) There are no decent Uranus songs. For obvious reasons. And yes, I do include 'Rocket To Uranus' by The Vengaboys when I make that statement.

ii) I know Pluto isn't considered a planet anymore by those who know far better than me. But it's still better than Uranus.



10. Grandchildren - Saturn Returns

More interesting than the R.E.M. song of (almost) the same title. I know very little about this band other than they're from Philadelphia and don't appear to be any relation to Grandaddy.

9. Stevie Wonder - Saturn

Stevie's had enough of all the bad stuff - y'know, wars, murders, people nicking your trolley when you pop to the toilet in Tesco - so he's packing his bags and moving to Saturn, the planet where people live to be 205.

8. Tori Amos - Hey Jupiter

I'm not even going to attempt to tell you what this song is about. It's far too deep for a dumb-head like me.

7. The B-52s - Hallucinating Pluto

Because I have an extremely juvenile sense of humour, I love the fact that the only things written on the youtube page for this song are...

All rights and ownership go to The B-52's.

...and...

penises

6. Train - Drops of Jupiter (Tell Me)

Come on, you'd almost written Train off as a one-hit wonder, hadn't you? I quite liked their new MONSTER HIT, Drive-By, until Louise asked me, "What are you listening to - is that the Jonas Brothers?"

5. The Futureheads - Jupiter

When your life fills you with despair,
You have to believe that there’s good out there
No enemies anywhere
Then you are free

If you're quick, lads, you can share a rocket with Stevie Wonder. He's going in vaguely the same direction.

4. Super Furry Animals - (Drawing) Rings Around The World

A little bit of a cheat, but worth it. A Saturn song in all but name.

3. The Divine Comedy - Neptune's Daughter

When the last course has been consumed
They withdraw to the drawing room
Where the Schubert she plays with style
Keeps her friends happy for the while
But the memories are a burden,
So she draws back both the curtains
Stepping out into the night...

Neil Hannon: the Noel Coward of indie-pop.

2. Donovan - Jennifer Jupiter

What's that, you say? "Juniper"? Don't be daft...

1. The Inspiral Carpets - Saturn 5

Dig that funky Clint Boon organ!

An Eagle lands, and a planet full of people raises its hands
All hail the men who will walk up in heaven today

So, that's the rest of my musical solar system... which would you land on? (Uranus, anybody?)

Top Ten Bitch Songs

This seemed like an obvious follow-on from last week's list of Bastard Songs, however I was not without my qualms...

I used to work with a woman who absolutely loathed the word B-I-T-C-H. She was happy enough using most other swearwords (even the C-one), but could not even stand to be in the same room as someone saying "bitch". Now I'm a firm believer in not letting words have power over you... but I also don't want there to be any kind of misogynist subtext from a post like this. (Misanthropic, yes, but there's a misanthropic subtext to just about every post I write.) Besides, as this list proves, the word in question can have all kinds of different interpretations... and it does make for an excellent selection of tunes...

10. Meredith Brooks - Bitch

What further proof can you ask for than this 90s feminist empowerment anthem (oh, argue that one amongst yourselves) from Meredith Brooks...?

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

9. Inspiral Carpets - Bitches Brew

An atmospheric, almost Joy Division-esque drone from the Manc madcaps... though they are wearing Sphinx masks in the video, and you never saw Ian Curtis doing that, did you?

8. David Bowie - Queen Bitch

Ah, Bowie. You really should show up on these lists more often, you crazy androgynous godlike genius, you.

She's so swishy in her satin and tat
In her frock coat
and bipperty-bopperty hat
Oh God, I could do better than that

What a bee-yatch!

7. Kenickie - 60s Bitch

I make no apology for the fact that this also appeared in my Top Ten Six Songs. It's Kenickie, deal with it.

6. Absentee - Bitchstealer

"Bring her back, bring her back, bring her back..."

I knew very little about Absentee... but after hearing this, I wanted to know more.

5. Elton John - The Bitch Is Back

In which Elton is the titular bitch... and you just know he is, too.

4. Blast Off Country Style - Hey, Hey I Love You Bitch

I can't find much about this band online either, and sadly no link to the song in question. But it's great... so if you can track it down, you'd be doing yourself a huge favour.

3. Bowling For Soup - The Bitch Song

The b-word means something quite different in an all-male prison, as Bowling For Soup discover in this sensitive video dealing with the harsh realities of prison life.

I like Bowling For Soup. They're like a band from a Hannah Barbera cartoon. I bet they drive around in a colourful tourbus solving spooky mysteries and upsetting local shopkeepers wherever they go.

It amuses me no end that when you search for this song on youtube it comes up as "Beach Song".

I originally placed this song at #7... then I received a tweet from the band's lead singer Jaret Reddick... and he's right, they should have been at least #5.

So I changed the order round and made them #3. Yes, I am that easily swayed.

If David Bowie wants to tweet me, I'll make him at least #4.

2. Ben Folds - Bitches Ain't Shit

Quite possibly the greatest cover version ever recorded, in which Ben Folds castrates the macho posturing of Dr. Dre's original (though to be fair, the bitches Dre refers to are a former bandmate and his manager) and turns it into a heartbreaking piano ballad. Folds' version of this song became so popular that he eventually had to give up playing it live because he didn't want his kids to hear him referred to as "that bitch guy".

1. Robyn - Konichiwa Bitches

I first became aware of Robyn, and this song, through Kieron Gillen and Jamie McKelvie's excellent Phonogram.

Here Robyn brags like the cockiest of rappers yet in such hilarious, tongue-in-cheek fashion you can't help but love her. This song is actually the main reason I wanted to compile this particular Top Ten... it was either this or a Top Ten Foreign Language Greetings Songs... which was much clumsier... though I haven't ruled it out completely.

I'm so very hot that when I rob your mansion
You ain't call the cops, you call the firestation

'Cause my love is so sweet
You'll be zoom, zoom, zoom
Don't even get me started on my bada-boom-boom
One left, one right thats how I organize 'em
You know I fill my cups no need to supersize em'
Right now you probably thinking how she get in them jeans
Well I'm gifted all natural and burstin the seams

Konichiwa bitches!

Feel free to bitch in the comments about the bitches I kicked to the curb...