Evil Advertising McMonsters Hollywoodise My Hometown

I realise that by embedding the above video into my blog, I could be seen to be promoting the company in question... but they're such a ubiquitous Big Evil Corporation that I doubt one extra blogpost will affect their fortunes and if you're daft enough to read this post and go out and buy one of their "cooked meat" in "bread" products as a result... well, more fool you.

Anyway, the new McDimbulbs advert was filmed in Huddersfield. I'm not sure I'd have recognised this had someone not pointed it out to me. If you haven't seen it on your telly-box (I had to youtube it), it involves a young man (they all look young to me these days) singing the old Lerner & Loewe classic 'On The Street Where You Live' while he walks through town to get his McBreakfast. Except this guy has the worst sense of direction - he is in serious need of a SatNav. He begins his journey just outside Big Evil Corporation II, Tesco (ours is The Tesco Time Forgot - the only thing that's changed since it opened in the 80s is the prices). Conveniently though, The TTF has been edited out of the opening shot; we wouldn't want to promote a competitor, would we, McLads?

Anyway, our hero then walks under the grim Northern viaducts, heading in the correct direction (his goal is now about 30 seconds away) before he turns and starts walking back where he just came from. Next he finds himself a few blocks downtown by the Adult Cinema (also conveniently airbrushed out of existence) before walking past a launderette... in Fartown*. Which is a five minute bus ride away. Suddenly, he's on Cross Church Street, and heading in the right direction once again. Someone's even conveniently built an Abbey Road style zebra crossing to help him find his way. I'm surprised they didn't paint arrows on the shop windows too. Once again, he almost reaches his destination... when he detours along a side street packed with market stalls (which must have been blown a couple of blocks north by the strong Pennine winds). He takes time to flirt with a random woman (she's humouring him; she's already seen him walk past three times that morning)... and finally, he's there! Just in time to sink his choppers into one of those infamous "cooked meat" in "bread" combos before the men in the white van arrive to speed him back to the happy place.

It's all filmed in glorious HD technicolour supervision so golden and sunshiny it makes my home town look like Narnia. Now don't get me wrong, Huddersfield is a very nice place (I won't hear a word said against it... unless it's by me). But these aren't the streets where I live. It's Hollywood Huddersfield. I'm surprised he doesn't bump into Tom Hanks on his journey. (Maybe Tom finally heard about my sniper rifle.) Like the majority of advertising, it's one big, fat lie after another. Still... it's better than another repeat of Last of the Summer Wine. Just.

Has Television, Cinema or Evil Advertising ever distorted your hometown beyond all recognition?




(*I should point out to non-locals, this is pronounced "Far-town". Just as the nearby Penistone is pronounced "Penn-is-ton". Sorry.)

Going South (3) Shaftesbury

The only thing I knew of Shaftesbury was its famous Gold Hill: the location of "Britain's favourite TV advert", as directed by Sir Ridley Scott in 1973.



It doesn't look much different today, though you're lucky if you can take pictures like the ones here... I had to wait 20 minutes for a break in the tourists. Bloody tourists.

Worst are the ones who insist on re-enacting the Hovis ad for their own amusement. Without even bothering to bring a bike...

What I didn't know about Shaftesbury is something even more breathtakingly picturesque - Park Walk, a long, tree-lined promenade looking out across Blackmore Vale and towards Glastonbury Tor. Unusually for the area, Shaftesbury is a town built on top of a great hill, and as such it's one of the highest towns in England (not to mention one of the oldest). The view from Park Walk is stunning... photos, I'm sad to say, don't do it justice. Go there on a day of big clouds like these for the ultimate spectacle.

My Personal Apology To Bill Hicks (and you)

By the way if anyone here is in advertising or marketing... kill yourself.


No, no, no it's just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day, they'll take root - I don't know. You try, you do what you can. Kill yourself.


Seriously though, if you are, do.


Aaah, no really, there's no rationalisation for what you do and you are Satan's little helpers. Okay - kill yourself - seriously. You are the ruiner of all things good, seriously. No this is not a joke, you're going, "there's going to be a joke coming," there's no fucking joke coming. You are Satan's spawn filling the world with bile and garbage. You are fucked and you are fucking us. Kill yourself. It's the only way to save your fucking soul, kill yourself.

That's Bill Hicks there. In case you didn't know. And I do agree with him. Which is the worst kind of irony.

I've worked in advertising for over 15 years now, but that's the day job. I've always tried to draw a line between that and my private creative work. But I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, Bill... I'm weakening...

I know what all the marketing people are thinking right now, "Oh, you know what Bill's doing, he's going for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a good market, he's very smart."


Oh man, I am not doing that. You fucking evil scumbags!


"Ooh, you know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar. That's a big dollar. A lot of people are feeling that indignation. We've done research - huge market. He's doing a good thing."


Goddammit, I'm not doing that, you scum-bags! Quit putting a goddamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet!


"Ooh, the anger dollar. Huge. Huge in times of recession. Giant market, Bill's very bright to do that."

You may remember this post from a few weeks back wherein I got all self-righteous about not selling out, refusing to run advertising on this blog or suck the corporate teet.

Yeah, well, that was before the car ended up costing me £420 for a new flux capacitor. And there's a holiday coming up. And I haven't bought any new clothes since winkle pickers were in. Principles are one thing... holes in your shoes are another thing entirely. And it's not as though my creative side is reaping fortunes... so until it does...

Consider this post an apology. An apology to Bill Hicks, and an apology to you. Because you may notice a few subtle advertisingy things cropping up here from time to time over the next few weeks. Because I really need the money. Feel free to ignore them and just go on about your business. And try not to hate me too much...

This Blog Is Not For Sale

A couple of interesting emails have plopped into my inbox lately. I guess this blog has been going long enough, gets enough daily hits, and ranks high enough in Google Analytics (or whatever) that it has a certain perceived value. I never understand how you value a website - how Facebook or Twitter can be sold for billions for example. I know it's got something to do with the evil industry, but as my own relationship with the evil industry is such a painful one, I prefer not to delve too deeply. Anyway, while Sunset Over Slawit isn't quite at the stage where Aaron Sorkin is penning a screenplay based around my life, it's obviously been noticed by somebody. To wit, email #1...

We have a client who would like to pay you for the opportunity to post some of their content on your website. All of the content is professionally produced and you can select from pieces relevant to your audience.


The result is you get some free, interesting content for your readers while getting paid.


In return our client is asking for one link that they specify at the bottom of the content (no porn or gambling). Feel free to contact me with any concerns or clarifications you may have.

My first reaction to this was... really? What client? How much?

My second reaction was... hang on, WHY? Why would someone want to use this silly little blog to hawk their filthy wares? OK, so I'm now getting about 200 hits a day (though I have no way of knowing how many of those are spambots), but many of those hits must be the same people coming back again and again. Hell, half of them are probably just Steve. Surely there are more cost-effective ways of blowing your marketing budget than throwing it at me to squeeze the occasional ad for Pepsi or Apple in between My Top Ten Furniture Polish Songs and Why I Hate Audi Drivers post #463?

(Neither Pepsi nor Apple - nor Audi - gave me any money to mention them in the paragraph above. I actually prefer Coke, Microsoft and any other form of vehicular transportation ever invented to the brands in question... which I why I chose them. To avoid favouritism.)

My third thought was... surely those people who visit this blog every day do so exactly because they want to read content written by me? Which, given that my goal in life is to be a writer - and have my writing read by others - fills me with joy and pride and a buzzing in my nether-regions equivalent to Kate Winslet brushing past me in a negligee with a mint condition copy of Amazing Fantasy #15 tucked in her armpit. (In short, thank you all.) BUT if the reason you come here is to read me... why would you want to read some "free, interesting content" written by somebody else with the sole purpose of getting you to click a link and buy something?

So, thanks, but no thanks. If you want to pay me to write something, even something that promotes your wares... I'll give it a shot. I've gratefully received some nice free books, graphic novels and music as a result of writing this blog - and written about them whenever I had something worthwhile to say. But just copying and pasting someone else's words and using the goodwill of Sunset Over Slawit to peddle some old bollocks I have no interest in whatsoever... thanks, but I get enough of that in the day job.

But wait... we're not done yet! Because then comes email #2...

I represent a firm that purchases entire blogs, that is, the URL as well as the content of the blog. We use these blogs to improve the search engine rankings of our clients.


Our firm requires that the blog has correct English and grammar. It must have original content (not duplicate content from other blogs or websites) as well as having no pornography or other distasteful content. In addition, the blog must be able to be found on Google.


If you are interested in selling your blog(s), please reply with your URL(s) as well as your asking price(s). An actual offer for your blog would happen after a detailed analysis of it that showed that it met all of our criteria.

The email then goes on to suggest that, given the right t&c's, and based upon my current Google Ranking, I could make around $500 from this deal. Which isn't to be sniffed at, I suppose - especially when you're as skint as I am.

Except...

Well, my first thought was "bollocks".

My second thought was... WHY? Why would you, as a legitimate business, wish to purchase a blog with an unsexy URL of http://moviebookreview-s.blogspot.com/ (hardly Audiscumbags.com, is it?), the content of which varies most weeks between misanthropic short stories, reviews of crap Nicolas Cage movies, and My Top Ten Songs About Global Thermonuclear Destruction? I just do not get it.

But, as we already established earlier this year when I considered moving this blog wholesale to posterous, I'd lose a good chunk of my readers if I wasn't where I've always been, and you all mean far too much to me to piss you off like that for a measly 500 bucks. That's not to say I wouldn't be open to a better offer...

If you enjoyed the free, interesting content above, please consider clicking on this link and spending a stupid amount of money on the aspirational, life-affirming products available there. If you didn't enjoy the free, interesting content above... go take a long walk off a short pier. Who needs you?

Monsters

Suggested alternate straplines for the movie Monsters...

Monsters - the monster movie for people who like indie relationship dramas.

Monsters - the monster movie for people who don't mind not really seeing any monsters till the last 15 minutes.

Monsters - the monster movie where all the fx were done on the director's pc but you'll be hard pressed to tell the difference from a multi-million dollar Hollywood blockbuster.

Monsters - the monster movie for people who like actors with silly names that might have come from The Day Today, such as Scoot McNairy and Whitney Able.

Monsters - because you can never get enough alien octopus sex.

Monsters - I liked it, I bet Kelvin hates it.

Monsters - it's scary... but not as scary as the Norwegian TV promo videos below.





Actors will do anything for money.