I Quite Fancy Surviving A Zombie Apocalypse, Actually...

The Walking Dead is back on TV, though the latest season might be better called 'The Treading Water'. Still, it got me thinking about why I like post-apocalyptic fiction so much. And the truth is, no matter how grim they try and make it appear, I still quite fancy being a survivor of some kind of global catastrophe.

Now, obviously, it all depends on the kind of apocalypse. Nuclear Armageddon is out, because even if you did survive... chances are you'd be living on borrowed time while hideous cancers grew inside you like sea monkeys. Plus you'd constantly be worrying about drinking irradiated water or eating a mutated turnip. Or you might end up in The Road, the most depressing of all post-apocalyptic futures, fending off cannibals and wishing you were dead because everything is so relentlessly grey.

Societal breakdown is a no-no too. Frankly, society's broken down enough for me as it is. Living in Mad Max world with marauding biker gangs raping and pillaging everything in sight would be too much like this summer's yoof riots. I parked in Manchester a couple of weekends ago and returned to find some mindless savage had snapped the windscreen wiper off my car for no reason at all. If the yobs ever do take over, I'm going to live on a mountain.

And you can forget your killer viruses too because even if I was immune, I'm such a hypochondriac I wouldn't be able to leave the house for fear of a wayward sneeze. I currently have a terrible case of Man Flu I'm certain I caught when I went to see Contagion. It was inevitable really.

The best kind of apocalypse would be one like in the movie Night Of The Comet where pretty much the entire human race just conveniently disappears (and there's no stinking corpses to clean up) and you could spend all your time dancing to Cyndi Lauper songs at the mall. But as the chances of that happening appear slim, I'll settle instead for a nice zombie apocalypse. As long as it's one where the zombies can only shuffle about slowly and are rubbish at running. Not the speed-freak 28 Days Later zombies. Those guys are no fun at all.

Top Ten Reasons I Wouldn't Mind Surviving A Zombie Apocalypse...

1. Even though society's fallen apart, there's still loads to eat. Zombies aren't interested in human food (only brains) so you'd never go hungry again. Well, until all the cans in the supermarket were past their sell-by dates. You'd have to start growing stuff then.

2. You get to shoot people you don't like (i.e. zombies) in the head.

3. Once you find yourself a nice generator you can sit back, watch some DVDs, play some computer games... read books to your heart's content. Just don't break your reading glasses like Burgess Meredith did in that famous Twilight Zone episode.

4. You get to shoot people in the head. Don't look at me like that, you know you want to.

5. You don't have to go to work any more.

6. You get to shoot your boss in the head. Because, let's face it, he or she is already part zombie. It's for their own good.

7. No more wasting your time on the internet. The internet has closed down. Maybe you can go out for a nice walk instead. You know, like we used to, before the 90s.

8. Did I mention shooting people in the head?

9. You can go wherever you want. Into all those behind-the-scenes parts of buildings you never see unless you work there. Or into other people's houses. Have a nice snoop about. Rummage to your heart's content. As long as you don't bump into any remaining zombie residents, you'll be fine. Go on, admit it, you fancy having a good nose.

10. Shooting. People. In. The. Head.

Now, give me one good reason we shouldn't have a zombie apocalypse tomorrow...?

Youth In Revolt... Or Revolting Youth?

This is not a "revolt".

It isn't a "protest".

It isn't even "mindless thuggery".

I don't often write about current affairs, but I'm not sure how I can ignore the fact that, here in the UK, our towns and cities are being burnt to the ground, looted and pillaged by The Young People.

One of the reasons I usually choose not to comment on such things is that I'm an (un?)apologetic middle-class Guardian-reading leftie pinko liberal who always wants to look for the root causes and underlying problems that ultimately shape our society.

Another reason is that, as a writer, I always try to see things from other people's points of view. I'm interested in what makes people tick and what drives them to behave the way they do. I can't help but play devil's advocate in my own mind in even the most despicable of circumstances.

To complicate matters (because like most human beings, I'm a ball of confusion), I'm also - as anyone who's read this blog for any amount of time will know - thoroughly misanthropic. I have an angry reactionary inside me who dreams of leaving the human race to destroy itself and going off to live on an island with puffins. (Because puffins are COOL.)

With all this going on inside my head at any one time, how can I write about the sort of scenes we've witnessed in this country over the last few nights with any kind of objectivity? Simple answer: I can't. But thankfully I don't have to.

Because these are not "riots".

The people involved are not protesting the police shooting a young man in Tottenham last week.

Neither are they rebelling over the fact that the council closed down their youth club. (And if I see one more interviewed yoof say "no one respects us", I'll smash something myself. Respect yourself first, morons!)

They're certainly not "mindless thugs" either. They know exactly what they're doing. They just don't care.

They're bullies. They're thieves. They're vandals. They're arrogant and selfish and opportunistic... and all the traits I deplore most about humanity at its lowest.

So excuse me if I don't believe this is time for rooting out the underlying social problems. Excuse me if I'd just rather send in Jack Bauer to deal with the lot of them. Call me when that's been done. In the meantime, you'll find me hanging out with the puffins...

You Have The Right To Remain Misanthropic

According to the Association of Chief Police Officers, I could very well be a Menace To Society. In a recent radio advertising campaign*, these top cops highlighted certain types of behaviour the public ought to be vigilant about... after all, you never know when there might be a potential terrorist in your midst.

"The man at the end of the street doesn't talk to his neighbours much, because he likes to keep himself to himself."

Or maybe he just thinks his neighbours are annoying?

"He pays with cash because he doesn't have a bank card..."

Or perhaps he can't remember his pin number?

"...and he keeps his curtains closed because his house is on a bus route."

What, you'd prefer he was an exhibitionist? Free live nude shows for the kids passing on the bus? Is that what you're suggesting? Oh, no, wait, my bad - we're not supposed to walk around naked in our own homes, are we?

"This may mean nothing, but together it could all add up to you having suspicions."

Or it could mean you're a nosey-parker busy-body with far too much time on your hands.


But wait, the foremost fuzz aren't done yet...

"The man two desks down from you at work looks at online aerial photos, because he's thinking of moving house."

Or perhaps he's building a missile in his cellar?

"He rents three lockups, full of his mother's things he just can't throw out."

But what about that fourth lock-up, the one his mother's decomposing corpse is locked in?

"He paid for a flight with cash, but that's because he's a spontaneous kind of guy..."

Or maybe he was in a desperate hurry to get away from his prying, judgmental (or just plain mental) colleagues?


In short: being vaguely antisocial, minding your own business, and keeping yourself to yourself is the new blowing up airports. Lock me up and throw away the key. Just don't expect me to make polite smalltalk with my cellmates...




*I keep telling you: radio advertising... that's the real menace to society.