Top Ten Boring Songs

"We're so sick of your Top Tens, Rol - they're so BORING!

Boring...!? I'll show you boring!

10. Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin - Boring Fountain ( From Pershing)

The name of this band is Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin. There song may be boring - but with a name like that, who cares?

9. Cracker - My Life Is Totally Boring Without You ( From Cracker - Gentleman's Blues [Us Import])

Aw, you're just saying that.

8. Modest Mouse - Space Travel Is Boring ( From This Is a Long Drive)

Then you must be doing it wrong.

7. Los Campesinos - Romance Is Boring ( From Romance Is Boring)

Then you must be doing it wrong.

6. Ballboy - Sex Is Boring ( From A Guide for Daylight Hours)

Then you must be doing it wrong... or far more than the rest of us.

Take me back to your room
Tie me up and strip me naked
And lie me on your floor
And then you’ll see that sex is boring with me
It’s not what I came here for

5. Paul Westerberg - Boring Enormous ( From Stereo/Mono)

If your life is enormously boring, maybe you need a Replacement.

4. The Pierces - Boring ( From Thirteen Tales of Love and Revenge)

Sexy boy
Girl on girl
Menage a trois
Boring.
Marijuana
Cocaine
Heroin
Boring.

Wow. Some people are hard to please.

3. The Beautiful South - I Love You (But You're Boring) ( From Welcome To The Beautiful South)

Sadly, this rare BS track isn't available on youtube... though you might check out its sister song: I Hate You (But You're Interesting).

2. Pink - Boring ( From Funhouse)

There are many words we might use to describe Pink... boring is not one of them.

1. Pet Shop Boys - Being Boring ( From Ultimate)

Ah, Chris and Neil - you could never be boring to me.

I came across a cache of old photos
And invitations to teenage parties
"Dress in white" one said, with quotations
From someone's wife, a famous writer
In the nineteen-twenties
When you're young you find inspiration
In anyone who's ever gone
And opened up a closing door
She said: "We were never feeling bored"




So... what's your favourite boring song? (No 'bored' songs allowed - I'm saving those for a separate list.)

Department of the Peculiar

To celebrate the 1st Anniversary of thoughtballoons, all the contributing writers are allowed to write a 1-page script featuring a character or characters of their own invention this week.

I chose to showcase a page from the new book I'm working on with Rob Wells (to be honest, Rob is doing most of the work), Department of the Peculiar.

Pop over to thoughtballoons to read the 1-page preview now.

Room

Don't let anyone tell you different - Room is a horror story. Other reviewers may talk about the life-affirming drama of hope triumphing over despair, or of the way the author takes us by the hand and shows us our world from a perspective we've never before seen it, but despite its happy ending and warmer second half, the sensation that stuck with me was of the overwhelming horror and sadness of the opening scenario.

Room tells of Jack, a young boy who was born and has lived the first five years of his life locked in a (slightly more hi-tech than most) garden shed. Jack's mother was kidnapped long before he was born and has been held prisoner for years by a sadistic control-freak rapist. The young woman does everything she can to protect her son from the truth of his situation; the boy accepts his lot because Room is the only life he's ever known. It's the battery chicken argument applied to a human child, and the infinite sadness of Jack's story comes from what he doesn't know, and from how happy he manages to be despite the hand fate's dealt him.

That's the first half, and many authors would have kept the whole novel here. Emma Donoghue instead chooses to move the story on, turning Jack's world on its head and allowing his unique perspective to experience something of the world beyond Room. This is mostly a success, though there are times in the final chapter when the novel veers a little too much into cutesy "kids say the funniest things" territory before a final creepy coda brings everything full circle for a satisfyingly shiversome resolution.

Room is not a lengthy novel, but it is powerful. The first half in particular will stay with me for a long time as one of the saddest pieces of writing I've ever read. It's disturbing without being graphic, and Donoghue harnesses the power of the reader's imagination to devastating effect. She's not afraid to ask some uncomfortable questions along the way and refuses to paint her protagonists all white, despite the horrors they endure. Room will make you think, it'll make you shudder, it'll make you smile.

THE LOST BLADESMAN (GUAN YUN CHANG) (2011)

MyRating: YYYY1/2
Written and Directed by: Alan Mak & Felix Chong
Cast: Donnie Yen, Jiang Wen, Sun Li, Andy On, Chin Siu-ho, Alex Fong, Wang Po-chieh, Wang Xuebing

Romance of the Three Kingdoms (San Guo Yan Yi), the popular Chinese historical epic novel written by Luo Guanzhong in the 14th century, is considered one of the Four Great Classical Novels of Chinese literature, besides Water Margin (Shui Hu Zhuan), Journey to the West (Xi You Ji) and Dream of the Red Chamber (Hong Lou Meng). As a hugely influential and widely read novel, based on the historical events (part fiction and myth) in the turbulent years at the end of the Han Dynasty and the Three Kingdoms era, where tyrants and warlords battling each others for power and lands (169-280 AD), the book consists of 120 chapters with hundreds and hundreds of characters. The story of the Three Kingdoms has been told many times through long TV series as well as in movies. The recent ones are the critically acclaimed John Woo's Red Cliff (2008) with Tony Leung as Zhou Yu & Takeshi Kaneshiro as Zhuge Liang, and the not so good Three Kingdoms: Resurrection of the Dragon (2008) with Andy Lau as Zhou Yun, which both movies focused on different main characters and events.

The Lost Bladesman focused on one of the most popular characters in the Three Kingdoms story, Guan Yu or Guan Yunchang (one of the most iconic characters besides Cao Cao, Liu Bei & Zhuge Liang). The film was adapted from the story of Guan Yu 'crossing five passes and slaying six generals'. The casting of Donnie Yen as Guan Yu was an interesting choice, even though may have raised many eyebrows, since he is not physically perfect as the great General Guan Yu. Guan Yu is always depicted as a big tall guy with long beard, while Yen is rather small in posture. However, since his recent superstardom and success through the Ip Man series, Donnie Yen has now become a household name and is on top of his game, and he is becoming the 'perfect' choice from every producer for the commercial success guarantee of their movies.

Since Ip Man (2008) & Ip Man 2 (2010), I am exciting to wait for every new movie of Donnie Yen. Not only he is always amazing at martial arts in his movies (he knows the real wushu), but also he is actually a pretty good actor too who can act very well (even the sharp side look of his eyes could kill). A bit disappointed with his last movie Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen Zhen (2010), but to see him next as Guan Yu seemed to be very enticing. I have to admit, I began to have some doubts about this movie after seeing the relatively low rating this movie has received in some movie sites. However, after finally watching the movie myself, I have to say that my feeling and pre-judgement were totally wrong. This is a great epic martial arts film about the legendary Guan Yu and one small part of the events in the Three Kingdoms story, disregard the disputes that it might create among the audiences due to the different interpretation of Guan Yu's figure this movie has depicted. Anyway, a good movie is a good movie, and I will tell you why I like this movie.

The Lost Bladesman offered a pretty good and solid story. Being separated from his sworn brothers Liu Bei (Alex Fong) and Zhang Fei, Guan Yu (Yen) temporarily had to serve under Cao Cao (Jiang Wen) and Emperor Xian (Wang Po-chieh) of Han Dynasty. With the big name and reputation that Guan Yu had in the battlefields, Cao Cao had always wanted to have him on his side. But despite many precious gifts that Cao Cao had offered to Guan Yu, including recommended an honorary rank promotion from the Emperor after Guan Yu won a battle for Cao Cao against Yuan Shao, Cao Cao still could not buy Guan Yu's loyalty towards Liu Bei.

When Guan Yu decided that it was time to leave Cao Cao and bring Qilan (Betty Sun Li), Liu Bei's beautiful concubine who was captived in Cao Cao territory, back to Liu Bei, Cao Cao knew that he had to let him go. But Cao Cao's followers were uneasy and believed that they were actually realising a 'tiger' back to his master, who would become a dangerous threat to Cao Cao in the future. So on their journey back, Guan Yu and Qilan had to face some generals and their bands of soldiers, who were ordered to kill Guan Yu, in the passes that they were going through. And Guan Yu fought many magnificent fights against the generals. Not only he had to stay alive, but also he had to protect Qilan, his brother's woman, whom at the same time he secretly falled in love with, but he tried hard to resist. The great Guan Yu will never afraid of his enemies, but will the love of a woman become the weakness of him?

The script written (and also directed) by Alan Mak (Infernal Affairs)& Felix Chong, even though not the best ever written about the Three Kingdoms events, was engaging and never lost its grips from the beginning till the end. I think the story was actually simple and it did not try to complicate itself, by focusing on Guan Yu and his task to bring Qilan back to Liu Bei, while at the other hand showing the 'situational' friendship bound between Guan Yu and Cao Cao, which is very interesting to watch. The forbidden love attraction between Guan Yu and Qilan did spice up the plot, as the audiences may feel sympathy and 'secretly' wish that Guan Yu, after all the sacrifices and the never ending battles that he has to fight along their journey, will finally win not only her heart, but also win Qilan in person as a whole, with the hope of blessing from Liu Bei to reward for his loyalty. Or not? If you are seeing Guan Yu as a man of honor and dignity, who will never betray his brother for whatsoever reasons. This issue will provoke the acceptance sensess from the audiences, since never before we see Guan Yu so 'human', as he is always being pictured as a tough man and a god-like hero.

The martial arts sequences were dazzling and top notch, giving credits to Donnie Yen as the Action Director himself. Except the big battle scene in the beginning of the movie, you may not see many fights of Guan Yu in the big open battlefields, instead you will see Guan Yu fighting some generals and their small groups of soldiers along his journey back to Liu Bei, some were 'one-on-one' fight scenes. The most marvelous one was the 1-on-1 fight scene in the narrow town alley between Guan Yu and Kong Xiu (Andy On), the general defending Dongling pass. It was an amazing acrobatic showcase of Guan Yu's famous Green Dragon crescent-moon blade weapon against Kong Xiu's long spear. An excellent heart-pumping martial arts choreography by Yen. The fight scene when Guan Yu and Qilan were being ambushed in Luoyang by Han Fu and his sworn brother Meng Tan and their bunch of soldiers in a house at night was also a dramatic one, where Guan Yu was poisoned while he has to give a great fight and kept himself from being fainted. Another memorable scene was the uneven 1-on-1 fight between Guan Yu and Wang Zhi (Wang Xuebing), a good official in charge of Xingyang, in an empty town near the end of the movie. If you like martial arts movie, there are plenty of terrific action scenes that will keep you amazed on your seat.

The other thing that I liked about this movie was the very good and smart written dialogues, with many Chinese aphorisms and wise sayings. The old Chinese wise sayings are arguably the best wise sayings in the world literature with very deep meaning behind every sayings, sometimes in a very poetic way. Watching a Chinese movie with rich Chinese wise-sayings does give intellectual challenges and satisfactions, as if you are a Chinese scholar yourself. And I consider the dialogues in this movie as one of those that will enrich and satisfy us intellectually.

And finally, the casting. It was, without a doubt, a great cast. Not only Donnie Yen, but also Jiang Wen (Let the Bullets Fly), one of the most versatile Chinese actor nowadays (also a director/writer/producer). As Cao Cao, who in history was known for his cunningness, Jiang Wen gave a solid performance that also colored the character of Cao Cao to become more 'human', but at the same time, a more complex character. In this movie, Cao Cao was not shown one-side as a totally bad guy, but he has heart, and definitely the brain. His dialogues with Guan Yu were always interesting ones, with his wide-range mimics. Jiang Wen is indeed a very good actor. While as Guan Yu, again even though not matched physically, Donnie Yen also gave a pretty good performance. A different Guan Yu, but I didn't mind at all. Pick another actor that fit the physical characteristics of Guan Yu, and you may not get the same excitements as you get with Donnie Yen in it. In a story dominated by males, Sun Li was thrown in to sweeten the screen with her beauty as Qilan, and complicate the story. 

Standout casts, enjoyable storyline and spectacular martial arts. What more could you expect? And I know that I loved this movie more than I expected. Very entertaining and a must see. While I was writing this, I found out that The Lost Bladesman has made a very successful debut at the box office in China, which earned around 110 million yuan (US$ 17 million) in the first week in China itself, since its opening date on April 26, 2011. Seems to be a pretty solid hit.

Nowadays, Guan Yu is still popularly worshipped and paid respect by the Chinese people. Being referred as Guan Gong or 'Lord Guan' or 'Saintly Emperor Guan', Guan Yu is often considered as the God of War due to his status as the 'great general' and the many military successes in the history. Guan is also worshipped as an alternative 'god of wealth', as he is perceived to bless people (as well as their homes and businesses) and protect people from the wicked. (MJ)

Bad Day At Work?

Sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes, well, he eats you.

The Apple

Just before the recent TV adaptation aired, I reviewed Michel Faber's excellent novel The Crimson Petal And The White and predicted...

"For all its excellent cast (including the always watchable Chris O'Dowd, Richard E. Grant and - yay! - Scully), sparkling script, grubby period detail, kinky costume drama romping and acres of naked flesh and naughtiness... it's not a patch on the novel."

Well, I couldn't have been more right. As enjoyable as the TV version may have been, I still walked away unsatisfied. The pictures are always better inside your head.

Thankfully, that's when I discovered The Apple, a short collection of stories which return us to the world of The Crimson Petal, offering tantalising glimpses into the past and future of our favourite character's. So we learn how Sugar spent Christmas Day while she was still living in Mrs. Castaway's whorehouse, discover how a common housefly destroys Bodley's libido, and find out how young Sophie grows up to become a champion of women's rights. And while William Rackham grows old and bitter, Clara, his former maid takes to the street to survive and ends up involved in a darkly comic dalliance with The Rat Man, who insists she let one fingernail grow without being cut or chewed...

Imagination, revelation, wit, warmth and sparkling prose. If you enjoyed the novel, or even the TV adap, I'd recommend you track down a copy of The Apple.

Blogger Ate My Hamster

So I had all sorts of exciting blog posts planned for you this week, then The Great Blogger Crash of Friday the 13th happened and blogger ate the posts I'd been lovingly constructing on Thursday... including my Top Ten Mother-Funster* songs and my review of Essential Super-Villain Team-Up over at Comics On The Ration. It also ate the comments left by Vicus and RB on the Rabbit, Run post. Sorry, guys!

I don't know about you, but I don't back up my blog posts and I have neither the time, the energy nor the inclination to start re-writing them from scratch. So just imagine they were the best blog posts you ever read, everybody commented, and you still feel a warm glow deep down in your special places every time you remember reading them.

Did you lose something precious in the crash too?

Bad blogger.




(I'm not kidding - I'd actually compiled a list of my favourite MF songs including Prince's Sexy MF, Frank Turner's Heartless Bastard Mother-Funster and Martha Wainwright's Bloody Mother-Fumbling Asshole. Sadly, that list may well be lost forever now.)

Rabbit, Run

I had no idea when reading John Updike's Rabbit Run that it was the first in a series of novels chronicling the life of Harry 'Rabbit' Angstrom. I do hope his life gets a little more cheerful in subsequent books.

The novel commences when Rabbit, feeling trapped in his failing marriage to an alcoholic wife, gets in his car and drives... and carries on driving, all through the night, trying to get as far away from it all as he possibly can. I reckon we've all felt like doing that at one point or other in our life, making this opening section the most effective part of the book - indeed, I'd have much preferred it if Rabbit just kept on driving... but that's not the story Updike wanted to tell.

Instead, Rabbit bottles it and returns to his home city - if not his actual home, taking up with Ruth, a young woman who takes money for sex in the same way Holly Golightly may have done. They say every generation believes they're the ones who invented sex, so Updike's graphic description of Rabbit and Ruth's relationship may prove quite eye-opening... and must surely have been considered shocking in its day.

Eventually a young minister called Jack Eccles attempts to get Rabbit and his now-pregnant wife back together, but tragedy... on an epic Greek scale... is destined to follow.

Updike's writing reminds me of Arthur Miller, and not just because it's set in a similar era. Harry Angstrom is a tragically flawed character, and when you hear him explain just why he ran, it's hard not to think of Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman...

"I once did something right. I played first-rate baseball. I really did. And after you're first-rate at something, no matter what, it kind of takes the kick out of being second-rate. And that little thing Janice and I had going, it was really second-rate."

The latter half of Harry's story proved a little heavy going, but I did enjoy the opening section which grants us a fascinating window-on-the-world road trip through 50s America, and goes to show those critics who complain "topical references only date a novel" just how evocative such detail can be. My favourite passage from the novel could easily have been written by Bret Easton Ellis's grandad...


It takes him a half hour to pick his way through Lancaster. On 222 he drives through Refton, Hessdale, New Providence and Quarryville, through Mechanics Grove and Unicorn and then a long stretch so dull and unmarked he doesn't know he's entered Maryland until he hits Oakwood. On the radio he hears "No Other Arms, No Other Lips," "Stagger Lee," a commercial for Rayco Clear Plastic Seat Covers, "If I Didn't Care" by Connie Francis, a commercial for Radio-Controlled Garage Door Operators, "I Ran All The Way Home Just To Say I'm Sorry," "That Old Feeling" by Mel Torme, a commercial for a Big Screen Westinghouse TV Set with One-Finger Automatic Tuning, "needle-sharp pictures a nose away from the screen," "The Italian Cowboy Song," "Yep" by Duane Eddy, a commercial for Papermate Pens, "Almost Grown," a commercial for Tame Cream Rinse, "Let's Stroll," news (President Eisenhower and Prime Minister Harold Macmillan begin a series of talks in Gettysburgh, Tibetans battle Chinese Communists in Lhasa, the whereabouts of the Dalai Lama, spiritual ruler of this remote and backward land, are unknown, a $250,000 trust fund has been left to a Park Avenue maid, Spring scheduled to arrive tomorrow), sports news (Yanks over Braves in Miami, somebody tied with somebody in St. Petersburg Open, scores in a local basketball tournament), weather (fair and seasonably warm), "The Happy Organ," "Turn Me Loose," a commercial for Schuylkill Life Insurance, "Rocksville, P-A," (Rabbit loves it), "A Picture No Artist Could Paint," a commercial for New Formula Barbasol Presto-Lather, whose daily cleansing action tends to prevent skin blemishes and emulsifies something, "Pink Shoe Laces" by Dody Stevens, a word about a little boy called Billy Tessman who was hit by a car and would appreciate cards or letters, "Petit Fleur," "Fungo," (great), a commercial for Wool-Tex All-Wool Suits, "Fall Out" by Henry Mancini, "Everybody Likes To Do The Cha Cha Cha," a commercial for Lord's Grace Table Napkins and the gorgeous Last Supper Tablecloth, "The Beat Of My Heart," a commercial for Speed-Shine Wax and Lanolin Clay, "Venus," and then the same news again. Where is the Dalai Lama?

Lo! A Beast Is Born!

Geek-post alert!

I don't see why I need to apologise for that, since the five of you regularly reading this blog have surely by now proved either your geek credentials - or at the very least your geek tolerance.

Anyway, I discovered this rather cool website, Mike's Amazing World of Marvel Comics where you can check out the Marvel comics that were out on the day you born. (It's kind of like checking out what was Number One in the charts on the day you were born*... for people with even fewer friends.) Even better, to cope with the peculiarities of periodical publication, you can search both by comics that were cover-dated the month of your birth and comics that were actually on the stands.

Here's mine, by Cover Date... and On Sale.

There were some great comics available around this time - including Avengers #100, Hulk #152 (Trial of the Hulk), Marvel Team-Up #1 - plus the first appearance of Luke Cage in Hero For Hire #1. Which means, in a way, Luke Cage and me are exactly the same age. But TSHFKA Power Man wasn't the only character making a debut (of sorts) in March 1972...

Here's my pick of the most appropriate cover from the month of my birth.

In other comics news, it's Omega Red week over at Thoughtballoons. Not a character I'm hugely familiar - a Russian Wolverine baddie with "carbonadium tentacles" who can drain the life force from his foes - but I had more fun with my one-pager than I expected.

I'm still reviewing over at Rob's Comics On The Ration blog too - click here to read what I thought of Black Widow: Deadly Origin.

Speaking of Rob, do take a moment to pop over to the Crisp Biscuit Blog and check out his Amazing Alternate Voting System Fantasy for the truth behind last week's ultimately pointless UK elections... and his Amazing Royal Wedding Fantasy for the truth behind... well, y'know, the Royal Wedding.

*That would be Harry Nilsson, singing Badfinger's mournful masterpiece Without You. Which seems equally apt.

Limitless

So why haven't you written your review of Limitless yet?

Not sure I can be bothered.

Was it rubbish?

No. Not really. Then, I'd have had more to say about it.

Well, was it ace-stuff then?

Not ace-stuff either.

So... average?

Probably the averagest film I've seen this year. There wasn't anything wrong with it per se...

Please don't call me Percy.

...there just weren't any surprises. Limitless did EXACTLY what I expected it to from start to finish. Bradley Cooper is a loser writer (yay - my kind of hero!) who gets a free sample of a new wonder drug that allows him to access 100% of his brain power. He's turned into a smart-arse genius, finishes his novel in a week, wins back his ex-girlfriend, becomes a wunderkind on the stock exchange (even in today's market!), gets money, fame, fast cars, cheap sex... and then it all starts to go predictably wrong. The drug has nasty side effects. A loan shark wants more than just his money back. People are out to kill Bradley for being a smart-arse pretty-boy. Robert De Niro shows his warty face... and you know things are bad when that happens. And then, just when you're thinking this is some kind of "there's no short cuts to the top / be careful what you wish for" morality tale, Bradders manages to pull off a deus ex machina escape plan that brings him up smelling of roses.

So, typical cheesy Hollywood happy ending then?

Pretty much. Though it left a somewhat nasty taste in my mouth. Cooper is a charismatic chap (and he certainly puts in more effort than old phone-it-in De Niro) but I couldn't help but feel he got away with murder here. As did the writers. Still, at least they didn't name their movie after a 2 Unlimited song...

Chuck Klosterman's 23 Question Meme

I'm currently reading another hilarious and thought-provoking collection of Chuck Klosterman articles called Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs: A Low Culture Manifesto. Full review to follow, but one of the chapters struck me that it'd make an excellent meme.

Wait - don't surf away just yet! Give me a second!

If, like me, you're getting tired of all those "What's your favourite colour?" and "When did you last brush your teeth?", here's a meme where the questions are far more interesting than the answers. In fact, I'm tempted not to even answer them at all. But you know me... I can't resist a challenge.

Chuck Klosterman's "23 Questions I Ask Everybody I Meet In Order To Decide If I Can Really Love Them" Meme

1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks--he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.

Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

Well, as it would seem that certain of his tricks defy Einstein's laws of physics, then yes. However, if he can't learn any more, I doubt very much if he could explain how they work. So he certainly wouldn't be more intelligent than Einstein, and I'm sure Einstein, as a scientist, would be the first to admit that any scientific laws can only stand until they are clearly disproven. I'd be more impressed by whoever could explain the tricks in a way that would satisfy Albert.

2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume that--for some reason--every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.

Would you attempt to do this?

No. There are certain people I might consider kicking to death... at least for longer than I considered kicking the horse... but in the end, I'm not capable of that kind of violence, no matter the ends, and certainly not towards a defenceless animal.

3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home. If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.

Which option do you select?

The skull, obviously. I don't see anything morally wrong in displaying it, even if I'm (presumably) not allowed to tell people why I'm doing so. Besides, it's not as though we have a lot of visitors.

4. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and--most notably--a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by (American) football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.

You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

Knowing even less about American football than I do about normal football, I really can't see a problem with this. As long as the gorilla was happy.

5. You meet your soul mate. However, there is a catch: Every three years, someone will break both of your soul mate's collarbones with a Crescent wrench, and there is only one way you can stop this from happening: You must swallow a pill that will make every song you hear--for the rest of your life--sound as if it's being performed by the band Alice in Chains. When you hear Creedence Clearwater Revival on the radio, it will sound (to your ears) like it's being played by Alice in Chains. If you see Radiohead live, every one of their tunes will sound like it's being covered by Alice in Chains. When you hear a commercial jingle on TV, it will sound like Alice in Chains; if you sing to yourself in the shower, your voice will sound like deceased Alice vocalist Layne Staley performing a capella (but it will only sound this way to you).

Would you swallow the pill?

No. Not that I have anything particular against Alice In Chains. I just enjoy music as a whole too much to sacrifice it forever. I would however devote my time to finding a loophole, or else tell my soulmate to bog off and find someone who would take that pill, because I obviously don't deserve her.

6. At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.

Would you still do this?

No. I waste enough time in dreams, why waste waking time on them too?

7. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster. In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity. These events happen on the same afternoon. That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.

You are the front page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?

I'd combine the Sasquatch and the Loch Ness Monster as one story, obviously. Though I suspect I'd lose my job for ignoring the president.

8. You meet the perfect person. Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate. However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson's gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal. Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy."

Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?

I could counter every one of her references with Spider-Man trivia, so you'd have to ask her the same question.

9. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man).

Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likelihood of you reading this book?

Considering my gay friends tell me I'd have had much more success "pulling" if I'd batted for their side, sure, why the hell not?

10. This is the opening line of Jay McInerney's Bright Lights, Big City: "You are not the kind of guy who would be in a place like this at this time of the morning." Think about that line in the context of the novel (assuming you've read it). Now go to your CD collection and find Heart's Little Queenalbum (assuming you own it). Listen to the opening riff to "Barracuda."

Which of these two introductions is a higher form of art?

As I do own (and have read) Bright Lights Big City and don't own Little Queen - though I may have the track on my copy of Heart's Greatest Hits- I'd probably have to plump for the first one. Although that is a pretty killer riff... so you may be able to convince me otherwise.

11. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom: You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that--somewhere--your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill.

Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?

Yes.


Even if the plot, script and acting was a good as the fx.


I'd still pop outside and make a phone call.

12. You meet a wizard in downtown Chicago. The wizard tells you he can make you more attractive if you pay him money. When you ask how this process works, the wizard points to a random person on the street. You look at this random stranger. The wizard says, "I will now make them a dollar more attractive." He waves his magic wand. Ostensibly, this person does not change at all; as far as you can tell, nothing is different. But--somehow--this person is suddenly a little more appealing. The tangible difference is invisible to the naked eye, but you can't deny that this person is vaguely sexier. This wizard has a weird rule, though--you can only pay him once. You can't keep giving him money until you're satisfied. You can only pay him one lump sum up front.

How much cash do you give the wizard?

None. But if he proved he could make me more successful... I'd have to go take out a loan.

13. Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.

What do you talk about?

Why the first one turned out to be such a nutjob?


Nah, I'm over that.


Obviously we'd talk about how low the turn-out was...

14. For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can't talk and they can't write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves).

This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?

There is no such thing as an average cat, and their response would be down to the individual. Of our three cats, Molly would think Garfield an annoying boob - though Molly has very little time for other cats anyway and already considers herself human. Murphy would see himself in Garfield, even though Garfield is obviously far smarter. And Wispa would fall in love with Garfield at first sight.

15. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.

How do you spend the next fourteen days?

Trying to finish my latest comic script.

16. Someone builds an optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it’s essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that—for some unknown reason—you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed.

The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a pre-season CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you now watch it?

Presumably this is the future I have in store after that brain operation?


In which case, no, I'd be too busy trying to finish off my new comic.

17. You are sitting in an empty bar (in a town you’ve never before visited), drinking Bacardi with a soft-spoken acquaintance you barely know. After an hour, a third individual walks into the tavern and sits by himself, and you ask your acquaintance who the new man is. “Be careful of that guy,” you are told. “He is a man with a past.” A few minutes later, a fourth person enters the bar; he also sits alone. You ask your acquaintance who this new individual is. “Be careful of that guy, too,” he says. “He is a man with no past.”

Which of these two people do you trust less?

I think I trust my acquaintance least of all, but if I have to choose between the other two guys, the one with no past is definitely the fishiest.

18. You have won a prize. The prize has two options, and you can choose either (but not both). The first option is a year in Europe with a monthly stipend of $2,000. The second option is ten minutes on the moon.

Which option do you select?

Europe, though I doubt $2000 would go very far. Do I get free accommodation too? I have little desire to go to the moon - all there is is the view.

19. Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don’t kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can’t tell them why.

Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?

"Sorry, I tripped."

20. For whatever the reason, two unauthorized movies are made about your life. The first is an independently released documentary, primarily comprised of interviews with people who know you and bootleg footage from your actual life. Critics are describing the documentary as “brutally honest and relentlessly fair.” Meanwhile, Columbia Tri-Star has produced a big-budget biopic of your life, casting major Hollywood stars as you and all your acquaintances; though the movie is based on actual events, screenwriters have taken some liberties with the facts. Critics are split on the artistic merits of this fictionalized account, but audiences love it.

Which film would you be most interested in seeing?

The Hollywood blockbuster. Who plays me? Ryan Reynolds?

21. Imagine you could go back to the age of five and relive the rest of your life, knowing everything that you know now. You will re-experience your entire adolescence with both the cognitive ability of an adult and the memories of everything you’ve learned from having lived your life previously.

Would you lose your virginity earlier or later than you did the first time around (and by how many years)?

Earlier, by about 4 years. (And it'd still be legal. Sigh.)

22. You work in an office. Generally, you are popular with your coworkers. However, you discover that there are currently two rumours circulating the office gossip mill, and both involve you. The first rumour is that you got drunk at the office holiday party and had sex with one of your married co-workers. This rumour is completely true, but most people don’t believe it. The second rumour is that you have been stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies (and then selling them to cover a gambling debt). This rumour is completely false, but virtually everyone assumes it is factual.

Which of these two rumours is most troubling to you?

Does my co-worker's husband believe rumour #1?


To be honest, I'm not sure I care that much about either rumour.

23. Consider this possibility:

a. Think about deceased TV star John Ritter.

b. Now, pretend Ritter had never become famous. Pretend he was never affected by the trappings of fame, and try to imagine what his personality would have been like.

c. Now, imagine that this person — the unfamous John Ritter — is a character in a situation comedy.

d. Now, you are also a character in this sitcom, and the unfamous John Ritter character is your sitcom father.

e. However, this sitcom is actually your real life. In other words, you are living inside a sitcom: Everything about your life is a construction, featuring the unfamous John Ritter playing himself (in the role of your TV father). But this is not a sitcom. This is your real life.

How would you feel about this?

Would I know?


If I did know, I'd be unhappy - since I'd far rather have my own life, with my own parents, as they are.


If I didn't know, then I wouldn't have too much of a problem. Ritter always seemed like a pretty decent bloke in Hooperman, although he was quite scary that time he turned up as Buffy's robot (potential) step-father...



See! I told you the questions were far more interesting than the answers. That said, I'd happily read your answers if you felt like giving this one a go...

No Ball Games

Summer's here and the time is right for playing ball games in the street.

Am I the only one who feels suddenly intimidated?

I have two major concerns when it comes to ball games in the street, and they have little to do with broken windows. They go a little something like this...

1) I have limited sporting ability. While I could occasionally, in my youth, catch a cricket ball if pressed to do so, this was largely a survival mechanism. Better it hit me in the palm of my hand than smack in the face, chest or unmentionables. I cannot, however, and never have been able to, kick a football. You know when you're walking down the street and two urchins are moving (passing?) a ball back and forth and one of them sends it swerving towards you and the "decent bloke" thing to do is stop (trap?) it with your foot and send (shoot?) it back to them? I cannot do this. If I try, I am more than likely to fall on my arse... or break somebody's window.

2) Balls are weapons. No, this isn't a Freudian thing. In my youth, I was, on various occasions the direct victim of GBHBB (general bodily harm by ball - come on, keep up). Tennis balls used as forearm-to-face missiles. Footballs booted with such savage velocity that they'd have taken off the heads of lesser men. Basketballs bounced repeatedly on my supine fizzog till it became porridgey mush. Well, you get the picture.

Through all that time, the one thought that kept me going (through what could, quite reasonably, have been dubbed My Childhood / Adolescence of Terror) was the idea that "Things won't always be this way". That I would reach a point in my life when I was older, when I commanded the respect of an adult, when I actually intimidated kids with balls more than they intimidated me.

I'm 39 now. I'm still waiting.

More Things I Have Been Listening To...

It's been a while since I bored you all with a new music post... so here's a sampling of the hot wax that's recently been trickling, like the poison that killed Hamlet's dad, into my eager ear canals...



I'd almost written off Noah & The Whale as quirky one-hit-wonders after Five Years Time drilled itself into the nation's consciousness a while back, going one of my favourite songs of the year to that annoying, over-played thing with the chirpy whistling.

My gigging mate Dave - who I should listen to more often when it comes to this sort of thing, as he's also the one who introduced me to Frank Turner - kept telling me how strong the new NATW material was, but as usual I had my head in the sand.

And then I stumbled across Tonight's The Kind Of Night... and discovered that Noah & The Whale have only gone and re-recorded one of my favourite songs!

You know that old trope about how there are only 7 stories in the world? I sometimes think there are an equally limited number of songs. I last wrote about this tune in 2009 when The Enemy released it as Sing When You're In Love, recognising its debt to earlier recordings by the Boomtown Rats, Bob Seger & The Silver Bullet Band, Drugstore, Shed Seven, Bruce - even, as Simon commented, Heroes by Bowie. Well, now Noah and the gang have given us their version... and it's every bit as lovely as could be hoped.

The album, Last Night on Earth, is rapidly becoming one of my favourites of the year too.



I haven't seen the movie Country Strong, but I realise that for many people reading it'll surely be your idea of hell. Gwyneth Paltrow acting and singing her sincere little socks off in a tale of new-country folk. Now, I've always liked country music, but never had much time for big business US radio pop country. Y'know, Garth Brooks and his ilk. And I've certainly never had much time for Mrs. Chris Martin... well, not until her spunky turn as Pepper Potts in Iron Man. And yet here I find myself unable to stop listening to a pop-country song featuring Ms. Paltrow on duet duties with Tim McGraw... I really must be getting old. (Taken from the Country Strongsoundtrack.)

This senile insanity might also go some way towards explaining my newfound love of this gentleman...



I have no defence, other than that the video above features George from Seinfeld and SHATNER!!! Although that doesn't explain why I like the rest of Paisley's album 5th Gearthough. Ah, I could start telling you about witty lyrics, heartfelt songs about growing up, growing old, and the risky business of love ("If love was a plane, nobody'd get on")... but you're not gonna listen. You just see the stetson and think, "nah - not for me". I understand. Time was, I'd have felt just the same way.

A couple of years back, I compiled a list of songs about famous Marvel Comics characters. Recently that post received a comment from Tim Sykes, directing me towards a track he'd written all about my favourite superhero, Spider-Man. It's a funky, jazzy little number which explains not only how Spidey's webshooters work, but also why Peter Parker has devoted his life to the thankless task of stopping criminals. You can listen to a preview of the song over at the Music Cafepage on Amazon. Thanks, Tim - top Spidey song!

Also dropping into my inbox recently were a couple of live tracks by one of my top discoveries of last year, The Young Hegelians. Rough and ready blasts of angry and/or resigned indie lyricism: listen and enjoy. Lead Hegelian Carl Jackson promises me that the band will shortly be going into the studio to commit these and other new tracks to acetate (or whatever they record popular music onto these days) in preparation for the band's forthcoming album. From their myspace, Carl describes the band thus...

"A jazz influenced post-punk trio from the far-flung corners of Teesside. If you like your music offbeat, al la Talking Heads, XTC, Gang of Four, then this is for you."

The Young Hegelians - The Call Centre Is The New Factory Floor

The Young Hegelians - German Autumn

Check out The Young Hegelians myspace for more info.

Given a comment I just read on Carl's twitter account, I'm guessing he'll hate me for plugging his band in the same post I confess to my Brad Paisley affliction. But we are a very broad musical church here at Sunset Over Slawit though, all are welcome. (Apart from Bono.)



Speaking of musical churches, we're just two weeks away from the release of the third Indelicates album: David Koresh Superstar. Judging from the track above, it's gonna be another belter. Keep watching Indelicates.com for more updates.



I caught Villagers supporting Elbow back in March and their debut album Becoming a Jackalhas been nipping at my heels ever since. Pieces, the track above, reminds me of early Radiohead (think Fake Plastic Trees) but lead Villager Conor O'Brien has many strings to his bow, and seems poised to conquer the world... if only you people will listen.



Against Me! is a truly awful name for a band. Actually, when I bought this record, I thought they were called White Crosses, but it turns out that's the name of their latest album... which I also believed to be their debut... I know nothing, obviously. Anyway, I came to this record through their air-punching Green Day-esque single I Was A Teenage Anarchist, which I liked a lot, despite the fact that it got a large portion of their hardcore fanbase screaming "punk-pop sell-outs". The album contains far more interesting material, though, notably this touching little ode to Saint Bob...

I dreamed Bob Dylan was a friend of mine


He was the owner of the house in which together we all lived
He slept between me and my wife in bed
Oh, the roof leaked in the kitchen
I never mentioned my collection of his albums
I never bothered him with intrusive questions


I dreamed Bob Dylan was a friend of mine

Now, I admire the old crinkly-croaky one as much as the next muso, but I'm not sure I'd want him sleeping in my bed. That's taking fandom a step too far, lads...

Enough music for one post! Before I close with a genuine rock classic from Queen's The Gamewhich I've recently rediscovered after 25 years, a quick heads up to any Half Man Half Biscuit fans that voting is currently underway in The Lux Familiar Cup over at the HMHB Lyrics Project. Pop along and join in the referendum to decide the world's favourite Half Man Half Biscuit song. Now, here's Freddie...