Top Ten Breakdown Songs

Ten pop and rock stars stuck on the hard shoulder (or, like me, in a hedge) waiting for a tow truck. Let’s hope they all have Breakdown Cover.

10. Dale Watson - Flat Tire

If Johnny Cash had driven a truck, he might have sounded like Dale Watson.

9. Radiohead - Blow Out

Radiohead don't have a lot of luck on the road. First a blow out, then they crash their fast German car and only an airbag saves their life. They should stick to public transport.

8. The Handsome Family - Stalled

Brett Sparks stalls his pickup truck in the snow, far from town... then just sits there in the dark. As stories go, it's not a great one. There's no serial killer with a hook on his arm or anything. But it still sounds real good.

7. Tool - Lost Keys

Tool also appear to have lost the lyrics sheet.

6. Jesse Malin & Bruce Springsteen - Broken Radio

You probably wouldn't be too popular if you called up breakdown recovery with a problem like this... but if you ask me, the radio is possibly the most essential component of any automotive vehicle. Driving without due musical entertainment should be outlawed.

5. Paul Westerberg - Dirty Diesel

Dirty Diesel causes Paul Westerberg all manner of problems... particularly as his car takes unleaded. He's going to need a Replacement.

4. Adam & The Ants - Car Trouble

In which Adam Ant ends up having to push, push, push his light blue car all the way home. Serves him right for being a dandy highwayman.

3. Jackson Browne - Running On Empty

Jackson Browne runs out of gas, but not when it comes to songwriting.

2. Elbow - Puncture Repair

You could probably fix this one yourself with a just bit of Elbow grease, Guy.

1. Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Breakdown

There were enough songs with ‘breakdown’ in the title to fill a Top Ten all by themselves. Tom Petty's debut single was the best.

Gig Review: Frank Turner Live In Manchester

I only discovered Frank Turner last year but he's rapidly become one of my favourite artists. His songs are passionate, witty, outspoken and, at times, intensely personal. He mixes heartfelt rock 'n' roll with barnstorming folk like Bruce, Billy and Richard Thompson before him. He's the real deal.

I've been wanting to see Frank live for ages but the last time he played Manchester the tickets sold out immediately. It was obviously time for him to move up and play somewhere bigger... sadly this turned out to be my least favourite venue: the dreaded Apollo. It's a sign of how desperate I was to see this performer live that (still carless) I caught a bus, a train and then took a long walk through one of the dodgiest parts of Manchester... thankfully, Frank didn't let me down.

It was heartening to find myself alongside a great number of Frank-ophiles, many of whom proved all the more devoted with their word perfect singalongs to even the most obscure tracks from the Turner back pages. This is obviously an artist who touches and inspires a great many people and he's surely now on the verge of a tipping point from cult sensation to arena-filling rock star. I missed my chance to see him in the smaller venues but I'll certainly follow him to the larger ones... as long as he doesn't hurry back to the Apollo.

God, that place just goes out of its way to grab my goat. Saturday's annoyance was the heat - turned up so high I almost passed out (no exaggeration for effect). Completely unnecessary... unless it was all a scam to sell more beers. Insert your own Apollo / sun god / surface of the sun gag here; for me it's just one more reason to never set foot in the place again. Please, Frank, make it The Academy next time... or the MEN. Anywhere but the bloody Apollo!

Even More Sex & Violence

Many thanks to Andy Oliver over at Broken Frontier for helping promote my new comic, TOO MUCH SEX & VIOLENCE. I've never been interviewed before... it makes me feel like a proper writer - at last!

Read the Broken Frontier interview here.

Meanwhile, feedback and reviews on the first issue continue to pour in... here's another selection of opinions...

"If you are a fan of League of Gentlemen, then Too Much Sex & Violence is the comic for you. A gloriously depraved and quirky selection of vignettes all settled around the 'not so quiet' seaside town of Fathomsby. Rol Hirst writes and corrals the assorted artists together to make this one of the more interesting reads this year."

(Gary Erskine: artist, Hellblazer, The Filth, Dan Dare.)

"Reminds me of Gary Spencer Millidge's Strangehaven on a bad drug trip! If you like the dark humour of the League of Gentlemen then you'll like this comic!" (Selina Lock: writer/editor, The Girly Comic.)

"Hail to Fathomsby!" (James Lindsay: writer, filmmaker, A Pessimist Darkly.)

"...superbly paced and dramatically rendered... you can never have to much of a good thing, and Too Much Sex & Violence is a very good thing." (Dan Powell: award-winning writer.:)

"...delectably macabre..." Andy Oliver: writer/editor, Broken Frontier.

"...beautifully overdone stuff." Al Ewing: writer, Travelling Man.

"There are some great lines in it too... It made me chuckle anyway." Michael Barnes aka El Blondino, artist.

And if you missed the first batch of reviews, click here.

If you've not yet got enough Sex & Violence in your life... get yourself a copy today.

Movie Review: Immortals

I do so hate it when someone whose opinion I value and respect gets to review a movie on their blog before I do. Especially if they like it and I think it sucks wet ass through a straw. Who am I to disagree with Steve? His opinion is, I'm sure you'll agree, far more worthy than mine. He has the wisdom of age behind him, for one thing. Look, if you think Immortals is your kind of movie, stop reading this review now and go read Steve's. But if you want to hear someone have a good old moan...

I think I may have a problem with director Tarsem Singh. I didn't notice his name in the credits, I hadn't read it in any reviews, yet I soon recognised his style from the last time I was forced to sit through one of his films: The Cell starring Jennifer Lopez and Vince Vaughan (from way back in 2000). Like that film, Immortals is visually stunning. Both will stick in my mind as being two of the most picturesque movies I've ever seen. Tarsem certainly puts the money up there on the screen and has a painter's eyes for detail. Every shot is like Michelangelo meets Salvador Dali. It's almost more than the human eye can contain. And this one was in 3D too... you know what a colossal waste of space I consider 3D to be, an affront to right-thinking cinema audience everywhere... and yet good old Tarsem made it work. The 3D actually looked good. No, screw that, the 3D took my breath away.

It's a shame then that, as with The Cell, all Tarsem's attention goes on the visuals. Certainly none of it goes on securing a decent script to work from. You can't blame the plot - that's as old as the hills, but the script... man, this script was bad. Can we say "style over substance"? Can we tattoo it on Tasem's forehead so he'll see it every morning when he washes his face? Can we talk about the actors now?

The star of the movie is Henry Cavill, about who I knew very little beforehand except that he's been cast as the new Superman. You know what? I can see that. He did a pretty good job of pitching his Theseus somewhere between the big blue boyscout and his speccy, stuttering alter ego. Doesn't mean I gave a monkeys what happened to him, or the impossibly beautiful Freida Pinto who plays his oracle. Beyond them, John Hurt plays John Hurt (his default position these days) and Mickey Rourke plays the old Avengers baddie Orka The Killer Whale. Seriously. Compare the photo above with the cover below and you'll see what I mean.

Beyond that, I have little else to add. Immortals gives lie to the old maxim that you can't polish a turd. It seems, after all, you can. You can paint it up to be the most spectacular, sparkly, devastatingly beautiful turds anyone has ever seen - in 3D too! At the end of the day though, it's still a bum radish.

On the other hand...

My Top Twenty Teacher Songs

One of the things I've been doing over at The Mixtape Lives On for the past few weeks is playing songs about teachers. In preparation for my new job, it seemed wise to find out what my favourite singers and songwriters thought about their teachers. Most of them concluded they were a bunch of lecherous pervs, bullying ghouls or sexually frustrated stalkers. Still, what do pop stars know about anything? They don't live in the real world...

Here's my full Top 20, click the links to listen to and read more about each song...


20. Paul Simon - The Teacher

19. The Talks - Teachers

18. Super Furry Animals - The Teacher

17. Leonard Cohen - The Teacher

16. Big Country - The Teacher

15. Pet Shop Boys - Hey, Headmaster!

14. Rufus Wainwright - The Art Teacher

13. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - Teach Your Children Well

12. Van Halen - Hot For Teacher

11. Belle & Sebastian - Expectations

10. Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall

9. Timbuk 3 - The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

8. Morrissey - The Teachers Are Afraid Of The Pupils

7. Black Kids - I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You

6. The Police - Don't Stand So Close To Me

5. Madness - Baggy Trousers

4. The Trashcan Sinatras - To Sir, With Love

3. Pulp - PTA

2. The Smiths - The Headmaster Ritual

1. Black Box Recorder - The School Song



Discover a new song every day at The Mixtape Lives On...

The Day My Car Tried To Kill Me (Part 2)

So (as reported in my previous post) my car is in a ditch / hedgerow at the side of the road and I'm required to crawl out of the passenger door to call for assistance. I phone the police first: they're not that interested as I haven't hurt anybody else or damaged any property beyond my own. Next I call the roadside recovery people. "Someone will be with you within the hour." So all I have to do now is wait. Wait, and thank / reassure the people who stop to ask after my well-being.

I'm heartened by the amount of people who do stop. "Are you all right, lad?" "Do you need to borrow a phone to call for help?" "What happened?" Their mix of concern and curiosity gives me hope for the human race. At first. There's an edgy moment when the farmer whose field I'm encroaching stops by to check on the well-being of his fence, but he seems satisfied I've not done more damage and thankfully doesn't begin demanding reparations.

Then, after a while, my inner Larry David starts to take hold. It's a sad fact that even good will gets annoying after a while. By the time the 10th person has pulled over to check me out and hear the story ("I don't know what happened - the steering just went"), I start making a conscious effort to look unapproachable. Blasé or uncommunicative or stern or scary... whatever will keep them driving so I don't have to answer any more questions. Where is that bloody tow truck? How the hell can people get on my nerves even when they're just being kind? OK: I'm shaken, I'm fed up, I'm seriously worried about how this accident will affect my finances... but that's still no reason to be so grumpy, is it?

"You all right, lad?"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

Sigh. I really must try to be a better person.

The Day My Car Tried To Kill Me (Part 1)

Driving to Barnsley yesterday morning to do my teacher training, my car decided it'd had enough of boring, conventional, "square" roads and would much rather drive off into the hedgerow. For reasons yet to be ascertained, taking a sharp bend on a narrow country lane the steering wheel refused to respond and rather than continuing in the direction I was supposed to be travelling, I ended up crossing the road and driving down into a ditch, at a 45 degree angle, stopped only by a thick, spiky hedge and a farmer's barb wire fence. It wasn't that I skidded taking the bend, I've done that on icy or wet roads before and what generally happens when you try to correct the skid is that the back end of the car spins round and you end up facing back in the opposite direction. But there was no skid here: the road conditions were good and my tyres had plenty of tread. What happened instead was that the steering simply ceased to work and the car carried on forwards rather than completing its turn.

Thankfully I wasn't going particularly fast so the brakes and the hedge were sufficient to stop me from rolling the car over onto its roof. I'm just glad there was nobody else on the road or that I wasn't travelling in a built up area or on a motorway. I can't help thinking I've had a lucky escape: for all that my car is scratched and crumpled and broken, this could have been a far worse accident.

However, this is the final straw. I've had enough of this car now. It's one problem after another. I can hardly afford another one, but I can't afford to keep paying to have it fixed either... and I don't trust it any more. When the trust is gone, the relationship is over. If I can't even rely on it to stay on the road, it's time to say goodbye. When your car starts trying to kill you, put it out of its misery before it has another go.

Apologies to the poor roadside recovery man who had to crawl through a spiky hedge to attach the tow rope to pull the bloody thing out of the hedgerow - his arms were lacerated. And to the farmer whose fence I damaged, who was decent enough to show more concern for my welfare than the state of his field. I promise you both: that bloody car will see justice.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN - PART 1 (2011)

MyRating: YY

Director: Bill Condon

Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke, Sarah Clarke, Nikki Reed, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, Jackson Rathbone, Julia Jones, Booboo Stewart, Anna Kendrick

MPAA: Rated PG-13 for disturbing images, violence, sexuality/partial nudity and some thematic elements

Would you give your mortal life to live for eternity on earth? Living for centuries after all the people that you've ever known have died, and they remain as 'thousand-years' memories in your mind? Or running into the road of immortality that you may regret you ever took, since it will become a long and never-ending journey? Well, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is pretty sure that this is the right path she wants to go, since she can live together with her handsome vampire boyfriend that she loves, even though she will have to be turned into a vampire herself as the consequence.

 

This fourth installment of The Twilight Saga enormous franchise (books written by Stephenie Meyer) tells the story of Bella Swan and Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) who finally decide to get married, as it is the best way to bind their true love for eternity. The movie surely didn't waste its time by telling you this from the very beginning, and soon you will see Bella and Edward walking through the aisle. And it was a beautiful wedding ceremony, with a happy crowd of families and relatives and friends, who are cheering for them, except for the heartbroken Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner). Did half of this crowd even know that she will have to be turned into a living vampire? I don't know. The interesting thing is, when Edward and Bella said their marriage vow, there was no "Till death do us part" line at the end.

After the wedding, like other normal people, Edward and Bella go for a honeymoon to Isle Esme, a private tropical island off the coast of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, where they celebrate their love and have their first sexual experience. But their honeymoon suddenly turns edgy when Bella discovers that she is pregnant after two weeks. It becomes a shock as, theoritically, it is not possible for a vampire to impregnate a human. Besides that, as the baby inside her is a half-vampire and a half-human child, it grows with an unnaturally accelerated speed that may endanger Bella's life. As her condition is getting worse as the fetus grows bigger, while she insists to keep her baby, Bella is struggling with a life-and-death situation for her coming childbirth. While Jacob, who always loves and feels the need to protect Bella, has to step inside, as the unborn child has somehow become a threat to his Quileute wolf pack, whom have planned to kill the child and the mother, Bella. 

I will not bash this movie, as I think you should know what you expect when watching a Twilight movie, and there are already enough haters for this franchise, including from the people who have never even watched the movies. And I will start by saying the good things about this latest installment. This movie has a beautiful cinematography, especially when showing the breathtaking sceneries of the island of Isle Esme. The waterfall, the ocean, the river and the forest have brought up the perfect romantic atmosphere into the honeymoon 'adventure' of Bella and Edward. I also think that the soundtrack and music score were cool. The ballad songs were really catchy to the ears, which increased the romanticism that this movie was trying to build, including the song 'A Thousand Years' by Christina Perri.

Is it romantic? I never really bought into the relationship of Edward and Bella, which was always felt a bit awkward to me. However, with the lustful sceneries and the romantic songs, I kind of enjoyed their joyful time together in this movie, which gave a youthful vibrant of love. I believe these scenes will blow the teenage girls away with their dreams of a beautiful and perfect true love out there. This movie also has plenty of intimate kissing scenes between Bella and Edward, which surely will satisfy and make the fans scream. And enough love-making scenes, which I think some may be a bit too 'strong' for a PG-13, including swimming naked in the ocean and breaking a bed. And the leading sexual desires, such as when Edward found out that he actually hurted Bella when they made love by seeing the bruises in Bella's body, and since Bella is not yet turned into a vampire, Edward decided to give some distance in their sexual relationship in order not to further hurt her, which left Bella with a bit of frustration at the other end, and we can see in one scene that Bella was craving for Edward to make love to her, as she badly needs it. Yes, as the series is near the end, this movie has a more mature theme, including the pregnancy and childbirth issues. And the director seemed tried to utilize this mature theme to make this movie looked and felt as romantic as possible.

The plot itself was slow moving, as of other Twilight movies. Some boring moments for me, as usual. There was not much of a story actually. The human and the vampire lover get married, they find out that she is pregnant, and then they have to deal with the complications of her childbirth afterwards. As simple as other teen romances, only with the cloth of vampires and werewolves, but never managed to scare us (indeed Stephenie Meyer never intended to). No characters that are compelling enough. And not much actions too, except at the end when the wolf pack headed for Bella. It has its interesting moments though, and for the eye-catching reasons, I like the first half of the movie better than the second half.

From the acting side, there was not much development as all the actors gave mediocre performances, but it may be enough for the script. And I still think that Robert Pattinson gave the worst performance with his wooden acting and expressions. Taylor Lautner was okay, always thought that his character was slightly more interesting than Pattinson's boring vampire character. Kristen Stewart was less annoying here, and one thing I must say about her is, she looked beautiful in this movie, especially in the beginning of the film when she became a bride and walking through the aisle, even though we also will see how the make-up team turned her to look old and messy when she got pregnant. I think, aside from her acting capability that was frequently being criticized in the Twilight series, she has grown to become a beautiful actress.

"I have died everyday waiting for you.
Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years.
And I will love you for a thousand more."

Like it or not, Twilight has become a global phenomenon, whether it is the books or the movie franchise. People may hate it, or curse it, or say it's trash, but this franchise will always stay at the very special parts of the hearts of its fans. As for me, I enjoyed this movie more than the previous two, and even though I am not a fan of this series, I surely will finish it by watching  Breaking Dawn - Part 2 next year. (MJ)

Soundtrack: (right click to not exit this page)

- A Thousand Years by Christina Perri 

Related Twilight movie reviews by MyMovie Critic:

- The Twilight Saga: NEW MOON (2009)

- The Twilight Saga: ECLIPSE (2010)

MYMOVIE CRITIC - REVIEWING MOVIES FROM THE AUDIENCE'S STANDPOINT

I Quite Fancy Surviving A Zombie Apocalypse, Actually...

The Walking Dead is back on TV, though the latest season might be better called 'The Treading Water'. Still, it got me thinking about why I like post-apocalyptic fiction so much. And the truth is, no matter how grim they try and make it appear, I still quite fancy being a survivor of some kind of global catastrophe.

Now, obviously, it all depends on the kind of apocalypse. Nuclear Armageddon is out, because even if you did survive... chances are you'd be living on borrowed time while hideous cancers grew inside you like sea monkeys. Plus you'd constantly be worrying about drinking irradiated water or eating a mutated turnip. Or you might end up in The Road, the most depressing of all post-apocalyptic futures, fending off cannibals and wishing you were dead because everything is so relentlessly grey.

Societal breakdown is a no-no too. Frankly, society's broken down enough for me as it is. Living in Mad Max world with marauding biker gangs raping and pillaging everything in sight would be too much like this summer's yoof riots. I parked in Manchester a couple of weekends ago and returned to find some mindless savage had snapped the windscreen wiper off my car for no reason at all. If the yobs ever do take over, I'm going to live on a mountain.

And you can forget your killer viruses too because even if I was immune, I'm such a hypochondriac I wouldn't be able to leave the house for fear of a wayward sneeze. I currently have a terrible case of Man Flu I'm certain I caught when I went to see Contagion. It was inevitable really.

The best kind of apocalypse would be one like in the movie Night Of The Comet where pretty much the entire human race just conveniently disappears (and there's no stinking corpses to clean up) and you could spend all your time dancing to Cyndi Lauper songs at the mall. But as the chances of that happening appear slim, I'll settle instead for a nice zombie apocalypse. As long as it's one where the zombies can only shuffle about slowly and are rubbish at running. Not the speed-freak 28 Days Later zombies. Those guys are no fun at all.

Top Ten Reasons I Wouldn't Mind Surviving A Zombie Apocalypse...

1. Even though society's fallen apart, there's still loads to eat. Zombies aren't interested in human food (only brains) so you'd never go hungry again. Well, until all the cans in the supermarket were past their sell-by dates. You'd have to start growing stuff then.

2. You get to shoot people you don't like (i.e. zombies) in the head.

3. Once you find yourself a nice generator you can sit back, watch some DVDs, play some computer games... read books to your heart's content. Just don't break your reading glasses like Burgess Meredith did in that famous Twilight Zone episode.

4. You get to shoot people in the head. Don't look at me like that, you know you want to.

5. You don't have to go to work any more.

6. You get to shoot your boss in the head. Because, let's face it, he or she is already part zombie. It's for their own good.

7. No more wasting your time on the internet. The internet has closed down. Maybe you can go out for a nice walk instead. You know, like we used to, before the 90s.

8. Did I mention shooting people in the head?

9. You can go wherever you want. Into all those behind-the-scenes parts of buildings you never see unless you work there. Or into other people's houses. Have a nice snoop about. Rummage to your heart's content. As long as you don't bump into any remaining zombie residents, you'll be fine. Go on, admit it, you fancy having a good nose.

10. Shooting. People. In. The. Head.

Now, give me one good reason we shouldn't have a zombie apocalypse tomorrow...?

Movie Review: We Need To Talk About Kevin

Ever since I heard of the plans to film Lionel Shriver's novel about the tumultuous relationship between a mother and her high school massacring son, I've been eager to see the movie. It's an excellent book and the combination of director Lynne Ramsay and actress Tilda Swinton seemed the ideal choice to deliver a unsensationalised, dramatically non-Hollywood conversion. The distributors didn't make it easy though. For such a high profile, well-reviewed adaptation of a bestselling, prize winning novel, the film's UK release has been shoddily handled. Most of the multiplexes dropped it after one week while even the arthouses seem reluctant to give it much time. Curious then that the showing I finally managed to attend on Sunday night at the Hebden Bridge Picture House was sold out. Audiences do apparently want to see this movie... but I guess it's just not glamorous, star-studded or CGI-encrusted enough to devote mainstream cinema space to. In decades gone by, this would have been a major release. Can we say dumbing down?

It's even more galling then that Ramsay's movie proved to be one of the best pieces of moviemaking I've seen in a long, long time. Perhaps not the most enjoyable and certainly not the easiest to watch, but as an example of cinematic storytelling: damned hard to beat. Shriver's novel is a long and detailed account of the relationship between Eva Khatchadourian and her troubled son Kevin, and this could so easily have been a wordy, staged adaptation. Instead, the screenplay by Ramsay and Rory Kinnear is a textbook example of how to show rather than tell, using the medium of film to its full extent and respecting the intelligence of the audience, allowing them to fill in the gaps. It's a haunting, nightmarish translation that eschews meaty exposition in favour of dramatic visuals, shocking symbolism, taut-yet-restrained performances, a smart soundtrack and some of the meanest stares ever committed to screen. Clint Eastwood would lose a staring contest against any of the three young actors playing Kevin, and the permanently fraught Swinton gives as good as she gets.

If you've read the book, you'll know what to expect from the movie... but that won't stop you being devastated. If you haven't: prepare yourself for a genuinely shocking, provocative and challenging film that will remain with you long after the drive home. If you can find a cinema that's actually showing it in the first place...

Spandex Goes Crossover Crazy

The fifth issue of Martin Eden's excellent "gay superheroes" comic SPANDEX dropped on my doormat last week and it's yet another multicoloured masterpiece. This time, Martin set his sights on the dirge of MEGA-CROSSOVERS that are miring the comics industry, almost as bad as they were back in the late 90s. He sets his sights, he takes aim, and he blows those crappy crossovers to kingdom come. Suffering "event fatigue"? This is the comic for you.

But, as always, Spandex is much more than just a masterly spoof of current comic book trends with twinkly gay bits on top. There's also real depth of characterisation as we learn the secret origins of Spandex leader, Liberty. Great jokes, inventive character ideas, guest stars aplenty (including the return of The O Men - slightly different than we remember them, but longtime fans will be glad to learn Miss Scarlet is still one helluva pistol packing mama!), action, shock plot twists... if every MEGA-CROSSOVER was as much fun as this, the mainstream comics industry would be in a much healthier state.

Buy the latest SPANDEX and you'll also get a free mini-manga featuring Japanese superheroes The J-Team (I can't believe I only just spotted the pun in their name) plus a cool Spandex trading card. And anyone who thinks that tight pair of swimming trunks shown on the penultimate page of Too Much Sex & Violence #1 was TOO MUCH... wait till you see the final page of this comic. It ain't for your granny. (Unless your granny's into... no, let's not go there.)

Go here: Buy Spandex now. That's all.

Evil Advertising McMonsters Hollywoodise My Hometown

I realise that by embedding the above video into my blog, I could be seen to be promoting the company in question... but they're such a ubiquitous Big Evil Corporation that I doubt one extra blogpost will affect their fortunes and if you're daft enough to read this post and go out and buy one of their "cooked meat" in "bread" products as a result... well, more fool you.

Anyway, the new McDimbulbs advert was filmed in Huddersfield. I'm not sure I'd have recognised this had someone not pointed it out to me. If you haven't seen it on your telly-box (I had to youtube it), it involves a young man (they all look young to me these days) singing the old Lerner & Loewe classic 'On The Street Where You Live' while he walks through town to get his McBreakfast. Except this guy has the worst sense of direction - he is in serious need of a SatNav. He begins his journey just outside Big Evil Corporation II, Tesco (ours is The Tesco Time Forgot - the only thing that's changed since it opened in the 80s is the prices). Conveniently though, The TTF has been edited out of the opening shot; we wouldn't want to promote a competitor, would we, McLads?

Anyway, our hero then walks under the grim Northern viaducts, heading in the correct direction (his goal is now about 30 seconds away) before he turns and starts walking back where he just came from. Next he finds himself a few blocks downtown by the Adult Cinema (also conveniently airbrushed out of existence) before walking past a launderette... in Fartown*. Which is a five minute bus ride away. Suddenly, he's on Cross Church Street, and heading in the right direction once again. Someone's even conveniently built an Abbey Road style zebra crossing to help him find his way. I'm surprised they didn't paint arrows on the shop windows too. Once again, he almost reaches his destination... when he detours along a side street packed with market stalls (which must have been blown a couple of blocks north by the strong Pennine winds). He takes time to flirt with a random woman (she's humouring him; she's already seen him walk past three times that morning)... and finally, he's there! Just in time to sink his choppers into one of those infamous "cooked meat" in "bread" combos before the men in the white van arrive to speed him back to the happy place.

It's all filmed in glorious HD technicolour supervision so golden and sunshiny it makes my home town look like Narnia. Now don't get me wrong, Huddersfield is a very nice place (I won't hear a word said against it... unless it's by me). But these aren't the streets where I live. It's Hollywood Huddersfield. I'm surprised he doesn't bump into Tom Hanks on his journey. (Maybe Tom finally heard about my sniper rifle.) Like the majority of advertising, it's one big, fat lie after another. Still... it's better than another repeat of Last of the Summer Wine. Just.

Has Television, Cinema or Evil Advertising ever distorted your hometown beyond all recognition?




(*I should point out to non-locals, this is pronounced "Far-town". Just as the nearby Penistone is pronounced "Penn-is-ton". Sorry.)

Book Review: The Lost Lions by Edward Gorey

Edward Gorey was an American writer / artist who published a number of bizarre, surreal and yet deeply affecting illustrated story books in the latter half of the 20th Century. Many of these have been out of print from a number of years, but new life has been breathed into them by independent publisher Pomegranate.

The Lost Lions (or, Having Opened The Wrong Envelope) tells the story of Hamish, a handsome young man who one day opens the wrong envelope and ends up in the movie business. Suddenly wealthy, he begins to raise lions. But fate has other plans for him...

If you were just to read the text, Hamish's story could take you little more than a minute to get through. Gorey's writing is sparse, a single sentence a page, yet there's much more to his stories than words. The gorgeous pen and ink illustrations that accomplish each sentence contain more depth and emotion than many full-length novels and Gorey draws the cutest lions you ever did see. The ending is enigmatic and thought-provoking and it's the kind of book you'll want to take your time over, savouring every wonderful crosshatched line.

Find out more about Edward Gorey and his newly republished books at the Pomegranate website.

SEEKING JUSTICE (2011)

MyRating: YYY1/2

Director: Roger Donaldson

Cast: Nicolas Cage, January Jones, Guy Pearce, Harold Perrineau, Jennifer Carpenter, IronE Singleton, Xander Berkeley, Marcus Lyle Brown, Cullen Moss

MPAA: Rated R for violence, language and brief sexuality

Will Gerald (Nicolas Cage), a high scool teacher, never knows that his perfect life with her beautiful wife Laura (January Jones) will suddenly go upside down, just after spending their happy time together celebrating their anniversary, when one day Laura is being sexually assaulted by an ex-con.

Feeling anguish, shaken and confused, while his wife is being hospitalized for her badly beaten up condition, Will is approached by a stranger named Simon (Guy Pearce), representing a vigilante group, who offers him a service to seek for justice by 'executing' the person who has attacked his wife. Will just has to say yes, and they will do it for him. Clean and safe. What he has to give in return is only to agree to help them back if any time in the future the group asking him for some 'small' favors. Hesitant but feeling pity for his wife, Will agrees to Simon's offer.

Life seems to slowly back to normal, when six months later Will is being contacted again by Simon, asking him to repay his debt by doing something for his vigilante group. The thing is, what Will has to do is to kill a guy whom the group accused as a pedophile and a danger to the society. On realising that no killing blood is running in his stream, Will knows that he can't do such a thing. But Simon is not easily to let it go and the group cannot accept 'no' for an answer. Soon, Will faces another kind of terror that may endanger his family, which will make him regret to ever accept their offer at the first place.

This is a surprisingly good action thriller from Nicolas Cage, who seemed to stumble in continuously making bad movies for some time. But I assure you, this movie is not one of them. The revenge theme is not something new, and at a glance, this movie may look like another typical crime thriller. But this is actually not just an ordinary revenge movie, as revenge is not something that our main protagonist badly pursuing for here. Rather he is halfly forced to take a revenge by using other people's hands, but still he has to pay for the result of his decision afterwards.

This is a well-made and entertaning movie with a slowly built suspense. Maybe a bit predictable, but I didn't find it reduce my interests towards the movie, as the story flowed smoothly and well-paced, with enough tensions and actions to be enjoyed. The desperate situation of Will colored the plot, made us wonder how he would escape his unfortunate situation. Good direction from Roger Donaldson (Species, Dante's Peak, Thirteen Days, The Recruit, The World's Fastest Indian and The Bank Job). And good acting from Nicolas Cage and Guy Pearce, who appeared pretty solid and gave this movie some weights. While January Jones was okay as the wife (this has been a pretty busy year for this Mad Men actress, after also appearing in Unknown and X-Men: First Class). I don't know when this movie will get a wide release in the U.S., but believe me, it is definitely worth to be checked out. It was a good movie. (MJ)

MYMOVIE CRITIC - REVIEWING MOVIES FROM THE AUDIENCE'S STANDPOINT

Farewell, Smallville

And so I say goodbye to a TV show I've been watching for one whole quarter of my life... though I really don't know why. Unlike the final episodes of Cheers, NYPD Blue and The X-Files which left me in buckets of tears at the loss of an old friend, the overriding sensation at the departure of Smallville was a huge sigh of relief. I can't tell you why I've stuck with this show as long as I have, particularly as what little prime it had was past about five seasons ago. You might think it's because I'm a comics nerd, but I haven't read the DC Universe in years and I've always found Superman the least interesting superhero anywhere. Far too powerful, far too pious, far too meh.

It certainly wasn't the writing that kept me watching either. With a few brilliant exceptions (mostly in the earlier seasons, mostly revolving around the long departed Lex Luthor) pedestrian plotting and preachy, clichéd scripting have been the name of the game for far too long. They could have made it much more interesting had they injected a little edge and - dare I say it - humour, but I guess they didn't think the target audience had much of a funnybone. Not that I'm entirely sure who the target audience was. Smallville began as a teen show but (like the cast) those original viewers would now be in their mid-20s... which I guess goes some way to explain how it evolved into a superhero Gossip Girl.

Strangely enough, I think it might actually be the cast who kept me. Although the show's best actor (Michael Rosenbaum, our AWOL Lex) departed three seasons ago (although he was dragged back kicking and screaming for the preposterous and nonsensical finale) and the show's best character (Allison Mack's divine Chloe Sullivan) has been woefully wasted in recent years... at least they had the good sense to jettison the horrible, ghastly, Queen of Whinge that was Kristin Kreuk (Lana Lang). Late replacements Justin Hartley (Green Arrow, a gormless Bruce Wayne substitute) and Cassidy Freeman (the ludicrously monickered Lu-'Tess'-a Luthor) breathed faint gasps of life into the show's sagging lungs while the final season wisely resurrected the better actors from the longterm supporting cast: Lionel Luthor (a demented John Glover) and Jonathan Kent (Bo Duke).

Most of all though, the two people who kept me watching longer than I ever stuck with Teri Hatcher and Dean Cain... were Lois and Clark. Erica Durance gave Margot Kidder a run for her money as the funniest, spunkiest, karate kicking-est Lois Lane ever... although I never saw Margot Kidder jump out of a cake wearing a bunny girl outfit*. And while Christopher Reeve (who had a recurring cameo on the show before his tragic death in 2004) will always be the one and only screen Superman for me, Tom Welling might well be my Clark Kent. Considering how much mawkish, pretentious, sentimental twaddle he was forced to spew week in and week out, it's a wonder I'm not up in a book depository loading a shotgun right now... and yet, incredibly, Welling pulled it off. He convinced me he was a nice guy. Which you might think is a basic necessity for playing Superman... but you'd be amazed how difficult it can be. I don't suffer me no fools, gladly or otherwise. Plus, the scenes with the ghost of his late father in the final season contained genuine emotion. I was filling up despite myself.

So farewell, Tom and Erica, Allison and Justin, John, Michael and Cassidy, Terence (Stamp!), Annette and Bo Duke. I still don't know why I watched your show as long as I did, but I reckon it must be down to you guys. I hope you all find gainful employment in the future and that your writers have been sent off to read Robert McKee and rue the day they ever set fingers to typewriter. Farewell, Smallville. That's 217 hours of my life (minus fast-forwarded commercial breaks) I'm not getting back...





*Plus, Michael Ironside played her dad. Extra points for that, obviously. Though points are deducted for Teri Hatcher as the late Mrs. Lane.

IN TIME (2011)

MyRating: YYY

Director: Andrew Niccol

Writer: Andrew Niccol

Cast: Justin Timberlake, Amanda Seyfried, Cillian Murphy, Vincent Kartheiser, Alex Pettyfer, Olivia Wilde, Johnny Galecki, Matt Bomer

MPAA: Rated PG-13 for violence, some sexualty and partial nudity, and strong language

Welcome to a world where money is not anymore the ultimate power and the world divides people based on their social class, each to live in a different area called the 'Time Zone'. Money has even ceased to exist, as time now has become the currency. This happens in the future when over-population has become the biggest concern, and to avoid that, humans are being genetically-engineered to stop aging when they reach 25, and then they will stay forever young. The bad news is, once you reach 25, you have only one more year to live, as the greenish phosphorescent digital clock, imprinted in your forearm since you were born, will start counting down and when it reaches zero, your heart will automatically stop pounding. And you die.

 

Your time can be added or bought though, the same way you have to trade some of your time away to pay for your necessities. Your wages are paid with time, the same as you pay for everything with time, whether it is a single public phone call that may cost you one minute, a cup of coffee that may cost you four minutes, or a trip by bus that may cost an hour or more. You also pay all services with time, including paying for a prostitute for 10 minutes of pleasure with 1 hour of your life. You can borrow time from other people, or take loans from banks and pawnshops, but with high 'time' interest rates . You can even gamble your time in order to win more time. And all these trades and exchanges can be done as simple as clasping your hands with others or by scanning a metal time reader to your clock. So simple, that your time can also be easily drained away by robbers. It's a world controlled by the rich, who set the system to benefit them by harvesting decades of time (even milleniums) from the poor, while the poor have to struggle day by day just to earn enough extra time to live for another day, or they may die in the streets at anytime with their time life running out.

That's the kind of life Will Salas (Justin Timberlake) lives, a 28-year old poor young man living in the ghetto with his 50-year old mom (played by Olivia Wilde). Will has managed to live another 3 years of his life as 25, the same as his mother who has lived an additional 25 years as 25, without growing old. When Will receives a huge amount of time gift from a stranger, he starts to get into troubles with a notorious mobster gang called the Minutemen, and when his mother fatally miscalculates the bus fare, Will decides to leave for New Greenwich, a place where the rich live in luxurious, in order to take revenge and uphold justice. There, he meets and falls for a beautiful woman named Sylvia Weis (Amanda Seyfried), a daughter of a rich bankers, Philippe Weis (Vincent Kartheiser). But as he is from the wrong side of the world and as the Timekeepers, lead by Raymond Leon (Cillian Murphy), hunts him on account of murder, Will is again forced to run and he takes Sylvia as hostage. And together, they have to trust and help each other in order to survive in a world where time is not on their side.

This is an interesting and unique science fiction movie from Andrew Niccol, the same director who gave us Gattaca (1997). I think the premise of using time as the ultimate currency, which can shorten or prolong people's lives, was such a fresh and original idea. The movie itself was entertaining. However, by seeing the big potentials that this movie has, I didn't think that the movie reached its full potentials. The story was a bit simplified by the actions that it offered, as I expected for much deeper story. This movie actually could offer more. The simple execution of transferring time through merely clasping hands and the minimum amount of special effects also made this sci-fi look rather simple, which was actually not a bad thing.

Amanda Seyfried was stunningly beautiful in her short brunette wig, which was perfectly suited for her and somehow made her look futuristic. And she has that tempting appearance that made her look so adorable and smokin' hot, running all the way throughout the movie in her sexy dresses and stilettos. Sometimes I couldn't explain the appeals and charms that this actress has, but she just 'has' it, even though I must say that her character was a bit underdeveloped in this movie.

I think Justin Timberlake played his role well as the street-wise young man whose struggles to earn extra time for his life he deserved and his anger towards the system's injustice made him tough enough to do all the risky and dangerous things. However, even though his motives were strong, I think that his character transition from the normal life to the 'live or die' life did not flow that smoothly, which made some of the actions that he took didn't look believable enough (for example, the high risk gambling scene that he was involved in, or the good fighting abilities that he has). Again, it was not about his motives or his drives, but in my opinion, the movie just didn't give enough backgrounds of what he is really capable of when those scenes happened.

Besides the good-looking leads, the supporting casts were also interesting to watch. I think only in this movie we can see Olivia Wilde played as Justin's mother. While Cillian Murphy gave a good performance as the Timekeeper, who judges things as only black or white. Interesting performances also came from Vincent Kartheiser (Pete Campbell from Mad Men) as the greedy time-loaning businessman and Alex Pettyfer (I am Number Four) as the mobster boss who is infamous for stealing other people's time by force.

As much as I enjoyed this movie as I enjoyed the beautiful casts and entertained by the creative premise, however in overall, I think the screenplay and execution from Andrew Niccol was felt a bit short from its very promising premise. I actually expected more and I think it could have been better. (MJ)

MYMOVIE CRITIC - REVIEWING MOVIES FROM THE AUDIENCE'S STANDPOINT

Too Much Sex & Violence... It's A Hit!

Welcome to the northern seaside town of Fathomsby; home to retired super-heroes, monster DJs, mutant prostitutes, pier-owning gangsters, disgruntled policemen and a woman who knows exactly what you're thinking about, whenever you're thinking about...S-E-X.

The reviews are in and the first issue of my new comic, TOO MUCH SEX & VIOLENCE, is a hit! Not an unqualified hit, but I expected a few rough waters because of the comic's ever-changing roster of artists, its at-times dubious subject matter, and the fact that first issues (story set-ups) are a notoriously difficult sell. Still, I think enough people are intrigued by #1 to come back for #2... and that's where we really blow the doors off.

Here's some of the comments I've had so far...

"This may be a freakshow, but it’s a freakshow you can’t take your eyes off... one of those first issues of a series that you finish and immediately want to reread, just to make sure you got everything." (Richard Bruton: writer, Forbidden Planet International.)

"A most enjoyable read... reminded me of Worthing, nicely weird and gripping."

(Glyn Dillon: artist, Deadline; Shade, The Changing Man)

"I quickly forgot I was reading a comic. I was simply reading something well written and expertly put together - there's a lot of talent contained within these 28 pages."

(Martin Pond: writer, Dark Steps)

"...a really engaging and unusual first issue..." (Nicolas Papaconstantinou: writer, Monkey On My Back)

"...extreme shocking for shocks sake is not the purpose of this book but there is at least one eyeball shooting out of its socket to keep it interesting." (Lee Sargent: artist, Quit Your Day Job)

TOO MUCH SEX & VIOLENCE #1 is available to buy for just £2.50 (printed) or £0.99 (pdf download) from this place here. Go buy it now. Or tell your friends to. Then write about it all over the interweb. Go on, I insist.