I had a dream the other night that I was taking a long taxi journey with Rupert Murdoch. I know what you're thinking - "that's not a dream, Rol, that's a nightmare!" Far better to take a trip with Matt Murdock or Howling Mad Murdock - hell, even a nice bottle of Dandelion & Murdock... but this was one of those weird dreams where everything was upside down and nothing was where it should be. I actually ended up feeling sorry for the old geezer.
In the dream, I was a former Murdoch employee who'd been fired by the original Mr. Burns for daring to take a stand against his dubious and devious ways. Well, you're always the hero in your own dreams, aren't you? Except when you're the victim. Or the murderer. Or... Dr. Octopus... (Just me?) I was taking my former boss to an employment tribunal and, for whatever illogical dream reason, we'd been forced to share a cab. I guess all the chauffeur-driven limos were on strike that day.
But as the journey progressed, I came to see old crinkly in a new light. He didn't mean to do all those bad things, he told me, it was the only way to get people to take notice of him. He hadn't always wanted to rule or ruin the world, but when the world treated him badly as a little boy... hating him, shunning him, pulling his underpants so far up his the crack of his backside the waistband hooked over the tops of his ears... he had no choice but to fight back. Yet he'd give up all the crooked chicanery and dastardly megalomania in a heartbeat if he could just find One True Friend. Till then, like Richard III before him, since he could not prove a lover... he was determined to prove a villain. There were tears in his eyes and he didn't wring his fingers once during the whole damned journey.
Like I say, my heart went out to him. The best bad guys are always the ones you can empathise with. The ones of whom you can think, "there but for the grace of god..."
But it was only a dream. And at no point did I ever consider saying, "I'll be your friend, Rupert". Which I suppose goes to show that I'm hardly a hero myself, even in my own dreams. No way I'm philanthropic enough to make such a grave personal sacrifice. Ugh - could you imagine?
